Archive of Our Own ^beta

TW: describing a car accident (without much accuracy), but it doesn’t have a huge impact on the story/relationship between Xie Lian and Hua Cheng, so if you are not comfortable with reading this part, you can skip it from “Would you like to talk about your… dream?” he asked hesitantly.” to “I’m glad you’re alive,” Hua Cheng said, and a tear rolled down his cheek.”

Have you ever wondered if it was possible to fall in love with someone whom you had never seen in person before?

A pleasant feminine voice came through Xie Lian’s earphones. He was listening to his favorite podcast, and with the Christmas mood hanging in the air, the broadcaster had released a special episode called 'Lovey-dovey Christmas.'

More than a month earlier, Xie Lian would have cringed at such a kitschy title, and more likely, he wouldn't have listened to it at all. However, something had changed in his life. Or would it be more accurate to say that someone had changed the way he had been thinking for his entire life?

Xie Lian repeated the broadcaster’s question almost in a whisper, pondering the answer. Naturally, it was a difficult case, and even more so personally. Yet, Xie Lian felt his cheeks taking on a dark pink tint as his gaze dropped to his hand. Or to be more specific, to the plane ticket he was firmly holding, not daring to lose it by accident.

His little trip wasn’t planned at all — another change in his life, being spontaneous — making it the craziest thing he would allow himself to do. Excitement was building within him just as he thought about it: meeting the person he had encountered online and with whom he had been talking for a while already.

For the first time in his life, Xie Lian knew he had found the missing puzzle piece in his life, or, if he may quote Shi Qingxuan’s words, his soulmate.

Nonetheless, everything could go not the way he wanted, only because the man he fell for didn’t know about his visit.

Xie Lian shook his head, shooing away his pessimistic thoughts. He came to a stop in front of the big, floor-to-ceiling window in the airport; his eyes focused on the sky, which was already turning a pinkish-orange tint as the afternoon was inevitably approaching.

His eyes shimmered with his heart missing a few beats, making it hard to breathe properly.

“I’m going to meet San Lang,” Xie Lian whispered, feeling the need to voice his thoughts, otherwise he wouldn’t believe it was all happening.

But to know who San Lang was exactly, we had to come back to the beginning of the story.

It wasn’t that Xie Lian felt lonely. He had his friends, some of whom more or less liked him; he could sometimes talk to them, at least. Not about everything, because they quickly got bored of his babbling, but Xie Lian didn’t mind as long as he wasn’t alone.

He didn’t feel a need to have any physical contact with anyone either. Shi Qingxuan sometimes hugged him whenever his mood dropped all of a sudden, and it was enough.

So what was that pinching feeling in his heart, gnawing at him unwelcomed, as he looked at the couple in front of him, effectively showing their love to everyone in their reach?

He propped his head on his palm, averting his gaze from the couple. He found it a better idea to look through the window instead — people outside were walking here and there, some of them happily chatting to their companions, while the other part was staring intently at their phones. It was such a miracle no one bumped into each other yet!

The coffee shop he was in was nice and quiet, and inside, Halloween decorations were still hanging, which would most likely soon be replaced with those Christmas themed.

“Christmas, huh,” Xie Lian muttered under his breath, sinking deeper into those unpleasant, conflicting thoughts. It was the time of year when people seemed to fall for each other more than in other months, and Xie Lian wasn’t surprised that it was happening. Whatever he looked at, various advertisements combined love and Christmas together.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t working on Xie Lian. At almost twenty-eight years old, he had never felt that someone had stolen his heart. He had experienced some fleeting relationships, been on a few dates, but nothing had ever evolved into something serious.

Sometimes he wondered whether there was a sticky note on his back he couldn’t see, saying: ‘the walking misfortune, do not approach’.

He absentmindedly ran his finger over the edge of his coffee glass when, all of a sudden, someone tapped his shoulder with not too much force, but enough to make Xie Lian jolt in his seat in surprise.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to be late, but—”

“It’s okay, Shi Qingxuan,” Xie Lian smiled, cutting them off. Once they started explaining, they would never stop. He pointed at the seat opposite his. “Sit, please?”

The person before him, Xie Lian considered as one of those friends who liked him more than less. They were a walking positivity mood changer; whenever they appeared, people around them would smile, completely forgetting about the worries occupying their minds at the moment. Xie Lian was glad they forced a place for themselves in his unapproachable heart.

“Oh, right!” Shi Qingxuan said, reciprocating Xie Lian’s smile which was even bigger than his. “You looked pensive a moment ago. What’s on your mind?” They asked, waving a hand at the waitress to order a coffee.

Xie Lian replied in a melancholy tone before he could think twice about his answer. “I think I’m jealous.”

As if not believing his words, Shi Qingxuan leaned closer to him. “You? Why?”

Xie Lian blinked a few times, then looked away. He scratched the back of his neck as he replied, baffled. “I don’t know. Maybe I just caught the mood.”

Shi Qingxuan nodded affirmatively. “I get you, A-Lian. Christmas is coming soon, isn’t it?”

Xie Lian answered with a hum, resting his cheek on his palm. He lazily watched the people outside the coffee shop again.

Shi Qingxuan's coffee arrived soon after, and they waved their hand to inhale its aroma, as if only that would awaken them from their sleepy state. Not taking their eyes off the coffee, they asked, “Do you want to date someone, A-Lian?”

Xie Lian groaned and his head slipped from his palm to rest on the table, conceding defeat. “I’ve tried. Do you know that app where you can match with someone with similar interests to yours? And start talking to them?”

Shi Qingxuan gasped, hitting the surface of the table with their hand, making Xie Lian’s head jolted in surprise. “No way! You’re on a dating app and I didn’t know about it?”

Xie Lian didn’t dare to look at Shi Qingxuan after his confession. He hadn’t planned on hiding it from them; it just happened he had forgotten to mention it before. “Yeah. But I keep running into perverts or people who aren’t interesting at all,” Xie Lian said. He placed his head on the table again, and now one of his cheeks was pressed against the cold wood. It helped him cool his embarrassment that suddenly crept up.

Xie Lian didn’t find being on a dating app a reason to be ashamed, yet the inner voice kept repeating otherwise. If he could silence this voice in the back of his mind forever, his life would be simpler.

“Wow, I wouldn’t have expected that from you! How many of them have you met with already?”

Xie Lian pondered, using his fingers to count those people. “Face to face? I think… Four?” He sounded doubtful, since the fifth person hadn’t even shown himself in the place they agreed on, blocking him afterwards without even a word of explanation.

One of Shi Qingxuan’s eyebrows twitched and their voice lost all of the confidence it held just a moment ago. “Well— Perhaps you should think about it in another way; what if it’s due to your soulmate that has been waiting for you? You can’t miss that chance!” Shi Qingxuan exclaimed cheerfully.

“A soulmate? Do you really believe in such a thing?” Xie Lian asked, doubt pouring from him.

“Of course I do,” Shi Qingxuan tried to convince him. They took a sip of their coffee; a stream of hot latte hit their palate, and they hummed happily. “It’s better than believing that we are fated to be all alone in this world, don’t you think?”

There was no point in arguing with Shi Qingxuan, so Xie Lian nodded, internally doubting that something like this would ever help him. He didn’t have any expectations, but he kept using the dating app, nonetheless.

The app had its upsides, actually. Through the months he had spent there, he got to know a lot of different people. He could literally write a book about his experience gained there.

Well, he did, but it wasn’t a book.

He was writing articles for a living, sometimes his own, sometimes editing someone else’s. Xie Lian hadn’t thought his boss would approve of his newest idea, but unexpectedly, he found it hilarious, telling Xie Lian to keep writing about his (un)successful romantic life.

Naturally, he didn’t expose those people he had talked with. Xie Lian would focus on his own thoughts rather than the personal stuff; sometimes, if he found something funny in those conversations, he would add it to his article as the extras for those who read him regularly.

It didn’t sound kind, but every new person he matched with possibly meant a new article to write about.

It was his break at work, and he took out his phone, opening the dating app in question. Xie Lian didn’t know, did swapping now mean he was working during his break?

When he had first checked out the app, he found it complicated. But now, Xie Lian could call himself an experienced user. If he found someone interesting, he swiped to the right. If he wanted to skip someone's profile, he swiped to the left.

Easy.

The first profile that appeared didn’t have a picture on it, so he swiped it to the left, rejecting the person.

Another one was a handsome guy, actually, but the man took his photo half-naked in the bathroom. Xie Lian sighed. Why did people keep doing it? He swiped to the left again.

Another profile was an invitation to a sexual triangle. Xie Lian definitely wasn’t interested. But before he swapped to the left, he stared at the information next to that person’s name. Eight kilometers away from you.

The app searched for a person within his reach; Xie Lian had set it up to a maximum of ten kilometers from his current location. But what if he changed that to no limit in searching?

Xie Lian had never thought about a long-distant relationship before. But if he couldn’t find anyone interesting here, what if his soulmate, the one Shi Qingxuan had been talking about, lived on the other side of the country?

He swapped to the left and tapped on the app’s settings. In a moment, a new setting was set.

The next profile that appeared on his screen was really far away from him. Almost two thousand kilometers!

So other people could really be interested in a long-distant relationship, couldn’t they?

Xie Lian squinted his eyes, taking in the picture of a smiling youth. Judging by his bio, he was three years younger than Xie Lian.

His smile was bright, the same Xie Lian could tell about the youth’s eyes — both pretty and dark, but mischievous at the same time. His skin was pale, making him look like a ghost, Xie Lian thought. The man had his long, black hair braided and dangling from his shoulder.

He wore something red, but Xie Lian couldn’t describe what it was. A simple shirt or something more elegant, perhaps? People often wore something expensive in their photos to show themselves in a better way, maybe this youth was the same?

Xie Lian couldn’t believe in what was before his eyes. Did such a deity really exist? The man could have photoshopped his photo, naturally, but what if he didn’t? Xie Lian already couldn’t take his eyes off the man’s profile picture.

Xie Lian shook his head, reprimanding himself. This person might look beautiful, but it meant nothing if his personality sucked. Xie Lian’s eyes immediately searched for his bio.

Your appearance doesn’t matter to me. If you look like a model, but within you is hidden a scum, I won’t even spare a second of my life to talk to you. However, if you're someone who doesn't judge people by their looks and wants someone to listen, feel free to swipe right.

“ANCIENT SWORDS,” Xie Lian exclaimed in surprise a bit louder than he should have, quickly apologizing to those who sent glances his way. “I don’t want to scare him, though,” Xie Lian mumbled. “I won’t jump out with the sword topic yet.”

Without a second thought, Xie Lian swapped San Lang’s profile right. Not a second had passed when an announcement in the middle of his screen appeared, saying: YOU’VE MATCHED. MAKE THE FIRST MOVE AND TEXT YOUR MATCH

Oh.

It seemed San Lang found Xie Lian’s profile interesting enough to swipe right, too!

Xie Lian didn’t realize the growing smile on his face. How should he start a conversation with San Lang? He didn’t want to make a bad first impression. He stared at his screen, hoping that San Lang would write first, but neither of them seemed willing to take the initial step, as it turned out.

“I will go with something simple first,” Xie Lian said to himself as he typed a message.

Xie Lian
Hello!

Those three familiar dots didn’t appear at all, signaling that San Lang wasn’t replying (even though he was online). So, Xie Lian continued, not daring to lose his spirit yet.

Xie Lian
I found the quote in your bio interesting. I haven’t heard it before, is it something you came up with yourself?

Success! San Lang was replying!

San Lang
No.

He sent only one word, but Xie Lian waited, expecting San Lang to write something more. To his disappointment, San Lang didn’t, making Xie Lian feel a bit baffled. Nonetheless, Xie Lian tried to take the conversation further, hoping that perhaps San Lang wouldn’t block him after two or three more sentences.

Xie Lian
I see! It shows true devotion, doesn’t it? To love someone even if the world is cruel to them, and not giving up on them… it’s beautiful.

Before San Lang could send a reply, Xie Lian added, after realizing he might have misunderstood the meaning behind the sentence in San Lang’s bio.

Xie Lian
Sorry if I overinterpret! It doesn’t necessarily have to be love.

San Lang’s dots disappeared, but not for long. Xie Lian noticed that San Lang had been typing even before Xie Lian sent one more message; did Xie Lian make him give up on his first thought? He wondered what it could have been—

The thought was long forgotten as he received another, a much longer message from the youth.

San Lang
You didn’t. It's a quality of poetry to be understood individually. There’s no wrong interpretation of these words.

Xie Lian
Oh, of course, you’re right.

Silence was present between them again. They had exchanged only a few (slightly forced) messages, yet Xie Lian thought he had finally found someone… different. The inner voice told him to stop bothering San Lang because the man noticeably wasn’t interested in talking with Xie Lian, even though Xie Lian already thought that San Lang would be good company for conversations.

So, the feeling of disappointment was normal, he rationalized to himself.

Xie Lian let out a heavy sigh, smiling woefully. Life really liked making him hope.

Xie Lian
Sorry. It seems you don’t really want to talk with me, and I totally understand it, so I won’t waste your time anymore (though I’m not a scum!)

Xie Lian wanted to close the app before his mood would drop even more, but before he could succeed, San Lang sent a reply, calling him… a gege? Was he trying to get his attention back?

San Lang
Gege, wait

It worked since Xie Lian’s fingers stopped midair.

San Lang
don’t apologize, it’s not like you’re thinking. I’m just tired of those superficial people trying to get my attention. Take my silence as some kind of… test, if you don’t mind.

Xie Lian didn’t like the idea of being tested, though. It sounded almost as if the youth tried to place himself above others, but Xie Lian pushed this feeling aside; he didn’t want to give up on the new acquaintance yet. Perhaps someone had hurt the man deeply before, so he tried as much as he could to protect himself from further disappointments?

Xie Lian
San Lang, don’t you think it's normal behavior on an app like this? I think people often judge others by their appearance first. It’s like the initial selection, isn’t it?

San Lang
Are you like them, then?

San Lang didn’t answer his question, but Xie Lian didn’t mind. In his head almost immediately emerged a need; he had to make sure that San Lang knew that for Xie Lian, an appearance wasn’t important as much as someone's character was. Xie Lian thought that his next message may weigh on whether San Lang would keep replying or not.

Would San Lang find him strange if he told him the truth? He decided to make a bet on it.

Xie Lian
I promised myself to not talk about it at the beginning of our conversation, but you gave me no choice, San Lang. 😔
Are you really interested in talking about swords??

San Lang
Hahaha, really? Swords?? 😂
I want to talk about that, gege, but honestly, I don't have much knowledge on it.

Xie Lian smiled. He was able to make San Lang laugh.

Xie Lian
Well…

San Lang
Well?

Xie Lian
No one has survived my lecture about weaponry before, so I won’t mind if you find it boring eventually. Just tell me when should I stop babbling, okay?

