Chapter Text
“Thank you for calling Plumperson’s. This is Castiel, how can I be of assistance today?”
“Is it weird that hearing you say that makes me hard?”
“Sir, this hotline is for customers seeking guidance with their holiday cooking. Sexually explicit conversations start at $9.95 per minute.” Castiel deadpanned.
“Worth it.” Dean smiled, tucking himself further into the corner of his kitchen. The food was coming along and even though he’d been panicking since 6:30am this morning, hearing Castiel’s voice made it all better.
His house was full people, they’d been arriving steadily since noon. Benny showed up first, winking at Dean as he snuck an enormous pot into the garage. Bobby, Ellen and Jo arrived together, the women descending upon Jess with terrifying swiftness, disappearing with her into some unknown room to likely double team the interrogation. Sam looked on helpless, he’d tried to prepare Jess as best he could but she was in God’s hands now. No one was sure when Ash arrived, one minute he was just there, sitting on the sofa next to Bobby watching the game. Charlie and Kevin were the last to arrive, and two things were immediately apparent when they burst into the room. One, Charlie was up to something if her terrible poker face was anything to go by. And two, Kevin was valiantly trying to hide the fact that he was two clicks of the dial away from shitfaced drunk.
“Where’s..uuhhh….w’rzz e’vrybody?” He shrugged his hands and turned in a circle with all the subtly of a shoddy sitcom actor.
“Today’s the day Dean!” Charlie hissed at him with glee. “He’s gonna carpe the shit out of this diem!”
“Have you been feeding him shots?”
“Whoa, whoa man, he fed himself those shots. I just……provided him with moral support.”
“You’re a good friend, cher.” Benny grinned at her and Dean couldn’t help chuckling. Kevin had been pining after the Lady Harvelle going on three years now and their interactions offered no end of entertainment for the group.
“Well you just make sure he doesn’t Dutch courage his way into a dislocated shoulder.” Dean gave her the eye before returning to the kitchen, mind already on where he left his phone.
Everyone was busy catching up in the living room and Dean had wanted nothing more than to steal a few minutes alone to talk to Cas.
“Happy Thanksgiving, Cas.”
“Happy Thanksgiving, Dean. I can’t talk long, but I wanted to say that I had a wonderful time with you last night.”
“I did too, I can’t stop thinking about you. When can I see you again? And not just for that, I want to go on an actual date. I want to date the hell out of you, Cas. You ok with that?”
“I want to date you too Dean. Maybe tomorrow? Oh wait- no, tomorrow I have to take my mother to brunch. The weekend then? I must admit I don’t have a lot of experience in the dating scene so I’m not sure what’s customary beyond dinner and a movie.”
“Don’t you worry about it, I’ll take care of date plans and you just worry about Mrs. Irving crying on line three. Oh! And before I forget, thanks for the pies! They just got delivered this morning, and I know that you said the mystery one was just for me, but your apple is so good I might just eat it all so-“
“Mystery one? What mystery one?”
“The one with the note, ‘A Pie from Cas to Dean’. I’m not sure what flavor it is but-“
“Forgive me, I have to go.”
~*~
Sassy Cassie: I know you’re reading these texts under the table!!! What did you send Dean?!
~*~
“You sure you don’t need any help Dean?”
Sam was hovering again.
“Christ Sammy no, I told ya I got this! Besides Sasquatch ain’t allowed around the food without a hairnet. Go.”
“You sure you don’t want to take a break? I could take over for a while and you could catch up with everybody, you’ve been in here all day.”
Dean rolled his eyes. Sam wouldn’t stand still, every time Dean moved to grab another utensil or check another pot Sam darted on his long, ungainly legs to stay right by his brother’s side.
“This turkey looks strange, doesn’t it look strange to you? I think it’s lopsided, it’ll cook all wrong if it’s lopsided. We should get one of the ones from the garage instead.”
Dean looked at him like he was crazy. “Those are still in the plastic! I’ve been dry brining this bitch for two days, and it’s not lopsided. Your fucking head is lopsided if you think I’m gonna stop in the middle of cooking this and start with a new one. Get the hell out of here and go bother Jo. She said she thinks she can kick your ass at darts now.”
