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Her insecurities always seemed to rear their ugly heads when she least wanted them—when she thought she had already rid herself of them. At some point, she had finally rid herself of the fear of how the people she brought into her bed would recoil at the sight of the burn scars that littered her back. Burn scars that tainted her back since adolescence—burn scars that she thought she had finally come to terms with.
So why was it that every time she and Alex were intimate, as soon as his hands grasped at the hem of her shirt or inched up her back, she pushed them away? Why was it that her heart began to thud painfully in her chest, blood rushing to her ears, mouth going dry, and stomach churning uncomfortably at the mere thought of him seeing her without her shirt? Why was it that she was so much more aware of what she wore when he was around, avoiding sleeveless clothes and opting for things that covered her back completely? He had told her time and time again that he loved her, and she knew it to be fact.
But how would he look at her if he saw her scars? Would it be the same loving gaze? Or would his eyes hold the same disgust as almost every other person she had exposed her back to, be it accidental or not?
She trusted him so much, but it scared her to think that the trust could only go so far. And she didn’t want that trust to last only so long as she kept her shirt on, even if she knew he wasn’t anything like that.
He loved her, so why couldn’t she love herself?
The times they would be on her couch or on his, her in his lap, his hands on her waist and hers interlocked loosely behind his head—as soon as his fingers tickled at the bare skin under her shirt, she would pull away as if the scars still burned. As if his fingers were the flames licking at her sensitive flesh. And every time, without fail, he would apologize, a look of dismay on his features, promising they could go at whatever pace she wanted. But she wanted to go at his pace—her brain just wouldn’t allow it.
And he wasn’t stupid. He had to have noticed by now it was always when he went to relieve her of her top that she clammed up, never her bottoms. Ever the gentle soul with her, he would always tell her that he loved her, that she was beautiful, and that she would always be the most perfect woman ever. That all the imperfections she saw in herself were things about her that he adored—the things that made her her.
So why couldn’t she allow herself to give in to what she wanted?
It was a few years earlier when a friend had forced her to a store to buy a pretty set of lingerie and told her to wear it in front of a mirror and give herself positive affirmations whenever the insecurity would eat at her. Speak positively about herself and her imperfections until she could see them as being a beautiful part of her whole self. She had had no use for it in a long while, having thought herself finally free of those nasty thoughts that ate away at the back of her mind.
But now she found herself holding them once more in her hands, seated at the edge of her bed as she looked down at the pretty lacy and blue fabric, thumbing at it lightly. Alex was out for work and had told her yesterday he would be back late today, not going into any specifics. He wouldn’t be back for a while, so now would be the perfect time to try out those affirmations again on her day off without him interrupting, right?
She had tried doing this before but couldn’t bring herself to do it in the pretty lace, instead trying to work her way up to it. So far it had only ever been affirmations with her shirt still on.
You’re beautiful the way you are , she would tell herself. Your scars are not a hindrance to your beauty. You are worthy and deserving of love .
Words on repeat until she either believed them or couldn’t stand not believing them. Would they be any different today? They worked years ago, so why weren’t they working now?
She thumbed at the lingerie one last time with a heavy sigh, not being able to find it in herself to put them on yet. They sat as unused as they had been for years, now on her bed as she made her way to her bathroom, thumbing at the hem of her shirt.
Convince yourself it’s just to take a shower , she thought, sighing once more as she used that thought to finally pull off her shirt. She had lived with these burns for years, but the thought of allowing Alex of all people to see them sent her heart lurching into her stomach. And that precisely was why she wanted to try and stomp out those thoughts. Alex would never react how her mind tried to convince her…
… why couldn’t she get the affirmations out today? She stared at herself in the mirror, turning as much as she could comfortably to look at her back. The discolored, uneven skin stared back. No matter how much she wished it gone on many nights as of recently, they were a part of her. She turned the other way, back facing the door that stood slightly ajar. The same skin stared back, fingers running lightly over it.
She all-but glared at her own skin for a few minutes, trying so desperately to find kind words for herself but failing.
