Chapter Text
From what I can tell from my semi-conscious state, we stick to the outskirts of the rooms. Any alcove is vetted for threats before Bodhi and I pass by. As Rhiannon had stated, the hallways are nearly empty, apart from a few kitchen staff members that hardly pay us any attention. It’s not wildly uncommon to see a cadet being carried back from the healers quadrant.
“Hanging in there?” Bodhi questions me quietly as we work our way up the spiral staircase.
I offer a tired smile in return, hoping it conveys what I’m unable to speak right now.
“Clear.” Rhiannon states from above us.
I sigh when I feel the pull of Bodhi’s wards as we cross into his room. He gently sets me down on his bed, draping a blanket over me, before letting everyone else inside. I feel the dip of the bed as he returns to my side.
“She looks so sick.” Rhiannon comments sadly and I flutter open my eyes to see her hovering next to me. “How are you feeling, Vi? You’re safe now.” She runs her hand down my hair soothingly.
My body feels like it’s floating. “Tired.” I respond, my eyes closing against my will.
Bodhi rubs my arm. “Stay awake for just a little longer. Let's get that tincture in you.”
Nausea rises at the idea of putting anything into my stomach, but I open my eyes when I feel the glass of the vial pressed to my lips. I lift a shaky hand to grasp the vial and swallow the sweet liquid, gagging slightly at the potent taste.
“Breath, Vi. Try to keep it down.” Dain encourages, but I see him grab the trash can and hand it to Bodhi regardless.
Rhiannon continues to offer comfort with her hand running down my frayed braid but I can feel the palpable tension in the room. When I focus, I feel it coming from Tairn too. I swallow hard against the nausea and breath in through my nose and out through my mouth, willing my stomach to accept the tincture.
Minutes pass and I think I’m in the clear, when I taste the sweet liquid in the back of my throat. I swallow convulsively, trying to force it back down, but my stomach doesn’t comply. I gag and Bodhi gets the trash can under my chin just in time as the tincture makes a reappearance, alongside harsh stomach acid that burns my throat.
“It’s all right, Vi. We’ll get you help.” Rhiannon soothes, pushing my braid behind my shoulder and rubbing my back.
Gods, no. I beg as my stomach contracts again, forcing more of the tincture up my throat. I cough harshly, whimpering against the pain of my still-subluxated rib. My eyes water and I squeeze them shut, before throwing up the last of the tincture. I gag weakly a few more times, before a dizzy spell almost takes me down sideways. Bodhi grabs my shoulders, holding me steady, before lowering me to the pillows when he’s sure I’m done for now.
“Vi?” I hear Dain’s voice in front of me and blink open my eyes, taking a moment to focus on his worried face. “I’m going to get Winifred, all right?”
I scrunch my eyebrows together in consideration, before shocking everyone to their core by nodding and bringing a shaky fist to my mouth to breathe through another wave of nausea.
“You’ll be okay, Vi. I promise.” Dain’s eyes are reassuring as they look at me, before he stands and rushes out the door.
When Dain returns with Winifred, I’m over the trash can again, Bodhi holding me steady as my body trembles furiously from the exertion.
“I’ve got her, go let Winifred in.” I feel Sawyer’s hands replacing Bodhi’s and Rhiannon continues her gentle circles on my lower back.
I hear Bodhi and Dain talking with Winifred, filling her in on everything that’s happened. She’s clearly not pleased that we waited this long to find her, but her concern for me seems to outweigh her anger. She’s used to my stubbornness at this point, having dealt with me countless times since coming to Basgiath.
When the dry heaves finally stop, Sawyer lowers me back to the pillows while I desperately try to catch my breath before I pass out. Rhiannon pushes the stray strands of hair out of my face, while Sawyer pulls the blanket up over my body as I shake. I curl my knees in towards my chest, protecting my aching middle.
I suddenly feel Winifred’s weathered hand on my forehead. I slowly open my eyes to her familiar face.
“Hi, Winifred.” I croak, before swallowing hard against the waves of nausea that won’t seem to cease.
“Hush. You sure do know how to run yourself into the ground, Violet. How you’re still conscious is beyond me.” Winifred moves her hand from my forehead and lifts the blankets, finding my wrist that’s wrapped around my stomach. She doesn’t try to move my arms from where they protect my middle, which I’m grateful for, as she feels my pulse. Her face falls into concentration before she frowns.
