Chapter Text
There was a mockingjay culling the following afternoon.
Coriolanus wasn’t there, of course. He was to spend the next week working in the kitchens, washing dishes and assisting Cookie with each meal. It wasn’t horrible–it was better than mopping the barracks or washing uniforms, anyway. But as he spent Thursday morning scrubbing the dirt off of ten pounds of potatoes, he wished he could be out there in the woods.
Bug and Sejanus were probably all in a twist about it.
He could hear Sejanus now: Oh, Coryo! They’re just innocent birds! It doesn’t matter if they’re freaks of nature and shouldn’t exist, I’ll waste a loaf of bread for every one I shoot! Coriolanus would give anything to watch them tumble from the sky, for the canopy of oak leaves and spruce needles to finally fall silent. Without the mockingjays shrieking about, everything would be still . Peaceful. So quiet you could hear the first snowfall.
Washing the dishes made him think of Tigris. She did everything back home: the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry…And now she was more alone than ever. The guilt felt like a knife in his stomach. How he missed her. He missed her the way the tides missed the moon on a cloudy evening: like it was unnatural to have her out of sight. What was she doing now? Running one of Fabrica’s ridiculous errands? Making the Grandma’am some soothing tea after another one of her episodes? Now that there was one less mouth to feed, someone who didn’t know Tigris might think she was eating more. That she was stronger. But Coriolanus knew his cousin like he knew himself: she was most likely sick with worry, spooning her leftovers onto the Grandma’am’s plate. She was probably thinner than ever.
They would get more money soon. How long did it take for his pay raise to go into effect? A week? Two? More? Coriolanus just hoped his family could hold on for just a little longer. He would send her a letter this weekend to share the good news.
There was little time to let these thoughts linger. Once the dishes were clean, Cookie assigned Coriolanus the daunting task of helping prepare the Commander’s birthday feast.
For District food, the menu was surprisingly elegant. There were steaks, ten pounds of potatoes ready to be boiled and mashed, and fresh peas. Fresh , not canned . For Peacekeepers from the lower Districts, this would probably be the nicest meal of their lives.
Cookie did most of the actual cooking . Once he learned that Coriolanus had barely touched a stove, he put him on potato duty. Of course, Cookie was under the impression that being from the Capitol meant that everyone had their own personal chef. It was easy for Coriolanus to play along. After all, he had been lying about having maids and a cook for most of his life.
He was dismissed in the late afternoon, and Cookie even slipped him one of the bottles of whiskey.
After showering and changing into some fresh fatigues for the occasion, Coriolanus walked to the mess hall with Sejanus and their bunkmates.
Each soldier was given a heaping spoonful of gravy, a large mug of beer and a flaky dinner roll. Coriolanus traded Bug his beer for another biscuit. It would have benefitted from some butter, but he’d eaten worse.
“Thanks, Gent.” Bug took a long sip from the mug and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I really needed this. Long day.”
“Oh, right. The mockingjays.” Coriolanus tried to sound sympathetic, rather than jealous. He should’ve been out there blasting those freaks out of the sky–but instead, he’d spent hours peeling potatoes. “How’d it go?”
“Oh, these two hated it,” said Smiley in between spoonfuls of peas, gesturing to Bug and Sejanus with his elbow. “But once we got the birds out of the trees, it was easy.”
“I barely got any of them…” Beanpole pushed the mashed potatoes around on his plate anxiously. If he wasn’t going to eat, he might as well give his dinner to someone else. Honestly, wasting food like this should be illegal. His chest must have been hurting again, because he grimaced and gave it a placating rub. “Do you think that’ll hurt my chances of becoming an officer?”
No , thought Coriolanus, But your concave chest and lack of a backbone probably will.
Speaking of absent backbones, Bug sighed. “I just don’t know why we had to shoot them,” he lamented, cutting into his steak, “Or bother them at all. I think they’d be happier in the woods.”
