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I’m jealous that you spent so much time with my brothers while I was holed up in the attic.
I’m jealous that you became so close with Beel.
I’m jealous that you were able to connect with everyone so easily. Even Satan and Lucifer. I never really thought you’d be able to get through to those two.
Only a really weak person or a coward would let things like that get to them. I’m not even really sure why I’m bothered.
I’m sorry I tricked you. And I’m sorry I tried to kill you. And I’m sorry for wanting to destroy the human world.
…Gosh, when I lay it all out like that, it sounds bad…
I don’t like feeling guilty.
It’s much easier to just not think about things that make me feel like a bad person. Like how I’m such a slacker. I never really pull my own weight. And since I’m the youngest, my brothers never give me such a hard time about it. Or how if I wasn’t so lazy and weak, Beel could have protected Lilith. He wouldn’t have had to waste his time saving me. Or how I let myself blame an entire world of people for the death of my sister, just because she loved it so much. It’s easier to blame “the humans” than to blame myself. Though… that’s just me taking the easy way out again. Beel didn’t end up thinking like that, and he feels just as responsible for what happened to Lilith. Beel is strong, though. He doesn’t take the easy way out of things. That’s what I do. That’s what Belphie does.
I don’t know how to feel about you.
I know that I feel something about you. It’s a sort of sick, sort of dizzy feeling in my chest and in my stomach. When you hold my hand, or when I wake up from napping and see your face close to mine, my heart races.
…Ha. I’m not actually that stupid. I know what it means when you feel like that about somebody. It’s more that I don’t know how I feel about my feelings.
It’s kind of uncomfortable to feel like this about someone when the first thing you did after they freed you from captivity was try to murder them. I keep thinking, “If someone did that to me, I would hate them.”
But you don’t hate me. I don’t understand why.
…That’s not actually true either. It’s because you’re a loving person. That’s how you got my brothers to like you so much. That’s also how you got me to like you so much.
You’re the first person I ever had these sorts of feelings about. Did you know that? I always loved to sleep, but I never used to be so excited to see someone in my dreams. And I know I mentioned it already, but the way it feels to wake up and see you…
…It’s a whole feeling, alright.
I don’t really deserve to want special attention from you, but I’m lazy and selfish and all that so I want it anyway. I want to hold your hand so badly sometimes I feel like I might cry. Isn’t that pathetic? It’s embarrassing.
So what are you thinking about? What sort of things do you wish for? What kind of dreams do you have? Do you ever dream about me?
I like to think you do. Maybe we can meet each other in our dreams someday. I feel like, if I was dreaming, I’d be brave enough to tell you stuff that I can’t say in the real world.
I wish…
…Well. It doesn’t really matter.