Chapter Text
“What’s going on?” Greta asked, looking at Dana’s face. She was crying, her face swollen.
“Honey, what happened? Do I call 911?” Henry asked, worried. Dana shook her head and looked at Greta.
“I swear nothing happened, it was just texts and when she told me that we could see each other and I just panicked,” Dana explained and Greta understood. Her wife had been weird the last few weeks, like secretive, but Greta had only gotten answers that were quite evasive. Henry covered his mouth with his hand and left them alone.
Greta was dumbfounded, she never thought that this would happen to them. They loved each other, they had been together for more than 10 years, they were happy. Sure, routines could lead to boredom and weariness, but she never thought that it would get to the point of cheating.
“I swear we just texted each other, just texts,” Dana sniffed, sitting on Greta’s chair. Greta was leaning against her countertop, her arms closed over her chest, her head vowed, looking at her wedding ring. “Greta, love, talk to me,” Dana pleaded and Greta saw that she was in front of her, cradling her face with her hands. Greta grabbed Dana’s hands and placed them on Dana's stomach, away from her. They were supposed to start looking into IVF treatments.
“Why?” Greta whispered and Dana just shook her head.
“I don’t know, I was being stupid, I felt flattered that someone younger and pretty looked at me,” Dana explained, her face red and blotchy. She had always said that her crying face made her look ugly, but Greta will always find her beautiful.
“That’s comforting to hear, thanks for calling me old and ugly,” Greta spat, ironically and Dana recoiled a bit, aware of her words.
“Fuck, Greta, I didn’t mean that,” she says nervously, touching her neck. Greta scoffed.
“Did you check that lump?” she asked angrily, Dana shook her head and Greta scoffed again, exasperated.
“Greta, please, tell me something,” she asked.
“What do you want me to say?? I don’t even know if it counts as cheating, I didn’t know we had these problems! We’ve always talked about these things, maybe I was being naive and our marriage was on the rocks, fuck, Dana, I thought that we wanted to have a child together, for fuck’s sake!”
“I do, I still do! I swear, I don’t know what happened-!”
“Well, someone younger and prettier than me happened!” Greta yelled, angry.
“I swear we only texted each other, I love you, you know I do, nothing’s gonna change that, you’re the love of my life,” Dana swore frantically, her voice hoarse and Greta knew this was true. She has known Dana since they were freshmen in college, they went through everything together and Greta knew when Dana was telling the truth. She knew Dana wouldn’t cheat on her and she knew that guilt would eat Dana alive. And she also knew that Dana was sure that Greta would forgive her. And that hurted a lot.
The next couple of weeks Greta struggled to understand what had gone wrong, why things had turned out like that. She had cried with Henry, feeling ashamed of telling Jo or Jess about it.
***
“Greta?”
Greta opens her eyes and Carson is looking at her, feeling a weight on her chest. She's at Carson’s house, but it takes her a few seconds to realize her surroundings. Carson is watching her with a worried face.
“Are you okay?” Carson asks. She places her palm on Greta's cheek and runs her thumb softly.
“Yeah, yeah, why?” she asks, still a bit lost.
“You looked upset, were you having a nightmare?” she asks, lying next to her. Her hair is wet and Greta feels comforted by the familiar scent of Carson. She tries to look at her phone to see what time it is, and that’s when she realizes that Felix is the weight she feels. She chuckles and looks at Carson.
“No, not a nightmare.”
Carson keeps looking at her worriedly and Greta smiles at her. She must have fallen asleep after doing the dishes. Felix is dozing off without a care in the world, but when he feels like Greta is trying to move, he stretches his paws and yawns. Carson looks at him and then at her, nodding.
“I think he needs to rest,” she whispers and Greta laughs, glad that Carson looks a little better than last night. She stays in bed for a little while, still sleepy, but when she hears noises coming from the kitchen, she guesses that Carson is making breakfast, as the smell of toasts and coffee reaches her. She stretches and scratches Felix’s head, making him stir with a weak meow.
Greta jumps from bed and changes quickly to go find Carson. She makes a quick stop to freshen up and in no time, she hears Felix scratching the door.
“Gimme a minute,” she whispers, receiving a meow for an answer.
When she leaves the bathroom, Carson is looking at her, holding a cup of coffee for her.
“Hey,” she whispers and Carson smiles weakly. Her eyes are still a bit swollen and she looks tired, so Greta takes the cup, leaves it on the table and hugs her.
