Chapter Text
She burrowed her face
into the wool of me,
‘I missed you’, she said
‘long before I ever knew you’.
-atticus
The thing about not knowing when things got so complicated is that Ava also doesn’t know how to uncomplicate things. Honestly speaking, she’s not supposed to feel anything about all of these but on the contrary, Ava feels everything.
To say that she’s been a mess is an understatement to what she has been over the past days, weeks even. Her days are back to the normal boring ones. Beatrice doesn’t visit anymore. Their texts are to mostly remind each other about posting something on their social media. It’s drier than the Sahara desert at this point. It’s not even a conversation, it’s merely an exchange of short sentences. The teasing Ava got used to before completely vanished as if it never existed in the first place.
No emoji, no smiley, no anything. That’s how they talk now. Ever since Beatrice walked out that night, it’s like she also closed herself off and became more of a business partner rather than a girlfriend. The perfect example is now. Ava is texting Beatrice to remind her that it’s their tenth month of pretending and it’s like talking to a robot.
Ava:
It’s supposed to be our tenth month together.
Beatrice:
Okay. Send me a photo to
post and the caption you want.
Ava:
Can’t you think about your own
caption for this?
Beatrice:
Send a picture.
Ava:
[attachment sent]
There’s nothing more after that. Beatrice had left her on read. It’s like that. Some days, Ava will try to initiate a conversation and Beatrice will give her an abrupt and straight to the point answer then the conversation ends.
Ava will not lie. She misses how Beatrice will randomly drop by her place with takeout in her hands. Her unit never looked so empty before. Now, whenever she sits in her dining area, she imagines Beatrice sitting beside her, typing something on her laptop or talking to someone on the phone.
Truth be told, Ava doesn’t know what else to do to get them back to how they used to be. At the back of her mind, maybe this is how they’re supposed to be? After all, Ava hates to admit it, but she got carried away with pretending with Beatrice. She could have prevented all of this from happening if she didn’t get ahead of herself. But honestly, she doesn’t regret it. The only regret she has so far is when she told Beatrice that it’s a pretend relationship. All the smiles, the playful banter, even the kisses? Ava didn’t pretend to like any of those. She genuinely did. She still likes it, in fact.
The ringtone specially assigned for her dad brings her out of her thought dump. Ava flips herself over the bed, reaches for her phone just to read the message her dad had sent her.
Daddy D:
I saw that it’s your 10th month
with Beatrice today? Any big plans?
Or can you both spare me some
time so we can all have dinner?
Ava:
I think Bea’s busy today but
I will ask her! Miss you, dad!
Daddy D:
I miss you too
Texting Beatrice again gives her excitement. After weeks of not seeing each other, tonight might be the night she gets to see Beatrice again. She can’t help but smile at that thought. Seeing Beatrice again means Ava will get the chance to talk to the older girl. She ignores the notification of people liking her post on social media. It’s probably her post about their tenth month but since they’re not really ‘together’ to celebrate it, Ava just ignores it.
She doesn’t waste time. Ava proceeds to message Beatrice, asking her if she has any plans for dinner.
Ava:
Dad’s asking if you’re free tonight?
Beatrice:
Why?
Ava:
He wants to have dinner. Are you free?
Beatrice:
Just send me where.
Ava:
Why don’t you just come drop
by my place and we can go together?
Beatrice:
I’m rather busy.
Ava:
Oh. Okay. :) See you later then.
Disappointed doesn’t even come close to what Ava is feeling. The gap between her and Beatrice is wider than ever. She definitely knows that if before, the gap was as thin as a hair, now it’s bigger than the grand canyon. Ava doesn’t know where to begin in order to bridge that gap. Is there even a way to rectify it?
Tired from all the thinking she’s been doing, Ava decides to look through her closet to find something to wear later. It’s a dinner with her dad so it’ll probably be in a formal attire type of restaurant. Her dresses look dull. She’s not even sure if she wants to go out of her room. Lately, all she does is lay in bed all day, watch some sappy movie, cry about animals, and take a bath. Then she’s off to sleep again. Camila had tried to invite her for parties but Ava refused every single one. She used to live for parties. Now, the idea of being in a party wears her out.
She honestly just wants to be on the couch with Beatrice and watch some action movies together.
Around three in the afternoon, her doorbell rings. Ava isn’t expecting anyone so she lazily walks towards the door to check who it is. Upon seeing Camila, she opens the door and lets her best friend in.
“Wow, you haven’t cleaned your unit in what? A week?” Camila asks, putting her bag on the table and looking around. “You look like shit too, Ava. What the hell?”
