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You Can (Not) Connect

Chapter 8: All Is Right With The World

Summary:

After all that had happened, I felt it was appropriate to finally see how it would all end, and even if it hurt, I knew Kaworu would be there when I needed him.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Hours later, I found myself sitting listlessly in Kaji's car, my eyes glued to the scenery rushing past the window as if I would somehow be able to tell we were close to Kaworu's house.

Immediately upon finishing the letter, I dragged Kaji out of the teahouse as well as I could, muttering all manner of frantic ramblings about getting to him as quickly as possible. I was narrowmindedly focused on leaving, feeling as if enough time had been wasted already. Had I known this days ago, even that would have felt too late, and I didn't want to let myself entertain the thought that it already was.

Since Kaji had more presence of mind at that time than I did, he slowed me down when we got in the car, explaining that he had to at least GPS the address on the envelope before we could get anywhere. While that made sense, he wasn't typing quickly enough for my taste, and I couldn't stop my entire body from shaking with urgency and anxiety. He pulled out of the parking lot and immediately set off, giving Misato a quick call to let her know where we were going. It would be a long drive, but luckily Kaji wasn't one to mind the speed limit very often so I hoped that would make a difference.

Kaji put on some sort of soothing jazz and tried to ease the tension as much as he could by talking to me, but I couldn't hear any of it. My eyes were darting rapidly about the landscape outside the window, and I had to keep wiping them because they were watering up with the threat of tears, but I couldn't cry now. I had to keep them open, I had to watch everything and not miss a moment, and the only times I could muster up a word or two, they were to the effect of "Drive faster."

I don't know exactly how long the trip took, but I know we reached Takayama well after nightfall. There was a bit of confusion as the GPS had us turned around a few times, but we later found out that was because the apartment complex itself was in a rather isolated part of town, at the end of a very confusing and almost labarynthine set of side streets. Before Kaji had brought the car to a full stop in the parking lot, I was already tearing off my seatbelt and pushing the door open, and he fumbled around for a few seconds turning everything off and locking the doors to trot up behind me.

"Shinji, hold up," he said almost breathlessly as he finally caught up to me, and even with his long stride he struggled a bit to keep up with the brisk pace I maintained. "Just wait a second! You don't even know what the apartment number is."

"Then quit wasting time and tell me, please." I said sharply, not stopping and glancing at each door for some sign of one that belonged to Kaworu, but a little irritated that they all looked exactly the same.

"I will just, just wait." Kaji cut in and grabbed my arm, forcefully stopping me and gripping me to the point that I couldn't pull away. "Do you even know what you're going to do when you get there? I mean you've got to think this through for a second and--"

"I've done enough thinking!" I screamed and tore my arm away from him, staring at him with livid eyes and a steadily reddening face. "All this time I've just been thinking, thinking, thinking, and where has that gotten me? You're the one that told me its better not to think too much and just do what feels right!"

He paused for a long time, searching my features before opening his mouth to say something else but I cut him off.

"Look, I know you're just trying to help, but all the time you're wasting trying to get me to calm down and think, I could be using that to search every door in the whole complex if I have to, and find it much faster," I was shaking again, and tears were streaming down my face but my arms felt like they were made of concrete and my hands were frozen into fists. "I don't know what I'm going to do when I get there, but I can figure that out when the time comes, because thinking ahead won't help. If I think ahead all I can see is..."

I went silent because I felt like I would choke, but I can tell he got it. Maybe because he didn't know Kaworu like I did, he didn't understand fully what depths of sadness we could sink to and the types of things they would make us think about and do. Maybe because he hadn't seen the faded and timeworn scars on Kaworu's wrists and legs, or because he didn't know that I had thought about the same thing countless times before. Whatever it was that kept him from understanding, it was gone now, and he understood me.

"It's thirteen," he said quietly, smoothing his hands through his hair and starting off toward the building again. "The apartment number, I mean. The first floor looks like it's one through ten, so I'm guessing its on the second floor."

