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“What do you mean there’s no room?” Regulus asks, voice so low James feels it in the small of his back.
Or, maybe, that’s just his general reaction to Regulus these days. Hard to tell when everything Reg does or says sends James into a spiral of wants he doesn’t know what to do with.
“Sorry,” the huge man he’s talking to replies. Remus scoffs, scowling at the giant ferociously. Next to him, Sirius looks like he’s a second away from crying. “Miscalculated number of guests and there is no room.”
Behind the frowning Norwegian man in snow clothes who is currently breaking the Black brothers’ hearts, several hotel guests huddle by the large, open fire in the reception. They’re waiting to be whisked away to the Husky safari. The safari that Sirius wanted to go on so badly he dreamt about it last night, according to Remus.
“But why is it us that are kicked out?” Sirius asks, throwing his arms up. His lower lip wobbles and James looks away. He’s liable to do something violent if Sirius cries. He can’t help it.
Through the window, darkness sprawls across the Finnish Lapland. They’ve been here for two days and it’s been wonderful. Everything was going according to plan, until now.
“Yeah,” Remus presses, drawing himself up to his full height. It’s impressive, admittedly. Remus is the tallest of them. But his slender limbs and generally unassuming posture don’t intimidate the Norwegian, who only stares at him blankly. “Why is it us that have to miss out? We paid just like everyone else.”
“You paid last,” the man says, shrugging. James wrinkles his nose with distaste as the ice on his moustache begins to melt and trickle over his red mouth. He truly detests him for destroying both Sirius and Regulus’ dreams.
It’s a good thing he has a plan B, but he still hates this guide for causing the people he loves this much distress.
“Can’t you just—” Regulus tries, but the man shakes his head firmly, cutting him off.
“Two can come. Two have to stay. We don’t have room for four.”
He turns on the heels of his boots, puddles of water left on the wooden floor as he gestures to the small crowd. Without another glance at the four dismayed men, the Norwegian guide strides towards the sliding double doors of the hotel and into the perennial Laponian night.
“You guys go,” Regulus says through clenched teeth. The golden light of the fire catches on the crest of his cheekbone, tinged red with disappointment and badly contained anger.
“Absolutely not!” Sirius protests, though his eyes dart towards the group. “You should go.”
“You love dogs more than I do,” Regulus tells Sirius, biting his lip. “I’m a cat person. And I’m not adopting a kid next year, so I’ll have more free time. Might come back, so I’ll have a chance to do it again.”
“Reggie—”
“Just go, Sirius,” Regulus bites out. “Go with your boyfriend. It’s a romantic activity anyway.”
James’ gut twists itself into knots when Regulus’ grey eyes flicker in his general direction for a moment. Hope has a habit of burrowing in nooks where it shouldn’t and an even more worrisome one of sprouting from nothing at all. Quickly, James tampers it all down. That look meant nothing. It was probably just a trick of the light.
Regulus is not interested in him. Not romantically, anyway. James remembers all too well the bone-deep mortification of trying to kiss Regulus last Christmas—exactly one year ago—only for him to whip his head back so fast it’s a miracle he didn’t break his neck.
“Reggie, I don’t want to leave you behind. Doesn’t feel right,” Sirius mutters, chewing on his lip.
A sigh so dramatic it would have made a Victorian woman faint escapes Regulus’ lips before he’s forcibly shoving his brother and Remus towards the door. “If none of us go, I’ll be pissed. More pissed than I am now. So, go and cause as much ruckus as you can to stick it to that asshole for overbooking and screwing me over.”
“I like that plan,” Remus says, winking at Regulus.
He smiles back, and then Remus is dragging Sirius towards the bus. Wrapped in their outdoor gear, they look about three times bigger than they are. The darkness swallows them until they’re two specks of shadow trudging over the snow towards the rest of the group.
Overhead, stars begin to twinkle one by one. It’s a cold, clear night. Perfect for auroras. James is certain they’ll be out tonight.
The piece of paper in his pocket weighs a thousand tonnes. He fidgets with it, his fingers tracing the edges of it nervously. Maybe this is a bad idea. Maybe, Regulus doesn’t care all that much.
Maybe—
“Well, this sucks,” Regulus says, dropping the act now that Sirius is safely on his way to the Husky safari. He pouts, the corners of his eyes turning downwards in disappointment. “I thought we might see the Northern Lights.”
Regulus’ voice cracks, and James has to forcibly stop himself from hugging him.
“Can’t believe we came all the way here and I’m going to miss them,” Regulus adds, turning his eyes towards the windows.
