Chapter Text
Yeah, I tried
To get it off my mind,
To leave it all behind,
Don't wanna make it worse
I'm gonna make it work.
- Rue by girl in red
When JJ was awoken yet again, this time by her normal morning alarm, her eyelids felt like they weighed a ton.
An ache coursed through her entire body, exhaustion settling in her bones and dragging her down with the kind of heaviness only sleep deprivation can cause. She reached out to hit snooze, burying her head back into Will’s shoulder, but she could feel his eyes on her even through the fog of her sleep deprivation.
His hand was still at her waist, and it gently squeezed against her hip as he let out a heavy sigh. “Mornin’,” he mumbled.
“Don’t wanna get up,” JJ groaned in response.
“I know. C’mere,” Will said, tugging her closer to him, and she willingly snuggled into his chest with a soft, tired sigh, wrapping a leg around his.
It felt safe and warm and comforting, and for a few moments she just lay there listening to the sound of his heartbeat in his chest, the steady thumping breath her ear soothing her back into a light dose. She focused on his warmth, his strong arm around her and the firm muscle beneath her head, letting his presence chase away the nagging fear in the back of her head as she remembered the urgent meeting from last night. In his arms, in their home, Askari couldn’t get to her.
At least she hoped he wouldn’t be that brazen.
As if he knew the way her thought process was going, she felt Will squeeze her tight for a moment, and she let out a soft, sleepy hum, pressing closer against his chest. He held her like that for a few moments more, both of them silently relishing in the rare few moments of peace and intimacy at the start of the morning even as the alarm blared at them again.
“You should call in sick. You barely slept, cher,” Will mumbled, his breath warm against her forehead as he placed a kiss there, and she heard him let out a heavy sigh as he shifted to grab her phone from the bedside table to turn the alarm off.
“Can’t,” she mumbled into his chest, forcing herself to roll away and sit up as she rubbed her eyes to try to get the last bit of sleep out of them. “If I call out the team will think something’s up, and they can’t know.”
The bed shifted as Will sat up behind her, his hands on her shoulders and gently massaging the tight muscles, and JJ let her eyes slip closed again, letting herself appreciate the gentle touch of his hands.
“You’ve been lookin’ like you’re runnin’ yourself ragged for days. Weeks,” he tried to argue. “They’ll just assume you’re actually sick, because you look like you’re sick. Why would they immediately jump to the conclusion that you’re hidin’ a second job and major government secret?”
“I’m tired,” JJ said, tilting her head forward as his thumbs found a particularly deep knot in the back of her neck, making her let out a soft, almost desperate whimper. “That doesn’t mean I’m sick.”
She heard a frustrated exhale from behind her, and the hands on her shoulders stilled as Will shifted, his hands leaving her shoulders and instead wrapping around her body to gather her in his arms, gently pulling her back so her back was flush against his chest.
“C’mon, darlin’,” he said quietly. “Even if you’re not sick now, you’re gonna make yourself sick if you keep runnin’ yourself ragged like this.”
“Will…” she protested tiredly, but his arms squeezed her again, his chin coming to rest on her shoulder as he held her tight.
“No, I’m serious. You’ve been burnin’ the candle at both ends in the hopes that you can end this before it even starts. You’re gonna burn yourself out before you even find him. It ain’t worth it,” he pressed, his voice soft. “Please just take a day. Just take today to rest.”
JJ sat there for a moment, allowing herself to bask in the feeling of his arms around her and his words in her ear. Part of her wanted to stay there and do as he asked, let herself rest for the day.
But she couldn’t.
No matter how much he pleaded, no matter how much she desperately wanted to just take a day off and rest, she knew she couldn’t. So she forced herself to pull out of his arms and stand up from the bed, the loss of his warmth like a physical blow in the cold January morning.
“It’s not just my team, State’s got eyes on me. I can’t just call off.”
