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They didn’t have bedrooms or a designated place to sleep. It didn’t really seem necessary when you could just put some wool or a bunch of leaves or dirt down for a pillow and pass out for an hour before the anxiety kicked back in and woke you up. Phil didn’t get a lot of sleep. None of them did. After the first few days of being spawn camped, the ones of them that had been killed more times than they had fingers were more on edge than the rest of them, and that was saying something.
After Charlie and Baghera hadn’t slept for two days, Phil took it as his personal task to help them rest as much as they could. He dug out a small cave further and deeper into their hill, hiding the entrance around a corner behind a few empty chests. If anyone from the other teams got that far it wouldn’t be that hard to see past the cheap distraction, but he hoped that his teammates wouldn’t think that far ahead before getting some rest. He put a lantern down in the center of the room and brought small brush inside in piles: leaves, grass, whatever he could find that was soft to provide any small piece of comfort. If they managed to find some sheep maybe they could make some blankets, but he didn’t have high hopes for that.
He went back outside to find them right where he’d expected to see them, seated around the campfire; the only thing that had stayed stable and running since day one. They were talking amongst themselves as friends did, but Phil noticed the nervous twitch in Jaiden’s and Baghera’s wings when the wind blew too hard, and the way Charlie’s head snapped to any noise he didn’t immediately recognize, or just the now routine check over his shoulder to make sure Bad hadn’t come back for him. Phil didn’t speak loudly, but it was enough to garner all of their attention.
“Come inside.”
Baghera’s face fell. “What’s wrong now?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Phil said immediately, trying to soften the crestfallen look on her face. “I made something for you guys.”
They all got to their feet and followed him. They didn’t seem to know what to make of the tiny room at first.
“I made a safe spot for you to rest.”
There wasn’t much to investigate, but investigate they did, looking at the piles of brush and leaving the cubby hole before reappearing around the corner.
“It’s hidden and I’ll be right outside keeping watch while you rest.” Hidden was a strong word and Phil felt almost as tired as he knew they had to be, but they needed this more.
Charlie didn’t need much convincing. He hardly got a thanks out before he laid down on the brush alongside one wall of the room and promptly closed his eyes.
“You sure, you’re okay?” Baghera asked. She looked at him like she knew how tired he was, like she knew he teetering on the edge of the cliffside with broken wings.
He nodded with a soft smile. “The others will be back soon. Don’t worry.” It was such bullshit telling her not to worry. Of course, she should worry. No matter what reputation Phil might’ve had, if anyone on an opposing team saw him outside by himself, he’d become target number one, and if there were three or more of them there was no way he’d be able to fight them off.
Nevertheless, Baghera nodded and laid down along the opposite wall. She ruffled her wings a bit, finding a comfortable position before she stilled. Her wings needed cleaning. All of their wings did, but there hadn’t been adequate time or ability to stop and tend to them. None of them were capable of flight anyway, so maybe there wasn’t a point.
“I can stay up with you, Phil.”
That was probably a good idea. He should probably take her up on that so it was more than one of them on guard.
He looked at Jaiden, her face stained with dirt and blood, and her hair only partially still held up with an elastic he wasn’t immediately sure how he’d replace when it snapped. “I’m fine. Get some sleep while you can.”
She just smiled, a beaming smile that had only traces of the emotions she was trying to convey. “I’m fine!”
Phil reached over and pushed aside some of her bangs. They stuck together, dried in some amalgamation of blood and sweat. Only Jaiden could go through all of this and still put on her best smile. “Go to sleep,” he repeated. “Things have quieted down. No one’s getting past me, I promise,” he said with fake confidence. If being a father and a leader in the past had taught him any skill, it was the ability to pull confidence out of his ass when needed.
Her smile wavered. “And… If I can’t?”
“Just close your eyes and breathe deeply for a few minutes. If you can’t fall asleep, I’ll be right outside.”
She finally nodded her head and turned to find a spot in the makeshift nest. She pulled up some of the brush around her to make a bigger pillow and laid down, and only when she’d taken a deep breath and closed her eyes did Phil leave.
