Chapter Text
“Hey,” Klaus said before shooting Wade in the head with Wade's own gun.
“Ow!” Wade complained as his head resealed itself.
Klaus giggled. “How come I never get to have a go with your corpse?”
“I'm sorry, love, I just don't die; not even for a little bit.”
“What if I cut your head off?”
“I’d still be able to use both my head and body.”
“What?” Klaus giggled. “That's not how biology works, I think.”
“My regenerative cells are all throughout my body. I'd probably only die from a Thanos snap,” Wade said, and then sat Klaus onto his lap and hugged him around the waist. “Why the sudden need to fuck my corpse, love?”
Klaus shrugged. “Dead guys are cute, when they're not screaming at me.”
“I agree, you're much cuter when you're dead. I should try putting you in a freezer at some point, then I can fuck you cold.”
“That's hot. I mean- whatever the opposite of the temperature hot is.”
“Cold?”
“Yeah.”
“I literally just said ‘cold’ before.”
“Oh,” Klaus looked down.
“You're adorable, I could just eat you.”
Klaus gasped dramatically, turning back to look at Wade. “You should eat me!”
“Ooh, we wanna go down the cannibalism pathway now?”
“Maybe if I eat you you'll die.”
“If you eat me, I will crawl out of your ass.”
“Hot.”
“I'd love to see what kind of meals I can make out of you. Can you believe I've never eaten someone before?”
“I do find that hard to believe.”
“I could make sausage rolls with your cock.”
“Oh, god yes, please do. That's the ultimate way of eating me out.”
“Don't get too excited. This is for my pleasure, not yours.”
“Sorry, daddy.”
“I'm not your daddy.”
“Sorry, master.”
“Better.”
Wade was glad Klaus was finally warming up to him, at least when he was high. Then again, he was always high, and keeping him that way was Wade’s job.
Wade left and returned with a saw. Klaus was sprawled out on the bed eagerly waiting to be chopped up.
“Alright, you little masochist, let’s begin,” Wade said as he sat down on the end of the bed and pressed the saw against Klaus’ arm.
At first, Klaus stared lovingly at Wade as Wade sawed into his arm. Then he hit bone, and Klaus started screaming and cussing. Both their cocks turned rock hard.
Apparently, the cutting was taking too long for Klaus. When Wade was about halfway, Klaus cried and whimpered, “wait- stop- th-that’s too much.”
“Do I fucking look like I care, pussy?” Wade growled at him, continuing to saw.
“Please, please, Wade,” Klaus sobbed.
Even with his dom brain turned on, Wade’s heart twinged. Damnit. He hadn’t caught feelings, had he?
Wade paused. “I know you can take this. Suck it up for a little longer.”
“Just kill me first?”
“I like seeing you in pain.”
“You couldn’t at least start with something smaller? Like my dick?”
“You think that little bundle of nerves would hurt less?” Wade snorted, lightly squeezing Klaus’ balls.
“It’s smaller.”
“It is very small, isn’t it?” Wade smirked, stroking Klaus’ average-sized cock. “Little baby dick.”
Klaus was too upset from the pain and too pale from the blood loss to respond, which was boring. Wade sighed.
He lubricated his fingers from the blood from Klaus’ arms, then stroked Klaus’ length up and down. When it was appropriately bloody, he dipped the tip into his mouth and savoured the metallic taste. As he sucked on Klaus’ cock, he licked up every last drop of blood. Klaus whimpered.
Wade pushed the cock to the back of his throat, and clamped his teeth down around his shaft and balls. He jerked away, ripping it off Klaus’ body, met with a massive pool of blood.
Klaus jumped, yelping, hoisting his upper body up with his arms. “Fucking christ!” His arm bone snapped. He precariously died on top of it.
Wade smiled, pleased with himself. He had turned his lover into a Ken doll. He carefully set the penis aside, then started stroking Klaus’ blue face.
“Oh, darling,” Wade purred. “I’ve never seen you bleed so much.”
He kissed him on his already cold lips, then positioned himself to push himself into the hole where Klaus’ penis used to be. His all-new vagina, just extremely tight. It was very difficult to squeeze himself inside the piss hole, but he kept working at it until Klaus woke up again.
“Oh, okay,” Klaus said, rubbing at where the cut in his arm used to be. “That feels weirdly good. Painful though.”