San Lang
Gege knows that much about swords? I’m impressed. And I would be honored to be the one who will survive this, though. 😉

San Lang’s eagerness and willingness to know more about swords made Xie Lian forget about the passing time. If not for his colleague calling for him, asking where the hell he was, Xie Lian would have completely forgotten that he was, in fact, still at work.

He rambled on about swords for almost thirty minutes, and he still wasn’t even halfway through what he wanted to tell San Lang about.

There was also something Xie Lian didn’t realize until his cheeks started to hurt — he had been smiling the entire time he exchanged messages with the man.

Apparently, San Lang wasn’t as unapproachable as he had portrayed himself at the beginning of their conversation. It seemed San Lang was willing to talk with him even more as Xie Lian had hoped!

Xie Lian
I’d love to talk more, but I have to go back to work. 😞 Can we keep talking once I’m back home?

San Lang
Did I take your entire break, gege? You should have told me sooner. Sorry

Xie Lian
Nonono, it was funny! I haven’t realized it’s that late already, haha. So?

San Lang
I’m not going anywhere, gege. But I might be sleeping once you head home. Don’t mind me replying in the morning?

Xie Lian
OK!

Once he got back behind his desk, Xie Lian did his best to put aside his thoughts about San Lang and focus on his tasks. He still had two articles to edit for his co-worker and thoughts drifting towards something else but his current job didn’t help his productivity.

A few hours later, he checked his phone to make sure he hadn't missed any messages, and to his surprise, there was actually one unread message.

From San Lang.

San Lang
Gege, I feel bad for my previous behavior. You seem to be a good person, and me judging you without any reason at the beginning of our conversation was wrong. I messed up my first impression, but I hope you won’t find it discouraging. I’d be happy to get to know you more. Not only about swords.

Xie Lian’s heart skipped a beat.

Waking up in the morning meant receiving a new welcoming message from San Lang. Sometimes it was impossible to catch up with each other during the day since both of them were at work and had other matters to attend to.

Although it didn’t stop them from developing their… friendship. They quickly got used to each other, and Xie Lian could proudly call San Lang his new friend.

Only a few weeks had passed since they matched, yet Xie Lian felt like he knew San Lang for a long time. Talking with him was easy.

It might have been reckless, but not long after they had started getting to know each other, Xie Lian had given San Lang his number, and, oh God, San Lang's voice was perfect — firm yet teasing at the same time. The first time Xie Lian had heard 'gege' from San Lang's lips, his legs almost wobbled in the middle of the street.

During those weeks, Xie Lian had learned that San Lang did arts for a living, just as his bio said. He didn’t limit himself to only one medium, and Xie Lian had never thought he would get to know so much about paints either.

To Xie Lian’s content, they had knowledge in different topics, complementing each other perfectly. They could talk endlessly.

Another thing Xie Lian had learned about San Lang was that he wasn’t a sociable person and didn’t easily let people into his life. He had two other 'friends' who occasionally hung out with him, but they didn't share many details about each other's lives.

If Xie Lian had to be honest, he had sensed that at the beginning of their acquaintance. Although it wasn’t a bad thing; Xie Lian personally believed that having fewer friends was better. At least you had enough time to not neglect someone you cared about.

San Lang had also admitted that he didn’t necessarily like animals, though his relationship with them was complicated. When he was a kid, a dog had attacked him, sending him to the hospital for a few weeks, so it was normal that he felt dread around them.

But it just happened that two years ago, he had ended up adopting a stray cat. It hadn’t been part of his plan, but the cat had followed him to his apartment, and San Lang let the animal stay with him for one night. Well, the cat was still with him, as San Lang said: “One more mouth to feed wasn’t a problem, I guess.”

He had even sent Xie Lian a photo of himself with E’ming, the cat he was talking about, sitting lazily on his lap.

San Lang definitely had a good heart, even if he said otherwise.

Xie Lian walked back and forth as he waited for Shi Qingxuan. They had agreed to meet during one of their less-busied weekends, and Xie Lian felt the urge to finally tell them about San Lang.

It was early December, yet the temperature, although it was past noon already, was nearly zero degrees. Xie Lian’s cheeks were red from the cold, and each time he let a breath through his mouth, a steam followed after it.

If Xie Lian didn’t get a hot tea in the next few minutes, he thought he would freeze to death here.

A pair of arms encircling his back pulled his attention back from his running thoughts. He turned his head to the side only to notice two big eyes already staring back at him.

“I’ve missed you so much!” Shi Qingxuan said, their grasp around Xie Lian tightening. Xie Lian was never keen on reciprocating the gesture, though he didn’t pull away. He didn’t mind being hugged, but hugging others made him a bit uncomfortable. Shi Qingxuan was already used to it, as they didn’t comment on it, instead exclaiming cheerfully, “Let’s go, go! It’s so cold I think I’m gonna die here, A-Lian!”

Xie Lian eventually escaped from their arms and started walking towards their favorite coffee shop with calm steps. In less than ten minutes, they would bask in the warmth accompanied by the aroma of coffee, making Xie Lian’s mood lighter. “I felt the same while waiting for you,” Xie Lian laughed.

They walked in silence, but even that didn’t discourage Xie Lian from lightly smiling to himself, which didn’t go unnoticed by his companion. They stole a few more glances at Xie Lian’s face, then hummed triumphantly. “Is there something you want to talk to me about?”

Xie Lian’s cheeks, already slightly blushed from the cold, took on an even more intense color. He tried to play it cool, but he wasn’t a good actor. He planned on telling them about his new online friend anyway, so he might as well share the news right now. “Well,” Xie Lian cleared his throat, weighing his next words. “There’s someone new.”

Shi Qingxuan’s bright, yet a bit widened eyes didn’t leave Xie Lian’s face for even a second as they asked, “What do you mean, exactly?”

“I didn’t give up and kept matching with people on the app,” Xie Lian said with a straight face, but it didn’t last long as he cracked a smile. “But I changed the range of searching results. So…,” he trailed off and bit his bottom lip. Feeling embarrassed about sharing his almost-romantic yet successful relationship with San Lang, he continued, “I’ve been talking with someone for a month already. I-I like him, I guess. He’s different from others I've matched with.”

Shi Qingxuan got ahead of Xie Lian, stopping him in his tracks. They blocked his way with their arms spread open, and their expression, initially a bit shocked, quickly changed into a grin. They seemed more excited about the news than Xie Lian himself. “Have you met him in person yet?” Shi Qingxuan asked, agitated, their energy flowing like a stream.

Feeling a bit abashed by their unexpected reaction, he buried his face in his palms as he explained, “No, he lives almost two thousand kilometers away from me.”

Before Shi Qingxuan could say anything, Xie Lian continued in a hurried tone, “At the beginning, I thought nothing would come of it because he acted as if he wasn’t interested in me. But then something clicked between us, and, god, Shi Qingxuan, we talk for hours every day! He’s eloquent, open-minded, has niche interests, we can discuss things without getting mad at each other for different opinions, and—” he trailed off to catch his breath, rumbling without a break at an accelerated pace he wasn’t used to. “He’s perfect.”

Shi Qingxuan blinked at him a few times, taken aback. They had never seen Xie Lian in such a state — their friend breathed heavily, with their cheeks even redder than before. But the most significant change was that Xie Lian hadn’t stopped smiling for a second as he talked about the other man.

The air around Shi Qingxuan changed all of a sudden. They were still smiling at Xie Lian, but their smile wasn’t as bright. For Xie Lian, they looked… sad. Doubtful, even. For a moment, their eyes didn’t meet Xie Lian’s. “Yeah, he’s perfect,” they said in a strained voice, not reciprocating Xie Lian’s excitement anymore. “Really, but there’s only one con.”

Sensing Shi Qingxuan’s change in mood, Xie Lian felt shiver running down their spine. He asked hesitantly. “What is it?”

“You have never seen him.”

Xie Lian chuckled nervously. “Not in person, yeah. But there are a few pictures of him on his profile, not to mention the ones he has sent me himself.”

Xie Lian took his phone out of his pocket and opened the app. After checking that San Lang hadn’t sent new messages and making sure Shi Qingxuan wouldn’t peek at their conversation from behind his shoulder, Xie Lian quickly clicked on San Lang’s profile. Since it was public, San Lang wouldn’t mind showing his photos to Shi Qingxuan, would he? At least Xie Lian would ease their worry. “Have a look?”

Xie Lian swiped through a few of San Lang’s photos. With each one Shi Qingxuan saw, they hummed in approval. At the last one, they asked, “Does such a deity really exist, though?”

Xie Lian scratched his nose. “I pondered about it, too. But he sent me more photos, so… He’s real.”

Shi Qingxuan seemed conflicted, though. “I—I don’t want to discourage you, A-Lian. Really!” They put their hands on Xie Lian’s shoulder, tightening their grasp occasionally. “I’ve never seen you so happy before! But since you haven't seen him face to face, please, keep in the back of your head that he might not be the person you think he is. The Internet is a scary place. You can be whoever you want to be.”

“I know,” Xie Lian replied, moved by his friend’s protectiveness. He was glad they didn’t force him to stop talking to San Lang as his other friends would do. “But I trust him. I feel like I finally found the missing piece in my life, Shi Qingxuan. And San Lang seems to be serious towards me, too. We flirt sometimes, but none of us have said it straightforward yet. It may be too early to confess, haha.”

“A-Lian… you have already fallen for him, haven’t you?”

Xie Lian averted his gaze, but whispered, nonetheless. “I think so, yes.”

Did he lose his mind over the man? Probably. He had never felt attracted to someone that quickly, not to mention that they hadn't even met each other in real life. Xie Lian hadn’t asked him, but would San Lang like to meet him? Or would rather keep their relationship at a distance?

That evening, Xie Lian laid down in his bed, cocooning himself comfortably in his warm duvet, waiting for San Lang to call him. It was their routine now; once both of them were done with their duties, they would call each other (mostly San Lang called Xie Lian) to ease the mood after a stressful day. Sometimes they talked for a moment, sometimes that moment extended to a few hours. It didn’t matter as long as they were happy in each other’s presence.

Xie Lian closed his eyes, recalling his conversation with Shi Qingxuan.

You have fallen for him, haven’t you?

Xie Lian groaned and rolled to his side, flustered. He felt like a teenager!

Hanging silence in his bedroom started to gnaw on him. He wanted to hear his San Lang, he wished he could shatter that dull calmness into pieces. Even if San Lang wasn’t physically here with him, just his voice could fill Xie Lian’s empty space he called his home.

Bashful to admit it, Xie Lian often imagined San Lang lying next to him. If his thoughts ran too far, he imagined San Lang cuddling with him and playing with his hair while they talked through the phone, in real time. When San Lang laughed at something Xie Lian said, he would feel San Lang’s breath on his neck—

In an instant, Xie Lian’s body shot up, sitting upright. His phone started to buzzling wildly on his nightstand. He grinned, noticing the caller ID.

San Lang

Xie Lian didn’t hesitate to pick up, nor did he wait for San Lang to speak first. “San Lang!” Xie Lian called, not hiding excitement in his voice.

San Lang laughed heartily. “Gege, good evening. You seemed happy, something good happened today?”

Xie Lian put his phone on a pillow next to his head, turning to its side to face the device. Once again, he imagined he was talking to San Lang who would lay there, not to his phone. He sank into his bed even more as he recalled his day. “I met with my friend, I told you about them once. We met in a park near my apartment, but they were a bit late, and I got a bit cold, haha.”

San Lang hummed. “It’s always cold here where I live, so I’m used to it already. But that weather anomaly must be tough for you, doesn’t it? I hope you won’t catch a cold, I wouldn’t bear you suffering from a runny nose, gege.”

Xie Lian’s cheeks felt warmer, so he put his yet cold hands on his cheeks, hoping that it would help him feel cooler. Was it that warm in his room, or did San Lang’s words have such an effect on him?

“I’m fine, San Lang. I’m under a few layers of my blankets, actually. It’s pretty warm.”

“Shame,” San Lang replied in a tone that would mean a pout, but Xie Lian immediately noticed a touch of teasing in his voice. He knew what was coming next, and his body already reacted to it. “I wouldn’t mind warming you, gege. It might be a bit uncomfortable for you, with your head on my arm which isn’t as soft as a pillow would be, but my other arm would embrace you, moving you closer and closer to me until there's no gap left between us.”

Xie Lian groaned. “San Lang…don’t tease me.”

The other man laughed again. “Sorry, gege. It’s stronger than me. I like teasing you and hearing your reactions to it.”

Xie Lian didn’t mind, after all San Lang’s teasing never crossed the line of good taste. Moreover, they had met on a dating app. You use it for one purpose.

To find love.

Xie Lian wondered if San Lang felt something more for him, as he had been teasing him in that way for a while, igniting a flame of hope in Xie Lian’s fragile heart.

After a moment of silence, Xie Lian decided to change the subject, otherwise his heart wouldn’t take it. He asked, hopefully that San Lang wouldn’t find the sudden change strange. “How has your day been, San Lang?”

If San Lang sensed the change of the topic off, he didn’t make it known. Instead, he took on a frustrated tone. “It was fine until that dumbass came to my place.”

Xie Lian chuckled. San Lang had mentioned this “friend” of his, and from what Xie Lian learned, he used to drop by San Lang’s place occasionally to play with E’ming and fill his stomach, hopefully, for free. “San Lang, it’s good for your mental health to have interactions with others.”

“Nah,” San Lang countered. “Gege’s company is more than enough for me. Even if we talk on the phone.”

Xie Lian’s heart quickened its beats. San Lang gave him an opportunity to finally bring the matter on; though Xie Lian had no idea how San Lang felt about it. Nonetheless, Xie Lian had to ask since a bit of courage still lingered within him.

“San Lang?” Xie Lian called him hesitantly.

The other man hummed in question, prompting Xie Lian to continue his thought. Xie Lian did, but inside, fear was devouring him. What if San Lang didn’t want it? “Have you ever thought about us… meeting? In person?”

There was a silence after these words, and Xie Lian worried that his phone could die all of a sudden, so he checked on it, but to his surprise, there was still more than a half of battery.

Did the silence mean he made San Lang feel uncomfortable?

He wanted to apologize and say to forget about what he had asked, but then he heard San Lang’s deep exhale, followed by the words, “I think about it everyday, gege. To meet you like this, it’d be my greatest honor.”

Xie Lian forgot how to breathe. “You really mean it?”

“Yes.”

Xie Lian was at a loss for words. San Lang… did he feel the same way Xie Lian did? Perhaps the image in his head about their first meeting wasn’t just a mere desire and one day it would come true? Xie Lian hid his face behind his hands, flustered.

San Lang had an ability to make him feel like a teenager, really.

One week later, Xie Lian stood in front of his apartment building, with a suitcase in one hand, and a phone in the other, dialing a number to Shi Qingxuan. When they picked up, greeting Xie Lian happily as they always did, Xie Lian said without missing a beat, “Shi Qingxuan, you may call me crazy. Fuck, I’m going to do the craziest thing in my entire life. I know you would not approve my decision, that’s why I’m calling you now when there’s no way back.”

“A-Lian?? What do you mean??” They asked, scared to death by the sudden announcement.

