Chapter Text
“Himeko, are you sure you will be alright without us?”
Himeko laughed “March, there is no need to be worried, this isn't the first time I have stayed alone on the express”
March pouted “I know that, but that doesn't mean you won't get lonely”
“I promise I won't, you will only be out for a few days, and you know I can message you if anything were to happen” she approached the girl, cradling her face in her hands.
“Okay, I hold you to that then”
They exchanged smiles before Himeko let her go, instructing her to return to the parlor car to reunite with everyone.
Moments after March left, Welt appeared by her door.
“Is Miss March alright?”
She nodded “She is feeling a bit on edge by everyone leaving me on the express, though she is usually away, the fact I tend to have company, whether it’s you or Pompom, doesn't allow her to worry, but now that even the conductor will be away, she is feeling this way”
Welt hummed “I see. Is there anything you need?”
“I don't think so but if anything comes to mind I will text you”
He nodded, and although now it would be a good time to leave, he stalled.
He stared at her, opening and closing his mouth as if he were to say something but choosing against it in the end.
Such a display didn't go unnoticed by Himeko, but when she intended to question him, a voice was heard through the speakers.
“Attention, the remaining passengers of the express who aren't yet on the parlor car, please make your way there, I repeat, remaining pass….”
Hearing the conductor's announcement, Welt and Himeko abandoned the navigator's room to head towards the designed wagon.
Once everyone had left and only she remained, Himeko couldn't help but think about the odd exchange she had with Welt, not only that, but just before they left it seemed to her like he was purposely avoiding her.
If they didn't have to leave she would have tried to talk to the man but alas she will be left with the uncertainty of what was happening to him, till he came back.
It had been years since she had been left alone on the express but Himeko didn't mind the loneliness since she was happy that the crew could leave and have fun, especially Pompom who rarely left the express.
She had plenty of occasions to leave in the past, and as such, it was fair their conductor also got the chance to enjoy themselves.
Besides, it is not like she would be sitting in her room without anything to do, so at least, she would be entertained with taking care of different tasks. To top it all, March said she would send her periodical pictures of their activities, which would add an extra quota of fun to her days.
And it was in one of those moments, where she was taking a break to admire the pictures when something strange happened inside the express.
The lights in her room began twitching, going off and on for a few seconds before they finally turned off, submerging her in total darkness.
Although blackouts didn't happen often, it wasn't strange for the power to go out from time to time, and when that happened, it tended to mean there was something wrong with the generator.
Most times fixing the problem was rather easy, the thing that made it difficult was to have to work in the dark but Himeko had experience dealing with those issues so it wouldn't be a problem for her.
Grabbing a flashlight, the navigator made her way towards the room where the generator was located.
Upon reaching the place, she inspected the generator, and to her relief, it seemed like the problem was just that the switch had gone off on its own, which tended to happen when the generator overheated.
Flipping the switch, the lights turned on once again. Just to make sure the problem was indeed resolved, Himeko stayed for a while to see if the generator continued working as it should.
When she saw everything seemed to be okay, she returned to her room but when she crossed her door, what she saw inside made her drop her flashlight to the floor.
The sound it made when hitting the ground, let her know it had broken but Himeko could care less about her flashlight when all she could focus on was…
“Did I scare you?”
Himeko hated how a shiver ran down her spine upon hearing that voice after so long.
There was much she could do and say but first and foremost, she needed to figure out why the fuck was Kafka there?
“You look like you have seen a ghost” she grinned, taking a step closer to her but upon seeing Himeko backing off, she stopped and instead, she reached for her pocket to pull out an envelope.
“I know you want to know why I am here, this…” she lifted the envelope “will give you the answers you seek but you need to allow me to hand it to you”
To say Himeko was skeptical would be an understatement, but Kafka seemed confident that whatever was inside that envelope would be of vital importance to her, so although she just wished to be away from the woman, she had no other choice but to get close.
Grabbing the envelope from her hand, Himeko wasted no time on opening it, finding a letter on the inside, and as she began reading its contents, it didn't take long for her eyes to widen and for her breath to get caught in her throat.
What caused such a reaction wasn't what she had read in the first few lines but rather, figuring out who had written the letter.
