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Atsumu never took himself as a selfless person. He never really went out of his way to help people that he didn’t know or care about, and the ones he did care about sometimes thought he could be way too harsh and invasive. But, as his lungs started to give up under the pressure of those godforsaken roots and flowers, he thought that maybe this was the most selfless thing he could do for someone, for Kiyoomi.
He would die to free him of a contract as eternal as a soulbond was. And, for once, he didn’t mind being inconvenienced like this. Maybe because, if he really thought about it, he knew it was his fault. He never should’ve fallen in love.
Although, it was probably bound to happen anyway.
For as long as he could remember, Atsumu hated the idea of human soulmates.
He didn't like that only shifters could pick up on the bond because that just meant they could easily take advantage of it with any human they fancied. After all, it was common knowledge for shifters that most humans were eager to dive into all things mythological. What better way to do that than being a creature’s soulmate?
Atsumu didn’t like it. He wanted the other person, his soulmate, to be able to feel that precious bond and not only rely on his word because he was born a fox shifter.
But destiny was a funny and cruel thing.
Atsumu met his soulmate during his very first All Japan Youth Training Camp, in his first year of high school. He was excited, he kind of wished he could turn into a fox to run around the court, but he also wasn't a kit anymore, so he could control himself. The phantom feeling of his tail wagging had him constantly turning around to make sure he didn't accidentally shift, Osamu was making fun of him for that but it was obvious his twin was just as excited.
There were a lot of great players there, but he only knew a couple of names. Like Ushijima Wakatoshi. Most of them were in their first year as well, so they didn't have as big a reputation as Japan's Cannon. Still, he was buzzing with joy to know more people who were as passionate as him about volleyball. If he wanted to become the best setter in Japan, he would have to learn to work with any and every spiker.
And then, Sakusa Kiyoomi appeared in his life. With his ugly yellow uniform, worn neon shoes, cute moles and a mop of unruly and poorly taken care of dark curls, he changed Atsumu's life forever with one single glance his way.
The moment Atsumu laid eyes on him, he just knew. Like the creature of ancient magic that he was deep inside, Atsumu was able to conjure up the universe's knowledge by just looking into Kiyoomi's deep dark gaze. That boy was his soulmate. That human boy was his soulmate.
The realization hit him like a train, and he stuttered some unintelligible words and stumbled back, horrified, still maintaining eye contact with Sakusa. He crashed into Osamu with the grace of a baby deer that was learning how to walk, and soon he ended up on the floor.
In an instant, his twin started yapping about his stupidity and Atsumu instinctively turned to look at him for a second but when he looked back to where Sakusa was, the boy was walking away from him already.
After that, the week-long camp passed by in a blur. He played match after match and learned new techniques, he even set for Sakusa Kiyoomi and he soon realized his spikes had a nasty spin to them, which was impressive. Still, Atsumu couldn't pay attention to anything else other than the fact that he had met his soulmate, and that his soulmate was a human.
He only told Osamu about his new discovery after they got on the train to Hyōgo. The only reason Osamu didn't make fun of him was, probably, because Atsumu looked scared while telling him. It was no secret that Atsumu didn't like the idea of a human soulmate.
With time, though, he made peace with the idea. He comforted himself by thinking that Kiyoomi was hours away from him and that they would never cross paths in a meaningful way if Atsumu kept that distance. It was fine. He would be fine, really. Even if some nights he woke up from dreams that that boy was the protagonist of. Stupid magic.
It didn't make sense, because he didn't know Sakusa Kiyoomi. He couldn't yearn for someone he didn't know. He refused to.
But fate, of course, had other plans. Atsumu was no more than just another one of its pawns.
His second year of high school, he was invited to go to the All Japan Youth Training Camp once more, this time, alone. And while that made him and Osamu fight a little, the only thing on his mind was Kiyoomi. Would he be there too?
He had grown so much in a year, he was the top 1 spiker in the whole nation now. There was no way he wouldn't be there, alongside Atsumu, the number one setter in Japan.