“I’m going to meet San Lang. But he doesn’t know about it.”

The flight for so many hours wasn’t as bad as Xie Lian had thought it could be. It was his first time flying for so long, but he wasn’t bored at all since the line offered so many movies to watch, not to mention having his favorite book he had with him to read.

When he realized it, he already stood firmly on the airport’s ground in the city San Lang lived in. Well, almost. He had to take a taxi and drive for thirty kilometers to get to San Lang’s place. But he could do this; it was the final step to meet the man he fell in love with.

There’s the most exciting case: his trip here was a total surprise for San Lang. Yes, Xie Lian may be overstepping San Lang’s trust, but San Lang had said it himself — he wanted to see Xie Lian. He hadn’t clarified when, but overall, he did want it.

Although not everything could go well if you were Xie Lian.

The first problem started as Xie Lian’s suitcase got lost with all his stuff inside. He only had his small bag with him, with a wallet, book, charger and his phone. Not too many, but could be worse.

The second problem was that no one knew when Xie Lian could get his stuff back (if whenever). Someone (not really pleasant) told Xie Lian to fill out a document and wait. If his luck was good, he would retrieve his suitcase eventually.

Xie Lian knew he would never get it back.

Trying to stay positive (in less than two hours he would meet San Lang, hopefully!), he called for a taxi, waiting outside the airport. San Lang was right saying it was colder than in the city Xie Lian lived in. Well, Xie Lian might have thought back then that San Lang had been exaggerating.

San Lang hadn’t.

Trembling from the cold, with temperatures nearly fifteen degrees below zero, Xie Lian waited patiently for a taxi. Meanwhile, he took in his surroundings — he had to admit that the city looked great. In contrast to his own, residents here wholeheartedly embraced the Christmas mood. Wherever his gaze drifted, Christmas decorations adorned each house and shop. It almost seemed like a competition — whose house was more abstract and had more decorations would win.

With a lightened mood, Xie Lian got into the vehicle that pulled up to him. To his surprise, it was driven by the same guy who had told him to fill out the document for his lost suitcase.

“Multi-tasking?” Xie Lian asked, half-joking, half-serious, scratching the bridge of his nose nervously as he sat in the back seat.

The driver grumbled and drove away. “Multi-working, if anything.”

The man wasn’t old. If Xie Lian had to guess, he would say that he was even younger than Xie Lian. It was a rare sight to see someone so young yet with a grumpy look on his face for such a long time. Xie Lian tried to strike up the conversation, but the man didn’t even bother to respond. Instead, he turned up the volume of the music.

“Where to?” He asked eventually.

Xie Lian said Sang Lang’s address, still being in awe that it was happening.

“To Hua Cheng’s?” The driver asked, showing a bit of curiosity.

Hua Cheng? San Lang had never mentioned he shared his house with someone, but Xie Lian hadn’t asked, either. Perhaps it was the name of one of his friends that had often dropped by.

“I guess?” Xie Lian replied, hesitantly. “If that’s the address I told you, then yes.”

In the front mirror, Xie Lian noticed the young man raising his eyebrow. “He didn’t say he's expecting a guest. Not that I care.”

Silence fell between them again, but in contrast to one of those he had sometimes shared with San Lang, this one was uncomfortable. Trying to set his mind on something else, he looked through the window, watching the adorned houses they passed.

After a drive that lasted for less than two hours (but Xie Lian swore it felt like it was much longer), he stepped out of the car. Stretching his arms above his head, his attention was caught by the driver again. “Tell Hua Cheng I’ll come anyway, I don’t care about you being there or not,” he muttered in a bored tone and drove away, leaving Xie Lian alone.

Xie Lian stood in front of, as he believed, San Lang’s place. He had trouble with breathing, and his body trembled on its own. Not from the cold, nor from excitement as it did before.

Doubts were pouring out of Xie Lian again, this time more overwhelming. What if he was really overstepping San Lang’s trust? He didn’t want to lose him. But he wanted to see him, to finally feel his presence.

Xie Lian had never felt more conflicted as he did now.

He let his eyes take in his surroundings, and his gaze came to a halt on a little reindeer, shining in all possible colors, standing proudly to the left of the sidewalk leading to the house door. San Lang had once told Xie Lian that he wasn’t a Christmast enthusiast, explaining: “Gege, it’s a day like others. Only companies can gain something from it.”

Looking at the reindeer now, Xie Lian smiled to himself. After all, even San Lang had gotten caught up in the marketing he always complained about.

Unfortunately, his blissful moment didn’t last long.

“What the hell are you doing on my property?” Xie Lian jolted as someone behind his back spoke in an unfriendly tone.

Despite that, Xie Lian knew that voice.

He turned around abruptly, and even in the darkness outside, the streetlights provided enough illumination within Xie Lian’s reach to see everything clearly. His eyes widened.

He confronted a tall man, his long black hair flowing freely in the light, cold wind. If Xie Lian wanted to maintain eye contact with him, he had to crane his neck upwards.

The man looked like San Lang, but at the same time, he didn’t.

His features were sharper than San Lang's; his jawline was more defined, and his eyes were fierce, too. Or should Xie Lian say one eye, since the other was hidden behind a black eyepatch, covering it completely?

Xie Lian froze, taken aback. He wanted to say something, but words were lost in his throat before they could even leave his mouth.

What was happening?

As if something dawned on the other man, his features softened immediately, and his one, black iris widened. Hesitantly, he asked, “Gege?”

Due to the weather or not, the other man’s hand clenched into a fist, noticeably trembling.

“San Lang?” Xie Lian’s voice was hoarse, but even so, he continued. “San Lang, is that… you?”

The other man pressed his lips into a thin line. It took him a moment to respond. “Gege, what are you doing here?”

It was him. It was his San Lang. But he looked different — not in a bad way, just… different than he had presented himself on the dating app.

The unpleasant conclusion dawned on him. Had San Lang been lying to him all this time?

A tear appeared in the corner of Xie Lian’s eye, rolling down his cheek.

San Lang noticed it, and took a step forward Xie Lian, but Xie Lian took a step backward. San Lang froze in place, not knowing what to do.

Xie Lian’s lips trembled and more tears rolled down, now on both his cheeks. “You lied to me?”

San Lang seemed to be at a loss for words since he said nothing, averting his gaze from Xie Lian’s face.

“What the fuck,” Xie Lian muttered under his breath, and then something else came to his mind. He recalled the driver’s words. “To Hua Cheng’s?”

Xie Lian laughed, though it was far from a joyful sound. He was heart-broken, to say the least. “Is San Lang a lie, too, Hua Cheng?”

Hearing the name, Hua Cheng’s head snapped upwards. “How do you know?”

Hiding his face behind his arm, Xie Lian replied, blankly. “By a coincidence.” Then he sighed, and lowered his arm enough to take a glance at Hua Cheng’s face. “Was it funny? Deceiving me? Just tell me what was the point of this? Is it some kind of revenge for those people who have wronged you? But I didn’t, so why—”

Hua Cheng cut him off. “I didn’t! I mean, it’s complicated. But I want you to know that the person you’ve got to know it’s me, gege. I wasn’t lying to you about that. It’s the real me.”

“Forget it,” Xie Lian uttered, resigned. All the brightness in his eyes had dissipated already. He passed by Hua Cheng, waving his hand at him, but not bothering to look in his direction at all. “It doesn’t matter anymore. Let’s forget about the whole thing and pretend we have never talked.”

“What?” Hua Cheng asked, surprised, his gaze following after Xie Lian. “Where are you going?”

“I dunno. I will know once I get somewhere,” he replied, walking away. His eyes started to sting, and the cold wind worsened his state with each passing moment. He was too mentally exhausted to pay attention to where his feet were leading him.

Hua Cheng didn’t go after him, though, as his legs refused to obey his commands.

Xie Lian felt thirsty. Most of the shops were already closed, and the tears he shed had left him completely dried. He didn’t know where he was going either — not that it mattered. He felt his life was smashed into pieces and it was impossible to go back to what it had looked like before his encounter with San Lang. Or Hua Cheng, whatever.

His body got used to the cold, or perhaps he ignored it to this point that it was indifferent to temperatures. Should he call Shi Qingxuan? Knowing them, they would get on the first plane they found and come to help Xie Lian.

No, Xie Lian had known the risk behind coming to a stranger’s place, and he had to pay it off now. He had to manage on his own. He had money with him, so it shouldn’t be a problem to find a hotel for the night and buy a ticket for a return flight in the morning.

He had materials for his newest article, at least. No, screw it. Once he got back, he would submit resignation. And uninstall the app. He had enough of a love life. It just happened that some things weren’t made for him.

He came to a stop near the shop with the led sign saying: “Happiness for chosen, love for everyone.”

What a coincidence, he thought, leaning against the shop’s wall and closing his eyes. A quick break, and he would start looking for a hotel. Just a moment—

Without hearing any approaching steps, a sudden warm touch graced his cheek. He abruptly opened his eyes and craned his neck, only to discover Hua Cheng standing before him. He was tall, yet in Xie Lian’s eyes, he looked small at that moment.

His mind came back to the warm sensation on his cheek. “What’s this?” He asked, indifferently.

“Hot green tea. Drink it, you must be freezing.”

“I don’t need—”

“Gege,” Hua Cheng said firmly, cutting him off mid sentence. “Please, let me explain. I know you don’t trust me anymore, but…,” he pleaded.

Xie Lian closed his eyes again, basking in the warmth of the drink in a can. How smart, to create a hot drink in a tin like this.

“I didn’t notice earlier, but where’s your baggage?” Hua Cheng asked, concerned, yet unaffected by Xie Lian’s silence.

“They lost it.”

“So you ran off with nothing on you? What did you plan on doing, gege? In a place you don’t even know?”

Xie Lian snapped on him. “Why do you even care? It’s my problem, not yours.”

“It’s my problem,” Hua Cheng asserted, taking a step closer to Xie Lian. Since Xie Lian rested his back on the wall, he had nowhere to run. “Because I do care about you, gege. Let me explain. Please.”

Xie Lian was angry. But something in Hua Cheng’s voice told him to calm his nerves, at least for a bit. He had spent more than a month of his life talking with this man. Did Xie Lian have something to lose (apart from more tears) if he listened to him?

He was mad, but he was also in love with him. Even if Hua Cheng damaged Xie Lian’s trust, damn, he loved that man, or at least the personality he had created.

But what if Hua Cheng wasn’t pretending, and there was a story behind his lie?

“Fine,” Xie Lian agreed in a low voice. “But don’t expect anything.”

“Good,” Hua Cheng replied, gesturing for Xie Lian to follow him. The place they were going to, as Xie Lian suspected, might be Hua Cheng’s home.

Hua Cheng’s place was even warmer than Xie Lian had expected it to be, and after at least an hour spent outside, feeling something different than a dreadful frost was a nice change.

He took on his surroundings and came to the conclusion that Hua Cheng’s home was without a doubt a definition of comfiness. It resembled exactly the image Xie Lian had created in his head during all those conversations with Hua Cheng.

Red burgundy walls were adorned with numerous artworks hanging in a peculiar arrangement. Yellow lights, as opposed to the white, blinding ones, accentuated the depth of Hua Cheng’s art — dark, yet mysterious. Just like the owner was.

Wooden furniture fitted Hua Cheng’s old fashioned style, and god, he even had a fireplace already providing warmth.

It wasn’t the right time to admire his place, but Xie Lian couldn’t help it. He was mesmerized by the interior design.

“Give me your coat, gege,” Hua Cheng demanded, already extending his hand to take the outerwear from Xie Lian’s hands. Xie Lian obeyed without a complaint, but as Hua Cheng got hold of the coat, he stared at it as if he couldn’t really believe in what he was looking at. He furrowed his eyebrows, confused. “I thought I had told you about the weather here. Why did you take such a thin coat with you?”

“I thought you were exaggerating,” Xie Lian admitted bashfully, trying to hide the embarrassment creeping on his face. He couldn’t face Hua Cheng, because once he had said it aloud, it dawned on him, that in fact, it was silly.

“I’m surprised you didn’t freeze to death,” Hua Cheng concluded, tapping gently on Xie Lian’s shoulder. Xie Lian looked at him, furrowing his eyebrows at the sudden touch, but Hua Cheng quickly gestured to the fireplace with his finger. “Go and sit there, gege. It’ll warm you up.”

Xie Lian obeyed once more, settling himself into a red bean bag positioned in front of the fireplace. His body sank immediately into the fluffy material, and he made himself comfortable, pressing his knees tightly to his chest and embracing them with his arms. His gaze fixed on the vivid fire inside the fireplace, mesmerized by its dance. Occasionally, the wood within would crack, breaking the silence in the room.

Xie Lian heard Hua Cheng’s steps behind him — sometimes further away, sometimes closer — as if he were searching for something.

It's an unexpected turn of events, Xie Lian thought. He had flown many kilometers to see him, but it didn’t go as Xie Lian had planned. Despite everything that had happened in the last hour and those emotions he held inside, now Xie Lian was basking in the warmth in Hua Cheng’s home.

Xie Lian bit his bottom lip, holding back a sigh. He turned his head imperceptibly to steal a glance at Hua Cheng, but before he could succeed, his vision covered something fluffy. And alive.

Xie Lian jolted in his seat as a cat jumped on his face, but surprisingly, the animal was gentle in its actions, not leaving even a scratch on Xie Lian’s face. He carefully caught the cat by its underarms, pushing it away from his face.

Such a cute kitty! Xie Lian couldn’t help but smile. He took a quick glance at the cat’s face, and he realized something else as he looked at the animal.

“Is that E’ming?” He asked aloud, hoping that Hua Cheng heard him.

The cat's fur irritated his nose, prompting a sneeze, but it didn't deter the cat. He placed E’ming on his lap, keeping it away from his face, and gave its back a gentle stroke. At least the photos of E’ming Hua Cheng had sent him were real, not photoshopped.

Hua Cheng burst into the room like a storm, immediately taking E’ming from Xie Lian’s lap. “Sorry, gege. I heard you sneezed, I didn’t know you have an allergy. Stupid cat.”

“No, no, San Lang, it’s alright!” Xie Lian replied in a hurry, not giving a second thought to what he said. “I-I mean Hua Cheng. Sorry.”

Hua Cheng shooed E’ming away from them, and the animal obeyed, reluctantly.

He sat leg-crossed next to Xie Lian, keeping a respective distance between them. “It may be ridiculous to have such a request right now, but if you don’t mind, I still prefer you calling me San Lang.”

“Why?” Xie Lian didn’t pay that much attention to names, he could call people whatever they preferred, but he found himself curious.

“There’s not that much to talk about,” Hua Cheng replied simply. “I’m just used to you calling me like this.”

“Why did you choose that name in the first place, then?” Unconsciously, Xie Lian slightly turned his body towards Hua Cheng.

