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To be honest if someone had asked him he would’ve assumed Robby loved Christmas, it just seemed like it would fit with his overall enthusiasm and sweet personality. So when they had finally gotten together during their sophomore year of college he’d just thought that it was something they would celebrate together and it was something he’d been looking forward to a bit more than he wanted to admit.
Which is why Robby’s reaction had surprised him so much, the blank expression and slightly turned down lips that clearly showed his displeasure at finding the small Christmas tree in the living room of their apartment. “Why do we have a tree?” He asks, sounding almost annoyed and he has to admit the tone surprises him a little bit because Robby’s usually very easy going “For Christmas” he answers a bit shocked and not trying to be as short as it probably comes off because his boyfriend flinches slightly.
“I’m sorry I just figured that since you don’t live with your mom anymore you wouldn’t celebrate that sort of thing” the comment only serves to confuse him more because he has no idea what living at home would have to do with Christmas. “It’s fine baby but honestly I don’t get what the holidays have to do living at home?” He’s hesitant to ask when Robby is acting so unusual because he doesn’t have his normal read on the situation.
“I mean you don’t go to church anymore since moving out so I assumed this would be the same?” He mutters while pulling his soaked sneakers off and then removing his sodden jeans and hoodie until he’s standing in the entryway in his underwear and t-shirt looking like he’s had a very long day. It had been raining off and on and he’d only had to leave the apartment during a break in the storm to get the tree because he didn’t have any classes today but Robby had been gone the entire day without any chances to warm up or dry off. “Well yeah I guess but I wasn’t trying to drag you to church or anything, I just thought we would decorate and stuff for fun” He gets a little shake of his boyfriends head in response “Sorry I don’t really like holidays” Robby responds before picking his wet clothes up and disappearing into the bedroom.
The reaction leaves him shocked and he just kind of stares blankly at the hallway until it finally hits him that Robby isn’t coming back out, he finally turns away to look at the sad little cardboard box tucked under the coffee table full of christmas lights and ornaments he’d planned on using to decorate the tree with Robby tonight. He has to admit that it stings because he does love Christmas for so many reasons that have nothing to do with his religious upbringing and he wanted to share that with Robby so much.
A small quiet part of him knows that if it was actually just a random preference like Robby made it out to be he wouldn’t have a problem decorating the tree anyway but a much more dominant part of him can’t help feeling the familiar sting of rejection his boyfriends actions have caused. It’s not something he blames on Robby- he knows he’s way too sensitive to rejection and he can’t magically erase that response but even after working on it a lot since high school it feels worse coming from Roby who was the person he trusted the most even before they started dating.
There's an undeniable tension in the air all evening and dinner is silent making him fret even more, he doesn’t calm down until Robby draws him into his arms and holds him until they’re both asleep.
In the coming weeks Miguel’s Christmas decorations stay in their neat little boxes which they both pretend not to notice and Robby’s eyes land anywhere but the sad little tree. It’s almost like a stalemate, waiting to see who will say something first but one thing is for certain, it’s not the cuddly Holiday season with his boyfriend that he’d expected.
And the more he stews the more upset and hurt he feels, eventually it’s the twentieth and he still hasn’t watched a Christmas movie yet so he throws himself down on the couch and puts on Elf. He determinedly ignores the phone buzzing in his hand and eventually the sound of the door opening, he’s determined to ignore Robby as well just because he’s hurt and feeling particularly petty but then he hears a sniffle and a breathy sob.
Turning around so fast his neck cracks he sees Robby standing in the doorway with tears all down his flushed cheeks, he has a heavy oatmeal colored wool coat on and a green scarf that would make his eyes look downright stunning if not for how bloodshot they are. “I don’t know what to do” Robby sobs, “I tried calling you I can't-“ he’s on his feet but he doesn’t make it across the room fast enough to keep Robby from staggering into the wall.
“Hey it’s okay I’m sorry I didn’t answer my phone” he whispers into Robby’s matching beanie where his hair is coming loose but he just keeps shaking his head. “I ruin everything,” Robby sobs and he opens his mouth to protest but Robby just presses a finger to his lips as tears continue rolling down his pink cheeks “Don’t lie to me, I know it’s true.”
Sighing he drags Robby across the apartment over to the couch and pulls his soaked coat, gloves, scarf, and hat which he throws on the arm chair. Pulling Robby down he squeezes him tightly until his crying and mumbling slows down and eventually stops.
