Chapter Text
Some guy named ‘Klaus Hargreeves’ was going to fuck up the timeline, so it was Wade’s job to kill him.
Wade travelled to 2018 and easily found Klaus leaving a nightclub, clearly high. Wade was honestly a little disappointed because this guy was so sexy , and he wished he didn't have to dispose of him, at least not before getting to know him a little. But alas, no time could be wasted or else the Sacred Timeline would be breached. Or whatever it was called. Wade couldn't remember if he was in the Marvel universe or the Umbrella Academy universe.
He stalked him until Klaus turned into an alleyway. All alone. Like he was asking to be murdered.
Wade wasted no time and shot Klaus in the head with his silenced gun.
And then… Wade was supposed to burn and dispose of the body, but there was a sexy body right there and it was still warm…
Wade walked over to the body and turned him over. The hot thing was, until Klaus rotted away, he'd remain as this moment in time, like a photograph. Eyes open, mouth slightly agape. Never to breathe again, never to have a heartbeat again. Dead at such an attractive age to remain that way until the worms ate him.
There was even a clean hole through his forehead. Blood started to rush to Wade’s dick at the opportunity for all of his dreams to come true.
He made sure no one was walking past the alleyway, dragged the body behind a dumpster, and opened up the penis hole in his jumpsuit.
He rubbed his cock as he leaned down to stick it into Klaus' skull, but it didn't fit… He really needed to use thicker bullets. But at least the body had other holes too.
Wade pulled down Klaus’ pants, and was pleasantly surprised to find he had maintained an erection, which was apparently possible but a rarity to be caused by gunshots to the head, which just made Wade feel like a very lucky guy. He gave the body’s dick a little stroke, and some groaning came out of Klaus’ mouth. Fuck, it was hot when corpses made noises. He would make use of the penis once he'd made use of the ass.
Wade always kept lube handy, so he lathered his fingers with some and stuck them inside the body’s warm opening. Once he was nice and wet and stretched, Wade lined up his dick and then pushed it in easily. It felt so good. This guy was so pretty and even his deceased ass was so willing. Too bad Wade couldn't keep using him forever.
He was just starting to speed up his thrusts when he heard a groan that distinctly said, “oh fuck, not this shit again.”
Wade looked up and saw that Klaus had lifted his head up, and the bullet hole was magically gone.
“I mean, hi daddy, having fun?” Klaus winked.
Wade immediately pulled out, but when Klaus tried to scoot away, Wade held down his legs.
“What the fuck? How are you not dead?” Wade asked.
“What, did you think your roofie would kill me? I'm probably immune.”
“Not immune to bullets. I shot you in the head.”
Klaus patted his head and face, he got a bit of blood on his fingers and licked it. “Are you sure about that? I don’t feel any bullet holes.”
Without hesitation, Wade shot Klaus in the heart this time, and he fell limp.
“Hm,” Wade said as he wiggled his finger into Klaus' bleeding heart. “Maybe I hallucinated the head wound.”
Wade went back to fucking the corpse, and he was so, so close when Klaus poked his head up again.
“Did you shoot me?!” Klaus yelled.
Wade covered Klaus’ mouth with his hands as he came inside him with a long moan. Klaus whimpered under Wade’s hand.
When Wade released him, Klaus shouted again, “did you shoot me?!”
“Shut up,” Wade hissed, putting his hands back on Klaus' mouth. “You're immortal.”
Klaus creased his brow and tried to say something.
“ Don't scream ,” Wade said, and then carefully lifted his hands away.
“There's no way I'm immortal,” Klaus said. “I'm just… unlucky. I'm like a cat. None of my suicide attempts work.”
“Oh, I wonder why. Maybe it's because you're immortal, idiot.”
“Oh… Maybe… I guess that makes sense…”
“And I'm immortal too,” Wade said before opening his mouth and shooting himself. “See?”
“How are you not even a little bit dead?”