Oh, please. They were animals. Maybe they didn’t even know how to be happy: their brains were probably too small. Coriolanus was happy. Even if it was just by a handful, there were less mockingjays in the skies than there were yesterday. But they’d be back. Coriolanus would be too, because there would probably be more cullings and concussions didn’t last forever.
“Was it any different?” Beanpole blurted. He nodded to Sejanus. “Shooting the mockingjay, I mean. Did it feel the same as shooting a person?”
Coriolanus held his breath. He and Sejanus would be performing this two-man show for the rest of their lives. How long would it take before they actually began to believe it?
Sejanus lowered his fork. He and Coriolanus locked eyes for a breath, before his gaze shifted to Beanpole. “It felt awful,” he confessed, “Both times. It’s always going to feel awful, and I can’t wait to never have to do it again.”
He sounded delightfully convincing.
Maybe they’d even make it to old age.
“I’m glad you did it,” said Coriolanus. His words carried a second meaning that only Sejanus could understand. “I don’t know if I’d be here if you hadn’t.” He nudged his friend’s leg with his boot. Then, startled, he wondered when he started to consider Sejanus his friend.
The kitchen doors swung open, and Cookie arrived with the cake.
It was enormous, and unlike any that Coriolanus had seen before. The cakes back home were square and spongy, and ornamented with icing flowers and decorative pearls. This, on the other hand, was wide and round. It had about five thin layers of cake with some sort of thick filling. It was sparsely frosted, with only a dollop of buttercream on top. They ordered it from that bakery in town, so it must have been a local recipe. Everyone cheered and clinked their mugs as Commander Hoff cut the first piece.
After dessert, the Peacekeepers filed into the gymnasium. It was decorated for the celebration. Whiskey flowed as freely as the colorful banners and flags, and several impromptu (and slightly drunken) toasts were made. Coriolanus listened to them with disinterest. All he could think about was Lucy Gray. Did anyone actually want to hear about the Commander’s embarrassing Academy stories? Yawn. Bring out the real entertainment, why don’t you?
Bring out his girl .
What felt like a lifetime later, people finally began setting up chairs. The first row had been reserved for the Commander and his inner circle, and the following three rows were for senior officers. Coriolanus and his little battalion settled in the center of the fourth row. It wasn’t close enough. He wanted to be in front of the Commander’s seat. Close enough to count Lucy Gray’s eyelashes, or reach out and kiss his fingertips over the hem of her dress.
“I hope they sing that sunny side one again,” whispered Bug to Coriolanus as the overhead lights began to dim. “That’s my favorite.”
Coriolanus couldn’t relate. In fact, he hoped Maude Ivory never sang that song again.
The gymnasium fell into darkness, and the crowd into silence. A single row of lights hung over the front of the gym, where the Covey’s blanket had been draped behind the microphone.
Something inside Coriolanus started buzzing. His heart pounded, and any moisture that he had in his mouth had moved to his hands, leaving them clammy. No girl had ever made him this weak before, and no girl ever would again. There was only Lucy Gray. The real, true love of his life. And she was here , probably in the locker room or tucked behind the blanket.
Maude Ivory skipped towards the microphone in a buttercup yellow dress. She hopped up onto one of the crates. She was wearing her new boots, and someone–probably Lucy Gray or Barb Azure–had braided her hair with pink ribbons.
“Hey there, everybody!” she squeaked, swinging her legs happily, “Tonight is a special night, and you know why! It’s somebody’s birthday!”
Loud applause broke out among the Peacekeepers. Conducting them proudly with her little hands, Maude Ivory led them through the classic birthday song. Coriolanus hadn’t heard it since the Ring twins’ birthday party in June, just a few weeks before the Games. Just before they were killed. At least they got to celebrate one last time, even if the cupcakes they served were a little dry.
Happy birthday
To someone special!
And we wish you many more!
Once a year
We give a cheer
To you, Commander Hoff!
Happy birthday!
It was a short song. But, at Maude Ivory’s instruction, they sang it three times as the Covey took their places on stage one at a time. Tam Amber came first with his mandolin, followed by Clerk Carmine and his fiddle and Barb Azure hauling her massive bass.
