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Bdubs stared intensely at the crayon he was holding, mixed feelings twisting inside his chest. He was a grown man, what was he doing sprawled out on the floor with a box of crayons, a horse plushie, and - the most "concerning" item - a pacifier.
How did he get here in the first place?
The first memory he had of hearing about....all this...was his lunch date he had with Impulse last week.
It had been ages since the two had a moment together, just the two of them. They agreed to meet at Moss O' Menos and Bdubs would fix drinks for both of them.
Impulse sat paitently at his table and idly watched Bdubs skillfully and rhythmically work the coffee machine. Despite not working here for a couple months - considering the "moss" part of Moss O' Menos was fully self sufficient - the muscle memory had stuck firmly in Bdubs hands.
"You said a milksog with extra sog, right Impulse?" Bdubs called over his shoulder.
Impulse's head popped up, returning back to earth from where he was in his head. "Hm? Oh yeah, extra sog please and thank you."
Bdubs noticed this mental abstinence in his friend, his eyebrows furrowed. "You're not staying up late working on that Dwarven cave, are you? mister?"
"Me? No, never!" Impulse scoffed, sarcasm dripping in his voice.
"Hey now, don't take that tone with me sir! Sleep schedules are very serious," Bdubs insisted.
Impulse stifled a laugh, covering his mouth with his hand. "Geez, okay Dad! What? Are you going to make eat my vegetables and brush my teeth too?"
Bdubs considered the question as took two cups of coffee off the counter. "Well, having some carrots and potatoes as you're building doesn't hurt you, you know."
Bdubs set the cup in front of his friend, then took his own seat across from him. "And brushing your teeth should be a given, just because you're larping doest mean you have to practice medieval oral hygiene."
Impulse dramatically rolled his eyes, playfully letting out a "frustrated" huff. "You amaze me sometimes."
Bdubs proudly put his hand to his heart and flashed a toothy grin. "Why thank you! I amaze me too!"
There was a pause before both men burst out into hushed giggles.
Bdubs was able to calm himself enough to remember how this conversation had started in the first place. "But...I am serious dude, are you feeling alright? You seemed out of it earlier."
"No, no, you were spot on. I've been staying up late and building," Impulse admitted, a slight twinge of shame in his eyes. "I'm working on this giant nether portal in the shape of a sword, you never realize how hard obsidian is to work with until you make something giant with it."
"Oh Impulse," Bdubs proclaimed theatrically. "How could you?? After you were my soulmate?!"
Impulse hid his face behind his cup, avoiding eye contact from Bdubs.
Bdubs rested his elbow on the table to point a long index finger right between Impulse's eyes. "I tried my heart off to get you to sleep better! This is the thanks I get?"
Bdubs could feel the playful energy that had kept him and Impulse so connected during Doubld Life. Having your life connected to another person changes a lot...a lot.
Bdubs was mid sip when he heard the sound of a communicator receiving a message. Impulse unhooked the small device from his belt and stared at the screen for a long while. Impulse sighed and shook his head, a very faint smile on his face.
"Geez, I hate to cut this short, Bdubs, but Gem needs my help." Impulse pushed his empty towards Bdubs and stood up. "Acording to Pearl, she slipped and is acting a little fussy."
"Slipped?! Is she OK?"
"Oh yeah, she's fine," Impulse insisted. "A fresh pair of pajamas and some cartoons and she'll be as good as gold."
The fact Impulse had used the word "fussy" to describe Gem's situation...Gem...a full grown woman...acting fussy??
Bdubs was about to make a comment on it, but was interupted by the sound of Impulse putting on his Elytra. "I'll make sure to make this up to you, ok? Take care!" Without another word, he was off.
...concern, yeah, that's what Bdubs was feeling. Concerned that one of his friends was possibly injured. Concerned about Impulse and his sleeping habits. Concerned that one of his best friends just walked out on him...so easily...
Yeah...being soulmates did change a lot.
The second time this topic had come up was when Bdubs had decided to make a trip down to Scarland, just to check on Scar's progress on the amusement park.
He found Scar attending to one of the many gift shops that was scattered around the theme park. Bdubs meandered inside the shop. Instantly Bdubs was greeted with bright colors and multiple patterns on the wall, akin to that of a children's playroom.
"Oh Bdubs! What a pleasant surprise!" Scar came in to view. He was using his wheelchair today instead of his cane. Which mde sense, easier to stock shelves that way. Scar rolled away from a shelf he was stocking, moving closer to Bdubs. "Welcome to Scarland's very own co-op. Anyone can sell their own products here," Scar explained.
Bdubs looked around and nodded approvingly. "This is very impressive, Scar."
