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I hadn't heard from Tamaki in a while.
After the impromptu camping trip I was forced into while working as a Black Feather, and the summer beach visit I stumbled into sharing with her and her friends, I drifted back into a painfully familiar pattern, one that I had taken with my ex-boyfriend when we began drifting apart.
She would enthusiastically message me, and I would reply noncommittally, or fail to reply at all, feigning not having received it.
I want to say I tried; I want to say I did anything at all. In the end, though, all I did was come up with reason after reason why I should allow the gap between us to keep widening.
"She must be busy."
"She has so much going on with her Union."
"She has to help people in Kamihama."
And my view of the situation grew darker, yet darker.
"She doesn't need someone pathetic like me clinging to her like a remora."
"I'd just bring her down, make her feel just as bad as me."
Before I knew it, just before the holidays, she had stopped contacting me entirely. She'd finally let me be, but I felt no relief.
I sat in my room, feeling numbly miserable, impurities swirling around inside my Soul Gem.
I remembered something she had told me before we parted ways at the beach.
"Hey, Kuroe?"
"Y-Yes?
"If...If you ever need a helping hand, or a listening ear, or a Grief Seed...you can always stop by the Magia Union. Me and everyone else there care a lot about you, you know?"
"A-Ah... That's... really kind of you. Thank you..."
It felt warm at the time that she spoke those words, but in the present moment, I felt cursed by her selfless kindness.
In the depths of my depression, I had been neglecting my Witch-hunting duties.
Having been a Feather, I'd been allowed a stash for emergencies which I'd had just enough will to use over the past few months, but by this point I was all out.
I knew it was over for me soon, so I decided that if I was going to die, I'd at least do it somewhere where it wouldn't hurt my family.
I left the house, telling my mother I'd be home for dinner. Not looking back, I caught the train to Kamihama.
I'd always found the faux-vintage look of the train cars on the Kamihama-Takarazaki line charming. It was unlike public transit anywhere else, warm and friendly in a glassy, chilly and lonely world. As I made my way toward the rear car, I noticed that everything on the train was still decorated for Christmas; it was a bit late for that, but I wasn't interested in complaining.
I checked my phone's map, still having the radius of the Doppel system plugged into it by the Magius tech genius, Satomi Touka... It seemed I was out of range.
Just as I wanted.
In one swift motion, I wrenched open the end door on the rear car and clambered out of it onto the tracks. As the train disappeared into the distance, I pulled out my Soul Gem, which was well and truly swirling with darkness now.
I was going to jump, and either I would land and my Gem would shatter, or I would become a witch before hitting the ground. Either way, I was finally going to escape this horrible, pervasive feeling that had consumed me.
I stepped up onto the edge of the tracks, and I leapt, unhesitating, plummeting downwards--
--but halfway down, I felt the speed of my descent drastically drop.
My blood ran cold.
I felt a familiar sensation: a pair of muddy wings unfurling around me, a white mask covering, then becoming, my face.
My Doppel.
As I was forced to glide down, I checked my surroundings; I should have been well and truly out of range of the purifying influence, even now.
"Damn it... Why...?"
"Because you can't escape me that easily," the Doppel answered, echoing through my mind. "That deep unease you feel all the time is me, and that intense sense of shame and self-loathing is the glue that keeps us tied together. It always will be."
I choked back a frustrated sob.
"No... No...!"
I'd been so close to freedom... What had gone wrong...?
"Oh. By the way... Heads up."
"Wh-- UGH!"
One of my Doppel's wings clipped a traffic light, and I was tossed to one side, hard. We crashed to the sidewalk below, hard; the other wing cushioned some of the blow, but it was a rough landing, and I blacked out. As I lost consciousness, I could see what looked like a person rushing up to me, but I couldn't tell for sure...
...
"Nhh..."
I stirred, sluggishly looking around. I was in an unfamiliar room, on a bed surrounded by various fashionable-looking things; clothes, makeup, plushies and the like. In one corner, a small Christmas tree twinkled.
I sat up enough to look myself over; my magical girl outfit was stowed away, as were those wings and that mask. My Soul Gem sat on the bedside table, shining purple and clean as a whistle.
"Wha... I-- AGHK...!"
I attempted to prop myself up with one arm, but it sent an indescribable pain shooting through me, forcing me to lay back down.
"Eep! Oh, she must be awake!" came a voice from another room. A girl scurried into the bedroom not long after. She was a little taller than me, with blonde hair with pink streaks running through it.
"Gosh, thank goodness you're up! Though you should really lay back down, you know! You really took a beating from that rough landing... I mean, I figured you'd recover from it, we always do, but--"
"W-Wait, wait, wait," I stammered, "please, back up a little! Er, informationally, I mean! I'm j-just... a bit overwhelmed..."
"Oh, gomen! Well, what do you want to know?"
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and gathered my thoughts.
"...W-Well, let's get this out of the way first. I have a hunch, but by 'we' earlier, you meant..."
"Of course..." With a twirl and a poof like a smoke bomb, she changed from her casual hoodie-and-skirt look into an elaborate, ruffly dress. "...I meant mahou shoujo!"
"Oh! I-I see... But how'd you know I was one too?"
"Well, it's not every day that a girl comes plummeting out of the bright blue sky and still has a pulse afterwards!"
"Oh." I stifled a giggle. "Y-Yeah, that's fair. Plus, I guess my Doppel was out..."
