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It was a fleeting thing he noticed. It happened every time they dived to the past, every time without fail. The way Lu Guang waited whenever he raised his palm for Cheng Xiaoshi to give him a high five, so patient and still, staring at him, unmoving.
Cheng Xiaoshi thought nothing of it at first. His friend was always a calm and composed person, giving Cheng Xiaoshi ample time to prepare himself before each dive fit with his personality.
Then it grew reassuring. Comforting, even. He noticed the quiet stare of Lu Guang’s eyes, the way his hand shifted under the weight of the light slap, grazing his fingers, almost like a careful send-off of sorts.
In some moments, he felt Lu Guang’s fingers curve around the edges of his palm, mere milliseconds before he vanished from sight, and wondered if Lu Guang wanted his hand to stay there.
“Here.”
On a sunny afternoon of a typical boring weekday, Cheng Xiaoshi held out a hand, hovering it in front of Lu Guang’s. The latter blinked at the action, mildly confused.
“What?”
“I’m testing something.”
“We don’t have a photo or a case we’re working with.”
“Yup.”
Lu Guang eyed him with uncertainty, lifting his hand to give Cheng Xiaoshi their usual high five.
The clap shifted downwards along with the weight of the contact, and Cheng Xiaoshi tightened his fingers around the hand on top of his.
Lu Guang waited. And waited.
The supposed high five remained there, suspended between their waists.
“What’s the purpose of this experiment?”
“Mm…” Cheng Xiaoshi hummed, fixing his gaze on their hands clasped loosely together. “I dunno.”
The palm above him gently slipped away – gently, not even snapping away or pulling back out of disgust or confusion – back to the side of Lu Guang’s hip.
He’s struck by how softly those fingertips grazed across his skin out of his grasp. His hand stayed hovering in the air, unsure of what to do.
“... Did something happen?”
Why did Lu Guang say those words with such concern? He scrambled to find his voice, awkwardly retracting his hand as well.
“No I… I was just. Trying something?”
He felt antsy for the rest of the day, paying close attention to the times his friend brushed an elbow against his, or made him another pack of instant noodles, overcooked by a few minutes, just how he always liked them.
Another night, they walked down the empty street together.
The glow of the windows from neighboring stalls lining the area cast a glaring light on their path. The only sounds that met his ears were the faint buzz of the store lights, and the rustling of Lu Guang’s legs kicking against a plastic bag full of snacks.
Cheng Xiaoshi watched the way Lu Guang’s shadow moved as it walked past those lights, his eyes tracing up the seam of his pants to the outlines of his free hand.
Things stayed like that for a good portion of the walk, until he lingered close, reaching out a finger, slowly, carefully, closing the distance.
“You’re up to something again,” Lu Guang muttered, turning back to meet his line of sight. The sudden words prompt a light eek out of Cheng Xiaoshi’s mouth, and his shoulders tense in the darkness of the sky.
“I’m. I. Guess?”
Embarrassment rushed to his face as he noticed Lu Guang lowering his head to spot his outstretched fingers, just a few inches away from his wrist.
Cheng Xiaoshi wanted to apologize, slink his arm back into his own space, pretend it never happened.
His attempt to retract his hand was immediately thwarted by Lu Guang taking it in his own after a momentary silence.
He felt his mind go blank at the motion, his brain failing to register his thoughts as smooth fingertips snake around the heart of his palm, wrapping around his knuckles firmly. A thumb rubbed up against his, and he found his words stuck in his throat.
“There. Now walk faster. Qiao Ling jie wants her snacks.”
“...”
And they continue to walk. It was difficult to catch a glimpse of Lu Guang’s expression from where he was. He stayed a safe distance away, tilting his head so the shadows could obscure any heat on his cheeks.
Lu Guang’s hand is warm, Cheng Xiaoshi thought for the first time.
“Hm.”
Cheng Xiaoshi held out his palm once more, this time facing his fingers upright. His legs are splayed onto the sides of the oval table, his back leaning comfortably into the cushions of the couch.