“You can’t just- darlin’,” Will huffed incredulously as he watched her grab her clothes for the day and start to change form the ones she hadn’t bothered to take off when she got back in the early morning. “Are you listenin’ to what I’m tellin’ you? You’re gon’ work yourself so hard that you make yourself so weak you can’t defend yourself if somethin’ does happen.”
She looked up at Will from where she stood at the dresser, grabbing a set of clean undergarments from the drawers. “I know that,” she said, her tone slightly defensive as she turned back to finish changing out of her old clothes. “But I don’t have a choice.”
Will forced himself to take a deep breath, trying not to let this turn into an argument. “Just one day, Jayje,” he said, and this time the fear and concern was clear as day in his tone. “Just one day to let yourself catch up on some sleep.”
There was a beat of silence as JJ considered his words, her hands tensing on the pants she was about to pull on. She did need the sleep. Her body was practically begging her to crawl back into bed and let herself collapse into unconsciousness and forget about everything for just a few hours.
It was hard. It was so, so hard.
But she couldn’t.
She took a shaky inhale, forcing her hands to stay steady as she grabbed a beige sweater and pulled it over her head, still refusing to look in his direction, for fear that she might actually start listening to his request.
She was about to grab a pair of boots from the closet when she felt a hand on her shoulder, and she was suddenly being turned around. Will pulled her against him, but she kept her gaze firmly down, refusing to meet his eyes.
“Look at me,” he said quietly, his hand gently coming to her chin and trying to coax her face up to his. “Please, darlin’. Please look at me.”
She didn’t want to. She didn’t want to look into his pleading eyes and see the worry and the concern and the desperation. She didn’t want to give in, not when it was so vital that she just hold on a little longer.
But she couldn’t say no to him. Not now.
JJ forced her head to tilt up, meeting Will’s eyes with her best imitation of determination.
“Just one day,” he repeated. “Just one day. That’s all I’m askin’. Please.”
She closed her eyes and inhaled shakily for a moment, biting down hard on her button lip as she tried to gather her will. But his eyes, his voice, his hands holding her close were too much. She was so tired.
“I can’t,” she said quietly, struggling to keep her voice from cracking as her eyes opened again to look into his. “I’m sorry, Will. I just… I can’t.”
Will searched her face for a long moment, his eyes tracing every sign of her exhaustion, and a look of resignation slowly settled on his features as he understood that she wasn’t going to back down.
He let out a heavy sigh, pulling her against his chest and wrapping his arms around her tightly. His hand came gently up to the back of her head, stroking her hair as he held her. “Please. Please just be careful,” he mumbled, his voice quiet against her hair. “Please just… Please come home tonight. Please.”
JJ let herself relax into him for just a moment, allowing herself to give in and to let his arms around her soothe the anxiety that was constantly gnawing at the back of her mind. Just for a moment.
Then she gently tugged herself out of his arms, forcing a small, shaky smile. “I’ll always come back home to you,” she promised. “I always do.”
“Please don’t stop doin’ that,” he mumbled, his hands still on her shoulders, not wanting to let her go just yet, and the plea in his voice was enough to make her heart ache.
She reached her own trembling hand up to cup his jaw, feeling his chin tremble under her palm as she forced a smile. “I promise,” she whispered. “I won’t.”
He let out a shuddering exhale at her promise, his hand coming to cover hers where it rested against his cheek. He turned his head to kiss her palm, closing his eyes, before finally stepping back.
“I’m gonna put on the coffee and then I’ll get Henry ready for school.”
“Thank you,” JJ said softly, watching with a heavy heart as he gave her one last, pained look before walking out of the bedroom.
For a moment she stayed, still in the same spot where he left her. She closed her eyes, letting herself just breathe and feel the guilt in her chest. She hated doing this to him.
She hated doing this to herself.
She gave herself one more moment, before taking a deep breath and forcing her feet to get moving again, grabbing her boots and going through the rest of her morning routine.
When she finally walked into the kitchen Will had already gone upstairs to wake Henry up and get him ready to go, but a plate of toast and a full mug of coffee were waiting for her on the counter. Something about the gesture, so simple but so meaningful, made her chest ache even more, and she forced herself to take a bite of toast and ignore the twisting feeling in her stomach.