“I feel like shit,” Ava shrugs, walking back to her room and plumping herself on her bed. She makes a grunt of discomfort which Camila catches.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Ava doesn’t even know how to answer that question. What the hell is wrong with her anyway? It’s not like she’s not feeling well. She knows for a fact that she’s healthy. Sure, sleep has been a struggle these days but she’s used to not sleeping much.
Camila sits beside her, looking at Ava with a concerned expression, “Is your dad not convinced that you and Beatrice are together?”
“Oh, he’s convinced alright,” Ava answers. She puts an arm over her eyes.
“Then what’s bothering you?” Camila asks. She feels her best friend beside her, also facing the ceiling. Normally it’s ‘floor time’ but since they’re on the bed, maybe it can be counted as one too. They do this when things get too overwhelming.
“It’s our tenth month today,” she says. In her mind, there are different scenarios playing. She wonders if she should tell Camila about her predicament. After all, Camila is her best friend so there’s really no reason to doubt. Then again, in the very first place, Camila had told her that most setups like the one she’s currently in ends up in a mess. Ava doesn’t really want to hear another ‘I told you so’.
Decisions, decisions.
Camila gives her a glance, “Is it me or you’re somewhat in a pinch here?”
“What if I start believing it too, Camila?” her question leads to a few minutes of silence. It’s not awkward or uncomfortable. Ava knows that her best friend is trying to process what she just said. Ava, since she’s not yet done with thinking of what to wear, stands up to try on clothes for tonight’s dinner with her dad. Don’t get her wrong. She’s totally not dressing up for Beatrice. She’s totally not half excited and half scared about seeing her ‘girlfriend’ again after a few weeks of nothing but coldness between them.
She finds the blazer Beatrice had left before. It’s black. Maybe she can use that? Ava decides that she will use it. She finds a simple little black dress. But since it’s not ‘Ava’ enough, she takes her stockings. She’ll look demure but still sexy. She likes that.
“So, you want to be with Beatrice?” Camila says after a few minutes of nothing but radio silence. Ava turns her head to her best friend, “As in, for real?”
A shrug is all she can give. Regardless if she wants it or not, the thing is: Beatrice is giving her the cold shoulder. The older girl doesn’t even acknowledge Ava’s existence unless it’s regarding their ‘act’. Ava knows she really fucked up when she let her mouth run before she can think of her words. She has no excuse. Not even the alcohol.
“You can say it, you know,” Ava hangs the clothes she chose. When Camila doesn’t answer, she turns around, “Say it, Camila.”
“Say what, exactly?”
“That you told me so. That I should have known better.”
Camila shakes her head, “Why would I say that?”
“Because you’re right. Fake relationships always end up being complicated, right? I said I wouldn’t get caught up with this, that I wouldn’t get too invested and yet here I am,” Ava walks around her room, the single seater couch looking so comfortable that she decides to drop herself there. “I didn’t mean for it to be this complicated, Camila.”
“I know you didn’t,” Camila stands, walking towards her and patting her shoulder. “I won’t say I told you so but I do hope that things work out well for the both of you. I haven’t talked to Lilith about Beatrice and she doesn’t share much about Beatrice too but whenever we’d hangout, I do like how carefree you are around her.”
“That’s the thing though,” Ava trails off. She’s been so carefree around Beatrice that she didn’t notice when she slipped and fell. “Two more months,” she whispers.
~
Ava arrives first at the restaurant. Her dad messaged her earlier that he’d be late. Their reserved table is at the corner of the restaurant, the most private area they can provide. She fidgets on her seat, obviously nervous. Ava hopes her dad arrives first than Beatrice. She can’t possibly imagine being alone with Beatrice with nothing but awkwardness.
Her wish comes semi-true when her dad arrives with Beatrice. They’re both smiling as if there’s an inside joke between them. Dante looks at Ava and smiles, nearly brisk walking to hug his daughter.
“Ava,” Dante says after releasing her from the hug. “I ran into Beatrice outside and we just talked on the way here.”
The sound of Beatrice’s name on someone else’s lips makes her almost shiver. Ava musters up every courage she can to look up, to look at Beatrice. The white button down and black slacks never fails to make her feel a certain kind of way. Beatrice’s face, Ava missed it so much.
“Beatrice,” she greets in a breathless voice. Ava doesn’t realize how much effect Beatrice has on her until now.
Ava nearly passes out when Beatrice smiles and leans down to kiss her cheek, “Hello, darling.” When Beatrice takes the space beside her, Ava starts feeling conscious. Did she put on enough perfume? Is her makeup on point? Does she look good? Everything she’s not usually bothered, she thinks about.