Silently thankful, I followed after him and we climbed the stairs together, both of our paces brisk and hurried even as we made our way down the narrow balcony of the second floor. After some walking, I noticed one of the doors was open and there was a dull orange light spilling out onto the concrete. I approached a bit more slowly at this sight, and my heart dropped when I realized that it was indeed number thirteen. In an instant, a million horrific possibilities flooded into my mind, none of them coherent or solid enough to grasp and make any sense of. I dragged myself hesitantly toward the door, swallowing hard before stepping inside, too preoccupied to bother with taking my shoes off or even announcing myself.

The apartment itself consisted of one fairly small room, very lightly furnished with nothing but a tall lamp overlooking a low, blanketed table in the middle of the floor that housed a laptop. There was also a cubicle of a bathroom, a little nook of a kitchen and what looked like a closet in the corner, the door open and light flooding out of that as well. I have to find him, he has to be here, he has to be alright, was all I could think as I scanned the room. There were very few places he could be if he weren't immediately visible to me in this small space, but my eyes hovered on the closet.

I heard a cough and a grunt, and the steady creak of wooden floorboards as someone shuffled out of it. The voice was far too gruff and weary to be Kaworu’s, and I wondered with peaking horror if I was in the wrong place. Before I could leave and double check, an old man emerged with his back facing to the room. He didn’t seem to notice me until he had turned off the light and closed the closet door, stopping in his tracks once he turned around to blink at me. Even in the dim light, I could see that he was olive-skinned and ripe with age, his hair a deep, dusty grey and pulled back neatly against his head. His eyes were narrow and heavy with bags, but there was a quiet warmth about him that kept me from being afraid.

“Oh, hello,” he said, sounding more pleasantly surprised than angry that we had walked into his apartment. “May I help you two with something?”

“I-I...um...,” I stammered, my voice trembling as I tried to explain myself. “I-I’m sorry, sir...I’m...looking for someone. There isn’t...I mean, um...would there happen to be a boy, living here too, by any chance?”

“Do you mean Kaworu?” he said and I was overcome with a veritable flood of relief. “Are you a friend of his?”

“Yes! Yes, I’m his...friend...sort of,” I said, walking up to him and wringing the sad little envelope to crinkled shreds in my nervous fingers. “Does he live here? Is he okay? Please, I...I really need to find him.”

“I suppose you haven’t heard, my boy,” he said, his tone a little more solemn as he shifted the pile of clothes he had been holding in his arms and approached me. “He had an accident. I was actually on my way to see him in the hospital.”

“The...hospital?” I said, gripping my chest hard as I felt a painful weight drop to the depths of my ribcage. On the one had, I was terrified that this “accident” was exactly what I had feared, and that I had been too late. On the other hand, if this man knew him, and was going to see him, that would mean he was still alive. There was still some hope, however slim it was.

There was a heavy silence between us. I was at a complete loss for words, and I felt like I should say something, but nothing about this man’s posture pressured me to do so. Indeed, he seemed to be watching and analyzing me, and somehow seemed to read and understand my emotions the way Kaworu used to so many times before. Though he said nothing, I knew I didn’t have to explain, and my look of fear and confusion turned to one of pleading.

"Sorry to intrude like this, sir, we didn't mean to--" Kaji started, but the man chuckled a little and held up his hand.

“Not at all. I'm just not used to Kaworu expecting visitors. He can be a bit of a shut-in sometimes," he said lightly, shifting the load in his arms. "If you'd like, you two could come with me."

"Are you sure? I mean, we wouldn't want to impose, and it might be awkward to--"

"Of course I'm sure, otherwise I wouldn't have offered," the man said with a smile, then placed a surprisingly warm and gentle hand on my shoulder “I think he would enjoy the company.”

I let him lead me out of the apartment, pausing as he stopped to turn off the light and slip on his shoes before stepping over the threshold and locking the door behind us.