Walking into the gym where the camp would be, Atsumu warily looked around, looking for him. He didn't find him, so he sighed in relief and then went to find his room for the week. He hoped his roomie was chill, it would be great to make a friend or two.
He found the door with the number he had been assigned and, giddy with excitement, he opened it. Inside, none other than Sakusa Kiyoomi was spraying some disinfectant into his bedsheets. Even though Kiyoomi should've been the one surprised, Atsumu was the one looking like a deer in headlights.
Oh, why him?
“Are you gonna come in?” Kiyoomi deadpanned, to which Atsumu flinched. He scrambled to walk inside and then he shut the door close.
Not daring to look at Sakusa again, because every time he did he could feel the control on his magic self slipping away, Atsumu put his bag on the other bed and started taking things out to get ready for their first practice. He could hear Sakusa doing the same.
In silence, they both got ready and Atsumu waited for a minute after Sakusa left to leave as well. He needed to mentally prepare for the week.
The first day brought with it many surprises and Atsumu loved it. He had a great time working with different players and adapting to their styles and spikes. Here, no one really thought he was an asshole, because everyone was as hungry for getting better and better as him. He felt completely in his element.
In the end, he was exhausted but happy. A good shower was all that he needed before crashing into his bed to text his brother and annoy him just to have something to do instead of staring at his soulmate.
Entering their shared room, he saw Sakusa applying some kind of fluffy white cream to his hair. It was then that Atsumu realized that his hair looked better than a year before. Still not styled, but his curls were much more defined.
“Not satisfied with having the first place as a spiker, yer also going for best hair in the country?” He joked, his mouth faster than his brain to stop him from saying something stupid like just had done.
Yeah. He was so dumb. He tried saving face by awkwardly laughing after a second of silence passed.
Kiyoomi pointedly looked at him, then rolled his eyes at Atsumu's objectively lame joke and put his bag on the bed.
"If you're gonna be like this for the whole week, I'll go sleep on the floor of Motoya's room," he said, not even looking up while he collected the stuff he had already put out of his bag.
"Yeah, sure, Kiyoomi-kun!" Atsumu laughed again, messing with the sheets on his bed to make it more comfortable. "I saw ya have a meltdown over a roach last year, there's no way that ya would willingly sleep on the floor-"
The sound of a door slamming made Atsumu look up to find that Kiyoomi had left already with his stuff.
"Well, ouch."
He shrugged. Whatever. Kiyoomi could do whatever he wanted. They barely knew each other but Atsumu was starting to like having the boy's presence around. It was not because he was his soulmate. Sakusa was just… fun to be around. Sure. Deadpan and frown, and everything else. Fun.
Having said that, Atsumu liked the idea of having the room to himself. That way, Sakusa would stay away from him and Atsumu wouldn't get stupidly fixated on him just because of some mystical connection that only he could feel in the air and in his chest. He couldn't believe his determination to keep his soulmate at an arm's length had wavered so easily just by seeing him and being close while playing. Sure, it was mesmerizing to watch him spike but that was it.
But also, having the room for himself meant he could shift and decompress from an exhausting day in a makeshift nest, even if it wasn't as comfortable as the one he had at home. He let himself relax into his fox form and after a couple of seconds where his body tingled with the remnants of that inherited magic of creatures, he found himself on all fours and significantly smaller.
He stretched his front paws and let out a relieved little whine. Eager to finally lay in a nest, he started picking up sheets with his snout and rearranging them until he felt satisfied. In the midst of pulling and growling at the heavy pillow, Atsumu didn’t hear the sound of a door opening and closing.
He only realized Kiyoomi was back after said boy started emptying his lungs in the loudest scream Atsumu ever heard in his entire life. He turned around, startled, and his ears flipped back.
Kiyoomi panicked and tried opening the door again, but he couldn’t find the knob as he was too focused on the animal, scared it would pounce and attack him. The moment his hand finally found what it was looking for, Kiyoomi twisted it but he didn’t manage to swing open the door because the fox jumped off the bed, scaring him shitless, and also pushing the door with its body for it to remain closed. Kiyoomi screamed again and scurried away from the creature.
