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Keeli liked Rex, he really did, but after hearing him advise him – and others – to go and have some fun with a local Natborn to "relax", he was starting to lose his patience. His men were also teasing him about it, and it was extremely complicated to refrain from answering because they would not understand. None of them would.
"And this girl? She's quite pretty."
"If she's pretty then go and talk to her," he replied without even looking.
No matter how pretty she was, she was not what Keeli wanted.
Rex rubbed his face, looking exasperated. He could not be more exasperated than Keeli was with this conversation, but never mind.
"You're too picky Keeli, is there at least one person in this galaxy you've ever wanted to kriff?"
"My General. Repeatedly."
Strangely, in the noisy, festive atmosphere of the bar, Keeli perfectly heard the sound of a glass breaking a few metres away and, without knowing why, call it instinct, he turned around.
General Di was standing right next to what was obviously his destroyed pint, but his eyes were not looking at the ground, they were looking at Keeli.
"Tell me I'm dreaming," he said to Rex, not daring to look away.
"Maybe he didn't hear?" The other captain tried optimistically, refusing as always to lie when he could avoid it.
As if the spell had been broken, the Nikto blinked, looked at the mess at his feet and then at the happy crowd around him, seeming to wonder what he was doing there. Finally, with one last subtle glance towards Keeli he disappeared, blending into the crowd so perfectly in a matter of seconds that the clone could not help but wonder if invisibility was a Jedi ability.
"Maybe he was just drunk?" His comrade tried again.
"Rex, be honest here. Do you really think he didn't hear?"
When Keeli managed to tear his gaze away from the clones and Natborn who were dancing or talking loudly to hear each other over the loud music of the celebration the locals had kindly organised for them, Rex's face said more than words could.
"Fuck it."
"I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd say that, otherwise I'd have told you he was in my field of vision. Don't make that face, he doesn't look like a bad General... does he?"
"He's not, in fact he's rather thoughtful."
"So everything's fine, you can explain to him that it was a misunderstanding, a joke because I was annoying you and you didn't mean any disrespect, he shouldn't care."
"Except that would be lying, and Jedi can tell when you lie," he sighed, wishing he did not know that fact so he would have an excuse to try and lie in the hope that the Jedi would have enough tact and delicacy to pretend nothing had happened.
"... oh. You were being serious."
"Unfortunately, I was."
"But General Di is..."
"A Nikto, I know."
"No, I mean yes, he's a Nikto, but..."
"What? Spit it out!" he ordered sharply, unable to bear this hesitation worthy of a clumsy shiny.
Oh damn, that sounded so much like Bacara it was frightening.
"He's a man, isn't he?"
This time, Keeli was completely comfortable with the comparison as he invoked as much Bacara as he could into an icy, menacing gaze. He knew from experience what people thought as soon as they knew. Rex could judge as he liked, it was too late to stop him anyway, but he would have to keep his mouth shut. Keeli could not be transferred again without giving a reason, Bacara had been supportive and transferred him without asking to General Mundi and Keeli knew he had been reprimanded for that, but he could not do that forever. One day the longnecks were going to notice these far too frequent changes of posting and get involved, and when they realised Keeli was abnormal... he did not want to think about it.
"He is, and you'll never repeat that if you know what's good for you."
Looking surprised at the change in tone and mood, Rex raised his hands from his own drink in a sign of appeasement.
"Hey, take it easy."
"Easy for you to say."
"No, I mean... even Natborns find comfort with their mates when there are no women around, I've done it too, there's nothing wrong with that."
"Except that for me it's all the time," he snapped in a murmur, refusing to take the easy way out.
He was not ashamed of who he was, and he would never be ashamed of loving a man like his Jedi, but he also knew he had to be discreet about it for his own safety.
When Rex finally understood, he remained silent, preferring to look at his beer as if it would miraculously take him away from this awkward conversation. It would not.
Here we go again, going off into embarrassment, contempt and thinly veiled disgust.
"I admit I don't see the appeal," the blonde said after several minutes of agonising silence between them. "And if it's that’s an important for you I won't tell anyone."
"I hope you mean that for your own sake, because I know someone who'll make you pay if you dare-"
"You don't need to threaten me with vod, I have nothing to say about it."
"Really?" Keeli highly doubted it.
He had heard them all, sly comments, always discreet enough to seem innocent, but each time said in his presence, and when he left the room laughter echoed behind him.
Never let it be said that clones were tolerant of difference, they were not, Keeli was just glad it was not visible on his body. Even Rex must have had a hard time being blond, being promoted to officer after Geonosis had spared him the worst that discrimination and harassment could offer, especially as he was the darling of his Jedi.