Hua Cheng scratched the back of his neck, fixing his gaze on the fireplace. “I thought it would be easier, I guess. To forget about those things people assigned to me — to my name — and to try to be myself. To free myself from what others think of me.” His gaze drifted towards Xie Lian, his face illuminated by the fire, accentuating even more his sharp facial features. “I know it’s hard to believe me right now, but despite everything, I have been myself while talking to you, gege. I am not pretending to be someone else.”

Xie Lian sensed a significant slowing down of time around them. With the dimmed light in the room, and the sounds of cracking wood surrounding them, Xie Lian felt like he was in one of those romantic movies Shi Qingxuan liked to watch with him sometimes, where characters were just about to kiss at any moment.

Xie Lian really wanted to understand Hua Cheng’s motives, yet just a thought about their relationship based on a lie made him sad. Why had Hua Cheng faked his photos? It wasn’t that he looked bad or disgustingly whatever it could mean, after all beauty was a subjective opinion. Xie Lian wouldn’t be lying saying that Hua Cheng, in fact, was a really handsome person. He could imagine people falling for him easily.

Xie Lian didn’t even notice he was staring at Hua Cheng without the blink of an eye, nor that he didn’t respond to Hua Cheng’s words. Only when Hua Cheng called for him with a worried tone, did Xie Lian snap from his thoughts.

“I can’t understand, San Lang. Why did you fake your photos? It’s not like you look like a completely different person. I mean, the real you and you in those photos. You just… softened your features? And… removed an eyepatch?”

Xie Lian noticed the sudden change in Hua Cheng’s attitude. His shoulders stiffened, and his breath quickened. He covered the eyepatch with his hand.

“It’s ugly.”

Xie Lian blinked, not understanding the meaning behind Hua Cheng’s words. “What?”

“My face. It’s ugly.”

“Are you kidding me?” Xie Lian asked, surprised, getting up from the bean bag. He narrowed the distance between them by crouching at Hua Cheng’s side, but, to Xie Lian’s surprise, Hua Cheng didn’t flinch away. “What’s ugly about your face?”

Hua Cheng laughed nervously, averting his gaze again. “You really want me to point out everything I dislike in my face, gege?”

Xie Lian replied, straightforward. “Yes?”

Did Xie Lian imagine this, or did Hua Cheng’s cheeks seem to take on a light pink tint?

“People are afraid of my expression,” Hua Cheng said, nervously grasping at the hem of his shirt, playing with the soft fabric. “Since I remember others have accused me of thinking highly about myself, that I believe I’m better than them. Sometimes it’s true, yeah, but it's just what my face looks like. I may be bored, but people receive it as insolence,” he laughed with derisive amusement.

Since Hua Cheng wasn’t looking at him, Xie Lian didn’t find fixing his own gaze at Hua Cheng embarrassing.

“That’s all?” Xie Lian asked.

“No.” There was a silence between his words, then Hua Cheng continued in a quiet voice. “The worst is my eyepatch. Or rather what is hidden behind it.”

“Why?” Xie Lian had a feeling that the eyepatch was the root of Hua Cheng’s low self-esteem, even if Xie Lian, subjectively, didn’t find it bothering.

But who was he to judge people’s complexes? He had his own, too.

Hua Cheng covered that part of his face with his hand once again. “I had an accident, years ago. In effect I lost my eye, and the skin around it is all wrinkled and full of scars. It’s hard to look at it, even myself.”

Xie Lian nodded in understanding. Talking about own weaknesses was a tough nut to crack. “I don’t pity you, it’s my own subjective and honest opinion. For me, you are really handsome, San Lang. I don’t find those things you said disgusting in the slightest.”

Hua Cheng looked at him with his lips slightly parted, noticeably taken aback by Xie Lian’s words. “You really mean it?”

Xie Lian smiled, nodding again. “You said you want to meet me in person, but how did you plan on explaining that faking-appearance thing? You would have to spill it out eventually.” Xie Lian pointed out. Surprisingly, his mood changed.

“Apologies, gege.” Hua Cheng smiled slightly, resting his hands on his knees. “I hadn’t expected our relationship to take such a turn nor that you would come by yourself to see me. Not that quickly, though.” He chuckled, but then his smile changed into a frown. “When I noticed, it was too late to say anything. I wanted to tell you, really, but I was afraid you would stop talking to me.” Hua Cheng clenched his hand nervously once again. “It’s silly, but I didn't want to lose you, gege. Turns out I did. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t,” Xie Lian said in a whisper. “I just need more time. To trust you again.”

Hua Cheng opened his mouth to say something, but Xie Lian cut in. “And I have to apologize to you, too. I undermined your trust by coming here without you knowing. I didn’t know whether you were ready to meet me or not, and I took such an important decision without agreeing with you. I’m so sorry, San Lang.”

Hua Cheng closed his eye, exhaling deeply. “Don’t be. At least I feel lighter knowing you know the truth.” Opting on drifting towards another subject, Hua Cheng asked, “Are you hungry? The flight here must have taken a lot of your energy.”

Only when Hua Cheng pointed it out, did it dawn on Xie Lian how hungry he was. Luckily, his stomach didn’t decide on making weird noises and didn't embarrass him further in front of his friend.

“A bit, yes.”

Hua Cheng grinned. “Only a bit? And then I thought I would impress gege with my cooking skills.”

Initial anger had dissipated, replacing it with excitement again. It would take time for some things to come back as they were before, but Xie Lian wasn’t as disappointed as before. If he could, he wanted to make sure the person before him was his San Lang, not a creation. He would take in a handful what the world had prepared for him.

“If that’s the case, then I’m extremely hungry.”

Nodding in approval, Hua Cheng stood up, ready to head to the kitchen when the sudden knock on the door caught their attention. They looked at each other, but Hua Cheng shrugged, and Xie Lian said, recalling something. “The taxi driver said my coming here won’t prevent him from coming here. Perhaps it is him?”

“You met He Xuan?” Hua Cheng asked, making his way towards the door.

“Was it He Xuan?” Xie Lian asked, excited, following after Hua Cheng. “He was exactly as you described him!” He laughed.

“Isn’t he?” Hua Cheng smugged, opening the door. As he noticed the newcomer, his posture quickly straightened up, alarming Xie Lian, who immediately peeked behind Hua Cheng’s back.

Xie Lian’s eyes beheld a woman in her early fourty, with her smile as bright as the sun peeking through the clouds after several hours of storming. She was short, almost two heads shorter than Xie Lian (who wasn’t the tallest person in the world), but even with her amicable aura, Xie Lian was sure he didn’t want to mess with her.

With her blinding smile, her gaze was fierce, almost like…

“Mother?” Hua Cheng asked, taken aback. He immediately moved aside, inviting her inside, which the woman accepted, passing by him with a confident step.

“Darling!” She called, taking Hua Cheng in a tight embrace. She stood on her tiptoes, but even that wasn’t enough to hug her son properly. She took a moment to bask in his warmth, but then, noticing they weren’t alone, she asked, “Oh, you have a guest?”

Feeling like an intruder, Xie Lian took a few steps back, withdrawing from their space. He introduced himself, stammering on his words. “M—My name is Xie Lian! I’m San— Hua Cheng’s friend. I didn’t know he was expecting someone, sorry for the intrusion.”

“You’re not—” Hua Cheng tried to explain, but his mother cut in, releasing Hua Cheng from the embrace.

“No, no, don’t worry! He had no idea I was coming, I wanted to surprise him!”

“Oh,” Xie Lian sighed with relief. He had a nice timing with Hua Cheng’s mother though, both of them coming unexpected. “Nice to meet you, madam.”

She came closer to Xie Lian, placing both hands on his shoulders. “Aiyooh, he didn’t mention that he has such a cute friend! How long have you known each other?”

Hua Cheng tried to interject again, ineptly. He hid his face behind his hand and sighed, listening to Xie Lian’s and his mother's vivid conversation.

“Less than two months,” Xie Lian replied shyly, stealing a glance at Hua Cheng, but his gaze quickly returned to Mrs. Hua. “I wanted to surprise him, too.”

“Oh?” She hummed, animated. Xie Lian felt her scrutinizing gaze all around him, almost as if she wanted to check whether he was suitable for being her son's friend. “Do you live close by?”

“N—no,” his voice broke, betraying his sudden nervousness.

She smiled at him genuinely. “So you stay here?”

At that, Xie Lian felt at loss. Before he came here, he had assumed Hua Cheng would let him spend some nights in his house, but now he wasn’t sure whether he should stay or not.

Xie Lian threw aside the whole affair with Hua Cheng hiding a few details about himself — he just didn’t want things to be awkward between them. He looked at Hua Cheng again, searching for an answer, and surprisingly, Hua Cheng was already watching him with a steady gaze.

“Yeah, he stays here,” Hua Cheng replied instead of Xie Lian, staying beside him. “I assume you stay here as well, mother?”

She nodded cheerfully.

Trying to maintain an unfazed expression and desperately hiding his rapidly beating heart in response to Hua Cheng's firmness, Xie Lian asked, “Are you not from here, madam?”

“Unfortunately, no,” she replied, her gaze dropping. “Although I sometimes visit my lovely son.”

They looked cute, Xie Lian thought. Hua Cheng was lucky to have such a loving mother, who despite Hua Cheng’s age, still came to check on him. He shook his head fondly, at the same time turning down an unpleasant thought that appeared in his mind about his own parents.

Xie Lian wanted to comment on the sight he had before his eyes, but his words got stuck as he felt another, this time bigger hands on his shoulders. “You two, come and sit. I will make something to eat,” Hua Cheng said, leading Xie Lian towards the table not that far from them. His hands didn’t leave Xie Lian’s shoulder on their way.

Hua Cheng pulled a chair for Xie Lian, but lingered on withdrawing his hands from his body. He did, eventually, but before that, he gave him the last, firm squeeze. Hua Cheng pulled a chair for his mother, too.

Xie Lian already missed the pressure on his shoulder, but he contented himself with watching Hua Cheng. He was happy to see his silhouette bustling around the kitchen, connected with the living room. He smiled despite himself.

His return to reality was prompted by Hua Cheng's mother's chuckle. When he shifted his attention back, he realized she had been observing him the entire time. Clearing his throat, he smiled sheepishly at her. “Where do you live, madam?” He asked, attempting to revive the conversation.

“In the capital,” she replied without missing a beat. “It takes me a few hours to get there, so I was a bit worried my little Hong Hong’er might have not been at home since I couldn’t get through him.”

“Hong Hong’er?” Xie Lian repeated, surprised.

“Ahh, that’s how I’ve been calling him since he was a baby.”

“It suits him,” Xie Lian said, almost to himself, propping his chin on his palm. His gaze once again drifted towards Hua Cheng, who was so absorbed in his work that he didn’t pay attention to the conversation Xie Lian had with his mother.

“What do you do for living?” This time it was Hua Cheng’s mother's time to ask a question.

Fair, Xie Lian thought, bringing his attention back to the woman sitting before him. “I edit someone else's articles, but sometimes I write my own,” he replied, hoping that she wouldn’t ask for details.

“Oh, that's interesting! It’s not surprising then that my Hong Hong’er got acquainted with someone who has attraction to creative things.”

Xie Lian waved his hand in embarrassment. “No, no, my profession can’t be compared to the one San Lang does. He has a greater artistic sense.”

Xie Lian didn’t even realize he called him “San Lang” in front of his mother, but the woman did, raising her eyebrow in amusement. However, she didn’t comment on another nickname her son had.

“What kind of articles do you write, then?”

Words got stuck in his throat. Hua Cheng knew what kind of job Xie Lian had, and he knew Xie Lian wouldn’t write an article about their friendship, although the same couldn't be said about his mother. After all, she didn't know Xie Lian, and he didn't want to make a bad first impression in front of her.

Xie Lian tried to find the right words to go around without lying about his work, but then Hua Cheng called him from the kitchen. “Gege? I know you’re my guest, but would you lend me a hand for a bit?”

Xie Lian mentally praised him. His savior!

“Excuse me, madam,” Xie Lian apologized and jogged to Hua Cheng’s side. Once he stood next to him, he asked, “How can I help you?”

Hua Cheng watched him for a moment before he replied, a wide smile creeping onto his face. “Stir the stew?” He asked, passing a wooden spoon to Xie Lian. Their fingers brushed accidentally.

“Okay,” Xie Lian replied, excited. He wasn’t the best cook, but standing next to each other like this in Hua Cheng’s kitchen, it almost looked like—

Hua Cheng sent him one more fond smile and reached for the cabinet, taking out three bowls. He placed them on the table, saying something to his mother, but Xie Lian couldn’t distinguish the words he spoke.

Five minutes later, the three of them gorged themself with the spicy stew, talking amicably at the same time.

For the first time in a while Xie Lian remembered how it felt to have family, even if he didn’t belong here.

“Mother, you can take the guest room,” Hua Cheng turned to his mother as the woman got up from the table. She nodded knowingly at him and left the living room, yawning.

And that's when it struck Xie Lian. Hua Cheng had said that Xie Lian could stay here, but the question of where to sleep hadn't crossed his mind. His eyes scanned the room, even considering the carpet, but eventually settled on the couch in the living room. It should do, Xie Lian thought. However, Hua Cheng noticed the uncertainty in Xie Lian's expression and quickly reassured him, “I won’t let you sleep there, gege. You can take my bedroom.”

Xie Lian jolted, and turned towards Hua Cheng. “I would never!”

“You’re my guest,” Hua Cheng countered. “Anyway, the couch will make your back hurt.”

“So how can I let you sleep there, too?” Xie Lian cried, concerned. He wouldn’t mind a little pain as long as he had a roof over his head.

Hua Cheng sighed. “Not that we have a choice. I have only one guest room, gege.”

An idea occurred to him. He had once shared a bed with Feng Xin, even if they were kids back then, but it shouldn't be much of a difference, should it?

“Let’s share a bed, then. If you are comfortable with it, of course.”

Hua Cheng’s breath quivered. “Never mind about me, but you—”

“I’m fine with it,” Xie Lian replied, shrugging.

Later that day, when the clock struck midnight, Xie Lian felt something was wrong with Hua Cheng.

They both were preparing themselves for bed, and Xie Lian, feeling slightly embarrassed about sharing a bed, slipped under the warm duvet. It wasn't the same as sharing a bed with Feng Xin — Feng Xin was a friend; Hua Cheng was someone Xie Lian had a crush on.

He watched Hua Cheng fussing around the room, but couldn’t hold back any longer, forcing himself to ask, “San Lang?”

Hua Cheng turned his head and hummed in question.

“You don’t feel comfortable with me all around, do you?” Xie Lian asked, biting his lower lip.

Hua Cheng accidentally dropped a shirt he held. “What? How did you come to that conclusion?”

“It’s just my guess, but you don’t act as confident as you did during our phone calls,” Xie Lian replied honestly, fidgeting the duvet between his fingers.

Hua Cheng sighed, not bothering to pick up the shirt from the floor, and sat on the edge of the bed, very close to Xie Lian. “I want to believe in what you said earlier, gege.” Seeing Xie Lian’s hesitantly expression, Hua Cheng clarified. “About you telling me I'm… not what people think I am. I need more time, just like me getting back your trust.”