And, obviously, the hope James has been trying to kill since his catastrophic attempt at seducing Regulus a year ago is more resilient than he gave it credit for. Because here he is, almost giddy with excitement to realise that keeping quiet paid off. Here he is, left behind with Regulus. Here he is, ready to come to his rescue.
“Who said you have to miss them?” James asks casually.
Regulus’ head snaps around fast. Eyes wide, he steps closer. “You have an idea?”
“Huskies aren’t the only animals that pull sleighs in Lapland,” James says, beaming from ear to ear. He pulls out the small card he collected earlier in the village from a kind lady selling wooden carvings. Waving it in the air, James wiggles his eyebrows at Regulus and asks, “Want to go for a ride?”
❄️
The trudge through the snow from the hotel to the destination James has in mind is only five minutes worth of walking, but it feels like a marathon. And yet, surprisingly, they both undertake it with enthusiasm and giddiness.
It’s cold enough that the skin of their cheeks hurts from being exposed. With every step they take, the frigid air seeps into their bones. It should sour their moods. But it doesn’t. It seems they’re immune to negativity right this second. They’re chatting animatedly and conquering the snow that attempts to eat their boots with every step. James rubs his hands together and Regulus breathes into his. The hand warmers James had packed in his rucksack are still in their foil pouches, forgotten in the rush and excitement.
“It’s only two more blocks, hurry up,” Regulus whines as he bounces towards the stables, “we have to get there before someone else has the same idea.”
James lets out a small chuckle. Warmth simmers in his chest, spreading down each rib like molasses and pooling in his stomach. He has done that. He has made Regulus’ voice lift, and has made his favourite pair of brothers' holiday dreams a reality.
He hurries up to Regulus’ side. “Race ya,” James whispers, a shit-eating grin spreading across his face as he winks at the other boy.
The urge to bump shoulders is overwhelming, hope found anew in Regulus’ bright eyes. James tempers it instead and pulls ahead with a peal of laughter, kicking snow up behind him.
“Jameeeessss.” Reg’s voice whines behind him but he can’t stop, can’t turn around, can’t reach into himself to snuff out that hope again. James keeps running, his breath fogging up his glasses.
Shocked, breathless laughter follows him, getting closer, gaining on him. It’s a thrill, knowing that Regulus is chasing him. He would have kept running just to extend the moment if it weren’t for the fact that he’s already reached their destination.
James stops abruptly, staring at the stables right ahead. The garland trim on them is idyllic, white with powdery snow and twinkling lights. Wood painted red and slanted roofs make it the picture of Finnish architecture. It’s perfect.
A body slams into his back, pushing him forward. James’ stomach vaults into his mouth as he loses his balance and almost falls. Small hands wrap around his arms as he struggles to stay upright. They manage, finding a new centre of gravity together.
“You oaf, you can’t just stop like that,” Regulus says, pulling his hands away from James as though scalded. Oh. The hope melts and the warmth of their running and chasing, hot breaths puffing and anticipation boiling is replaced by the cold sting of the air in between them.
“Sorry,” James mumbles. “Found the stables.”
Over his shoulder, James gets a glimpse of Regulus’ flushed face. He’s fixing his scarf, the red one James got him last Christmas. It doesn’t mean anything that he has worn it every single day of this holiday, he reminds himself. Regulus didn’t have a scarf before and now he does, so he wears it. That’s all it is and all it will ever be.
“You didn’t even give me a fair chance before you ran off like a lunatic,” Reg mumbles before looking up, straight into James’ soul. Then, a spark rekindles in his eye and excitement makes his features soften. “Should we go in then, since we ran all this way?”
“Yeah. Wanna pick out the sleigh as a consolation prize?” James offers, a cloud-splitting grin grazing his face, as he heads towards the door.
Inside, the furniture is sparse but practical. Wooden chairs and a table covered with maps and brochures, a fire crackling on the side, and a counter behind which a woman with a kind smile stands.
“What can I do for you?” she asks as they enter, pulling off their gloves.
It smells of burning wood, melting ice and some sweet spice James can’t place. Under their feet, the floorboards creak as James steps closer and pulls out the card in his pocket.
“We were hoping to see the Northern Lights, do you have any sleighs and reindeer still available for tonight?”
The soft glow inside the little storefront imbues the air with holiday magic. The shopkeeper nods, wrinkles her nose. “We’ve got one left, but no guides. How good are you with a map?” she asks, a twinkle in her eye.
James glances at Regulus. “You and Moons have plenty of experience with maps, think you’re up for it Reg?”