Seemingly conscious of Kiyoomi’s fright, which was eerie in itself, the fox stayed away as if he understood. Its stare was pinning Kiyoomi down and he felt way too nervous to even dare move. What if that startled the wild thing?
The fox tilted his head and Kiyoomi, in between his labored breath, felt compelled to do the same. Kiyoomi felt a little crazy, maybe because right in front of him the animal looked like it was smiling. Yeah, there was absolutely no way. He was going crazy, that’s what was happening.
Again, the fox tilted his head, now to the other side. Kiyoomi did the same, now more confused than scared, although he still was creeped out. The fox was definitely smiling at him.
Kiyoomi flinched when it yapped, like wanting to get his attention, and he took a couple of steps back, just to be safe.
“What the fuck…” he murmured, breathless, just as the fox in front of him transformed into Miya Atsumu. “What the fuck!”
Atsumu quickly walked to him to stop him from screaming again, placing his hands over Kiyoomi's mouth. Disgusted and terrified, Sakusa pushed him away and rubbed at his face.
“Kiyo- Omi-kun!” Atsumu exclaimed, panicked, when Sakusa bolted for the door. He surely would tell everyone. Atsumu couldn't risk that, so he put his whole weight on the door.
Kiyoomi's hand stayed on the knob.
“What the fuck, Miya.”
“Let me explain, please,” Atsumu begged. His gaze showed his fright and concern and, apparently, Kiyoomi couldn't help but empathize with him. Slowly, he let go of the knob.
“Make it quick,” he spat. Atsumu nodded several times before getting away from the door.
“I'm a fox shifter,” he explained in a soft, hushed voice. “And yes, I know the magic realm but no, I'm not magic in any other way apart from being able to shift, before you ask.”
Kiyoomi stayed put in his place for a couple of seconds and Atsumu thought that that was it. He was fucked.
But then…
“Can… can I see it again?” Kiyoomi mumbled, his gaze on the floor. “Your fox form,” he clarified. “I promise I won't freak out this time.”
Atsumu looked at him, stunned.
“What?” He blurted out. “Yer not gonna fuss about it like I'm an alien like people do?”
Sakusa shrugged, albeit hesitantly. He shifted his weight onto his left leg and pursed his lips before answering.
“I don't see the point in that,” Sakusa explained. “I'm just a little curious about it. I mean, yeah, I freaked out just a minute ago but in my defense I thought it was a common fox and that I was about to get mauled.”
Atsumu, relieved and amazed, let out a genuine laugh at that. Kiyoomi, strangely, didn't feel offended by that and even dared to chuckle along. Sighing, Atsumu calmed down and finally nodded, a big smile on his face.
“Sure, I'll show ya. I'll even answer any question ya might have, just because ya were nice about this.”
Just a couple of seconds later, Atsumu transformed back into his fox form and Kiyoomi looked at the magical change with fascination. He unconsciously kneeled on the floor to get close to the fox– to Atsumu, and extended his arm.
Loving the attention, Atsumu quickly skipped to Kiyoomi and pushed the boy's hand with his snout before letting him pet his orange fur. He looked up at Kiyoomi and felt joy run through his veins when he saw the surprised smile on his face. His large hands kept caressing his soft fur and he even let Atsumu playfully bite his fingers.
After a couple of minutes of playing, Sakusa told him that he could shift back, so he did. The moment he turned back to his human self, he heard a small gasp escaping Sakusa's lips, which made him laugh.
“What does it feel like?” Kiyoomi asked in a murmur, looking Atsumu's body up and down.
Sitting down in his messy bed, Atsumu patted the free place beside him and shrugged. Kiyoomi, incredulously, sat beside him. His face showed only curiosity and an almost childish excitement. He didn't seem to care about anything else. To Atsumu, having his soulmate’s undivided attention was a terrible, beautiful thing. He could feel the soulbond starting to strengthen, like individual strings braiding themselves to make a formidable rope that tied them together. He decided to ignore it for now. He would indulge this one time. Just once.
He could be just a little selfish.