Well, Xie Lian knew Hua Cheng was right. It was impossible to convince yourself of something totally different from what people had been saying for years about you. He just hoped he wouldn’t force that on Hua Cheng — there was no point in this if Hua Cheng didn’t believe himself that he wasn’t disgusting.

“I still can go find a hotel for the night if I’m imposing on you too much,” Xie Lian added, hoping it would lighten the mood.

But Hua Cheng sent him an amused look. “First, you are not imposing on me at all. Second, you won’t be able to find a hotel. The nearest one is halfway from here to the airport.”

“So thanks to you I don’t have to sleep on the street,” Xie Lian laughed, but Hua Cheng’s expression grew somber.

“I would never let you sleep on the street. No matter what.”

Sensing a flush creeping onto his face, Xie Lian turned abruptly and laid down, covering himself with a blanket which made Hua Cheng laugh heartfully.

For the first time since they had faced each other, did Xie Lian hear him laugh like this. Hua Cheng had laughed many times during their calls and experiencing it live was even better.

Soon Xie Lian felt the bed sinking, but this time on another side. If he lowered the duvet, he would see Hua Cheng lying next to him.

He wondered if Hua Cheng was watching him.

To his disappointment, when the duvet wasn’t covering his face anymore, he did see Hua Cheng. Not his face, but his back. And between them was a respective distance.

“Goodnight, San Lang,” Xie Lian whispered and extended his hand towards Hua Cheng, but withdrew it halfway when Hua Cheng wished him a good night, too.

Exhaustion finally hit him, and he didn’t even realize when he fell asleep.

In the morning, Xie Lian once again realized that he wasn’t a character in some kind of a cheap romantic movie.

His body hadn’t drifted towards Hua Cheng’s during his sleep, moreover, when he opened his eyes slowly, the other wasn’t even in bed.

He sat up and rubbed his eyes, dispelling the rest of his sleepiness. He felt pretty rested, which surprised him. He shouldn’t complain about his own bed; after all, at least he had a bed in his own apartment. However, the one Hua Cheng had was a way better!

The clothes Xie Lian had worn yesterday were neatly folded on the night table next to his head. To his surprise they smelled differently, did Hua Cheng wash them for him?

He brought them closer to his face, sinking in the smell. His heart ached again.

With a fresh mind, he recalled all the events from the evening before. He had come to see San Lang, but it turned out his name was Hua Cheng. Despite the revelation, he wanted Xie Lian to continue calling him San Lang, so Xie Lian complied.

Xie Lian had initially felt betrayed, but Hua Cheng told him the story behind it. Xie Lian believed him, and the initial anger slowly dissipated. Throughout the evening, Hua Cheng acted like he always did during their calls, even if he was a bit more nervous around Xie Lian. Not that Xie Lian minded; he felt a bit nervous too.

During the night, nothing had happened, either.

Xie Lian sighed, pushing away the clothes from his face. He threw himself on the bed again, staring at the ceiling as conclusions flooded into Xie Lian’s mind.

He was here, because he was in love with him. Hua Cheng’s lies didn’t discourage him, more to say, he wished he could have hugged him after his confession. But he hadn’t done that, because he felt it wasn’t the right time to make intimate gestures.

His heart would chase after Hua Cheng, but his mind would stop him halfway, saying: If he lied to you once, it wouldn’t be a problem for him to do it one more time.

There was nothing Xie Lian could do. He didn’t want to leave Hua Cheng’s side yet, so he would enjoy each passing day here.

Back in his clothes, Xie Lian descended to the living room, where Hua Cheng, with a cup of coffee in hand, was already sitting at the table, lazily scrolling through his phone.

A step under Xie Lian’s foot cracked, betraying his presence. Hua Cheng’s head snapped upwards, but once he noticed it was Xie Lian, he smiled at him fondly. “Gege’s already up?”

Xie Lian nodded, taking a seat in front of him.

“You must have been awfully tired,” Hua Cheng pointed out. “You didn’t even stir in your sleep when I got up from bed.”

Realizing that Hua Cheng had seen his sleepy face made his heart quicken in beats. “I hope I didn’t take too much space in your bed.”

“Nonsense,” Hua Cheng replied, getting up from the table. “I’m gonna make you a coffee, gege. Dark coffee, was it?”

“Ah, yeah. Thank you, San Lang.”

Hua Cheng turned his head only to smile at him again.

The entire atmosphere felt homely. The lively dance of orange flames in the fireplace continued, even though it was morning. The window was persistently attacked by irregularly shaped snowflakes. The ambiance in the living room was intensified by the soft strains of rock music.

Xie Lian felt nostalgia rising inside him. “Your mother is such a warm person,” he said aloud, propping his chin on his palm. His whole attention was captured by Hua Cheng’s movement in the kitchen.

“Yeah, she is. But sometimes gets on my nerves, being too caring.”

“What do you mean?”

Hua Cheng placed a cup of coffee in front of him. It smelled good, just like one of those Xie Lian sometimes would get from his favorite coffee shop.

“She comes here every year afraid I’d spend Christmas alone. Not that I care about it.”

Xie Lian’s smile faded away slowly. As he spoke, his attention became fixed on the coffee before him. “Perhaps you should. You should cherish your relationship with her, because those bonds we have with other people are the most unstable things in the world.” Hua Cheng stared at him, taken aback, and Xie Lian snapped from the mood he found himself suddenly in. “I’m sorry, you should do as you wish. It’s just me talking, I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be sorry gege,” Hua Cheng replied, still baffled. “You’re right, I should be grateful I have someone like her in my life. I do appreciate it, but it’s just sometimes too much.”

They sat in silence, occasionally the sound of sips from their coffees could be heard. Xie Lian took it as an opportunity to finally let Shi Qingxuan know that everything was alright (he omitted the truth he had learned, though). Surprisingly, he received a message back from them rather quickly, as if they had been staring at their phone the entire time, waiting for any signal that Xie Lian was still alive.

Shi Qingxuan [11:16]
GOD A-LIAN I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS BUT I’M HAPPY THAT EVERYTHING TURNED OUT TO BE ALL RIGHT AND YOUR SAN LANG ISN’T A FIFTY YEARS OLD CREEP
SEND ME SOME PHOTOS OF YOU TWO PLEASE?? DON’T HAVE TO BE NOW, ENJOY YOUR EACH OTHER’S PRESENCE
and remember about protection 😘😘

Xie Lian abruptly put the phone on the table, its screen pressed down. His cheeks flushed dark pink as Shi Qingxuan’s last words still echoed in his mind. He groaned, and buried his face in his hands.

Hua Cheng raised an eyebrow, not hiding his curiosity. “Something happened?”

“No. Don’t worry.”

He didn’t press on Xie Lian to say more. Instead, he suggested, “Would you like me to show you around? This city isn’t big, but there are some places worth noting. And I bet you wouldn’t like the idea of sitting in my place the whole time.”

“I like your place,” Xie Lian admitted, trying to hold down his emotions. “But you’re right, since I’m here it would be a shame to not go and see what your city offers.”

Hua Cheng grinned. “It’s a date, then.”

Xie Lian hoped to go on a little trip on foot, but Hua Cheng insisted on using his car. If they wanted to visit more places, Hua Cheng’s idea was, inevitably, better.

Xie Lian hopped inside the vehicle, already feeling comfortable. The interior of Hua Cheng’s car was simple and neat; the seats were made from black leather, and from the front mirror hung two little, silver butterflies.

At this, Xie Lian’s observations ended since he didn’t know much about cars.

“Ready?” Hua Cheng asked once he got inside, fastening his seat belt.

Xie Lian nodded. However, before Hua Cheng drove out of the garage, Xie Lian asked, though his voice wasn’t as steady as it always was. “San Lang? I believe you follow road rules, but would it be a trouble for you to drive… slow? I mean, very slow?”

“Not a problem,” he replied without asking questions for which Xie Lian was truly grateful.

Xie Lian smiled weakly at him, then asked, “Where are we going, exactly?”

Hua Cheng hummed. “We had coffee already, but there’s a nice coffee shop running by an old couple. Since gege is a big fan of sweets, I thought you may be interested.” He had already driven out of the garage, passing by the houses in his neighborhood. As Xie Lian requested, he drove slowly and carefully.

“What kind of sweets? I’m not a picky-eater, but when it comes to sweets—”

Hua Cheng chuckled. “I know. They are known for mini treats.”

Ah, of course Hua Cheng knew. They had talked about it once or twice.

Xie Lian tried not to look excited, but his eyes betrayed him, anyway, making Hua Cheng laugh even harder.

They made it to the coffee shop after thirty minutes of peaceful driving. Still inside the car, Xie Lian stretched his arm above his head; surprisingly, there was enough space to not hit the roof with his hands. A yawn escaped his mouth.

At the sight of him, Hua Cheng smiled, fondly shaking his head. He got out of the car and Xie Lian followed; he didn’t even notice that Hua Cheng was already by his side, waiting for him.

They took a few steps forward, but then Xie Lian slipped, much like a cartoon character on a banana peel. His slipping, however, was rationalized; the temperature was below zero degrees, and the surface was slippery. With Xie Lian’s usual lack of luck, it was inevitable that his ass would hit the ground sooner or later.

His heart quickened; gasping, he waved his arms frantically, attempting to regain balance. Yet, before his body could meet the unforgiving pavement covered in a mix of ice and snow, Hua Cheng caught him by the arms.

His body twisted at a weird angle, and Hua Cheng might have exerted a bit too much force, but Xie Lian didn't slip completely.

They stood in this awkward position for a moment, with Xie Lian trying to comprehend what had just happened. A firm, yet concerned voice from above snapped him out of his thoughts. “Are you alright?”

“Oh, yeah. I’m clumsy sometimes,” Xie Lian replied, attempting to play it off (he almost slipped in front of Hua Cheng, goodness!). He escaped Hua Cheng’s grasp only to falter again. This time, Hua Cheng caught him more gently, as if he had already predicted Xie Lian would lose his balance once more.

“Relax,” Hua Cheng warned him, though he didn’t sound angry.

Xie Lian looked at him, baffled. “How is it you still stand firm? It’s so easy to fall over here!”

Hua Cheng helped him stand upright and then guided Xie Lian’s hands to catch onto his shoulders. “Hold on firmly, gege,” Hua Cheng instructed. “And show me the soles of your boots.”

Without questioning, Xie Lian obeyed. He moved even closer to Hua Cheng, with his hands firmly placed on his shoulders, and lifted his right leg.

“Gege came here completely unprepared,” Hua Cheng concluded after examining Xie Lian’s boots. “These shoes you have may be warm inside and waterproof, but they lack adhesion. For the past few days, the surface hadn’t been as slippery as it is now, but still.”

Xie Lian’s head snapped upwards. They were very close to each other, but Xie Lian had another worry in mind now. “What should I do, then?”

Hua Cheng hummed. “You have two options. First, we can go to a shoe store, and you can pick another pair.” Seeing Xie Lian’s discontented expression, he continued, “Second, you can hold onto me. I won’t let you fall again.”

Without hesitation, Xie Lian chose the second option.

“Very well,” Hua Cheng said, hooking his arm with Xie Lian’s with one swift motion.

For a moment, Xie Lian thought that Hua Cheng would hold him by the hand. However, Hua Cheng still chose to maintain a respective distance between them, avoiding any accidental and unnecessary body contact.

Hua Cheng’s hold was firm, safely leading Xie Lian inside the coffee shop.

Xie Lian and Hua Cheng walked inside together. When they crossed the threshold, the ho ho ho sound welcomed them, startling Xie Lian. Hua Cheng laughed at his reaction.

The smell inside was incredible. Coffee aroma was mixed with the freshly baked bread, because as it turned out, they didn’t sell only mini treats here.

Xie Lian took in his surroundings and was immediately mesmerized by the simplicity in decor. The interior wasn’t extensive, but enough for a few tables spread out over the entire surface with a kept distance between them. Family photos were placed on the wooden walls, emphasizing the family atmosphere hanging in the air. Christmas decorations couldn’t be missing, too.

Then Xie Lian realized what was in front of them. Feeling like a child in a daze, he let go of Hua Cheng’s arm, and with a quick step came closer to the counter, revealing all kinds of mini treats. Different in shapes, size, colors, taste — Xie Lian couldn’t decide on what kept his eyes.

“San Lang, there are so many of them,” Xie Lian gasped. He had assumed in advance that Hua Cheng followed after him and kept talking without looking in his direction, though he quickly reprimanded himself.

He might have felt like he was in Heaven, mesmerized by the sight before him, but it wasn’t kind of him to treat Hua Cheng like this. He turned away, only to notice that Hua Cheng was already watching him with amusement painted on his face.

Xie Lian felt a blush creeping slowly on his face.

“Taking all of them is impossible,” Hua Cheng said, a bit disappointed. “But we can have a few of them that caught gege’s attention the most.”

“It’s still too much,” Xie Lian laughed, rubbing his forehead. “Can you choose something for us? I bet you will be more successful at that than me.”

Smiling, Hua Cheng nodded. He pointed at the table, gesturing to Xie Lian to sit there.

“What about payment?”

“Gege doesn’t have to worry about it. We will settle it later,” Hua Cheng reassured him.

Five minutes later, Hua Cheng returned with a tray full of sweets. As it turned out, Hua Cheng wasn’t monothematic in his selection; he chose a few mini treats with different colors and shapes.

Taken aback, Xie Lian realized that everything was to his liking. Hua Cheng made an excellent choice.

“Let me take a few photos first,” Xie Lian said, fishing for his phone. “Shi Qingxuan will be jealous.”

“Take your time,” Hua Cheng replied, propping his chin on his hand. He watched Xie Lian with a fond expression again.

“It’s so comfy here,” Xie Lian noted, encouraging Hua Cheng to take pastries for himself once he was done with taking photos.

Hua Cheng obeyed, selecting the simplest one. It was round, and from the outside it was covered in a burgundy tone. It wasn’t adorned with even a splash of cream on it.

Xie Lian observed as Hua Cheng sliced it in half, holding his breath. To their mutual surprise, it resembled a miniature red velvet cake inside.

“It must be delicious!” Xie Lian clasped his hands together.

Without getting a bite of it, Hua Cheng pushed the plate towards him. “Gege can have a first taste.”

“San Lang…,” he groaned, pulling the miniature red velvet cake back. “It’s yours.”

Hua Cheng pouted, though Xie Lian couldn’t take him seriously. “I want to share with you.”

Knowing that Xie Lian wouldn’t emerge victorious, he sighed and took a bite with his own dessert spoon. Only after that did Hua Cheng taste it too.

“So,” Xie Lian began, fidgeting with the spoon he held. “You don’t feel the magic of Christmas anymore, San Lang?”

Raising his gaze from his plate, Hua Cheng shook his head. “Not that I have ever felt that way, anyway. My mother was always working late; I barely saw her at home as a kid. No one showed me what that atmosphere truly means.” As something else dawned on him, he added, “But my attitude towards it doesn’t have to affect you, gege. As long as you are happy doing Christmas things, I'm happy too.”