She could hear Will talking to Henry upstairs, the boy’s loud laugh at something his father had said filling the house with a cheerful noise, even as the air downstairs hung heavy with worry.
The sound of running footsteps echoed from the stairs as Henry suddenly came running into the kitchen. “Momma!” he called, launching himself at JJ and wrapping his arms around her legs tightly.
She smiled, resting a hand on his back and dropping a kiss to his head. “Hey baby,” she said softly, rubbing small circles on his back and trying to ignore the knot in her throat at remembering that she had once again missed bedtime last night. “You ready for school?”
“Mm-hmm,” Henry nodded, letting her go and climbing up into a seat at the island to grab a piece of toast off her plate for himself.
Another set of footsteps came down the stairs, and JJ looked up to see Will descend dressed for work with his gun on his hip and badge hanging around his neck, walking into the kitchen and stopping to kiss her cheek as he walked past, a sad smile crossing his features.
“What time you gotta head out?” he asked, keeping his tone light for the sake of the five year old sitting beside her.
“In a few minutes,” she said, taking another sip of her coffee, her other hand still moving on Henry's back. “Once this mug is empty. You dropping this crazy boy off today, or should I?”
Henry perked up at the question, jumping in before Will had a chance to answer. “Mommy! Mommy you take me!”
JJ smiled, reaching out to brush a hand over Henry's messy hair where it stuck straight up on one side. “All right, buddy," she said. "Mommy’ll take you today.”
“You gotta hurry up and finish your breakfast, then,” Will said, coming up behind Henry and ruffling his son’s hair, making the boy squeal and duck out of the reach of his hand, causing both of his parents to laugh.
Henry quickly went back to his toast, shoving the rest into his mouth almost comically fast, and Will turned his gaze back to JJ as she drained the last of her coffee. “And you,” he said in a low voice, taking the empty mug from her hands and placing it in the sink. “Please. Be careful. Come home in one piece.”
JJ reached out to place her hand over his, his strong, calloused hand rough against her softer one. “I always do,” she reminded with a small, forced smile, but his expression was still worried, still concerned. “You do the same.”
“I will,” he said, moving closer to cup her cheek and press a soft, lingering kiss to her lips.
“Eww,” Henry said behind them, making a disgusted face at the display of affection, making his parents break apart, both rolling their eyes good-naturedly.
JJ laughed quietly, stepping out of his arms and leaning over to press a small kiss to Henry's forehead. “You, sir, are ridiculous. You’re gonna be gross like that when you’re older, too,” she teased, smiling as Henry wrinkled his nose. “C’mon, go grab your backpack and your coat.”
Henry nodded excitedly, jumping out of his chair quickly enough that he nearly tripped over his own feet and scrambling out of the room. JJ smiled and watched him leave, before sighing and taking a few deep breaths to steel herself for the day ahead.
When she turned back she was stopped by Will, grabbing her wrist and gently pulling her back to him.
He took both her hands in his, squeezing them tightly as his gaze traveled over her face, taking in every detail like it was the last time he would see her. She wanted to tell him he was getting dramatic, but the nagging feeling in the back of her head wouldn’t let her, and she found herself staring at him in the same way. He leaned in, his forehead coming to rest against hers, and she closed her eyes and let herself sink into the comfort of his touch for a moment.
There was a beat of silence, and he took a shaky breath before speaking again, his voice low and quiet. “I need you to be okay.”
“I’ll be okay,” she whispered, squeezing his hands back and forcing herself to speak with more conviction than she felt. She pulled her hands away and guided him into a deep kiss, this one with a little more force now that their little audience was busy in another room.
JJ let herself fall into the kiss for just a few moments, feel the warmth of his lips, taste of his tongue against hers, her fingertips coming up to rest on his cheeks and scratch lightly at the short hairs of the new beard he had been growing lately. For a moment, she let herself imagine leaving her worries and her fears behind, just turning and walking back to their bedroom with him, climbing into bed and staying there. She could ignore the world outside for the rest of the day, could let her body get the rest it craved and spend the time with her husband that had been lacking in the few weeks since the assignment picked up speed.