Coriolanus held his breath.
Lucy Gray twirled out onto the stage in a swirl of color. He realized immediately that she had on her dress from the Arena, and gasped along with the crowd of awed Peacekeepers. They probably thought she’d put it on for the Commander, but Coriolanus knew better. It had to be for him. Each rainbow ruffle carried its own message for him to decipher.
Love overwhelmed him like an avalanche. She was reaching for his eyes because she couldn’t take his hand. This was a reminder–a promise that she was still here with him, and that she always would be.
Once again, their desperation for survival had brought them together. For just a few, terrifying minutes, the shed behind the Hob had become their Arena. The pillars of their future were collapsing all around them, and when Coriolanus found himself pinned to the ground, Lucy Gray was there. She saved him. She would never stop saving him.
The Covey performed together for half an hour, but all Coriolanus could only look at her. His beautiful Lucy Gray–his love, his savior, his champion–spun across the stage as if she were dancing on a cloud.
As if she were flying.
One by one, the band cleared out until Lucy Gray stood alone in the light. She hopped up onto a tall stool and smoothed out her dress. Her eyes scanned the crowd. Coriolanus wanted to stand up. He wanted to run across the gymnasium, climb onto the stage, and kiss her. But all he could do was sit, and hope he caught her attention.
He did, and Lucy Gray brightened from the inside out.
If there was any doubt as to who all of this was for, it vanished the second she reached down and patted her pocket. Coriolanus almost forgot how to breathe. Their secret signal. She’d done it in the Arena to tell him she was thinking of him. It meant that whether there was a room between them or half a city, they were together. They were living in the same moment, hearts beating in unison across space. She was blowing him a kiss from the stage, in a language only they understood.
Coriolanus caught it, held it close, and listened as she began to sing a song he hadn’t heard before.
Everyone’s born as clean as a whistle–
As fresh as a daisy
And not a bit crazy.
Staying that way’s a hard row for hoeing–
As rough as a briar,
Like walking through fire.
Sejanus leaned over and bumped Coriolanus with his shoulder. “Sounds like a new one,” he whispered, “Maybe she wrote it for someone special.”
Coriolanus knew it was true. He needed it to be true. Lucy Gray’s last muse was dead and disgraced. She loved Coriolanus right now, and would never love anyone else. It was time for her to show the world who she really belonged to.
This world, it’s dark,
And this world, it’s scary.
I’ve taken a few hits, so
No wonder I’m wary.
It’s why I
Need you–
You’re as pure as the driven snow.
There was no denying it now. Lucy Gray had written this song for him. His last name sounded so beautiful falling from her lips that he wanted to give it to her.
Everyone wants to be like a hero–
The cake with the cream, or
The doer not dreamer.
Doing’s hard work,
It takes time to change things–
Like goat’s milk to butter,
Like ice blocks to water.
Coriolanus wasn’t quite sure what it meant to be “the cake with the cream”, but the other references were clear. Shamus had been grazing at Lucy Gray’s feet the day he found her in the meadow, and he dropped the bag of ice as he moved to kiss her. It didn’t matter where she flew. She could leave District 12, she could leave Panem. She could vanish to the other side of the world, but he would find her. He would always find her.
The world goes blind
When children are dying.
I turn to dust, but you never stop trying.
It’s why I
Love you–
You’re as pure as the driven snow.
Tears burned his eyes. Lucy Gray needed him. Lucy Gray loved him. She had killed to protect him without even thinking about it. She had to know that he would do the same for her. Coriolanus risked everything to save her in the Games, and she risked everything to save him in the shed. Lucy Gray Baird was his hero, and he was hers.
Cold and clean,
Swirling over my skin,
You cloak me.
You soak right in,
Down to my heart.
To her heart.