Xie Lian played with a lock of his hair. “Would you like me to show you what the magic of Christmas looks like through my eyes?”

At first Hua Cheng seemed to be surprised, but he quickly composed himself. “What do you want to do, gege?”

“Well, you already have a reindeer in your yard. It’s a good thing to begin with!” Xie Lian exclaimed, excitement slowly building inside him. “I suppose you don’t have a Christmas tree hidden somewhere, do you?”

“No.”

Something dawned on him, hidden behind Xie Lian's excitement. Averting his eyes, Xie Lian felt hesitant before asking, “Do you even want to feel the Christmas mood, San Lang?”

If he didn’t, there was no point in doing these things with Hua Cheng if he would find them boring.

Hua Cheng seemed to ponder, then replied honestly, “If that makes you happy, gege.”

“It’s supposed to make you happy.”

“If gege is happy then am I. Let’s give it a try.”

Xie Lian didn't know if that way of thinking was right, but he let it be. He already had a certain idea in mind, and if it were too much for Hua Cheng, he wouldn't complain. If he could make Hua Cheng see Christmas as he did, he was up for the challenge.

“What about placing a Christmas tree in your house, then? I remember that just the mere thought of decorating it with my mother made me excited. My father was too busy to join us, but we always managed to do it without his help.

Hua Cheng asked, curious. “What else did you do, gege?”

Xie Lian pondered, scratching his chin. “It’s not that we celebrated Christmas as people in movies do. We had a Christmas tree, and sometimes I baked cookies with my mother, but besides that, we didn’t do anything special that day. Just spent time together, I guess.”

“Just that made you feel the mood?”

Xie Lian nodded. “Well, that day was one of those I could spend with both my mother and father. Perhaps that’s why I like Christmas. Even though they are no longer with me, I cherish those precious moments.”

The silence fell between them, and Hua Cheng passed another miniature version of cake towards him. Xie Lian accepted it, unconsciously making a mess of it as he lost himself in his thoughts.

“If I'm honest, that’s why I came to see you now, not a month earlier or later. I hoped I could make new memories I would cherish, but with you,” Xie Lian confessed.

“I’m sorry I ruined it, gege.” Hua Cheng looked as if feeling guilty devoured him from inside, and Xie Lian didn’t like it.

“No, San Lang, you didn’t ruin anything. Aren’t we already making our memories together?” Xie Lian asked, gesturing with his hands at their surroundings. They hadn’t started perfectly, but Xie Lian was keen to cheer on what the world would give him. Or Hua Cheng.

Hua Cheng hesitated, but eventually released the air he was holding, relaxing his posture. “So we want a tree?”

Xie Lian looked at him, smiling. “It doesn’t have to be big, we can find smaller one, so it can stand on a table—”

“Nonsense,” Hua Cheng huffed. “I like doing things on a grand scale.”

They made a trip to another city in search of a Christmas tree and decorations, with Hua Cheng insisting on paying for everything.

“It’s going to stand in my house, gege, why would I let you pay?”

And who Xie Lian was to argue? Hua Cheng was right, but truth be told, Xie Lian felt a bit guilty since it was his idea to get Hua Cheng a tree.

Making Christmas shopping with Hua Cheng was actually funny. He constantly made comments on how people could possibly buy decorations that looked like a Santa Claus who seemed to have been through something, with messed-up colors and proportions. They bought it anyway, as Xie Lian pointed out that the Santa Claus’s expression resembled the one He Xuan had made when he drove Xie Lian to Hua Cheng’s place.

There was also a set of Christmas baubles that caught Xie Lian’s attention, but it was placed beyond his reach. Just like in one of those movies Shi Qingxuan had once watched with Xie Lian, Hua Cheng helped Xie Lian get them, reaching from behind Xie Lian. (Xie Lian understood why the female protagonists always felt mesmerized after the male lead helped them — he felt that way too).

When it came to buying a tree, Hua Cheng wasn’t exaggerating about doing things on a grand scale. He chose the bigger one — so big that it couldn’t possibly fit in the car, and they ended up ordering home delivery.

It should be at Hua Cheng’s place in a few hours, so they had to wait until the evening to decorate it.

On their way back home, they drove to a local restaurant, ordering takeaway. Going through all those aisles in search of decorations, full of people, made them too tired to make dinner once they got home.

Perhaps Mrs. Hua could prepare something if she were at home. Unfortunately, she wasn’t, mentioning that she would be off for a few hours as she went to pay a visit to her old friend.

Once back at home, Xie Lian flopped onto the couch, feeling the remnants of energy leaving his body. Only then did it dawn on him that, in reality, he was acting as if he were in his own apartment — feeling decidedly too comfortable (and perhaps not in line with social norms). He corrected his posture, sitting straight with his hands resting on his knees.

“I like when gege feels comfortable here,” Hua Cheng admitted, sitting next to him and passing one of the plates with the food to Xie Lian. “Make yourself feel at home.”

Xie Lian accepted the plate gratefully, and god, he felt at home. Was it wrong to admit it so quickly? He looked at Hua Cheng hesitantly. “I don’t know if I should.”

“Why not? You may be my guest, but you are also my friend. I don’t like it when He Xuan makes himself comfortable here, but with you— it’s different,” Hua Cheng said, stating it as a fact.

Xie Lian averted his eyes to stare at the food before him. If Hua Cheng kept saying things like this, Xie Lian’s heart wouldn’t last for long.

Once the evening came, Mrs. Hua was still with her friend, leaving the two of them all alone at Hua Cheng’s place. The Christmas tree had arrived, and Hua Cheng was wrestling with it, trying to spread each branch so it could look somewhat presentable; the tree was plastic, so at least it didn’t make too much mess on the floor since its needles were firmly glued to the branches.

The tree was tall, just like Hua Cheng; he didn’t need a stool to fix the tip of it, in contrast to Xie Lian, who needed one when he decided to help with spreading the branches.

The music played on, creating an atmosphere around them — not too loud, though, as they still kept talking while working on the tree. At first, Xie Lian played Christmas songs, but they quickly agreed that they were too cringy to listen to. In the end, Hua Cheng took charge of choosing the songs. Xie Lian liked them so far.

Xie Lian took the Santa Claus decoration they had bought out of the box, holding it in his palms. He couldn’t help but chuckle at the memory of why Hua Cheng insisted on buying this one.

Noticing Xie Lian’s sudden giggle, Hua Cheng looked out from behind the tree, curious. Once he realized the reason, he walked over to Xie Lian, extending his hand. “Gege, give me this one. I want it to be visible for He Xuan when he comes here.”

“You really like him, don’t you?” Xie Lian asked, passing the Santa Claus. He turned around to take another decoration from the box.

“I hate him,” Hua Cheng said, and from his tone, Xie Lian could swear that Hua Cheng cringed at the mention of his other friend. Looking from behind his shoulder, Xie Lian confirmed it; Hua Cheng made a funny face, sticking out his tongue.

Two hours later, the tree was done, fully decorated. Hua Cheng turned the lights in the room off, switching on the Christmas lights on the tree.

They stood side by side, admiring the result of their work. The Christmas tree looked wonderful, shimmering in every possible color, adorned with many, more or less beautiful decorations.

Xie Lian turned his head to catch a glimpse of Hua Cheng, who seemed even more mesmerized by the sight before him. Xie Lian wondered, was it the first time Hua Cheng looked at the tree from this distance?

He smiled, feeling tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. That was the kind of memory Xie Lian had hoped to create with Hua Cheng.

The third night at Hua Cheng’s place wasn’t as peaceful as the other two. Exhausted but happy at the same time, Xie Lian fell asleep without trouble, but during the night, unpleasant images started to follow through his sleepy mind.

His body moved forth and back on its own, and incomprehensible words escaped his mouth, stirring Hua Cheng from sleep. Not knowing what was happening, Hua Cheng sat up abruptly, but his attention was immediately caught by the sight of Xie Lian next to him.

He turned the bed lamp on, illuminating Xie Lian’s face. Pain was painted all over his features.

He gently tapped Xie Lian’s shoulder, hoping it would be enough to wake him up, but his efforts were fruitless.

“Mother,” Xie Lian whispered, and a tear rolled down his cheek.

Hua Cheng’s heart sank. This time, he shook him firmly, squeezing his hands around Xie Lian’s arm, and a moment later, he succeeded as Xie Lian opened his eyes.

“San Lang?” He asked with a hoarse voice.

Hua Cheng withdrew his hands but still leaned over him slightly, with a distance between them that was smaller than usual. Still a bit dazed, Xie Lian reached out, catching him by the neck into a tight embrace.

Hua Cheng almost crushed him with his body, but at the last moment, he propped his arms on both sides of Xie Lian’s head.

“Gege?” Hua Cheng asked, surprised.

“Just a moment,” Xie Lian replied in a shaky voice. His action surprised him, too, but he was too scared to let Hua Cheng go.

He had always avoided initiating physical contact with others, yet having Hua Cheng in his arms felt right.

Hua Cheng hugged him back, and Xie Lian’s body relaxed in an instant. “Better?” Hua Cheng asked him.

“Mm.”

Xie Lian withdrew his hands, breaking the hug they shared for what felt like five minutes, at least. They both sat up, and Hua Cheng extended his hand to take one of the locks of Xie Lian’s hair that stuck to his sweaty forehead.

Xie Lian accepted the gesture.

“Can you lend me more clothes? These ones are all sweaty, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Hua Cheng said, getting up. He searched for something for Xie Lian to change into until he felt satisfied with his choice. He then passed the clothes to Xie Lian.

Xie Lian took a little more time to calm himself once he locked himself in the bathroom. He tried to be as quiet as possible to avoid waking up Hua Cheng’s mother, whose room was next to the bathroom he used. He looked at his reflection in the mirror, noticing that his eyes were still red from tears gathered in the corners, not to mention the bags that had appeared under his eyes.

He washed his face with cold water and quickly got changed.

To his surprise, once he returned to the bedroom, the bedside lamp was still turned on, and Hua Cheng laid down with his arms crossed under his head, staring at the ceiling. When he noticed Xie Lian was back, his gaze shifted to him.

Xie Lian quickly sank under the duvet. “Thanks, San Lang. You can go back to sleep.”

“Would you like to talk about your… dream?” Hua Cheng asked hesitantly.

Xie Lian’s breath hitched at the question. Did he want to talk about it?

He turned to the side to face Hua Cheng, who was already lying on his side, too, closely watching Xie Lian’s changing expression.

Xie Lian searched for the right words. “I told you once that my parents are dead, didn’t I?”

Hua Cheng nodded.

“Just like tonight, sometimes I’ve had dreams about them. Or to be more precise, how they died.”

“You witnessed it?” Hua Cheng asked, terrifying.

Xie Lian smiled miserably. “I almost died, too. We had a car accident; an accelerated truck hit us, crashing in the front with my parents there. The back of the car was crushed, but luckily, the side I was sitting on was almost intact. The driver ran away, and I managed to get out of the car, but then…”

Hua Cheng reached for his hands, squeezing them, and Xie Lian continued, taking a deep breath. “The car exploded with my parents inside. They were dead, anyway, but still… Later, special forces couldn’t even get their bodies back. There was nothing to collect. It’s a miracle I’m still alive, I guess.”

“I’m glad you’re alive,” Hua Cheng said, and a tear rolled down his cheek. Xie Lian reached out with his other hand to wipe it from Hua Cheng’s cheek.

“I’m glad, too. After all, I could meet you.”

“Gege…”

“San Lang?” Xie Lian asked hesitantly. “It may be a weird request, and you are free to refuse if you are not comfortable with it, but would you… would you mind hugging me once again? I feel I—”

Hua Cheng didn’t let Xie Lian finish his sentence as he shuffled closer, clumsily embracing Xie Lian's waist with one hand and using the other to push it under his neck. Xie Lian didn't want to be outdone; once Hua Cheng was willing to cuddle him, he wanted to reciprocate the gesture.

Hua Cheng rested his chin atop Xie Lian’s head, and Xie Lian himself shuffled even closer to Hua Cheng, not leaving even an inch of space between their bodies. They didn’t even bother with turning the lamp off.

“I won’t let you go for even a minute, gege.”

Closing his eyes, Xie Lian nodded. He basked in the warmth of Hua Cheng’s body until he fell asleep again.

The next morning, surprisingly, Xie Lian didn’t wake up alone in bed. Hua Cheng held him still, firmly, not letting him go. His breath was calm and steady, indicating that he was still asleep.

Hua Cheng’s body was warm, at moments even too much.

Yesterday, Xie Lian had been too tired to notice, but now, fully rested, with his face still pressed to Hua Cheng’s chest, he got to know what Hua Cheng smelled like. Was it jasmine? Xie Lian pondered. Even if it wasn’t, the smell of his body was good. If someone outside were to see them, and specifically noticed what Xie Lian was doing, they might call him a pervert. However, he didn’t mind since there were only the two of them, and Hua Cheng was asleep, so he wouldn’t realize it, too.

Should Xie Lian wake him up? Or pretend to be asleep? He felt his body getting sweaty again, and it would be a shame to dirty another set of pajamas with his sweat so soon. Not to mention Hua Cheng’s arm under his neck — it most likely went all numb!

Xie Lian decided to get up without waking Hua Cheng; he tried to slip from the embrace, and he almost did it, but at the last moment, Hua Cheng got hold of him again, drawing Xie Lian towards him.

Just pulling him wasn’t enough; Hua Cheng, still asleep, and with Xie Lian on top of him, managed to turn on his other side, drawing Xie Lian along. Then, satisfied with his action, Hua Cheng mumbled something under his breath, snuggling into Xie Lian’s body.

Feeling defeated, Xie Lian hugged him back, waiting for the other man to wake up.

It took Hua Cheng an hour to wake up. Still in daze he mumbled “gege”, but upon hearing a response close to him, very close to him, his eye snapped open immediately.

Xie Lian watched him and laughed at his reaction. “San Lang, if only you could see your face, haha.” Sensing Hua Cheng's embrace loosen, Xie Lian slowly got up. “Good morning. I hope you slept well,” he said, turning his head with a bit of embarrassment.

Hua Cheng fixed his eyepatch that had moved over his face during his sleep. “Best sleep in years, actually.”

Xie Lian felt not just his cheeks getting hot, but even his ears. Without looking back at Hua Cheng, he quickly ran off to the bathroom.

That morning it was Hua Cheng’s mother who prepared them breakfast.

Xie Lian and Hua Cheng descended to the living room together, talking animatedly about everything and nothing when Mrs. Hua called them both, a bit upset. “You two! Finally! It’s almost dinner time!”

They replied at the same time, with Hua Cheng countering, “No one eats dinner at such an early hour”, and Xie Lian saying in a gentle tone, “Sorry, Mrs. Hua. We didn’t mean to.”

She sighed, resigned, and Xie Lian turned to Hua Cheng to scold him. “San Lang, be nicer.”

