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“Thank god for bullet proof vests, this could’ve been a lot worse.” TK couldn’t agree with Nancy’s statement more as she checked over Carlos. He stood slightly to the side of the ambulance, doing his own subtle look over of Carlos’s condition as he sat on the edge of the rig, uniform shirt unbuttoned so Nancy could work. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen Carlos on a scene since their break up a month ago but it was the first time he’d had to be so close to him. TK had felt an unmatched panic in his chest when they’d arrived on scene to an officer being fired upon and seen it was Carlos hunched over with a hand pressed against his chest. Thank god for bullet proof vests; the blossoming bruise across his left ribs wasn’t pretty, a purplish colour already starting to appear across his soft golden skin. TK had let Nancy take the lead when assessing Carlos, whether it be so he didn’t have to get to close to Carlos or so that he didn’t let him see how his hands shook from the fear he felt when he arrived. He wanted nothing more then to wrap himself around Carlos, take the pain and protect him, but he’d lost that right; now all he could do is stand to the side, observe and try to regain control of his breathing. He’d seen Carlos glance his way at least once, but TK avoided any eye contact and tried not to imagine Carlo’s eyes on him, he didn’t think he’d be able to withhold from caving in.
It helped calm him that Nancy had said he was okay, just bruised. His breathlessness felt eased slightly but still persisted, whether that was from the all clear Carlos was given or the sight of his bare chest and golden skin, TK wasn’t sure. TK vaguely was aware of another police car pulling up on the scene but didn’t pay much attention to it, the officer he cared about was sat where he could see him.
“Carlos?!” The new voice is what got TK’s attention, looking over to see an officer exiting the car that had just arrived. He was just a bit shorter then Carlos, not as well built but clearly took care of himself; he had sandy blonde hair that was gelled down off to the side. TK could see he was attractive from this distance away. The officer jogged over the the rig and stopped in front of Carlos, TK could see the familiarity in his eyes as they raked over Carlos seemingly looking for word injury then the clear bruising. Nancy moved aside to allow the man closer. TK wasn’t overly keen on this, something deep within him was curling up seeing how this officer looked at Carlos.
“Geez Reyes, leave you for half a shift and you take a bullet to the chest. Could’ve just said you missed me, I’m flatttered.” The man joked, the corners of his mouth turning upwards when Carlos made a short snort of laughter.
“Was very much enjoying the peace and quiet, I’ll have you know.” Carlos sat straighter on the side of the rig, stretching his back out. TK watched as the muscles in his shoulder and bicep flexed, vaguely noticing that the nameless attractive officer was doing the same. Carlos flinched slightly when he moved too far, a hand coming to rest on the bruise.
“Well you’ll be stuck with me from now on, now come on, our shift’s finally done. Let’s get back to the station then I’ll drive you home. If he’s all clear to leave, medically?” He directed the last of his words over to TK and Nancy, with Nancy’s nod of approval he smiled at her politely. TK wanted to keep Carlos by his side, for professional observation obviously, but just kept his face neutral as Carlos stood up carefully.
“I’m fine, I can drive.”
“Lift your arm for 30 seconds,” the man patted the shoulder on Carlos’s bruised side, his eyebrows lifting knowingly when Carlos attempted and then dropped it down with a hand coming back to the bruise, “Thought so, I’m driving. Besides, you never let me drive your car, now I finally get to take it for a spin.” He patted Carlos gently on his uninjured side with a smirk on his face, something which TK noticed and couldn’t pin point exactly why he disliked.
“C’mon Reyes, can grab some beers on the way to yours, see if they chill you out.” He began walking back towards his car, Carlos hanging back for a second.
“Thank you for the help Nance.” He spoke kindly in Nancy’s direction, accepting the small hug she gave him, then nodded in TK’s direction somewhat awkwardly before following the other. TK felt his heart beating harder in his chest as Carlos walked away from him, his movements stiff from pain. From behind he could make out Carlos slowly beginning to button his shirt back up from the bottom, but as he reached the car, TK faintly heard the other officer speaking again, “Don’t have to cover up on my account, no choir boys here.” There was a joking edge to his voice but TK wasn’t sure how far the joke extended. He felt a numbness come across him as he watched Carlos climb in the car and close the door, it driving off moments later. TK felt like his heart was leaving in that car. He didn’t much acknowledge Nancy or Tommy, who’d finished up on the suspect somewhere else on the scene and returned to the rig, he just sat and wallowed in the back of the ambulance as it drove. Not for the first time, he regretted his choices a month ago, but something about that officer made Carlos feel so much further away then TK wanted.