Keeli had not been so lucky; he had barely been in General Mundi's presence when he was still a Marine and his Commander did not care that Keeli was mocked by his fellow Captains, even when his men followed their example. If it had not been for that time when Bacara had wandered incognito into the mess and witnessed it, Keeli did not know where he would have ended up.
Probably dead somewhere, a clone who did not really have the support of his peers did not live long.
His reassignment had saved him in more ways than one, he obviously had his doubts with Bacara when they had selected General Di, but the man was a golden opportunity despite more regrettable circumstances. The Company he led had been completely decimated in battle when the Jedi was on the other side of the battlefield, so he needed new troops.
Keeli was on a transport the very evening. From his old unit, Bacara was the only person he still spoke to, and yet he had not even been the Commander to whom he reported directly, a Commander Marshall did not have enough time to worry about the echelons below his Commanders, and yet he had taken the time to be there for him, he would never forget.
"It doesn't really concern me, does it? In any case, I'm not the one you want to kriff."
"Shit!" He swore as he stood up abruptly, he had forgotten his General!
"Maybe you should give him some time," Rex warned him with a worried frown.
"Time for what, misunderstanding? Not a word of this," he finished firmly, swallowing the rest of his drink to bring himself courage.
He did not care if his feelings were never returned, he had never hoped for it to begin with, so he had to find his General to tell him. Oh sure, he was just a clone with no choice in his movements, but he had to give it a try.
He did not want to leave him.
The night was cool and terribly silent as he moved away from the building and the marquees lit and warmed by huge braziers or fires outside. The sources of light were weak and perhaps a little insufficient despite the light from the two moons, but he did not stop for all that.
Because he did not know where he could find his General, and above all because he refused to impose his presence on him if he had ever taken refuge in his room, Keeli wandered the streets of the partially destroyed village where they had set up camp, walking at random. Perhaps not his best strategy, but his General had a tendency to say that if things were to happen, then his steps would lead him in the right direction.
The fact that he was only a clone and did not have the Force was apparently not a factor, the Jedi believed in a form of destiny in a rather strange way for people with powers so alien to others, but he never questioned it. Whether or not he found his General along the way, it would be beneficial for Keeli to be active, he absolutely had to clear his head.
To be perfectly honest, he did not know how long he walked like that, but at one point, in a district that was less destroyed than the others but which he did not know any more than the others, his steps slowed down as the sound of water became more and more perceptible.
Water... for Keeli water was not a good memory, water was Kamino, nightmares, fear and pain, but he remembered what his General had told him once when their Company had camped by a river: he perceived the Force as water. From what he understood, the Jedi perceived the Force differently, for some it was a noise, others visual or even thermal clues. Some people heard music, a heartbeat, but for General Di it was water.
Following his ears, Keeli soon arrived at a deserted but well-lit square, the district's power supply having survived even though many of the lampposts had been individually damaged. Checking the area out of habit, Keeli found that what was probably the largest building in the square had been destroyed, but that the fountain in the middle was intact. And sitting cross-legged on the ledge, with his back to Keeli, was a familiar figure.
"Captain? Is there a problem?"
"None, General," he replied, forcing himself forward.
He could not back down, this conversation was going to take place, today or later, so he might as well get on with it.
"About what you heard earlier..."
"It's all right, I'm not angry. I gather from your tone that this conversation was bothering you, in fact I should apologise for disturbing you," the other said calmly, turning to stand and face him, still the very image of self-control.
"I said quite inappropriately that I was thinking of taking you to bed and you think you should apologise?"
A subtle twitch of the jaw was all Keeli had to indicate that his General was embarrassed. It would be easier if he blushed, but then, if he did he would not be the man Keeli loved.
Keeli loved a man, and that man was a Red Nikto, so Keeli had adapted. Spotting the clues was not easy even when you knew what to look for, but he would never stop trying. He felt so proud when he made the other man smile and knew that the others did not understand his General's secret amusement that he could not stretch his lips into a smile and could only tighten them.
"No, for my rude interruption and abrupt departure."
"I'm terribly sorry I made you feel uncomfortable," the clone finally admitted, bringing the conversation back to the right place. "I would never have said that if I'd known you could hear it."
"Don't worry, I've... well, I've heard far worse jokes and far less flattering."
... Of course he had. Whether clones or Natborns, not everyone would view a Nikto with the same respect as a human. It always boiled down to the same thing.
"I'm sorry, I sincerely apologise, it won't happen again."
"Peace, Captain, I won't hold it against you."
Now or never, he realised, the Jedi was probably going to put this embarrassing evening behind them and suggest that they return together to the area where they had all planned to sleep.
"In fact, although an annoyed response to Captain Rex, my sentence could not have been more genuine. With all due respect, sir."
