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When Sam felt the first pang of pain, strong like cramps or what she imagined a contraction would feel like, the Hammond had been under attack for over ten minutes. She gasped and doubled in pain, hoping no one would notice with the commotion.
She didn’t want to think what the pain could mean.
“Maneuver to the left!” she shouted through the blaring alarms and the sound of the impact of the fire of the enemy weapons.
Major Marks did as he was told and the ship moved, while more impacts destabilized it. Smoke was coming out of different damaged equipment, and alert lights were flickering with each alarm sound.
Alarms were going off in her head as well, but for a different reason.
The pain was starting to worry her—it was coming as cramps, in waves, and it was much more intense than anything she had felt before.
This couldn’t be happening.
“What’s the status, Sam?” Cameron asked her—he, Daniel and Vala had just entered the bridge of the Hammond.
“Not good. It’s an ambush”, she managed to answer calmly—or so she thought. It didn’t escape Sam that Vala had her eyes fixed on her.
Could she know just by looking at her?
“What do you need us to do?” Cam continued, oblivious to the pain she was in.
Good. Orders she could give. She’d worry about the other thing once she saved everybody.
“Go to the engine room, see if you can fix some of the panels that have been damaged”.
“Okay, will do. Come on”.
“I’d… rather stay here”, Vala requested, and Cam nodded in agreement, probably thinking it’d be good to split efforts.
Sam knew she wanted to check on her.
She wondered for a second if the blood was soaking through her BDUs. She felt her legs sticky, but she wasn’t sure if it was just her imagination.
Another impact from the attack distracted her from the pain for a second.
“Ma’am, they hit us. Our weapons are offline”.
“See if we can—” the rest of the phrase was left floating in the air, unsaid. The latest wave of pain had come all of a sudden, in full force, just as if someone had stabbed her through the uterus and was moving the knife inside of her.
She doubled in pain, this time in front of Major Marks and Vala.
“Ma’am, are you okay?”
Sam waved her hand to dismiss the question, but Vala had a different opinion.
“I think the Colonel here will pay a visit to the infirmary”.
That won’t be necessary, Sam wanted to say, but suddenly her stomach churned, and she felt an urge to vomit. She was sweating profusely, and she was certain she had a fever.
So she nodded and allowed Vala to guide her out of the bridge.
“I’ll be right back”, she lied to Major Marks, who knew better than to press the issue further.
“Lean on me, Samantha”, Vala told her, and they moved slowly amidst the chaos and flurry of people coming and going, the alarms blaring, the ship shaking.
They came to a halt in the hallway, as Sam doubled in pain yet again.
“Did the General know?” Vala asked her gently once she stood up. It made Sam choke up.
“Yeah”, she gasped, and tears prickled in her eyes from acknowledging a pain that was no longer just physical. “We weren’t… we weren’t telling yet”.
Vala didn’t press further, but Sam suddenly wanted to share the burden of what was likely a loss that had weighed heavily on her heart for over an hour.
“I was eight weeks along”.
“I’m sorry, Samantha”.
Her heart felt heavy with sorrow, and Vala’s compassion made it somehow more difficult to bear.
The ship swayed brusquely and both of them fell to the floor. Vala hugged her protectively.
In her arms, Sam wanted to cry, but she made an effort not to. She tried to get up, but her legs faltered. Vala caught her and helped her up.
“Let’s get you to the infirmary. We’re close”.
“Thanks”, Sam told her and Vala squeezed her arm.
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They moved slowly and entered the infirmary, where the chaos of the rest of the ship was even more pronounced. Wounded people were entering, and the few doctors and nurses were running around, coming and going, trying to maximize their efforts.
One of them, a young man called Dr. Roberts, noticed Sam and Vala entering the infirmary.
“Colonel Carter, are you okay?”
Still leaning on Vala for support, Sam tried to talk as clearly as possible—there was no use in being indirect.
“I… uh… I think I’m miscarrying my baby”, she told him, and the doctor turned as pale as she was. He nodded, and Sam could see that the shock was substituted with determination in his eyes.
“Okay. Follow me”, he said leading both of them to the back of the infirmary. “I’m afraid we don’t have private rooms here, but here”, he said prepping the bed furthest in the infirmary, “we can draw the curtains and give you some privacy”.
“We appreciate it”, Vala said, helping Sam sit down on the bed.
“I’ll bring you a gown, Ma’am, so you can get changed. Please, let me know if you see any blood clots on your underwear. I’ll see if I can find some pads and an ultrasound machine”.