~*~
“Listen- listen just-I hafta tell you something.” Kevin shifted closer to Ellen on the couch and lowered his voice.
“I’m all ears hon.”
“I’m on track to finish my PHD in..uhhhh…..” he counted on his fingers with marginal success. “Five! Five years. I’m gonna be the youngest particle physicist ever and you work in a bar.”
Ellen raised a dangerous eyebrow at him, “You better figure out real quick where you’re going with this before I get the wrong idea.”
Kevin blinked glassy eyes at her, “I don’t want you to work in a bar. Ellen,” he took her hand in his. “You are a beautiful woman, I have always thought you were a beautiful, strong, sexy sex-hic- lady and I want you to wait for me.”
Her expression had gone from unamused to shocked to concerned. “Wait for you? Kid I don’t know how many years you think I have in me-“
“Age doesn’t matter to me! I wanna- I want to provide for you, I’ll get a good job and move outta my mom’s place an-“
“Oh Lord child who let you into the liquor cabinet? You’re drunk.”
“IIIIIiiii’mmm DRUNK!” Kevin suddenly burst out into song, standing up with arms flailing to serenade Ellen. “But right now I’m SSSSOOOOO in LOVE WITH YOOOUU!”
“Can somebody do something about this?” Ellen didn’t know if she should laugh or smack the kid upside his head. Across the room Benny gave Bobby a look and the man pulled out his wallet and grudgingly slapped a twenty in his waiting palm.
“AAAAAnd I don’t wanna think too much about what we SHOULD or SHOULDN’T DO!!”
“All right Mr. Reznor, concert’s over.” Charlie swooped in and dragged him physically out of the room.
“I don’t know how to feel about that.”
“Well mom,” Jo propped her hands on her hips. “A particle physicist could make six figures a year, you’re getting to that age when you shouldn’t go snubbing offers just cause they’re a little young.”
Bobby and Sam both sorted and immediately tried to cover it up as coughing.
“Joanna Beth it would serve you right if I started dating that boy and let him introduce himself ‘round as your step daddy.”
There was more strangled coughing from across the room.
~*~
“Umm hi Dean, it’s Castiel. Listen, I think Gabriel sent you that other pie, so if you get this message, can you call me? He’s not answering my texts and I- can you just make sure you open the box alone? Call me.”
~*~
“PPPPPSSSSTTTT!! YO!”
“Um, honey, I think the gentleman hiding behind that door is trying to get your attention.”
Sam looked over to where Jess was pointing. Ash had taken cover in the hall bathroom and was peering around the door, signaling to Sam.
“Yeah, I think I gotta take this.”
Ash ducked back inside as Sam approached.
“What’s up?”
“Get in here man.”
“I’m not- fuck, fine whatever.” He looked around to make sure no one was watching, then squeezed in next to Ash.
“I got that info you wanted.” Ash reeked of weed, his eyes bloodshot and half lidded to an extreme that he looked like a stoned cartoon character. “Checked out everything.”
“Ok,” Sam perked up. “So what did you find?”
“Well the phone calls is all normal, work and fam and shit, but like a few weeks ago he starts callin’ this 800 type number everyday, sometimes more. It’s to a company called Plump Person’s Hotline. I looked around and I’m pretty sure it’s to, like, a feeder chat line.”
“What the hell is that?”
“You know, people that get a rise out of feeding people, makin’ em chubby.” And he proceeded to perform an unsettling pantomime of chewing on imaginary food with his eyes rolled back and his hands caressing up and down his swaying body.
“And his internet history is just recipe tips and porn. Like, man that’s the only thing on there. How to roast sweet potatoes and busty Asian beauties. Your brother is into some weird shit. But you know, I don’t judge.”
Sam slumped back against the sink.
“You think he’s developed a..uh...sexual fetish with food?”
