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Summary:

Lexi has had feelings for Ethan ever since he moved to East Highland. But when he falls in love with her popular older sister, she decides that the only way to get over a heartbreaking crush is to get under someone new.

Enter Ethan’s other best friend, Fezco.

Notes:

Shout out to dearest Aurora, who read this chapter and was so sweet and reassuring when I was breaking down over it.

Thank you to all the discord girlies who also helped get me through my mental block and just post this.

Also, this first chapter has a scene inspired by a similar one in the movie, The Edge of Seventeen. Y'all should check it out, it's one of the best coming of age films out there.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter Text

The fluorescent lights are screaming into Lexi’s brain, pulsating with a shallow sticky hum that makes her brain feel like throbbing pudding.  She lifts her head from where it’s pressed into the cool linoleum — immediately regrets it. Nausea swells in her stomach as she lays back down, clenching her teeth to stop the spill.

Flashes of last night come back in blurry images. Cassie, Maddie, along with most of the East Highland cheerleaders dancing, grinding on the back porch. Hot tub bubbling, sloshing water from the teenagers climbing in and out. Alcohol, so much alcohol. Too much. And Ethan. Holding her hair as she hunches over the toilet, rubbing circles on her back as she heaves and cries. 

Now she lays on the bathroom floor in last night's outfit and makeup, feeling sicker by the minute. Ethan’s seen her drunk before, but last night she’d been so sloppy

Lexi groans, embarrassed. She wants to keep lying on the floor until she becomes one with the cool surface. She wants to be in bed, but the effort it feels like it would take is insurmountable in her condition. She tries to breathe through the agony in her head. 

Suze was gone for the morning, not getting back from her fancy LA boyfriend’s house until after dinner. Which meant that it would be a few hours before Cassie started hounding Lexi to help clean up from the party she’d thrown while Suze was gone.

Ethan had been the only person Lexi had really known last night, besides Maddy and Kat. But Kat spent most of the night flirting with basketball players from Central High, and Maddy had been too busy reigning over the party as queen bee (currently in an “off” period of the constant on/off relationship she had with East Highland’s resident asshole, Nate Jacobs), to offer more than a quick kiss on the cheek to Lexi, screaming “Miss you, bitch! I never see you anymore, Little Howard!” as she sweeps by Lexi in the kitchen.

Cassie, of course, wouldn’t deign to hang out with Lexi during a social event, even if they both hadn’t been seething with anger at each other over the fight they’d had right as Cassie’s friends started showing up. Suze leaving the house to the girls for the night included making them promise specifically to not party.

“I know that you’ll probably invite your friends over — please, please, just keep it to a few people. Four max.” She’d said, looking between the two of them, “I’m trusting you both.”

Ethan had come over when Lexi texted. They had notes from their drama production to work on, as well as a grainy video of a West End production of The Tempest to view. It was dorky, sure. She couldn’t deny it when Cassie snorted it under her breath — but who cared? Lexi liked spending her Friday night with her best friend and a movie. Plus, theater was something that she and Ethan had bonded over as freshmen, something she still used to keep their friendship close.

The last thing she wanted was to have her Friday night plans with Ethan interrupted by pounding hip hop music blaring through the floor of her bedroom. 

She and Cassie had fought, Lexi telling Cassie she needed to turn down the music and get rid of the huge crowd of teenagers. Cassie telling Lexi she needed to stop being such a loser and get over herself. They’d yelled, name calling and bitter insults flying until Lexi had stalked off to throw herself on the couch in the living room, trying to fight back tears. Ethan had followed her. 

“Are you okay?” 

Lexi had nodded, trying to force a smile. She was embarrassed — it’s so immature, fighting with your big sister and then crying about it when she hurt your feelings.

“I’m so sorry about her,” she told him, “You still want to watch the movie?”

“How about,”  Ethan had suggested, “we hang out down here for a bit?”

She’d agreed, hiding her reluctance, not wanting to slink back upstairs like an outcast, not after Cassie had basically yelled the accusation at her in front of Ethan. 

She’d stuck close with him, her natural instinct to do her best impression of a potted plant urging her to find a corner and hide. Trying to loosen up, not act like such a loser, Lexi had taken all the shots of nasty tasting, candy colored liquids that had been pressed into her hand. 