“Hi,” Carson whispers. “Meg asked me if it’s okay to have dinner at your place tonight, she wants to thank you with food.”
“Sounds lovely,” Greta answers and looks at Carson. She combs her hair softly and kisses her. “I have to stay for a little bit longer today because we’re waiting for some rolls of fabric and Henry asked me to help him, but I’ll be there.”
“Alright, I’ll come alone then,” Carson says with a small voice, making puppy eyes at her and Greta chuckles. They finish breakfast and then they leave for the subway stop. Greta kisses her when Carson leaves for the construction site and Henry calls her when she’s entering the building. She texts Carson and they talk for a bit until the fabric arrives and Greta spends the rest of the day with Henry, doing inventory and talking with some clients, feeling like she's moving forward, which is something she has been talking about with Viviane.
“What?” Greta asks when Henry chuckles.
“Margaret Gill, I don't have to ask you whose messages are those to know why you’re smiling like that,” he laughs and Greta grins sheepishly, but something changes when she remembers that day and everything had happened right at this spot. She remembers everything that Dana had confessed about those messages and the days that came. Her late wife had finally listened to Greta and she had checked that lump because Greta was worried. She almost laughs at Dana’s face telling her about the appointment, almost as if she was doing it to make Greta less angry and not because it could be something so serious as it turned out to be.
She shakes her head to clear her mind and asks Henry about it. He looks surprised at the shift in the conversation, but thinks about it.
“Why this question now?” he asks and Greta tells him about last night and the memory of Dana. Henry opens his eyes and huffs.
“I know,” Greta says and Henry chuckles.
“I do remember that day, but why are you thinking about that? Honey, Carson makes you so happy!” he says and Greta nods. Henry takes her hand gently and squeezes, his eyes earnest and bright.
“Margaret, enjoy what you’re feeling about Carson. You look so beautiful when you’re in love.”
***
When Greta is on her way to her house, she thinks that she would rather stay with Carson alone, but she doesn’t want to cancel Meg’s plan. She texts Carson to let her know she’s going and she doesn’t think much of it when she doesn’t get an answer, but she understands why when she gets into her own house.
Carson and Meg are both red in the face, like they were yelling, both standing with their arms at their side, their postures equally tense. It could have been funny given how similar they are, but the air is tense, loaded. Both of them look at Greta, still breathing heavily.
“Is everything alright?” Greta asks, cautiously and when Meg nods, about to greet her, but Carson scoffs.
“Don’t be rude,” Meg whispers and Carson’s face turns red again.
“Don’t tell me what to do, I’m not a kid anymore,” Carson groans, covering her face with her hands. Greta doesn’t know what to do or say.
“I’m sorry, Greta. We had a little misunderstanding,” Meg explains, tense and Carson shakes her head.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t,” Carson whispers, her eyes full of tears. She leaves and Greta and Meg look at each other. Meg sighs, sadly.
“I’m sorry about that,” she says, her eyes full of tears. “This time it was my fault.”
“What happened?” Greta asks and Meg takes a deep breath.
“I asked too many questions about you two and I shouldn’t have, I know,” she explains looking guilty and Greta remembers that last night Meg had the same face when she called her Gwen.
There’s an awkward silence when James and Sam arrive with a grocery bag.
“Hey, Carson is outside, what’s going on?” he asks, lost, and Greta looks at Meg, who nods at her. Greta leaves her apartment and runs down the stairs to find Carson sitting on a bench outside, a few steps from the entrance, waiting for her.
When Carson sees Greta, she lowers her eyes to her sneakers, fidgeting with her fingers.
“Hey,” Greta says, sitting next to Carson. She combs her hair and pokes Carson’s dimple when she smiles weakly.
“I’m sorry,” Carson whispers and Greta shrugs lightly.
“I don't have sisters or brothers, but I’ve had fights with Joey,” she tries to sympathize. Carson sighs and looks at Greta.
“She just knows how to push my buttons,” Carson says bitterly and Greta sees that her eyes are full of tears.
“Wanna talk about it?” Greta asks and Carson looks at her intensely. She nods, but then she shakes her head, runs her hand through her hair. Finally, she clears her throat but she doesn’t look at her, she stares right ahead, her jaw set. Greta takes her hand and places her hand on her jaw to unclench it.
“I feel like something is eating you alive,” Greta mumbles and Carson clears her throat. To Greta’s surprise, Carson laughs humorlessly.