“Oh yeah, totally. Cause that’s the other thing, I looked up that bakery too, the one you found all those boxes from and that place does two things. $40 pies and custom adult baked goods. So either he’s dropping major coin on pie and that’s just weird, or he’s been buying way too many vagina cakes and that’s also, like, weird.”
Sam thought about all those boxes, about the two on the counter, the one in the fridge. He thought about the garage fridge filled with turkeys and Dean’s late night calls in the kitchen.
He hated being right.
~*~
“All right guys! Grubs on!” Dean yelled cheerily as he started bringing dishes out from the kitchen. Everyone started filing in, jostling each other for seats, Kevin slipping in next to Ellen while Sam followed Dean back into the kitchen.
“So uh, looks good. Still kinda shocked you suddenly know how to cook.”
Dean grinned as he shoved a bunch of serving spoons into Sam’s hands. “Just you wait, this bird is going to blow your mind.”
“Oh yeah?” he huffed a nervous laugh. “What’s your secret?”
“Love Sammy!” he said as he took the green beans to the table. Charlie was opening the wine, Bobby was growling at Jo that he wasn’t going to take off his damn hat so quit pestering and Benny was cracking Jess up with the story about a prank war the brothers had started years ago that landed them on the local nightly news.
Sam trotted back into the kitchen on Dean’s heels. “You- uh, you put love in the turkey, Dean?”
His brother eyed him, “You’re still holding the spoons Sam.”
“Oh! Yeah, I’ll uhhh- but like how much love are we talking about here?”
Dean stopped and sighed.
“Look, Sam, I know you’re all keyed up about Jess being here and you want everything to be perfect and that I may have, on occasion, burned cereal. But I got this, okay? I’ll tell you a secret, I practiced long and hard on that turkey, I’m really proud of what I did to it.”
And he slapped Sam on the back and trucked the rest of the dishes to the table while Sam panicked over how he should interpret that.
~*~
“You know it’s really hard for me to keep up the front that you’re too busy for family Thanksgiving if you keep blowing up my phone.”
“Gabriel, what did you send Dean?”
His brother giggled on the other line and he could hear the sounds of silverware and the cut of his mother’s voice over the din.
“Just a little something that says how much you wuuvvv him!”
“Oh God you didn’t, tell me you didn’t send him a cake. Gabe he doesn’t know about that side of the business! I haven’t told him yet because I wanted him to get to know me first before springing that on him!”
“First of all it’s not your business, it’s mine so what’s the big deal? And I didn’t send him a cake.”
“Oh thank God.” Castiel sighed with heavy relief.
“I sent him a Six Pence pie. Seeing how much he loooooves pie….”
“I’m going to kill you.”
~*~
“I’m not much of a grace person, but I do want to say that having you guys here, all together, this is already the best holiday I could have ever asked for. You’re my family and I love you guys. Now let’s eat!”
Dean carved. Dishes were passed, the conversation got louder and louder and looking around Dean couldn’t help smiling. He had his brother by his side, with his beautiful fiancée. He had all the people that meant most to him happy and under his roof about to enjoy the incredible meal he’d made with his own two hands. It was enough to get a guy sappy.
“What are you a vegetarian now? Take some turkey.” He cajoled his brother when he noticed the guy had passed along the plate without taking any. He seemed to be trying to convince Jess to skip it too, but she just shot him an annoyed look and speared a few pieces of white meat for herself.
“What? No, I’m uh- sure fine, looks great.” He smiled nervously at his brother as he took a single piece of meat for himself.
It was another ten minutes before all the dishes had made the rounds and everyone had filled their plates, and the whole time Sam seemed to get more and more agitated. Conversation began to die down as the sounds of forks on plates filled in the spaces and Dean began to notice that Sam and Jess seemed to be having a disagreement as quietly as they could manage.
“Sam will you relax? It’s fine.”
“It’s not it’s- will you put that down?”
“Hot damn boy, you made all this yourself?” Bobby said between enormous mouthfuls of food.
“Dean, seriously, this is amazing and I fully regret having that sandwich before I came over.”
Dean shot Charlie a look of betrayal but she just shrugged at him and shoveled more stuffing onto her fork.
