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Growing up and learning to let go of certain things has always been something I found tough, but when it becomes a necessity, we realize that being an adult means not having the luxury of choice. For me, Mark was something I never wanted to leave behind, but I had to if I wanted to grow.
Our story is the classic cliché, childhood best friends because we were neighbors. Then puberty hits, he unexpectedly becomes quite hot, and I'm a mess of misunderstood feelings and emo hairstyles. Until I was 15, I looked like a snotty kid who just left kindergarten, but Mark was always there with all the tools to protect me.
It's hard not to fall in love when your best friend defends you from every bullying incident and takes you for ice cream every Wednesday because you wanted to start a high school tradition. It should have been hard; I should have resisted Mark playing the guitar, smiling with those beautiful teeth, and sporting the popular Justin Bieber hairstyle of the time. I should not have read every song he composed, should not have helped organize every birthday party for our friends (because he cares that much), and should not have accompanied him for volunteer work because he felt so grateful for every day of his life that he liked to share that joy.
But, in all my foolishness, I followed him. I fell for strange haircuts, songs with extremely romantic and tragic lyrics for a teenager, and unexpected gestures of affection. I fell for the sweet boy who spent his entire allowance on gifts for the orphanage we helped, the boy who smiled even at a tree and apologized if he couldn't answer someone's question.
I think this is where I deviate a bit from these memories and come back to the present, to the last year of high school. Here I am, Lee Donghyuck, in all my glory, listening to Olivia Rodrigo and crying once a week for a love that will never be reciprocated. Listening to this same best friend talk about girls who are like a dream to him, who are sweet and soft and kind. Something I could never be because I'm not a girl, not sweet, never as soft as he wishes, and not as kind as he deserves. I'm noisy, clingy, and like to be loud when I'm with my friends.
His dream girl has good grades and sings in the church choir. I'm a guy who can't pay attention in class without my meds and, to be honest, doesn't know what I believe in. I am everything he doesn't desire, doesn't even cross his mind.
That's why I speak as if my emo phase never passed and I'm composing an indie album from the 2000s. But it's also why I decided to start the year by changing, leaving some things behind and overcoming old loves. I carry this messy feeling that leaves me all sweaty and awkward around Mark, since I was 8 and he surpassed my height. When my heart raced for the first time comparing the sizes of our palms, something I refused to do because of that boyish competitiveness. When my face got so hot that I imagined the sun beside me, but it was just you playing Backstreet Boys on the guitar, and I wished it was for me.
That's why, about to leave high school, I decided to leave my love for Mark where it should be, in my adolescence. I can't carry this love with me because it may seem fun and beautiful, but sometimes it weighs as if it were a circus troupe on my shoulders. Because sometimes it pricks my heart like old fabric. Because sometimes I feel like I'm in a sandstorm when I see you smiling at someone other than me, and it turns me into a person I definitely don't want to be. So, in light of all these facts, I decided that you would be just a part of my past.
Because if I were a girl, I would have loved you alone for a long time. If I were a girl, I would have shared with all my college friends about the boy I used to love for 10 years, who made my heart tremble and my face warm. It would have been ten years of unrequited love, making for a beautiful story to tell. But I'm just a guy, not allowed to be in love with his best friend and trying to share my growing pains.