Regulus grins and James worries he might actually melt on the spot and disappear through the floorboards. He’ll be surprised if there’s any snow left outside. He expects the soft blurry footprints they left on their way here will be nothing but puddles when that door opens again. There’s no way they can take a sleigh across the north. They’ll have to find wagons instead.
“As long as you’re up for holding the reins,” Regulus says before he hunches over a map with the shopkeeper. “Can you keep the reindeer from running off and leading us to our deaths?”
“Oi!” James protests. “Have a little faith in me!”
Regulus shrugs, and then tells the shopkeeper to show him the map.
It looks like they’re going on an adventure together.
❄️
“How many people have worn this before?” Regulus asks, horror turning his features into a comical grimace that has James biting his knuckles to keep this chortle in.
“Do you want to freeze to death? No? Then put on the gear,” the lady says, shaking her head like she’s wondering where this British tourist found the audacity.
Despite the biting cold, she’s only wearing a thick jumper over a layered skirt. Her boots are sturdy, and so is her hat, but that’s about as much protection as she’s wearing. Then again, she’s not about to go on a sleigh ride across the woods. The suit looks outrageously ugly hanging from her hands as she offers it to Regulus, clicking her tongue impatiently.
Regulus glances at James, panic making his gorgeous eyes look comically big on his face. Leave it to the threat of an unflattering outfit to be the thing to thoroughly break Regulus’ composure.
With a half shrug, James shoves his leg into his own suit. “I don’t know what you want me to do about it. It’s minus twenty five degrees out there, Reg. Your eyelashes froze just from the quick walk here.”
If Regulus finds it odd that James was paying attention to his eyelashes, he doesn’t say. Resigned, he lets out a scoff then snatches the suit from the woman’s hand. “Fine,” he grumbles. “But I’m doing this against my will and out of survival instinct only . It’s a necessity, not a choice.”
“No one will know you sacrificed fashion in the name of warmth,” James reassures him with what he hopes is a friendly and not at all besotted smile.
That makes the corners of Regulus’ mouth twitch, and James feels like he won a small prize.
Ten minutes later, they’re both wrapped in truly monstrous outdoor suits. They’re thick enough that James is tempted to faceplant on the ground just to see if he’ll bounce back up. He doesn’t, though, because he wants Regulus to think he’s cool.
They are informed that the sleigh is already fitted with blankets and furs and that the driver gets special gloves to put over their own so their hands don’t freeze from holding the reins.
“The bonfire will be here,” the lady says, marking their map. Regulus’ head is bent over it, the tip of his nose red already.
Absurdly, James finds himself resenting the cold weather. If it weren’t for the beanie, Regulus’ curls would be falling forward, dusting his cheeks and forehead.
“Where’s the best place to see the lights?” Regulus asks.
“The revontulet can be seen anywhere,” she replies.
“The what?”
“Revontulet,” she says, waving a hand upwards. “Auroras. It’s a clear night so your chances are very good. But if you’re brave, try the lake. It’s the best spot, furthest from the village lights.”
“You mean we should take the sleigh onto the ice ?”
The lady nods, looking unfazed by the note of panic in Reg’s voice. “It’s safe. You can drive a car or even lay train tracks over it. It’s that thick.”
Regulus’ breath hitches, and he murmurs, “we’ll think about it.”
Rolling the map into the outer pocket of his suit, Regulus turns to James. Excitement bubbles up inside of him. Yes, he’s doing this to impress Regulus, but he’s not immune to the magic of the Finnish Lapland. He very much wants to see these revontulet for himself. Not to mention a ride through the woods on a sleigh sounds like loads of fun, regardless of the animal pulling them.
Together, they follow the lady outside.
A single, lonely looking reindeer wanders around the pen. Its fur looks soft and thick. Healthy. The lady approaches the animal first, then gestures for them to join.
“He’s very well trained. You don’t have to worry. Here, let me show you how to direct him.”
While James gets to grips with the reins and the gestures that will guide the reindeer in charge of their adventure, Regulus examines their sleigh. It seems to be good enough for him, because when he thinks James isn’t looking, he buries his gloved hand in between the furs and blankets. Regulus smiles a full thing that splits his face in two and closes his eyes like he’s revelling in some private joke.
The yearning in James’ chest is a wave. It rises up, threatens to drown him where he stands. But then Regulus looks at him, green eyes bright and excited, and the yearning breaks. What rains over James’ heart is timid possibility. The sliver of a chance. That pesky hope sprouting and holding, growing despite having been thrust in the shade.
Maybe, just maybe, he can impress Regulus enough that he’ll change his mind about him. What does it take for someone like Regulus to like someone like James back? If only he had a list of items to cross. He’d do them all.