"D'aw, shucks Bdubs, I'm flattered," Scar chuckled. "Well, you don't have to just stand there, go look around, maybe you'll find something you like!'
So that's what Bdubs did. He strided slowly between the aisles and took time to throughly look at each item. Cub was selling some of his potions that he once sold at his "drive through coffee shop." Tango was selling some Decked Out merchandise that included t-shirts, headbands, keycahins, etc. Cleo was selling build-your-own puppet kits that came with armour stands, heads, and instructions hand written by the puppet master themself. Stress was selling....
"...pacifiers?" Bdubs exclaimd, rather bewildered. He took a look at the small displays again. Surely, surely, these were not real life pacifiers. They had to be gag gifts or something. Hermits are tricksters and Bdubs wouldn't put it past one of them to gift another hermit an item made for babies as a joke.
After closer inspection, Bdubs' beliefs that these were gags gifts began to drift away. For starters, they were way to big for a baby. A real baby would choke on the nubs of these. Secondly, these were way too well made to be just for a joke gift.
"Scar-" Bdubs began, suddenly realizing he had no clue how he was going to ask Scar what was going on.
The park owner rolled over to the aisle that Bdubs was standing in. Before Scar said anything, he could already see the gobsmacked expression on his customer's face.
Bdubs helplessly looked at Scar, then back at Stress' display.
"Can...can I help you?" Scar asked, genuinly confused by Bdubs' reaction.
"I...uhm..." Bdubs made one last helpless attempt to motion with his eyes to the display of baby products that stood before him. Unfortunately, Scar was unable to pick up on this silent que and waited for a verbal question from Bdubs.
"Do you know the story about...uhm...these?"
"Oh!" Scars face lit up happily. "Yeah Stress started selling these last week, aren't they cute? The littles are going to love these."
Bdubs' eyebrows furrowed aggressively. "The who?!?"
"You know, the littles," Scar stated, like it was a very obvious answer.
"No, no I don't know "the littles" Scar," Bdubs grumbled.
"Like, the age regressors and those people." Scar backed away from the display and made his way to another aisle.
Bdubs had...so may questions. However, his head wasn't straight enough to form a real sentence. He decided it was best if just left the store and pretend like this didn't happen.
....except he couldn't pretend that he didn't see that in Scar's store.
The whole interaction had plauged his mind all day.
Bdubs was in the bedroom of his Monolith, pacing - to the best of his ability in the extremely small room - back and forth as he was deep in thought.
"None of this makes sense," He mumbled to himself. "Why would Scar sell something like that, and not as a joke gift?"
Well, to be fair, Scar was selling them but it was Stress who was making them. Bdubs could ask Stress why she was making them.
No, no, that would be way to awkward. He feared the disappointed stare of StressMonster if he showed up at her doorstep and started asking all the questions that stirred in his mind.
He couldn't ask Stress and Scar wasn't being helpful...so what? He could still get to the bottom of this. He was Bdubs, superstar builder and redstone mastermind. He could figure out anything.
He laid on his bed on his a stomach, a pillow under his elbows to support him. From the pocket of his mossy cloak he produced his communicator. He clicked on the search engine button....then stared at the screen for a minute. What was the word that Scar used...age regressors? He wondered if the internet had any answers to this dilemma.
Yes...yes the internet did have answers...many answers.
Bdubs kept reading the article, over and over and over. Everything he read it, something buzzed in his chest.
"Age Regression is this either voluntary or involuntary feeling of reverting to a younger age mentally and/or emotionally. Often times this method is used as a coping mechanism for those who have suffered from traumatic life events."
Bdubs curiously was so piqued at the moment, which made him feel odd. What was it about this that drew him so much?
Better question, was this what his fellow hermits were doing in their free time? Coloring in coloring books and playing with stuffed animals? Watching children's cartoons and eating box Mac and cheese?
His thumb hovered over the word "coping mechanism." Bdubs was reminded about some of the things he's seen his fellow hermits endure...and the things he himself had enured.
"Yeah, it's odd," Bdubs whispered to himself. "But if acting like a child is what helps them-" he lightly tossed his communicator on a pillow next to him. "-so be it."
Even without looking out the window Bdubs could tell it was late. His internal clock was always right. Without bothering to change into his pajamas, he pulled the covers over himself and drifted off to sleep. Out like a light.
Bdubs woke the next morning, later than he usually got up, but only by 10 minutes or so. He stood up from his bed and stretched, momentarily confused by the feeling of his cloak, then reminded that he just went to sleep as is.
He felt a bit groggy, which was unusual for him. He was used to waking up refreshed. He used his fist to rub the sleep out of his eye.