It's quiet for a minute before he finds his voice again “Do you want to talk about it?” Robby shrugs but the lack of immediate protest makes it clear he will. “I’m sorry for ruining your Christmas” He finally blurts out “You should just break up with me now before I ruin everything else as well-“
He cuts Robby off with another sigh, he hates when his boyfriend gets like this. “Darling it’s-“ Robby shakes his head stubbornly and scrubs at his face with a sweatshirt sleeve “Stop it I can’t- I can’t do this anymore” he murmurs before collapsing into himself with a sob.
For a second he’s just completely frozen in place staring with his mouth slightly parted as Robby starts hyperventilating with the force of his tears. “Hey love you need to take a deep breath,” he soothes worried that this time Robby can’t even manage a protest around his heavy hating.
He’s shaking his head and tugging at his hair with one hand while the other rubs at his chest. “Look at me baby” he coos, cupping Robby’s wet red cheeks as his chest heaves. “I’m dying Miggy,” his boyfriend gasps and he shakes his head.
“You’re not dying mi amor you’re just having a panic attack, take a deep breath we’ve done this before it’ll be okay.” Robby is hardly breathing at this point and he’s whites as a sheet, when it becomes clear that rubbing his boyfriends shoulders isn’t going to be grounding enough.
“Alright love here we are,” he murmurs while fishing an ice cube out of his glass and dropping it into Robby’s calloused palms “just squeeze like we practiced okay?” Robby nods and he brushes hair away from his eyes and kisses his forehead.
“Five things you can feel?” He prompts and after a few more gasps Robby manages words “My heart beating, my sweater, rings, ice, your hands.”
He nods and smoothes Robby’s hair back again “Good boy, four things you can see” and even in the middle of a panic attack his boyfriend shudders at the term of endearment “Coat, boxes, tree, you.”
Already his breathing has improved a lot and he rubs Robby’s back gently “Three things you can hear” a short nod “Um I don’t know,” Robby murmurs as he rubs his back “Fridge, rain, your breathing.”
Robby takes a deep breath and he’s tempted to tell him how proud he is but ultimately decides it’s not worth distracting him over. “Two things you smell,” he whispers against Robby’s soft curls “Rain, you.”
He nods and kisses his boyfriend's flushed wet cheek, then his jaw, and finally his lips. “You,” Robby whispers without being prompted and he smiles sadly as he pulls away from the embrace.
Because his boyfriend's hands are still shaking he kneels down and carefully unlaces the black boots on his feet before fetching a blanket and wrapping him up in it on the couch. The tips of Robby’s hair are wet from sticking out under the beanie and they’re dripping down his cheeks, on top of this his skin is ice cold and he looks overwhelmingly miserable.
“You’re gonna get sick,” he frets while digging through their blanket basket and piling another throw on top of his disgruntled looking boyfriend. “Migs-“ it’s only when he glances up that he realizes how frantic he’s being. “Sorry, I’m just worried” Robby glances down at the words and hums awkwardly “can we talk about it?”
Robby tenses and his ice cold hands tighten on his knee “We celebrated Christmas when I was a kid, sometimes my mom even stayed home with me for the whole day. She even got me gifts a few times and we’d have hot chocolate and pizza and watch movies until she passed out. Then she didn’t, she started bringing home more guys and drugs. Then she just stopped coming home completely.” He swallows thickly and he can feel his boyfriends hands shaking in his as Robby struggles to keep from crying.
“I used to sit in the apartment by myself in the dark eating stale cereal and looking at the neighbors lights, it was a shithole building Miggy but I was the only one alone. Even if it was just a string of lights or a stupid little tree or a menorah everyone had something and I was alone. I don’t like thinking about it.” Robby finishes in a whisper looking devastated and embarrassed in equal parts as he avoids eye contact diligently.
“I hear you I promise but Christmas is important to me because of those memories and even though I’m not catholic anymore it was still an important part of my life and I want to celebrate the good parts of that. I was excited to share it with you but I understand if it’s not something you’re comfortable with I just think we should talk about how we can both spend the holidays in a way that works for us.”