“Alright boys,” the lady says. “Have fun. Be safe. If you’re not back in three hours, I’ll alert the authorities.”
“Is that necessary?” James asks, alarmed.
“Someone has to recover your bodies,” the woman says. To James’ shock, Regulus laughs.
Then, they’re climbing onto the sleigh, and she’s hooking the Reindeer to it. James turns to Regulus. They’re so close, the mist of their breaths mingles together.
“Ready?”
Regulus nods, and James snaps the reins.
❄️
The terrain ahead of them is part snow, part ice. It’s dark, because this far North—they’re in the arctic circle!—the sun doesn’t rise for more than an hour per day this time of year. Given the conditions and the responsibility placed on his shoulders, James is doing everything in his power to focus on the reins in his hands.
It’s hard, though. Harder than he anticipated. All he can think about is the way Reg feels, left thigh pressed against James’ right. James could swear that, even through the snowsuit, he can feel Reg’s warmth seeping into him. They’ve been sitting like this since they got on the sleigh and nestled amongst the blankets the furs. James first and Regulus second.
Is Regulus aware of how close they are?
When they first settled, James had been too preoccupied with the proper way to hold the reins. The moment Regulus’ leg pressed against his, a tentative light touch, James told himself it was an accident. There’s not much space in the sleigh.
But with the first pull of the reins, the reindeer’s first few trots, Reg’s thigh had relaxed against his, pressing closer. James must have jostled him, or perhaps the sleigh is uneven and it slants sideways.
Desperately, James thinks of reasons why Regulus doesn’t seem to want to move away. There must be one, because James knows Regulus doesn’t feel any particular way about him. Regulus doesn’t want him. Not the way James wants Regulus. The sleigh hits a bump, jerking James out of his thoughts. Regulus lets out a soft grunt.
Focus, James, show Regulus you can do this.
“Lake should be on the left here,” Reg says while he traces the map with his gloved fingers.
James’ eyes drift over to the man next to him, bundled in extra blankets and his red scarf, the colour bleeding across the exposed skin on his face. The thick beanie on his head scrunches his soft black curls to his face and James’ eyes trace the patterns all the way to his eyelashes, catching some of the snowflakes that blow through the air.
“James.”
James blinks.
“Left?” Reg asks. “Here?”
“What, like now ?” James asks, head whipping to the left.
If the cold air hadn’t already painted a blush across his cheeks, his mortification would be obvious. He’d been lost in Reg instead of paying attention and now he’s faced with an expert sleigh handler level manoeuvre. But James is nothing if not determined. He wants Regulus to see the auroras. He’s going to make it happen, and he’ll be damned if they miss the best spot just because he was too besotted to pay attention to directions.
He steels himself. Focus, James, focus. You can do this.
“Shitshitshit—Okay hold on,” James says, breath coming out in short huffs. His hands grip tighter on the reins as he prepares to pull, hoping to coax the reindeer to switch paths sharply enough that they don’t have to loop around. The forest is dense, and James has no idea how far they’ll have to travel before they find a spot where they can do a full 360.
A hand wraps around his bicep, soft at first.
“It’s okay, even if we miss it,” Reg soothes, voice soft like the blanket holding them together in the sleigh. Not resigned like when he made Sirius and Remus get on the bus. No, this is different. Gentler. Earnest. The hope in James’ stomach grips, wraps itself around his heart.
With resolve, James steers the reindeer, pushing both of their bodies together, to the left. The hand on his arm grips, grips, grips tight. It’s impossible to ignore.
A yelp leaves Regulus and then a laugh erupts, the sound a sweet melody to James’ ears. A grin splits across his face as they see clear dark skies and an iced-over lake.
“I’d never let you miss something like this,” James whispers when the laughter subsides and a fragile silence frosts between them. He chances a glance sideways and James finds his eyes lingering on Regulus’ hand. On the way it grips his arm. He hopes it never lets go. Oh how he hopes.
“James.” His name is less than a whisper. A mouthing of lips against red fabric. That weed of hope flourishes on the lightest rays of sunshine and the smallest sprinkles of rain.
James’ eyes finish their pathway and meet Regulus’. They stay there for a small eternity. James waits. And waits. Waits for Regulus to say more, to put out the next words in whatever sentence he was starting. To rip out the roots. Kill this hope he’s been trying to ignore.
No words come. Their gazes remain locked and James swears there’s a glint in Regulus’ eyes that wasn’t there before. He would know. He spends a truly embarrassing amount of time looking and thinking of Regulus’ eyes.