She pulled away before she could let herself give into the temptation, looking into his eyes with a forced smile.
“I’ve got to go.”
He searched her face for a moment, and she watched as a number of unspoken emotions flickered behind his eyes, but he didn’t give in to them. “Get goin’,” he said softly, giving one more squeeze to her hands. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” she said quietly, and with one last kiss to his cheek, she turned to go.
Henry was waiting beside the door, his backpack strapped over his shoulders. “I’m ready!” he announced, and JJ couldn’t stop the small smile that rose to her lips.
“I see that, you’re very punctual today,” she smiled as they left the house and got into the car. Once she had made sure he was buckled she pulled out of the driveway, letting himself chatter on about the show and tell day his class was having this Friday and all the ideas he was trying to decide between.
JJ tried to stay present as her son chattered away in the backseat. It wasn’t hard to focus on her son, Henry was as loud and excited and outgoing as any other five-year-old, and talking with him was usually one of her favorite parts of the day.
Except today.
Today she was tired. She was so, so tired, and all of a sudden she felt like she was barely clinging on to her ability to keep her eyes open, the weight of the last couple of weeks threatening to overtake her completely.
When she made it to the preschool parking lot she walked Henry inside, giving him an extra tight hug. She always did when it was her turn to drop him off at school, but today she held him longer, wondering if Will’s anxiety was starting to bleed into her.
“You have the best day, little man,” she said when she pulled away, and Henry beamed at her.
“I will! Have a good work!”
JJ ruffled his hair one more time before she stood up, watching as the little boy turned and hurried off to join his friends, already completely absorbed and distracted by whatever game they were playing in the corner of the room.
She made her way back to her car, taking a long swig of coffee before firing it up and turning towards the offices at Quantico. Now that she didn’t have her boy talking her ear off from the back seat it was even harder to focus on staying awake, and she had no idea how she was going to make it through a whole day of work. It had been weeks of 4-5 hours of sleep piling on the sleep deprivation, and she swore that last night’s events and the less than 3 hours she’d gotten was the straw that would break her back.
A series of car horns behind her jolted her upright, and she realized she had completely zoned out, or maybe fallen asleep, at a light and missed it turning green.
A wave of panic hit her as she fought to get the sleep deprivation under control by sheer willpower, her knuckles turning white where they clutched the steering wheel and stepped on the gas. She rolled the windows down deal it e the bitter cold of the January air, hoping the chill would snap her to awareness.
The rest of the drive was a blur as she tried to get the sleep from her brain and fight the bone-deep exhaustion. She practically chugged the rest of her coffee and by the time she was pulling into her usual spot in the employee parking garage she was as alert as she could be, but she had started to wonder if Will was right, if she was putting herself in more danger than she already was by working herself to the brink.
She spent a few moments in the car after switching off the ignition, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.
Focus.
She could make this work, she could do this job. She had managed it for months when Henry was a baby and she was up practically all night feeding him. Sleep deprivation and exhaustion wasn’t new. She could do this.
She got out of the car and locked it, and headed inside to her team.
She managed to make it through the morning alright with frequent refills of coffee that she let Morgan tease her about under the guise of his natural assumption of a late night with her husband, until midday when an urgent active shooter case in Cleveland that had then wheels up in under 20 minutes. And less than fifteen minutes into the flight, before she’d even gotten to tell Will that they had a case and she wouldn’t be home, the texts from Cruz and Secretary Jackson came in quick succession already asking how long she would be away.
Excuses of babysitting mixups and fake bedtime calls to Henry easily spilled from JJ’s lips any time the team gave her a questioning glance or snuck up on her mid-call with a supervisor from State over the next few days. She wondered if she should feel some kind of guilt lying so often and so easily, but after months of it she couldn’t find it in her to care anymore. She was exhausted, she was frustrated by the whole situation, and more than anything she just wanted to go home and shut it all out.
