Chapter Text
Arturo, staring upwards: So, J broke up with me... haha...
Veronika: Why are you looking up?
Arturo: I need to cry, but my foundation was 48 dollars!
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Charles, making coffee: This is going to fix everything.
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David: I love saying 'fuck me' because it can either be sexual or self-loathing and those are two things that describe me perfectly.
Eden: Therapy. You need therapy.
David: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU NASTY BITCH-
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Whit: Alcohol is delicious! ...I mean, MAlicious. Sorry guys, I'm really drunk right now.
Charles: Who gave Whit the beer this time?
David, with a sly smile: Hehehe~
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Arei: Why do humans have different blood groups?
Veronika: So mosquitoes can enjoy different flavors.
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Hu: If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is all I need.
Hu: Not all this "how did you get into my house" business.
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Charles: I am the left brain, I am the left brain. "I work really hard until my inevitable death" brain. You've got a job to do, you better do it right and the right way is with the left brain's might.
Whit: I LIKE OREOS AND PUSSY AND DICK-
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Eden: Why is everyone so obsessed with top or bottom? Honestly, I'd just be excited to have a bunk bed!
David:
David: I'm gonna tell her.
Xander: Don't you dare.
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Eden: Know why I called you in here?
Arei: Because I accidentally sent you a boob pic.
Eden: Stops pouring two glasses of wine. Accidentally?
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David: You know my motto: carpe diem, carpe noctem, carpe coles.
Nico: Seize the day, seize the night, what's the last one?
David: Seize the dick.
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Ace: The real treasure was the memories we made along the way.
Nico: I almost died.
Ace: That... was my favorite memory.
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Teruko: Christmas lights?
Rose: Check.
Hu: Thermos of hot cocoa?
Rose: Check.
Eden: Santa suits?
Rose: Check.
Xander: Shovel?
Rose: Check.
David: Alibi and bail money?
Rose: Check- wait, WHAT?!
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Hu: Stands in trash can.
Eden: Hu, not again! You're not trash, you're at least recycling!
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Murderer: Any last words?
Arei: Do you think I'm cute? Be honest.
(How Arei died in ch.2 canon)
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Charles: Arei is a little bitch.
J: Why?
Charles: Number one, she's little. Number two, she's a bitch.
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David: Why should I make my bed, when I'm just gonna unmake it to sleep in it anyways?
Hu: Why should I feed you if your just gonna die anyways?
David:
David: I'll go make my bed-
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Arei: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container.
Ace: The cow??
Arei: What?
Min: Ace, W H Y?
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Veronika: Sucking on a popsicle
Ace: Pfft, you practicing for when Arturo gets here?
Veronika: Takes a huge ass bite out of the popsicle
Ace: Concern
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Whit: You know what I asked Santa for Christmas this year?
Charles: If you say me, I swear I'll—
Whit: You? What? No, I asked him for that cool Ninjago Lego set we saw in Target!
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J: I wouldn't wish that upon my worse enemy!
J: Unless of course. . We're talking about my enemy, Arturo. Fuck you Arturo, you know what you did!
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Charles, trying to impersonate Whit: What do you call quantums of electromagnetic radiation that don't get along?
Whit: What did you just say-
Charles: Foetons! Laughs
Whit: Wh-what?!
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Teruko: So Charles, how did your first time cooking dinner go?
Charles: Pretty good if I do say so myself.
Teruko: Oo... Okay, what are we having?
Charles: Alright, so for appetizers, we have a potato.
Teruko: A whole potato?
Charles: Yes. And then for the main course, we have grilled cheese sandwiches!
Teruko: These just look like big slabs of black.
Charles: Because that's what they are!
Charles: And then for desert, we have chocolate.
Teruko: These are just chocolate chips?
Charles: They sure are.
Charles: And then for drinks, we have toast.
Charles: Lifts up a glass of blended toast Bon appetite, I guess.
Whit: ... A-ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US BUD?!
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MonoTV: I've invited you here because I crave the deadliest game...
Whit, nodding: Knife Monopoly.