His arms felt heavy, his head felt heavy, his clothes flet heavy too, somehow. At this moment in time, he wished he didn't put so many stairs in his house.
Today was going to be a long day.
Bdubs was able to push through the tiredness and get a start on his day. He had buildings to work on, he didn't have time to be tired. Bdubs had barely done anything with his mega-base yesterday, progress had to get done today!
Bdubs had used his Elytra to fly up on top of the Trree of Whimsy. He stood back and took a long look at the frame of his build.
...something was off.
But what?
He was happy with it yesterday! Why did it seem off now? What was making this look so odd to him?
He could feel the prickle of nerves in his fingertips. His breathing was quick and shallow.
Even after Bdubs had picked up shulker box and stepped forward to fly to his build...something was pulling him back.
He couldn't do it. He couldn't work on his build!
But why??????
Bdubs hopped down off the tree. He stood for a moment, feeling the loamy ground beneath him. His face scrunched, then he stomped the toe of his boot into the grass, kicking up dirt as he did so.
He grimaced at his own actions. How childish of him, how immature to kick and whine when things weren't going his way.
"Is this age regression?" A voice said in the back of his mind. He shook his head. No, no it couldn't be, he didn't feel mentally younger he just felt....childish.
Maybe it was regression. Bdubs only read one article, there could be more to this than just "feeling like you're younger than you actually are."
He looked up at his base, once again feeling disgusted by its off putting aura. Then, he looked back down at his feet.
It wasn't like he was going to get anything accomplished today....
Did Bdubs see a light green pacifier being sold at Scar's co-op?
Bdubs abruptly shook his head. "Dude snap out of it!!!!" He cannot be actually thinking about purchasing one of those things! He's an adult man, a full grown man!
"other adults on the server seem to use them."
Bdubs grabbed a fistful of his hair and tugged. "Enough enough enough!!!" He mumbled to himself.
It was a battle with his sub conscious and his right mind. A battle Bdubs wasn't sure he could win.
"You already have those ghibli coloring books Etho gave you as a birthday present."
"You kept the pack of crayon that came with it, they're in the chest next to your bed."
"Scarland sells stuffed animals."
"What about a horse plushie?"
Both of Bdubs' hands were now in his hair, yanking. Which, wasn't really accomplishing anything. It's not like pulling on his hair would extract the intrusive thoughts. He just didn't know what else to do.
Eventually, he got so light-headed that his hands loosened themselves from his hair. Bdubs' hands now found solace in hems of his cloak. He could feel each individual stich against the tips of his fingers. This was enough of a distraction, for now.
Bdubs took in one big breath through his nose, letting it out through his mouth. A couple more breaths like this and his vision became clear, and a new warmth pulsed in his chest.
The storm was over.
This was not a new feeling for Bdubs. He was used to bad memories popping up out of no where, or unpleasant images of things he didn't want to think about. Anytime that happened, he would squirm under the uncomfortable feeling for a minute, tire himself out, then come back to earth.
Bdubs was aware it wasn't the best method for helping these bouts of intrusive thoughts, but it was the best he could do. It's not like there's anything he can do when he feels his head starts to spin. There's no way for him to cope!
...Except, now there is. And all he needs is a box of crayons and a glass of apple juice.
"Would it hurt to look at Stress' display in the co-op again?" Bdubs thought. He rubbed his face and his gaze shifted to the stone mock-up of what would eventually be the Scarland castle.
Without another word or another thought, Bdubs lit a rocket and glided his way down the the shopping square of Scarland.
He landed smoothly on the brick ground, right infront of the co-op. He stared at the window of the shop, doubts swimming in his head. Bdubs pushed them out, and marched forward to the door.
Once in the store, he peered around the aisle and made sure the store was empty. Maybe Bdubs was coming to terms with....this. But, he was in no position to explain to anyone why he was here and what he was buying, not yet at least.
Once the coast was clear, Bdubs made his way to the display.
They were still there.
Pacifiers that came in all colors and many different shapes l. Some had little charms attached to him, others had letter beads that spelt out things like "Honey" or "Little one."
Bdubs would have to let Stress know that he was impressed with how well these were made. It would be an awkward conversation, but he was willing to make that sacrifice if it meant expressing his gratitude to his friend.
He picked up the green one that he saw the day before. It was in a clear box, protected, but you could still see it.
Right next to this display was also hand made stuffed animals, courtesy of GeminiTay. Bdubs picked up a horse stuffed animal, it was black with light flecks of gray in its coat. He smiled as it reminded him a bit of his own horse, MI Amore.
He purcased this horse for 2 dimaonds.