“How long did you say she’s been ill?” Winifred asks, turning to Bodhi and Dain for clarification.
“She threw up for the first time Saturday morning.” Bodhi confirms.
“And when was the last time she could keep down fluids?” Winifred continues, returning her hand to stroking my forehead. I close my eyes.
“Early this morning.” Sawyer replies.
“Any luck with food since this first started?” Winifred gently soothes me when I groan against a cramp that rips through my middle, making me breath heavily against the nausea that follows.
“She was able to eat some porridge, but not much.” Bodhi sighs.
“What’s your relation to Riorson?” Winifred inquires curiously. Bodhi doesn’t immediately respond and I hear Winifred let out a breath of laughter. “You share many of the same features. I used to be hesitant with that boy, but he won me over last year with his concern for Violet.” She rubs my arm affectionately.
“I’m his cousin.” Bodhi finally replies.
“Ah, yes. That makes sense.” Winifred taps her hands on the bed. “He sure is a protective one, isn’t he?” Nobody answers, but nobody needs to. Xaden’s protectiveness is well known, especially when it comes to me. Tears threaten my eyes as I desperately long for him.
“Now dear, let’s get you feeling better.” I crack open an eye and watch as Winifred reaches into her bag.
Even with Winifred’s extensive healing knowledge, it takes several hours to get my vomiting under control and even longer for my stomach to allow anything other than tinctures inside of it. My friends comfort me through it all, a constant comfort in an otherwise torturous situation.
When it’s well into the evening, Winifred feels satisfied enough with my ability to tolerate fluids to allow me to sleep, promising that she will return first thing in the morning and threatening to send Dain to Malek if he doesn’t give me my line up of tinctures at the exact times she writes down on a piece of paper.
My squad sleeps on the floor of Bodhi’s room, while Dain and Bodhi stay awake, ensuring I’m drinking fluids each time I so much as stir and giving me my tinctures like clockwork. I’m still too out of it to recognize the timing or what I’m even taking but know I’ll need to learn eventually. That’s a problem for future Violet though.
Winifred returns in the early morning with confirmation that I have been excused from classes for the rest of the week under strict orders to rest. When Dain and Bodhi need to leave for a brief leadership meeting before formation, Winifred lets me know that she tried to have Xaden sent back here early on leave, but that her request was denied. Her thoughtfulness almost makes me cry, but I’m still too tired, and fall back asleep instead.
Winifred and a rotation of my friends watch over me for the day, someone always hovering nearby when I open my eyes. By dinnertime, Winifred has me trying some watered down porridge. I end up throwing it up, but when we try again a few hours later, I manage a few bites.
It’s dark out when I next open my eyes. Bodhi is sitting at his desk reading, but turns when I shift in the bed.
“Apple juice or tea?” Bodhi offers, looking at me intently, wanting me to choose.
I clear my throat, wincing at the lingering soreness. “Tea, please.”
He smiles and sits next to me on the bed, helping me sit up, before handing me the mug. “How are you feeling?” I take a sip of the tea.
“My throat hurts.” I let out a breath of a laugh, forcing more tea down my abused throat.
Bodhi laughs lightly in return. “I can imagine.” He looks at me more seriously. “What else?”
I take a moment to assess my body for the first time since Winifred first arrived. “Mostly tired and sore. Still a little shaky.” I shrug.
“Nauseous at all?” He pushes.
I smile. “No, thankfully.”
“Dizzy?”
I consider it as I take another drink of tea. “A bit.”
“Sounds like you’re slowly getting better.” He smirks. “Good thing too. I was starting to worry that Xaden was going to have my head.”
I smile over my mug. “I’m excited to see him.”
“I’m sure you are, it’s not your head he would be taking.” Bodhi rolls his eyes humorously.
“Oh, I have no doubt I’m going to be getting an earful from him.” Oddly though, I don’t really care. I just want to hear his voice… even if he’s angry. I just want him. “Guess we should both still be worried.”
Bodhi sighs. “Great.” He comments dryly.
“You did good, Bodhi. Thanks for taking care of me when Xaden couldn’t.” I say sincerely, meeting his eyes and smiling.
“Don’t thank me yet. Let’s get you back to your usual brilliant, lightning wielding self, then you can thank me.” He replies, before standing and checking the sheet of paper that Winifred left with the instructions for my tinctures. “Think you can stay awake for another fifteen minutes for your next round of tinctures?”