MonoTV: I was actually going to say a killing game, but now I'm really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is.
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Arturo: You are a solid 11/10.
Veronika: Aw, thank-
Arturo: Which is 1.1 because you look like shit.
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Whit: I'm yet to properly begin my history notes BUT!!!! I got 100% on a quiz about European countries so who's the REAL winner here.
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Ace: You're insane!
Levi: Sure I am, what's your point?
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J: Do you want to play 20 Questions?
Arei: Sure!
Arei: What's your favorite color?
J, laser fucking focused: Triangle. Do you like women?
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Eden: You can track Ace?
J: Of course I can. If the NSA can do it, so can I.
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Nico: Rose, gather the others. We need to have another Ace-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-him-before-he-hurts-someone convention.
Rose: Too late.
Nico: Aw, crap-
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Whit: Every zoo is a petting zoo unless you're a coward.
Charles: I'm worried about you.
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Levi: When's the last time you slept?
David: Uh... a few days ago, I think.
Levi: A few- how many?!
David: Uh... Starts counting on his fingers I need more fingers...
Levi: What you need is sleep!
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Rose: Standing at the top of the stairs What are y'all doing at the bottom of the staircase?
David: I accidentally fell down.
Charles: WHIT PUSHED ME down the stairs because I refuse to pay HIS part of our rent!
Levi: David bet me fifty bucks that I couldn't reach the bottom of the stairs faster than they did falling down it, so I slide down the banister to get my money.
Nico: I don't know how I got here. One moment, I was sleeping in my bed, three floors up, and then suddenly I was waking up here, just in time to get crushed by Levi.
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Min: Just a minute. I need to go take out the trash.
Teruko: Oh. We're going out?
Min: Wh...
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Eden: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am-
J: A doll.
Levi: A cinnamon roll.
Nico: A sweetheart.
Eden:
Eden: ...stop it.
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Levi: A mosquito tried to bite me and I slapped it and killed it.
Levi: And I started thinking.
Levi: Like, it was just trying to get food.
Levi: What if I went to the fridge and it just slammed the door shut and snapped my neck?
Ace: Are you ok?
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Xander: J, why does your bucket list have 'Die' on it?
J: So I can die feeling at least a little bit accomplished.
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Levi: Ugh, there's always that weak bitch in the group who isn't down with murder.
Levi: Glares at Eden
Eden: Well, sorry I have morals!
Levi: Yeah, and what's next, you're gay?
Eden: . . .
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-The Protag Squad is at Whit's house-
Eden: Ohhhh we each get our own oven?
Whit: ...N-No...
Whit, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???
Teruko, motioning to the kitchen: Three, I thought!
Eden: I see a-
Whit, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.
Charles: Oh, well I-
Whit: Hey, wait wait, actually- hang on- Fiddles with buttons on microwave
Whit, amazed: Its got a bake setting!
Eden: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!
Teruko: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?
Whit: Now I've discovered more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin'!
Whit: I am someone who owns four ovens...
Whit, louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS...
Charles, pointing to another appliance: Also, the toaster oven!
Whit:
Teruko: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!
Whit:
Whit, ecstatic: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS.
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Hu: Okay, how do I look? Be honest.
David: There's no critic more honest than Arturo!
Arturo: Bad.
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Min: Who's in charge here?
Teruko, shrugging: Usually whoever yells the loudest.
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Teruko: Throw lamps at people who need to lighten up, and throw handles at someone who needs to get a grip!
Whit: Throw a refrigerator at someone who needs to chill!
Charles: Throw scissors at someone who needs to cut it out!
Eden: Throw a clock at someone who needs to get with the times!
Veronika: Throw matches at someone who needs to get fired up!
Levi: Throw a brick at someone to kill them.
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Arei: Eden learned how to fold origami penguins from David the other day. I told her, "I feel a little bad for the penguins, it's hot here", and the next day she put them in the fridge.
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Whit, jumping up trying to open the cabinet: Waaahhh!
MonoTV: Why is Whit trying to open the cabinet?