It’s as if nothing happened. The way Beatrice still casually touches her, puts a hand on Ava’s leg, runs her fingers up her arm, it’s all familiar and Ava craves for more.
It’s mostly Beatrice and Dante who are talking over dinner. Ava’s full attention is on Beatrice. On how the older girl’s lips would curve every time Dante will hint that he wants Beatrice to work with them. Or how Beatrice would tilt her head to the side just before shaking it when she finds something amusing.
“Excuse me for a while,” Dante wipes his mouth and stands. “I need to go to the washroom.”
While Dante’s figure slowly shrinks from their sight, Ava slowly turns her head towards Beatrice. The girl is calmly leaning back with a phone in her hand. Gone is the hand on Ava’s leg (which Ava is not so happy about).
“Hey,” Ava breaks the silence. Once more, the gap between them is now more evident than ever. The moment Beatrice looks at her, Ava feels a slight pang on her chest. The brown orbs that were used to be filled with excitement and playfulness are now replaced by indifference. It’s almost as if it’s a completely different person. “Bea, I–”
“Your dad invited me for next week. He says it’s your mother’s birthday,” by far, it’s the longest sentence Beatrice had told her.
It’s saddening to think that from being close to each other, they’re now strangers. To think her dad invited Beatrice for something so personal, too. Maybe it’s time? Maybe she can allow someone else to know the burden she had been carrying for far too long? Maybe for others, it might seem shallow and totally not an excuse on how she had been using it as an excuse to get out of tricky situations. But really, Ava just knows that deep down, she’s more affected than she gives herself credit for.
When Dante returns, it’s already time for them to leave and go home. Ava excuses herself for a minute to compose herself. To breathe and calm herself down because thinking about anything relating to ‘that’ makes her choke on air as if she’s drowning in an invisible ocean where no one could save her.
She returns to Dante and Beatrice waiting for her by the door. As they exit the restaurant, she hears her father tell Beatrice, “I’ll see you next week, Beatrice. I look forward to hearing more of how you run your business.”
“Likewise, Dante. I’ll be sure to implement some of the tips you told me so I can increase the percentage rate of my possible clients,” Beatrice shakes Dante’s hand before turning to Ava. “Darling, shall we go?”
Like Beatrice, Dante is looking at Ava with a soft smile on his face. Ava is so used to seeing that smile since it’s how her father smiles at her mother. It’s bittersweet– seeing that smile now directed at her.
“You came here by cab, did you not, Ava?”
She nods, “Yeah. I’ll also call a cab in a while. These heels are killing me.” Ava tops it off with a smile.
“Who says you’re riding a cab?” Beatrice’s voice sounds so offended. Ava looks at the taller girl and sees that Beatrice is looking at her with a frown on her face. As if reading her mind, Beatrice clarifies, “I’m driving you home.”
“No need,” she fakes a chuckle and shakes her head.
“Ava, it’s not a request. I am driving you home. I will not let you go home all by yourself.”
“Beatrice, I’m old enough to take care of myself. Surely, going home is something I have done countless times before.”
“That is not up for debate.”
Ava feels a hand on her shoulder, just as she sees a hand on Beatrice’s. Dante’s calm voice stops their argument from getting big, “Ava, I think Beatrice just wants to help. I know relationships aren’t always rainbows and sunshines but please, do not be stubborn.”
It’s unfair how her dad knows how to calm her down. She lets out a deep breath and nods, “Fine.”
“Thank you,” she hears Beatrice.
“I’ll go ahead,” Ava feels her dad’s arms around her, pulling her into a hug. “Feelings can be confusing, baby. But you’re my only daughter and whatever decision you make, I will never love you less,” Dante whispers. It takes everything in Ava to not tear up right then and there.
When Dante drives away, Beatrice’s car is pulled up by the valet. They stand in silence, waiting for the driver to get out of the car. The distance between them is merely two feet but it feels like thousands and thousands of miles.
To Ava’s surprise, Beatrice still walks around the car to open the passenger door for her. Though her heart might have skipped a beat, Ava ignores it and just gets inside.
The drive, as expected, is excruciatingly quiet with nothing but the low buzz from the radio in the background. Beatrice’s hand is on the steering wheel while the other one is holding her head against the window. With every street light coming in and fading out, Ava musters enough courage to open up about something she never really wanted to talk about.
That is, until now.
“I’m an only daughter,” she breaks the silence with a soft voice. Soft and vulnerable voice as if she’s turned into the child she kept locked deep down in her heart for so long.