“The thing is that this time she was kind of right, she made questions that I’m afraid to ask you, that I never know if I can ask you,” Carson says, looking at her. Greta freezes, not quite understanding.
“Then ask me!” Greta says, frowning. “Did I give you the impression that you couldn't talk to me?”
“No, no! That’s not what I mean. I just don’t know if this is going somewhere…”
“Then talk to me!” Greta says, grabbing Carson’s hand tightly.
“Sometimes… I don’t know how to tell you that I want this so much, but probably it’s not easy for you with Dana’s death and-”
“Carse, let me be the judge of that,” Greta says and Carson starts to speak but Greta’s looking at a couple looking at her.
It happens in just a second and everything stops. Greta stops listening and starts to shake. She stands up and she hears from the distance that Carson is talking to her, but she can’t hear a thing. Everything stops and Greta knows that her face just went blank because Carson is looking at her, worried.
Robert, Dana’s father has his face set, his eyes bloodshot, his demeanor completely different from the man Greta remembers. A man who once seemed tall and proud, who always had the last word, who could freeze and put down someone with just one look, now looks like a brittle old man who could snap in two with a light breeze. He has bags under his pale blue eyes and his shoulders seem to hunch under the weight of her only daughter’s death. Unlike the rest of the time that Greta knew them, her mother is a few steps ahead of her husband, wriggling her hands. Dana’s mother sees her and walks quickly towards her. She looks so much like Dana that Greta feels a cold shiver running down her spine. Same height and frame, her blonde hair streaked with gray, even the same bony hands. The only difference is their eyes. Dana’s eyes were pale blue, not the light brown that are searching for Greta's face. Greta makes it to walk past her but Dana’s mother tries to stop her. Carson is looking at her worriedly, Greta knows that she must be white as a ghost.
“Greta,” Diane whispers, her voice broken, eyes shimmering with tears.
“What do you want?” Greta asks angrily.
“We just want to talk to you,” she whispers, crying.
“Diane, now it's not a good time,” Greta tells her, shaking. Carson is right there and Greta just wants to disappear from Earth.
“Our daughter died and we couldn't say goodbye, please, let me talk to you.”
The words make Greta take a step back, breathing heavily, feeling like she was slapped. She covers her face with her hands.
“What do you want? You've already told us everything you wanted to say when you kicked her out! She was dying and you did nothing!!” Greta yells and the woman covers her mouth, crying.
“And I regret it so much, Greta, I wish I could change it all and be with her!”
“No! No! You don't get to say that, you weren't there, you didn't see her die, now leave!”
“Greta, please, give me a minute,” Diane implores and this time Carson takes a step towards her.
“Ma’am, I think it’s best if you leave,” Carson pleads with a polite and firm voice. Diane looks at her and then at Greta, her eyes watering.
“I’ll leave, but please, I would like to talk to you,” Diane pleads desperately one last time and Greta scoffs.
“Greta, please,” Robert says, his voice firm, pleading and desperate like his wife, looking at Greta, but she closes her eyes and covers her eyes with her hand.
“Don’t come back. I mean it.”
Both freeze at Greta's tone. Diane leaves and Robert lingers for a little bit and then hears them leave. Greta tries to find the key to her house but her hands are shaking and she's crying and she's feeling that everything is slipping away from her.
She remembers that Meg is staying at her house.
Meg.
Carson's sister.
Carson, who’s looking at her.
“Hey,” Carson's voice brings her back to the present, helping her. Greta is breathing heavily, hands shaking. “Hey, let's breathe, okay? Breathe with me, in and out, sounds good?”. Carson asks her kindly, her face set, her warm hand steady on her back, grounding her. They look at each other and Carson steps closer. Greta remembers when she went to her office for the first time and Carson was there too, helping her to calm down and breathe.
“I don't know what to do,” Greta whispers, trembling and Carson shakes her head.
“Hey, let's breathe, look at me,” she commands again with her firm and kind voice and Greta starts to breathe slowly, looking at Carson, focusing on her brown eyes, her dimples, the few stray gray hairs that are starting to peek and Greta starts to feel better. They stay like that for several minutes until Carson asks her if she wants to go home. Carson refers to her house like their home and panic runs through Greta's body. They start to walk slowly until they make it.
They ride the elevator in silence, Greta still processing what has just happened. She wasn’t expecting to see Dana’s parents. Seeing Diane was like seeing Dana again and she starts to feel numb. She hates it because Carson always made her feel the opposite and Dana’s parents are nothing more than an insult to Dana’s memory. Greta just hates it.