“You okay?” Ethan had leaned down to look in her eyes, hand holding her steady. He takes such good care of her, she thinks, dizzily, trying to stop the room from spinning, to put Ethan back together into a single image in front of her. She’s pretty sure no one has taken such good care of her, ever. She’s so drunk.

He’d had to practically carry her upstairs, walking her into the bathroom with an arm around her waist. 

Pretty much all of the night was hazy, except for Ethan. His arm around her, holding her steady, stroking her hair on the bathroom floor… 

Lexi sighs. Rolls over and pushes herself to her hands and knees with a groan. 

Oh, god. 

I’m never drinking again.

She crawls forward through the bathroom, unable to gather the energy to stand. She grasps the doorknob and swings the door open into the room she shares with Cassie. She continues forward gingerly, trying not to cause any sudden lurches in her stomach. She’s only a few feet into the room, when a soft noise causes her to stop — look up. 

Cassie is in her bed, smiling softly down at — at — Lexi’s  hungover brain blanks at the image  she’s looking at. Cassie’s leaning over a shirtless Ethan, hand tucked under the sheets, right below his waist. Moving rapidly. She’s giggling as Ethan groans, leans forward to kiss her — 

Lexi’s stomach does what it’s been threatening to do all morning. “Oh, fuck!” She’s fumbling, grabbing at Cassie’s wicker waste basket and then she’s vomiting, heaving up everything that she had left.

*** 

“I don’t really know what to say,” Ethan’s sitting next to Lexi on the curb. Staring at his dirty, untied laces, Lexi thinks she’s going to hurl again. “We started just talking after everyone else left and —“ He shakes his head. “It just kinda happened.”

Lexi doesn’t say anything, just keeps replaying the image of Cassie and Ethan in bed together in her head over and over again. I’m gonna be sick. 

Ethan and Cassie

“Do you like her?” She hates how small the question comes out, how small she feels. 

Ethan’s quiet for a second, and hope spikes in her chest — 

“She’s nice.” Ethan says, his voice is taking on a tender tone she’s never heard from him before. “And sweet.” 

Lexi’s heart crumples. “But —“ She blinks at the pavement, trying to keep her eyes from watering. 

She thinks back, the years they’d been friends. The late night phone calls, spilling secrets and sharing dreams, Ethan reaching for her hand in the darkened movie theater, dancing with her at Homecoming, the Winter Formal, the Valentine’s Day Ball. Keeping her company when her parents fought and her dad left and through every lonely party. 

He’d been her first kiss — after an embarrassed confession that she was nervous over not knowing how. She remembers that afternoon, where they’d sat on the couch of her bedroom. They were fourteen, pressing awkward kisses against each other’s mouths, blushing and grinning as Lexi figured out the basics. Both of them, too shy to bring it up afterwards, pretending like nothing had changed between them. A year later, they’d been cast as romantic leads in the Spring play, another handful of kisses, both onstage and in “practice,” each one cemented in Lexi’s memories as precious and special. 

She pushes herself up, swallowing hard. “I have to go,” she chokes out, turning to head back inside. 

“Lexi!” Ethan calls after her. But he doesn’t follow, just lets her run across the lawn, back into her mom’s house, watching her leave. 

***

Ethan texts her a few times, but Lexi can’t do more than give his messages a little thumbs up. By Monday, it’s officially the longest Lexi has gone without talking to him since they became friends. 

She and Cassie haven’t spoken either, but that’s less unusual. The silent treatment is a common weapon in the Howard household, although it normally follows epic-level screaming matches. Lexi’s afraid to say anything to her sister, terrified that the feelings she’s always kept tightly knit under her ribs will come bubbling out if she tries. She’s a little hurt at how quickly Cassie accepts her silence, ignoring her right back.

On Monday, she hovers by her locker, spying as Ethan and Cassie talk outside of the Chemistry classroom, Ethan gazing down at her sister with an expression on his face that makes Lexi’s stomach hurt. 

“Ethan!” She calls out, as Cassie walks into her class and Ethan turns to leave, unable to stop herself. He pauses, looking back, surprised to see Lexi lurking.  

“Lex, hey…” he approaches her slowly. Lexi watches his face, trying to read his expression. 

