Actions

Work Header

Roadtrip of the centuries

Summary:

What's more fun than 7 dead men? 9 of them!
Or, the Dead Men get tasked with retrieving a possibly dangerous artefact from Denmark to Ireland for testing, and have the roadtrip of the centuries while at it.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

It was 12.00 Irish time when the Midnight Hotel arrived on Danish soil. There were only a few things that clued Valkyrie in on the change: the most obvious was the scenery outside the windows changing, and the familiar, quiet rumble that sounded off from somewhere in the building. A few minutes later the time on her cellphone hopped one hour ahead and she got a push notification asking whether she wanted to turn data roaming on. She clicked yes. Her map application showed that they were somewhere near a national park called Skjoldungernes land, not that it rang any bells. She stretched and picked up her backpack to carry it into the car, a van that Ghastly owned which had been modified to seat all nine of them. Anton and Ghastly had gone ahead to load the heavier bags into the back, both smiling at her when they noticed her.
“You’ve never been to Denmark before, have you?” Ghastly asked her, as he slammed the trunk shut.
“Never,” she responded. Her only contact with the country that she could recall was that she used to play with Legos when she was younger.
“It’s quite nice when you’re not being besieged by zombies,” Anton added.
“What, you didn’t like the zombies?” the voice came from somewhere behind Valkyrie, and she would have jumped at how close the source had gotten without her noticing, if she hadn’t recognized it immediately. Sure enough, a second later Larrikin was standing next to her, holding a few bottles of water.
Anton quirked an eyebrow, “You almost died.”
“Yeah yeah, average tuesday,” Larrikin said, shrugging nonchalantly. “and the pastries were well worth the trouble. We have to get you some of those, Valkyrie.”
“I’m more concerned about getting a good seat,” she responded, “Dexter and Saracen are still off somewhere, if we hurry we can claim the back row. Sound travels worse backwards in the car, so we won’t have to listen to them bicker.”
Ghastly laughed. “We have to tell Corrival you said that when we meet up with him, he’ll be so proud of the strategist you’ve become.”
“Are we sure we don’t want to listen to the bickering?” Larrikin asked, “it can be pretty funny.”
“For the first 20 minutes perhaps. I recall you wishing you could throw them overboard during our trip over the Atlantic in 1876.” Anton retorted. “I think I had to lock us in a different room just to be safe.”
“Oh, I thought you just did that for fun.”
“It may surprise you, but I do not lock myself into closets as a recreational activity.”Anton’s voice was deadpan, but Valkyrie was certain he was smiling. Their bickering was way funnier than Dexter and Saracen’s in the long run. It was a tragedy that neither of them had taken up careers in stand-up comedy yet, Valkyrie thought, and almost burst out laughing as she tried to imagine Anton delivering punchlines while looking and sounding like a long-lost member of the Addams family. It was a great loss indeed, she thought as she did her seatbelt. She chose the window seat, and Larrikin sat on her other side. Hopeless would take the first turn driving, which meant Erskine would probably take shotgun.
“Oh no!” she exclaimed, “we left Skulduggery to sit with Saracen and Dexter!”
“I’m sure he’ll manage,” Ghastly responded.
“Obviously he will, but he won’t be happy about it. I was hoping I could call dibs on shotgun when it’s his turn to drive, but now he’ll drive alone out of spite.”
“I’ll cover for you buddy,” Larrikin said, patting her on the shoulder. “If he asks, this was all my idea. I already have my shotgun spot covered.”
“And if he’s still feeling spiteful you can ride with me,” Ghastly responded.
It would be the first official Dead Men mission she would participate in, if a few late-night runs to a pizza place didn’t count. She’d made sure to tell her parents where she was going and how long she’d be. When they asked what she’d do if she needed an adult, she’d said that Skulduggery would be there. And when they asked what she’d do if she needed a responsible adult, she’d told them that Ghastly, Hopeless and Anton would also all be there. With that they’d let her go.
“What’s so special about this rock anyways? And why are we the ones sent to fetch it?” She asked. Not that she was complaining, she loved a good road trip, but the way Skulduggery had described it made it seem like just an overpriced rock.
“It’s a large piece of demantoid garnet, believed to have been created in… unusual conditions. It’s been kept by the Danish Sanctuary, but they’ve noticed it may have magical properties, and they want to send it to the Irish Sanctuary for testing.” Anton responded.
“Magical properties? Like what?” Valkyrie imagined it couldn’t possibly be worse than the stone on the Sceptre of the Ancients.
“Well, it almost electrocuted a janitor,” Larrikin responded, “and you generally don’t want your mantlepiece doing that.”
“It would be an unnecessary risk to subject it to teleportation, hence we’ll go pick it up. They’ll put it in a protected container so we don’t get fried.” Ghastly said.
“I sure hope they will,” Valkyrie said just as Erskine and Hopeless got in the car, followed by Dexter. Saracen and Skulduggery. Valkyrie saw Skulduggery scan the car, seemingly realize that he’d been abandoned, then turn to look at her with what she guessed was disappointment.
“Sorry Skul, you snooze, you lose,” Larrikin said, grinning.
“Don’t call me that. I do not “snooze”, I meditate,” Skulduggery grumbled.
The van’s motor rumbled as it turned on, and they drove through flat countryside until they reached a main road. They bickered amongst themselves for a moment on what music to put on, until it was universally decided that a mixture of ABBA and Britney Spears would be a good compromise.

