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There were two variables leading to a conclusion that Jay had absolutely loathed. The first one being the full resignation on Yoohan's face before he jumped to his death in the movie he'd starred in. The second one was knowing how he was able to pick up his call and answer him, but deciding not to and pushing it away.
Jay was a man with little troubles in life. When he'd decided to do something, he would see it until the very end. He'd wanted Yoohan to be his in any way possible, and thus dealing with his troublesome guilt was his first priority. He'd paid special attention towards Yoohan, ensure he would only push as far as he could without making Yoohan disappear into thin air again. And he'd thought it worked; after all, Yoohan had willingly submitted his heart and body to him.
Yet, here he was, waiting for him outside of the operating room. His guts churned with a combination of concern and anger. Concerned that Yoohan would leave him behind. Angry that he was so quick to give up, when he hadn't even exacted his revenge towards Myung-shin. Jay had been so kind to spare him in his own plan against the bastard old man sponsoring him too— all because Yoohan had asked him to, and partly because it would lend him more time to consider living longer.
Jay raked fingers across his hair, letting it fall over his forehead. For the first time in a while, he felt restless. Powerless, in his inability to strip that guilt away from Yoohan and in his failure to keep a better track on him. He should have stormed all of those hideouts and flush them all out, consequences be damned. There would be other ways to cut off rotten branches from the tree that had formed Dream Entertainment.
What the hell should I have done?
He had hoped Yoohan would finally move on after reading that line from the script he'd approved himself, but it only worked to a certain degree. Dark thoughts swirled inside him at the missed chances he should have taken. I should have keep him with me. Chain him up so he can't go anywhere, so he'll only stay home where I can see him. And if he tries to run away, I'll break those legs so he'll know better. If he tries to punch me, I'll —
The door to the operating room swung open, and the doctor-in-charge walked out with two nurses trailing behind him. Jay remained seated at his spot, merely glancing up at them for the result. The hospital was affiliated with the company, so most of the staff working there should know better than to get on his bad side. If they'd failed, he would make sure they'd never recover from it.
"He's in a stable condition now. The knife narrowly missed his vital organs." The doctor quickly told him after assessing the dark look on his face. "We'll move him to the intensive care unit soon, so if you could sign the papers for that..."
One of the nurses frowned at this. "Um, sir, aren't family members only allowed to sign them...?"
Her co-worker beside her elbowed her so hard she stumbled, before grabbing on her arm and whispered harshly into her ear, wisely not making eye contact with Jay. The doctor cleared his throat and subtly moved to cover them. "My apologies, she's a new trainee. We'll have the papers printed out for you at the counter, so if you'll please follow me..."
Jay waited until they turned around a corner with no one else to ask, "Where's the knife?"
The doctor slid a wary look at him, no doubt catching onto his intention. "The hospital will keep hold of it and hand it over to the police if necessary."
Silence stretched between them, with the doctor's implicit warning hanging in the air. Jay ignored it completely. "I'll pick it up later. The police won't get involved in this."
As if he would ever let Yoohan stray away from him. If the police decided to open an investigation, Yoohan's past would be made public and destroy his career, one of the things that had buoyed his measly desire to live. It was the only thing that connected them together since the beginning— and Jay would destroy anyone trying to get in his way.
The doctor let out a small sigh and nodded. "I understand. I'll let the other staff know regarding this matter as well."
He went to get the knife from the doctor after signing the papers. It was secured in a zip-lock bag, with the blood on its blade now turning rusty brown. The doctor told him not to do anything foolish within the hospital's vicinity, but a plan was already forming at the back of his mind.
That nurse had said that family members were the only people authorized to make decisions involving an incapacitated patient. What a fucking joke— Yoohan had lost his family and still blaming himself for it, for some reason.
So what if his younger brother had died as an indirect result of his actions? The kid had come up to him first asking for money for their sick mother. He was basically begging to be killed, what with Yoohan's line of work. The guilt that had wrecked Yoohan for years was incomprehensible to Jay, who was used to stabbing his own family in order to reach the very top— with his very own hands, and he didn't feel the slightest guilt by his actions.
He walked towards the room Yoohan was located in, running a finger on the knife in his pocket. He would never understand the burden of guilt Yoohan had carried, but the pain he had felt when looking at him bloodied and crumpled on the floor was real. The pain that deepened at the realization that Yoohan would not change his mind, no matter what Jay did. He would never stop feeling guilty. He would never forget what he had done.
He would never forget that if provided the chance to die, he would gladly take it.
Jay stepped into the room and towered over Yoohan, tucked inside a blanket and looking peaceful in his sleep. Would he regret being alive when he woke up? Would he blame Jay for saving him, telling him You should have let me die?
Absolutely not. He would not allow Yoohan to entertain such thoughts. He sat on the chair right next to the bed, taking out the knife and cleaning it deftly with wet tissues he'd retrieved from the bedside table. It glinted off the bright lights overhead as Jay turned it around in his hands.
Yoohan felt so much guilt at witnessing his brother's death inflicted by someone else. So much that it was as if he was the one who'd buried that knife into his brother himself. Jay took his limp right hand out and curled the knife within his fingers and holding on so it wouldn't fall. Yoohan didn't stir and slept on, oblivious.
"Yoohan." Jay said softly, bringing his hand up to his lips, kissing his roughened knuckles one by one. "If I let you kill me, will it make you feel more guilty to die?"