In the silence of her house, she would have expected to hear any noise that came from inside. But with the blood rushing in her ears, she heard nothing until words were spoken from the door as it was pushed further open.
“Didn’t know you had anything like this,” came the words from her loving boyfriend, pretty blue lingerie in hand as he looked up at her, eyes immediately catching her back.
Dylan could feel her stomach in her throat, immediately turning so her entire back was out of his line of sight as her body reacted much in the way it did whenever his hands danced at the skin under her shirt. Unable to bring herself to look at his face, fearing the worst, she stared at the blue he held in his hands.
“I thought you… you said you were going to be out late,” she spoke meekly, one hand struggling to grab the towel that laid on the rack as she kept her eyes on the fabric in his hands.
He realized very quickly that he was very obviously invading her privacy, swiftly spinning on his heels to face her bedroom and not her. “Sorry angel, didn’t realize you’d be shirtless,” he sheepishly responded, not that she would notice the lack of disgust in his voice with how loud her thoughts were.
With his eyes off her, she finally turned to grab the towel, blinking away the angry tears that threatened to fill her eyes. Why was she even angry? It wasn’t at him. Herself? For leaving the door open and putting both of them in this position?
Her thoughts continued to pound her brain, mouth not being able to formulate a response.
Alex cleared his throat from his position at the door. “If… if those scars are what you’ve been worried about, I promise you I still think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes on,” he finally voiced his own thoughts after realizing she was keeping hers internalized.
He was definitely as smart as she had been anticipating, what with how quick and easy he had been able to connect the dots. But his words were futile in shaking the insecurities that gripped her chest with talons that dug so deep that they physically pained her.
“I’m sorry,” Dylan could only find in herself to say aloud, voice just as meek as it had been moments ago.
“Can I turn around now, angel?” he asked, doing so only after she softly hummed in affirmation, eyes still diverted from his gaze, hand clutching at the towel she now cocooned herself in. He set the lingerie he held on the bathroom counter, stepping closer to her and pulling her into his arms, resting his head atop hers as he rubbed small circles into her arms.
She continued to stay silent, breathing softly into his work uniform. It seemed he had come here straight from work, not even taking the time to go to his own house to change. Her free hand grabbed at a button of his uniform, toying with it to keep her hands from shaking. She was stronger than this—stronger than whining about her insecurities. Insecurities that rolled off her in waves so apparent that even Alex could see them now.
Why wasn’t he drawing back from her in disgust like everyone else had?
“I love you, you know that, right?” Alex aired the query. She nodded into his hold after a second, feeling as tears clung to her lashes, a feeling she loathed. “When I say that, I mean it. All of you. There’s nothing you could hide from me that would make me change my mind.”
She felt as he pressed a kiss to her hair as she clenched her eyes shut, the angry tears dribbling down her cheeks. Angry at herself once again, now for making her loving boyfriend feel like he needed to comfort her over something so stupid. If what he said was true, then she felt even worse about fearing that he would find her unappealing and not want her after seeing all of her.
He wasn’t like that .
“I’m sorry,” Dylan echoed her own words in a mumble.
“Nothing to apologize to me for, darling,” Alex responded simply, pressing another kiss to the crown of her head.
She stayed silent again before trying to change the topic off of herself as she gripped tighter at the towel. “Thought you were getting out late,” she stated.
“They decided to have me stay later a different day,” he replied, quickly following it up with, “but we’re still going to talk about you.”
Much too smart of a man. Especially a man with as silly a mustache as his, a thought that had her lips quirking in a little smile.
“It’s nothing, Alex,” she tried, knowing it was a futile effort.
“Not nothing, not if you pull away every time I’m about to take your shirt off.” Really, she couldn’t have ended up with a man just a little stupid? One that couldn’t read right through her? “Not nothing if it seems like you’ve been in here just staring at yourself for a while.”
She sighed, leaning her head into his chest. “Okay, so maybe it’s something… why does it matter?” she finally admitted after a few beats of silence.
“It matters because my pretty little girlfriend thinks that I would be bothered by it. Probably thinks I wouldn’t be able to call her my pretty little girlfriend anymore.” She inhaled his scent, allowing it to calm her, just like all the times she did so while spent cuddled into him. “What are you even doing in here just staring at yourself?”
