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i remember sitting in a cold chair waiting for my turn and judging the people on the pedestal waiting for one day where i could be up there. judging and idolizing yourself to radiate confidence. i remember flipping the pages of a comic book while you were up, never paying attention to anyone but myself. maybe i was foolish - maybe it was smarter than i thought later on. many days later we were put in the same room together and told to teach the children right from wrong. i was scared and awkward near you, stumbling over words while the words flowed out of you like a lake, perfect and seemingly better than me. you reassured me that i was fine, great really and i shook it off. it was a lie and i knew it. but the only difference now is i thought they stopped there. later and later we met again, and we bonded over small things and found that we were much more alike than we had originally thought in the first room we met in. we talked and talked over breaks in time and found more similarities between each other. the time for seeing each other had ended, or i had thought so. not much later i was greeted with a warm smile that contrasted with the cold afternoon and couldn't help but smile back. this was the smallest group we had ever been in together. our meetings had been with less and less people each time, leaving us to talk. we had the most fun we had ever had in the small room we met in, joking around and getting closer and closer. we made a promise to each other to love our idol forever and stick together forever. the irony of that is stronger than blood.(get it iron blood i'll go) sooner than i'd have hoped you left. i worried but i didn't have a way to contact you. i got my phone back and wrote out a message to you as soon as i got it back. you replied a few weeks later and we met again even later in a workspace before i had to turn you away. i couldn't sell to you, we were closed but i felt guilty and awkward as when i was in the elementary school classroom. the next day was the day i thought you'd leave - maybe it would have been better if you had. i sheepishly told you to "have a good summer" and went back to helping clean up. a month later we got back in touch, closer than ever. i felt happier than i had in a long, long time and i felt truly me. i didn't feel like i had to hide behind myself. this was the first time i had ever felt like this. then, you surprised me by coming to see me under the same circumstances we met under. you vouched for me when everyone laughed and i felt safe at school in my own skin for the first time since i wasn't hiding myself. we smiled and laughed and everything was fine. then, well, it wasn't as fine. my world crashed. i felt lied to. i felt like it was all a lie because i was younger. i hadn't felt like this for a long time. a long, long time. i sat in my bed the rest of the day and skipped school. i didn't ever want to go back. i didn't want to be in a place where i was vulnerable and couldn't hide. i didn't want to go to a place where great memories became tainted and turned to heavy weights. i didn't want to be an actor. i just wanted to be me before this wreck of a year happened. it got a little better before it got much, much worse. it wasn't an accident. we just weren't friends. there was no explanation. i felt lied to again. betrayed. forever isn't quite as long as i thought it was, i guess.