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John and Rodney sat on the pier at the end of a long day, a six-pack of beer between them.
They sat in companionable silence for a while, just letting the mission wash off their shoulders, but then Rodney started filling the silence… and every second sentence was about Keller.
“Jennifer says I need to…”
“Jennifer says I should try…”
“Jennifer says I shouldn’t have…”
Suddenly, John’s hand shot out and grabbed Rodney’s arm, mid-flail. “Stop! Rodney, just… stop.”
“Stop what?” Rodney asked, bemused.
John released his grip. “Stop trying to change yourself for Keller. You don’t need to change who you are to be… loved, Rodney. Either she loves you or she doesn’t. And if she doesn’t, then she’s not the one.”
Rodney sighed. “That’s all very well for someone like you, Sheppard. You can be yourself and the women throw themselves at you constantly. You don’t even have to try. It’s… it’s not like that for me.” His voice dropped lower and he started to pick at the label on his beer bottle. “I’m nearly thirty-nine, I don’t have a lot of chances left. Jeannie says I’ll never find anyone better, so if I just have to fix up some stuff to keep Jennifer…”
John swore. “Rodney, listen to me. You. Do. Not. Have. To. Change. To. Be. Loved. You can be unashamedly yourself, in every situation, and still have someone love you.”
Rodney shook his head and took another sip from his bottle, his shoulders slumping. “No, I can’t. Guys like you, with the looks and the social graces, you guys can be unashamedly yourself and still get who you want. It doesn’t work like that for people like me.”
There was silence for a long moment, and then John shifted uncomfortably. “Actually, I… I can’t be myself, Rodney. I’m not allowed to… be myself, not if I want the other things in my life that matter to me. And it… it hurts me to watch you doing this to yourself. Please, Rodney… please just, stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself. You’ve got nothing that needs fixing.”
Rodney turned and looked at him, his mind mulling over his friend’s words. “Why can’t you be yourself?” he asked. “What would you want to change?”
John shook his head and looked away, and after several minutes of silence, Rodney sighed again. “Right. Well then, I should probably pack it in for the night. Jennifer says—”
He broke off as John twisted sharply to face him, his hand reaching out towards his face. Rodney shied back a little, wondering if Sheppard was actually going to punch him, but then the hand slid around the back of his head and John’s face was suddenly less than an inch from Rodney’s.
“Please, Rodney,” John rasped out, his voice anguished, “stop letting that woman change who you are.” And then John closed the last inch and Rodney faltered as he felt John’s lips pressing against his. He opened his mouth in shock and felt John’s tongue slide inside.
It was only for a few seconds, and then John pulled away, rising swiftly to his feet.
Rodney gaped up at him.
“Sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t mean to do that.” John shuffled his toe for a moment, but Rodney was still silently gaping at him.
John turned and walked away.
Rodney sat for another thirty seconds, trying to work out what had just happened. He ran the conversation back through his mind, and as the shock receded his natural brilliance reasserted itself and he pushed up to his feet.
“Sheppard!” he called out, but there was no change to the swift steps of the man escaping the situation.
Rodney started after him, jog-trotting to try and catch up. “Colonel!” he called, and when that had no effect either, he shouted, “John!”, pleased to see Sheppard falter and then come to a stop. He didn’t turn around, but he did wait.
When Rodney reached him, he slowed, panting. “You could’ve given me a few moments to assimilate the new data.”
John gave a shadowy smirk. “Didn’t think it’d take you that long, McKay,” he drawled in a close approximation of his usual tone. “You are meant to be a genius, after all.”
That dig had Rodney gearing up for a rant about his genius status but then he realised that behind John’s usual hail-fellow-well-met expression lurked a vulnerability that he’d never seen before. He paused. “When you said I didn’t need to change to be loved…” His voice petered out as Sheppard just kept staring at him, his expression locked down.
The silence lengthened uncomfortably and Rodney tried a different tack. “Did you… did you mean that you can’t be yourself, because you couldn’t fly planes and be gay? Is that what you meant?”
John’s jaw clenched, and his gaze flicked left and right before he nodded jerkily.
“Right,” Rodney said. “And so when you said that I could be myself and… and that I could… still be loved… you meant… um, did you mean that…?”