“Gimme a sec,” Greta tells Carson when they enter Carson’s department. She goes to the bathroom and splashes her face and the back of her neck with cold water. She presses her hands on the cold surface of the bathroom counter and looks at herself in the mirror.
“Greta?” Carson’s small voice reaches her and when Greta leaves the bathroom, Carson is waiting for her at the end of the short hallway that connects the bedrooms and bathroom with the rest of the house, Felix walks towards her, stretching. She’s waiting for her, hesitation written all over her body and face. Greta walks towards her and Carson looks at her worriedly.
“I wasn’t expecting that visit, I thought that Jess threatening her with calling the police was enough,” Greta tells her.
“How many times did they come?” Carson asks, frowning.
“Just once, but she did enough damage,” Greta explains with a sigh and Carson nods. She follows Greta to the kitchen and they drink a glass of water in silence.
“I know they want closure, but I can’t just wipe the slate clean,” Greta says after a long silence. Carson is looking at her intensely, but Greta can’t look at her. There’s a silence between them that Greta feels like a chasm that opens wider and wider between them. She tells her that she needs to lay down and with panic settling on her chest, she realizes she feels the same way as she did the first days after Dana’s death.
Greta falls asleep, crying and wakes up crying, Dana’s face staring at her, rotting before her eyes, wondering why she’s not helping her. Greta wakes up, crying and Carson tries to talk, but Greta cries harder, so Carson stops trying.
And Greta’s memories make her feel even worse than her dreams and her sense of guilt for being next to Carson.
***
The house was huge. It was like those mansions with tall gates made of iron. They even had a coat of arms on top of the gates.
“Holy shit, you grew up here?!” Greta asks in awe and Dana nods, with contempt.
“The bigger the house, the emptier my parents' hearts,” Dana says somberly and Greta holds her hand tighter. Dana smiles and takes a deep breath. “Come on, the staff’s door has to be open, Mary always leaves it open.”
They walk fast through the vast garden until they reach the staff entrance. Greta knew that Dana’s family was wealthy, that she had had a huge fight with her parents because Dana’s grandmother had left her a considerable amount of money. The problem was that Dana had come out to her parents and that was unacceptable.
“Sure, catholics are not gay, whatever,” she had said to Greta after explaining to her why she despised Robert and Diane Smith.
Dana guides Greta through her house and she cannot believe what she is seeing. Greta is pretty sure that one of the closets was bigger than her apartment when she was a kid. Everything looks pristine but it was also kind of eerie; it was a lifeless house.
Dana’s bedroom is on the far side of the stairs, so they walk faster, their steps muffled by the thick carpet that Greta guesses is more expensive than their car.
Dana’s room looks relatively normal in comparison to the rest of the house. The bed is neatly made, the desk is tidy and there’s only a picture of her and her parents on the wall.
Dana hurries to look for a small box with papers that says “Legal stuff” inside a safe, inside her closet. She checks the box and sighs, relieved. She laughs and kisses Greta tenderly when she sees her girlfriend with her mouth open, surprised. Dana puts the box inside her backpack and takes Greta’s hand.
“And I’m never setting foot in this house again,” Dana whispers.
“Wait!” Greta yelps when she sees Dana’s picture as a kid hanging from the wall near the stairs. Dana looks at it. She’s wearing a baseball uniform, smiling. Dana smiles and takes it. Greta puts it inside the backpack and both run down the stairs to leave as soon as possible, but they stop dead in their tracks when Dana’s mothers sees them. She’s talking on the phone and her eyes open widely when she sees someone behind her daughter and Greta. Under other circumstances, Greta would introduce herself, tell her that Dana’s is the spitting image of her mother, beautiful of course. But they are so far away from that scenario that Greta almost wants to laugh.
“What are you doing here? How dare you?” Robert yells and Dana sighs, as if bored. He’s a huge man, his face hard and his eyes cold. She barely acknowledges her father and keeps walking. “At least introduce us to your hussy.”
That does it. Dana turns around and points at her father. Robert’s lips barely move and he somehow looks taller.
“Fuck you!”
Diane is between them in an instant because Robert lifts her arm to hit her daughter. Greta pulls Dana backwards, but Dana takes a step forward.
“You’re a fucking coward.” Dana spits and takes Greta’s hand. When they are about to walk out the door, Dana looks at her mother, whose face is red, her eyes are watering. “And you, too.”
“You’re not my daughter anymore! Don’t you dare to come back when you’re out of money!”