Vala helped Sam out of the BDUs and into the gown, and they both froze as they observed the blood dripping through her panties. Vala assisted her change and none of them mentioned the blood clot they both clearly saw.
“Are you ready, Colonel?” Dr. Roberts asked, and Sam suddenly wished he was a woman. It’d make what she needed to say more bearable.
“There was…” Sam gulped—it was hard to speak, “a blood clot”.
“Okay, let me see if we can find a heartbeat, okay? We’ll move from there”.
The doctor entered the enclosed space and set up the portable machine. He spread gel on her stomach, and it felt way too cold, as if she was burning up.
Some seconds passed.
And then he said it. What she feared the most in the world.
“I’m sorry, Colonel, I can’t find a heartbeat”.
Sam took an intake of air. She felt as if she were suffocating.
“Okay”, she cleared her throat, “what—what now? Do you need to… is there a procedure…?”
“At this early stage, a miscarriage is like a heavy period. It’ll stop in about a week”.
“I don’t think I can… god the cramps”, Sam’s words were punctuated by the sharp pain she felt in her uterus.
“They won’t feel as bad with time”.
Another impact on the ship shook it, moving everything and everyone. Sam’s world was too shaken itself to notice anything else.
“Okay then”, Sam started to sit up, “I need to go back to the bridge”.
“Colonel, you should rest”, the doctor said.
Sam knew she would usually protest, try to get back to work—and yet, she felt she just didn’t have the energy to do so. Vala looked right through her.
“Don’t worry, Samantha, I’ll tell Cameron to take the reins. He’s the next highest-ranking officer here, is he not?”
“Y-yeah”.
“Okay, I’ll tell him, then. Will you be okay here?” Vala looked at her and then the doctor.
“I need to go check on other patients, Ma’am, but I’ll be here as soon as you need me”.
“Yeah, Vala, I’ll be fine. Go tell Cam, please. We need a commander on this ship”.
They both left her alone, feeling empty.
Vala walked quickly, trying to be as fast as possible. She found Cam and Daniel in the engine room, managing some of the engineers there.
“Cameron, Samantha needs you to take over the ship”.
“What? Why? Is she okay?”
“She’s… indisposed”.
“Indisposed? What does that even mean? Sam would never abandon her post if she weren’t, I don’t know, dying”. Daniel added.
“She’s in the infirmary, she needs Cameron to take over”.
“What’s wrong with her? Can we see her?”
“Daniel, I don’t think she wants to see anyone. You would help her by please doing what I said”.
Cameron understood.
“Daniel, you stay here helping the engineers with the reactor. I’ll go to the bridge, see if I can get us out of here alive. Vala you…”
“I’m on my way to the infirmary”.
“Thanks. Keep an eye on her, will you?”
“Will do”.
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Vala found her in a fetal position, her eyes red from crying. She was no longer doing so—she was just staring blankly at the curtain that separated her from what was happening in the real world. A world that didn’t matter much to her anymore.
“Cameron is taking over”, Vala said as a greeting.
“Did you”, she cleared her throat—it felt dry, “what did you tell him?”
“That you were indisposed”.
“Did they let you off the hook with that?”
“There was no hook, Samantha, but they did not really believe me. However, Cameron understood that it was important to have a commander of this ship”.
“Of course he did”.
“How are you feeling, Samantha?”
Sam ignored the question—how could she even begin to answer that? Instead, she replied with another question:
“How did you know?”
“Huh?”
“In the bridge, before anything happened, you saw me and you just… knew what was happening”.
“It was in your eyes. It was written all over your eyes. That look of concern, of pain—of a pain that wasn’t just physical. I just knew”.
“Oh God, do you think Jack will know just by looking at me?” she paused for a second but didn’t let Vala answer, “or he will be told, right? When we come back the doctor will inform him”.
“I’m sure the doctor will be discreet”.
“Maybe it’s better if someone else tells him. How could I even look at him in the eyes and… break his heart?”
“Oh, Samantha…”
“I will, though. This pregnancy was unexpected news, but very welcomed ones. And now…”
Another impact made the lights suddenly turn off; a couple of emergency lights flickered, illuminating dimly the face of both of them. It somehow made the conversation more intimate.
“Now I ruined it”, Sam whispered, “I failed, I screwed it all up. I shouldn’t have taken more missions, I should’ve…”
“No, Samantha, no should’ves. As sad as it is, miscarriages are more common than we think. For all we know, it could have happened while you stayed resting at home”.