They blink, and the moment is broken. James tells himself the glint is not for him. It’s for the northern lights and the wonder of riding through a forest in a sleigh pulled by reindeer. Or, maybe, it’s just that Regulus is very cold.
Resigned, James steadies the reins and stops the sleigh for a moment on the side of their path. They’re close enough to the lake now. They should be alright here, James reckons.
“Are you just as freezing as I am?” James asks Regulus, reaching for his backpack.
“Wait, why did you stop here? Are we not going out on the lake?” Regulus looks from James to the large expanse of ice and back, a frown bringing his brows together.
“You didn’t seem like you wanted to and we could probably see from the edge here,” James explains. “It’s fine. We don’t have to ride over the ice.”
Regulus’ hand finds his arm again. Squeezes, tugs, begs James to look away from the backpack. When he does, Regulus is solemn.
“I’d never let you miss something like this,” Regulus echoes. The words settle in James’ chest. Regulus’ hand leaves James’ and takes the backpack. “Come on. I’ll hold on to this, you make sure we don’t die.”
James’ barely registers to loss of warmth as the words ring in his ears.
Maybemaybemaybe.
❄️
The ice groans under their weight. The lights attached to the front of the sleigh illuminate the path ahead of them. A blanket of snow on ice over a lake larger than James would have guessed. Beyond the two beams, the world is cold darkness.
James glances at Regulus and finds him clutching the backpack like it’s all that’s keeping him together. His eyes are stubbornly fixed on the reindeer, as though he can keep them from falling through the ice by sheer force of will.
He doesn’t blame him. No matter how cool the idea of watching the Northern Lights from the middle of a frozen lake is, James has to admit actually braving the ice is mildly terrifying. He trusts the Finnish woman who told them the ice was thick enough, but a part of his brain can’t let go of the fact that they’re sliding over frozen water.
It’s only when James spots tracks on the path their reindeer is following that he relaxes slightly. Clearly, others have done this recently and it seems to have been fine.
“Oh my God, is that a snowmobile?” Regulus yelps, startling James.
The rumbling of the engine cuts through the peaceful quiet of the eternal darkness like a knife through butter. To James, the snowmobiles feel a little out of place. Too modern for such a pocket of crisp nature. There are no buildings as far as the eye can see. No traffic or hustle and bustle. No tech. No screens. Just them, and nature, and their own courage as they dare to explore it.
With thunderous noise, the intruding monstrosities speed past them and head further out onto the lake. There are three snowmobiles carrying two people on each. The doubts and hesitation James was feeling are immediately replaced by annoyance. They’re doing it wrong. Ruining their own experience. This, James thinks of their sleigh and reindeer, is how it’s supposed to be done.
“They’re a bit loud, aren’t they?”
“Fucking annoying,” James says, and Regulus laughs and he stops asphyxiating the backpack with his fingers. “You good?”
“Yeah.” He pauses, eyes flickering before he looks at James again and nods firmly. “Yes, I’m good. It’s… it’s a bit strange, no? To think there’s nothing but water around and under us.”
“It is.”
“Makes me feel small.” Regulus’ eyes flick to James’ and back to the reindeer. “But he doesn’t seem to mind.”
“I bet he’s done this a thousand times.” James tugs his scarf down so Regulus can see his grin.
The corners of Reg’s eyes crinkle, and that’s all James needs to know he’s smiling, too. Warmth unspools inside his chest, wrapping around his heart.
Maybe.
“How will we know where to stop?” Regulus asks after a few minutes of comfortable, quiet sliding over the ice. “Do… James…”
Regulus’ voice trails off as though he’s distracted. And then, he gasps a sound of profound awe so pure that James pulls on the reins just so he can check it out.
Overhead, he finds magic.
“Oh.”
Slashes of colour cross the sky like a merciless God is cracking his whip from his heavenly throne. They’re green and purple and blue. A little pink, a little red. They run between the stars like water around rocks on a river stream. James’ brain freezes, his whole body going slack with pure, unbridled astonishment.
He’s so overwhelmed by the display above them that he doesn’t immediately process Regulus untangling himself from the blankets to raise onto his knees.
“This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen,” Regulus says, tugging his scarf down like he wants the sky to hear him.
“I—” James swallows. “I don’t—”
Regulus smirks, and then his hand is finding James’ gloved one. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you speechless. First time for everything.”
“It’s just…”
“Magic,” Regulus says, eyes still trained on the revontulet above them. “James?”
“Yeah?”
“Lets chase the auroras,” Regulus says, taking the reins from him and cracking them once so their reindeer starts walking again.