 

They arrived in Aarhus a few minutes past 3 pm. There’d been a change of drivers midway through, and Valkyrie got to listen to Erskine commenting on every song that came on, and Hopeless quietly humming along. They drove through the city to a tall building, which Valkyrie figured was an art museum. “This is where the Sanctuary is,” Hopeless stated as the car stopped. “I propose an even division of tasks: some of us go and acquire the stone, the rest secure us something to eat.”
Skulduggery surveyed the occupants of the van for a moment before speaking, “Ghastly, Hopeless, Anton, Erskine. You’ll come with me to get the stone. The rest of you can deal with lunch.”
Larrikin turned to look at Valkyrie, grinning. “We’re gonna get you some pastries,” he said. Valkyrie had no complaints about that: being in charge of food certainly beat waiting for hours in some dusty room and talking to suits. She hadn’t met any danish Sanctuary officials yet, but she imagined they probably wouldn’t be any more fun than the Irish ones. They got out of the car and headed down a busy road towards what looked like the city center.
“Game plan: We hit the supermarket, find a good bakery and then some sort of take-out. Take-out last, so it’s still warm when we get to the car,” Dexter instructed, moving his hands as if drawing an invisible map while doing so.
“You make it sound like a black ops mission,” Valkyrie laughed.
“Sorry, force of habit.”
The grocery store was fairly easy to find, and quite easy to navigate. Dexter and Saracen did not stop at describing the whole thing like a black ops mission, they led it the same way. Within 7 minutes they were out of the store with a few large bottles of water and soda. They had to pass a few bakeries before they found one that Larrikin decided was suitable, showing Valkyrie how to select the best sweets while Dexter and Saracen continued on to nice pizza place they’d noticed.
“Here,” he said after they’d finished with their purchase, handing her a piece of chocolate cake and taking one for himself. “Nobody will ever know we got a head start.”
Valkyrie looked at the box. “Yes they will, they can see the box and that there’s two pieces missing.”
“I don’t think they will care that much, but it’s fun to imagine we’re doing something against the rules, isn’t it? Makes the cake taste better,” Larrikin mumbled through a mouthful of cake.
“It’s chocolate cake, it always tastes good.”
“Say what you will, but we’re criminals now. Cake criminals.” Larrikin grinned.
“Baked good bandits,” Valkyrie continued.
“The delicacy delinquents,” Larrikin nodded, and gave her a fist bump. They joined Dexter and Saracen in front of the pizza shop, from where they continued back to the museum to wait for the rest of the squad to return. They did about 10 minutes later, carrying a box with art museum stickers and stamps all over it.
“What masterpiece of visual art have you got there?” Saracen asked jokingly.
“A masterpiece indeed, but it can be a little shocking,” Skulduggery responded as he handed it over to Dexter for safekeeping.
“Oh come on, that’s a bad joke even from you,” Valkyrie scoffed.
“All my jokes are incredible,” Skulduggery responded, “and just for that insult I’m vetoing your shotgun rights.”
“Jokes on you, I secured a shotgun spot with Ghastly already!” Valkyrie shouted in triumph.
“Oh, Corrival will be so proud!” Saracen said, feigning wiping tears from his eyes. They got in the car and started their incredibly late lunch.

