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--------------- Namaari POV ---------------
“One more snack before bed, huh?” Raya asked the fussy little baby lying between them on the bed. Namaari chuckled as Dara gave a particularly loud squeak. “I guess that’s a yes!”
“Of course it is, she loves snacktime. Just like her mamas,” Raya said with a smile as she unwrapped her bindings and held the infant up to her breast. While her wife fed their daughter, Namaari went to prepare the crib at the foot of the bed, tucking in the little mattress sheet and fluffing the blankets. She smiled to herself when she heard a tiny little toot and Raya giggled.
“All set?” Raya asked her when she returned to sit next to her.
“Yes, all ready,” Namaari replied. She settled down next to her wife and they both gazed down at little Dara as she nursed.
“It’s been six weeks and I still can’t get over how her nose wiggles like that,” Raya murmured. “It’s so stinking cute.”
“Like serlot kitten ears,” Namaari said with a smile.
“Yes! Just like that. Our little kitten,” Raya said softly, leaning into her and resting her head on her shoulder. Namaari wrapped her arm around her wife and kissed her head. A soft and comfortable silence fell over the little family as Dara nursed, and Namaari’s thoughts began to stray unwillingly back to the unpleasant conversation with that Heart citizen two days ago.
She’d had Dara wrapped to her chest as she made some rounds while Raya rested and she’d come across a citizen looking for the chief. The princesses were in Heart for the early weeks of Raya’s recovery to give her the most comfortable care with the healers who knew her best, then when Dara was a little older, they’d travel to Fang for a while so Namaari could introduce her daughter to the tribe and Virana could spend some time with her granddaughter. She'd been by to visit a few times of course, but she was looking forward to a longer time together.
The plan for the foreseeable future was to continue traveling between tribes and spending chunks of time in each while another palace was built on the border, just for the new family. Architects from both tribes were working together and hoping it would be completed within the next five years or so. Dara would be raised as a princess of both tribes, and which one she would come to lead one day would depend on whether Raya and Namaari decided to adopt more children or only have her. That would be figured out in time.
However, many citizens still did not know the finer details of the future. News and updates would be spread amongst both tribes once the princesses settled into motherhood and were ready to return to politics, but for now, they were busy bonding with their baby and each other while their parents took on most of the tribal duties. Most citizens didn’t really mind the questions concerning the future and trusted the chiefs and princesses to do what was best, but it was leading to some confusion.
The Heart citizen had been understandably distracted by the little infant tucked close to her chest and Namaari had allowed her to coo over her for a few moments before redirecting the conversation back to something productive. After all, she’d been on her way back to Raya when they stumbled into each other and Dara would be needing a feeding soon.
Sure enough, Dara had woken up and started snuffling discontentedly not long after the conversation had started. The woman had immediately begun cooing over her again, going on about how cute the new Heart princess was. Namaari was a little annoyed that the woman had ignored her affiliation with Fang, but she was getting used to it. It would get a little better when they returned to Virana’s palace. But then, as Dara had started to whine, the woman had said something that Namaari just could not get over no matter how hard she tried.
“So where’s her mama? She sounds hungry, she’ll probably need to eat soon.”
As if Namaari didn’t know that.
“I’m right here. I’ll just-”
“Oh, I meant her real mama.”
Namaari had felt as if she’d been slapped. “Her… her real mama? I am her mother.”
The woman had waved her hand dismissively. “Yes yes, you’re Princess Raya’s wife. But she’s the Princess’ baby. Little Princess Dara needs her more, does she not?”
Namaari had had no response to that, instead excusing herself before she knocked the woman on her ass for her disrespect and upset Dara. Once her anger over the conversation had settled, a deep and unpleasant insecurity had begun to grow. One that had unfortunately been lurking for some time now. She was Dara’s mother… right?
