Chapter Text
America had started to feel…off over the past couple of days, something that he knew was linked to the fact that he was so far from home, from his states, from the things that made him feel normal. He felt…distant more often than not, his DID worsening with the stress and making it harder to focus and remember things.
America missed his states a lot. Alabama’s Self-Reliance, Delaware’s Pride, Oregon’s Analytical Mind, Wisconsin’s Friendly Nature, and New Mexico’s Adaptability, those missing lights and feelings within him, he missed dearly.
It wasn’t just the states he missed, but the land itself. The land here soothed that ache little, but it was less alive than his own, less comforting, less…real.
It wasn’t his land. And he needed his land the same way he needed his states.
He was nothing without them. It was a burning, persistent ache that never went away, never calmed, and remained there, hollowing out his chest, dividing himself from himself.
The micronations and cities could feel it, too. This was their land, but a pale imitation of it, something that might temporarily block whatever side effect was coming from being away from their land but wouldn’t hold it off forever.
Not even being in the Land In Between felt like this. Even there, America could feel his land, like a second heartbeat alongside his own.
It was gone, and it hurt.
So, America began to do anything he could to distract himself from the pain.
Starting with figuring out what the hell was wrong with the personifications of this world.
First, no Britain. That was fine. Great, even. It didn’t make sense, but if America had to get help from his abuser’s counterpart, he knew he would be in a worse headspace than he already was. There was no reason why there shouldn’t be a Britain, but they had a system worked out, and if it saved Alfred and the other British colonies from the pain of Britain’s abuse, America couldn’t be happier about it.
The British Isles all being brothers was equally as strange, especially Northern Ireland, who was born so much later, and from what America had gathered after the mother of the British Isles had died, so either family trees were really fucked up here, or the others were lying to Northern Ireland about his parentage.
America elected to stay out of that business. Things involving Northern Ireland and their parents, at least in his world, always had a tendency to get messy.
America would leave that one alone.
There were other strange things he had noticed, like the overabundance of people with blond hair, but the one thing that confused him most of all was Prussia.
Their Prussia was alive. It made no sense. There was no land or people to anchor him, no country to allow him a body, and therefore no way for him to be alive.
It made no sense.
“And even if there were people for him to anchor to, France and USSR were insistent on seeing Prussia dead. Especially France. She was on the warpath. So even if he did survive, why would the others let him live?” James asked. America shrugged.
“I don’t know. They seemed to have had the same Germany since the empire, which is equally as odd, considering…” America trailed off, knowing James would be able to complete the statement.
“Too many live here that would have been killed back home,” Caleb commented, and America could practically hear the wry grin stretching across his face.
“Should we ask Alfred about that?” Mabel suggested, “He would have been involved in many of the events that we know have killed people and might be able to offer a perspective on why the personifications of the Axis powers were allowed to live.”
“I don’t know. He seemed to be friends with this world’s Prussia, and I don’t want to step on any toes,” America said.
“Uh, hi, am I interrupting something?” America then heard Matthew ask from behind him. America turned around, a polite smile on his face.
“No, just talking with the headmates about differences between our worlds,” America explained, fidgeting slightly. He knew they knew about the system, but talking with them and being overheard still made him so nervous after centuries of hiding them out of fear of being killed or put away in an insane asylum.
“About Gilbert being alive here?” Matthew asked. America blinked.
“If Gilbert is Prussia, yes. It seems…odd to me,” America said, trailing off before he really finished the thought. He had stepped on toes bringing up Prussia’s death and didn’t feel like souring relationships.
“If you get a new personification every time there is a new government, I can see why. Gilbert is East Germany now. That’s how he survived,” Matthew explained, causing America’s confusion to grow.
“You still have an East Germany?” America asked. Matthew grimaced.
“Yeah. I should have realized you didn’t. Sorry,” he said. America shrugged.
“It’s okay. But, uh, how does that work?”
“Oh, well, there can be more than one personification for a country sometimes. We have a North and South Italy as well,” Matthew explained. America frowned.
“It seems they are much less willing to kill each other if two countryhumans can exist at the same time with a civil war or internal domestic disputes,” James commented.
“I don’t understand this world,” America eventually said.
“Don’t worry, I don’t either,” Matthew said, smiling slightly as if he was trying to put America at ease. It was working, much to America’s chagrin.
“Hey guys, I was thinking about making pasta for dinner. Does that work for you?” America then heard Alfred ask as his younger counterpart walked into the room.
“Yeah,” America said, stretching slightly. Alfred frowned, turning to Matthew.
“Am I missing something?” he asked.
“Just another conversation about world differences,” Matthew explained, “Based on…well, you know, what we learned at the last world meeting.”
America looked away from Alfred, not wanting to see the look on his counterpart’s face at the reminder.
“Oh, that,” Alfred said, voice tight.
“I’m sorry,” America said. He hadn’t been as involved in Prussia’s death as the others, but he still had a role to play in it, and if it provided Alfred with a sense of comfort, that was good enough for America.
“It’s not your fault. We’re lucky that our Prussia survived. I guess…I guess it hadn’t hit me how lucky we were until I learned your world didn’t have that same luck,” Alfred said.
“Luck then? Were they trying to keep their Prussia alive, then?” Caleb asked, voice confused.
“I mean…” America began, unsure how to word it, “I wouldn’t say we were unlucky.”
“What does that mean?” Matthew asked, a strange look on his face, a look that was mirrored by Alfred. Well, Alfred looked a little bit angrier, but it was close enough.
“I mean that it wasn’t an accident that she died. France and the USSR were on the warpath and wanted Prussia to die like Nazi Germany did. Britain and I agreed, and together, we killed her through Law No. 46 within the ACC. We didn’t murder her by hand, but…we didn’t try to save her. We knew that the law was going to kill her, and we were glad about it. Nazi Germany was dead, and we were going to ensure the other personification we blamed for the war died as well,” America said, eyes fixed on the wall behind them so he didn’t have to look them in the eyes.
“Okay, but that was just a political thing—I… that’s politics and typically spearheaded by humans. You just went along with it, right?” Alfred asked. America shrugged.
“Not when it came to the Empire of Japan,” Mabel said, “Although you would have been justified in killing after what she did to Kentucky.”
“Most political stuff, yes. Some I was more or less involved in, some I wanted dead, and others I wished that there was a way to preserve the life of those who were about to die. It changed based on the situation and circumstances,” America offered.
“Okay, okay,” Alfred said, sounding panicked, “But it’s just political stuff that you’ve been involved with. You haven’t actually killed anyone with your bare hands.”
The question was rhetorical, but that didn’t stop America from flinching anyway, panic growing in his throat.
He hadn’t wanted to kill New England Confederation or New Sweden, but Father didn’t give him a choice, and he made America do it.
He didn’t have a choice. His body was taken from him, and dimly, America realized he was shaking. America tried to push the thoughts of those two from his mind, hearing James whisper gently to him.
“James,
please
,” he whispered, retreating and letting James take control.