“uuuUUUUUUHHHH! OH GOD! Dude this is SO good!” Ash was having some kind of cannabis induced epiphany at the far end of the table and everyone laughed. “MMmmmhhh! I’m putting gravy on everything!”
“Son, get your hand off my thigh if you want to keep it.” Ellen didn’t miss a beat or even glance up. Kevin didn’t look the least bit remorseful, Charlie reached across the table to fill his wineglass, and Dean wondered how many times she’d done that since they got here.
Next to him Sam was barely touching his food and watching everyone eat with a strange mix of panic and disgust.
“Dean, you can never tell my mother this,” Jess beamed, “but this is seriously the best turkey I’ve ever had. I usually don’t like it cause it’s too dry, but this is so moist and-“
“DON’T EAT THE TURKEY!”
Everyone pause mid-meal and stared at Sam.
He looked up imploringly at his brother.
“I’m sorry Dean! I’m sorry but we can’t eat this and I think you know why.”
Everyone started looking down at their plates in confusion then back and Dean.
“Um, no Sam, I don’t have any idea why. Mind telling me what the hell is wrong?”
“He thinks you had sex with the turkey.” Ash offered nonchalantly, the only guest still eating.
“WHAT?!”
“No! No! I don’t think you had sex with it. I just think that maybe you’ve developed a…..fixation with, um, with food that might be a little………and that maybe this wasn’t prepared in the most sanitary….”
It would be graveyard silent in that room is Ash weren’t still happily munching away.
“Why. The fuck. Would I have sex with a turkey.”
The whole group snapped their attention from Dean to Sam as one.
“I didn’t say you had sex with it! But Dean you have so many of them back there, and the pies and the late night phone calls to the fetish line-“
“Fetish line?! Sam-“
“Plump Person’s Hotline?! Dean you’ve been calling them almost every day for a month! And all the food blogs and porn on your computer and I’m not trying to judge your lifestyle but I’m just not comfortable sitting here eating if it’s giving you some weird sexual thrill!”
Dean could barely get a sentence together, gurgling with rage and the hysterical need to explode with laughter. The longer he took, the more his family believed it was the reaction of a guilty man and several of them politely pushed their plates back.
“Plumpersons!” Dean finally managed to shout.
“Yeah, no, I get it. I’m not-“
“The turkey you moron! Plumpersons turkey!”
“Oh good Lord!” Benny burst out in his husky laugh. “Sam, brother, I think what Dean is too apoplectic to say at the moment is that those phone calls were to the Plumpersons brand company hotline. They run it over the holidays.”
“What?” Sam looked between Benny and Dean, confused.
“Not that any of this should matter or be any of your business, but I needed a little help pulling this job off. I just wanted everything to be perfect for you guys, and Benny can back me up that my first few tries didn’t work out so well.”
“All the turkey’s out back?”
“Practice dummies. And can we get back to the part where you suddenly know who I’ve been calling and what my browser history is?”
By this time Sam was bright red and stammering, realizing that he may have just made a terrible mistake by accusing his brother of defiling Thanksgiving in front of their family.
“Umm….Ash. I was concerned so I asked him to……..”
Everyone collectively looked over at Ash, who grinned as wide as he could around cheeks stuffed with mashed potatoes, giving the table a double thumbs up, eyes bloodshot and nearly closed. Every single person except Sam burst out laughing and by the time it died down they’d all returned to their plates.
“But wait, I know I’ve….heard you on the phone. And you have, like, more bakery boxes around the house than any normal single person should.”
Dean slumped down and banged his head once on the table. There was no way this could possibly get more embarrassing.
“Look, the short version is, I met someone.”
“Called it.” Jess lilted smugly as she sipped her wine.
“He runs a bakery and he’s keeping me knee deep in pie. I do not have some weird sexual fetish with food.”
“Err, what’s this?” Jo leaned down and reached under the table, sitting up a moment later with something purple in her hand.
A purple, plastic bottle with the words Anal Lubricant stacked along the side.
The whole table erupted ten seconds later.