James doesn’t protest. Doesn’t resist. He’s too stunned. Never in his life has he witnessed beauty like this. The fact that he’s sharing this moment with Regulus of all people? It’s too much. His brain has exited the premises, and all that’s left is his heart galloping like it wants to race up his throat.
“What?” he croaks.
“I want to touch the sky, James,” Regulus says, smiling.
There’s nothing he can say to that other than “let’s go” so he nods. Their sleigh takes off across the ice, following the lines in the sky, and even though James understands it doesn’t work like that, he feels like Regulus is really getting them closer. And wouldn’t that be something?
For the first time since Regulus alerted him of the lights appearing, James takes his eyes off the sky to look at his face. The colours play with the shadows of the crests and valleys on his features and, fleetingly, James wonders if Regulus isn’t chasing the sky in the wrong place. It’s right there in the sparkle in his eye. In the constellations of his freckles across his nose. The soft clouds of his lips.
The breath catches in James’ chest and he decides right there and there with the revontulet for witness that he’ll either earn a kiss from Regulus tonight, or he’ll give up on his unrequited love altogether.
❄️
They’re racing across the lake, turning left and right to follow the lights dancing across the sky. James’ eyes keep flitting between the stunning show nature is putting on for them and the beautiful man sitting next to him. There’s something so mystifying about the way the colours and shadows wash over Regulus’ face. He swears that he catches Reg’s eyes doing the same.
James’ hands grip the reins a little tighter as they reach the farthest side of the lake, a fully unobstructed view of the sky expanding out in front of them. He pulls on the reins finally, stopping them and letting their reindeer rest.
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” Regulus breathes in, awe apparent in his voice. His head is tilted to the sky, exposing just a little bit of his neck to the wind. James wishes he could trace his fingers along the rim of the scarf.
“Me neither,” he says, transfixed by the glow of red and green on skin so pale it looks like it might break at a harsh word.
Feeling a little out of it, James busies his hands before he does something he’ll regret. He reaches for the backpack between Reg’s legs. One hand on Reg’s knee, the other a strap, bracing and pulling. He feels Reg tense then become pliant under his touch, knee being pulled towards his own.
This is more than they’ve ever touched before. Well, the most they’ve touched sober . And there’s at least six blasted layers between them. Thick and obstructing. It hits James that he probably hates the ugly blue snowsuits even more than Regulus does. Oh, how he wishes he could magic them away in this moment just to feel closer to Regulus.
With his teeth, James takes off his glove and begins to dig around in the backpack. He had filled a double thermos full of hot chocolate and packed a little bottle of whiskey for extra warmth before their adventure chasing the northern lights.
But now, he decides he only wants the chocolate. The whiskey has the potential to ruin this, and James would rather die. He wants everything about this night, this moment under the revontulet, to be theirs. His. Could Regulus be his? Every molecule in his body wants to be Regulus’.
“I brought us a little something to stay warm,” James starts, looking up to see Regulus already watching him, pupils blown and lips parted.
He’s everything James has ever dreamed of. The sentence he started seems hard to finish now, his brain too scrambled to think of anything but how soft those lips would be, how warm the breath escaping from between them would feel ghosting over his face.
Reg quirks a brow and smirks a little. “Trying to get us pissed again?”
James bites his lip. Again . He doesn’t want a repeat of last New Years, but he owes it to himself to get everything out in the open.
“No, can you imagine? You’d probably hold the map upside down.”
He hands out the open thermos to Reg, the smell of hot chocolate permeating the air around them. He hasn’t had any yet and maybe he doesn’t need it—the way Reg is looking at him like he hand painted the aurora above them is enough to keep James warm for the rest of his life.
Regulus takes the thermos with shaky hands, eyes never leaving James’, and takes a sip. A little moan escapes him and it’s all James can do not to pass away on the spot. It’s getting harder and harder to convince himself that the heat from the hot cocoa is the only reason they’re both blushing.
“When did you even—” Reg starts, then shakes his head and sips again.
James grins.
“This is barely enough for two—” Regulus starts again and James reaches across them, lifting the bottom of the thermos, pressing it to Reg’s lips with a shaky hand.
Regulus sips. James’ grin only gets bigger.
“Keep it, I made it just for you,” James whispers. The magic of the moment around them feels too fragile to break with anything more. The lights dance across the sky, in the reflections in Regulus’ eyes, on the ice of the lake. The colours tinge the world around them yet their eyes see only the other.
“Is there another one you’ve tucked away in your massive dad pack?” Reg asks.
James shakes his head no.
“You have to try some,” Reg mutters, trying to press the thermos back into James’ unwilling hands.