Beatrice glances at her before turning her haze back to the road, making sure they’re both safe. The hum the older girl gives is enough confirmation that Ava has her whole attention and that she won’t say anything unless Ava tells her that it’s okay.
“I grew up seeing my mom and dad in love with each other,” Ava continues. As if on queue, raindrops start falling. One after the other until it becomes a full blown rain pouring down, fogging up the road.
Beatrice turns the signal light to the left and stops the car. Pressing the hazard button, she waits for Ava to continue some more. The visibility is suddenly at zero. Ava thinks that this is the world’s way of making up to her. At some point, that is.
She feels her heart start to tremble when Beatrice turns her head, her brown orbs boring holes into Ava’s very eyes. As if she can see through Ava’s soul. Broken, weak, yet thriving. That’s what Ava wants Beatrice to think.
There’s not a single word out of Beatrice’s mouth. Her eyes merely urged Ava to continue– filled with understanding and compassion, pretty much like the Beatrice Ava came to know before she messed up everything.
“I know how heartbreak looks like,” her voice weakens as she admits something she has never said out loud before. “I saw it with my dad.”
Ava half expects Beatrice to ask. Did her mom cheat? Did her mom leave them? Did her mom suddenly disappear, leaving them behind? What she didn’t expect is for Beatrice to just nod, as if accepting and understanding everything with merely three sentences out of Ava’s mouth.
“Mom…” she doesn’t want to say the exact word. Ava struggles to word it out. With that, she settles with, “It’s her fourteenth birthday in heaven next week.”
Saying it out loud makes it true. Ava’s tears start to fall. One would think that after years and years of being just her and her dad, she’d be used to it. But no, the wound is still as fresh as if she just got it a few minutes ago. Ava never got a lesson on how to work around grief. Honestly, who in the world would prepare for the death of someone who has been there all her life?
“She was my world,” Ava’s voice breaks but she refuses to stop. She wants Beatrice to know. It’s heavy, like an anvil dangling in her chest, ready to bring her down anytime she breaks. “She was dad’s world.”
It’s like being stuck in a constant nightmare without the option of waking up. One moment Ava’s enjoying her life, going home and seeing her mom cooking for them. The next day she’s wearing black with an open casket in a funeral home. Inside the casket, a person who looks exactly like her mom lies sleeping. It’s unreal but with each passing day, it becomes more and more real until Ava decides that it’s not how she wants her reality to be.
How can she possibly accept that one of the two people who taught her how love is supposed to look is suddenly gone. No goodbyes, no chances of anything, just purely gone without them even getting a chance to turn things around.
“To make things worse, it’s my fault,” Ava can’t stop the sob.
“It’s not your fault,” are Beatrice’s first words.
“No, it is. If I didn’t forget my book for one subject, mom wouldn’t drive to my school to give it. If she didn’t drive, she wouldn’t have collided with that truck with a drunk driver! She’d still be alive. My dad would still be happy. We’d all still be happy!” Ava says.
Beatrice shakes her head but doesn’t say anything to contradict her. As Ava continues to cry, Beatrice slowly reaches, putting her hand on top of Ava’s.
“Every year, dad still celebrates her birthday as if she’s alive. But I know, deep inside, he wishes for mom to still be with us. And I’m to blame for why my dad suddenly lost the love of his life. He lost his wife, Beatrice. Because of me.”
All these years, Ava blamed herself. She loves her dad so much. She knows that Dante loves her too. Although whenever she sees Dante looking at his wallet, particularly at the photo of his wife, Ava’s mom, a part of her heart dies and she blames herself even more.
Beatrice squeezes her hand, “Thank you. For trusting me.”
“I’m sorry, Bea,” Ava says in between her sobs. “Aside from Camila, you’re the only person who knows about this. And I,” she fails to complete her sentence. She runs out of words to say. All Ava wants is to not feel like that anymore.
“Ava, Dante might have lost his wife, but you,” Beatrice uses her fingers to tuck away the loose strands of Ava’s hair, putting it behind her ear. “Darling, you lost a mother. I can’t tell you to stop blaming yourself because that doesn’t happen in a snap. But do know that no one is blaming you, not Dante, not the world, and surely not your mom.”
“I just miss her so much,” she says.
“I know,” Beatrice gently pulls her into a hug even though it’s uncomfortable because of their position. Somehow, it doesn’t matter. Ava thinks that it’s the most comfortable and safest place to be. Between Beatrice’s arms.
A few minutes in that position before Beatrice breaks the hug and wipes her tears. Ava leans her cheek against the girl’s palm, “I thought you hated me.”
Finally, after so many days and hours and minutes of not seeing it, Beatrice finally smiles at her. “Well, I was hurt.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry,” Beatrice says. “I didn’t know that things have been that hard for you. I should have been more careful with my actions.”
“I was unfair. I was selfish. I took everything out on you,” Ava admits.
Beatrice tilts her head, slyness evident in her eyes. “Simply put, you were jealous, right?”
“You were flirting with someone else, Bea!”
“I wasn’t. Amanda’s Lilith’s cousin. We know each other. She’s married,” Beatrice says.
Ava’s lips part.
“You, however,” Beatrice uses a finger to tilt her chin. “Single? Fun here, fun there? Show you how much fun you two can have?”
“I…” how can she possibly admit that the reason why she’s looking for a distraction is that she’s becoming too invested in pretending that almost all of her is wishing and praying for it to not be pretend anymore?
Beatrice sighs, “We have two months left, Ava. Just two months for you to secure your company. Please, don’t let our efforts go into waste.”
Her heart sinks. At the end of the day, it’s still about the deal they made. What was Ava thinking? She feels so stupid to even think that Beatrice somehow feels the same. They made a deal. Beatrice is only keeping her end of the bargain. It’s not like within those months that they’re ‘pretending’ that like Ava, she has fallen in love too.
Ava wants the ground to swallow her whole. She almost gave everything. She almost had sex with Beatrice, for Pete’s sake! And that wasn’t just some sex. Ava knows that if that pushed through, she’d be down the rabbit hole to the point of no return. It’s not like her situation is any better.
“Looks like the rain has settled,” Beatrice looks at the road again and starts driving. “I’ll drive you home.”
“Okay,” Ava says. She tells herself: New game plan? Survive the next two months without falling even deeper than where she is now. If that’s even possible.
~
A board meeting is scheduled in the upcoming week and in that board meeting, Ava is to be announced as the next CEO. Yes, her dad is so convinced that she and Beatrice are dating that he already told the board that he’ll be giving his position to Ava. The board didn’t even complain because like Dante, they’re also convinced that Ava and Beatrice will be in this long run together.
Things are better. At least, that’s what Ava thinks. Beatrice pretty much reverted to how affectionate she has been before their fight. Everyday, she goes to Ava’s place to work and when there are days when she needs to go out and meet clients, she updates Ava without even being asked to do so.
Ava prays to every saint and god she knows for more strength. With every peck, every hug, and every lingering look, she wants everything to be true. She wants Beatrice to continue looking at her like that even after their deal’s done. She wants to continue holding Beatrice’s hand when they’re walking outside. She wants to continue the little shopping sprees she does with Beatrice trailing behind her, carrying some of the clothes she bought.
Those little things. Ava wants them.
But it’s hard running against time. The more she enjoys it, the faster days go by.
At the moment, Camila is sitting on the couch with Ava beside her, watching something on the television while Beatrice is by the dining area. She hears the laptop close, causing her to look away from the screen and to where Beatrice is.
“You okay, Bea?” Ava asks.
“Yes,” Beatrice stands and puts her laptop inside her bag. “I just need to meet an investor,” she stands up, walks to where Ava is and even though Ava is seeing her ‘girlfriend’s’ face upside down, she thinks Beatrice’s face is just so perfect.
“Will you be back for dinner?” Ava asks.
With Beatrice’s hands on both sides of her head, the girl leans down, “Yes, darling. I’ll see you later.” She kisses Ava like how Spiderman kissed Mary Jane for the first time. It’s become like that, like a routine they’ve established and have gotten used to.
When Beatrice leaves, Camila says, “Okay, did I miss the part where you two started dating each other for real or what?”
“What?”
“You and Beatrice, obviously.”
Ava laughs, unable to hide her disbelief, “We’re not dating.”
“And I’m not gay.”
“What?”
“You two are obviously into each other. I mean, I know you have feelings but if Beatrice is acting with that then damn, she’s a good actor,” Camila comments.
Ava stops laughing, “Camila, we’re not dating. Like, this is still pretend.”
Camila stares at her, like she grew another head or something. Then she shrugs, “Okay. She’s pretending. You’re not.”
“Can you stop?”
“What? You really are not. We both know that! You are way too deep down to be pretending. And what’s with those puppy eyes and kisses before leaving, huh? You hate affection. You prefer sex over kisses. Is that all pretend?”
She sighs before throwing her head back, “I don’t know, Camila. I don’t even want the company anymore. Honestly, I’m fine just like this. I can start my own business. Maybe be a fashion designer since people often say I have a future there. Hire Lilith as my model and all.”
“Then why are you still pretending to be in a relationship to get the company?”
“I made a deal with Beatrice that if I get the company, I’ll invest in hers. I’m doing it so I can help her,” she admits. Ava rubs her thumbs together and bites her lower lip, “I just don’t want to disappoint her, you know?”
“And you love where you are right now?”
Ava slowly nods, “I get to show her how I feel without her doubting my intention. For all she knows, I’m still pretending.”
“But you’re not.”
“But I’m not,” she agrees.
“Honey, what have you done to yourself?”
“Say it.”
Camila cocks her head, “What?”
“Before all of these, you said that most pretend relationships end up in a mess. I didn’t listen. Say it, say ‘I told you so’. I’m ready,” Ava says.
“I won’t say that,” Camila shakes her head this time. “I’m your best friend, Ava. What matters to me is that you’re not hurt. If the person you’re fake dating now isn’t Beatrice, then you would have succeeded. But then again, Beatrice just kinda knows what to do with you. It’s like she has a cheat sheet on how to operate Ava.”
What Camila says makes her laugh. “You’re making things up now.”
“I wish I was, hun,” her best friend nudges their shoulders together. Then she leans her head on Ava’s shoulder, “Tell me when you need me, hmm?”
Ava nods, “Always, Cami. You know you’re my person.”
“The Cristina to your Meredith. The Monica to your Rachel. The Cher to your Dionne.”
~
“Are you ready?” she hears Beatrice’s voice from the doorframe. Ava looks over her shoulders, seeing her fake girlfriend, whom she has fallen for, wearing a navy blue suit. The suit matches her navy blue dress. The only difference is their shoes. While Beatrice chooses to go with oxford brown shoes, Ava leans towards her trusted nude stilettos.
“I’m having a hard time choosing if I want to wear a gold necklace or a silver one,” she answers after turning her head. She looks at Beatrice from the mirror and sees the girl taking steps towards her.
Ava has two necklaces in her hands. The gold one with a sapphire pendant on the left, and the silver one with a blue zircon pendant. She’s already done with her hair, putting it in a high bun to emphasize her cheekbones. All that’s left is really to decide for her necklace.
She feels Beatrice’s hand on top of her left. “Sapphire makes your color stand out,” Beatrice says as she takes the sapphire necklace and puts it on Ava. The cold metallic chain makes her shiver, the tiny hairs on her back standing up. Ava hears Beatrice’s low chuckle, her breath against her skin, just by her nape. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, teasing.
“Quit lying,” Ava answers in a low tone. “I know you’re not,” she adds.
“You’re right,” Beatrice takes a step back, guiding Ava to turn around and face her. “These little reactions you cannot control, they’re somehow,” the taller girl uses a finger to trail down Ava’s neck, tracing the tiny bumps. She stops just above the chest where the last inch of skin lies. Beatrice looks at her through her thick lashes, “Alluring.”
“I’m already your girlfriend. For eleven months and two weeks to be exact, love. You ought to know that I am and will continue to set your standard in women,” Ava plays along, blurring their lines further and further.
Since they became okay, since they talked, they’ve gone back to how they were. That means they’re flirting, kissing, breaking the same rules they’ve set themselves. At least, Ava knows that she’s broken most of them. Especially Section 4 letter E.
“Must have been a hero in my past life to score such a wonderful woman such as yourself,” the taller girl shakes her head. “We should get going. We need those people to finally name you as the new head of the company,” Beatrice adds.
Yes. Although they haven’t reached the one year mark, it’s already been decided and Ava doesn’t know what to feel. She’s more nervous about breaking up with Beatrice after a while than running a multimillion dollar corporation.
“Then we can get the deal for your company,” Ava answers as they leave the unit.
“You shouldn’t worry about those things, Ava. Today is about you and your right to be the new CEO. You worked very hard for this, you studied for this, you learned from the ground and up,” Beatrice opens the passenger door.
The drive to the company is quiet. Ava holds the sapphire pendant. Not known to a lot of people, it’s the necklace her dad gave her mom when she was still alive. She opens the locket, looking at her mom’s smiling face. Remembering her mother, Ava thinks about how they’ve always cherished family above all. How she was taught to always prioritize her happiness rather than material things. While for the past years, material things have given her the happiness enough to fill the hole in her life, the type of happiness she’s looking for right now is not the type to be bought.
As they enter the board room, every part of Ava wants to run away. To hide from everyone– including Beatrice, so that she can stop whatever she’s feeling in her chest. Her dad looks at her, eyes gleaming with pride and happiness that looks oh so familiar to her. The board members, whom she already knows since she was a child, all looking at her. Beside her, with Ava’s arm linked with hers, Beatrice is smiling at her.
