Chapter Text
Gale looked half-dead with the effort of trying to find a way to reverse Astarion’s wish, and Astarion felt the guilt eating at him like a dog worrying a bone. He didn't have the strength to tell him to stop, because he hadn’t been able to decide yet. He was still torn between staying as he was or continuing to seek a path back, with or without Gale.
The guilt had been burning in him as he and Gale poured over books together in his study, and it had consumed him as he had drifted off while they were reading. He hadn’t even realized he had fallen asleep until he felt himself waking up, having a vague memory of an unsettling dream but not remembering the details. He just remembered feeling cold and clammy. He shot up, staring down at himself in horror, and he let out a distressed cry when he saw the telltale stain spreading over his clothes and Gale’s couch.
Gale shot up from where he had been sleeping at his desk, his eyes puffy and a trail of drool still stuck to his chin. “Wha—? Who?” He asked, looking around in confusion. His eyes landed on Astarion and Astarion cringed, burying his face in his hands.
“D-don’t look at me!” He cried, drawing his legs up to his chest and grasping at the blanket he had kicked off to try and cover himself. “Stay away!”
Gale blinked owlishly at him, before slumping back down into his chair, rubbing his eyes. “Oh, that. You know, I actually wet the bed until I was six? My mother never lets me forget it,” he said, and Astarion glared at him from over the edge of the blanket. Gale waved his hand, and the clammy feeling disappeared from his clothes. He looked down in surprise to see the stain completely gone. It was as if it had never happened.
Astarion slumped back against the couch. “This isn’t the first time.” It wasn’t really a question, and Gale nodded.
“Halsin thinks it’s the stress of the kidnapping,” Gale said through a massive yawn. He stood from the chair and stretched, and his body swayed so much that he had to grip the edge of his chair to stop from stumbling.
“What’s wrong?” Astarion’s embarrassment over his accident was replaced with a spike of concern for Gale, who looked as if he might pass out.
Gale’s whole body seemed to droop. “Just tired. It seems I don’t quite have the endurance to stay at the books that I did as a youth.”
Astarion’s stomach clenched at the warring emotions inside him. He bit his lip and balled up his fists, as if he could somehow will his mind to some kind of clarity. How long do you plan to run? The thought came unbidden and he took in a sharp breath, causing Gale to look at him in concern.
“Do those books even have a solution?” He asked, his voice wobbly with repressed tears. “Is there one?”
Gale’s tired gaze was unreadable as he came over to the couch and flopped down next to Astarion. He rubbed his eyes and dragged his hand down over his face, letting out a groan of exhaustion as he slumped forward to brace his elbows on his knees. When he turned to face Astarion, his face was twisted with sorrow and exhaustion.
“I truly don’t know. It’s seeming less and less likely.” Gale’s voice was gentle, but Astarion still felt the words punch into his chest like a dull needle through leather. “I haven’t given up, though! Don’t lose heart, my friend. I have yet to ask Mystra, but perhaps she would intercede.” He looked so desperate and tired, and the way his face twisted at Mystra's name drove the words from Astarion’s mouth before he could stop them.
”Maybe you should give up.”
Astarion had the rare pleasure of seeing Gale rendered completely and totally speechless. Gale stared at him, brow knitted and frowning in confusion.
”Pardon?” He finally said, and Astarion swallowed.
”I don’t want to be a spawn again.” The words came out surprisingly clear and steady given the mess of emotions whirling in Astarion’s head.
Gale looked concerned. “What’s brought this on, Astarion?”
Astarion brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, resting his chin on his knees. “I know it seems sudden. But I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.”
”If you’re only saying this for my benefit—“ Gale started, but Astarion cut him off with a scoff.
”Oh, please. When have you ever known me to do anything for anyone else’s benefit? I’m still me.”
Gale laughed at that, but his expression grew serious again. “I mean it, Astarion. I haven’t exhausted every avenue yet.”