“It's like, well… it's like a tingling sensation and then, poof, I'm a fox,” he provided, knowing that it wasn't really a good explanation. “It's weird to explain, it's just magic, I guess.”
Kiyoomi hummed, seemingly satisfied with that answer, before he opened his mouth to ask a new question. Atsumu didn’t even hesitate to indulge him with a response. Kiyoomi’s questions were pretty tame and not invasive at all, so it was easy to answer him. Or maybe it was because Atsumu couldn’t resist the invisible pull that made him give his soulmate whatever he wanted. Whatever it was, Atsumu didn’t have trouble ranting about his days as a kit and how he and Osamu were homeschooled for a couple of years because they hadn’t learn how to shift voluntarily and maintain a certain shape for a prolonged period of time.
He told him about the family trips to the woods where him and Samu would run for hours on end and play their own version of tag and hide and seek. That, because of tradition, he had learned how to hunt buthe wasn’t a fan of it unless it was to pounce on his own brother just to annoy him. He told him anything and everything Kiyoomi wished to know and, in exchange, he received a couple of Kiyoomi’s childhood memories.
By the time Kiyoomi stood up to go to his own bed, it was already late into the night. They didn’t stop talking when they turned off the lights, but eventually Kiyoomi’s responses became hushed and slurred, until he stopped talking. Atsumu smiled slightly.
It suddenly dawned on him. He wasn’t sure he was strong enough to keep Kiyoomi away.
For the next couple of days, they became inseparable on and off court. Everyone in that camp could agree that they were like a match made in heaven, or maybe in hell. The two volleyball-obsesed assholes that were too different, yet too similar. A rare and unlikely combo, but they just worked together weel. It was like second nature.
Atsumu was used to people not liking him and telling him he’s way too mean, way too intense. He says and he gives too much and not everyone can tolerate that. Actually, almost no one. But Sakusa? He could, and more importantly, he matched his energy. He never backed down from arguing with him, they could bicker without it turning into an actual fight. He demamnded everything from Atsumu on court and Atsumu wasn’t afraid or bitter to give it because he knew he would receive the same in return from Kiyoomi.
The boy wasn’t afraid of saying what was on his mind and that Atsumu could respect.
One could think their personalities had been crafted to clash and repel each other but that was just wrong. Atsumu actually thought there was no one in the world that would ever get him better than Sakusa Kiyoomi. There was no better match for him than that human boy and the universe knew it.
That’s why he was Atsumu’s soulmate. It felt bittersweet to know that because although he could admit they made a good pair, he refused to tie down Kiyoomi by telling him something the boy couldn’t prove by himself. It was unfair for both of them that only Atsumu could feel their bond thrumming in his heart and soul.
When the camp ended, Atsumu ignored the little voice in his head reminding him that he had promised himself to keep his distance, and asked for Kiyoomi’s number.
After all, he was a selfish, dumb little thing.
“Weren’t ya gonna stay away from him?” Osamu asked, with a mouthful of rice. He had seen Atsumu chuckle again after reading one of Kiyoomi’s messages. “Y’know? Ta not feel tempted to tell him that he’s yer soulmate?”
Atsumu frowned at his brother as he saw how some rice grains escaped his lips and fell to his lap.
“Yer really fucking gross, Samu,” Atsumu started, instinctively changing the subject. His brother gave him a pointed look and Atsumu squirmed in his place. “We’re just long distance friends and I’ll make sure it stays like that. That way I’ll never tell him because it’s casual and he’ll never know.”
Defensively, the blonde shrugged and put his phone away. It pinged with a new message and Osamu squinted his eyes.
“Sure,” the younger twin mumbled, not believing Atsumu one bit.
Atsumu didn't grab his phone again until Osamu left the living room.
Casual long distance friends, he had said. He was at least right in one of those. But his and Kiyoomi's friendship was far from casual.
As time passed by, their conversations shifted. It wasn't just banter and bickering with a few curious questions sprinkled into them anymore. With every new day, their topics would become more personal, more intimate. There was not one thing Atsumu didn't know about Kiyoomi and vice versa.