The man offered to let me ride with him, and Kaji assented to it, ensuring me that he would follow behind in his car. I felt a little strange, still worried and anxious, but also curious as to who this man was to Kaworu and why he was being so nice.

The ride was calm and almost dead silent, nothing but the dull hum of wind outside and the occasional breath of other cars passing us. I curled up in the seat and turned to stare out of the window, focusing intently on the trails of streetlamps as we passed them, trying not to think anymore for the moment.

“He’s told me a little about you, you know” the man said suddenly, and though I didn’t make any moves that indicated I was listening, he continued. “I've never heard him speak so animatedly about anyone before. He has a way with people, Kaworu does. They seem to like him very easily, but I know he’s much harder to please than that.”

I stayed quiet, knowing I would cry again if I said anything in response.

“I would always tell him how important it was for him to find a friend, someone he cared about as much as they cared for him. I knew he found that by the way he talked about you.”

I curled up tighter and buried my face in my knees, biting my lip as I fought the urge to cry even harder.

“I would even go so far as to say he probably loves you, which is definitely saying a lot,” he chuckled and fished around in his pocket for a pack of cigarettes. “The way he looked when he left for Tokyo, and subsequently the way he looked when he came back...I don’t know what happened between the two of you, nor do I blame you for the result. I know you’re both young and with youth comes the tendency to be pretty dramatic.”

I stared at the dashboard and choked out a quiet, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, my boy,” he said, reaching to pat my shoulder before lighting his cigarette. “This isn’t the first time this has happened. But from the way you looked in the apartment just now, I would say you should go ahead and be honest with him and yourself.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well...I might be old, but I'm not blind yet. It’s clear that you care about him a lot, maybe even love him too,” he said, and I was amazed that he could tell just from looking at me for a few minutes. “But unlike him, you don’t know what to do with it. That poor boy had to grow up very quickly, so he has a bit of a better handle on what to do with intense feelings like that. I would venture to say that this is the first time you’ve had to deal with this, as would be the case with any typical kid. It’s not your fault, and the fact that you’re here is a good sign, I think.”

I only half understood what he meant, and it was along the same lines as what Kaji had tried to explain to me. I think he was trying to encourage me to do what I had intended on doing anyway, but for some reason I felt better about it with his support.

“Um...I’m sorry if this is rude to ask but...who are you? To Kaworu, I mean,” I said suddenly, feeling it would be awkward to continue this ride without even really knowing who I was speaking to. “He told me he lived alone, so...”

“Ah! Sorry, I never introduced myself,” he said with a light-hearted laugh, taking a pull of his cigarette. “Kozo Fuyutsuki. I’m...well, Kaworu calls me an uncle, but that's probably just because I've known him since he was a child. He does live alone, yes, I just went to his apartment to pick up some things for him. God forbid I let him sit in that hospital bed in one of those gowns for another day. I honestly don't know how they expect anyone to recover in those uncomfortable things.”

With the way he continued on, by the time we pulled up into the hospital parking lot, I was a little more calm. Fuyutsuki had kept me somewhat preoccupied with very casual conversation, and though the reason for our meeting wasn’t on the best terms, he didn’t let that make things awkward. I was quiet as usual, but he didn’t seem to mind, and I got the feeling that he just enjoyed the company. He reminded me a little of Kaworu, with the way he could speak so easily and calmly, and was able to keep a conversation going about almost anything.

We walked up to the hospital entrance and I looked around anxiously while he approached the desk and engaged with the nurse sitting there. Kaji entered a few minutes later and stood beside me, resting a hand on my shoulder and squeezing it until Fuyutsuki had finished talking and headed off to Kaworu's room.

“He’s been asleep for at least a day,” he said, turning to me as we stopped in front of the door. “The doctor’s aren’t sure if it’s his physical condition or if it's just psychosomatic, but I wanted to let you know just in case he doesn’t seem to respond to you.”