Something deep inside his chest told him to sob, but he held it back. This moment, perfect as it was, didn’t belong to them. They were in a room full of his superiors and peers. He couldn’t just start crying at his boss’s birthday party, could he? But he also couldn’t hold back the tears that threatened to spill over. How could he? Lucy Gray had his heart in the palm of her hand.
Everyone thinks they know all about me.
They slap me with labels.
They spit out their fables.
You came along, you knew it was lying.
You saw the ideal me,
And yes, that’s the real me.
Yes, he had seen Lucy Gray. And after he’d seen her, he had little interest in seeing anything else. What was the point of nice views and pretty sunsets? Even the greatest works of art looked like a child’s drawing compared to her.
This world, it’s cruel,
With troubles aplenty.
You asked for a reason–
I’ve got three and twenty.
For why I
Trust you–
You’re as pure as the driven snow.
Three and twenty. Twenty three. Twenty three tributes, twenty three obstacles between Lucy Gray and surviving the Games. And he had saved her from them, each and every one. Every breath she took was because of him– for him.
That’s why I
Trust you–
You’re as pure as the driven snow.
Trust. It was more important to her than anything else. More than love, more than need. Lucy Gray’s eyes found Coriolanus in the crowd, and she smiled on the final word. She had just taken the most precious part of her and placed it into his hands.
Coriolanus would take good care of it. He would do anything, anything she wanted, in order to ensure she would never give it to anyone else.
Applause erupted from every corner of the gymnasium, and Coriolanus could have sworn he saw Commander Hoff wiping his eyes. Lucy Gray slipped from the stool and gave a radiant bow as the rest of the Covey jogged onstage. Moments before she disappeared behind the blanket, she patted her pocket again. The message was clear: come and find me .
Coriolanus slipped out of his row as subtly as possible as Maude Ivory bounced back onto her crate and began to sing.
Well, there’s a dark and a troubled side of life.
There’s a bright and sunny side too.
Had Lucy Gray told them? Did all of the Covey know about what happened that night in the shed? About the role she’d played? No. She couldn’t have. Billy Taupe was Clerk Carmine’s brother–and she loved that little boy too much to ever tell him the truth. The secret was theirs alone. It always would be.
Coriolanus slipped out of the gymnasium towards the locker room. His heart pounded as he knocked on the door. It flew open quickly, with almost enough force to rip it off the hinges.
Lucy Gray threw herself into his arms.
They stood there, clinging to each other for as long as they liked. The storm had passed. They had nothing but time.
“Are you all right?” she asked, leaning back to cradle his face in her hand. “I was worried sick when you didn’t come to see me, but Sejanus came and told me you were in the hospital.”
“I’m fine.” Coriolanus tilted his face towards the warmth of her skin, pressing a kiss to her palm. “That doesn’t matter now.” He paused. “Was it for me?” he asked. He knew the answer. She had made her message abundantly clear. But he needed to hear her say it.
“Of course it was for you.” Lucy Gray rubbed her thumb over his cheekbone softly. “I thought you’d have gotten it by now.”
“Gotten what?”
Lucy Gray stretched up on her toes. She pressed her forehead to his and closed her eyes. “It’s all for you,” she whispered, “It’s always been for you.”
Coriolanus gathered her in his arms and kissed her.
It was different than any kiss they’d shared before, and he found that once he started, he wasn’t able to stop. Each time they drew away from each other to breathe, he hauled Lucy Gray right back in. Her body was soft and yielding against him, and her touch drew goosebumps from his arms the way she drew melodies from her guitar. It drew out something else, too. Something gnawing and all-consuming that started low in his stomach and tore him open from the inside out.
Starvation.
Coriolanus gripped her waist. Every time he kissed her, he felt like he was going crazier. He was light-headed, mostly from the lack of oxygen but also from the intoxicating fog of her. She overwhelmed his senses. The smell of her hair. The fluttering sound of her breath. The taste of a quick shot of whiskey in her mouth. Her lips sliding across his own, her hands on his face, her body practically humming against his. Coriolanus couldn’t see anything, as it was unbecoming to kiss someone with your eyes wide open. And weird . But it felt like he had stars dancing behind his eyelids. It had to cool down sooner or later. He was melting, and if Lucy Gray kept kissing him like this there might not be any of him left.