John snorted. “Not sure you’ve earned that Genius title, McKay. I just kissed you. That should’ve been a pretty huge clue.”
“Well, yes, of course it was,” Rodney huffed. “It’s just… it was so out of the blue, and I thought you were going to punch me, and then you didn’t and I wasn’t sure… I’ve never been kissed by someone before, not like that. It’s always me making the first move. No-one else has ever tried to kiss me.”
John shook his head, his eyes briefly closing as if he couldn’t bear to see the look of uncertainty on Rodney’s face. After a moment he brought his attention back. “You’ve never loved the right people, McKay. That’s why you’ve always had to go first. You chase women who want to change you into something they think they can love. Just… be yourself, buddy. The right woman will want you if you just be yourself.” And John turned and walked away, leaving Rodney staring after him, processing everything that had happened.
***** *****
It was 0300hrs when John’s door slid open and Rodney came barging in. John came alert in an instant, lurching up out of the bed, but then sank back down as he realised who it was. Rodney hadn’t waited anyway – hadn’t even bothered to say ‘hi’, he was already mid-rant.
“And another thing,” he said, as if he and John had been talking – or arguing – for a while, “why do you always have to walk away in the middle of the conversation? Is it too much to ask that you might give me a few moments to process what you’re saying? Firstly – you never talk about feelings so I’m a bit rusty at listening to emotional outpourings, and secondly – I may be a genius – well, of course I am – but just, maybe, my genius is evident in every area except for human relations. I admit that I might be a bit… lacking in emotional interpretation. Not that it’s usually a problem, I mean the soft sciences are—”
“McKay!” John cut him off. “It’s the middle of the night, I don’t need you ranting in my room about the soft sciences. I’ve got PT with the troops at 0500hrs. Get to the point.”
Rodney’s whole body deflated suddenly, and he stared at John. “If you’re gay, and you’re in love with me – which all the evidence suggests is the case – then why did you walk away and leave me there? Why did you tell me that the right woman would want me eventually? Why can’t I have you?”
John’s mouth fell open. “Um… well, um… because you’re straight? And because you go on all the time about hot blonde women, which I am not. And because you didn’t… uh, kiss me back. And because you like to crow to the rooftops when you’ve got a date and I’m in the military.” He shook his head. “I can’t believe you woke me up for this, McKay. I feel like I should go take one of your PhDs off your wall!”
“Hey!” Rodney huffed. “That was uncalled for. I told you feelings are stupid things that make no sense. And I… well, yes, evidence suggests that historically I may have been attracted solely to women, and that perhaps I do like to share quite volubly when I find someone actually willing to spend time with me socially—”
John winced and turned his head away.
“You like to spend time with me off the clock,” Rodney said softly. “And you seem to think I don’t need to change who I am. So… maybe I’ve been a little short-sighted in restricting myself to only the female half of the population. After all, I’ve never had much success there, and maybe that’s because I’m not actually straight.” There. He’d said it.
John lifted his head to look at him. “You didn’t kiss me back, McKay. I don’t think you’re into guys.”
Rodney threw his hands in the air. “You can’t blame me for that. You didn’t give me any warning, you just suddenly lurched at me, arm outstretched, and pushed your lips against mine! I decline absolutely to take responsibility for not kissing you back. If you’d given me any notice at all, I’m sure I would’ve been quite willing to give it a go.”
“Really?” John asked sardonically. “And I should be happy about being your experiment?”
“Seriously? You are impossible, Sheppard!” Rodney snarked. He stalked across the room towards the bed. “Just, shut up for a moment,” and ignoring John’s sarcastic eyebrow raise, Rodney placed his hand firmly on John’s shoulder and leaned down.
The kiss was short, just a brushing of lips before Rodney was pulling back. John was about to say Rodney had proved his point for him, when Rodney suddenly pushed him backwards onto the bed and straddled his hips, leaning forward and capturing his mouth.
“Umph!” John managed, but that just gave Rodney access to the inside of his mouth, and he used his advantage, exploring thoroughly. He could taste toothpaste and the slight lingering flavour of the chilli dish they’d served at dinner. And underneath it all was something that was pure John. Rodney got a little lost in the kiss, barely noticing when John’s hand came up to cradle his head. He did, however, notice when John’s other hand slid underneath the waistband of his trousers and cupped his hip, and Rodney pulled away from the kiss, sitting up.