“Okay...” I said quietly, my throat knotting up so much that I didn’t think I would be able to say anything anyway. I was absolutely terrified of seeing him, but I knew there was no other choice and I had already come all of this way. I needed to see him, even if just to make sure he was okay.

I stepped inside and my eyes were slowly drawn to the solemn hospital bed sitting in the middle of the room. Kaworu was lying there, fast asleep; were it not for the thick and numerous bandages coating his arms, or the discomforting beep of the heart monitor in the corner, he might have looked peaceful. I walked up to the bed slowly, as if my feet were made of lead. I wanted to reach out for him, or crawl up next to him and wrap around him, bury my face in his chest and cry my eyes out for hours and hours, but I was petrified. I just stood there, staring down at him as my eyes watered and burned and my fingers went white from twisting my coat in them so hard the thread began to tear.

Fuyutsuki came up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder, resting the clothes on the bedside table and moving to a chair. He beckoned for me to sit in the one next to him, and since I had no idea what else to do with myself, I obliged. Kaji just leaned against a nearby wall, his arms folded and his face twisted into a shallow and concerned frown at the sight of the room.

I can’t say how long I sat in that room just looking at Kaworu. A few times, Fuyutsuki had gotten up to use the bathroom or have a cigarette...he turned on the TV or called in the nurse for something to drink. Things happened around me, doctors and nurses came in and out of the room and said things to Fuyutsuki and I but it all sounded like dull and hazy mumbling. All I could see, and all I was aware of was Kaworu. The only time I moved was to pull my chair closer to his bed, and after that I stayed almost completely still.

At some point, Fuyutsuki came up to me and said he would be leaving soon, because he had to open the shop in the morning. He offered to bring us with him, but I refused and said I wanted to stay. Kaji opted to stay too, lightheartedly mumbling something about how Misato would kill him if he left me alone in a strange town, and Fuyutsuki left with a sad smile. He managed to convince the hospital staff to let us stay, and they left us alone for the most part for the rest of the night. Kaji sat down, but he looked incredibly tired, and within minutes he had fallen asleep.

Without anyone else conscious in the room, the silence was palpable. The heart monitor continued to beep endlessly, and occasionally I caught whispers of Kaworu’s breath, but other than that, all was still. It was suffocating, and becoming too much to bear, and before I knew it I had started talking to him aloud.

“I hope you’re okay...I mean, I know you’re probably not, but...,” I hesitated even now, but was able to speak a little easier than I normally would have if he had been awake. “I’m glad you’re alive, at least. I can understand why you would...do this. I mean, if you had treated me the way I treated you...given me all of that hope you gave me and then pretended like I didn’t exist, especially after opening up to you, I would have done the same. I can only blame myself for pushing you away..."

I glanced at the bandages running up the length of his arms, and a chill ran through me at the mental image of what was underneath them. "You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I only ended up hurting you. I’d never have the courage to say this if you were awake, but...I...love you, Kaworu. I've never loved anybody before, but...I love you. And I’m sorry.”

I leaned on the edge of the bed and stared at his chest, unable to look at his face even now. I rested my chin on the cold metal bar that encased him, and leaned forward to place my hand over his. He was still so warm, and I had forgotten how soft his skin was. I gently lifted his hand up and clutched it tightly, bringing it up to my cheek and nuzzling into that touch that I missed so much. I was overwhelmed by the weight of my own selfishness, and the guilt I felt at having been the cause of this. I buried my face in the sheets that surrounded him, gripping his hand more tightly than I meant to, so much so that I heard his knuckles crack and my own began to ache a little from the strain. I muttered "I'm sorry" into the cloth over and over, until my throat ached and my voice cracked. I exhausted myself hoping and wishing more than anything that he would wake up and be okay. Even if something crazy happened like he didn’t remember me, or he was a completely different person, that would be fine. As long as he was okay, that’s all I needed right now.