 

The food bought at Aarhus lasted them a good four hours, but by 9pm they stopped for gas and decided to buy some snacks to kill two birds with one stone. Valkyrie got out of the car and stretched, grateful to have a moment to traipse around. She did a few jumping jacks, before walking to the edge of the parking lot. It was late enough into the summer that the sun had already set, but no stars were out just yet.
“Excuse me miss.”
Valkyrie turned around to face whoever was talking to her, and saw an older woman, maybe in her 60s. She greeted her as politely as she could.
“What are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere this late? Are your parents around?” The woman inquired. Shit.
Valkyrie thought for a moment, then looked around. Skulduggery was still in the car, but he looked too suspicious with his sunglasses and scarf. Hopeless was also by the car, but currently shapeshifted to look like a young woman, too young to pass as her mother. Just then she noticed Larrikin walking out of the store, with Anton following close by.
“That’s my dad,” she pointed at Anton, who seemed to notice the commotion and began walking towards them.
“Hi dad!” she shouted, quickly following it up by silently mouthing “Go along with it”.
If Anton panicked, she couldn’t see any sign of it. He simply nodded and smiled, if a little stiffly.
“Oh, are you one of those band families I read about?” The older woman asked.
“Yeah, hard rock. My dad plays the bass,” Valkyrie responded, surprised at how natural it felt. Theatre classes really had paid off after all, and Anton really did look like he could play bass in a rock band. The woman nodded and bid her farewell, heading into the small store.
“I got you a sandwich and some soda,” Anton said, gesturing at the plastic bag he had in one hand as they walked to the car. By this point Larrikin had caught up with them.
“Thank goodness, I’m so hungry!” Valkyrie responded.
“Hi hungry I’m dad,” Anton blurted out, then flinched violently, as if someone had slapped him right across the face. Valkyrie and Larrikin burst into a fit of laughter that threatened to make them both double over on the ground.
“This is all your fault, you’re a bad influence,” Anton scoffed at Larrikin, who looked like he was about to respond, before another fit of laughter nearly sent him to his knees. Valkyrie realized that Anton was laughing as well. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever seen him do it, and she still couldn’t hear it. Somehow he managed to do it quietly enough that Larrikin’s laughter drowned it out, as if he was laughing on both of their behalf.
“Not a word of this to anyone,” Anton said, a hint of amusement still in his voice. “They’ll never let me hear the end of it.
They quickly walked to the car, where everyone else was already waiting.
“Guess what Anton did!” Larrikin shouted as soon as they opened the door.
“Larrikin!” Anton hissed.
“Sorry, here’s a pastry for your troubles. Will you ever forgive me?” Larrikin batted his eyelashes.
Anton mumbled something unintelligible and immersed himself in eating the pastry as Larrikin recounted the story to the rest of the Dead Men. Valkyrie climbed up on the shotgun seat, content to listen to the banter going on in the seats behind her.
“Bad news,” Ghastly muttered, interrupting the bickering after some time. Valkyrie followed his gaze to the rear-view mirror, but couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary, just a very normal looking car.
“I don’t see anything.”
“I’ve been trying to lose that car for the past 20 minutes. Anton, do we have time for a detour?”
Valkyrie looked back to see Anton checking the antique pocket watch which Valkyrie knew signified the Hotel’s movements, and comparing it to the map. “We should have enough time.”
“Perfect. Dexter, keep the package secure. Turn all your lights off and hold tight.” Before Valkyrie could ask what Ghastly meant by that, the car accelerated down the vacant highway, then turned sharply down a dirt road. Valkyrie glanced into the rear-view mirror to find the car chasing them down with equal speed. The atmosphere in the car had noticeably shifted. Valkyrie stared out of the window, trying to see anything that could be of help. She noticed it after a while: a lone green light a bit farther along.
“I think there’s a railway crossing ahead,” she said.
“Can you see a train?” Ghastly asked.
She followed what she thought to be the track with her gaze, and sure enough, a yellow light was traveling down it, fast.
“Yes, coming in from the right.”
“Can we beat it across?”
“Easily, but so can the other car.”
Ghastly gripped the wheel. “Perhaps, but if we’re lucky the beams will come down behind us.”
The van shook as it flew across the tracks, making it to the other side just in time before the safety beams descended low enough to stop them.
“They’re stuck on the other side of the tracks!” Erskine yelled out.
“We’re not out of the woods yet, we’ve merely slowed them down .” Skulduggery said. Valkyrie saw that he’d pulled his revolver out.
“The woods! There’s a campground there!” Larrikin exclaimed.