"Yeah, those big dripping wings! Your wingspan was tottemo impressive."
"Uh, thanks?" I couldn't help but chuckle at that, and she followed suit, before lightly startling.
"Wait, jeez! I never introduced myself!" She knocked herself on the head lightly, sticking out her tongue. "I'm Ashley Taylor, your friendly neighborhood mahou shoujo! And you?"
I shifted on the bed uncomfortably. "You can call me...K-Kuroe."
Ashley cocked her head slightly at the mononym; I gave her an uneasy smile. "S-Sorry, not to be rude to you... M-my full name's just... kind of a sore spot."
"Oh! I totally understand! It took me a while to pick my own when I decided to, even though I was so sick of my old one."
"You... picked one?"
"Yes! I'm, well…
I feel a little weird just telling someone I just met this, but you're nice, so it'll be fine!" Ashley smiled warmly. "I'm a transgender girl! Mommy and Daddy were really good to me about it when I figured out I wanted to transition, so I was really lucky."
I caught myself gawping at her, not necessarily shocked by of her gender so much as by the unlikeliness of our meeting.
Finally realizing my jaw had dropped, I stumbled over my words spectacularly. "O-Oh my gosh-- that's so cool-- and s-sorry for staring-- I just-- aaaaaaa how do I explain--"
"Hey, Kuroe, breathe! You gotta breathe!"
Hearing my last name snapped me out of my awkward rambling spree. "O-oh, sorry... Phew..."
I took a deep breath, then decided to go for it.
"I-It's just, I'm basically in the same boat... I'm also a trans girl! I was just shocked to meet someone like me out of the blue like this..."
Ashley beamed at me. "Omigosh, that's so cool! And like, it almost doesn't feel random? It's like some mischievous kami-sama guided me onto that street so I could meet you, or something."
I cocked my head. "Mischievous...goddess?"
"I mean, stranger things have happened in Kamihama, wouldn't you say?"
I smiled. "I...suppose I can't deny that."
"But now I kind of get why your name would be a sore spot. Trouble choosing, huh?" Ashley said, giving me a sympathetic look.
"Ah, y-yeah... It's just... awkward. It's really hard to pick out just the right kanji, and nothing has felt quite fitting..." I sighed. "So I just go by my last name, and most people have been okay about it, but some people at school have been jerks..."
"Hmm... Well, here's what I think. Tomorrow's New Year's Day... It's like a clean slate, y'know? So, don't worry about not being able to choose before, and don't worry about the people at your school. Those're bridges you'll cross when you get to 'em in the new year!" She smiled warmly once more, and I felt my heart flutter a little.
She thought for a bit, then spoke again. "How 'bout this? If you're feeling well enough, wanna meet up at a shrine tomorrow? I've got a tottemo kawaii kimono I've been waiting months to take for a spin, and I'd love to help you get a fresh start!"
I wanted to smile back, but I could feel those doubts, that unease, creeping up on me.
"You know... We just met, and we barely know each other... But here we've been swapping secrets and chatting like that's no big deal... W-Why are you being so nice to me?"
"Heheh. What, you think I've got an ulterior motive? 'Oh nooo, you found me out! I was gonna cut off your Doppel's wings and pan-fry them!' or something like that, maybe?" Ashley giggled a bit.
"W-Wha--? N-No, I just... I guess I…I don't understand why I'm worth your time." I sank backwards into the sheets a little bit.
"You seem like the type who has a lot of friends... And most of them probably aren't as gloomy and...well...in their own head... as someone like me. I mean, I literally tried to k--"
"Please!" Ashley's expression turned serious. "...You don't have to say it. Just ...take a deep breath, alright? In, hold, and then out."
"A-Alright..." I did as she told me to. In, held, and then out. Once, then twice, then thrice...
I could feel my head starting to clear as I focused on my breathing. For once, my Doppel failed to find purchase on my soul and feed off my despair.
"Good. It seems like you're feeling a little better, yeah?" She still looked a little serious.
"Y-Yeah..."
She dropped the serious look, but still didn't look me in the eye.
"I'm being nice to you because you deserve it. You genuinely and unequivocally deserve it. And I know that that can be hard to believe when you're feeling low, but I mean it. I just wanted to show you that kindness in a way that helps you want to not despair...the way Daddy did for me a long time ago. Pass it on, you know?"
"I..." I teared up a little bit, giving her a warm smile. "T-Thank you, Ashley."
At that moment, I decided that I'd try not to question the kindness of others anymore.
"Say... Can we... exchange phone numbers? We've gotta... plan out where we should meet tomorrow, after all."
Ashley smiled wider than I'd seen all day thus far, and my heart fluttered again.
"Yeah! This is gonna be super dokidoki exciting!!"
Suddenly, she bounced forward and wrapped me up in a hug...!
"W-Whoa! Hey, careful! I'm still a little sore...!"
The next day was a lot of fun. I didn't expect to enjoy spending time with someone so rambunctious, but meeting Ashley at Mizuna Shrine, bumping into her friends, just chit-chatting... For some reason, it came really easily to me that day.
I felt lighter, more free, than I had in months upon months. Whenever things got a little overwhelming, I tried to use the deep breathing trick she'd taught me, and it helped a lot.
I found myself genuinely happy I had ended up surviving. And that day, when I stepped up to the shrine, I found myself wishing to the gods that I could live happily like this with friends, for a good long time...
As Sayo Kuroe.