“What’s up?” Lexi asks. It comes out more pained than she wanted it to, sharp and hurt. Ethan looks wary, almost nervous. He looks back at the doorway where he’d just been standing. “Nothing. I, uh, Cassie asked me if I wanted to grab lunch together.” He says. 

“Oh.” Lexi swallows. “What did you say?”

Ethan glances down, then shrugs. “It’s just lunch.”

Lexi spins around to face her locker. She digs inside blindly, pretending to look for something. “Okay.”

“Lexi..” 

“No, it’s fine.” 

Ethan sighs. “Lexi, I don’t want to do anything if it’s gonna upset you..”

Lexi pulls her head out of her locker, looking over her shoulder at him. 

He continues. “And I won’t. If you really have a problem with me and Cassie. ”

Lexi bites the inside of her cheek until she thinks she can taste blood. Me and Cassie

“So, you do like her?” She knows she sounds pathetic. But she can’t stop herself. 

Ethan’s looking at her. His eyes are full of pity. Like he knows — knows how Lexi felt about him, what she’s been hoping for…

“Kind of…yeah, I do.”

“Oh…” Lexi says again. She feels like the ground is swaying slightly under her. 

“Like I said, if you really have a problem with it…” His voice trails off and what is Lexi supposed to say? “No, I have a problem. Don’t date her.” Why? Yeah, her sister is a little mean to her, makes her feel small and insignificant, but really, that’s not it. She’d be insane to voice the real reason now, to tell him how she’s felt about him since she was fourteen. Now that he has a shot with perfect Cassie, Lexi would be an idiot to ever pit herself against her sister. If Ethan ever compared her to her Cassie in his head, Lexi would die. 

“‘M fine,” she finally mumbles, shutting the door of her locker. 

“You sure?” Ethan looks down at her, worried. He seems torn, hesitating, looking between her eyes. Her eyes drop, but she forces them back up as she shifts her books between her arms. 

“I mean, I don’t really see why not. It’s not my business who you date. Or her.”

Ethan’s still frowning, he seems to be turning something over in his mind. “Lexi…I…” He’s struggling, trying to put together the words that are not coming easily, ”You know, you and I…”

Lexi doesn’t want to hear it. Whatever sentiment is going to start with that phase is going to completely shatter her. “I have to go.” She cuts him off, turning away. Ethan doesn’t stop her, lets her scurry off down the hallway fighting back tears. 

***

“Lexi, stop it.” Suze stands in the door of the living room. Cassie and Ethan have just made their way upstairs, Lexi and Ethan made eye contact for just a moment before he’d trudged upstairs after her sister, looking meek. 

It’s been two weeks since their fight. And someway, somehow, Ethan and Cassie are a couple

Lexi can’t believe it.

First of all, Cassie’s always been such a snob about how uncool Lexi and her friends are, then suddenly she’s hanging all over Ethan? Pulling him to eat lunch at her table, skipping Algebra II to hang out with him in the library during his free period? Talking to Lexi during school hours was social suicide, as far as Cassie was concerned. But Ethan — who is, arguably, an even bigger nerd than Lexi — was fine?

Lexi might be a theater geek, but at least she has taste about it. She’s more Tennesee Williams than Hammerstein — Ethan’s favorite musical was Oklahoma, for heaven’s sake. Lexi knows that she’s at least cooler than that. 

And watching Ethan follow her older sister around has felt like an arrow through the heart. She’d been so sure Cassie and Ethan was a disaster that would fall apart as soon as it started. They had nothing in common. Lexi knew them both well enough to know that they’d never be able to stand each other's taste. But then she’d seen them watching Sex and the City together — which Ethan, an over intellectual, self-proclaimed film bro, would never have deigned to do before. And then she’d witnessed Cassie reading Ethan’s favorite book in bed. And Lexi felt like her whole world was turning upside down. She hadn’t been able to imagine Cassie and Ethan having a conversation, but Cassie’s been giggling on the phone with him late into the night.

She doesn’t know what she was expecting, something out of some dumb nineties teen romcom, maybe: the boy, initially falling for the charms of the popular cheerleader, realizes eventually that it’s actually the shy girl next door, with her intelligence and wit, who actually holds his heart. 