It was Welt, she was sure of it. She could recognize his handwriting, and the more she read, the more it became evident it was truly him.
In his letter, he detailed what he had done, the thoughts that pushed him to reach out to Kafka, and how the woman had ended up boarding the express.
A storm of emotions swirled within Himeko, she felt angry, disappointed, sad, but also, guilty.
She disapproved of Welt's actions but she knew he had only done what he did because he was worried for her.
She was so submerged in her own head that she had failed to notice the impression she had given to her dear friend, and although she didn't think her reluctance to speak to him would lead him to take such a drastic measure, she had perhaps undermined Welt’s determination to fix something he hadn't damaged.
Folding the latter, she put it back inside the envelope and without exchanging any words with Kafka nor sparing a second glance at her, Himeko walked up to one of the cabinets in her room from where she pulled out what looked like an alcoholic beverage.
She grabbed a glass, filling it to the brim. She gulped down its contents in a swift motion, wincing when she felt the burn in her throat.
The want to pour herself another glass was strong but if she was going to do…whatever it was she was thinking of, she needed to be as sober as possible.
“Reading what Welt wrote I wish I could blame you for having used your spirit whisper, but as much as it pains me to admit it, I know he acted out of his free will”
“What makes you so sure I didn't?”
Himeko scoffed, shaking her head before facing the woman “Did you?”
She didn't answer but regardless of what she said, she knew Kafka didn't have anything to do with this.
The woman had plenty of time and opportunities to make a move if she had wanted to before but that hadn't been the case, and as it turned out, the only time she reached out to her was because of Welt's intervention.
For whatever reason it was, Kafka had honored her request, and Himeko had the hunch that if it weren't for Welt she would have continued keeping her distance.
“I can't ever have peace when it comes to you can I?”
Kafka continued silent which was odd when it came to her since it always seemed like she had a witty remark to be said regardless of the situation, and as much as that got on Himeko's nerves, at the moment, she would have preferred her to say something.
“If you only came here to hand me that letter and stare at me, you shouldn't have come at all”
Kafka took a deep breath “I can leave if that is what you want”
Himeko hysterically chuckled, running her hands through her hair “You are impossible you know that, you and Welt took so many liberties to bring you here, disregarding my feelings, for you to now pretend you give a damn about what I want?”
“You know I'm not pretending, time and time again I have shown you I respect your wishes”
“And yet you can't leave me alone,” Himeko spat, feeling angry with Kafka, Welt, and herself.
“You always come back“ She took a step closer to Kafka “Time and time again you have appeared, not caring about the indifference I showed you” She took another one “speaking of me having a choice” and another. “Just to end up doing whatever you want”
“I'm so tired Kafka, tired of this back and forth, tired of thinking of you” Himeko continued moving forward till she ended up standing in front of her.
“Why won't you leave my mind?” she pushed an accusing finger into her chest “Why did you have to crawl into my skin” she pushed again “My heart”
Losing all her fight, she rested her hand atop Kafka's heart “Why?”
She tried not to think of the heartbeat under her hand, but how could she not? If it was the proof that she was there with her, taunting her.
“Say something,” Himeko urged her, tired of her unresponsiveness.
“I don't think anything I say will provide you the tranquility you seek”
Himeko shook her head in disbelief, moving her hand away but she didn't manage to get far since Kafka put her hand atop hers, forcing her to press it against her chest again.
Not being able to put distance between them, Himeko was forced to stay where she was. She knew she could pull her hand away if she wanted but she couldn't find the strength to do so, so she just glared at the woman, expectant over what her next move would be.
Instead of using her words, Kafka leaned into her, bringing their faces closer. She almost stopped her advances once she felt Himeko tensing but she didn't let that persuade her, only stopping when her mouth was a breath away from hers.
“Tell me to back off and I will”
Himeko pressed her eyes shut, shuddering at the warmness of her breath hitting against her skin.
“Please Kafka” She couldn't care less if her plea sounded desperate.
“Tell me” she pushed, brushing their noses against each other.
Himeko felt her walls crumbling, her resolve was faltering, and at that moment, she realized there was nothing she could do.
“I can't”
“I know” Kafka whispered before closing the remaining distance between them.