In that moment, Astarion was nearly overcome with the impulse to tell Gale to keep going, until every scroll in every dusty corner of every library had been exhausted. But it wasn’t what he wanted anymore. For the first time in over 200 years, he could see the future stretched out ahead of him. His path as a vampire spawn was one he had already walked, and he knew if he went back down it, it would only lead him to darkness and hunger. And he would walk it alone.
The path where he stayed was terrifyingly blank. He had no idea what it held, and he knew that was part of why he had fought against it for so long. But, somehow, Gale’s promise to help him return to being a spawn was the final push he needed to abandon that dark path and take his first step towards the unknown.
He did not know what his future held, but he was finally starting to trust that whatever happened, he would not face it alone.
”Astarion?” Gale was waving a hand in front of his face, and Astarion blinked, realizing he had gotten completely lost in thought. He uncurled, turning to face Gale with a shaky smile.
”I’ve decided. I want this.” He pressed a hand to his chest. “I want to stay.”
Astarion had assumed Gale would accept his words as he usually did, with a smile and perhaps a bad pun. He was completely unprepared to see Gale’s eyes fill with tears as a wide smile broke out across his face. He grabbed for Astarion clumsily, pulling him into a tight hug.
”Oh, Astarion. You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that.” It was such a rare moment of complete sincerity from Gale that Astarion felt answering tears well up in his own eyes. “I was so afraid we would lose you to the dark again.”
Any smart remark Astarion could summon was completely drowned by the sob that caught in his throat. He clung onto Gale as hard as the wizard was clinging to him, and they both shook with half-laughing sobs until neither one had any tears left to cry.
When they finally pulled back, sharing a tear-stained smile, Astarion could see the dark circles under Gale’s eyes and how hair hung around his face in lank, greasy clumps. He wrinkled his nose.
“When’s the last time you bathed?” He asked, and Gale frowned. He lifted his arm and gave it an experimental sniff and grimaced.
“Too long ago, I think.” He stood, lifting Astarion with him. “How about we both clean ourselves up, and then call the others to join us for dinner? I’ll even make almond cake.”
Astarion perked up at that. He had developed a fondness for it, but Gale didn’t make it nearly as often as Astarion asked for it, citing absolutely idiotic reasons such as ‘too much sugar is bad for you’ and ‘your teeth will fall out’.
“If you insist,” Astarion said, not even bothering to suppress a wide grin of excitement. Gale laughed, and carried Astarion into the bathroom.
They had just come out of the bath and redressed when everyone started to arrive. Astarion was happy to see that even Shadowheart had come. She knelt down and wrapped him in a hug, and Astarion returned it, clinging onto her neck and only letting go to allow her to settle him in her lap as she flopped down on a couch.
The atmosphere in Gale’s tower was warm. Everyone had gathered, and they were all sprawled in various positions across the couches and pillows that always seemed to be in just right in number and in arrangement. Wyll was sitting on a pillow on the ground and leaning back against Karlach’s knees. Shadowheart was sitting cross-legged in an oversized chair with Astarion resting in the space between her knees. Halsin was comfortably stretched out on a wide couch, his feet up on a sturdy cushioned stool.
Gale kept poking his head out of the kitchen to add a remark or two to the conversation until he finally brought out the food. Even though no one moved, the space seemed to rearrange itself until there was a floating tabletop in front of everyone that was spread with a wide array of dishes, including the almond cake.
The meal was as pleasant as the conversation before had been. They talked of their adventures to defeat the Netherbrain, of the mundane details of their days, of everything and of nothing. Astarion sat back against Shadowheart, happily nibbling on a piece of almond cake and he had a passing thought that he wasn’t sure if he had ever been so happy in his entire life. The thought surprised him so much that he momentarily paused in chewing on the cake.
He had thought the fear of the unknown would be crushing. Debilitating. He had been unsure if he could remain true to his momentary courage earlier. And yet, when he tried to summon the expected fear, he felt none of it. He just felt warm, safe, and happy.