That had decidedly not happened. 

Lexi feels personally attacked by Freddie Prince Jr.

In the end, Ethan, who’d been sensitive and sweet, who listened for hours while she’d shared her thoughts and ideas, who’s been so supportive of her writing and her passions, who had called her brilliant and interesting and hilarious — was, in the end, just as easily captivated by Cassie’s beauty and charm as every other boy in East Highland High. 

And Lexi was facing the all to glaring truth that she, no matter how much she connected with a guy on an emotional or personal level, would never escape the shadow of her prettier sister, destined to be alone forever.

Now, she mopes, keeping her eyes fixed on the TV. Mindless, brain-rotting reality shows have become her only solace. And her mother has become her only friend. At least until now, when, with an exasperated expression, Suze rolls her eyes at Lexi sprawled out on the sofa.

“Lex, you need to stop acting like Cassie and Ethan dating is the end of the world,” Suze tells her.

Lexi scoffs. She knows how much Suze adores Ethan. Now that he was with Cassie, she’s overjoyed. Lexi knows she’s hoping that Ethan’s maturity will calm Cassie a bit, keep her more settled. She’d practically applauded when she’d heard the news. She’d made jokes about Ethan being Lexi’s boyfriend for years, laughing at her younger daughter's scandalized, red face. Lexi wonders if her mom ever knew her true feelings about him.

“It’s true,” Suze says insistently. “You’re going have so many opportunities to spend more time with both of them. You and Cass haven’t been close lately. You and she and Ethan can hang out together.”

This isn’t going to help that, Lexi thinks. “I really don’t want to.” She tells her mom. “Plus, they don’t want to hang out with me…” She thinks of how Cassie had swept by without acknowledging her, of Ethan’s quick, slightly guilty glance at her, all alone on the couch, before he’d followed Cassie upstairs. 

“Have you tried to spend time with them?” 

Lexi feels cut by the question. Cassie’s not included her in a long time. Now Ethan had been welcomed in, but no similar invite had been extended to Lexi. 

“Ethan is your friend. And if he’s with Cassie, you and she have an opportunity to get to know each other again.” 

Lexi frowns. Picks at a thread in the brown throw blanket stretched across her lap. Suze sighs, “Honey, they might surprise you.” Lexi doubts it, continuing to pull at the thread, her mothers words bouncing in her head. 

***

She waits a few days before trying. Turning over her mom’s words Turning over her mom’s words in her head. Listening to Cassie talk to Ethan softly before bed, watching as she makes her way through Nine Stories.

By the time she gets home from school on Friday, Ethan and Cassie are already in the girls’ room and Lexi goes upstairs for the first time, rather than diverting her path to the living room when she knows that they’re up there. 

She forces herself to smile at them, Ethan is sitting on Cassie’s desk chair, Cassie is sorting through outfits on the bed. Both look surprised. 

“Hey guys…” she greets, proud that her voice sounds steady. 

“Hey Lexi,” Ethan is grinning, looks happy to see her. 

Cassie looks more wary, but nods towards her sister. “Hey Lex.”

Lexi feels awkward with her forced smile, so she makes herself walk to her side of her room, putting her backpack on her purple bedspread. “What are you two up to today?” She cringes, feeling like an idiot. 

“Mike Wallace’s party’s tonight,” Cassie answers, sounding bored. She picks up a dress and considers it. 

Ethan hates parties. He hates Mike Wallace and Nate Jacobs and their idiot jock brigade even more. There’s no way he’d willingly go to his party. She glances at him. He’s watching her. Their eyes meet and Lexi feels that same pang deep in her chest that she always did whenever she’d stare into those dark blue eyes. Lexi wonders what would happen if she called him out, pointed out how dumb he was being, going to parties he hated for a girl who would probably dump him as soon as she got bored.  And she hates herself instantly for the nasty thought.

“Well, you two have fun,” she forces herself to say instead.

“You should come.”

“What?”

“What?”

Cassie and Lexi spoke up at the same time, both staring at Ethan. He blushes under the combined weight of their gaze. “I mean, it’s a party, we can hang out together.” Lexi glances at Cassie, who just eyes her, not saying anything. “It’s cool if you ride with us, right Cassie?” He asks.