“I tried to wake you up, but my heart decided against it after seeing you two tangled with each other,” she said playfully, teasing them. She made a spiraled movement with her hands, trying to recreate how they had looked. Seeing both of their flushed reactions, she felt satisfied and returned to making breakfast.

Once the breakfast was served, and the trio was eating in silence, Hua Cheng’s phone broke the handing around them calmness, making sounds. At first he rejected the call, but as he put the phone on the table, it rang again.

“Maybe you should pick it up?” Xie Lian suggested. “It seems to be important, since someone calls you twice in a row.”

Hua Cheng sighed, and did as Xie Lian said, getting up from the table. He approached the window, and with a mixed tone of boredom and irritation, he asked, “What do you want?” A pause. “Are you kidding me?” Another pause, but then he looked at Xie Lian, and averted his gaze quickly. “Ughh, fine. But you owe me some favors. Not just one.” He hung up and came back to the table, sighing again.

“A rough conversation, huh?” Xie Lian asked.

“Let me guess,” Mrs. Hua said, pointing her chopstick at Hua Cheng. “Was it He Xuan?”

“How can you guess?” Xie Lian asked, surprised.

The woman laughed. “He always makes a face like this whenever He Xuan calls.”

She was right. Irritation was all over Hua Cheng’s face.

“Gege, apologies. I will have to leave you alone for a while.”

“Are you going out?” Xie Lian inquired.

Hua Cheng nodded, but Mrs. Hua contradicted Hua Cheng’s previous words. “He won’t be alone. We can hang out together.”

Xie Lian smiled at her genuinely. “That would be lovely, Mrs. Hua.” Then, looking at Hua Cheng, he reassured him, “Don’t worry about me, San Lang. I’ll be fine. We both will be,” he corrected himself.

They shared another smile between them and returned to having breakfast.

An hour later, Hua Cheng left the house.

Mrs. Hua assured Xie Lian they wouldn’t get bored, and soon they both made themself comfortably on the couch near the fireplace. Mrs. Hua had mentioned earlier to Xie Lian that she was interested in crocheting, and she even took a few projects she had started with her. Xie Lian couldn’t help but wanted to get to know more about it.

Just like mother, like son, both loved manual working!

She passed him a plush toy she had started crocheting on the plane, showing him on her phone what it should look like in the final result. It was a dog, but even such a simple animal was complicated to make. The woman said she needed a few hours to have it completed, and Xie Lian was in awe.

He encouraged her to crochet in front of him, finding it interesting, so she shouldn’t worry about him getting bored.

She smiled at him and got to work. After what felt like five minutes of silence, she asked, not hiding her curiosity. If Xie Lian could guess, he could also read worry on her face. “Are you really just a friend of Hong Hong-er?”

Xie Lian didn’t expect such a question, and he felt at a loss for words. She noticed his reaction and added, “Forgive me my straightness, I just never saw him that happy around anyone. Not even around his two friends that sometimes show up here.”

“Really?” Xie Lian asked.

She nodded. “I wasn’t sure about yours relationship at the beginning, even after you introduced yourself as his friend, but after what I saw today, well…”

Xie Lian scratched his forehead. “Unfortunately, you have misunderstood, madam. We are just friends.”

“Do friends usually cuddle each other in such an intimate way?”

“He tried to comfort me,” Xie Lian said. “But I would lie if I say I don’t see him… as someone more than a friend. Our relationship is complicated.”

“How is so?” She asked, not really understanding the meaning behind Xie Lian’s words.

Xie Lian took on a complicated expression. Should he talk about it with her? She was trustworthy, sure she was, but on the other hand it involved her son. Would Hua Cheng be mad at him after saying one or two words about them?

His gaze dropped to his knees, and he fidgeted with his fingers. “Let’s say that he broke my trust.”

“Does it have anything to do with his low self-esteem?” She inquired, not surprised by Xie Lian’s confession.

His eyes widened. “How do you know?”

“That child of mine,” she sighed deeply. “He doesn’t want to talk with me about it, and I won’t put pressure on him too, after all he’s an adult, but if the problem still exists…”

“I’ve tried to convince him, too,” Xie Lian said. “But my words will come to nothing if he doesn’t understand his beauty on his own.”

“So you haven’t given up on him?” She asked, a flame of hope noticeable in her voice.

“I can’t.” Xie Lian smiled weakly. “Of course, I was mad at him at first, but we talked about it. I told him I want to trust him again, but truth be told, I‘ve been falling in love with him even more with each passing day.”

“Does he know about it?”

“No. I’ve never confessed to him. Sometimes I’m afraid he doesn’t see me as more than a friend, but then I recall those smiles and looks he’s been sending at me. I don’t know,” he trailed off.

“I think you've answered yourself, but as I said, not only is he an adult, but you are too. Just so you know, as his friend, I doubt you’ll be able to stay here with him for long. You have your own life on the other side of the country, don’t you?” She smiled weakly.

“What if he rejects me, anyway? Not that I deny his feelings towards me, it’s not like that, I’m just… I’m afraid he may do it out of guilt, for lying to me.”

Mrs. Hua stopped crocheting suddenly, and her gaze drifted towards the ceiling as she leaned against the back of the couch. She searched for the right words. “What I am afraid of is that unless you try, you won’t know. He won’t take a step towards you on his own. He’ll be satisfied with what he has as long as you’re by his side, even just as a friend.”

“You may be right,” Xie Lian cried, hiding his face in his hands. He didn’t know Hua Cheng for long, but the time they had spent together here and during their calls was enough to come to this conclusion.

And another realization was that Hua Cheng, whom Xie Lian had spoken to during their calls, and the Hua Cheng he had met in person were the same person.

It was his San Lang, and if Xie Lian wanted them to be more than friends, it was his turn to make a move. He would confess his feelings to him.

“Mrs. Hua, can you do me a favor?”

The lights in the living room were turned off. The only source of light was coming from the fireplace; Xie Lian himself added more woods here, making the flames even bigger as they were. Xie Lian looked at the message Hua Cheng had sent him almost twenty minutes ago.

San Lang
I’m on my way home, gege. I took us a takeaway, hope it’ll be to your liking. 🤞

Hua Cheng should be there at any moment. God, he was so nervous; if he could, he would tear his hair out and bite his nails. But he couldn’t, he had to look presentable. It was one of the most important moments in his entire life, even if Hua Cheng would reject him.

From his running thoughts snapped him out the sound of a car; Hua Cheng’s car. He was here, he would use his key and open the door at any moment—

And he did, actually.

“Gege?” Hua Cheng called, baffled after noticing the lights were off. He came inside, closing the door behind him. With one swift movement, he took off his shoes.

At the same moment Hua Cheng turned the lights on, Xie Lian turned on Hua Cheng’s favorite song.

Hua Cheng’s head turned towards the sound immediately.

In the center of the room, next to the couch where they had spent hours together talking and laughing, Xie Lian stood with a few pieces of cardboard in his hands. He bit his lower lip, but soon calmed himself down. It was San Lang; everything would be alright, no matter the outcome.

Once their gazes met, Xie Lian smiled. Shock was visibly painted on Hua Cheng’s face.

“Gege, what are you—”

Xie Lian flipped the cardboards to the other side. Even though he was silent, the note on the first one spoke for him:

YOU MAY THINK YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH

Xie Lian threw aside the first cardboard, and the next one said:

BUT FOR ME, YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH

Hua Cheng’s eye widened, and Xie Lian maintained eye contact with him.

Third cardboard hit the floor, revealing another one:

PEOPLE MAY THINK YOU ARE A MONSTER, AND THAT MAY AFFECT THE WAY YOU THINK

Another cardboard said:

BUT TO ME, YOU ARE PERFECT

Hua Cheng’s voice was hoarse. “Gege—”

Xie Lian didn’t say a word. On another cardboard was written:

ONLY AFTER HAVING MET YOU DID I REDISCOVER THAT IT’S SUCH A SIMPLE THING TO BE HAPPY

Hua Cheng took a step forward hesitantly, and Xie Lian noticed willing tears in Hua Cheng’s eye.

Holding the last cardboard, emotions took Xie Lian over, too. A tear slowly rolled down his cheek.

IF YOU LET ME, MY HEART WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

Xie Lian stood barehanded, but the song kept playing.

“San Lang,” Xie Lian called in a whisper. “The one standing in infinite glory is you; the one fallen from grace is also you. What matters is ‘you’ and not the state of you. You said that yourself, didn’t you? I finally understood the meaning behind these words,” he said, taking a step forward. Hua Cheng moved, too.

Standing in front of each other, Xie Lian realized that Hua Cheng was trembling. He reached out to place his hand on his shoulder. “San Lang—”

“Gege,” Hua Cheng cut in. “What. Why.” He gulped. Words were leaving his mouth with difficulty as he cried.

For the first time Hua Cheng showed him that side of himself; Xie Lian had never seen him crying, nor even as he had confessed his lie to Xie Lian. Back then Hua Cheng had been sad, miserably even, but he hadn’t shared a tear.

Seeing him like this now made Xie Lian’s heart ache terribly.

“I’m not worthy of you,” Hua Cheng finally cried.

“San Lang.” Xie Lian took Hua Cheng’s face into his hands firmly, forcing eye contact with him. “I love you. I love you so much that it's hard to hide it anymore. Even your lie hasn’t changed my feelings towards you.”

Hua Cheng closed his eye as Xie Lian wiped away a tear from his cheek with his thumb. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore. Seeing you upset back then frightened me to the core. What if this happens again?” Hua Cheng asked, terrified.

“It's human nature to hurt each other,” Xie Lian explained in a gentle tone. “And I don’t mind it as long as you are honest with me. Always, no matter what. Please, look at me?”

Hua Cheng obeyed, whispering. “I love you, gege. Being with you makes me the happiest man in the world. Even if we don’t know each other for long, I’ve fallen for you immediately.”

Xie Lian grinned through the tears. “I’m honored it’s been me.”

“Gege,” Hua Cheng said hesitantly, covering Xie Lian’s hand with his own, which still touched his wet cheek. “May I kiss you?”

Xie Lian didn’t hesitate for even a moment. “Always, San Lang.”

Xie Lian stood on his tiptoes as Hua Cheng lowered himself to have a better access to his mouth. The first touch of their lips was hesitant, as if they both tested the water, but soon it changed into a heated, romantic kiss.

One of Hua Cheng’s hands stayed on Xie Lian’s, but the other one rested on Xie Lian’s neck, deepening the kiss.

The song came to an end, and the only sounds that could be heard were made by them, with their lips desperately searching for each other.

Xie Lian, feeling that he might faint at any moment, both from lack of air and these emotions, broke the kiss gently. He opened his eyes only to realize that Hua Cheng was already watching him.

“I thought you never kissed anyone,” Xie Lian pouted. “You are so good at this, San Lang.”

“And who says that,” Hua Cheng laughed heartily. His hands made their way to Xie Lian’s waist, keeping him close. “Gege almost made my legs wobble.”

Xie Lian let himself lean into Hua Cheng’s chest, feeling comfortable. “I’m so happy, San Lang. You make me feel that way.”

“I want you to always be happy, gege. If I can make that happen, then I will never leave your side,” Hua Cheng declared.

“Are you sure? I may be a nuisance for you, and I don’t even know how to cook.”

Hua Cheng nuzzled Xie Lian’s nose gently. “Nonsense. I pray gege always cooks for me. And you are not a nuisance. Never.”

Hua Cheng led them towards the couch, sitting on it. Meanwhile, he stole a quick kiss on Xie Lian’s lips. With their knees bumping into each other, Xie Lian leaned against Hua Cheng’s side. Their hands were intertwined.

“I can’t believe gege chose the way to confess from such a trash movie. But,” he trailed off, kissing the knuckles of Xie Lian’s hand. “I will always remember it. It was perfect.”

“I’m glad you like it.”

Although they were happy, Hua Cheng took on a solemn expression all of a sudden. He squeezed Xie Lian’s hand. “But you are leaving after the New Year. What’s gonna happen… with us?” He asked hesitantly.

“What is your wish, San Lang? Tell me.”

“I want to be with you. All the time,” he replied firmly without missing a beat.

“You have your job here, San Lang. Not to mention this house,” Xie Lian gestured with a casual wave to emphasize his point.

“And so do you,” Hua Cheng countered simply.

“I rent an apartment,” Xie Lian replied. “Besides, I’ve planned on quitting my job.”

“Why?” Hua Cheng inquired, noticeably taken aback by the news.

Xie Lian looked at him. “My love life is not a failure anymore. And editing someone else’s articles got me bored.”

Hua Cheng’s eye shimmered as bright as stars at night. “Gege, will you move in here?”

Though nothing was said, Xie Lian’s expression was enough for Hua Cheng to understand what he wanted. He leaned forward to catch Xie Lian’s lips once again, this time not afraid that his legs would betray him.

Hua Cheng managed to move Xie Lian on his lap, not breaking the kiss for even a moment. Xie Lian, not really knowing what he should do with his hands, rested them on Hua Cheng’s chest, occasionally squeezing his shirt.

The way Hua Cheng kissed him was incredible. He playfully licked Xie Lian’s bottom lip and the corners of his mouth, as if asking for permission to take the kiss to the next step.

Xie Lian greedily welcomed him. Once Hua Cheng slipped his tongue inside, touching Xie Lian’s, he moved his tongue lower, licking his lingual frenulum, and it felt good.

So good it made Xie Lian moan. Embarrassed that he was able to make such a sound, Xie Lian quickly broke the kiss, hiding his face in Hua Cheng’s chest.

Xie Lian had kissed someone once, but it had never developed into such a passionate kiss like he had with Hua Cheng. He had never moaned before. Was he even supposed to make noises during the kiss? It was stronger than him, but–

“What’s wrong, gege?” Hua Cheng asked, trying to take a look at Xie Lian’s face, but it was the last thing Xie Lian wished for now.

Xie Lian pressed his face even harder to Hua Cheng’s shirt, not letting the other to see him. He felt his cheeks must be as red as Hua Cheng’s clothes.

“Did I do something wrong?” Hua Cheng inquired, concerned. He gave up on trying to look at Xie Lian’s face, retreating his hands to rest on the couch.

Xie Lian shook his head. He didn’t want to say even a word, but after hearing Hua Cheng worried, he had no other choice. “No. I did.”

Hua Cheng rested his chin atop Xie Lian’s head, murmuring, “What gege did wrong?”

“A weird sound.” It felt so embarrassing to admit it!

“I didn’t hear anything weird. I heard gege making a beautiful sound, something that made my heart beat even quicker. I felt like I might pass out at any moment.”

“What?” Surprised, Xie Lian raised his head, even if Hua Cheng’s chin had already been on the top, making their noses brush against each other. Perhaps if Hua Cheng focused on Xie Lian’s eyes, he wouldn’t notice how red his cheeks were.

“Pray I could hear it again,” Hua Cheng pleaded.

How beautiful Hua Cheng’s face looked. “Is it… normal?” Xie Lian asked hesitantly.