——
TK was bored; his dad had convinced him to accompany him on some errands on his day off. It was more likely his dad was worried about how little TK was leaving the house, bar going for a shift, since his and Carlos’s break up. TK just didn’t want to go out and face reality, in the house he could at least a little bit, for a time, forget that his relationship had imploded. But seeing his room, the one he and Carlos had shared following the fire, with gaps in it brought it all back; Carlos had moved all of his stuff out 3 days after the break up and the room seemed so bare with only TK’s things in. TK had made sure he was not in the house while Carlos collected his things, he couldn’t stomach watching him leave, even if it was a decision he’d made for them both.
Owen was in his own world, pottering around the store looking at who knows what, TK wasn’t paying much attention to him; just answering the generic questions that he registered in his ears past the muffled sound of himself zoning out. Watching out of the stores front window, he just stared at the cars passing by, people strolling the streets. A coffee shop sat opposite and people were convening in the seating area and on the street in front. All going on with their own lives, while TK felt stuck. The door to the shop opened and TK didn’t pay it much attention until his mind caught up and he vaguely recognised the man stood holding the door with one hand, a coffee and clutched in the other. It was the same officer from the scene with Carlos days prior, the blonde who’d driven away with his injured boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend, TK kept reiterating it to himself. The man was in casual clothes, a simple faded blue T-shirt under a black denim jacket with black jeans and white trainers. TK could admit, the man was attractive, but he couldn’t hold a candle to Carlos.
Carlos. The man emerged from the door, swapping the blondes hand for his own on the door as he held it open for a mother and her two children to enter. He too held a coffee and was listening to whatever the other police officer was saying to him.
He looked so good, TK thought, a dark red button down stretched across his broad chest and strong shoulders, the sleeves hanging on for dear life around his arms before they cut off where they’d been rolled up to his elbows. His hair had gotten longer, TK noticed that when he was sat on the ambulance the other day, but now with the curls loose it was clearer to see. He looked really good, and it made TK’s insides feel tense.
Carlos’s face broke into a smile at the other man as they were walking down the street, replying to a conversation TK wished he knew the topic of. They walked side by side, not touching, down the street until they got to the Camaro. TK cursed at himself for not noticing the car there already, he may have known to avoid staring out the window if he knew there was a chance Carlos was around. The blonde walked around the car to sit in TK’s seat… sit in the passengers seat as Carlos climbed into the car. He watched as the two drove away to who knows where, not registering his dad coming up behind him until a hand dropped onto his shoulder.
“Are you okay? You zoned out or something.”
“Yeah… yeah, dad, I’m good. Just people watching.”
“Anything interesting?” Owen laughed slightly, glancing out onto the street.
“Did you find what you wanted?” TK just wanted the subject changed.
——
His dad was leaving. Giving up and leaving to the hills. TK couldn’t believe his father was just dropping everything and moving to the hills, just him and Buttercup. It hurt. It’d been 2 months since his break up with Carlos, he still hadn’t wrapped his mind around that and now he’d be without his father too.
TK didn’t know how he was really feeling, didn’t know how things would go from here. Sure, he’d still have Mateo living in the house with him, but not having either his father or Carlos felt like falling with no net below him. It might explain how he found himself here, stood outside the building he’d fell in love with, trying to work up the courage to go to the door of the loft he’d ran away from, the man he’d run from. His heart felt like it was going to hammer out of his chest, but also that it was going to stop at the same time.
‘I need to see Carlos.’
‘I can’t just turn up after this long.’
‘I feel safe with Carlos.’
‘I’m scared he’ll turn me away.’
TK’s mind was at war with itself, keeping him stuck on the sidewalk. He must look odd to passers by, just stood outside the building, taking slow steps towards it and then taking a step back.