The woman hadn’t been wrong when she’d said Dara needed Raya more than her. She depended on Raya for food and Raya just seemed to have a connection with her that Namaari couldn’t find yet herself. Namaari had always been good with babies and children, but now she was struggling to connect with her own daughter. Whereas Raya had always been a little more awkward with kids, but connecting with Dara was coming so naturally for her. It made Namaari feel horrible and selfish, but she almost felt… well, a little left out. A little jealous. She loved Raya and Dara more than anything, but she couldn’t shake the feeling of being the second mother. The less important one; the backup. And it felt absolutely awful.
A little snuffle brought Namaari’s attention back to the present. Dara was yawning that adorable little toothless yawn and Namaari smiled despite herself. Raya was quiet and still beside her and Namaari realized she’d fallen asleep on her shoulder. “Okay, little star, we’re gonna have to do this carefully,” Namaari whispered down to the infant in her wife’s arms. Dara blinked innocently up at her ma as she carefully slid her arm alongside Raya’s and started lifting the baby from Raya’s embrace.
At the absence of warmth and weight from her arms, Raya immediately stirred and made a small, worried sound. “It’s just me, babe. I’ve got her. She’s right here,” Namaari whispered reassuringly.
“Mmph,” Raya grunted sleepily, relaxing. Holding Dara to her chest, Namaari leaned in and gave Raya a kiss. “You just lie back and rest, I’ll take care of putting her down,” she said softly.
Raya sighed and nodded and Namaari guided her back down into the pillows. “Do you want a new wrap?” she asked Raya quietly, brushing her hair out of her face.
Raya shook her head. “Sore,” she mumbled.
“I bet,” Namaari replied. Reaching to the bedside table, she grabbed a small, soft cloth with one hand and gently patted her wife’s breasts dry before pulling up a soft sheet and tucking it around her. Raya cracked an eye open and smiled sleepily at her. Spirits, she loved seeing her wife so soft. Still holding Dara close, Namaari leaned down and kissed Raya’s forehead. “Go to sleep, love. I’ve got her tonight.”
Raya huffed another sigh and settled in deeper. It seemed she was asleep in moments.
Namaari smiled and turned her attention back to the baby girl in her arms. “Just us now, starlight.” Dara gazed up at her with those crystal blue eyes and Namaari very gently tapped her teeny little nose. She received a small snuffle in response and smiled. Draping the cloth over her shoulder, she gently placed Dara onto it and started patting her back. She continued for several minutes, but only received the smallest burp for her efforts. Dara really wasn’t all that gassy. At least, not from the top end, Namaari thought with a smile.
A little reluctant to put her down just yet since she was still awake and didn’t need to be changed yet, Namaari brought Dara back down and took the quiet moment to continue touching and stroking her baby’s soft skin, trying to memorize the feel of her so small. She wouldn’t be this small for much longer; the midwife and healers that specialized in infant and maternity care expected a growth spurt soon. Perhaps that was why she was eating so much these past few days. Poor Raya wasn’t getting much rest lately.
Dara began squirming a little more and Namaari noticed her turning her head to nuzzle into the warmth of her chest, her little mouth opening and closing slightly. Namaari glanced back at her sleeping wife as a new idea came to mind. She’d wanted so badly to carry their baby, to feel her growing inside and feel what it was like to breastfeed and give her the nourishment she needed to grow. She wanted to find that special connection she was so desperately searching for. What if…
What if she tried it? Just while Raya was sleeping. Namaari knew nothing would come out, of course, but she just wanted to see what it was like. What it felt like to have her baby need her and connect with her like that.
Quietly, a little self-conscious and not wanting to wake Raya, Namaari shifted Dara and began to unwrap her chest. Dara gave a small, indignant squeak at the temporary loss of warmth and Namaari laughed softly. “Sassy little girl, aren’t you?” she whispered. Once her wrap was completely off, with one more glance back at Raya to make sure she was still asleep, Namaari held the infant to her breast. Dara nuzzled around for a moment before she found the nipple and latched on.