~*~
Dean! Dean please call me back! Do not eat that pie, do you understand?! Shit! I’m coming over!
~*~
“So things got frisky and one of us must have kicked it across the room. But I swear to you! This was just plain old fashioned sex between me n’ Castiel that didn’t involve food porn or rollin’ on the table we’re sitting at or anything else you guys might come in contact with. But this is my house, damnit, so I can get off with the guy I like anywhere I want. And Sam, if I don’t manage to make it to the end of this meal with the last ragged little thread of my dignity intact, you better sleep in a bike helmet with one eye open.”
“So like, what about the living room couch?” Charlie teased. “I need to put down a safety blanket ooor….?”
“No.” Dean reassured her. “………………..but you may want to steer clear of the carpet in front of the fireplace.” He couldn’t help himself, grinning as everyone around him groaned. But the situation finally seemed settled and even if he’d spent the last fourty-five minutes being mortified, it was kind of funny. Everyone was eating again, the girls taking turns harassing him for details about this new mystery boyfriend and Benny and Kevin already starting in on teasing the shit out of him and Sam for the whole mess.
Sam sought to apologize by going on to demolish two plates full of food.
“Hey,” he leaned into his brother’s space. “This really is amazing, you did a fantastic job. Thanks Dean. And sorry for the part where I thought you had sex with the turkey.”
“You did, didn’t you?! I knew it you bastard!” Dean laughed and slapped him on the shoulder, “Look, don’t worry about it man. In the end, you’re here, our family’s here, we both have someone special in our lives now and I’m a fantastic cook. But I am getting you back for this at a date of my choosing. Who wants pie?!” He crowed to the room.
Benny brought out a bottle of cognac, which Bobby nodded at appreciatively. Sam rushed to help clear while Jo and Charlie made coffee and set out dessert plates and forks. Kevin reached for the bottle of wine, but Ellen managed to move it out of range.
Dean set out Benny’s gorgeous chocolate pecan first, to which everyone cooed their praise. Next came the apple one from Cas that Dean set down as close to his plate as he could manage, he still wasn’t sure if he wanted to share it with anyone. He still couldn’t tell what flavor the mystery pie was, the top crust was decorated with a rather impressively sculpted feather and a dark red-purple filling stained the vents. Everyone wanted a slice of everything, so while the coffee and congac were handed out to those that wanted it, Dean cut even slices of each and passed the plates around. By the time he was done, all three pastries were gone and everyone was happily digging into their bounty.
“This apple is incredible.”
“Cas made it.” Dean boasted.
“Benny, I think yours is my favorite. It’s just as good as these bakery ones.”
“Why thank you ma’am, got that recipe from my mama, been on our holiday table every year long’s I can remember.”
“Dean what’s this other kind?”
“I’m not sure, blueberry? Cas didn’t say. I haven’t tried it yet, is it any good?”
“Wow, it’s really unusual, so good though!”
“Yeah it’s really delicious.”
Muffled sounds of agreement floated across the table.
“Uh, boy?”
Dean looked up at Bobby. The man had a strange look on his face, staring at his fingertips where he held something tan and oddly shaped he’d just pulled out of his mouth.
“You mind tellin’ me what this is?”
“Huh, I got one too. Or, no, there’s a couple of them in here.” Charlie poked around the filling of her pie.
“Um, Sam, sweetie?” Jess was holding up another one on the end of her fork, and Dean got a much better look this time. “I think it’s a penis.”
She was right. Every single slice of pie had at least one, small, carefully crafted member complete with an adorable, round mushroom head and two little balls.
“Aww! They’re so cute!” Jo cooed.
“Dean, honey I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” Ellen sighed, batting Kevin’s hand away when he tried to airplane one of the little guys into her mouth. It sent him sprawling sideways like a ragdoll but he just flopped back in place and continued to moon over her.
“You’rr ssssso hot.”
“Can somebody get this kid some coffee?”
Just then there was a crash in the front of the house and in the next moment Castiel came barreling into the dining room, red faced and breathing hard, tan trenchcoat falling off one shoulder, eyes wild and bright.
