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Voller shook his head. He couldn't deal with this right now. He couldn't. "Cut the theatrics, Klaber. Please."
"I mean all of it, boss. All of it."
Voller still refused to meet Klaber's eyes. He feared what he might see there. He feared it would persuade his weak heart into something illogical once again; that he would put them both in danger. Instead, he raised his hands to Klaber's shoulders and pushed him back. The touch of Klaber's bare skin under his palms left his own skin burning, and trying to fight with his mind and prevent it from reminding him how it felt when they were chest to chest, how it felt when Klaber filled him and held him in his arms, Voller reached for his coat.
A panicked sob was the only warning he got before Klaber grasped his wrist to stop him in his tracks. Yet, the gesture was so abrupt and unexpected it frightened him, anyway, chilled every bone in his body to its marrow. The audacity. His top lip curled up into a snarl. "Step. Away from me. Don't ever do this again."
Klaber put his hand away immediately, head bowed apologetically, not even daring to continue talking. And Voller wanted to break something. He desperately wanted to scream. It was all building up in his chest too fast, too much...
He left.
He could barely walk. Not only because his body ached, from exhaustion, exertion when letting Klaber inside, but because his stomach was heavy as well, for his mind couldn't rest; Klaber's words kept repeating in his head, alongside his name, his first name, breathy and rushed and urgent in Klaber's voice. But he needed to get some fresh air.
As he walked outside, it was dark and rain was falling down, and Voller just wished it could wash away all the overwhelming pain.
He didn't know where he was going, probably just around the block, and, hopefully, Klaber wouldn't be in his room anymore once he got back. He needed to clear his thoughts. Had he not run, he might have said something he wouldn't have been able to take back. He didn't want that; to torture them both again.
Because Klaber was an essential part of his plan. They would soon reach the Rubicon, and Klaber would be the one to help him cross it. There was no reason to risk all they could have, and would have, one day, Voller knew that much, for having a chance in a world where people like them didn't belong. Yes, the timeline was unjust, but there was nothing either of them could do about it right now but try to blend into society.
He had no idea where he would look for such a loyal follower, so devoted to his cause, to him, if Klaber decided to leave. He could be repeating he would stay with him until the end, but he was also reckless, too impulsive. Voller had seen it. And he had told Klaber as much; that he didn't know if he believed him. He might have phrased this wrong, or at least should have added something. Maybe it wouldn't have broken Klaber into tears, then. But he had panicked, for nobody could predict the future, not even his beloved science; at least not yet. And Voller realised all too well that opening up to someone, to Klaber, in the way Klaber expected him to, would only end in him getting shattered into pieces. He would be so stupid for believing otherwise, especially since he knew that, this time, the damage would be permanent. Not getting involved was safer.
But the thing was, he had already got involved, hadn't he? By not pushing Klaber away faster when he kissed him. By letting Klaber in his room after telling him to leave. By falling into bed with him. By allowing Klaber to use his first name, moan it repeatedly and give them both the illusion of intimacy. Voller shivered. It was as if he himself had handed Klaber some kind of a weapon; a sharp, double-edged sword, intending to wound. What did Klaber see in him, anyway, to desire him like that?...
The wind around picked up. It was getting colder.
"Boss!"
For a brief moment, Voller contemplated just continuing walking; he still wasn't ready to deal with this. But they were in public; they couldn't make a scene. He sighed and stopped. As Klaber caught up with him, Voller took a step back from him pre-emptively. Even over the heavy rain, and droplets on his glasses, the hurt, the sadness in Klaber's eyes, was apparent.
"Boss, please... Come back inside?" His voice was trembling with emotion. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't've grabbed you like that. Please, we have to talk. Or... or you can talk and I'll just listen. Scream at me if you want. Just, please, don't stay here in this weather."
Only now did Voller fully noted Klaber's appearance; he looked indecent. Barely dressed, his shirt partly tucked in his pants, partly left hanging outside. And unlike him, Klaber didn't even have a coat or a jacket on. He was wet, water dripping from his hair, his blue eyes glassy. And although Klaber was taller than him, he appeared so small now, like a lost puppy at his feet... Voller felt guilty. He should have never allowed him to reach this point of desperation in the first place; never should have let Klaber get so attached to him.
"We have nothing to talk about, Klaber. It was a mistake that mustn't happen again."
"What was a mistake?"
"All of this." Voller gestured around, trying to keep the bitterness from his voice. "This-- you--"
But then he quickly bit the inside of his cheek. You and me. He couldn't possibly say this out loud; not even when there was nobody else but them. One had to be careful all the time. A momentary lapse of judgment, just one slip of the tongue was all it would take. Nobody was safe.
An expression of utter devastation reflected on Klaber's features, then. His voice cracked. "I'm a mistake?"
Voller's eyes widened. The hollow coldness opening in his chest at the sight of Klaber before him made him want to scream. The intensity of it terrified him.
"No..." he whispered into the loud rain, and steam came from his mouth as he did so. It was as if some kind of a barrier had been created between them at that very moment. He had never wanted this; that's why he ran away. He was only trying to protect Klaber from himself. Why couldn't Klaber make it easier for him? Why couldn't he see?...
"Just leave me, Klaber."
Everybody else would have already left a long time ago. There was a reason for it. Yet, somehow, Klaber was still here with him, and shaking his head now, the movement desperate. "Boss, you don't… you don't mean that. I know you don't. Please, don't push me away..."
Klaber took a step closer, just a small one, but Voller backed away, anyway; promptly, instinctively, as if just Klaber's presence would burn his flesh alive.
"Why can't you obey a simple order? I said leave me."
"... Because there is nothing you could do that would make me leave, boss..." Klaber whispered, barely audible. "I don't care how long it takes. I know I can prove it to you one day..."
And this confession, so frank in its entirety, sank like a knife right between his third and fourth ribs. And Voller realised it was never about whether he believed Klaber's words. He could believe them however he wanted. He just didn't deserve them.
Voller took a deep breath to steady himself. Then shook his head. As he finally spoke, his eyes were blank.
"You know nothing."