Blinking back tears Robby grips at his arm “I want it to be good but it just makes me remember how alone I used to feel” he admits, wiping away a few more tears. “I’m sorry I understand better now why it’s hard for you- what if we just try it and if it’s too much for you I’ll stop okay?” Robby looks hesitant but nods in agreement, leaning into him more. “Okay carino why don’t I draw a bath for you?” He offers gently and as confused as Robby looks at the offer he nods into his chest.
Pulling him off of the crappy old couch he gently stears Robby down the hall to their bathroom, sitting him on the toilet as he turns on the bath. For the time it takes for the rub to fill they sit in silence, he doesn’t add bubbles because Robby’s not a fan but he does put in bath salts and a lavender bath bomb that has Robby’s eyelids drooping before he even gets in. Gently he helps his boyfriend pull off the rest of his cold damp clothes before helping him into the tub.
Automatically Robby scoots forward to make room for him but he shakes his head softly “This time it’s just for you mi amor, I’ve got something else to get ready.” That elicits an unhappy whine from Robby whose pouting is kind of cute but also sad with how his eyes are a little wet again and his lip is quivering. “Trust me sweetheart? I promise I’ve got something I’m working on that I think you’ll enjoy” still frowning Robby nods a little and sinks more into the bath.
Giving him a quick kiss on his flushed cheek before ducking out into the living room. As quickly as possible he starts stringing up some lights around the hallway and windows before decorating the tree, he thinks it might be too much to try and have Robby decorate the tree so he does it as quickly as he can. Luckily it’s quick because the trees fairly small and he even manages to get a few more decorations up before he hears Robby open the bathroom door and pass down the fairway to their room to dry off and get dressed.
He’s already in sweats so he plugs in the electric blanket and pours the heated milk into their mugs with the hot cocoa and grabs his stash of Christmas cookies from the pantry to set out for them. He’s just finished queuing up a few Christmas movies on the TV when Robby comes back down the hallway “Can I come out?” He asks anxiously and he really hopes he can’t fucked up worse with this- he just wants Robby to see how it can be.
“Of course love” he says, trying to push down the nervousness as Robby steps into the room. His eyes widen immediately and he looks shocked, whatever he was expecting this certainly wasn’t it and it strikes him that he might’ve fucked up badly. “I just thought that maybe making some happy Christmas memories, with me, might make you feel not so sad and lonely about everything?” It comes out like a question and Robby just stares as a few tears roll down his cheeks.
He definitely fucked up.
Oh god what if he sends Robby into a full blown depressive episode? He has them more this time of year already and he clearly hasn’t been doing fantastically and he’d been so upset he’d been half ignoring it when Robby slept too much or didn’t shower or started into space or got upset about stupid things like Christmas trees.
He suddenly feels like the shittiest boyfriend ever.
But before he can apologize Robby is barreling into his arms with a choked noise, pressing his face into his neck as he hesitantly wraps his arms around him. He smells like lavender, even more than he usually does and it’s calming to him as well.
“Thank you” Robby whispers “I want to try, I just- please don’t be upset if it doesn’t make me happy, either way the fact that you care enough to do this helps.” Nodding he kisses Robby’s forehead and brushes away the tears from his cheeks. He’s wearing his favorite pajamas, the purple ones they got at target with the super soft loose pants patterned with Wisteria blossoms that match the lavender colored t-shirt with a slightly darker purple cardigan.
He looks absolutely adorable and he thinks about how Robby only dresses like this in front of him. About how nobody else sees him dressed in soft pastel purple shades and smelling like lavender surrounded by warm white Christmas lights that shine in his damp hair.
“Of course mi amor, I want this to be good for you and if it’s not I’ll take it down and we’ll try to come up with a better way to make the holidays work for both of us.” Nodding again Robby shuffles closer, he’s wearing fuzzy brown bear socks that do not match the rest of his outfit and it’s so fucking endearing he has to lead them both to the couch immidiately before he melts into a puddle on the floor from the sight.
“Is this how you celebrated Christmas growing up?” Robby asks as he snuggles in under the blanket with him as he laughs. “No this is much- whiter. In Ecuador it’s a very religious holiday so we have different traditions. But growing up I wanted to do American traditions like having a tree as well because it’s how my friends celebrated so we always did both.” Frowning Robby looks down at his hands “We can do those traditions too if you want” he offers softly, somehow managing to seem less excited than earlier as he wrings his hands.