J: He claimed to have seen a video on how to turn bones into rubber, so I hid the phone for the safety of the remaining twelve human beings excluding Whit himself.
MonoTV: Eh?
Eden: Whit Phone = Death of everyone.
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Whit: Holy shit, Cha-Cha, do you know what this means?!
Charles: Whit, whenever you start doing this, nobody knows what you mean.
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Teruko: Well, you know what they say: Can't bake a pie without losing a dozen men!
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Rose: "Ladies and gentlemen" is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly, I'm falling asleep already. "Dumbasses" on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, to the point, and dramatic.
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Eden: We should get you to a doctor for a check up immediately. What if it happens again, and there isn't anyone around to help you? What if it's congenital? Oh my God! Was it me? Did I hurt you?
Arei: ...You realize any other person that made their partner pass out on bed would simply feel really proud of themselves, right?
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J: As top in this relationship, I think we should-
Arei: I can't believe you're pulling rank on me.
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Ace: What are you in the mood for?
Levi: World domination.
Ace: That's a bit ambitious.
Levi: You are my world.
Ace: Aww...
Levi:
Ace:
Levi:
Ace: OH.
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Teruko: Hey, wanna take a shower with me?
Charles: I have a gun in that nightstand beside the bed. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shot me because I've obviously gone crazy.
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Whit: Wow, Charles, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.
Charles: We literally slept together yesterday.
Whit: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.
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Hu: Levi, you do remember when we agreed we were better off as friends, right?
Levi, naked in Hu's bed: No, I absolutely do not.
Hu, already taking off her clothes: Fuck... Me neither.
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Nico: Look, last night was a mistake.
Rose: A sexy mistake.
Nico: No, just a regular mistake.
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David: I feel like doing something stupid.
Xander: I'm stupid, do me.
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Teruko: I like your new pants!
Min: Thanks, they were 50% off!
Teruko: I'd like them better if they were 100% off. Winks
Min: The store can't just give away clothes for free.
Teruko: Thats's... not what I meant.
Min: That's a terrible way to run a business, Teruko.
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(*)
Levi: Heading out to see Ace
J: Don't do anything I wouldn't do!
Levi: I think I crossed that line when I got a date with a boy.
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Xander: Where are you going?
David: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one!
Xander: I told you I did! Its coming here on Friday!
Teruko, knowing full well that Xander got David an engagement ring: Eating popcorn.
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David: Two brooooos!
Xander: Chillin' in a hot tub!
David: Five feet apart 'cause we're not gay!
Xander:
David:
Xander: Tearing up
David: Babe, c'mon...
Xander: AND HERE YOU REALLY HAD ME THINKING WE HAD SOMETHING.
David: Babe...
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J: Yeah, a partner sounds nice, but a supreme enemy you can make out with in secret sometimes sounds a lot more hardcore.
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Whit: Hey, what have you two been doing?
Charles: we were helping Min with her wedding vows and we were kicked out of her house for making it inappropriate.
Xander: How is "Nice ass, Teruko" inappropriate?
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Charles: Arturo, take out the trash.
Arturo: Sure, Veronika, will you go out on a date with me?
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Nico: Rose and I are no longer friends.
Rose: NICO, THAT IS THE WORST WAY TO TELL PEOPLE THAT WE'RE DATING!
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Xander: How do I tell David that I want him to yell at me like he's Gordon Ramsay and I'm a poor little chef who just ruined a crème brûlée?
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Veronika: Arturo is playing hard to get.
Veronika: Little does he know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.
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Whit: Ooh, somebody has a crush
Xander: Pfft, I don't have a crush on David I just think he's cool, it's not like I stay up at night thinking about him.
Later that night
Xander, very much awake: Uh oh.
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Arei: I love you.
Eden: I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that.
Arei and Eden kiss passionately
Whit, to J: You owe me 20 dollars.
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J: How much did you spend on this date?
Arei: $1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years.
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Veronika, looking through her clothes: Has anyone seen my top?
Ace: Arturo's in the kitchen. He lost his bottom.