Cassie glances between him and Lexi. She smiles and nods, “Sure, Lexi, you should come.” Lexi looks at her sister, raising her eyebrows. Really?  

She can’t tell if Cassie is lying, just being nice. But she’s going to take it. 

“Okay.”

***

They arrive at Mike Wallace’s McMansion together and any sense of gratitude towards her sister and Ethan for including her wears off once they step inside. The party is in full swing and Lexi is immediately overwhelmed at the booming music, smoky atmosphere, and the tight throng of kids packed together in the foyer. She pushes her way after Cassie and Ethan as they move through the crowd, feeling a sweat break out on the back of her neck.

They get to the living room, where Maddy whoops at their entrance. “Bitch, where’ve you been?!” Her eyes fall on Lexi, “Lexi!” She throws her arms around her, “I can’t believe we got you out to a party.” She laughs. Lexi blushes, but forces herself to laugh along. 

The conversation sweeps over her, Lexi feels more and more swept to the side. She hovers, just outside of Cassie’s circle of friends, awkward and unsure. Ethan has always been the one to join her in her solitude, to make her feel less lonely. Now, he’s on the inside with them. His arm around Cassie’s shoulders, chatting with the popular kids with ease. It’s like he’s a different person.

She slips away silently, wondering how long it would take them to notice she’s gone. She wanders aimlessly through the huge house, looking for a corner to hide in.

She wonders if Rue is around — she hasn’t seen her childhood best friend in ages. Not since the last time she’d shown up on her doorstep asking for clean pee at the beginning of the school year. She’d glimpsed her once, on New Years, running around with the new girl with whom she seemed to be attached at the hip. Only for a second had Lexi thought about trying to find her, say hi, try to reconnect. 

But it had been a long time since she and Rue had been close and the thought of being rejected had stung. And then Nate Jacobs had gotten his ass beat, which had diverted her attention for a minute, and by the time Lexi had thought about it again, Rue had disappeared. 

Being passed over romantically, especially for her much hotter older sister, was one thing, but something about Rue’s indifference to their friendship went beyond the sting that Ethan’s rejection held. 

Lonely, Lexi makes her way to the counter where numerous bottles of various liquids are collected. She prays for any kind of distraction, anything that will make her look less like the rejected loser that she is, hovering by the beverages by herself.

“Sup, Lexi?”

Lexi glances over at the figure that’s appeared out of nowhere. 

“Um, hey, Fezco.” She says softly. He’s one of Ethan’s closest friends, but Lexi’s never really talked to him. He’s a couple of years older than them, kind of quiet, standoffish, with a hardened, almost dangerous edge to his persona. He’d been the one who kicked Nate’s ass at Virgil’s New Year’s party a few weeks ago. Lexi remembers the blood stained t-shirt and ripped knuckles as he’d shoved by her when he left Nate a bleeding, unconscious mess on the floor. Plus, he’s, y’know, a freaking drug dealer.

There’s something else now in his face, not friendly, exactly, but interested.

“You havin’ fun?” He asks.

“Yeah,” she lies. “How about you?”

“Not complainin’” he says, reaching for a bottle of Jameson and a solo cup. Lexi watches his hands as he pours. “‘Is like the wilder it gets, the better business is, so…”

“Oh.” Right, drug dealer.

“You drinkin’?” He asks, nodding to the collection on the counter.

“Yeah, I guess.” 

He gives her a look, calculating, as if he were trying to make up his mind about something. A slow heat makes its way down the back of hee neck under his appraisal.

“Lemme getchu somethin’. Whatchu like?” Lexi cocks her head, trying to hide her surprise.

“Um, vodka?” She rubs a damp palm against the side of her dress, trying to will the red from creeping into her face. 

Fez purses his lips, bopping his head in a nod as he grabs a bottle of clear liquid. “Yeah? Whatchu drink it wit’?”

“Coke is fine,” she tells him, hoping that the high squeaky sound of her voice is only in her head. She watches his hands again as he pours her a drink. She’s confused by this gesture, this deliberate consideration he’s showing. Fezco’s never really seemed to like her very much.

He finishes pouring and hands the cup to her.

Lexi takes a sip. It’s sweet and not too strong, which she appreciates. After the nightmare she’d woken up to last time, she never wants to get drunk again. 