Dana closes the door and they walk quickly to the entrance. Once they are in the car, Dana presses her forehead on the steering wheel.
“I don’t think he’s going to get mad if we don’t invite them to the wedding,” Dana says and both start to laugh, almost hysterically. Greta kisses Dana deeply and she can’t believe her lucky stars that she’s about to marry this brave and wonderful woman.
***
Greta wakes up again and Carson is sleeping with Felix, but Greta can’t look at them, she feels like nothing makes sense anymore. She starts to cry again, so Carson hugs her and kisses her shoulder and Greta needs to leave.
“I’m here, I can stay or I can go,” Carson says, worriedly.
“Please, call Jess or Jo, I can't, I just can't. I'm sorry,” Greta whispers hoarsely, crying. She feels Carson freeze, but she gets up and Greta keeps crying because seeing Dana’s parents broke her. Amidst her pain, she understands that seeing Dana’s mother was like seeing an older version of Dana. And Greta would never see that older version of Dana. Her late wife was going to be 35 years old forever. When Greta felt like she was moving on, Dana's parents reminded her that the pain of losing Dana would never go away.
The worst part is that she can’t look at Carson. Greta feels dirty, feels like she’s living a life that she’s not supposed to be living. Guilt and grief grip her and leave her breathless between each sob. She feels like Carson is too pure, too good for her, and Greta deserves nothing more than being a grieving widow for the rest of her life. What she had with Carson was an illusion, barely a meet cute story that was supposed to end when Dana’s parents showed up to remind her that she had a love and she had lost it.
She’s numb when Jess and Lupe pick her up from Carson’s place. Greta can’t look at her, can’t look at Felix because it’s too painful, too hard to see what could’ve been.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers to Carson, looking at her feet.
When she gets to Jess and Lupe’s home, Greta takes the same pill that knocked her unconscious the day of Dana’s funeral and wakes up around sixteen hours later. There’s a chiming noise that she recognises as her phone. She sees that she has a message from Meg and groans, willing herself to fall asleep again.
Her dreams are filled with Felix and baseball balls and, for some reason, he’s barking, but also sleeping and Greta wakes up with a start at hearing Lupe’s voice.
“Babe, Ruth, stop it! Stop it!”
There’s more noise, a small knock on the door and Jo’s sitting next to her.
“Hey, slugger,” Greta whispers and Jo smiles at her.
“Hey, Bird. Jess called, Carson told us what happened,” Jo says, looking at her worriedly. Before Greta can say anything, Jo speaks again.
“Viviane is here,” Jo whispers and Greta nods.
Her therapist is waiting for her, petting Babe and Ruth, Lupe and Jess’ dogs. When she sees Greta, she smiles and grabs her purse.
“Are you up for a ride?” Viviane asks with a small smile and Greta nods. She’s surprised by this approach, but she welcomes it.
They ride in silence for a few minutes. Viviane asks her if she can turn on the radio and Greta nods. There’s an old tune and Viviane hums along, while Greta looks out of the window.
“Where are we going?”
“I have to buy a couple of things, Josephine called me saying it was urgent, so I took a risk and maybe I could do both,” Viviane tells her and Greta smiles.
They stop at Whole Foods and Viviane stops to make sure she has the list. Greta grabs a cart and they go inside the market. It’s quiet, it’s the middle of the morning during an office day.
“Did Jo say something?” Greta asks while Viviane picks bananas. She stops, places the fruits inside the cart and nods.
“Would you like to tell me about it?” Viviane asks kindly and Greta sighs. She starts slowly, feeling like the tears are about to cut her story short, but she manages to tell her therapist about the encounter with Dana’s parents and the guilt that is eating her alive for being. She also tells her about her conversation with Carson and where the relationship is going.
“Relationship?” Viviane asks and Greta shrugs.
“It’s something like that. It’s been a few months, maybe we did the whole U-haul lesbian thing way too quickly.”
Viviane thinks about it and Greta too. Carson’s been in her life for far more time, almost like a lighthouse that she looked at when she felt lost.
“Do you think that you were moving too fast? You mentioned that her sister stayed at your place. Could you pass me that jar?” Viviane asks and Greta nods, thinking about the question. She grabs a jar of jam from the top shelf and gives it to her therapist.
“I don’t know. We did what it felt right, perhaps it was too much to offer my house to her sister,” Greta answers and Viviane nods.