“Since we’ve all managed to gather here, we have something important to discuss.” Gale’s voice brought Astarion out of his reverie, and he sat up. Everyone looked suddenly attentive and Astarion felt the warm comfort vanish, replaced with a sharp sting of anxiety in his chest. It was his last chance to change his mind. He could still go back. He could still tell Gale not to stop looking.
Astarion took a deep breath. “I’ve decided to stay.” Everyone looked at Astarion with confusion. “I’ve asked Gale to stop looking for a way to reverse the wish.”
Astarion watched in wonder as everyone’s expressions shifted from confused to joyful. Shadowheart held him a little closer, pressing a long kiss to the top of his head, and everyone else looked at him with misty-eyed smiles. Astarion felt like his heart was going to pound out of his chest, like he had summoned his full lifetime of courage just to say those words.
”That is wonderful news,” Halsin said, his warm smile calming Astarion’s racing heart.
”Atta boy, Fangs! I knew you’d make the right decision!” Karlach raised her glass in a mock toast, her wide grin restoring his courage.
“This is a happy day indeed!” Wyll patted Astarion’s leg encouragingly, before his face turned thoughtful. “It’s very timely, too. We’ve all been talking, and we have something we need to discuss with you,” Wyll said, and Astarion felt the anxiety settle in his stomach like a stone.
“What do you mean? What else is there to discuss?” He asked, and he must have sounded distressed because Shadowheart held him a little tighter.
Wyll pursed his lips, as if he were not quite sure how to continue. Halsin sat up, and his face was so serious that Astarion’s heart fluttered in his chest. Had they all finally reached their limit? Were they going to tell him that looking after him for some undefinable amount of time was too much and that he was on his own, just when he had finally found the courage to trust in them?
“I have to return to Thaniel’s Realm,” Halsin said softly. “I am hoping you will accompany me there. I would most enjoy your company.”
“Let’s not be hasty,” Gale cut in. “Astarion, Waterdeep has luxuries you can’t even imagine. It’s not called the City of Splendors for show, that’s for certain. I would be delighted if you would settle with me there.”
Astarion felt his mouth drop open in shock. Before he could even say anything, Wyll held up a hand. “Surely you don’t want to leave Baldur’s Gate, Astarion? It’s your home after all. You have a greater head for political maneuverings than I do, and I would enjoy having a trusted friend by my side.”
Shadowheart squeezed him. “I don’t have much to entice you aside from a lot of traveling,” she said, “but I would be delighted to have you with me nonetheless.”
The only one who hadn’t spoken up was Karlach, and Astarion felt his eyes drift to her as he tried to process what was happening. She grinned. “Ah, well I don’t really have anywhere to be right now, so I was thinking I would just tag along with you for now.”
Astarion felt his eyes well with tears. “I—I thought you were going to cast me out.” His voice wobbled and Shadowheart pulled him close, rubbing comforting hands up and down his arms.
“We love you, Astarion,” she said quietly. “We could never cast you out, not when you’ve just only come back into our lives.”
Her words did Astarion in, and he felt the tears streaming down his face as he half-sobbed, half-laughed. “You’re all ridiculous,” he cried, because he didn’t know what else to say and he was so moved he wasn’t sure he would ever recover from the way he felt in this moment.
“You have time to decide, of course,” Gale finally said. “I have to return to Waterdeep in the next tenday, but I could come fetch you any time.”
“I also have plans to return to Thaniel’s Realm soon, but I could return to you in only a few days if you should decide you’d like to accompany me,” Halsin added, and Astarion felt tears prick his eyes again.
“I’ll need a few days to think about it,” he said, and internally he wondered how he could ever make such an impossible decision. In truth, he somehow wanted to stay with all of them, but deep down he had known it wasn’t possible. Everyone was proudly walking their own path, and Astarion was starting to see that he stood at the very head of his own.
All that remained was taking the first step.