His attention turned back to the shelf of pacifiers. He would have looked more throughly at his options, if he didn't hear he sound of rockets coming from outside. He had to move, quick.
He dropped a diamond into the chest below the display, pocketed the pacifier, then made a run for it out of the shop. He mde sure to hold on tight to his new horse friend, fearing he may drop him in his paniced get away.
Once outside, he immediately kicked himself off the ground and used his Elytra to soar into the air. All he could think about was getting home.
The flight home felt unbearably long, despite how close Scarland was to his Monolith. He landed at the window that was just one rook above his bedroom. Thoughtlessly, he scrambled down the stairs to where his bedroom was.
He was safe now. No one would find him here, right?
"Jesus," Bdubs mumbled to himself. "I'm acting like I'm smuggling drugs or something."
He looked down at the face of the horse stuffie, staring deep in to the little black beady eyes. Somehow, it was surprisingly comforting to have this horse in his arms. The fluffy texture, the little ears, mane, and tail. Bdubs swore he could smell lilacs as well, kudos to Gem.
He hugged the horse, letting the fuzzy, wooly texture rub up against his face. "Piccolo Amore...your name is Piccolo Amore," Bdubs sighed happily. It meant little love in Italian.
Finally, Bdubs' thoughts were slowing down. Finally he could feel the pulse in his head fade away.
He remembered the box of crayons and coloring book, both of which were in he chest closest to his bed. He put Piccolo under his arm so he could open th chest and rummage around for aforementioned items.
His fingers grazed along the spine of a glossy book cover. bingo!
Sure enough, he found the Studio Ghibli coloring book. Right next to it was a box of 96 crayons. Was it an excessive amount of crayons? Maybe, but Bdubs never wanted to be without color options. Color was very important to him.
He flipped through the pages of his book, realizing he had never actually colored any of these pages. Bdubs winced a little, feeling bad that he had neglected a gift. A gift from Etho.
"It's getting put to use now," Bdubs announced outloud.
Bdubs sat criss crossed on the floor. First he set Piccolo in his lap, then he set the coloring book infront of him, then laid the crayon box on its side for easy access. He flipped open to a random page and was met with an uncolored drawing of Calcifer from Howls Moving castle.
Bdubs reached from the crayons, he grabbed one red, one orange, and one yellow crayon. He was about to start coloring, but he felt the weight of something shift in his pocket.
The pacifer.
Bdubs pulled it out of his pocket, then carefully took it out of its protective case.
He was holding the real thing in his hand.
He used his thumb to play with the ring. It moved up and down, satisfying, oddly enough.
He looked at the nub on the back. It had a gummy texture to it, not exactly rubber but not hard plastic either. Squishy in a way that would be easy to chew on.
He opened his mouth, hesitant to actually go through with this.
He set he nub on his tongue.
His teeth rested on the plastic.
His lips curled around it.
Bdubs had no way of knowing how he looked right now, probably utterly stupid. But somehow, that didn't matter right now.
The gummy feeling in his mouth was...weird? Soothing? A mixture of both?
The tension in his chest subsided, and he was now more at ease. His fingers gripped around the crayon...a smile began to form on his face.
He took the color book into his lap, making it so Piccolo's head was resting on the spine of the book. Bdubs would then use his red crayon to color the center portion of the fire demon.
His smile grew bigger.
Hey, this was actually kind of fun!
Without realizing it, Bdubs began to hum a song. It wasn't any particular song, but the vibration in his chest added to this new comforting feeling.
His head swayed to his own song, and occasionally he would bounce his knee to - inaccurately - simulate the action of a kick drum.
He surprised himself when he was finished coloring with the red. Time sure flies when you're not using a lot of brain power. Time for a new color!
An hour had to have past, and Bdub was still happily coloring away. Not a single care in the world. He moved on to a new page, now coloring in 3 different Totoros in their respective colors. He was working on the middle sized one with a dark blue crayon.
Then, all of a sudden-
"Bdubs?!?" A voice called from the room above. Footsteps then began to make their down the stairs, leading into his room.
Bdubs didn't have time to scramble, he didn't have time to hide all his stuff in the chest before the face of ZombieCleo was peering into his bedroom.
"Bdubs, we've been looking for you all day! Impulse was worried sick when he went to Moss O' Menos and didn't see-" Cleo cut herself off when she saw state of her friend before her. She covered her mouth to prevent themself from laughing.
Bdubs let the pacifier fall out of his mouth. Quickly and urgently he stood up and ran over to Cleo.
"THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE I SWEAR!"
"Bdubs-" Cleo tried to speak between giggles, but was interupted when Bdubs started flailing his arms around them.