I thought I felt something move, but I didn’t register until I heard him speak softly, “Why can't you just let me die. I always wake up...and it always hurts more.”

I looked up quickly and stared at his face, seeing his eyes open narrowly and a weary smile on his face.

“I could almost swear it was real this time...,” he said gently and I sat up, leaning in close to his face and letting go of his hand. “My hand even hurts...I wonder how long it will take for him to disappear this time. It's almost torture to have it linger like this."

“Kaworu...no, no I’m here,” I said frantically, placing my hand on his cheek and staring straight into his eyes. “I-I promise, this is real! I'm real...”

“You can’t be...,” he said with a sad smile, putting his hand on mine. “You only ever say you love me in my dreams. It was nice at first, but...I'm tired. I can't take it anymore."

“No, no, I’m sorry,” I said, my eyes still streaming as I pressed my forehead against his. “I know I’ve never said it but I’ve wanted to a million times...since the first time I saw you I wanted to say it, but I didn’t. I love you....I love you, I love you, I love you!”

I squeezed my eyes shut and nuzzled into his face, pressing my lips against his. They were squeezed tight and I had no idea what I was doing, or even if this counted as a real kiss, it was the only thing I could think of at the moment. I would stay there as long as it took for him to know that I was telling the truth, and to convince him that this wasn’t a dream. He was apprehensive and I could tell that his eyes were wide and for the first time, he was struggling internally. This must have been how he felt all of those times I hesitated, when I was uncertain if what was happening was real and if I deserved it. This made the tears flow more freely from my eyes and I tried to silently communicate to him that I understood and I was sorry.

The beeping of the heart monitor grew more and more rapid, and eventually his hand softened against mine and he pressed in closer. I slid my fingers around the back of his head and pulled him toward me, leaning over him as he parted his lips and I did so in turn. I lingered there for a moment before pulling away, both of us sighing and my heartbeat almost in tandem with the rapid beeps from the machine.

“Shinji--”

“No, you don't have to say anything," I said tearfully, wiping my face when I pulled away. I hated myself so much right now and I knew there was nothing I could say to make everything alright again, but that didn't stop me from trying. "If anything I should have never stopped talking. I could apologize for a hundred years and it still wouldn't be enough."

"I thought I told you to stop apologizing so much," he said, laughing a little. I was so enveloped in guilt that I couldn't understand how he wasn't angry with me, how his gentleness ran so deep that he could even face me right now. "Just to hear you say that you love me and know that it's real, that's all I wanted. I shouldn't have forced things, I should have waited until you were ready."

"I've been ready for a long time, but I kept fighting it. I know now that's what the problem has been this whole time. I couldn't just...let myself be happy. I felt like there was a catch, you know? I was just waiting to see what it was."

"Well, I suppose the catch is that you're in love with someone who's broken." he said sadly, still smiling, and somehow that hurt more.

"You're not broken," I said plainly, bringing his hand up to my face again. "You're perfect. And I guess I'll just have to say that for a hundred years until you believe it."

"Oh hey, he's up! Crazy, how long has...," Kaji chimed in wearily, then trailed off when we turned to him and he started to gather what was happening. "Ah...did I...interrupt something?"

"Oh, hello." Kaworu said pleasantly, waving slowly at him and chuckling a little at how red I got when I remembered, too, that someone else was in the room. Kaji just laughed and tipped his head toward Kaworu, who smiled in turn. The air was suddenly a lot lighter and for the first time, everything felt real and good all at once. I could hardly believe it, and were it not for the feeling of Kaworu's hand in mine, I wouldn't have been able to.


 

It had been about a month since that day, and now I found myself sitting in the back of Fuyutsuki's car, my hand gripping Kaworu's embarrassingly tightly, my face red and aching with an excited smile.

"Honestly I don't know why they had to send you all the way to Azumino, you'd have done just fine at home." Fuyutsuki said in a playfully grumpy tone, a cigarette poking out from the corner of his mouth while we drove.