He had to let her go.
Never for good, just for now.
Coriolanus stumbled back and leaned against the wall of lockers for support. What was that ? He wanted more of that– needed more of that. But it would have to do for now. There were other things to attend to.
“Did you tell anyone?” he asked, panting, “About the other night?”
Lucy Gray brought her hand to her chest as she tried to catch her breath. She looked at him like she was confused, and then shook her head. “‘Course not. And I never will, not even the Covey.” She pulled her arms towards herself, wrapping them protectively around her body. “Makes me sick lying to them, but…I couldn’t do that to CC.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I can’t believe I did it at all…”
The heavy atmosphere between them dissipated. She wasn’t seriously mourning Billy Taupe, was she? Was there a part of her that still loved him? No , Coriolanus told himself, there couldn’t possibly be . Billy Taupe had broken her heart, her trust. He had endangered her life—no, more than that. He had sent her to die .
And then he died at her hand.
Coriolanus reached for her. “Lucy Gray”—
“Don’t ask me if I regret it.” Sighing, Lucy Gray plopped down onto one of the many benches scattered throughout the locker room. She looked down at her beautiful hands again. Hands that could touch so softly, but could also kill so quickly. Hands that could create beautiful music, but weaponize the nearest reptile. Hands that were now his, and only his, to hold. “I don’t regret it, not for one second, I just…I’m just like them.” She burst into tears. “I’m just like them!” she cried, pale and shaking like she might be sick. Just like who? Spruce and Billy Taupe? Coriolanus wanted to ask, but she dropped her head into her hands and sobbed. It was an awful, guttural sound, like the gurgle of a wounded animal. They could talk about it later. Right now, he had to do whatever he could to stop the tears.
Coriolanus knelt on the ground between her feet. “Oh, Lucy Gray…” Carefully, he took her hands and pulled them from her tearful eyes. “Look at me.” He reached into his pocket to retrieve a handkerchief he’d brought from home. He folded it and carefully wiped Lucy Gray’s cheeks. “You did what you had to do, just like in the Arena.” The soft fabric caught a fresh tear as it rolled from her eye. She was beautiful when she cried. But when she smiled, she was exquisite. “And you saved me, Lucy Gray…” Coriolanus smiled at her softly. “I’m still here because of you.” Wasn’t that enough of a reason to forgive herself and move on?
Lucy Gray shook her head. “It never gets easier,” she whispered, echoing Sejanus’s disingenuous sentiment from earlier, “Every time, it just—feels the same.”
When Coriolanus killed Bobbin, he remembered feeling powerful. He felt almost drunk with the knowledge that just for a moment, the rules of life and death were his to play with. It wasn’t exactly fun—and he didn’t want to do it again anytime soon—but there was a part of him that had enjoyed it. He had always assumed that there was something wrong with Sejanus and his aversion to violence. He thought it was a character flaw, a sign of weakness. But Lucy Gray—strong, fierce Lucy Gray—had killed four people and could barely talk about it without crying.
For the first time, Coriolanus wondered if there could possibly be something wrong with him .
“I know,” he shushed. He propped his fist under Lucy Gray’s chin and tilted her head towards him. “And you’ll never have to do it again. I promise . I won’t let that happen. You protected me, and now it’s my turn to protect you.”
Lucy Gray nodded slowly. “Okay,” she whispered. A tear dropped from one of her long, beautiful eyelashes and splashed onto his wrist. “I trust you. Always have—ever since the train station.”
There it was again: his adoration for her, swallowing him whole. Coriolanus had thought he was losing his mind, but tonight’s display had proven that she felt the same. She was in as deep as he was.
“And I”—The words flew from his lips before he could stop them— “I love you, Lucy Gray.” Coriolanus pushed her hair behind her ear. “Always have…ever since the train station.”