"CLEO I SWEAR TO EVERY GOD THAT EVER WAS IF YOU GO AROUND TELLIN' PEOPLE ABOUT THIS-"
"Bdubs-"
"YOU CAN'T TELL ANYONE ABOU THIS, PLEASE CLEO I'M SERIOUS I'M-"
"Bdubs!"
"WHAT???"
Cleo placed a gentle hand on Bdubs' shoulder. "I'm not going to tell anyone. I would never dream of telling anyone, ok?"
Bdubs opend his mouth to say something, but none of the things he wanted to say would come out. All he could do was stare slackjaw at his friend.
"Bdubs?" Cleo squeezed his shoulder to get his attention. "How old are you right now?" She asked with the voice of someone who has done this many a time before.
He was silent for a long time, longer than he should have been. Then, he looked up at Cleo with watery eyes.
"That's the thing," Bdubs began with a sigh. "I don't feel like I'm a different age...and...that's why I was scared to talk to anyone about this. I'm not mentally younger, I'm a weird adult..."
"Oh, you're dreaming, darling," Cleo reassured with a smile.
"No I'm not, I'm wide awake. Out of everyone on this server I know the mot about dream and sleep and-"
"No, no, not literally dreaming, age dreaming. Here, come sit with me on the bed." Cleo led Bdubs over to his bed and sat on the edge, a comforting arm wrapped around his middle. "I take it you learned about age regression somehow, correct?"
Bdubs shyly nodded.
"Well, regression isn't the only way people cope. See, like you, some people don't literally feel emotionally or mentally younger, but they still partake in the actions of age regression as a way of coping." She bent down and picked Piccolo up off the floor. "Like playing with stuffed animals, or watching cartoons." She offered the stuffed horse over to Bdubs. "Am I making any sense, love?"
It clicked...
Every puzzle piece fit into place...
...Bdubs took Piccolo from Cleo and sat it in his lap.
Cleo could sense the gears settling into place into Bdubs' head. They smiled, giving an affectionate rub to his shoulder. "Feeling better?"
Bdubs nodded again.
"You know who would really like to see you, right now?" Cleo asked.
"Hm?"
"Impulse," Cleo stated simply. "I think he would be all over you right now, he's the type of caregiver who spoils his littles rotten."
Bdubs looked up at Cleo with knit brows. "...caregiver?"
"A caregiver is another adult who plays the parental role, and, well, gives care," Cleo explained. "Like with Gem, when Gem slips in to her regression space, she needs someone to look after her, make her food, pick out her clothes, play with her, stuff like that."
Another gear fit into place in Bdubs' head.
"That's what Impulse meant when he said Gem had slipped and was acting fussy??"
"Well I wasn't there to witness that, but, probably," Cleo laughed. "She regresses to around 2 years old, which is...an active age, to say the least."
The room went quite for a moment. But Bdubs had more questions, and he wasn't going to let his mind stop him anymore.
"Are you a caregiver?" Bdubs asked suddenly.
"As a matter of fact, I am. I take care of X and Joe most of the time, and boy are they're a handful."
Bdubs nods, though he's surprised. He never thought that Xisuma and Joe Hills would be doing stuff like this. He wasn't judging at all, in fact he was a bit jealous that they had Cleo to take care of them.
"You know what Impulse told me recently?" Cleo asked rhetorically. "He said he was thinking about caring for another kiddo apart from Gem. You should talk to him about that."
"Does it matter if I'm age dreaming and not age regressing?"
"Oh God no, Impulse will take care of anyone. Even people who aren't regressors at all, if someone's having a bd day, he's there for them."
Bdubs nursed the idea in his head. The thought of having Impulse care for him...playing with him...watch cartoons with him...a fuzzy feeling bloomed in his chest.
"You think about that, ok? No pressure of course." Cleo stood up from the bed and made her way closer to the staircase. "I think it would be best If I let the rest of the server know that you're alive and doing well."
Bdubs almost wanted to protest them leaving...he knew better though. He knew that Cleo couldn't spend all her time answering all his questions.
"Bye Cleo," He said with a small wave.
Cleo already had her Elytra on and was half way up the stairs. They turned and waved to Bdubs, a big smile on her face.
Bdubs heard the sound of rockets finally go off. Cleo was gone, and Bdubs was alon again.
There was a pit in his stomach.
...a pit that he didn't have to suffer with anymore.
Bdubs reached over and grabbed his communicator from his nightstand. He clicked on Impulse's contact information.
Bdubs: Hey impulse
Bdubs: next time ur online
Bdubs: I wanna talk to you about smth.