"Thanks for picking me up, anyway," he said gently, smoothing his thumb over mine as he spoke, in a way that made it difficult for me to concentrate on the conversation. "I didn't really have a say in where they sent me, but I'm sorry for the inconvenience."

"It isn't too much trouble, I'm just at that age where I like to grumble," he replied. "I hear those places are like really sterile vacation homes anyway. And obviously they weren't feeding you right, I swear you've gotten even skinnier."

"It wasn't bad, just boring," Kaworu said lightly. "And kind of a waste of time. I lost count of how many times I told them I was fine."

"Well, that doesn't matter now. You're on your way home and this one over here--" Fuyutsuki tilted his head back pointedly at me "--has been beside himself all day. I'm pretty sure he cooked enough to feed the entire city."

"That was supposed to be a surprise!" I said, visibly flustered but used to this kind of treatment.

"You'll have no problem helping me eat it, I assume."

"I'll do what I can, only because it's my duty," Fuyutsuki said with a chuckle and I blushed even more, but knew that trying to be modest around these two was only going to make it worse. "I didn't mind having him stay with me, but the added perks of good food and good company always make that sort of thing worthwhile."

"Thank you for that, by the way," I piped up uncertainly, fully aware that this had to have been the fiftieth time I'd thanked him for his hospitality. "I know it's probably pretty weird having a stranger in your house, but I appreciate it."

"Not at all, it was nice not having to cook for awhile. I'm not very good at it anyway," Fuyutsuki said with a laugh. "And it's been awhile since I've had such a worthy shogi opponent. Anyway, here we are."

Upon arrival at Fuyutsuki's house, I bade the two of them to seat themselves at the table while I brought out the food. In truth it probably was a bit much, but I couldn't help myself. I couldn't decide what to cook, and I wanted to make sure it was to Kaworu's liking even though I knew he would have eaten anything. Of course they tried showering me with praise about it, and I learned to just quietly say thank you and appreciate the satisfied looks on their faces while they ate.

Fuyutsuki and I did most of the talking and it was very light-hearted. Kaworu was quiet and listened mostly, commenting that he preferred to do so because it had been awhile since he had heard a casual conversation. It was a warm and almost domestic scene, one that I hadn't experienced much before coming to Takayama. Because of all that had happened, I was nothing but endlessly relieved and completely content that Kaworu was back and things were okay.

After dinner and a little more talk, it was fairly late in the afternoon and the sun had begun to set. Kaworu mentioned that he wanted to spend some time at home, and invited me to come over. Some part of me was hoping he would, but I would have never asked, and I accepted with a little less hesitation than I would have before. I was trying to get into the habit of not making excuses and just taking the kindness people gave me, especially when it was in regards to something I wanted to do anyway. Progress was slow, but it was less difficult than I thought and much more rewarding. After a little pestering and an offhanded comment about expecting to see Kaworu in at work in a few days, Fuyutsuki let us go and we set off toward his apartment, which wasn't too long of a walk from the house.

The entire way there, Kaworu was still silent, but he looked completely at peace. I couldn't stop looking at him, and though he didn't look at me he still acknowledged me by grabbing my hand and pulling me a little closer to him as we walked. I wasn't sure what to say that hadn't already been said, and I figured he wanted a bit of silence right now, so I kept quiet until we reached his place.

"Huh, I knew he was watching over the place but I didn't expect him to rearrange it like this..." Kaworu said offhandedly after closing the door and entering.

"Um, actually that was me," I said a little shyly, nudging off my shoes and rubbing the back of my head, "Sorry, I came here a few times to dust and make sure everything was in order and I guess I got a little carried away. But I can put everything back if you want! I just thought it might be a little more comfortable...I mean not that it wasn't comfortable before bu--"

"Shinji, it's fine," he said gently and at that point I realized I was starting to ramble. Though his tone was quiet, it effectively shut me up and I gave an uneasy smile. Even though I had been here several times during my stay, mostly to dust and just to spend some time alone, surrounded by him in a way, I still wasn't used to it. "I think it looks nice, actually. And it smells really good in here...are those...?"