He could do this. He knew Carlos; no matter what he’d done, Carlos wouldn’t my turn him away if he needed someone. Before they’d started their official relationship, lying across the Camaro on that perfect night, Carlos had been a rock for TK to vent to and unwind with; he’d helped him and been so supportive. It was who Carlos was as a person, he wouldn’t turn TK away if he needed help. And right now TK felt like he needs help, he needs someone to lean on.
TK resolved with himself to just do it, he started walking into the building, he remembered the floor and the door he needs to go to. Stood waiting for the elevator to open, he took as many calming breathes as he could. He was going to the loft to see Carlos, this was fine. The ding of the elevator made him jump and he braced himself further as the doors opened. Out stepped the officer, but not Carlos.
“Oh, hey, you’re the paramedic from like a month ago, right?” The man spoke kindly to TK, but TK could tell he was surprised to see him stood before him.
“Yeah, that was me. Sorry, I’m TK, I didn’t catch your name?” TK’s mouth felt like it had dried up. This man was coming down from Carlos’s place; he looked really put together, but he was still coming down from Carlos’s place at 9:30 at night.
“Nice to see you again, TK; I’m Rafael, Rafael Garcia.” The man extended a hand out politely and TK tentatively shook it before letting go, trying not to look as if the touch burned him.
“Do you live in this building?” TK was trying so hard to keep the shaking out of his voice.
“Me? No, I’m just here to drop something off at Carlos’s place. Are you here to see him?” Rafael’s tone didn’t let on that he knew who TK was to Carlos, and TK didn’t know how that made him feel.
“Is he here?”
“Not at the minute, he’s on shift. Should be finished in like an hour and a half, that’s when mine starts at least.” The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a key, “He leant me the spare key to use, I was just heading to his mailbox to leave it for him.” TK felt slightly better that the man didn’t have a permanent key to Carlos’s place, but it hurt more then he thought that the ‘spare key’ was more then likely what should have been his key to his and Carlos’s home, before TK ran away.
“Oh okay, it wasn’t too important anyway, I’ll see if I can catch him some other time.” Right now, all TK wanted was to run away from the building, from Rafael, from the proximity to Carlos even if he wasn’t physically there, “I’ll see you around.” TK turned to leave, the door feeling so far away.
“If I see him at the station, want me to tell him you stopped by or give him a message?” Rafael seemed nice, he was polite and trying to be helpful; it left a bad taste in TK’s mouth.
“No, thank you.” TK called over his shoulder, taking heavy steps away and as soon as he was outside, he sped walked as far from the building as he could before he let himself breathe.
——
TK lay in his bed feeling numb; he’d almost broke tonight. He’d gone to a bar alone, and lying here now he wasn’t sure what his intentions had been. It hadn’t been a planned decision, he’d gone there on an impulse; felt like he’d zoned out and then woken up as he stepped into the bar.
It had been loud and smelled like beer and too many people. TK had to squeeze past people by the doorway to get to the bar, where he’d taken a deep breathe before he tried to hail down the bartender. He’d seen a man eyeing him up in the corner of his eye but the gaze on him, whatever their intentions, felt like burning on his skin. He didn’t want attention right now, he didn’t want to be seen. He wanted to be left to make whatever decision he ended up making in peace.
He turned away from the bar, leaving his back against it as he scanned the room. It was quite a busy night, groups of people pocketed around the room having fun and talking, all in their own worlds as TK could feel the start of his crumbling. His eyes were drawn to the dart board across the room and his mind drifted to his and Carlos’s first date, where Carlos had been so patient with him as he ranted on. How he’d listened to him and then took his mind off of everything, TK finally allowing himself to have fun. They’d played many rounds of darts, a competitive game ending with Carlos beating him 2 to 3. It was that night, whether or not TK admitted it to himself at the time, that he’d allowed himself to start picturing a proper relationship with Carlos, the life they could have. Now the sight of the dartboard felt like adding a weight to his heart, times long gone.
Scanning the room again, TK’s eyes stopped on Rafael, sitting at a booth on the opposite side of the room to him. He was laughing and had his hand clasped onto a bottle of beer, some empty ones sat on the table in front of him as he spoke to the man across from him. Even from behind and across the room, TK knew it was Carlos, he could tell from the broad strong back facing him, the curls and the glowing aura that he exuded. TK couldn’t see Carlos’s face, knew that Carlos couldn’t see him, and felt both better and worse about being in that bar. It felt weird seeing Carlos here with Rafael, clearly having fun and a good night if Rafael’s smile and the beers were anything to go by; he wanted to leave before running the risk of seeing anything that would hurt him, the idea of staying unknowing about the two feeling better then risking finding anything out first hand.