They had even started calling instead of just texting to rant about their days. Sometimes, they just stayed silent, appreciating each other’s company.
By the time Atsumu realized he had fucked up and he was down bad for his soulmate, he was MSBY’s setter and Kiyoomi was on his second year of college. The only comforting thing was that they were hours away. Still, they texted and called almost nonstop in their free time. Kiyoomi was an essential part of his day. It was foolish of him to even think that it would be casual, that he wouldn't fall in love.
“I told him that I wasn't going to let him get away with it, and he laughed all cocky thinking I wouldn't tell the professor but I did, and he got kicked out from the class,” Kiyoomi recounted while he folded his laundry.
Atsumu laughed.
“Well, serves him right for being lazy and stupid.”
“Right?” Kiyoomi groaned. “That's what I said but my team thought I was too harsh and mean, but I'm not gonna let some prick benefit from my hard work when they did nothing. Honestly, I think they're just mad because they too take advantage of others and they're uncomfortable because I unintentionally called them out, but I honestly do not care.”
There were many things about Kiyoomi that Atsumu loved but his favorite was that Kiyoomi didn't put up with anyone's bullshit. To anyone else, Kiyoomi was harsh and unnecessarily rude but Atsumu? He thought Kiyoomi was amazing for not even thinking twice before dropping people that weren't as hard-working as him, because he knew that those people didn't give their all, so they didn't deserve his all.
Kiyoomi was everything and more that Atsumu could wish for.
“God, I lov- lost! My, uh, keys…” Atsumu caught himself before he could screw up.
I love you.
He looked down at his palms, where his apartment keys were resting and frowned, mortified. Kiyoomi chuckled.
“You're helpless, Miya,” Kiyoomi mumbled under his breath, clearly amused.
For you.
Atsumu pinched the bridge of his nose at that thought. He was utterly screwed. His keys jingled, which made Kiyoomi ask him if he had found them, to which he replied a clipped yes.
Kiyoomi then kept talking like nothing had happened, because in reality, nothing happened to him. Meanwhile, Atsumu was feeling the floor crumbling beneath his feet.
Deep, deep down, he knew this would happen. He would inevitably fall in love with Kiyoomi no matter the distance. They had seen each other four times in total ever since they met, and only after the second time they saw each other they started to get along. That, to his heart, wasn't important.
That same night, after they hung up, Atsumu called Osamu. The moment his brother picked up, Atsumu let it out.
“I'm in love with Kiyoomi.”
Osamu stayed silent for a bit, unintentionally making his twin much more nervous and distressed.
“Will ya tell him?” Osamu asked after a while.
“I can't,” Atsumu replied instantly. “I- I just, there's no way I can tell him, Samu.”
He heard his brother’s long sigh.
“Atsumu, ya don't have to tell him he's yer soulmate. Ya could just say ya wanna date him,” Osamu reasoned.
Atsumu scoffed. Right, to his brother, all this was easy. He didn't get it. Osamu’s soulmate was nonhuman, so he couldn't possibly understand Atsumu's feelings on the matter. His twin’s soulmate could feel the bond just as strongly as Osamu, they could be sure.
“It doesn't feel right, though,” Atsumu explained. “I don't even know if he likes me back, but let's say I knew and I told him. If we were dating, I would feel guilty knowing that he's my soulmate and not telling him. It's dishonest to keep something as big as that from him. Something that concerns him… and if I selfishly told him, I would be tying him down to me. What if Kiyoomi doesn't want anything serious? What if he has big dreams and wants to leave the country? I couldn't do that, Samu. Plus, Kiyoomi will never actually feel the bond, he could just leave me and I wouldn't stand it.”
For the first time, Atsumu told his brother every single thing that involved his distaste for a human soulmate. And, for the first time, Osamu didn't retort anything, nor did he have a response.
“Just…” Osamu started after a few minutes of heavy silence. “Please, Tsumu, don't let this become something more. Don't- just don't suffer, okay?”
Atsumu was taken by surprise.
“Okay… Yeah, I'll… I won't. I promise.”
