Work Text:
It was Christmas Eve, and everyone (presumably, Sneve hadn't checked yet) was sound asleep in their homes.
Not Sneve (and his roommate Shadow), though. He had an important duty tonight.
"You sure this is a good idea?" asked Shadow, as he helped pack the blazeborn's sack of presents. "I'm not exactly the most unbiased person to be picking out gifts for this. You understand that, right?"
"'Course I do!" Sneve drew on a lopsided fake beard in the mirror. "I'm not the most moral person tonight, man, I'm breaking into everyone's houses!"
"You're Santa Claus, though. He's the good guy."
"You're pro-breaking-and-entering?"
"Good point." Shadow fidgeted with one of the presents.
"Good point?"
"I mean, I'm basically pro-murder. I can't be anti-lesser-crimes."
"I can, but maybe you can't." Sneve double-checked himself in the mirror and readjusted his cheap costume-y jacket, before turning around with a flourish. "I think I'm ready for the night!"
"Good luck." Shadow handed him the bag.
"'Good luck'? What, do you think they're going to eat me or something?" He took it.
"You never know."
He walked to the door. "Not with this crowd, that's for sure." Pushing open the door, he added, "Good luck to you too!"
Now, even though Sneve basically had a plan, it didn't mean he knew what to do when he stepped out. The first thing he did (which he probably should've done before leaving) was make sure he brought the stacks of cobble.
You see, coal is actually kind of useful, so he'd needed another gift for those who didn't deserve something actually good. He had decided on cobble, so people who didn't build the chimneys that an anonymous sign at spawn asked them for this year could build them for next time! He was so considerate and handsome, not to mention humble!
Oh, the abyss watcher! Why didn't he check for that before he left either? He had it, but it still wasn't very responsible of him- nothing he ever did was responsible.
Now that he knew with at least 20% certainty he had brought everything, he could head out. He skimmed the list of waystones, picking a house based on purely empirical means known as 'vibes'. (Very scientific, you should look into it sometime.)
-
The first base he visited was Legundo's, which might've been a bad decision, given that Legundo himself was apparently still awake, and staring in the general direction of his waystone.
"What the- on Earth are you doing, Sneve?" Legs asked incredulously. "And what are you wearing?"
"Delivering gifts. And I'm wearing my most festive of fineries, you uncultured swine!" Sneve began walking over to the piglin, who was visibly trying to not reach for his crossbow.
"... Do you have something for me, then?"
"Yeah, did you think I was meeting you here for a dinner reservation or something?" He rummaged around in the bag, eventually taking out a mostly rectangular present with Legs' name on the side.
"That's a soul lantern, isn't it?" Legs did start to reach for his crossbow this time.
"Shadow helped me pick the presents! I'm a busy man!" Sneve ripped off a piece of the wrapping paper to reveal an unlit soul lantern. "I can switch your gift with someone else's, hold on, uh.... Viking's not the type to hold a grudge, right?"
Legundo quirked an eyebrow. "... Sure. I'll take the risk."
Sneve handed off the present and a stack of cobble. He actually picked this one out himself - a redstone block, a gift almost as good for a rich businessman as it is for someone who can phase through walls. "Merry Christmas, and good luck!" he said casually, before running back to the waystone and going to the next house.
-
Joy had a roof with a chimney on it - practically luxury compared to the last place! She definitely could be awake at this hour, though, so he had to be careful as he set off a firework rocket and flew up to the roof with a huge sack of presents hitting against his boots.
He clamored up the chimney. Looking down it, he saw that the lights were still on, but the fireplace seemed to have burned out. He slid down, getting soot on his vibrant red and white getup. (Damn fanon!)
He had been apprehensive going in, but when he didn't hear any reaction, he stepped out of the fireplace and stood up.
Joy was passed out on her desk, documents and a potion or two strewn on the floor. He looked to see if she was breathing, and when she was, he shot her a thumbs-up and a "Merry Christmas," before leaving her gift by the fireplace and exiting through the door.
He didn't even have to wish her luck this time, as he knew for a fact that her gift was a rabbit's foot on a necklace.
Next house!
-
Sneve had hoped to put Grady's gift in his tavern, as a nice little surprise, but the enderian was asleep at the reception desk. This would be a bit more complicated.
You see, because Sneve was such a wonderful and kind (and humble, don't forget) man, he had decided to give Grady infinite gifts shot out of a dispenser. Now, redstone wasn't his strong suit, so he had a tutorial printed out for even a contraption as simple as this.
He placed the second observer, and-
clickclickclickclick
"Mm?" Grady murmured - who knew that it'd be hard to sleep through a noise as grating as that?