Namaari stared down at her in wonder as she felt the pull of the little tongue searching for a treat. “Sorry, starlight, I’m dry as a stone in Tail,” she whispered teasingly. The infant didn’t seem to mind, though, closing her eyes and continuing to suckle lightly anyways. Namaari wondered if this situation was essentially the same principle as the pacifier lying in her crib; maybe she wasn’t actually hungry and had just wanted the comfort.
Whatever the reason, her baby seemed perfectly content with the lack of milk, suckling on while Namaari watched in delight. So this was what it was like. It was absolutely enthralling and Namaari felt tears begin to build in her eyes as she watched her baby start to drift off, her tiny fist resting against her breast and her little mouth still sucking away. Her baby. “You’re mine, too, little star,” she whispered. “That woman had no idea what she was talking about. You're my baby, too.”
--------------- POV change: Raya ---------------
Raya woke to the sound of her wife murmuring to someone. She opened her eyes and looked around and saw a surprising but heartbreakingly sweet scene. Namaari had unwrapped her chest and was holding little Dara up to her breast as if she was feeding her. Raya stared, completely entranced by the quiet little moment. She knew Namaari had wanted so badly to carry and they’d both been surprised when the magic had chosen Raya instead. To see her cradling their baby like this, mimicking breastfeeding, was simultaneously amusing and heartwarming.
“That woman had no idea what she was talking about. You’re my baby, too,” she heard Namaari whisper to the sleeping infant. What woman?
“Of course she is, who said she wasn’t?” Raya said softly, trying not to startle her wife, but she failed spectacularly.
Namaari jerked like she’d been shocked, jostling the sleeping baby roughly and immediately waking her up. Dara started crying as Namaari pulled her away from her breast, her face flushed bright red and her expression… was that shame?
“Hey, hey, easy love! It’s alright! I’m so sorry I scared you.” Raya said quickly, sitting up and scooching closer. But to her surprise, Namaari turned away, avoiding her gaze. Her body, which had been so soft and relaxed a moment ago, now radiated stress and uncertainty. She still clutched their crying daughter to her chest protectively, almost like she was afraid Raya would snatch her away.
“What’s wrong, love?” Raya asked, completely bewildered by her strange behavior.
“I’m sorry,” Namaari whispered. “I was just curious.”
“Sorry? Sorry for what? You’ve done nothing wrong. That was so cute!” Raya reassured her, but still Namaari avoided her gaze.
“Hey,” Raya said softly, gently putting her hand on her wife’s back. Namaari didn’t pull away, but she still didn’t look at her. “What’s going on, ‘Maari? I’m not upset with you. Why are you so stressed?”
For a moment, the only sound in the room was Dara’s wails and Raya longed to take her to comfort her, but she had a strange feeling that would only make things worse.
“I just… I wanted to know what it felt like,” Namaari said quietly, her cheeks and ears still flushed with embarrassment.
“There’s nothing wrong with that, love,” Raya reassured her, rubbing her back gently. “I thought it was the cutest thing, waking up to see that. And Dara certainly seemed to be enjoying it, too. But what did you mean by ‘That woman didn’t know what she was talking about?’ Did someone say something to you about Dara?”
The tears that began to build in Namaari’s eyes were answer enough.
“What happened, ‘Maari? Who said something?” Raya asked firmly.
To her surprise, Namaari suddenly turned and gave Dara to her. “You’ll quiet her down better than me,” Namaari whispered sadly.
“What…?” Raya said, completely confused. Namaari was perfectly good at quieting Dara when she was fussy. Where was this coming from? “Namaari, what happened? ”
Raya gently bounced their crying daughter while Namaari wiped away a few tears and took a deep breath. “I ran into a woman the other day while I had Dara with me. She started crying because she was hungry and the woman asked where her mother was. I said I was right there, but she asked where her real mother was. She said you were more important, that Dara needed you more than me. And I mean, she wasn’t wrong. She- ”
“ No, Namaari.” Raya interrupted, furious. How dare that woman insinuate Namaari wasn’t good enough, that she wasn’t Dara’s real mother.
