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Grian knew there would come an end to them.
He was glad Xisuma was the one to bring it up while they were lazing on the couch in Xisuma’s shitty studio apartment.
“There's something you're not telling me,” Xisuma stated, the hand running through Grian’s hair pulling away.
Grian wanted to pull the hand back and ignore Xisuma's statement. To ignore the wedge that had started to grow in their relationship. To ignore his growing romantic feelings for the wrong person. To continue living as they were.
But that was unfair towards Xisuma, and it was unfair towards himself.
Grian nodded and forced himself to sit up from where he'd been laying on top of Xisuma, putting his hands on Xisuma's stomach and sitting back on his thighs so they could properly look at each other for what would be the hardest conversation in Grian's life.
They sat in quiet for a long moment. Grian had no idea where to start. He had no idea how to bring up what he needed to say without breaking Xisuma's heart. But that was the whole point here. He would break Xisuma's heart. He should be a kind, considerate boyfriend himself. He should break things off before things got very hard to break off. He shouldn't linger in a relationship where his heart wasn't in for anymore.
“I... I have to tell you something.”
Xisuma stared at Grian, and Grian twisted the shirt under his hands into a ball, pointedly not looking at Xisuma in turn, afraid of what he might find there. Did he know? Did he figure it out? Was Grian going to sour their relationship?
“Take your time,” Xisuma said, putting his hands on Grian’s hips and rubbing circles into the skin just above his waistline. Soothing Grian in ways his words would never be able to.
Xisuma was so good for him. Doing all the little things Grian liked, doing all the things Grian needed. Never yelling at him, never getting angry at him. He was the perfect boyfriend. He would make a great husband. Just not to Grian.
He couldn’t be all that in turn. Grian was broken. He was an awful boyfriend. Forgetting anniversaries, forgetting they were going to hang out, forgetting to text back. He wanted to.
But he liked fighting with Doc in their school forums more.
So he looked at Xisuma, and spoke words he never wanted to say. “I don't love you anymore.”
There. He said it. It was out into the world now. Now he wanted to curl up in a ball and die a slow and painful death.
Doc didn't even like him, he was ruining the only other relationship he had, and he hated both of it.
But he couldn't help it. His heart wanted Doc, and he wanted to be friends with Xisuma.
It sucked. It was awful. He didn't see how he could ever make this work.
Xisuma nodded slowly, a small furrow in his brow as he took the time to find the words. “I see,” he eventually said. “And does Doc know?”
Always concerned about others. Never about himself or what that would mean.
“So this has to stop.”
Xisuma sat up, closing the distance between himself and Grian. “I'm asking if Doc knows, first.”
“No.”
“Are you planning on telling him?”
“He hates me! He doesn't want anything to do with me.”
“He's deeply, madly in love with you.”
Grian opened his mouth to lament more about how awful Doc was, because he was properly awful, and Grian was awfully in love. And then he heard what exactly Xisuma said. What truth he just spilled on Doc.
How massively this changed everything Grian had thought was true and real and possible.
He could actually see a future now. He could see it, and he really, really hoped it would come true.
“What?” Grian’s voice was small and unsure. He couldn’t believe it. He had no reason to believe it. Doc couldn’t be in love with Grian. Doc hated Grian’s gut. Grian was supposed to hate his guts in turn.
They didn’t work together, aside from the fact they worked together near flawlessly every time they were paired up (which was... awfully often).
“He confessed to me a while back. About how he was jealous of me for bagging you so easily. So I asked him if he was in love with you. He said yes. I didn’t ask anything more. Didn’t feel the need to. I knew enough.”
“And why didn’t you tell me?” Grian’s mouth spoke before he had a chance to think about it. But it was true. He did want to know. He needed to know.
“You had to make the decision yourself, but if you’re not telling me, I am going to prompt you into telling me.”
Xisuma made so much sense and Grian hated it. He hated how he couldn’t come outright and say what it was about. He couldn’t imagine being here and breaking Xisuma’s heart.
And yet he was. He was here. This was real. This was happening. And it went completely different than Grian expected.
Doc wanted him? He could never have imagined that in a thousand years.
He... He... His entire brain was misfiring on the topic, and he had no idea how to even start addressing any of it.
“So it’s over. Between us?” Grian said. By lack of anything else. By lack of a cohesive thought in his head.
“We can still cuddle and be friends, but yes. It’s over between us.”
“Oh-”
“I don’t want to keep you in a relationship that your heart is not in, and if you love Doc, then that’s a choice you’re making.”
Grian nodded slowly. “Okay. Can I just... Lay down and process all of this?”
“Sure.”
Grian was about to pull away to go faceplant on Xisuma’s bed, but Xisuma surprised him by pulling him down and wrapping his arms around him.
Grian wanted to say he pulled away, wanted to say he ran far, far away. But he couldn’t help but snuggle against Xisuma’s chest and melt.
Xisuma ran his hand through Grian’s hair again, and Grian thought things might just turn out alright.
He wished. He hoped.