When their lips connected, it was as if the last piece to complete a puzzle had been fitted. It felt right like it was meant to be from the beginning.
Despite having kissed only once, it couldn't be denied that the kiss had left quite an indelible mark on them, as It had signified a breaking point for something that had been stirring since their encounter back at the cabin in Belobog.
It was too much, this was too much. Having a moment of clarity in the middle of the kiss, Himeko recognized the moment was being too tender, too felt, and as to perhaps maintain some sort of distance before things changed forever, she had half a mind to attempt turning this into a more carnal, raw exchange.
Something merely driven by desire and lust rather than what she deep down knew was her heart's wants.
But no matter how much she tried to change the pace, Kafka was always there to stop her. She wasn't as needy and forceful, maintaining her gentleness when kissing her. When guiding her backward till the back of her knees met her bed.
When laying her down. When getting on top of her. When undressing her, kissing the expenses of skin she uncovered.
Kafka wasn't intending to fuck her, but make love to her, a notion that enraged her so.
The woman made it her mission to worship her, whispering sweet nothings to her, holding her close, and loving her in ways that made her body tremble.
Himeko's senses were invaded by Kafka. Her name became the only thing she could muster between moans and pants.
But even if she was losing herself in the throes of pleasure, she was still holding back, something Kafka could tell.
“Relax and let go” she whispered, nibbling on her ear.
That gesture, coupled with those words gave Himeko the final push to do as instructed.
She threw her head back as her body began shaking. She could tell Kafka was saying something but she wasn't able to make any words, too lost in the sensations coursing through her body.
Only when the shaking stopped was she able to make sense of the world around her again and while she felt spent, now that she came down from her high, the emotions she had been blocking resurfaced, making her pounce on the woman.
While Kafka had been careful and sweet Himeko was rough, biting, sucking, and scratching at any expense of skin she could get a hold of.
It was as if she were trying to tear Kafka apart while keeping her whole, and despite her intensity, Kafka never complained.
Eventually, Himeko's restless heart appeased and she was capable of showing her more tenderness and care, till she also made her succumb to the throes of pleasure.
Hours later, they lay facing each other.
Now that the moment had passed and Himeko was finally able to get a good look at Kafka's, she began feeling guilty.
“Why the long face? you didn't seem so troubled when you were marking me before”
“I know but…” she reached to Kafka's collarbone which had quite the nasty bite mark on it.
“If you were hurting me more than I wanted you to I would have stopped you, besides, I could tell you needed this”
Himeko hummed as she began to lightly trace the bite mark. She avoided looking at Kafka but she could tell the woman had her eyes on her.
“What are you feeling?” Kafka inquired.
“I don't know” She pulled her hand away, finally meeting her gaze.
“I feel conflicted, I'm still dwelling on Welt's choices, and then there is this” she gestured vaguely between them.
Kafka hummed “I'm afraid I can't speak on what you feel regarding Welt, that is something you will discuss with him when the time comes, but we can talk about this”
“Do you regret what happened?”
Himeko sighed “I regret allowing us to get this far knowing it won't lead anywhere but at the same time, I can't lie to myself and say I didn't want this because I did”
“I have been doomed for quite a while, and my biggest mistake was kissing you after that mission. till then I was somehow able to ignore what I knew had begun stirring within me but by allowing my feelings to get the best of me, I unknowingly sealed my fate”
If only she had been able to control herself better, she wouldn't have to be in such a predicament.
“I convinced myself that if I ignored what had happened, if I didn't talk about you, I could just forget and move on but it was already too late. You had already stuck to my heart like a thorn”
Kafka sadly chucked “Does it torment you that much to feel for me?”
“Of course it does” she stood up, throwing on a robe “You are…you Kafka, I don't need to remind you how unethical it is to be involved with the likes of you”
“The likes of me” she shook her head in disbelief “Do you mean the same likes you just fucked?”
Himeko looked away “That is different”
“Is it? You always speak of how wrong this all is, and yet, you developed feelings for me, you kissed me and you had me on your bed”
Himeko opened and closed her mouth, finding herself at a loss of words.