And he kept his promise… at least for two whole years.
Still thriving in the distance, Atsumu enjoyed having Kiyoomi all to himself every time they were free. It was easier to pretend that he wasn't in love too. Behind a screen, Atsumu could act nonchalant because he knew he just had to turn his camera away to properly swoon every time Kiyoomi laughed.
There was still a semblance of control thanks to the miles that kept them apart. As long as Kiyoomi stayed away, Atsumu would be able to reign in his feelings and keep on the low the magical and underlying feeling of their bond. The rope was so stretched that, to him, it was barely there. It was easy to turn a blind eye when his heart skipped a beat.
For two years, Atsumu enjoyed his love because it was easy to manage when he didn't have Kiyoomi with him. Because even if they were close, the small digital wall kept everything in his soul at bay.
And then, the most horrible and amazing thing happened.
Kiyoomi became a jackal. Number 15, the new official member. The most valuable player in the college division was standing right beside coach Foster with the team jacket over his shoulders. The serious, unbothered expression he had disappeared when he spotted Atsumu, and was replaced by the softest of smiles.
Atsumu felt like someone had punched him in the gut.
After the introductions, Kiyoomi walked up to him, and Atsumu felt breathless.
“Why are ya here?” He asked, in a mixture of amazement, confusion and distress. Kiyoomi only picked up on the first two.
“Surprise,” Kiyoomi mumbled, trying to sound uninterested, but his excitement was too obvious to Atsumu. “I figured it was finally time to play alongside my favorite setter.”
And wasn't that a statement for Atsumu's heart?
He chuckled, incredulous.
“I bet ya suffered without my tosses,” he joked. “Ya only had them twice in yer life and yet ya decided ya wanted them for the next couple of years?”
Kiyoomi smirked.
“What can I say, Miya? I know what I want, and how I want it.”
Atsumu couldn't stop the tingling magic of the bond taking over his whole self. He felt the rope tangling up on his body, tightening on his chest until he had no more air in his lungs. He gasped, and inevitably blushed, feeling flustered. Was Kiyoomi flirting ?
“I'm joking, come on. Pick up your jaw from the floor,” Kiyoomi chuckled and the ugly feeling of disappointment washed over Atsumu.
Right. Why would Kiyoomi ever flirt with him? They were friends. That was it. Kiyoomi didn't feel the same as him, and he didn't perceive the curse of being tied to Atsumu by the cruel universe. He had never shown any interest in him and Atsumu knew Kiyoomi had the right to decide who he fell in love with without fate and magic interfering. Atsumu was the fool that let himself be guided by the stars to be close and fall in love with the one being he didn't want to have. A human.
Stuttering for the second time since meeting Kiyoomi, he answered dumbly and then cursed himself in a mumble.
How would he ever survive this?
What were late nights and lazy afternoons on the phone quickly became late nights and lazy afternoons in each other's apartments. Even though they always used the excuse of movie night, they rarely ever watched movies. Instead, they spent hours laying on the couch, inches away from each other, talking and talking about whatever crossed their minds, or even playing, with Atsumu in his fox form being chased by Kiyoomi in their own version of hide and seek. Even on team outings, they stayed glued to each other, in their own little bubble.
The little control he had over his feelings slipped away from his fingers, and Atsumu started falling freely into the abyss of his enormous love. There was no way out, and the horrifying realization started eating away at him. He started fearing his love and its power. He knew that Kiyoomi would never look at him in that way, he would get spooked with Atsumu's intensity if he even found out.
The invisible rope in Atsumu's chest tightened every time he looked Kiyoomi in the eye whenever the boy –now man, smiled. It tightened whenever Kiyoomi called his name with a soft whisper meant for only him. It tightened when Kiyoomi's hand brushed against his skin during practice. It tightened whenever Kiyoomi high-fived him after a particularly good set or play. It tightened whenever Kiyoomi looked at him like Atsumu was the only person in the world.
It tightened so much that, at one point, Atsumu felt like he couldn't breathe.