"R...roses," I said, my face growing red with embarrassment as I nodded over at the vase of flowers set on the windowsill. "T-they smelled good, when I found them at the store, and...I dunno, the air was getting a little stale in here, so I figured they'd...help that, a little..." I buried my face in my hands and groaned a little. In hindsight, that was probably overkill, and I guess I was trying to be...romantic. Or something.

"They're beautiful." he said, and I was suddenly aware of the fact that he was a lot closer to me than before. I could practically feel the heat coming off of him, and though I tensed reflexively when he wrapped his arms around me, I rested my head in his chest and tried to relax.

"I missed you very much." he said lowly, almost in a purr.

"I...missed you too."

"There were moments when I thought I would wake up and find that none of this had happened," he continued, nestling his head in my neck and nudging mine away from his chest to kiss me. "Or I would come back and things would be as they were. That nothing would have changed."

That familiar guilt that I hadn't felt in a long time returned shallowly and hung heavy in the depths of my chest, but it was almost instantly dissipated when Kaworu squeezed me more tightly.

"Listen...," I said hesitantly, pulling away just enough to look at him properly, my face burning immediately when his eyes met mine and lingered there unflinchingly. I faltered and glanced away for a moment, but promptly forced myself to look at him, no matter how difficult it was. "I...have a lot to make up for. And before you say anything,--"

He closed his mouth, which I saw twitch open in an effort to argue, but fall closed into a small smile when I said that.

"--I know I do. Even if just for myself. I feel like I haven't given you half as much as you've given me, so I'm going to fix that, okay! I'm...I don't know what all I'm going to do, but I'm going to fix it. So just...give me awhile and let me do that. I-in my own way, I guess."

He stood there silently for a moment, and his eyes were fixed on me in that expectant way that never failed to put a little bit of pressure on me, no matter what was happening. I felt pretty confident when I rehearsed that little declaration the night before, and it all went about the same as I expected, but I was sort of at a loss now. My already weak confidence was fading, and his silence, nor his indecipherable face, were making this any easier.

"...Can I speak now?" he asked after awhile, blinking innocently.

"..Y...Yeah. I mean you don't have to ask permission or anything...."

"I just wanted to say that you don't owe me anything, since you've already given me more than I could have asked for, but," he grinned again and surprised me with a swift kiss, one so quick and unexpected that I could hardly reciprocate. "I will gladly take anything more you choose to give me. As long as you let me do the same to you."

"Okay, I guess I can do that..." I said bashfully, but smiling because the thought alone made my heart want to leap out of my chest and dance across the floor.

"Now, there's something I've wanted to do with you for some time," he said lowly and drew away from me to walk over to his closet. "I got it some time ago, when I came home after our visit, and I tried to watch it but it didn't feel right without you. I'm glad we can have the chance to do this now."

When he re-emerged, he was holding a DVD case that looked oddly familiar, and when he handed it to me, I smiled softly. It was the movie we tried watching ages ago, the one I grew up with. Though the sight of the title instinctively made my chest tighten a bit, I was strangely unafraid. After all that had happened, I felt it was appropriate to finally see how it would all end, and even if it hurt, I knew Kaworu would be there when I needed him. It felt undeniably right, and I looked up at him again with a strangely confident smile.

"This is perfect. I'm glad I can finally see how it ends."

Notes:

i really wanna thank you all for sticking through this with me! i hope the ending was fitting, and its been really fun. I wanna do more with these two so hopefully I can in the future! love u all, tysm

Notes:

I won't take credit for this idea, I was amazed and inspired by the story "The Suicide Pact" by Otaku67

Series this work belongs to: