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Dear Nonnies is The Elemental’s advice column, run by the ever-friendly Nitrogen and Neon. Have a problem and need advice? Submit your query to [email protected] today! Questions anonymised for publication.
Edition 10
Dear Nonnies,
I’ve developed romantic feelings for a halogen!! The kind that makes me want to set things on fire and party in the flames. Now, the thing is, we’ve been friends for so long I fear she’s long friendzoned me. Other than sharing an electron, how can I indicate my interest in being her stable partner? -f
NITROGEN: As your resident happily-triple-bonded-to-myself advice giver, I’d like to hone in on this part of your submission. You mentioned sharing electrons. If this indicates that you are nonmetallic, and if stability is important in your relationships, I suggest you perish this romantic interest of yours. The halogens are famously unstable outside of metal salts.
That being said, if natural stability is not a requirement, and you believe you can withstand the rigours of keeping your union stable, I suggest you look into our article on How to Woo a Nonmetallic, written by the esteemed Iodine. Being friends is still a good place to start – you can skip the ‘make yourself familiar’ part!
NEON: As your resident noble gas, I have no advice for you. I simply cannot comprehend what possesses you to do such a thing. Listen to Nitrogen.
Edition 11
Dear Nonnies,
So, I have a long-term crush on my best friend. She is an amazing, brilliant, vivacious person who deserves the world, and I’m happy to say that most of the time, the world is at her feet. But that means there are entire queues lining up for her interest, and all of them are better options than me. Recently she invited me out alone and dropped some heavy hints she’s begun looking into them – how do I convince my heart to let go of her? -c
NEON: Editor, don’t we have a rule of one romantic query every five editions?
(Editor’s note: While this is true, the last romantic query was for editions 6-10. Edition 11 starts a new count.)
NITROGEN: I’m so sorry to hear that, C. Getting over a broken heart is never easy – especially not when they don’t even know they’re breaking your heart and they’re a good friend. If you’ve made up your mind to not tell them, it might be time to do some self-reflection. What do you want to keep from this friendship? What parts of yourself can you sacrifice? These are hard questions, so I suggest you read Beryllium’s self-care guide and follow their recommendations while you search for an answer.
But if you haven’t made up your mind to tell them, can I suggest you do? The worst that can happen is you’ll be at the same point you are now, and it won’t be too late to look into the self-care then. C, I wish you the best of luck.
Edition 17
Dear Nonnies,
Ever since I invited my halogen friend on a date, she’s drifted away from me, and I think she wants to end our relationship. I’m devastated, of course, but I would burn down the world to make her happy… so how do I end a friendship without hurting her? -f
NEON: Dear F, can you cool your pyromania a bit? My close friends circle are all in the firefighting profession.
NITROGEN: Oh, F. Sometimes life just doesn’t work out the way you want it to. If she’s not ready for this, apologise for overstepping her boundaries – Manganese has a solid article on apology gifts for various classes – and give her some time to process. Wait for her to respond, but don’t drop contact entirely. The halogens have a wide friend circle, so I’m sure you’ve got some mutual friends. Arrange some group activities, and keep in touch. If you’re sure you can’t salvage this, submit another question – but don’t give up hope yet!
NEON: Also, Nitrogen forgot to mention that the halogens are especially good at forgiving and forgetting. I don’t think you need to visit Uranium just yet.
Edition 24
Dear Nonnies,
I think my presence is making my best friend sad. Last weekend we had a games night with some mutual friends, and while I was getting the drinks a friend pulled me aside to ask if I’d upset her in any way – she said my best friend kept looking at me despondently when I wasn’t looking. She also doesn’t talk to me as much as she used to. Nonnies, how do I get over this heartbreak? -c
NEON: Do you think the editor will let me take leave?
(Editor’s note: No.)
NITROGEN: …C, are you sure your presence is making her sad? It sounds more like your friend is sad you aren’t paying her any attention, and she’s waiting for you to talk to her. And if you’ve answered your questions since the last submission, now is the time to tell her what you want. I know it’s frightening and takes courage, but this will lead to a better outcome than ghosting her.
NEON: Unless you don’t want to be friends with her anymore, in which case, I hear that disappearing into the wilderness for a star cycle or two is a great way to get over romantic failures.
NITROGEN: Please do not take any romantic advice from Neon.
Edition 25
WEATHER: Over the next forty-eight hours, large quantities of hydrochloric acid are expecting to drift from the south and precipitate as rain. The recent geyser eruptions are expected to continue pumping unusually reactive chlorine gas into the atmosphere for another week, though the cause behind this outburst has not yet been determined.
Check out our subscribers-only articles What To Do In Case of Chlorination and You’ve Been Fluorinated, Now What? on actions you can take once the rainstorm passes! Start your 30-day free trial by clicking here.
Edition 26
BREAKING: METAL-FLUORIDE FIRE UNDERWAY AT 9 LITHIC STREET
Firefighters are on scene, and traffic in the surrounding area has been advised to detour via Argos Street, Sun Bridge or Bright Boulevard. It is currently unknown what caused the blaze, nor which metal is involved. Fluorine was not available for comment.
To read more, register an account. This article is complimentary.
Edition 29
WEATHER: Extreme fluorination is expected to occur within the next week due to volatile fluorine gas moving in from the northeast. Fluorine has declined this masthead’s request for comment.
A reminder that the halogen season this star cycle is expected to begin next week. Make sure all your dwellings have been properly treated! Enjoy a reading of our astronomer’s calendar for the rest of the star cycle with your 30-day free trial.
Edition 31
CRYPTIC CROSSWORD
Down
9: Sees I, a country, hiding behind spilled flour (12)
17: A spicy vegetable and a rock agree: tis time to stir it up! One anion, please (8, 3)
Across
26: What can fill a room but takes up no space? (4)
Edition 32
NEIGHBOURHOOD SUBMISSIONS
#1
To my brother in alkaline earth metals, can you stop burning my eyes out every other day? We get it, you’re having fun cuddling your partner, but pull down the damn blinds. -ba
#2
As much as I appreciate the importance of commiserating with a reliable friend over ice cream and whisky, can whoever’s coming over write ahead so the rest of us can get out of the house? Especially if you’re going to break standard valencies, the hairs at the back of my neck are exhausted. Also you owe me money to replace everything that burned in those little spot fires. -pt
#3
A reminder to all our lovely metal friends to put some paint on, oxidation orbit is coming! Slip, slap, slop – you don’t want to be rusting off. -ar
Comments:
I can’t. -al
But you can set a good example! -ar
#4
To whoever was hanging out with Gold last night – I’d say sorry for eavesdropping but the entire house heard you, our walls really aren’t very good. Anyway, have you considered she’s misinterpreting your intentions? I’m just saying, “I think we should move on from our friendship phase” is not as romantic as you think it might be. -hg
#5
I can’t believe I have to say this. If you want me to come paint your houses red, the correct procedure is NOT to break my door in! It is to fill out the form on my website! Does the transition in transition metals stand for transitioning into stupidity? -br
Edition 34
Dear Nonnies,
Your advice last time worked really well – we talked it out, and my best friend’s told me that I mean a lot to her (her exact words were that I’m worth more than anyone else in the world) and she’s not letting go of our relationship so easily. We both apologised for making each other sad and promised to communicate better. The problem is there’s now an insidious whisper in my ear saying I might have a chance, when I know she’s got so many better options… how do I solve this problem of being back at step one? -c
NEON: Have you considered confessing? Didn’t you just promise to communicate better? I can’t believe I’m saying this.
NITROGEN: I can’t believe Neon can give good romantic advice… C, I have to agree that confessing may be in your best interests. You deserve some closure on this, and dancing around the issue is a proven way to not find that closure – as we’ve observed over the past twenty-three editions. I’m very glad to hear you’ve made up, though! Now gather your courage again, and step out of the circle that brought you back to step one.
Edition 38
LIFESTYLE
The unexpected clearing of the silicon tetrafluoride plume earlier this week presents a prime opportunity to engage in some outdoor activities! The writers at The Elemental offer you five excellent suggestions:
- Visit the beach. It’s always a good time to catch up with Hydrogen, Silicon and Oxygen. Our metal friends are reminded to brush up their coat of paint – slip, slap and slop!
- Visit the mountains. If you’re tired of being salted, the mountains will welcome you! You might even find some rare earth metals hanging out, or find the conditions are just right to create some snazzy new compounds.
- Perform outdoors meditation. If you’re an element with radioactive isotopes, outdoors meditation can be a great way to release all that excess energy. You’ll come back fresher than ever before!
- Observe some wild electrons. Several stars and nebulae are open to visitors in every orbit, and the properties of electrons guarantee you’ll always see a surprise! However, please remember to check your local laws on adopting electrons before you return as an anion.
- Do chores. It’s true, nobody likes them. But recent events show you can never be too proactive in preventing fluorination around the house, and it’s always a good idea to check your insurance policy in case you aren’t covered by metal fires. Our partner PureInsure has a 40% off signup deal this month – check out their available policies here!
Edition 41
Dear Nonnies,
Just coming in with an update – I’m now a few days away from our third (!!) date. Nonnies, thank you so much for all the advice so far, I’ve added a yearly subscription to The Elemental to the household budget. And while I have some ideas, I don’t suppose you guys have third-date suggestions? -c
NEON: Did you really have to submit this the one time Nitrogen is away on leave? I’ve never gone on a date in my life. Maybe you can burn the house down.
Edition 43
Dear Nonnies,
My partner said you were the ones who gave her the idea for our third date. Thanks a bunch for that! It was the most memorable compound I’ve ever made, and I had an absolute blast doing it. -f
NEON: … I know you had a blast. The whole town knows you had a blast. There is literally a ten-metre deep crater in the ground that’s living proof you had a blast. That’s not even mentioning the fluorination. Congratulations, by the way.
NITROGEN: What in the galaxy happened while I was away?
NEON: And here’s a reminder to the readers that if you missed Sulfur’s reporting, the article can be found here for all subscribers: Unquenchable fire rages on Crown Street.
Edition 42
UNQUENCHABLE FIRE RAGES ON CROWN STREET
Reporter: Sulfur
A seemingly-unquenchable fire is underway on Crown Street, having started at approximately sundown this evening. Witnesses report the temperatures dropping and the pressures increasing before an explosion was heard, with flames quickly engulfing several buildings. Crown Street is resident to a number of halogens, including Chlorine and Fluorine; the standing advice for all metals is to stay well away from the area.
The fire has presently burned through eight buildings as well as three metres of various calcium silicates and aluminates. Regular fire retardants, including hydrogen dioxide, carbon dioxide, silicon dioxide and hydrous magnesium silicate have all failed to control the fire, and indeed the fire appears to have consumed them as fuel. Several noble gases are present at the scene and are attempting to corral the flames.
A statement from Argon on the flames:
The fire is fuelled by a brand-new chlorine/fluorine compound. Based on my limited theoretical knowledge of covalent bonding, this is likely to be trifluoride. It is an excellent oxidiser and I would advise everyone nearby to store their favourite compounds away safely lest it be irrevocably changed. Finally, I would like to congratulate Fluorine and Chlorine on their budding relationship. May it provide you with as much joy as you’ve provided the entire village with your submissions in Dear Nonnies.
To finish reading, register an account today. The rest of the article is complimentary.
Fluorine peered at the article on Chlorine’s screen, then tugged the phone out of her hands to better snuggle into her electron field. “We sure took the long way around, didn’t we?” she said.
Chlorine buried her face in Fluorine’s hair, filling her senses with the sharp tang of fluorine gas. “Mercury wasn’t wrong about your choice of words,” she mumbled.
“I thought it was pretty obvious!” objected Fluorine, before she subsided with a laugh. “Alright, alright, I see his point. Communication’s not my strong point.”
“It doesn’t matter,” said Chlorine, holding her tighter. “We’re here now, and that’s a good enough ending for me.”
Fluorine’s electron field was awash with contentment. “We’re here now,” she echoed fondly. “Though, Chlorine, we’re missing just one thing.”
Chlorine should probably order more fire extinguishers. That was a problem for later. “Go on,” she encouraged, and relaxed to the cheerful voice of her partner describing her vision of chlorine pentafluoride.