When case was finally over, right when they were so close to going home, Cruz sent her a secure contact number and a meetup location.
’Got the contact. Meet by the fountain when you get off the jet and call the number to let him know you’re there,’ his message read, and JJ almost cried.
She just wanted to go home.
She sat in the back of the plane, trying very hard to sleep while she could, but despite the bone-deep exhaustion her brain wouldn’t shut off.
By the time they were landing her frustration had built to a breaking point as every attempt to nap had resulted in her body staying stubbornly conscious or falling into fitful, unsatisfying dozes for a few minutes at most. She could feel her hands shaking and her body screaming at her to just go home, but she ignored it and grabbed her go-bag, following the rest of the team off the plane and back into the office to drop off their reports and collect whatever belongings had been left behind.
She tried to engage with Spencer when he asked her about her plans for the night, but her responses were short, her heart not in it. She almost wanted him to see through it, to ask her if she was okay, to see that her “I’m really tired” was a desperate plea for this assignment to end. She didn’t know what she would say if he actually asked, it wasn’t like she could tell him, but she wanted so badly for at least one of her friends, her work family, to look deeper than the mask that was barely covering the secrets that were driving her into the ground.
But he didn’t say anything, so with a quiet goodbye she walked to her car, tossing her go-bag in the backseat before turning the heat up to combat the brutal January air. As she started the drive get her rendezvous point she called Will, putting the phone on speaker.
He picked up quickly, sounding almost relieved. “Hey,” he said, and she could faintly hear the TV in the background. “I just put Henry to bed, but he’s probably not out yet, you wanna say goodnight to him?”
A small, exhausted smile rose to her lips at the offer, but she shook her head. “No, I should be home soon. I’ll go in and wake him up to give him a kiss when I get back.”
“Oh, you’re on your way home?” Will’s tone brightened at that. “Didn’t realize y’all wrapped the case.”
“Mmm, not quite,” JJ said with a sigh. “I’m on my way to meet a contact, so one more stop before home. Shouldn’t take long though, Cruz told me he’s just handing over a file and that’s it. I’ll be home before 9.”
“Before 9 o’clock?” Will asked, the surprise and relief evident in his tone.
JJ let out a small laugh, trying to sound genuine despite her weariness. “Yeah, sounds crazy, huh?”
“No, it sounds amazin’,” he responded immediately, and she could almost picture the smile on his face. “I was gettin’ ready to turn in early ‘cause I didn’t think you’d be home, but I can wait up for you.”
“I’d like that,” she chuckled lightly, her heart feeling a little bit lighter at the love in his voice.
“Then it’s a date, darlin’,” Will said. “A peaceful, cuddlin’, fall asleep as early as possible date.”
She smiled, longing swelling in her chest. “Mhm, sounds perfect. I have to go, I’m pulling up on my meeting spot,” she said softly. “I’ll be home as soon as I can, I promise.”
“Okay, darlin’, just be safe,” Will said, the anxious time he’d had when she last saw him a few days ago returning. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she replied quietly, almost whispering. She let them both sit in the silence for a moment, but eventually she made herself hang up, quickly parallel parking along Constitution Avenue and walking to the fountain. She pulled her jacket tight around her, an odd feeling creeping up the back of her neck. The area was empty, and although she was warned that the contact wouldn’t be waiting, that she would have to call him first, there was something wrong about the solitude.
She tried to push the feeling away, but still felt uneasy as she got her phone out to call. The phone rang several times, and the odd feeling intensified as time ticked by with no answer. Her skin started to prickle and her instincts kicked in, telling her something was just off.
The phone made it to the third ring, and then a gloved hand wrapped around her face from behind, clamping her mouth closed before she could scream. She was yanked backwards and held firmly in the arms of a strong, large body, and Will’s words from a few days ago, the last time she saw him, rang in her head…
‘I need you to be okay…’
‘Come home in one piece…’
She tried to fight back, but the sickeningly sweet smell of chloroform hit her nostrils, and the whole world…
went…
black...