Wade shrugged as he felt his brain rebuild itself. “I’m too sexy to die.”
“Immortality aside, why the fuck did you kill me?”
“I’m a mercenary. Wait, no, I’m a Commission agent. And you’re going to fuck up the timeline, so I had to remove you.”
“Ah-huh, ah-huh. So you’re not just a necrophile?”
“Yeah, not just a necrophile, also a murderer.”
“Right, please ignore my, ah, erection right now. Can I go?”
Wade looked down at Klaus’ cock, which was much harder than it had been when he was dead.
“I can’t let you go blue-balled.”
“You fucking murdered and raped me, I think I should handle my own penis, thank you very much.”
“I’m not allowed to just let you go. So, here’s a deal: either I lock you up at the Commission and keep experimenting until I work out how to kill you, or we run away together and you can be my cum sock.”
“I vote I run away on my own.”
“I have cocaine.”
“What?” Klaus asked, but Wade didn’t miss the way his eyes lit up.
“I’ll give you free coke if you become my sex slave.”
“I- Yeah, sure, why not. Nothing new for me.”
“Awesome,” Wade said, and then helped Klaus up. “Hey, sorry for murdering and raping you. It will happen again.”
“It’s fine,” Klaus sighed, but the veins in his dick were throbbing.
“Now, about those balls of yours,” Wade said before getting to his knees, lifting up his mask slightly, and taking Klaus’ cock in his mouth.
“Oh, fuck ,” Klaus moaned, hands landing on Wade’s shoulders to keep his balance.
Wade licked along Klaus’ veins, he deepthroated the long length and only gagged a little, and he thrusted in and out for the poor boy who was too weak from stimulation to thrust himself.
Warm semen soon flooded Wade's mouth, and he spit it out onto the ground.
“Clean up your own cum,” he ordered.
Klaus glanced down at it. “Ew.”
Wade grabbed Klaus' face and said in an infantilising voice, “aw, can the little baby not handle eating something that was already inside it in the first place?”
“It's on the ground.”
“Your breakfast came out of a dumpster this morning.”
“How did you know that?”
“I know everything,” Wade said darkly, then let Klaus’ face go. “Now, get on your hands and knees and clean up your mess, slut.”
Klaus did as he was told. It was so cute watching him lick it up like a little puppy.
Klaus stood up when he was finished. “Are we done? Can I have my coke now?”
Wade stroked Klaus' cheek. So soft. “One day you'll love me, right?”
“I don't even know what you look like. Will you take off your mask?”
Wade frowned. He didn't want to end what miniscule attraction Klaus might currently have to Wade.
“Why do you want me to, love?”
“So I can report you to the police when I inevitably escape.”
“I do love a little brat,” Wade booped Klaus' nose. “But remember: you can't make me do anything, and you are never leaving my sight ever again.”
“I'm like a cat, remember? I can escape anything.”
“Klaus, honey, it'll do you no good to overestimate yourself.”
“ And you know my name? I can't love you if I can't personalise you in my head. I need a face, and I need a name. Please.”
“Fine. My name is Deadpool.”
“I’m not calling you ‘Deadpool’, what kind of name is that?”
“Wade, then.”
“And your face?”
Wade sighed, hesitated a few moments, then took off his mask to reveal his hairless, very heavily scarred face.
“Christ on a cracker, what happened to you?” Klaus exclaimed.
“Cancer. That's how I became immortal. Or maybe I was an October first kid. Who really knows at this point.”
“You were born on October first 1989 too?”
Wade shrugged. “I don't know. I don't even know if this is canon! It doesn't matter. Let's go get high.”
***
Wade and Klaus were hiding out in an abandoned house. Wade had destroyed the Commission’s tracker in his arm, and he had tried to set up a security system for their house, which was essentially: if anyone gets too close, kill them. Except of course those delivering their regularly scheduled drugs and groceries.