Lu Guang stood in front of him, half-lidded, tired eyes glancing at Cheng Xiaoshi’s determined face, then his hand. He sighed, putting down his bag to sit down across from him.
“How many times has it been?”
“Just one more, c’mon.”
“A high five?”
“Not…” Cheng Xiaoshi faltered. “Not a high five.”
He tried to ignore how Lu Guang’s gaze softened.
At a snail’s pace, Lu Guang lifted his hand once more, fitting their palms snugly together.
Their skin pressed against each other’s, then Lu Guang’s fingertips peeked through the gaps between Cheng Xiaoshi’s. Like complementary puzzle pieces, their fingers intertwined and curled around the backs of their knuckles.
Something seemed to get to Cheng Xiaoshi, because his eyes widened ever-so-slightly, and his thumb trembled over Lu Guang’s hand.
“I still don’t get what you’re trying to achieve,” came the curious remark from Lu Guang.
“Experiments need to be repeated at least three times for reliable results. Didn’t you learn that in school?”
“Experiments. Is that what you’ve been doing?”
There’s a curious rise in Lu Guang’s tone that makes Cheng Xiaoshi wonder if he’s amused by all of this. His eyes find solace in a nice looking spot on the wall beside Lu Guang’s face.
“So what are the results?” Lu Guang asked.
“Huh?”
“Your reliable results.”
He felt Cheng Xiaoshi’s grip tighten around his.
The latter took a moment to recompose himself, his words tumbling out of his lips clumsily, with fragile conviction.
“... You like holding my hand.”
And Lu Guang smiled. It was a pretty funny situation, so how couldn’t he? The edges of his lips curl up slightly, a quiet exhale puffing out of his nose.
“You’re so stupid.”
“I- What?” Cheng Xiaoshi stammered. “Wow. That’s so rude of you.”
A flush of red crept up to his cheeks. He pulled back his hand, but Lu Guang’s grip remained strong. Grunts of protest grumble past Cheng Xiaoshi’s lips.
“The experiment is over, so you don’t need to worry anymore,” he finally said.
“Worry about what?”
“About me being weird. And doing weird things.”
“Weird,” Lu Guang repeated, raising an eyebrow.
But that was what it was, wasn’t it? Asking your friend to hold your hand so gently, entering their personal space over and over. It felt just a bit odd, especially towards someone generally unlikely to initiate physical touch like Lu Guang, Cheng Xiaoshi thought.
“This isn’t weird,” Lu Guang continued, after noticing Cheng Xiaoshi’s extended silence.
“It is. I think,” Cheng Xiaoshi murmured.
He felt his hand – still intertwined with Lu Guang’s – pulled forward gently. His body followed suit, shifting close, and he felt a weight rest on his shoulder.
Lu Guang nestled his hair in the crook of Cheng Xiaoshi’s neck, nosing his face into the fabric of his varsity jacket.
“I-” Cheng Xiaoshi stiffened. “What are you-”
“I’m being weird. As you put it.”
“You…”
His free hand clutches at Lu Guang’s sleeve, digging into his arm.
“We’re. Both guys.”
“Cheng Xiaoshi,” Lu Guang sighed again, his breath rumbling against Cheng Xiaoshi’s shoulder. “You’re so stupid.”
“...”
The air grew still, the only sounds permeating the empty rooms being the soft ticks of the clock on the wall.
Cheng Xiaoshi hesitantly let go of Lu Guang’s sleeve, raising it higher, drifting from elbow, to shoulder, to neck. He found purchase on the shorter man’s hair. Shakily, quietly, his fingers card through white locks, tufts of hair tickling the side of his chin.
He felt a little insane as Lu Guang leaned into his touch, burying his face closer into his collar.
“Lu Guang,” he called softly.
“Mn,” came the content reply, barely above a whisper.
They stayed like that for the next few seconds. Minutes. Somewhere down the line, Cheng Xiaoshi thought that the man on his shoulder had fallen asleep. He’s too embarrassed to check, so he didn’t bother to.
This isn’t so bad, he concluded to himself.