Dante clears his throat, “Everybody, I present to you the new CEO of S Enterprise, my one and only daughter, Ava Silva.” The applause causes more sand to go to Ava’s throat, drying her up completely.
As she stands by the podium with a mic waiting for her to make her first speech, Ava scans the room. Her dad, the board members, the press, their family friends, business partners, everyone’s there.
Ava prays for her mom to guide her. The moment she feels a cold touch on her shoulder, Ava clears her throat. With one last glance on Beatrice, she says, “I’m not dating Beatrice. I asked her to pretend to be my girlfriend so that I won’t lose the company my parents built from scratch.”
After she said those words, everything went flatline. Ava can hear nothing but a deafening siren from a passing ambulance that easily overwhelms the crowd’s noise. She sees nothing but blur. She feels like she’s being swept away by waves but she doesn’t mind.
If her mom was alive, Ava just knows that she would tell her to be honest with everyone and just start again with everything. Losing the company is better than living a life built around lies. Her parents taught her better than that and she will make them proud in ways she knows, in ways she will be also proud of. She will find a way to support Beatrice’s business on her own. But she can’t live her life knowing that she lied to get whatever it is she wanted.
“Ava!” she snaps out of her trance. Ava finds herself in a room with no glass walls. She’s alone with Beatrice, who is looking at her with a rather pained expression.
“B-Beatrice, I, I,” Ava is lost for words. She wants to say a lot of things– a million of things but she can’t find the right words to do so. Jumbled words float around her mind, scattered and a mess. Pretty much like her feelings.
Beatrice shakes her head, “Why?”
“I, I don’t… I, I just can’t,” she stutters. All of the things that happened for the past year came back flooding. The first time she sees Beatrice, the first time Ava felt her lips against hers. Getting used to Beatrice’s touches, her smile making Ava’s days, craving for her presence, everything leading to the realization that she has fallen deep and hard. Ava really dug up her own grave over the months.
“Why are you doing this to us? We—” Beatrice paces back and forth, her hands up her head. She stops and looks at Ava once more, her expression dancing in between anguish and hurt, “We were doing so good—”
It hurts. It hurts Ava so much that her feelings for Beatrice are the results of her own carelessness. The surge of emotions running through her veins, they’re cold, they’re a mess. Ava is pretty much a mess.
“Because I can’t pretend anymore!” Ava blurts out, cutting off Beatrice’s sentence. The latter, who looks like a deer in headlights, stares at her. The silence stretches longer with each second passing. It’s driving Ava beyond insanity. “Because this is supposed to be fake, Beatrice. This–” she points between the two of them then wipes the tear that manages to escape her, “This is supposed to be fake. But it’s not anymore, at least for me it’s not!”
Beatrice shakes her head, “Av–”
“No, listen to me!” Ava’s tears are out of control and though she’s surprised that her voice remains steady (shaky but steady), she continues. “I don’t want to keep pretending, okay? I’m falling for you. Fucking hell, Beatrice, I have fallen so fucking deep for you that I even passed Satan down there. I’m beyond deep and I’m fucking terrified because I’m never going to be able to recover from that whole twelve months of us being together. Those twelve months? It’s the happiest I have been since my mom passed away. So, I’m done, okay? I’m done. I can’t keep pretending that I’m not in love with you because I am and you don’t feel the same and everything in me screams for me to run away but still, I can’t because if I do run away, I will lose the remaining days I have left with you!”
The more Beatrice stays silent, the more Ava’s heart breaks. It’s maddening. It’s gut wrenching. Ava tries her best to stop her sobs. She holds on to her dear pendant, to her mother, to keep herself together. She looks away, not wanting to see Beatrice’s indifferent expression.
“Ava,” Beatrice’s voice is soft, gentle even, as she calls Ava’s name. Like a prayer that is said in such a delicate manner. Ava slowly looks up, her eyes still filled with tears. Somehow, she can’t stop them but they’re more controlled now rather than earlier where it was just waterfalls. Beatrice shakes her head, “Who in the world says that I do not feel the same?”
Ava feels numb all over. Her mind fails to register what she just heard and it’s still trying to process what Beatrice had said. “Huh?” she says out of nowhere.
“Darling, you only noticed me when you needed to. But for me, I’ve met you way before you even knew my existence. I was just hesitant to accept your deal because I didn’t want to find myself to the point of no return,” Beatrice’s eyes sparkled with shyness with a hint of excitement.
“What?” Ava asks again.
“I told your dad how we met, remember?” she nods at Beatrice’s question.
“It’s just a story you made on the spot, right?”