Klaus didn’t love him yet, but he did love being a sub. He seemed to not care that he would never see the outside world again or that Wade would sometimes murder him, so long as he got a cock in his mouth and some drugs up his nose. He was such a cute junkie slut.
It was your average Tuesday afternoon with Klaus laying dead on the bed with a slashed throat. Wade was carving art onto Klaus' body, but the wounds always completely disappeared later, which sucked. But a bloody corpse was much prettier and made Wade cum harder.
And, why use lube, when blood was just as effective? Wade moved his knife down into Klaus' asshole and twirled it around. Klaus would definitely be enjoying this if he was alive, the little masochist. But instead this was a game only for Wade's enjoyment, and his toy would never know what happened, which just turned Wade on more.
Wade slipped the knife out again and oozing blood followed.
He stuffed his dick inside the bleeding hole, immediately making him moan. Then he lathered his hands with the blood from the carvings on Klaus' stomach and painted Klaus' cock. He took the cock in his mouth as he continued to thrust inside the body. Klaus couldn't get hard, but floppy dicks were cute too.
Blood tasted so good, and Wade was sucking so hard, trying to coax out any cum at all.
Tension was building, building, building in Wade's own crotch. He was panting, mouth dripping with blood.
Then Klaus snapped his head up, and most of the arousal dissipated and was replaced with disappointment.
“Wow, that's a lot of blood you've got there,” Klaus said.
“Fucking hell,” Wade groaned. “Can you get my gun? On the bedside table right there?”
Klaus leaned over and grabbed Wade's gun, but he didn't pass it to Wade, instead he shot himself in the head, spraying brains to the side.
Seeing his lover kill himself was all Wade needed to cum inside him with a deep moan.
He climbed up onto the bed with Klaus and cuddled up with the body. Skin-on-skin contact, with sticky blood between them.
A few minutes later, Klaus awoke again.
“Hey,” Wade said flirtatiously, like a normal person says to their partner when they've just woken up from a nap.
“You're done?” Klaus asked. “Can I go have a bath?”
“Aw, but you're so pretty covered in blood. You should cut yourself just for me.”
“I thought killing myself was good enough.”
“Oh, that was so hot, thank you,” Wade said before grabbing Klaus' chin and kissing him on the lips. “But, y’know, I don't always want you dead, I just want you a little bloody.”
“I'll think about it.”
“Good boy,” Wade said, tracing his fingers around Klaus' face, that lit up at the praise. “Hey, I was wondering, how come you always come back to life at different times? I can kill you in exactly the same way and you either take a few minutes or an hour to come back. What's up with that, eh?”
“I don't really know. I pretty much stay until she's had enough and kicks me back into my body.”
“ She ? I didn't realise she was a she. Fun!”
“Who are you talking about?”
“Whoever is writing this.”
“Huh? No, I'm talking about a little girl on a bike who I think is God.”
“God, writer, same thing. Anyway, interesting, God just kicks you out whenever she feels like it?”
“Yeah, she kinda hates me. She’s always right there as soon as I die to tell me that. But she keeps telling me to get away from you so I don't keep coming back to her. Nothing about you being abusive or anything though.”
“Hey! What have I told you about the A word?”
“Sorry for truthfully labelling your actions.”
Wade climbed on top of Klaus, sitting on his chest, knees planted beside his body, and tightly clasped his hands around his neck.
“This isn't abuse. You want this, remember? Otherwise you're never having sex or drugs again.”
“Fine,” Klaus said through chokes. “I'm sorry.”
“You're sorry what ?”
“I'm sorry, master.”
“Good boy,” Wade said as he released his hands. “You get a treat.” He reached for the baggie of ecstasy in the drawer and slipped a pill onto Klaus' tongue, which he obediently swallowed.
“Next time you see God,” Wade began as he combed his fingers through Klaus' hair, “could you please tell her to wait until I'm finished? It's a bit of a cock block when you come back to life too soon.”
“I can try to convince her.”
“That's all I ask,” Wade said, giving Klaus a peck on the lips.