“It’s good.” She tells him.

He grins. “That’s what’s up. You chillin wit someone now or…?”

It takes Lexi a second to grasp his question. “No. Nope,” she cringes at herself. Before she can  say anything to correct her awkwardness. Fez bumps her arm gently with his cup, jerking his head towards the living room, where a group of stoned teenagers cluster around the sofas. “Come hangout?”

The question is casual, simple, but Lexi’s heart flips in her chest at the offer.

“Sure…” she trails off, feeling off kilter from the offer. Fezco never seems very happy when Ethan brings her around to hang out with them. He flashes her a grin, then leads her from the kitchen

She follows him, clutching her cup to her chest.  Fez pauses by the sofa, stepping aside to let her slide in first. A group of kids are smoking, giggling as they pass a joint, calling out a greeting to Fez as they sit. He ignores them as he settles in next to Lexi, his eyes watching her face curiously.

“You don’t come to this kinda shit too often.” He says carefully. He pulls a joint from the pocket of his jacket, flicking a lighter to release the flame.

“Yeah, I know,” Lexi starts. She feels called out, like she’s suddenly thrust into a spotlight, even though she’s tucked back in the dim corner of the sofa. She runs her palm against her skirt again, watching as he leans forward to catch the blunt in the flame. “I’m not usually one for parties.”

“Yeah, you ‘n Ethan both like that huh?” There’s something in the question that Lexi doesn’t quite get. He’s hinting at something, but she doesn’t know what.

“I guess?” She offers. There’s a moment of silence between them. Fez inhales on his blunt, then slowly releases a stream of smoke out the side of his mouth, his eyes still fixed on hers. Lexi feels a funny little shiver run down her spine. 

“But, um, he came tonight so…” she tries to fill the quiet, suddenly unnerved. She continues, “With Cassie. And me too. But mostly he came with my sister, so I came with him. Them.” She can feel her face turning red. She clamps her lips together to stop herself from word vomiting any more.

“Yeah, I, uh, heard bout that.” He leans back in his seat, taking another drag. “That’s fuckin weird.”

“Yes — Thank you!” Lexi bursts out, suddenly relieved to have found the one person who finds Cassie and Ethan strange. “Right? It’s so weird!” She sags back against the cushions, feels slightly less crazy.

“Ion fuckin get what he’s thinkin on that one, ma.” Fez agrees.

Lexi smiles to herself. 

Fez looks at her again, holds out his blunt, “you want?” 

Lexi shakes her head. “No thanks, Ion really…” her voice trails off. She wonders if he remembers. Years ago, before Ethan had moved to East Highland, she and Rue had gone to Fez’s house. Their  friendship was beginning to show cracks, and Lexi had been desperate to find a way to hold them together. Even go along when Rue wanted to hang out at the older dealer’s house. She’d been scared. But Fez was nice, back then. He’d offered her soda in his slow, soft voice and hadn’t laughed when she’d choked on her first attempt at smoking. But then she’d passed out on Fezco’s sofa and woken up to laughter and Fez yelling, “Yo, Bobby, fire!” and had panicked. She remembers struggling to hold back tears of humiliation as she’d scrubbed the beard they’d scrawled on her face.. 

She’d spent the next year avoiding the Dairy where Fezco worked and never looking him in the eye at parties. Then Ethan had moved to East Highland, helped fill the void that Rue left — but also, inexplicably, had made friends with Fezco along the way.  Ethan had invited her along to hang out with them several times, but Lexi, still humiliated and a little scared of Fezco’s tough appearance and rough reputation, had declined to ever go back to his house. On the occasions that she’d joined Ethan at the Dairy, she’d stayed quiet as the boys laughed and joked. Fezco seemed to equally ignore her right back, making her feel she was an unwelcome and annoying addition to their group. 