“I don’t know”.
“Well, that’s the thing, is it not? We don’t know, and we’ll never know, but you can’t beat yourself up for it, Samantha. This was not your fault”.
“It was, Vala. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t the mother this baby needed”.
“Samantha, that is simply not true”.
They could hear the sounds of the medical staff tending to the wounded—maybe they were hurt with the latest blast that had made the lights turn out. It reminded them both that they were not alone, and that the little privacy the curtains gave them was not enough to protect them from prying ears should there be any.
“They know, don’t they?” Sam asked, signaling the curtain with her head.
“They know you’re here, yes. I don’t think they know why. There’s no reason why they should.” Vala caressed Sam’s arm, gently. She hadn’t moved from the position she first was in when Vala came back. The only movement coming from her were spasms when cramps occurred.
“They care about you, Samantha. They all do. We all do”.
The lights turned back on. It made it easier to see just how pale Sam was, her forehead drenched with sweat, her eyes red, tear streaks on her cheeks.
Vala forced a smile.
“Well, this might mean that Cameron and the crew managed to fix something. Maybe we’ll soon get out of here”.
“Not sure I want to”.
Vala didn’t ask her why; she knew it perfectly well.
“Still”, Sam cleared her throat once again—her tongue felt like lead in her mouth, “can you check how’s Cam doing? What’s the status?”
“Will you be okay here?”
“Despite evidence to the contrary, I’m not dying”.
“You know what I mean”.
“Please, Vala, go check”.
“Okay, rest”.
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“Good news, Samantha, they’ve managed to outmaneuver them and are jumping to hypersp-” Vala stopped when she realized that Sam was asleep. After all the hours of pain, it seemed the exhaustion had worn her out in the end.
She checked her forehead, noticing she was still burning up, and then placed the sheets above her.
She sat down on the chair next to her bed, ready to spend as much time as needed close to her.
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When Sam woke up, she instantly recognized an isolation room from the SGC. And then, she saw the concerned brown eyes looking at her.
“You know”, Sam said, and the sad look in his eyes confirmed it, “oh, God”, she drew a breath and her hand started shaking.
Jack took it and enveloped it in both of his hands. They were warm, and calloused, and familiar, and tears started pooling in her eyes as she raised them to look at him.
“I’m sorry”, she said, and it broke his heart.
“Sam”, Jack finally spoke, but Sam didn’t let him continue.
“I’m so sorry. I screwed it up”.
“Sam, you didn’t screw anything up”, Jack pulled himself closer without letting go of her hand. “I love you so much”.
“How can you? I broke your heart!” Sam choked out as she began crying, finally allowing the tears to flow freely.
Jack’s own eyes were brimming with tears.
“Sam, this was not your fault”.
“But it was! I shouldn’t have gone on that mission…”
“The doctor told us you here healthy. There was no reason for us not to think so”.
“Then why do I feel as if I made the worst decision possible?”
“I’m so sorry this happened, Sam, but this was not because you decided to continue saving our collective asses. I promise”.
Sam continued crying, gasping for breath. Her heart felt as heavy as if it was made of stone.
“I loved…” she gasped for air again, “I loved this baby… so much”, she said between sobs.
“I know. I did too”, Jack said, and began crying himself.
He hugged her and she corresponded, and tight in the embrace they cried together.
After a while, Jack spoke as he dried his eyes.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, Sam”.
“That’s stupid, Jack. How could you have been?”
“I don’t know. I just wish I’d been there”.
“I know. But I wasn’t alone: I had Vala with me”.
“Yeah, she told me. I’m glad you had her to take care of you”.
“Yeah, me too”.
“How are you feeling, by the way? Are you in any pain?”
“Yeah, I have—it feels like cramps, but the pain is just…”
“Can’t they give you something?”
“You know, with my physiology they’d have to give me something to sedate a horse. We don’t know what a healing device would do either, and I honestly prefer not to try. I… I feel like I deserve the pain”.
“I wish I could take all of your pain away, Sam”.
“When you hug me, you take some of it away”, she confessed.
They hugged tightly again, both of them feeling slightly less miserable and slightly less alone in each other’s arms. They were mourning something that would never be, for all the exciting possibilities that would never happen. But they were also finding some solace in each other, a glimmer of hope that their broken hearts would eventually mend.
Today, they cried together.
Tomorrow, the healing would begin.
THE END.