“I’ll try.” I comment, already feeling the pull of sleep. “Gods, why am I still so tired? I’ve slept for nearly an entire day.” I shake my head.
“Well, for one, your body has been through a lot and you still aren’t really eating.” He turns back towards me, holding a vial. “And this is a pain serum. While Winifred said it wasn’t a strong one, I’m sure it’s also not helping with the drowsiness.” He puts the vial back down. “Which, I don’t think is a bad thing. You really do need the rest.”
I take another drink of tea from the mug and frown. “What am I even taking right now? I’ve been so out of it.”
Bodhi smiles lightly at me. “You don’t like not being in control, do you?” I frown and shake my head. “Sounds like someone else I know.” He smirks, before holding up each vial and explaining what they do. I’m impressed. Winifred really outdid herself and I take a mental note for the future.
By the time Bodhi is done explaining everything, it’s time for my next dose. He brings over a vial that reduces the acid in my stomach and one that is supposed to help numb some of the pain in my throat and stomach, but not the same as the pain serum that’s supposed to help with the abdominal cramping and lingering pain from my subluxated joints.
The first vial tastes chalky and leaves a weird coating in my mouth and the second one makes my throat feel numb… which is oddly nice. I chase them both down with some tea, before Bodhi takes the mug and eases me back down to the pillows.
The following day I’m able to keep down two bowls of porridge, before my stomach rebels in the late afternoon. Winifred makes an adjustment to the tinctures, so I’m alternating between two vomiting tinctures that overlap their timing. After resting for a while, we try soup and I’m able to get through half the bowl.
“Vi?” Dain’s voice questions, rousing me, and I open my eyes to see him crouched next to Bodhi’s bed, so I’m eye level with him. Ridoc is behind him, leaning against the wall as he taps his foot, watching Dain and I, clearly ready to step in if Dain so much as lifts a hand towards my face.
“Hey.” I whisper, my voice still pretty rough, but getting better.
“Hey. Doing all right?” He questions and I see his hand twitch as if it wants to reach out. I also see Ridoc stiffen behind him at the same moment and suppress a smile.
I reach out a hand instead, grabbing Dain’s and giving it a light squeeze. “Yeah. I’m all right.” I offer a smile, before dropping his hand and slowly pushing myself up against the pillows. My arms shake slightly, but at least I’m feeling less dizzy. “I’m guessing it’s time for one of the tinctures?”
Dain nods, handing me one of the vomiting tinctures that tastes earthy and the pain serum that puts me to sleep, being careful not to touch me. I appreciate his commitment to only touching me when I give him permission.
“Thanks, Dain.” I say, hoping he knows that I’m thanking him for more than just the vials.
“Let's not make a habit out of these flares, okay?” Dain says lightly, smiling wryly.
“Sounds good to me.” I sigh, wishing it was that simple. I down the two vials and Dain hands me a mug of apple juice to wash it down.
Dain scrunches his eyebrows together. “Athebyne. That’s what triggered this, didn’t it?” He looks at me and I know he sees that it’s true, because he nods. “You blame me for it, don’t you?”
I don’t say anything, looking down at my apple juice and working to control the growing pounding in my heart. I know Dain stole my memories. I know he told his dad. But do I really blame Dain for his father’s actions? And if I do, how does that make me any better than people who judge me for my mother’s actions.
Dain takes my hesitation as affirmation and clenches his jaw, averting his eyes. “Why? What did I do, Vi?” His genuine confusion almost has me spilling everything, but I can’t. I know I can’t.
I sigh, closing my eyes briefly, feeling the weight of the secrets I now keep. “I hope that someday I can tell you, but I’m asking you to respect the fact that I can’t right now. Can you do that?” I harden my gaze on him.
Dain rolls his eyes. “He has such a hold on you, doesn’t he? I’ve known you for most of your life, Violet. Don’t you think you can trust me?” Trust me, please. His eyes beg behind the hurt in them.
I look away, not able to stand the hurt that I know I’m causing. “Dain, if you want to regain my trust, I’m asking you to back off right now. Please.” The last word comes out as a whisper.
Dain shakes his head, scoffing in annoyance. “You know where to find me if you need me. I’m glad you’re feeling better, Vi.” Dain pushes up from his crouch and walks out the door, slamming it as he leaves.