Well, it's not like the clock was getting any quieter, so Sneve slipped the eggs into the dispenser and ran out of there, the noises behind him getting even louder.
"Merry Christmas!" he called out behind him, rushing to the waystone.
-
He flew up to Nuke's roof, breathing in the plume of smoke coming from the chimney. It was way too cold out for him, of all people, do be doing this, especially in that thin costume! As he climbed in, the warmth enveloped him, and he carefully held the sack of presents close to his chest as his clothes rubbed against the sides.
Nuke, just audible through the wall, seemed to be pacing and talking to himself. "I didn't know Santa was real! If I were to kill a mythical figure, I'd at least want it to be on purpose!"
Sneve landed in the fireplace completely sideways with a great deal of grace and poise.
Nuke stared back at him, stunned, before doubling over in laughter. "Oh my God, Sneve, you got me! I heard the rustling and was like-!"
"Thanks! I didn't mean to." He sat up. "By the way, I need to be delivering some presents, and-"
"Oh, so I did catch Santa after all!"
"You did! Can you not kill me, though? I have a lot more people to get through."
"Fine." The angel smiled. "So, about those presents?"
"Uh, hold on." Sneve got out of the fireplace and brushed some of the soot off his clothes with his equally dirty hands, before rummaging through his sack. "Here!" He refused to let Shadow pick this present, so he knew exactly what it was: roughly half a stack of candles, to remind Nuke of Icarus.
"Thank you! Good luck on delivering the rest of the gifts!"
"Merry Christmas to you too!" Before he could explain himself, Sneve ran out the door.
-
Sticking out of the ground above Viking’s base like a sore thumb - or, well, any thumb sticking out of the ground would be noticeable - was a chimney, rising about 8 blocks above the ground.
“Took the sign a little too seriously, huh?” Sneve commented to himself, setting off into the air. After a lot of struggling, he eventually managed to get into the power move some would call a chimney after flying several circles around it.
One problem he noticed rather quickly with this unit was that it was quite long. He had no idea when he’d reach the bottom, and chances were that he’d die of fall damage when he did.
It was getting warmer. Viking had lit a fire- he must've thought whoever asked for those chimneys couldn’t touch fire! Why would they have done that?
“Too bad for him!” Sneve snickered.
Fire.
He sat up.
He had hit the bottom, and staring at him from like 5 inches away was Viking.
“Sneve! Come on, man, I was trying to kill Santa Claus!” The ghost crossed his arms.
“And you missed.” Sneve scooted out of the fireplace and into the new little living room Viking had presumably built to go with it. “Why were you even trying to do that, by the way? What do you gain?”
Viking dropped his voice. “The glory.”
“The glory of killing dangerous monster Santa Claus?”
“I- hey. Hey, man,” he sulked. “Anyway, if Santa is here… do you have a present for me?”
“I do, actually!” Sneve reached into his inventory. “This place looks really nice - honestly! - and I have the perfect gift for the building type like yourself.” He pulled out a stack of cobble, placing it gingerly in front of the ghost.
Viking didn’t respond for a while, just looking down at the blocks and back up at Sneve.
“Who put you up to this?” he finally asked.
“You think I have to outsource my bad ideas?” The man covered in soot head-to-toe put a gloved hand on his chest in mock offense. “I can come up with those myself!”
“Was it Shadow?”
“No?”
“Legundo.”
“Wrong again! You suck at this, man.” He stood up. "By the way, where's your nearest waystone or exit?"
Viking dropped his voice again and put his hand on the hilt of his sword. "You'll never know."
"Oh." Sneve pulled the abyss watcher out of his inventory. "Well, goodbye and Merry Christmas, tube thief!"
-
The rest of the night didn't go very notably.
He was concerned that Taneesha would still be awake and drive him out of the house, but she was asleep. Mongo was asleep and even had a chimney, somehow? Fix might have been doing something interesting, but he was impossible to find in that base of his! Jamie had already gotten her present a couple days earlier, thanks to Shadow. Finally, Brock's house looked like a tornado ran through it or something, and he was nowhere to be found.
Sneve had placed the final gift, one Shadow had picked out, on a relatively clear patch of floor. He hoped Brock would see it one day.
-
Sneve opened his door, using all the strength in his body to not fall over the second he felt any warmth, and to instead fall over after stepping in.
"Welcome back. How'd it go?" Shadow stood up to close the door behind the poor blazeborn.
"Cold. Very cold, yeah." Sneve rolled over. "Uh, it went well, I think! Absolutely not doing this next year, though, I'll tell you that."
His roommate chuckled. "Should I do it next time, then?"
"Sounds like a plan. But, uh, good luck."