“And your tiny dick can’t grow back until I pull out.”
Wade managed to squeeze a little of the way in, and he’d already grown so much anticipation that he came in a burst of pleasure. He slipped out, Klaus dripping with cum as his body slowly rebuilt itself.
“Oops, I forgot protection,” Wade said. “I hope you don’t get pregnant. That might be hot though.”
Klaus blushed. Blood had clearly returned to him.
“Here’s your reward for being such a good boy,” Wade passed Klaus a few oxys, which he eagerly swallowed.
Wade picked up Klaus’ old dick and led him to the kitchen.
He washed the penis. “Thank god you shave yourself down there,” Wade said, cutting the hairless balls off and splitting them in two.
“Even as a sex slave, I can’t give up my twink status,” Klaus shrugged, seemingly unbothered by what he was seeing in front of him.
“Would you heat some oil in a pan, love?” Wade asked as he rolled the penis up in a sheet of puff pastry.
Klaus did as he was told.
“Do you still have my cum?” Wade asked.
Klaus scooped some cum off the end of his current dick, which had partially stayed there as his penis had regrown.
“Little bit?” Klaus wiped it off onto the pastry.
Wade lubricated the pastry with the cum. “Hm, not enough.”
He cut open the balls and extracted the semen, brushing that along the rest of the pastry. He poured bread crumbs into a bowl, dipped the balls in the rest of the semen, then into the crumbs.
He put the cock roll in the oven, and the balls in the pan with the oil.
Soon, they each had a plate of half a roll and a ball.
“You can have the first taste, my love,” Wade offered with a smile.
Klaus stared at his plate with wide eyes. He gagged. “This is… this is better in my fantasies… I’m gonna need a drink.”
“It won’t mix with the pills I gave you,” Wade said as he passed Klaus a whole bottle of gin.
“These pills aren't doing jackshit.”
Klaus gulped down half the bottle. Wade watched, anticipating his later overdose. Klaus was so willing to kill himself in that way, and it was always hot.
With wide eyes, Klaus took a small bite of his own penis.
He chewed slowly, swallowed.
“Interesting taste. Like pork,” Klaus commented.
“Do you like it?” Wade asked.
“I've definitely had a lot worse.”
He continued eating, so Wade started on his own half.
He savoured the taste of his lover's privates.
“Fuck, you taste good,” Wade said. “Really should have put some seasoning with it or something though.”
“Some salad.”
“Yeah. Next time, eh?”
Klaus suddenly looked miserable. “You wanna do this again?”
“Of course. I'm going to kill you over and over and over again,” Wade said slowly. “And each time I'll take another body part from you and cook it.”
Wade enveloped his hand around Klaus’ semi-hard cock.
“You like the sound of that, you needy slut?” Wade teased.
Klaus chugged the rest of the gin.
“My little junkie,” Wade smiled.
He sat on Klaus' lap, legs against Klaus' hips, their crotches pressing together. He brushed his hands over Klaus’ cheeks.
“Do you want another bottle?” Wade asked.
Klaus nodded slightly, head rolling back to rest in Wade's hands.
Klaus had absolutely no limits when it came to substances, and Wade loved that.
Wade slid off Klaus' crotch. He got another bottle of alcohol, and held it to his lover's mouth as he sat back down. Klaus swallowed every last drop like a good boy.
“How are you doing?” Wade asked gently.
Klaus groaned in response.
“Oops, was that too much?” Wade smirked.
Klaus gasped for breath. He retched and threw up. He passed out as his lips turned blue.
Wade kept his finger on Klaus' pulse. He revelled in the way it slowed down and eventually stopped completely.
“Ah, my darling, one day you'll learn your lesson,” Wade said as he laid Klaus' body into a good position.
He was about to fuck Klaus right there, but then he had an idea.
He dragged the body over to the freezer. He realised their freezer was too small.
He got the saw he'd been using to cut Klaus' arm off, and sawed through Klaus' waist.
“I promise I'll get a bigger freezer eventually,” Wade said, completely splattered with blood.
Once Klaus was chopped into decent chunks, Wade shoved him into the freezer.
In a way, Wade was edging himself. He was so horny he was going to get blue balls, but good things like cold ass took patience for best results.
“Tomorrow we'll be answering the age-old question: which part will you grow back from?” Wade said to his audience before closing the freezer.