The day it happened, Atsumu had just left Kiyoomi's apartment with a furious blush on his face. Kiyoomi had said goodbye with a soft look on his face, and a caress to Atsumu's blonde locks before putting away some strands that had fallen over his eyes. The blood rushed to Atsumu's cheeks and that made Kiyoomi smile lopsided. He looked so attractive.
Of course, Atsumu bolted, panicked and walked away quickly with a hand on his chest. The pressure was so much that he started coughing after hearing Kiyoomi's door close.
Suddenly, between all of his coughing, Atsumu felt the need to throw up. Before he could stop it, though, something came out of his mouth and the relief was instant but short-lived. The moment Atsumu saw the pinkish petals on the floor mixed up with blood, his heart plummeted to the ground.
Atsumu touched his lips and in the corner he found a droplet of blood.
“Huh,” he mumbled, strangely keeping it together. The shock prevented him from freaking out.
What he had thought to be the rope of his soulbond on his chest, had actually been a disease that he knew little about, since it was so rare for his kind.
The Hanahaki disease was an uncommon sickness that would only manifest in the nonhuman by a very, very interesting phenomenon: a one-sided love. It was morbidly beautiful and poetic, because the victim of the disease would cough up flower petals, their lungs would fill up from them to the point of becoming useless and killing the person. To die for the one you love was romantic to some, and Atsumu was one of them.
Atsumu had heard of it during his childhood, but never actually met someone that had suffered from it.
Of course, there was a cure. Two, actually. One, he could get them removed along his feelings for Kiyoomi. That was an immediate no. His love for Kiyoomi was too great, he couldn't imagine a world where he lacked those feelings. A world where Kiyoomi's laugh doesn't make his heart skip a beat. A world where Kiyoomi's eyes don't spark anything in his soul. A world where Kiyoomi is just one more person in it, instead of being the only person in Atsumu's world. He couldn't give that up. And he wouldn't.
Or two, Kiyoomi returns his feelings. A man could dream.
But dreams and reality were two very different things.
Atsumu was conscious that his hands were tied with this. If he ever thought about telling Kiyoomi he loved him, there was no way he could do it now. Being rejected would worsen his state, and he couldn't think of a more selfish act than to desperately confess his feelings in an attempt to save his own life. If Kiyoomi found out why he was doing it he would probably feel obligated to accept his confession and date him. It was such a horrible manipulating scheme.
The dooming realization that he was bound to die for his love brought him back to reality, and there, a couple of feet away from his soulmate's apartment, Atsumu started crying.
From then on, Atsumu would find himself coughing up a bunch of petals whenever his feelings for Kiyoomi got to him. It was difficult to hide it from people but not impossible.
He shut up about it with his brother, he didn't want Osamu to know he had broken his promise. He would break his brother's heart and he knew Osamu didn't deserve that pain. He was feeling guilty enough knowing that he would eventually hurt Osamu with his death but he was selfish. He didn't want to share the pain and he didn't want to give his brother the opportunity to say goodbye.
Because Osamu wouldn't say goodbye. Osamu would do everything in his power to convince Atsumu to get the surgery. Atsumu wouldn't do it. He was too selfish to let go of Kiyoomi, too. Too fucking selfish that he was ready to die as if no one else mattered.
He got worse very quickly. In the span of a month, Atsumu was throwing up blood and flowers more than twice a day. He could feel the thorns and roots caging his lungs, keeping him in a perpetual state of suffering. Everyone noticed the change. Everyone was worried for him. He wasn't as good at volleyball as he was. Always short of breath and nauseous, coach had decided to bench him from the upcoming matches and even though he was pissed, he couldn't protest against that decision.
He was constantly tired and stopping in the middle of training or practice matches to wheeze and fan himself in a poor attempt to fill his lungs with oxygen. When hanging out with Kiyoomi, more often than not he would end up asleep, and his fox form was becoming a current thing because in that form the disease felt more manageable sometimes. It also felt nice to sleep on Kiyoomi's lap with his fingers carding through his fur in a comforting way. He never noticed the look of concern in Kiyoomi's eyes.
His body was giving up at a rather quick pace. Maybe he didn't want to suffer anymore with the knowledge that Kiyoomi would never be his.