Beatrice shakes her head, “No, darling. I really did first see you when you were with Camila in one of her gigs. You’ve had that certain aura that made me curious about you. But then again, Lilith had warned me that you’re not the type to date. The next time I saw you, I practically begged Lilith to introduce us and when she did, you weren’t interested. You were on your phone the whole time, Ava. I got the hint. I’m not your type.”
“You mean…” Ava is lost for words once again. She can’t believe that Beatrice likes her. Hell, she can’t believe Beatrice liked her way before she did!
Though embarrassed, Beatrice nods and sighs, “I settled myself with the conversation we had about the importance of reading quality books rather than getting sucked in social media. After that, you never looked my way again. I told myself to not get too close to you because I will end up regretting it. Lo and behold, I am once again unable to keep my word because I agreed to be your fake girlfriend even if I knew right then and there that I’d be getting the shorter end of the stick.”
“Wait,” Ava holds a hand up, still in complete disbelief. “You like me?”
“Since the day I laid my eyes on you, darling,” a corner of her mouth lifts. “Although for the past year, I’m pretty sure I have fallen for you rather than liking you. What’s not to love?”
“I’m hot headed.”
“Worry not, I keep my cool most of the time,” Beatrice says.
“I like drinking. And getting drunk!” Ava answers.
The taller girl nods, “I’ll make sure to take you home and help you with your hangovers.”
“I kick when I sleep!” Ava tries to find more reasons on why liking her is a bad decision for Beatrice.
Although it seems like Beatrice has an answer to everything, “I’ll have to hug you every night then.”
“I’m very, very, and I mean very high maintenance,” she tries for the last time.
Beatrice takes a step forward, her hand reaching for Ava’s while the other snakes around the shorter girl’s waist. “I’ll spend my life maintaining you, darling.”
Ava nibbles her lower lip, “I just told everyone that we’re not dating. I think I just lost the company and my dad’s mad at me. Plus, my next problem is the money for your company.”
She half expects Beatrice to scold her about that but to her surprise, the girl chuckles. “Well, darling, you can always tell them that we’re dating for real this time. As for your dad, I have a feeling he is, in the least, mad at you. And if you’re worrying about my problem with my company, don’t. I already closed a deal with a renowned company and it’s set to be successful. Also thanks to you. I think Dr. Perez is quite fond of you, to be honest.”
Ava’s eyes widened, “You closed the deal with Dr. Perez?! The one with a bitch of a daughter?!”
Beatrice chuckles, “Yes, darling. He mentioned that Vania has grown significantly mature and is working on herself to be a classy lady. All thanks to you, he said.”
“Basically, we have no problem right now?” she asks, trying to find any reason to overthink.
The taller girl walks to the door and turns the knob, “The world has a lot of problems, darling.” Beatrice offers a hand with a smile on her face, “Let’s think about them together.”
Ava excitedly reaches out for the hand waiting for her. They walk away hand in hand and before they can exit the building, Ava hears her dad.
“Ava Silva! You have a lot of explaining to do, young lady!” Dante’s voice roars from the end of the hallway.
Ava looks at her dad, “I’ll explain everything tomorrow, daddy. For now, I just want you to know that Beatrice? I love her! The way you love mommy.”
Dante stops his tracks. He looks puzzled for a moment and then he starts to laugh, “Oh, princess, you are definitely your mother’s daughter.” He waves his hand, shooing them away, “Go on. Leave. I’ll handle everything here.”
Ava doesn’t need to be told twice. She squeezes Beatrice’s hand and breaks into a run, Beatrice running behind her, laughing as well.
“Don’t laugh. We’re trying to make an escape! This won’t work if you’re laughing!” Ava scolds in a joking manner.
Beatrice shakes her head, “A bit unconventional for a first time but I cannot wait.”
“For?” They stop just by the exit with almost every employee looking at them, clearly confused.
“I love you, Ava. And no matter where you take me, we will make it work as long as you love me too,” Beatrice, this time, holds Ava’s hand and leads them out of the building.
How long does it take for someone to fall in love? Ava will say, maybe a year. Maybe a little less than that. About three months, with the right person, of course.
At what age does a person ‘mature’? Maturity happens when a person realizes that the world isn’t about their struggles. It’s about how they work around those struggles.
When living one’s life to the fullest consists of nothing but bad habits, does that make the life still worth living? Ava’s done with bad habits. The only habit she will be having now is falling over and over for Beatrice.
There are so many questions in the world but none of them interest Ava Silva. Why? Her only interest is about a certain woman. A woman she asked to be her fake girlfriend. A woman she unconsciously fell for. A woman named Beatrice.