“Well, that was entertaining.” Ridoc quips, pushing off the wall and walking over to me. “You okay?”
I shake my head no and feel tears drip down my face. I don’t want to hurt my friends. I don’t want to hold these secrets. Ridoc sits on the bed beside me, pulling my head down to his shoulder and rubs my back as I cry myself to sleep.
The following day, Winifred is satisfied with my improvements enough to allow me a quick trip to the Archives. Sawyer volunteers for obvious reasons, and doesn’t hesitate to agree to not asking any questions about the exchange that’s about to happen. He steadies me any time I wobble while on our route and tolerates my slow pace, compounded by the aching in my hip.
Jesinia is concerned when she sees me, even more so when I tell her about what happened. She leads me to a chair to sit in while she retrieves the next tome for me to read, turning her hands away from Sawyer when she explains what she found.
I help Sawyer with some basic signs until Jesinia returns. Sawyer successfully executes a few back and forth sentences with Jesinia, and I smile at the exchange, turning my head so they don’t see. I don’t miss the blush on Jesinia’s cheeks when Sawyer wishes her a good day as we leave either.
By the time we make it back to the third year hallways and Bodhi pulls us through the wards, I’m practically dead on my feet. Bodhi makes sure I eat a few bites of porridge and drink some apple juice before letting me fall asleep.
When Winifred returns that night, she gives me firm instructions to keep up my fluid and food intake, but feels that it’s safe enough for me to return to my own room. She ensures I understand the tincture instructions and tells me that we will start reducing the doses next week, if I’m still doing all right. I thank her for her help and she makes me promise that I’ll rest for the weekend… very Winifred of her.
Rhiannon stays with me in my room for the night, despite Winifred's confidence in my well-being, but leaves in the morning once she’s satisfied that the porridge I consumed will stay down.
“If he isn’t here by noon, come get me and I’ll bring you some food.” She insists. I nod in understanding. “You’re sure you’re all right?” Her voice is concerned.
I smile reassuringly. “I’m all right, Rhi. I promise.”
“Stay that way, please.” She says sincerely before turning and walking to her door. I softly close my own, smiling in gratitude for my squad.
I’m reading through the latest tome from Jesinia, while slowly sipping from a mug of apple juice when I feel it… feel him. The familiar onyx bond swirls in the corner of the Archives in my mind.
“Violence?” I can tell Xaden is still far away by how muted his voice is in my mind, but I smile nonetheless. He’s still closer than he’s been since we left that plateau last week. It feels like such a long time ago now.
“Xaden.” I sigh in relief, practically melting into my desk chair as stress that I didn’t even know I was carrying melts away.
“I’ll be there soon.” Xaden assures, and suddenly everything feels right in the world.
I walk to my window and gaze out at the sun, feeling the pull of the bond intensify the closer Xaden gets. I send a prayer to Amari that Xaden and I won’t need to be apart any longer, the thought of constant goodbyes almost overwhelming me. Godsdammit, I love this man, despite my better judgment. Please, find a way for us to be together again. I beg.
When Xaden arrives, he takes one look at me before insisting that I rest. We spend the rest of the day wrapped in each other's arms, as he keeps a near constant supply of porridge, apple juice, and tea flowing into my room, the deliveries courtesy of the rest of my squad. Come nightfall, I fall asleep snuggled on Xaden’s chest, his heartbeat lulling me to sleep.
By morning, I’m feeling more rested than I have in weeks. Xaden stands guard while I bathe, his shadows surrounding me protectively from others and my own body’s mayhem. Then, with my permission, he kisses me gently as he dries every inch of my body, worshiping me carefully but in a way that promises more in the future. Before he leaves, he studies the list of tinctures I’m currently taking, ensuring he understands the purpose of each and every one.
When it’s time for him to leave, he enlists Bodhi for my protection, who keeps his distance from us as we walk to the flight field. My heart breaks as I say goodbye to Xaden, longing for him even as he mounts Sgaeyl. I don’t want to keep doing this, I can’t keep doing this. I send another prayer to Amari as Xaden flies away towards Samara and away from me.
A few weeks later, I suppose Amari answers my prayer when Xaden rescues me from Varrish. It’s not exactly what I had in mind, but at least we’re together… and he finally admitted that he loves me. As broken as I may feel physically, my heart is as whole as it’s been in a long time.