“DEAN! Oh-“
He pulled up short at the sight of everyone staring at him, Bobby still with the offending bonbon pinched between his fingers. “I’m too late.”
“Heya Cas, welcome to the party.” Dean ran a hand over his face, shoved himself up and left the room, and in the seconds of awkward silence, tableful of silent strangers staring at him, Castiel felt sick with the thought that everything he had with Dean was now ruined.
But Dean returned almost immediately, dragging another chair to the table and wedging it in beside his own. He moved around to Cas, pulling off his coat and chucking it blindly into the other room before taking his hand and sitting him in the chair beside his, fingers twining under the table as he stole a small sideways smile.
Nobody knew just what to say as they all exchanged glances at Castiel, Dean and the pie.
“He’s cute Dean, I’d let him plow me into the rug any day.”
“Joanna Beth!”
“What?! It’s a compliment!”
Castiel went bright red and Dean tried hard not to smile.
“Listen, I’m so very sorry for this. My brother sent this in jest, he creates….adult….confections and thought it would be amusing to send one of his specialties to Dean with my name on it.”
“I guess that explains the truck.” Dean quipped.
“Well Castiel,” Sam piped up. “I’d just like to say it’s really good to meet you and that you have nothing to worry about because this is actually not the most embarrassing thing that’s happened tonight.”
Several of them snickered and Ash started a laughing jag that he couldn’t seem to stop. Dean give Castiel a comically dramatic nod and suddenly the blocky tension in the room vanished, people eyeing him and Dean with humor and something near fondness.
“See here Cas,” Benny clapped a large hand on his shoulder. “I think this pie is delicious, your brother got a real talent. How’d he bake it with all these little peckers in there?”
“It’s a,” He sighs as if this isn’t the first time he’s had to explain. “It’s a Six Pence pie, he came up with it for a particularly bawdy Renaissance faire after party and put it on the menu. It’s very popular. Rye wheat crust, blackberry filling and marzipan…..accessories. The feather on top covers a hole, he bakes the pies and then inserts-“ he grimaces at his own word choice, “whatever…parts…the customer wants. If I’m I the kitchen he makes sound effects when he does it. It’s unsettling.”
Charlie turned to him with a look of deep concern.
“Castiel, as a lesbian, I’m not sure how to approach this. Do I just dive right in and take as much into my mouth as I can? Or just sort of kitten lick around it and hope that I finish it soon…..?”
Castiel burst out laughing, deep and husky, and Dean followed suit, squeezing the warm hand tangled in his own, thrilled beyond measure at the realization that they liked Cas, had accepted him. He wasn’t sure how much he needed that until he looked around at all the happy faces contorted with laughter and found they had made room for the man at his side.
~*~
“I really do feel I should help with something.”
Dean tighten his grip around Castiel’s waist, chin nuzzling deeper into his shoulder. They were sitting on the floor of the living room, Castiel leaning back against Dean’s chest. Everyone was splayed out on the couch or the floor or the few armchairs off to the sides. Someone had put on a horror movie, and a generically pretty young girl covered in grime was gasping and running through the woods. No one was paying much attention.
“Not a chance, Sam’s on dish duty for the rest of the week. He earned it. You don’t have to get back, do you? A bunch of these guys are spending the night, and if you play your cards right, I might be talked into some late night fooling around where we have to keep awkwardly quiet.” Dean gave him a sly look.
“I don’t believe they will be requiring my further services today, no. Or any other day. They did not appreciate my sudden departure. I was fired.” He didn’t sound too broken up about it.
“Well, uh, you know Cas, you were only pulling those extra shifts to get away from slaving for your ungrateful family. Maybe next year you could come here, spend the holiday with us. With me.”
Castiel turned in his seat to regard Dean, the open, hopeful look on his face. “You….would like me to be with you next year?”
They both knew what he meant.
Dean’s answer was to kiss him, gentle but deep, fingers tracing along Castiel’s jaw as he wrapped his legs tighter around his hips. There were several groans from around the room. Someone threw a pillow at them, but Dean only flipped them off while still kissing Cas.