But it also felt like a blessing that Carlos was here. Somehow, on the night where TK felt his most fragile, where he felt most at risk of abandoning his sobriety, the bar he chooses is the one where Carlos is. Like an unknowing guardian angel.
“Sorry for the wait honey, can I get you anything?” The bartenders voice broke TK’s spell of watching Carlos’s back. She was stood behind him waiting patiently for him, the man who’d been eyeing TK up having at some point moved closer and looking poised to strike up a conversation.
“No… no thank you, I’m good.” TK breathed out and without waiting for a response, he turned and walked back out the door, already booking his Uber home. He lay in his bed feeling numb for hours that night, part of him wishing he’d just gone up to Carlos.
——
Lying in bed in the loft felt euphoric to TK. Feeling the arms he craved wrapped around him again made him feel so warm he could almost forget the hypothermia he’d just recovered from. The smell of Carlos filled his nostrils and wiped away the static sanitary smell of the hospital he’d just gotten released from. TK finally felt good again, after months of greyness there was finally colour. Resting his head on Carlos’s chest, above his heart, TK let his fingers trail across the smooth expanse of skin of Carlos’s chest and abdomen. He felt the hard muscle underneath and the occasional flinch as he hit a ticklish part of Carlos and it brought a smile to his face, turning it into his chest and pressing a kiss to it.
He felt completely at home again. But there was an itching thought at the back of his head. Carlos had an arm wrapped around him, resting on his shoulder where he drew his own little patterns into TK’s bare skin. He felt and looked the calmest that TK had seen him since he’d awoke from his coma, and if TK was honest with himself Carlos had looked tense every time he’d seen him since their break up.
“I missed you.” TK didn’t know why he whispered, they were alone in their own home, he just didn’t want to break the serenity of the moment between the two.
“I missed you, so much, I thought of you everyday.” Carlos pressed a strong kiss to TK’s temple, TK’s own mouth curling into a smile, “I owe Rafael a drink for dealing with my moping for so long.” Carlos blew a soft laugh out his nose, but he definitely felt TK tense at Rafael’s name.
“Officer Garcia? The one from the day you got shot at? He helped you deal?”
“He listened and tried to distract me. The one you met the night you stopped by.”
“You knew I stopped by, he told you?” TK pushed himself up onto his elbow to look down at Carlos, surprise on his face.
“He told me, I wanted to call but I didn’t want to do anything that could freak you out more. He said you seemed startled, on edge kind of.”
“It was the day my dad told me he was leaving; I guess I just wanted to see you, to feel like I wasn’t losing everything, even if I’d already pushed you away. Then he got out the elevator with your key, and so I kind of spiralled a little; I saw you with him a few weeks before then, and then one night at a bar. I guess I was just scared I’d properly lost you.” TK dropped his eyes down from Carlos’s face and took a deep breathe. Sure, he was now lying in bed with Carlos again, in his arms, but there was many moments over the last few months when the fear that this was truly an unreachable moment had rocked his world.
‘Hey baby’ he’d said to Carlos as he woke up in the hospital, feeling like he’d been given a jolt from a defibrillator when Carlos had taken his hand and pulled him into his arms. The world had felt like it was finally back on track in that moment, the smell of Carlos in his nose, the warmth of his body pressed against his own and the sound of his shaking breathe in his ear.
“Tyler, there is and never will be anyone I want but you. No matter what happened these last months, you were always on my mind, in my heart. I was always waiting for and wanting you to come home. I love you, it will always be you.” Carlos’s voice was so strong and so sure that TK felt himself beginning to tear up. He’d felt so numb these last months, so alone, and now he was finally feeling like he could breathe again.
“I love you so much.” TK hooked his leg over Carlos’s waist and pulled himself to rest atop of him, his hands coming up to softly grasp his cheeks and lowered himself down to press his lips firmly against Carlos’s, as Carlos’s arms wrapped around TK and pulled him fully against his body. Their hearts beat in sync as they rolled Carlos on top and lost themselves in each other’s bodies again.