It should have felt humiliating, bearing his heart to her like that. Until Lucy Gray, Coriolanus had assumed he’d never feel that strongly about anyone. He always saw himself entering a tepid, politically advantageous marriage to one of the girls in his class. They’d have a lavish wedding and a few children, but he would not love her. He could grow to be fond of her, sure, but love ? Not a chance. Love was dangerous. It was a liability. And if he was to become Coriolanus Snow, President of Panem, he couldn’t have a single weakness.
But maybe he didn’t want to become Coriolanus Snow, President of Panem.
What if he could just be Coriolanus Snow, Lucy Gray’s boyfriend? Her hero. The man she needed, loved, and trusted more than anyone else in the world. What if he could stay right here, in this very moment, for the rest of his life?
Lucy Gray smiled. Even with her cheeks raw and her nose dripping, she was beautiful. “Do you, now?” She took his hands. “Well, you’re luckier than a ladybird in an old shoe.”
“What?” A chuckle rolled out of him. His girl said the strangest, sweetest, stupidest things—and he loved her. He was almost giddy. His head was spinning, his heart pounding. And the floor was a little hard on his knees. It was probably disgusting, too.
“What I’m trying to say, Coriolanus Snow,” Lucy Gray reprimanded. She brought his hands to her lips and kissed them. “Is that I love you too.” She smiled. “I meant what I said, y’know. Back then, before the Games?”
“You said a lot of things to me before the Games.” Coriolanus squeezed her hands. “And I have a head injury right now, so…” He leaned forward and gave her a gentle kiss. “Won’t you remind me?”
Lucy Gray nudged him with her foot. “I know you remember, you old honey-talker.” She was one to talk. Lucy Gray Baird, the charmer of both men and snakes alike. She softly guided his hand to her chest, right over her heart. And yes, a thrill shuddered through him at the thought of his hand resting so close to her breasts. It happened to every man–or, most men. And some women. That was humanity undressed. Or, more accurately, humanity wanting to be undressed. “I said that the only boy my heart has a sweet spot for is you.”
Lucy Gray had more than just a sweet spot in his heart. She had the whole thing.
A loud wave of applause rose from the gymnasium. Coriolanus looked back at the locker room door. How long had they been in here? The show was probably over. He rose to his feet, and gave Lucy Gray’s hand one last squeeze.
“I have to go.”
Lucy Gray grinned. She was a burst of sunshine–the light of his life. She leaned back against the bench with a fond roll of her eyes. “Oh, if you must,” she sighed, feigning disinterest. Her eyes were sparkling. “Come to the woods with me on Saturday. There’s blackberries along the treeline and they’re just about ready to fall off the bush. Probably the last of the season, too. Barb Azure likes to can them.”
Coriolanus nodded. “I’ll ask the Commander if I can borrow a basket,” he joked. He slipped out the door, and wished he could take Lucy Gray’s twinkling laughter with him.
He floated back to the barracks on a cloud. This had been the perfect night, and exactly what he needed after the stress of the last few days.
Bug, Smiley, and Beanpole collapsed into bed immediately, draped awkwardly and drunkenly in their bunks. Sejanus stayed. He climbed out of his fatigues and turned them right-side in before dropping them in the hamper. What did it matter if the clothes were right-side in or inside out? They were going to get washed either way. He and Coriolanus grabbed their pajamas and began getting ready for bed.
“So…” Sejanus pulled his shirt over his head. “Did you have fun?”
Coriolanus shrugged. “It was all right.”
“Just all right?” he asked with a smile that told Coriolanus he had been caught. “I saw you slip into the locker room. And you have something right…” He rubbed his thumb against the corner of his mouth. “You’ve got some lipstick right here.”
“Oh…” Coriolanus scrubbed at his face. When he pulled his hand away he found that yes, there was a glossy pink smear on his palm. He smiled and climbed into his bunk. “Like I said, it was all right. Goodnight, Sejanus.”
Sejanus chuckled in the dark. “Goodnight.”