The van turned sharply once again, and Valkyrie would have gotten whiplash if it wasn’t for Ghastly placing his arm in front of her. The scenery changed from rolling hills to thick forest. They turned into a small, long abandoned parking lot, and Ghastly shut off the lights and engine. Valkyrie thought she could already hear the other car approaching, before she realized it was just the blood rushing in her ears. It took a few minutes for the engine to become audible once again, though it felt like much longer. The car roared past the intersection that would have led to their hideout, continuing down the road at speed.
“Don’t go yet,” Hopeless whispered, “they’ll come back.”
Ghastly nodded, and sure enough, the approaching engine became audible again, quieter than before. They’d slowed down to look for them. Valkyrie tried her best to duck down as low as she could, and heard others doing the same thing, but it was no use. She heard car doors opening and slamming shut, followed by yelling she couldn’t understand. Valkyrie checked that her necromancer ring was with her, and prepared herself mentally for an altercation.
“Let me handle it,” Hopeless whispered, before quietly opening their door and hopping out. As Valkyrie peeked over the dashboard she saw them transform into something monstrous, and was suddenly thankful for how dark it was, as she knew whatever her friend had turned into would have haunted her nightmares had she seen it probably. They lunged out onto the road, and she heard their pursuers yell out in fear, followed by the slamming of doors and the screeching of tires. Hopeless got back in the car, just in time so that Valkyrie could see their jaw shift back into place and what looked like antlers go back into their skull.
“I didn’t even have to lay a hand on them. Cowards,” Hopeless said dryly.
“What was that dear? I don’t believe we’ve seen that one before,” Erskine asked.
“Just something I’ve been working on, based on that one ghost story Anton used to tell,” Hopeless shrugged and pulled their stetson over their eyes in a way that made Valkyrie certain they were showing off.
“Oh Valkyrie, you haven’t heard that story yet, have you?” Saracen asked, sounding excited.
Ghastly cleared his throat, “I think we’ve had quite enough excitement for tonight. The Antlerbeast can wait until tomorrow.”
“You’re just saying that because it scares you,” Saracen goaded, then paused as if he’d thought of something else. “Where’d you learn how to drive like that, anyways?”
Valkyrie looked towards Ghastly, who winked at her but neglected to answer Saracen. She climbed back into her seat and redid her seatbelt, and they drove out of the parking lot, and back onto the main highway.
“You reckon they were mortals?” Dexter asked after several minutes of silence.
“Sure seemed like it, but what would mortals want with something like this?” Hopeless said.
“They probably got word of a large demantoid garnet being transported with minimal security. How, I don’t know, but a piece of this size could go for several hundreds of thousands of euros,” Skulduggery responded.
“Well it’s a good thing we’re the ones transporting it, then! We saved those poor bastards from being electrocuted,” Saracen said. Valkyrie was vaguely aware of him continuing to talk, but she had already begun drifting off.
When she woke up they’d reached the harbor, seagulls screaming somewhere up above, so loud that it woke her up. She got out of the car, finding herself to be the last one out. Corrival had already caught up with them, standing out on the pier. He was wearing the same yellow raincoat he always did, but a different sweater than the last time Valkyrie met him. This one had colorful ducks on it.
“Good morning,” he greeted her, “did the boys wake you?” Valkyrie wasn’t sure which combination of the Dead Men “the boys” referred to, but she figured that either Saracen and Dexter were included.
“No, it was the seagulls,” she responded, gazing up to see those same seagulls still circling and screeching.
“Ah, close enough,” he laughed. “I’ve heard you’ve become quite the strategist. I’m very impressed,” He continued, patting her on the shoulder like her grandfather used to. They stood there on the pier for a while, until the ferry they were to board came to view over the horizon.
“Here’s a test for you:” Corrival said, “what’s the best strategy to rally our troops to board that ship on time?”
Valkyrie tried to think for a moment. He’d seen Erskine, Saracen and Dexter by the car, and Larrikin and Anton a bit farther down the beach. The whereabouts of the rest she had no clue of.
“I have no idea,” she confessed.
“Me neither,” Corrival said, amused. “Our men are scattered and the transport is closing in.”
“How about a panicked scramble?” Valkyrie offered.
“Sounds like a plan,” Corrival chuckled, before turning on his heels, hollering orders to the few Dead Men he could see, and Valkyrie quickly joined him in the effort.

Notes:

Hi! I really hope you like this and that it's what you had in mind! Sorry that it's a little Larrikin-heavy, I have no defense except that he's silly and I like him. And sorry if Denmark seems like an odd location, it and Finland are the only two countries I've spent enough time in to describe an authentic roadtrip.