Which is why she’s now more than a little confused by his kindness and inclusion. But Fez is already nodding at her, taking the joint back. “’S cool.” He tells her with a shrug. Lexi eyes him, wondering if he’s forgotten the most embarrassing moment of her life. He doesn’t mention it, just takes a long drag, blowing smoke out under his breath. He’s cute. The thought twinges uncomfortably in her stomach, lodging there like a splinter. It’s an undeniable fact — Fezco’s got the most gorgeous blue eyes with the longest lashes, ginger beard, and a smattering of golden freckles across his skin, which, combined with his shaved head, menacing looking scar, and rugged facial features gives him an almost lethal combination of soft and dangerous — but even just the objective noticing of a guy’s hotness feels strange to Lexi. She doesn’t owe Ethan anything — she never has, but especially not now —  but she feels oddly disloyal at finding another guy attractive. She bites her lip. 

“I’ve just never really been that into smoking,” she says, trying to distract herself from noticing just how firm his hands look as he lifts his joint for another hit. “Not, like, I have anything against it. I’m fine if someone wants to.” She adds quickly, worried that he’d think she was judging him. He laughs, shrugging off her awkwardness easily and Lexi sighs, feeling slightly less like a dork. 

They sit together on the couch in that dark, smoky, room: Lexi feels her shyness slipping away as they talk. There’s something about his voice that’s calming, and at the same time, sends a little thrill through her veins. He asks her questions about herself, and she can’t remember the last time someone her age seemed so interested in what she had to say. Lexi watches him as she answers, taking in the easy, casual way he smokes, how his face cocks to the side as he considers her responses. He’s nice — genuine and interested in what she has to say — she never would have expected him to be so kind.

He keeps throwing her those glances, soft and curious, and Lexi’s only growing more aware of how each one makes her heart beat faster.

A buzz comes from her purse. Lexi reluctantly pulls her phone out, reading the message from Cassie. The thought that she and Ethan might have only just noticed that she’d wandered away from them earlier that night pierces through her chest. “It’s my sister,” she says to Fezco, “I guess she’s ready to go, so I’ve gotta leave.” 

Fez nods amicably, but for a second Lexi could swear she sees his face drop. “‘Is cool. I’m probably gonna cut soon anyways.” He tilts his head, giving her another look that makes him look like he’s wrestling with some internal impulse. “I just, uh, wanted to say I had a lot of fun talkin’ witchu, Lexi.” 

Lexi flushes at his soft tone and softer eyes. “You too,” she murmurs, then grabbing her bag, makes her way towards the door, heart beating fast. 

Ethan and Cassie wait by the door. Lexi swallows hard, eyes glued to their clasped hands. “Hey Lex,” Ethan greets softly. She’s slowly coming back down from the high she’d been on for the past hour, and it’s painful. 

Cassie’s drunk, giddy, and swaying slightly on her feet. Ethan steadies her, sliding one arm around her waist to stop her from stumbling. Cassie puts her head on his shoulder. “Do you need me to drive?” Lexi asks softly. Ethan shakes his head. 

“I’ve got it.”

Lexi nods and walks out with them, keeping one hand under Cassie’s opposite elbow, steadying them as they make their way back to the car. Ethan helps Cassie in the front as Lexi climbs into the back without a word. 

Ethan drives them home, the silence in the car stretches between them awkwardly. It’s the closest Lexi’s had to being alone with Ethan in weeks and she can’t think of anything to say. It reminds her of when Rue was beginning to pull away from her and the thought makes her want to cry. Her hands curl into fists against her thighs and she bites her lip to hold back the question she wants to ask. 

Cassie rouses when they pull into the Howard’s driveway, leaning over to smack a kiss against Ethan’s cheek before she slides out of the car. Lexi opens the door, “Lexi?”

She pauses, looking back at him. “I just wanted —“ he hesitates. “I wanted to ask if everything’s okay? Between us?” 

Lexi’s fingers dig into the seat in front of her. “I don’t know, Ethan. Is it?”

“I mean, I hope it is…” He sighs, looking out at the front of the car, then back at her, “I don’t want to lose you, Lex.” 

“I don’t want to lose you either.” Her voice sounds low, strangled. 

“I want things to be the same between us.”

Something pools in Lexi’s stomach, dark and ugly. 

“Well, if you don’t want things to change, don’t change them then.”

Ethan sighs. As if she’s the one being difficult. “Lex—“

She opens the car door, jumps out, cutting him off. She doesn’t want to hear how sad he is that she’s not doing backflips over him and Cassie. Just like that morning three weeks ago, Lexi storms across the lawn, and Ethan, once again watches her go without stopping her.