“Of course, you can't say anything. You know what Himeko, I think you have the otherwise sick necessity of punishing yourself by constantly bringing up the fact you shouldn't have any sort of link with me”
“I never asked you to pretend I'm a goody two shoes, nor have I ever tried to coerce you into joining my side. By definition, I know I'm not one of the good guys but us, whatever that is, has nothing to do with our roles”
Just like Himeko, she also got up from the bed but unlike her, she didn't bother to cover herself and slowly so, she started picking up her clothes from the ground.
“What are you doing?”
“Isn't it obvious, I'm going to get dressed, or do you expect me to leave naked?”
Himeko frowned “Are you leaving?”
“Yes, it's clear to me I have overstayed and as to save you further stress, I will take my leave now”
Kafka continued picking her clothes and began dressing while Himeko just stood there, watching her but when she was about to put on her shirt, the navigator was able to snap out of her stupor.
“Wait”
Kafka stopped when her sleeves were halfway up “What now?”
“You…” Himeko needed to think of something fast, as she had spoken on an impulse “You are bleeding, there are some deep scratches on your back”
“I don't doubt it, you did quite the number on my body but they don't bother me”
“But they bother me, at least allow me to clean them and patch them up, is the least I can do”
Himeko waited for Kafka to make a choice, sighing in relief when she saw her removing her shirt.
Leaving the room, Himeko went in search of a medical kit. When she returned, she instructed Kafka to sit on the edge of the bed while she positioned herself behind her.
As she began tending to her wounds, Himeko took the opportunity to rearrange her thoughts.
“What do you want from me, Kafka?”
She took a deep breath “Whatever it's you are willing to give me”
“I don't know what I can give, my feelings can't be denied but I don't know if I would ever be able to love you to the fullest”
“Though you said us was different, who we are will always be intertwined with what we could be, and I can't just overlook that”
Now that she was more calm, Himeko was able to express herself more kindly.
“But I don't know if I can just go on as we are, a part of me wants to keep you away but another doesn't want to let you go, so by all means, I would say I'm lost on what to do”
Kafka hummed “What about this. Would you want me to give you space, allowing you to reach out if you ever feel like it, or would you like me to be the one to reach out and you can see how we go from there”
Himeko considered both options, with her lack of certainty at the moment, the fact Kafka was able to give her a choice lifted a weight off her shoulders.
Not wanting to rush, Himeko finished taking care of Kafka's wounds before offering her an answer.
“I think that what I need now is for you to reach out, allowing me to decide on my own. I don't think I'm in the right headspace to come to you yet, so you will have to come to me”
She carefully rested her chin on her shoulder “But you will have to know I won't always be so receptive, would you be prepared for something like that?”
“You underestimate me if you believe that will somehow persuade me. By now you should be able to tell I'm quite stubborn”
Himeko rolled her eyes before briefly kissing her shoulder “Alright I will hold you to that. I'm done cleaning your wounds and patching them”
“Thank you”
Himeko began putting everything she had used back on the medical kit, while Kafka stood up intending to finish dressing.
“Why don't you stay?” Kafka glanced at her over her shoulder.
“Is that what you want?”
“I-” she cleared her throat “Yes it's what I want”
Kafka grinned “I will stay then, do you have any sleepwear I could borrow?”
Wanting her to be comfortable Himeko gave Kafka a shirt and a pair of shorts while she opted for wearing just a shirt. Luckily, they were of similar sizes so her clothes fit her perfectly.
Kafka was the first one to get into the bed, lying on her side. She stared at her, expecting her to join her but for some reason, Himeko found herself rooted in place.
She was feeling oddly awkward and slightly nervous, two feelings that made no sense considering what had happened before, so she just shook her head, trying to get rid of those feelings before getting into bed too.
Kafka made no attempts to draw near, nor did she pull her close, allowing her to keep the distance she felt comfortable with, but after a while of laying on her back, staring at the ceiling without being able to close her eyes, Himeko just moved towards her, briefly glancing at her in a silent question to which she just nodded.
With her agreement, Himeko laid on her side, and soon after, she felt Kafka draping her arm over her waist, pressing her front against her back.
Perhaps, when Himeko wakes tomorrow, she will regret allowing Kafka to stay and hold her but right now, as her eyes started closing, she could only think about the warmth and comfort provided by the woman's presence.