General Di, who had opened his mouth, slowly closed it again. His usually large eyes seemed immense with surprise and incomprehension.
"I... excuse me?"
At that point…
"I'd go to bed with you any day, General."
"Captain, it's... it's..."
"I like you a lot," Keeli finished last, sincere as ever while the Jedi was lost for words.
The silence that followed his confession was terrible, the implied rejection stinging and devastating despite its expected and anticipated nature, but Keeli managed not to run away and to maintain his dignity.
"I'm sorry if this is a lot, I probably shouldn't have brought it up like this and spilled my guts to relieve myself and let you deal with all this pressure, I just... really needed to talk about it."
"I understand, Captain, it’s just that... I'm a Jedi. Jedi can't go through this, even if I wanted to I couldn't give you what you wanted."
Of course he knew that, now if only his heart would accept the message and heed it...
"I can assure you that my Kamino teaching units have never once touched on love relationships, whether romantic or sexual, so I'm positive in telling you that I don't expect anything in particular."
"Of course, but as a Jedi, ‘nothing’ is as much as I can give."
"I served with General Mundi, he... I heard he had wives and children. Yet he's a member of the Jedi High Council."
"He is an exceptional exception," the Jedi countered immediately, shifting from his favourite position with his hands behind his back to having his arms crossed in an almost defensive movement that distressed Keeli with the implication that he made him defensive. "His circumstances were special and this kind of authorisation is only given on condition that the Jedi is Jedi first and foremost and manages to keep a tight rein on his attachment for his family."
"Would you say he succeeded?"
"I... yes, I would. It's hard but not impossible, having intense but healthy relationships with people who aren't Jedi is possible, some parents are still close to their children like Master Gallia's parents but again, it's not the norm."
Keeli realised that the rejection was not strong enough to make him stop arguing. He did not want to understand, none of those words had been a clear and unequivocal rejection of his feelings on a personal level. Oh he knew General Di did not look at him like that, but maybe he needed to hear him say it, and right now the Nikto's delicacy was not helping him stop hoping.
He should ask him for a firm, definitive answer.
"If he can do it, why can't you? Why shouldn't we?" He asked, trying to keep his desperation for a favourable answer to himself.
Hope against defeatism, seemed that hope is stronger.
"I... it's forbidden."
"That's not what I asked."
Oh Keeli was so fucked up, he could not stop talking when he really, really should shut up now.
Strangely, he still had not received a single sentence telling him to get lost. His General seemed to be giving the matter some serious thought – more than he had ever dared hope for – before replying with unexpected gentleness, looking him straight in the eye.
"I know what you mean, and I understand that you are in a phase of passion, but it will pass in the end."
"I think that passion has been burning inside me for some time now, General."
"Fire can devour you."
"It can also warm you and save you from a cold loneliness," the clone retorted boldly.
From now on he knew for sure that something was definitely wrong with him, the Kaminoans had missed something in Keeli to make him like this.
The Nikto ran a hand over his face, looking amused by his answers if he went by his tiny "Nikto smile".
"Don't get me wrong, I think of you as a dear friend and comrade, not as a lover. I'm not closed to the idea per se, but it's extremely unlikely that my feelings will change."
"I myself first respected you as a superior and then appreciated you like the others before feeling things more strongly," Keeli then pointed out to him while rubbing the back of his neck, forcing his thoughts to remain rational because if he let his brain scream hysterically and repeat over and over again "I'm not closed to the idea per se", he might faint and that would not give a very good impression of him. "Maybe your refusal to even consider the possibility is the only thing keeping you from being interested in someone, me or someone else, who knows? I'm not asking for anything, I've never expected anything from you. Please, just let me stay by your side. I'll never mention it again."
Staying with him was far more important to him than any change in their interactions.
"But wouldn't that be cruel of me?" The Nikto uneasily raised an issue he had in mind. "If we don't get any closer, won't I take advantage of your hopes and mislead you?"
Oh please, mislead me and I'll follow you to the ends of the universe.
"I'm ready to take the risk."
"I don't even know if I'll ever be able to feel romantic love for you or if we'll really like each other."
"I'm ready to find out with you."
"I'm not going to respond to your feelings overnight," the Jedi insisted again, and this time Keeli was almost convinced that the other was desperately trying to find a reason to stop himself without really wanting to.
If he was against it, he would have said so straight away, but now he was just trying to push Keeli into a corner to make sure he would not regret it if they tried.
Keeli had no regrets and he already knew he would not have any.
"I can wait, we can take our time and figure this out together," he offered, holding out his hand to the General, feeling strangely serene as his ears suddenly picked up the sound of the fountain so loudly that his head could be inches from the water.
It was strangely soothing for once though.
Finally, the bridge was crossed and a rough, orange, scaly hand closed on his.