Regulus’ eyes plead, begging James to not offer too much kindness, too much like he always does. Always is. But Regulus deserves it, deserves every ounce of care that James can provide him and James is more determined than ever. Wants to show Regulus just how much he has to give.
He moves his ungloved hand tentatively towards Regulus as if trying not to spook him. Giving him time—time to back away, to say no. Hell, if Regulus so much as looks away, James will take the rejection for what it is.
Regulus doesn’t move.
Fingers graze lips, soft flesh meeting.
“I’d rather taste it like this,” James whispers. His fingers move towards the other boy’s cheek, lightly ghosting over the soft skin. Reg’s breath hitches and James worries he’s gone too far. He’s given himself away willingly, openly, and it’s up to Regulus to quash his last embers of hope.
The slightest of nods is all he needs as his fingers grip the side of Regulus' face. And then, all at once, as if he had yanked the reins, they’re moving. He’s not sure who travels more and it doesn’t matter, not even one bit at this moment, although they’ll bicker about it later.
Lips hover, hot breaths exchange, and then they’re crashing together, noses bumping and foreheads touching and it's awkward with the cocoa between them and the thickness of the suits and Regulus’ gloved hands and the sleigh. There’s a million and one reasons that this should be the least comfortable first kiss of his life and yet nothing has ever felt more right.
It tastes a little bit like lip balm, because the cold has made their skin chapped. It tastes a lot like winter, and magic, and miracles. James’ hand is aching from being exposed to the cold for so long, but he holds on to Regulus’ face like a lifeline. If he loses his fingers to frostbite, it’ll be worth it.
Fortunately for him, Regulus is much more reasonable.
“Let’s find shelter,” Regulus says, mouth still so close to James’ he feels the words rather than hears them.
“Shelter?”
A soft hum. Sparkles in Reg’s green eyes. “It’s too cold to be standing still out here.”
James grins, presses their foreheads together. “I’m kinda hot, actually. You could say my blood is… boiling .” He wiggles his eyebrows, which is seven different levels of awkward due to the beanie on his head and the band around his ears limiting his brow mobility.
Regulus giggles and his cheeks flush an even deeper red. He looks the most beautiful James has ever seen, and it’s a wonderful thing that he gets to see him up close. James’ ribcage might crack from how hard it’s working to contain all that he’s feeling.
“I walked right into that one, didn’t I?” Regulus grins. He exhales something like a resigned sigh, shakes his head once, and kisses James again.
It’s slower, exploratory. They’re pulling at the clothing around their chins and heads, trying to find a rhythm and position that allows them to discover each other. James learns that Regulus makes small, soft noises when he’s kissing. Learns that his bottom lip is plush, that it reddens if James bites it gently. Learns that if he tilts his head a certain way, Regulus fully melts into him and lets him take control of the kissing.
This time, they only stop kissing when they’re both actually shivering. Their winter gear is arctic level, but it’s too cold to be outside for extended periods of time no matter what. Reluctantly, they pull apart.
James’ hand is numb, so Regulus takes the reins and gets the reindeer moving. Overhead, the auroras come and go, illuminating their path as they cross the lake back towards where the bonfire is waiting for them.
When his hand warms up again inside the glove, James panics. It hurts. And why does it hurt? It was cold, and now it’s warm. Shouldn’t it be happy? Did he actually cause permanent damage to it? No. No, please no. Don’t let something this stupid be the thing that ruins the moment. They’re on their way to the bonfire. James is going to tell Regulus everything, and Regulus is going to… hopefully say he likes James, too.
He cannot jeopardise this moment with—
“Fuck,’” James whimpers. He can’t help it. It hurts too much.
“What’s wrong?” Regulus asks. The reindeer is trained enough that it stays on course when Regulus passes both reins to just one hand so he can turn to look at James. “James?”
“My hand.” It comes out like a pitiful, whiney noise. James can’t manage anything better. He honest to God feels like his about to watch his fingers fall off one by one.
Regulus’ eyes go wide, then he nods. “It’ll be okay in a moment. It hurts, but you just have to endure.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you let your hand get too cold, and the blood is pushing back in, and it hurts,” Regulus explains with a half shrug.
James groans. “I’m not losing my hand?”
“I don’t think so, but you should probably get it checked for frostbite, I reckon.”
Tentatively, James tries to move his fingers. It hurts like hell, but he finds that he can. They respond. Still attached, then. Regulus might be right.
“I had no idea this could happen,” James mutters with a frown.
“Same thing happened to my heel once,” Regulus confesses, voice wistful. “We played ice hockey with Sirius for too long, and one of my skates had a tear in it so my foot got too cold. I thought my heel was being eaten by fire ants.”