He knows Robby has issues with religion, that his mom was a part of some weird group no one had ever heard of that managed to hurt Robby enough that he flinches at any sign of religious anything. When they finally got together he’d admitted he wasn’t sure he could be in a relationship with someone who was religious, making it clear he didn’t want him to change for him, he just felt the need to be honest.
But he’d been more than ready to let go of that anyway because even though he’d been relatively lucky all things considered with his family- being queer in the church was never a good experience. He can’t help thinking of how angry he’d been at himself and at Robby when they met just for how fucking pretty he was. How he’d been so jealous and so convinced Sam would choose him because how could anyone not choose someone that beautiful? The years spent obsessed with each other, hurting each other, fucking up everything around them because he couldn’t admit he liked a boy.
“No I don’t really want to be a part of that anymore, I’d rather leave it in the past where it can just be something good from my childhood.” He admits and Robby relaxes a little at the response, humming as he snuggles more into his chest, repositioning the blankets around them. “Okay” he says softly and it takes all his self control not to just let Robby fall asleep on him right now.
“So our plan tonight is to watch some Christmas movies, do you have any favorites?” He asks tentatively and Robby tenses up a little again “Um- my mom used to put on Frosty and Rudolph when I was really little but I don’t want to watch those ones.” He admits as he unpauses it, probably a good thing to keep in mind that new things are going to go over better than trying to recreate any childhood memories Robby has. “Perfect sweetheart because I have something picked out that I think you’ll love.”
Perking up a little, Robby glances at the TV as the opening credits of Love Actually play on the screen. It might not be his favorite but he’d thought of Robby the first time Sam made him watch it and he looks totally enraptured already. Feeling an odd mix of pride and relief he starts carding his fingers through Robby’s hair as the movie starts.
He smells better than anything else in the entire world, the soft lavender and vanilla drifting off his skin and hair and mixing with the light pine scent from their tree. Robby’s hands are warm from clutching the mug as he occasionally reaches for his hand to fidget with his fingers between drinking sips of cocoa. It’s still not quite the easy enthusiasm he would’ve expected but that doesn’t make it less special.
Softer, sweeter, scented with that odd mix of lavender and pine that might be his new favorite thing.
By the end of the first movie Robby’s hesitation has practically vanished. They go through several more movies like that, with him doing his best not to pick anything he thinks Shannon might have shown him as a kid. Three movies in and Robby finally dozes off with a soft peaceful expression on his face, it’s easily the most relaxed he’s looked in weeks and that’s the best Christmas present he ever could have wished for. Since they ordered in an hour ago he lets him sleep, switching Elf back on to watch the ending.
By the time it’s over he can barely keep his eyes open shaking Robby awake gently as he barely cracks his eyes open. The sliver of green appears just long enough for Robby to determine he’s safe and then he’s closing them again and snuggling more into the couch. Feeling a small amused smile creep over his face he gently starts playing with Robby’s hair “Sweetheart it’s time to come to bed” he murmurs as Robby grunts.
“M’ not moving” he mumbles into the pillow and he rolls his eyes before scooping Robby up, blanket and all, and staggering down the hallway. He finally drops Robby on the bed he groans in protest and pushes him away with clumsy hands, sighing he goes to brush his teeth before flopping back into bed with Robby.
It takes a lot of manhandling and a few misplaced limbs before he finally gets them both into a comfortable position with Robby sprawled clumsily across his chest. His mouth is open and he’s drooling slightly on his t-shirt but he can’t bring himself to care as Robby shifts slightly and wiggles closer, wedging his thigh between his legs and huffing out a breath.
“Thanks” he mumbles thickly into his neck and he smiles as he rubs Robby’s shoulders “Of course sweetheart, I’m glad you had fun.” He says it as evenly as possible in an effort to keep the emotional weight of the conversation from weighing on him, the last thing he’d want is to overwhelm Robby. “Do you think we could do another Christmas thing tomorrow?” Robby asks tentatively “I know I made a big deal about it but with you I had fun.”
Biting back the wave of emotion he smoothes Robby’s hair back and kisses his forehead “I’d love that” he whispers as Robby mumbles something unintelligible and relaxes more against him. He doesn’t bother saying anything else because it’s late but the ideas are already rushing through him of what little things they could do that aren’t too overwhelming.
Just something to keep showing Robby how special Christmas should be.