“Let’s think about this. Because based on what you told me, the conversation with Carson started because she wasn’t communicating, which is something that it’s not your fault.”
Greta thinks about Viviane’s words and nods slowly. She remembers Carson’s face while they were talking and she feels like a flood of love and affection for her. She also wants to kill her for not talking to her about them, but she also understands Carson. Greta sometimes feels like she has too much baggage, but that never made Carson take a step back.
“And Dana’s parents had a terrible timing,” Greta adds and Viviane chuckles.
“They did. You know that I don’t like to talk much about what ifs, but what would have happened if you guys finished that conversation?”
“Without the horrible appearance of Diane and Robert?” Greta asks while continuing walking through the empty aisles. Viviane nods with a chuckle, while she puts some peas inside the cart.
Greta hums, thinking. She grabs a bag of cashews, Carson’s favorites.
“I think that it could have been a good outcome,” Greta mumbles and Viviane nods.
“We’ve talked about guilt, which is why I believe you feel that you had a setback.”
“I don’t know if it’s a setback. It was like Dana’s death was very real, I don’t know if that makes sense.”
Viviane nods, thinking. They are at the register and they pay for their groceries.
“We've discussed this when you started to like Carson, Dana’s death will always be present, the intensity of that loss sometimes will be lighter or stronger. That’s what the time is all about, anniversaries mark that. Josephine told me that their daughter’s birthday is the day after Dana’s anniversary of death.”
Greta nods.
“Do you wish to skip it?”
“No, no. I really want to go.”
Viviane smiles when Greta's answer also comes with a smile.
“That's great. It's okay to want things, Greta. It's what makes us move forward.” Greta nods at this, somehow lighter. “It's always good to have cake,” Viviane adds with a chuckle and Greta nods, feeling lighter.
When Greta arrives at Jess and Lupe's house, she is greeted by the dogs and her friends. They look at her and smile. She smiles back when she sees that Jo is holding Lily.
“Hey, Red. You good?”
Greta shrugs and sits next to Jess. She takes their hand with a sigh.
“Shaw came, she left your keys,” Jess says, pointing at the keys. Her phone chimes and Jess stands up to give her some privacy, but Greta shakes her head and takes the phone to listen to the voice message.
“ Hey! I stopped by to give you your keys. Meg says thank you for giving them your place. They left today, so your house is back to being yours.” There’s a small silence and Carson clears her throat. “I’m sorry about yesterday, I know I screwed up and then Dana’s parents were there and I feel like everything went to shit. I would like to talk, whenever you want, no pressure. I’m really sorry.”
Greta listens to the message again, thinking about Viviane’s words.
“Is everything okay? Jo told me those motherfuckers came back,” Jess says, patting her on the head. Greta smiles.
“That and we need to work on Carson's communication skills,” Greta explains and Jess chuckles.
“It’s understandable,” Jess says. Greta takes a deep breath and tells her friend about Caron’s drunken confession of love. Jess nods, humming. “Shaw is all in.”
Greta nods with a smile, knowing she is too. She extends her arms to Lily, who goes on wobbly legs and squeals with laughter when Greta picks her up and blows a raspberry on her tummy.
“So, what’s the deal with this little girl’s birthday?” Greta asks and Jo smiles.
“Are you sure you’re okay with it?”
Greta smiles and when she answers, she's glad to say the truth.
“Yes, I’m really sure.”
Jo smiles and tells her about the birthday in the small cabin that they had booked.
“I’m doing the barbecue,” Jess says, making some pew pew noises and Lily tries to mimic them. They all laugh at Lily’s attempts while Jo finishes to tell them the birthday’s plan.
“I told Shaw last week, but I can tell her that maybe it’s best-”
Greta doesn’t let them finish.
“It's okay, Jo. I’ll always want Carson to be there.”
That night, when she’s in bed with the dogs sleeping on the floor next to her bed she texts Carson after listening to her voice message a couple of times.
To Carse: Hey, sorry for the late response. You didn’t screw up, so there’s nothing to apologize for. It was bad timing because they showed up, but I would like to finish our conversation, if that’s okay with you.
The answer is almost immediate.
Carse: More than ok .
To Carse: See you at Lily’s birthday?
Carse: You’ll see me there :)
***
Greta enters her apartment the next morning and everything is spotless. There’s a lovely bouquet of flowers with a note from Meg to thank her. She smiles when she sees Sam’s sign as a scrawl with a crayon. She walks to the window and sees that Carson’s house is empty but Greta sees that Felix is sleeping peacefully on the couch. She stares at him for several minutes and something warm stirs within her, something that feels like healing, like love, like hope.