One day, a particularly bad one, Atsumu couldn't keep it in while on his soulmate's apartment and, ignoring Kiyoomi's rant about how annoying Motoya was, he got up from the couch and ran to the bathroom to cough up an exceptionally big amount of petals into the toilet.
Again, morbidly pretty, he thought half-delirious, as the petals floated in the mixture of water and blood. Love was a very weird thing. As beautiful as it was deadly, Atsumu was really to embrace it fully.
However, he forgot he was not alone. When he looked up, he found Kiyoomi looking at him with pure fear in his eyes.
“Wh-what?” Kiyoomi mumbled, his gaze jumping from Atsumu to the petals on the toilet. “What the fuck?”
Atsumu vaguely recounted their first meaningful interaction with those words but when his mind caught up with the situation, he jumped to his feet. Like a wild fox being cornered, Atsumu let his fight or flight instinct take the reins and, almost feral, he managed to get away from Kiyoomi and run away from his place.
He had fucked up. He had fucked up badly.
By the time he got to his apartment, he collapsed on the floor, puking even more blood and flowers. Now, letting them out didn't bring relief, it just hurt and made him want to keep throwing up until there was nothing left from him.
He turned to his fox form and, weakly, he walked to his bed where he laid down, panting. He looked at the wall and realized that he was close to the end. He had, at most, a day or two left. He closed his eyes.
When he opened them again, nothing had changed. He didn't know how much time had passed, and he didn't care. He just had half a mind to distract himself with the thought of Kiyoomi's smile, the bitter feeling of not being selfish enough to make the boy his, settled in his chest.
Atsumu never took himself for a selfless person. But now, as his lungs started to give up under the pressure of those godforsaken roots and flowers, he thought that maybe this was the most selfless thing he could do for someone, for Kiyoomi.
He would die to free him of a contract as eternal as a soulbond was.
Suddenly, though, he heard a door opening and then shutting close. He wasn't even strong enough to lift his snout to peek through the open door of his room. Maybe he was getting robbed. Maybe he was going to get killed before he had the opportunity to die.
“Miya Atsumu you are so fucking selfish,” he heard from the hallway, and then in came Sakusa Kiyoomi. He opened his eyes a little more in surprise, while he kept panting in his place. Kiyoomi looked down at his fox form. That's when Atsumu noticed his red-rimmed eyes and snotty nose. He looked like a mess, and he was so beautiful. “I can't believe you were so ready to die for me with this stupid fucking disease before even giving us an opportunity!”
Atsumu whined lowly in response. His heart beating wildly at the way Kiyoomi started crying and throwing his hands up in the air in desperation.
“Well, guess what? Osamu told me everything and let me tell you– I'm selfish too! And I'm not gonna let you die because I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! You hear me? I love you so much so you better live for me!” Kiyoomi cried, and he kneeled in front of the bed to gently lay his hands on Atsumu's small frame. “Please, don't leave me,” Kiyoomi whispered, getting increasingly nervous as Atsumu's eyes started to shut. “I wanna be your soulmate, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
Just then, Atsumu's eyes closed.
Taking a deep breath, Atsumu stretched on the bed and slowly, he opened his eyes. The sunlight was seeping through the window of the room and falling right onto the sleeping figure next to him. Smiling, he turned to his side. Kiyoomi looked as peaceful as ever.
He was beautiful, and Atsumu was smitten. More than that, he was so utterly in love. But this time it didn't hurt. It felt amazing.
Loving Kiyoomi was so easy. It came as naturally as breathing.
Leaning into his boyfriend's space, Atsumu started leaving a trail of soft, butterfly kisses on Kiyoomi's face in an attempt to wake him up. Eventually, Kiyoomi stirred next to him and Atsumu smiled sweetly before pressing a chaste kiss to his lips.
“Mornin’, gorgeous.”
“Good morning,” Kiyoomi mumbled with a dopey, sleepy smile. Atsumu could kiss him. And he would, because he was selfish. And thank the universe, Kiyoomi was too.