“Well,” he panted, “well…”
“What are the results of the experiment?” John asked, his own breathing a little elevated.
“Good initial findings,” Rodney said, nodding vigorously. “I think some more experimenting might be in order, but certainly there’s proof of trigger reactions throughout the body.” He blushed and John smirked at him.
“Maybe you’re not as straight as I’ve always assumed.”
“Well,” Rodney said, wriggling off John and toeing off his sneakers. “It’s not like you’re Sam Carter, after all, but I truly think you’re going to prove to be a much better match for me than even she would’ve been.”
Rodney started to unbuckle his belt, and John hastily sat up. “Hey, hang on.”
Rodney’s hands stilled. “What?”
“Um, have you… have you broken up with Keller?”
“Oh,” Rodney said, suddenly realising he’d been cheating on his girlfriend—and that he'd been about to take things a whole lot further than just kissing. “I, um… I guess I need to go break up with her now, then?” He looked uncertainly at John, considering the situation. “I, uh… I don’t want to make an erroneous assumption here about… about this—” he waved his hand back and forth between them, “—about where this might be going, but I, uh, I also don’t want to end up… alone. At least Jennifer’s someone, you know? Someone to have dinner with, to talk to about my day… company when things have gone wrong.”
John stood up and slipped his hand around the back of Rodney’s neck, leaning his forehead down to touch Rodney’s. “Newsflash! I already do those things with you, Rodney. I’m with you all day long on missions, I hunt you down to have dinner, I bring you coffee and snacks, I spend all my spare time racing cars and drinking beer and playing chess with you. You… you don’t need… anyone else, Rodney. You…” His voice trailed away.
“Oh!” Rodney’s eyes widened. “I’ve… wow! I’ve basically been dating you for five years! And then going off to also date women – which means I’ve been cheating on you!” He stared at John, aghast at that realisation.
John laughed but it sounded a bit pained. “No, you haven’t been. But we’re not doing anything else until you’re a free man, McKay.”
“Right!” Rodney said, fired with enthusiasm to cut himself free of a relationship that he was now realising had been more of a millstone than a positive affirmation of life. “I’ll be back in ten minutes.”
“Oh, hey,” John said, catching his arm as he turned away. “How about catching Keller over breakfast rather than waking her up in the middle of the night just to dump her?”
Rodney thought for a moment and then nodded. “Yes, yes, that’s good.” He looked thoughtfully at John. “You know, you make these suggestions every so often, just to help me see something that’s obvious to everyone else. But I’ve never resented it. It never feels like you’re judging me, or trying to change me, it’s more like you’re just trying to smooth my path.”
John nodded silently, watching Rodney.
“You really don’t want me to change who I am, do you?” Rodney asked disbelievingly.
John smirked. “Well, a little less coconut scent in your sunscreen might be nice in the Jumper next time, given we’re sometimes locked in there with you for hours on end.”
Rodney huffed. “I’ll have you know…” he started, and then his voice trailed away. “I think I might be in love with you!” he suddenly said, gazing intently at John.
John swallowed. “Good,” he said softly. “That’d be good, Rodney. Then we’ll… we’ll be on the same page.”
They gazed at each other for a long moment, as if both wondering how they’d come to this place in their friendship without really meaning to.
“You should go now. I’ll see you for lunch, okay?”
Rodney nodded and backed towards the door. “I’ll be a free man by then, and ready for… whatever.”
“I’m particularly fond of ‘whatever,’” John said, smirking.
Rodney grinned at him, rocking slightly on his feet. “Me too.”
With a last, longing look, Rodney slipped out the door and hurried away down the corridor. He’d never had to plan a breakup before, but surely his genius would help him work out how to do it without hurting Jennifer too much. He had three hours, after all. Three hours before breakfast time to work out the details.
His mind skipped ahead though, jumping past the uncomfortable conversation he needed to have to the part where he was a free man again… because once he was single, he could turn his considerable brain power to making sure this newly discovered possibility with John lasted… forever. 💕
***** THE END *****