The next morning, Greta is a bit nervous. She feels better now. She understands that triggers are just that and those are now eternal. She's glad when Viviane calls her to wish her good luck.
”Enjoy the cake!” she says and Greta chuckles. She closes the door and waits for Jo and May because they are going together to the cabin they rented to celebrate Lily’s birthday on the outskirts of Rockford. Carson is waiting for her and Greta smiles shyly at her, glad when Carson takes a deep breath and smiles weakly. She’s wearing her baseball cap backwards and Greta feels like everything inside moves when she sees Carson like this. When looks at her again, she notices that Carson has a rather new looking bruise on her cheekbone.
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
“Everything okay?” Greta asks softly and Carson looks at her, but averts her eyes quickly and nods with a small smile.
“Yeah, a bit sore,” she says and Greta nods, looking at the bruise on Carson’s cheekbone. Greta takes a small step towards Carson and slowly, she places her hand on her cheek. Her heart is going like crazy because Carson leans into her and closes her eyes, her shoulders relaxing.
“What happened?” she asks and Carson shrugs. She opens her eyes and looks at her.
“I ran into a scaffolding at the construction site. I’ve been a bit distracted this past week,” she explains and Greta nods.
“I’m glad it was just this, I’m sorry for the other guy though.”
Carson chuckles and takes a step back when Jo stops right across the street.
“Bird, Farm Girl, let’s go!” they say, grinning and Greta and Carson made their way to the car. Lily’s sit car is placed in the middle of the backseat, so Greta and Carson sit on the sides.
Lily squeals with joy when she sees Carson and wants to put on her cap, so Carson gives it to her, combing her hair, a bit embarrassed.
“Lily, I have not combed my hair today,” she says and everyone laughs. Greta looks at Carson with what she knows is a rather stupid grin on her face. She sees that Jo looks at her through the rearview mirror with a smile.
The ride to Lily's birthday is all baseball talk between Carson and Jo. At some point Lily falls asleep, while May tells Greta that she wants to join the Peaches.
When they arrive at the cabin, they see the team in the distance, getting everything ready for the day. May opens the stroller, while Greta has Lily sleeping in her arms.
“Carson, honey, could you take the stroller and this bag? We'll get the food and we'll be right there,” she says. Carson, pulling the stroller and Lily's bag hanging from one shoulder, and Greta with Lily, walk slowly towards the small cabin. Jess, Lupe, Esti and Ana are chatting while Jess is lighting up the fire for the barbecue.
They walk in silence, only listening to the rest of the team, that waves at them when they see them.
“Does everyone have repellent?” Shirley asks, stepping outside the cabin and smiling at them. Greta smiles when Lily stirs and looks around her.
“Hey, kiddo,” Jess says and Lily wobbles towards them while they settle for the day.
Jo and May come with Terry, her husband and their toddler and a few kids from daycare and Greta can’t help to think about how idyllic everything looks. She sees that Carson is talking with Max and Es, and Greta is glad that she sees her more relaxed.
“All good, Red?” Jess asks, while Greta helps them with the burgers and the hot dogs. Greta sighs and nods.
“All good, slugger,” she says, smiling and Jess winks at her.
They have a wonderful day celebrating Lily’s birthday and Greta chooses to focus on her chosen family, on Carson. They didn’t talk much during the day, Greta looks at her and marvels at how far she has come thanks to her friends and to Carson.
That night, when Jo leaves them at Greta’s house, there’s a small silence in which Carson fidgets a bit with her feet, but nods with a smile when Greta asks her if she wants to come upstairs with her.
They ride the elevator in silence, laughing when Carson says that they smell like smoke and repellent. Greta gets closer and smells Carson’s neck. She sees her shiver at the proximity and the air between shifts. When the elevator stops, Greta takes Carson’s hand and they walk together.
“I want to show you something,” Greta says, turning on the lights. Carson closes the door while Greta opens the curtains. She sits on the part of the sectional in which she practically lived in a catatonic state for several weeks after Dana's death.
“Come,” she says with a smile, patting the spot next to her so Carson can sit next to her. Greta is so used to being at Carson’s place that she’s about to call Felix. Carson’s expression is guarded, almost fearful, so Greta places her hand on her cheek and kisses her lips softly. Carson smiles and her eyes go to the balcony of her house.