“Yes!” James exclaims. “That’s what it feels like, more or less.” He slumps back on the sleigh, comfy against the blankets and furrs. “Worth it, though.”
Regulus looks away, then back at him. “Was it?”
“Are—Regulus,” James says, pushing himself back up to sit right next to him. “Have you… do you really not know how long I’ve been wanting to kiss you?”
“Well, I—” Regulus hesitates.
He looks ahead, finds that they’re almost at the lake’s edge and takes the reins to guide the reindeer. When they’re safely on the path, they check the map and head towards the bonfire.
“Reg?”
“Right…” Regulus kisses his teeth, then says, “I thought you thought I was… y’know. Sirius’ little brother.”
Appalled, James replies a tad too loudly, “I tried to kiss you last year and you recoiled so fast I worried you’d snap your spine!”
“Because you—” Regulus’ eyes widen almost comically. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh.”
“No, I—I thought you just didn’t have anyone better. Drunk at a party and looking for a one night thing,” Regulus says. “And I—it would have… I just didn’t want that.”
James’ memories rearrange themselves in his head. The way Regulus’ cheeks flushed and his lips parted before he moved away. The way his hand lingered on his shoulder. The way his head fell when James made a hasty retreat.
“I’m an idiot.”
“Tell me something I don’t know,” Regulus mutters.
“First of all, I tried to kiss you because I’d been wanting to for ages but had no idea if you wanted it and I only found enough courage at the bottom of the whiskey bottle,” James informs him. He takes care to speak slowly, clearly. To enunciate every word so Regulus knows this is serious. This is real.
“Second of all, I thought you didn’t like me so I ran away to cry and lick my wounds in private.”
“You did not cry!” Regulus shouts, startling the reindeer. Their sleigh shakes dangerously with the motion, and Regulus puts his focus back on driving.
James, however, is on a roll. “I cried. I was drunk out of my mind and rejected by the guy I’ve been pining for for years. Of course I fucking cried, Reg. I was devastated! So devastated, in fact, that I engineered this entire trip as a last resort. If I couldn’t get you to fall in love with me under the freaking Northern Lights, then I was done for.”
When silence falls between them, it’s broken only by James’ agitated breathing and the soft crunch of the reindeer’s hooves hitting the snow. The sleigh slides quietly through the forest, rustling a few overgrown branches here and there.
Inside James’ chest, the flower of hope is bending towards Regulus like he’s the sun. Waiting for his answer. For him to say anything at all about the word vomit Regulus just poured on him. Every second that passes and Regulus doesn’t say anything, it wilts a little bit more.
Fire cracks loudly enough that they hear the bonfire before they see it. Their sleigh comes to a stop just as Sirius and Remus look up from where they’re sitting, cups of steaming hot cocoa in their hands. Their entire group is assembled around the bonfire, enjoying the warmth of the fire and with blankets over their backs.
James gets up on shaky feet, wondering how the hell he’s going to act normal around his friends, when Regulus tugs him back.
“Wait.”
“Yes?” James asks, his flower of hope doing a valiant attempt at rallying.
“You… well. I didn’t fall in love with you here, James.”
Oh. There it goes. A lump lodges itself in his throat, and James has to blink back tears. “That’s okay, Reg. I understand. I—”
“No,” Regulus says, pulling his scarf down so James can see his mouth. “No, you don’t. I didn’t fall in love with you here, because I’ve been in love with you since I was thirteen.”
The world tilts dangerously. James’ knees go weak. His breath stutters as he searches Regulus’ face for any sign that this isn’t what he thinks it is.
James finds nothing but earnest sincerity.
“I’m sorry it took me this long to figure out how to tell you,” James says, pressing their foreheads together.
Regulus closes his eyes and pushes himself up on his toes to kiss him briefly. “I won’t hold it against you if you don’t hold it against me.”
They share a smile. The first of many. Intimate and private. Something that’s just theirs. “Come on,” James says, wrapping his gloved hand around Reg’s. “Let’s get some hot cocoa and drive your brother insane.”
“How long till he figures it out?” Regulus asks cheekily.
“If Moony doesn’t tell him? He’ll find out on our wedding day.”
Regulus’ steps falter. Mentally, James curses himself. There he goes again. Too much too soon. Always too eager. Too invested. Too—
“He’ll find out when I ask him to be best man,” Regulus says smoothly. “So a little bit before the actual wedding day. But let’s hope Remus thinks of breaking the news for us, yes?”
One more look. One more secret smile.
And they step up to the bonfire to accept a cup of hot cocoa and celebrate their Christmas in Lapland under the northern lights.