Taking the opportunity, Hua Cheng shifted his head back, choosing instead to cradle Xie Lian’s face in his palms. At that moment, Xie Lian possibly couldn’t hide any longer. “I have no experience, but,” Hua Cheng said slowly. “If gege feels good, then why hold back? At least I know what gege likes.”

“I like everything you do to me,” Xie Lian blurted. If he couldn’t hide, he would close his eyes, at least. He said it without thinking, and the possibility of seeing Hua Cheng’s reaction terrified him.

Xie Lian felt Hua Cheng’s soft lips on his right, then left cheek. Then on his forehead. On his mouth. Between his eyes. On his nose.

“Does gege like this, too?”

Xie Lian, curious, peeked with one of his eyes, only to notice the spreading blush on Hua Cheng’s face. Not just on his cheeks, but even his ears took on a red tint. How adorable, Xie Lian thought.

“I like it,” Xie Lian replied, lifting himself a bit. He didn’t want to be outdone, so he reciprocated the gesture, starting from Hua Cheng’s right eye, hidden behind an eyepatch. Xie Lian felt he had to kiss this place more, starting from now on.

Hua Cheng tensed under him at first, but relaxed as Xie Lian moved to other parts of his face. When there was not even a spot left to kiss, Xie Lian sat back on Hua Cheng’s lap, keeping his gaze fixated on Hua Cheng’s face. “Do you like it, too?” Xie Lian asked, flustered.

Hua Cheng smiled at him. “Yeah. Very much.”

“If something feels even better, make these sounds, too. So I know what you like.”

“I like everything you do to me,” Hua Cheng repeated Xie Lian’s words from a moment ago. “But if gege really wants to discover it on his own…,” he teased, lifting Xie Lian with him from the couch, only to lay the other man flat on the soft material, hovering above him. “Gege has to kiss me more. Much more.”

And Xie Lian did, throwing away the remains of embarrassment and hesitation.

Later that evening, once Mrs. Hua returned from her friend, she found them tangled with each other, peacefully sleeping on the couch, and the cupboards left on the floor, long forgotten.

“I’ll miss your mother,” Xie Lian said with his suitcase (that he luckily had gotten back) in one hand, and the other holding onto Hua Cheng’s hand.

“I thought she would never let go of you.”

“Are you jealous?” Xie Lian teased, but after seeing Hua Cheng’s mischievous look he knew it was a bad idea.

“What if I were?” Hua Cheng asked, stooping to Xie Lian’s level. Their noses almost grazed each other.

Taking an opportunity, Xie Lian gave him a peck on the lips. “Don’t be. Hopefully I’ll see you sooner than her.”

Hua Cheng’s smile weakened. “It's still going to be two months, gege. Just the thought of it makes me sad.”

“Then don’t think about it,” Xie Lian let go of his suitcase to take Hua Cheng’s face into his hands. “It will be as it was at the beginning of our friendship.”

“But gege is not just a friend anymore,” Hua Cheng replied, placing a gentle kiss on Xie Lian’s lips. “Gege is my boyfriend now. How am I going to survive without your sweet kisses?”

“I gave you as many as I would give in a year, San Lang.” Xie Lian felt his cheeks heating. “And not only that. Besides, I don’t want to leave, but I have to finish things there.”

“I know.” Hua Cheng sighed dramatically. He placed another kiss on his lips, this time longer. “I’ll miss gege’s warmth in my bed, too.”

Xie Lian raised an eyebrow. “Are you going to list everything you will miss?”

“You want me to?” Hua Cheng grinned, and Xie Lian’s cheeks reddened even more after realizing the second meaning of his words. Xie Lian virgolousy shook his head.

Their blissful moment was interrupted by the loud announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the final boarding call for flight XXXX800. All passengers are kindly requested to proceed to gate…

Still looking at each other, they were unable to hold tears anymore. It was Xie Lian who broke the silence first. “I will be back, San Lang. I promise. Just wait for me.”

Hua Cheng grabbed his waist, embracing tightly. He rested his forehead on Xie Lian’s shoulder. “I will wait forever if I have to,” he promised, his voice shaking.

“It won’t take that long.” Xie Lian embraced Hua Cheng’s neck, hugging him even more tightly than Hua Cheng did. They moved their heads slightly to share the last kiss — long and deep. It didn’t matter whether others saw them; at the moment only they existed.

Reluctantly, their lips parted.

“I have to go, San Lang,” Xie Lian said, but did nothing to accomplish it.

Hua Cheng nodded, releasing his hold on Xie Lian’s waist. He looked at his own hand, and as if he realized something, he took off one of the rings he was wearing.

In Xie Lian’s humble opinion, the beautifulest one.

Without hesitation Hua Cheng took Xie Lian’s right hand and put the ring on his ring finger. Taken aback, Xie Lian asked, “San Lang?”

“Let’s make it the object of our promise, gege,” Hua Cheng announced, squeezing his hand.

“It looks like you are proposing to me,” Xie Lian said, covering his face with another hand in embarrassment.

Hua Cheng pouted. “My proposal will be more breathtaking.”

“My goodness, San Lang…,” Xie Lian groaned, but couldn’t hide his wide smile.

Lady on the speaker repeated the announcement about boarding, and Hua Cheng withdrew his hand. “Call me when you land and once you get home, okay?”

“I will.” Xie Lian wiped a tear from his own cheek, and reluctantly, turned away. He took a few steps, but a sudden impulse made him turn away again. Already feeling yearning gathering inside him, he sprinted towards Hua Cheng. He embraced him again, hiding his face in Hua Cheng’s black coat. “I love you, San Lang.”

Hua Cheng exhaled deeply, his jaw trembling. Without a second thought his arms encircled Xie Lian. “I love you too, gege. I always will.”

“Mm.”

They stood like this for a few seconds, then without looking at Hua Cheng, Xie Lian turned away again. “If I see your face right now, I won’t leave. Forgive me.”

Hua Cheng laughed. “Okay. Don’t look.”

Xie Lian nodded, and this time, successfully left Hua Cheng alone in the airport.

Once Xie Lian was seated inside the plane, he took his phone to check new messages since he still could do it. To his surprise, beside the one from Shi Qingxuan, there was another, from Hua Cheng.

San Lang
[image attached]
If gege couldn’t look at me there, I hope he can do it now.

Xie Lian’s heart flipped. Hua Cheng sent a selfie. He must have taken it not long ago since his eye was red from tears, not to mention the wetness on his cheeks. Most surprisingly, Hua Cheng had actually taken a photo of himself.

Was this his big step towards self-acceptance?

me
I will. ❤️

Awfully tired, Xie Lian finally left the airplane. He called Hua Cheng, then sorted the paper work out and received his suitcase. He didn’t even have time to scan his surroundings in search of Shi Qingxuan, when he heard them shouting and waving energetically at him. “A-LIAN, OVER HERE!!! I’M SO GLAD YOU ARE BACK!!!”

“Shi Qingxuan,” Xie Lian groaned, making his way towards them. Once in his reach, he didn’t hesitate to hug them tightly. “I’m back.”

They gasped, though quickly snapped from the initial shock. “Wow, that San Lang of yours has really changed you. You have never hugged me before.”

Xie Lian looked at them with a solemn expression. “About San Lang,” he said firmly, releasing the hug but still holding their hands. “There is something I hid from you. I want to tell you about my boyfriend whose name is not San Lang, but Hua Cheng.”

With his cheeks flushed from cold, Xie Lian entered his favorite coffee shop. He made an order and took a seat by the window. His fingers were a bit frozen, but it didn’t prevent him from pressing a video call button. It didn’t take a signal from Hua Cheng to pick up.

Xie Lian smiled immediately after seeing his favorite person. “Still working on something, San Lang?” Xie Lian asked, propping his chin on the left hand and holding the phone with another. “You look beautiful like this.”

“I didn’t even say a word, yet I gained a praise from gege already,” Hua Cheng sighed dramatically. Xie Lian noticed that Hua Cheng did that a lot more times since their parting. “But to answer your question, my dear gege, yes. Though I haven’t planned on staying that long.”

Xie Lian hummed. Hua Cheng set up his phone holder nearby to still be able to work on his art. He didn't place it too far away because he wanted to see Xie Lian properly, though. From this angle, Xie Lian could see Hua Cheng's silhouette as he sat on a wooden stool with an easel in front of him, working hard on his piece of art.

They often talked like this after their parting.

Hua Cheng ran a brush over the canvas with precision before shifting his attention toward Xie Lian. “How has your day been, gege?”

“You know. I’ve quitted writing articles, so the only task left is correcting someone else’s. One month more and they will never see me again.”

Hua Cheng smiled. “Mm. One more month.”

Two missed calls

San Lang
Gege, gege. You told me to wake you up, yet you don’t pick up my calls. If you were besides me, I would have my own methods to bring you back to consciousness quickly.

me
[image attached]
I’ll send them to you tomorrow. I hope it’s not too much stuff?

San Lang
Honestly, I thought it would be more. If I had to, I would throw my stuff to make room for yours, gege.

me
…
don’t even think about it

“I can’t believe Hua Cheng has taken you from me,” Shi Qingxuan pouted, clinging onto Xie Lian’s neck. “You’re leaving me alone here, A-Lian.”

“You're welcome to visit me anytime,” Xie Lian replied, patting their back.

As Xie Lian reflected on it, Shi Qingxuan had taken good note when he revealed the truth about Hua Cheng. Initially, they had been upset at Hua Cheng for lying, but witnessing Xie Lian's happiness led them to accept him.

Even if Xie Lian’s relationship with Hua Cheng meant Xie Lian’s moving out.

“I will, someday. I still owe Hua Cheng a punch or two.”

There was a two hour break between Xie Lian’s flights, and as he had promised to Hua Cheng, once he left the first plane he had to call him. After taking a seat at the lounge, he took his phone out of his small bag.

Initially they had agreed on a video call, but noticing those huge bags under his eyes and ruffled hair, he opted for a voice call instead.

Hua Cheng picked up immediately.

“San Lang,” Xie Lian greeted him, tired, but happy.

“Gege,” Hua Cheng said, and Xie Lian could almost hear him smiling. “Why a voice call? I wanted to see you.”

“San Lang, I look terribly,” Xie Lian groaned.

“Nonsense. No matter what, gege always looks beautiful, even with bags under the eyes.”

“You know me well, don’t you?” Xie Lian smiled to himself. “So… should I video call you?”

A pause. Then, “Only if gege is comfortable with it.”

“Give me a second,” Xie Lian replied, hanging up. He tried to fix his hair as best as he could, then chose the video call button.

Hua Cheng answered even quicker than before, but Xie Lian wasn’t mentally prepared to see his beloved half naked.

So that was the reason why Hua Cheng insisted on a video call instead of voice call.

“San Lang?? Where are your clothes?” Xie Lian whispered, afraid that others could hear him.

“I have a towel around my waist, gege.” Seeing Xie Lian's doubtful expression, he added, “I just got out of the shower. Gege was more important than putting my clothes on. Besides,” he trailed off, but his tone already had a teasing manner. “I wanted to see your reaction. I’m satisfied.”

“You’ve planned on turning me on?” Xie Lian groaned, hiding his face in embarrassment.

“Oh? Does it have an effect on you already, gege?”

Reluctantly, Xie Lian withdrew his hand, only to notice that nothing was covering Hua Cheng’s waist anymore. Instinctively, Xie Lian put his phone to his chest, preventing someone else from seeing his beloved in his full grace.

Xie Lian might be ashamed, though internally, he was incredibly happy for Hua Cheng. With a bit of therapist’s help and Xie Lian’s support, Hua Cheng made a huge progress in his self-acceptance.

In his earphones resounded Hua Cheng’s pleasantly laugh, and still covering his phone, Xie Lian whispered, “You are beautiful, San Lang. I can’t wait to see you.”

“Just a few more hours, gege.”

Xie Lian had had a bit of trouble with his apartment landlord, who made a scene about the early termination of the contract. Although with Hua Cheng’s help, it went smoothly later.

Xie Lian's boss hadn't been happy when he learned about Xie Lian quitting, but he had no choice but to accept his decision, too.

Two months after his parting with Hua Cheng, he was back. His steps were quick as he left the plane, though to other passengers’ displeasure.

He ran to receive his suitcase from the baggage claim area, even if one of the security guards told him to stop running to avoid bumping into someone.

He didn’t care. Hua Cheng was waiting for him. Hua Cheng even came two hours earlier than he had planned because he couldn’t stay at home any longer.

Longing was stronger than anything else.

Another airport employee told him not to run and Xie Lian didn’t have a choice but to obey; reluctantly though. He walked as quickly as possible.

Instead, someone else bumped into him, but Xie Lian didn’t bother to look at that person. With a firm step, it took him less than five minutes to cross the arrival area. His steps came to a halt in search of Hua Cheng. His San Lang.

His gaze desperately drifted from face to face, but he didn’t recognize any of them. His tired mind started to worry — perhaps he landed in the wrong city, or something happened to Hua Cheng, even if he had sent messages and photos, confirming that he was patiently waiting for him—

“Gege!” someone called not too far away from him, but not too close either.

Not someone. Hua Cheng.

He tried to follow the direction of his voice and finally spotted him — his tall man in a black coat. Though thinner than the one he had worn last time, after all, it was the beginning of March—

If someone was going to scold him for running again, then let it be.

He ran.

And so did Hua Cheng.

He was breathless and probably looked like a shit, but it didn’t matter. It was Hua Cheng who first extended his arm to catch him, and once Xie Lian bumped into his firm chest, he embraced him tightly.

“San Lang, San Lang, San Lang…” he repeated his name like a mantra, and in other people’s eyes he could look like a madman.

“Gege,” Hua Cheng said, not hiding emotions that crushed him as well.

Hua Cheng encircled his waist with one arm as the other one was hidden behind his back. At first Xie Lian hadn’t noticed, but then a rustle from behind Hua Cheng caught his attention.

“What’s this?” Xie Lian asked, not even trying to move away from Hua Cheng.

But Hua Cheng did break their hug, pulling something from behind his back.

Xie Lian sensed a beautiful scent in the air.

“For you,” Hua Cheng said, handing him a bouquet of peony flowers. Most of them were pink, with one white peony standing out in the middle of the bouquet. “A reunion gift.”

Xie Lian’s vision was blurred as tears started gathering in the corners of his eyes. He accepted the gift blindly, then felt something cold on his lips.

He might look terrible, but in Hua Cheng’s eyes he was the beautifulest person in the world.

Trying to get hold of Hua Cheng’s face, he deepened the kiss, tears rolling down his cheek.

Xie Lian didn’t know how long they stood there. They might have kissed each other for twenty minutes, or was it an hour?

What mattered was the warmth of Hua Cheng’s body and his lips that constantly searched for Xie Lian’s. If he noticed that Xie Lian was out of breath, he could kiss his forehead, his nose, or his cheeks.

This is what happiness means, Xie Lian thought.

“I’m back, San Lang.”

Note: The song during their confession is called《红帘前》sang by 魏晨 (OST from TGCF 2), I took the translation from “BL Galaxy” on the Youtube!