“Hey, I can see Felix!” she says, smiling brightly, looking at Felix sleeping at his bed perched on the window. Greta nods, she clears her throat and looks at Felix and then at Carson. The intensity of her warm eyes makes Greta look at Felix again. She takes a deep breath, gathering courage.
“When Dana died, I couldn’t understand it. I mean, I was aware but I was numb, I wasn’t hungry, I didn't understand how I could live a life without her. When she died I stopped caring about what was ahead of me. All I did was sleep and thanks to Jess and Jo, I barely ate and went to the bathroom, but that was it. I was not living, only functioning.”
Greta takes a deep breath and looks at Carson. She’s listening to her intensely, almost at the edge of her seat, her warm hand resting on Greta’s tight, her thumb moving slowly in a soothing motion.
“A few days after the funeral, I didn’t want to be awake, so I… I thought that being passed out drunk was better that being awake, so I tried to drown an entire bottle of Vodka and long story short, I dropped the bottle, I cut my hand and I ended up here where we are sitting, laying right here, looking at a ginger cat that was sleeping on the balcony from the apartment across the street.”
“You looked at Felix?” Carson asks, entranced by Greta’s words. Greta nods, her eyes filling with tears.
“At the time he was a lovely ginger cat. There was someone else that caught my eye, the woman that lived with him, who, at the time I thought, was a cartoonist because of the desk.”
“A cartoonist? That’s so cool.” Carson whispers.
“I know. So I looked at you both live your life and it might sound weird or like a stalker, but I started to look at you. At first I looked at you because you took my mind out of the pain that I was feeling, but then I felt like I wanted to know you. And I will sound like a stalker, I’m well aware of that, but I saw that you were about to leave your house, so I followed you,” Greta says quickly, feeling her cheeks warm.
“Greta,” Carson whispers in awe, smiling and Greta laughs, embarrassed.
“I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but I felt like it was the first time that I wanted to do something, the first time in which I looked forward to something.”
Carson struggles to say something, but she can only smile at Greta, her eyes shining with tears. Greta tries to talk, but her voice cracks and a few tears fall, but she clears her throat and continues.
“Not even in a million years, by all the odds in the world, not even in my wildest dreams, I would have imagined that I was going to meet you, that I was going to know Felix, that I was going to know that your desk is full of blueprints and doodles and supermarket lists, but for some reason, it happened.”
Greta wipes Carson's tears away and then hers.
“So I need to say that you can tell me anything and if you ask me again if this is going somewhere, I'll tell you that it scares the shit out of me, it scares for reasons that I'm still trying to understand because I thought I was going to love someone until my last days but yes, I want this to go somewhere! But please, talk to me.”
“I’m so sorry,” Carson apologizes and Greta shakes her head, smiling.
“Look at us, I'm confessing my past as Carson Shaw's stalker because all the things I pictured about you were nowhere near to the wonderful person you are in real life and I'm still in awe that we've met.”
Carson sighs, kisses Greta’s shoulder and presses her forehead on her shoulder.
“I don’t know if you remember the night you got drunk,” Greta sees that Carson’s ears get red, so she hurries to continue. “You said that you would carry my sadness if that meant that it would make me less sad and that’s beautiful. But I couldn't let you carry this sadness, you take it away by just… By just being you.”
Greta kisses Carson softly. She is about to talk, so Greta starts talking again to finish what she needs to say.
“Please know that you make me so happy, you give me something that I thought I had lost forever, you give me happiness and hope and like I said, it scares me so much because you've shown me that it's possible to love someone again.”
The kiss starts almost chaste, but in no time, they are sloppy and needy, their hands clumsy, trying to touch as much as possible. There's a feral want, even if they are going down a path that both recognize because Greta knows that Carson makes that throaty noise when she nips lightly her neck while she touches her breasts. And Carson also knows that Greta loves when she grabs her ass and presses their pelvis together, moving desperately so they are touching each other. This time everything is frantic and they need each other right now and they end up panting, with their foreheads pressed together, mouths and fingers coated with arousal.
“I do remember what I said that night I got drunk and meant every word,” Carson pants and Greta squirms because Carson’s fingers are still tracing patterns on her skin. “I remember because I said out loud what I have been thinking for a while. I love you, Greta.”
Greta knows that Carson is going to say that she doesn’t have to say it back, so she kisses her, enjoying Carson’s naked body on top of hers.
“I love you too, Carse,” she whispers and Carson’s smile assures her that Greta is making the right choice, the perfect one, next to Carson.