She huffed a mirthless laugh. “Something stupid my friend would make me do when I felt down about the scars,” she answered into his chest, knowing she could trust him with this knowledge. “Told me to stand in front of a mirror and be nice to myself until I believed it.” Now that she spoke it aloud, she felt silly for doing such a thing. Would a therapist recommend anything like that to a patient? She wouldn’t know. She refused to seek therapy, instead finding solace in her baking.
“And is it working?” he asked, voice just as genuine as ever when he spoke to her.
Dylan stood there, shocked for a moment that he didn’t call it stupid. Shocked that he was taking it seriously. Finally she shook her head no. “Don’t think I’d believe the words right now, if I’m being honest,” she answered softly with a sigh.
He was quiet for a moment, pressing another kiss to her hair before adding another question. “Would you believe them from me?” At that, she finally pulled back from his chest, eyes looking up at his with her brows furrowed. He removed one of his arms from around her, using his knuckles to wipe away the tears that had trailed down her cheeks. His eyes were so soft and sincere as they looked down at her—so full of love. Not a trace of the disgust or disdain that she had feared. She could only shrug her shoulders in response, unsure. Yes, hearing them from him would dispel the fear that gripped at her, but would they dispel the deeply rooted insecurities?
At her shrug, Alex pulled away, turning her by the shoulders to face the mirror, their gazes locking on the reflective surface. He looked away for a moment, brushing her hair over one of her shoulders, taking note of how her fingers grasped at the towel unsurely.
“Beautiful,” he mumbled, taking her free hand in his and running his thumb over her knuckles. “The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
Dylan felt her breathing catch in her throat as she stared at his reflection, taking note of how he looked at her with such passion in his eyes.
“Perfect,” he added. “Perfect in every way.”
Her bottom lip trembled a bit, emotions overcoming her. How had she been so lucky as to manage to get a man like him to love her?
Alex caught a glimpse of her scars peeking from the towel, curling up her shoulder like a painting meant for their eyes only. He leaned down, pressing a kiss to it, and she could only shiver at the feel, the hairs of his mustache tickling at her skin. Her eyes welled up with tears once more, though not in anger like before. No, this time it was out of the feeling of pure love and adoration she held for the man.
“Captivating. You have been since the moment I met you, even if it seemed like we were going to bite each other’s heads off.” She laughed at that, the noise choked with the emotions that had a grasp at her entire being as the tears finally rolled down her cheeks. He smiled at her laugh, and she could feel it against her skin where he kept his lips pressed to it.
His eyes peered up at hers in the mirror from over her shoulder, his arms wrapping around her waist and pulling her against him. “The biggest blessing to ever be brought into my life, and I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you—love yourself the way I do.” He pressed another kiss to her shoulder, softer than the last. “I’m so lucky to have moved in next door to you, and so lucky that you listen to music at too high of volume.” His lips moved along her skin, pressing featherlight kisses up her neck and against her cheek as she leaned further into him, her fingers coming up to entangle softly in his hair.
“I’m the lucky one here, Alex,” she spoke with quivering words, lips still trembling as she watching him through the mirror. When he spoke to her like that, she could believe anything that came from his lips. He could tell her the Earth was flat and the moon was a wheel of cheese and she would believe it. “I love you so much,” Dylan then added, voice thick with emotion.
“I love you too, my pretty little girlfriend,” Alex responded, smiling as he watched her eyes lit up in comparison to when he had first walked into the bathroom. “And I hope you remember how beautiful I find every bit of you the next time you try and shy away from me.”
She laughed softly at his words, eyes fluttering shut as she dropped her head against him.
“You believe me?” he asked after a few moments of letting her rest her head against him. She hummed.
“Might need a bit more convincing,” Dylan replied, lips curling up into an impish grin as she lifted her head to look up at his reflection, a grin that he was quick to return. She might not have felt ready just yet for the pretty blue lingerie set on her counter (one that she realized matched the pretty blues of his eyes perfectly), but she knew with his reassurance, she might actually gather the strength to soon.