“How dare she say that to you. How dare she! You are our baby’s mother. Just because you aren’t producing milk doesn’t make you less of her mother than I am. Spirit’s sake, she looks so much like you! And I love that! Just because she didn’t come from your uterus doesn't mean she’s not yours, too. It was entirely up to the magic who carried her, and I know how much you hoped it would be you. For all we know, maybe it sensed something could go wrong that would endanger the baby and you. Maybe your system just wasn’t strong enough for whatever reason. But that does not make Dara any less your child. You are her mother. ”
Namaari sniffed and wiped away another tear. “But I just… I can’t help feeling like she’s right. I feel like I’m missing something special that you have with her. I wanted to see if I could feel it by holding her like that, and I think I did; it felt so amazing. I just… I just wanted to see what it was like. It’s so nice.”
Now Raya understood why Namaari had seemed so sad and uncertain these past few days. She’d been meaning to talk to her about it but she’d just been so tired and distracted by Dara’s increased appetite and activity that it kept slipping her mind. What that woman had said must have really made her feel awful. It broke Raya’s heart to hear that Namaari felt something was missing. She’d had no idea. Namaari had been taking such good care of her and Dara that Raya hadn’t really thought to check in with her and see if she needed anything.
“I’m so sorry, love. I had no idea you felt like that,” Raya began softly. Then she felt Dara squirm in her arms, still whining and fussing, and looked down to see her little fist outstretched towards Namaari. But Namaari, still turned slightly away, didn’t notice.
“Look, babe,” Raya whispered. “Look at your daughter.”
Namaari did, and a small, almost shy smile broke over her face. Raya held Dara out to her. “She wants you, love. She wants her ma.”
Namaari held out her hands and Raya gently placed the infant in her arms. Dara’s fussing decreased almost immediately and both women smiled. “Let her suckle again, love. It’s okay.” Raya said quietly. “Don’t be embarrassed; I actually think it’s a great idea. If you both enjoy it, we should definitely do it more often. You and her, bonding time. I have her so much these days; you deserve time with her, too. I’m sorry I’ve been checked out, I had no idea you felt so left out. We’ll fix that for sure.”
Namaari glanced at her, a little hesitant, and Raya smiled and nodded encouragingly. “Go on. Let her suck.”
Sure enough, as soon as Namaari held her up to her breast, Dara latched on and immediately quieted. Raya leaned her chin on her wife’s shoulder and watched happily as the two snuggled. “Told ya. She wanted her ma.”
Namaari chuckled tearfully and nodded. Scooching back so her back was leaning against the headboard, Namaari settled in, Raya right beside her. Seeing her wife with her daughter like this filled her heart near to bursting. She had never thought to suggest it to Namaari, but now that she was doing it, it seemed so completely natural. And the sight of that soft little hand resting against her wife’s old, faded scars… the symbolism of it did not escape Raya’s notice.
Nestling up closer to Namaari’s side, Raya heaved a huge, contented sigh and Namaari chuckled. Dara would likely need to be changed soon and they’d put her down for the night after, but until then, Raya basked in the love radiating off her wife. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t thought of this before. They would definitely have to do it more often. She and Dara had been the center of everyone’s attention these past six weeks; Namaari deserved some special time now, too, even if it was only the attention of her wife and daughter. Raya had a feeling that’s what Namaari would prefer anyways. Just the three of them.
Leaning in closer, Raya kissed her wife on the cheek. “I love you so much, ‘Maari. Thank you for telling me what happened and how you felt. I will not allow anyone to think of you as second best anymore. Anyone who does will answer to me, and it will not be a fun time. You are her mama, too. We’re in this together.”
Namaari hummed and Raya smiled, leaning her head onto Namaari’s shoulder. She felt Namaari rest her head on top and they both gazed down at the little bundle in Namaari’s arms. “I love you too, Raya. Thank you.”