The other came back before any of the other teams came around. They came with some food and supplies that Phil helped them put away. There wasn’t much for organization but organization had never been one of Phil’s priorities anywhere he’d ever been.
Phil was outside sitting by the campfire with Carre a few hours later when Jaiden came wandering cautiously outside the cave. They’d been lucky to have a quiet few hours, and Phil hoped the next few hours could be quiet as well before they were forced to gear up again.
“Did you sleep well?”
Jaiden nodded as she came to sit with them by the fire. “Yeah, actually. Thanks. I didn’t think a bunch of grass and leaves could be so comfortable,” she said with a strained laugh.
“Do you want to clean?” Carre asked
She looked at him with a confused smile that showed off her exhaustion. He had a feeling that it’d take a lot more than a few hours of sleep to pick them up from this. “Clean?” she asked like the prospect of cleaning anything was preposterous.
“Your feathers.”
“Carre and I were thinking of having a little group preening session,” Phil added. Sure, they were in hell (well, purgatory), but if they did leave their wings unattended for much longer it’d start to hurt when they did go to preen themselves.
Jaiden tentatively spread a wing, turning her head to look at it. There were missing feathers, making a misshapen shape. Her vibrant blue and violet feathers were caked with mud and blood. If it was purposeful the colors might’ve looked cool like a bird just coming into their mature feathers. He wondered if her wings had looked like that when she’d been a child.
“We should wait for Baghera,” she said, and Phil recognized that unsteadiness in her limbs, in the numb way she fingered a few feathers and the shaky way she pulled her wing back to herself.
Carre pulled a water bottle from the pocket of his hoodie, cut up and dirty like they’d been camping in the wilderness for weeks instead of a few days, and offered it to Jaiden.
She took it and uncorked the bottle to take a few sips before replacing the cork and handing it back. “Gracias.”
“De nada.”
Jaiden sat with them at the fire. They passed a bit of food around that was a day or so away from spoiling and laughed at anything and everything. If they were good at anything, they were good at finding the tiny things to lighten their moods. He’d give anything for a flute.
Cellbit and Foolish had joined them by the time Baghera came outside, rubbing at her eyes. She was excited for a bath when they offered. Her wings ruffled, fluffing up at the prospect as she nodded aggressively.
“Family bath?” Foolish asked, his voice lilting upwards in some kind of genuine excitement they hadn’t heard in a while.
“Yeah, come on.” Phil got to his feet, carefully stretching to not accidentally strain something. “Someone want to wake up Charlie?”
“I got it!” Foolish ran back inside the hill, his shouting faintly heard from outside until Charlie’s abrupt scream joined with Foolish’s laughter.
They all walked down to the lake nearby and Phil could almost imagine that it was just a normal day. Was it a sound choice to leave most of their weapons back at their base? Maybe not, but at this point they were past caring. If they died, they died. Add it to the score total. Phil brought up the back of the group, keeping watch for anyone on the horizon or hiding over hills. Together, they were more fearsome, but they were still outnumbered if an entire team came at them or god forbid a mix of both teams like they had before.
Baghera was the first to run into the water when they got to the lake. It was a pretty small lake, more like a pond than anything, but it was more than enough. Baghera dumped the little armor she had and everything on her on the shore and ran straight in, jumping into the water with her wings outspread, flapping and splashing all the rest of them with cool water. Foolish and Charlie joined her and it was like all the events of the past few days had melted away. Phil stood at the edge, slowly taking his armor off but hesitant to disarm himself. Someone should be ready in case they were ambushed.
Phil jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder. He turned to Cellbit who wore a weary smile he gave to Phil. “Come on,” he said like a quiet pleading, and Phil gave in. He took a heavy breath and relieved himself of his tools and supplies before he and Cellbit walked into the water, joining everyone else who’d quickly devolved into a battle to make the biggest splash.
“Hey, Baghera!” Their laughter was contagious. Phil couldn’t help the smile stretching over his face. He missed this carelessness. It took a few more shouts to garner Baghera’s attention enough to wave her over.
She swam over, gliding through the water effortlessly. It was quite beautiful. She sat in the water in front of him, just the top half of her head above the surface.
“You want some help with the feathers?”
She nodded and stood up in the shallower water, turning her back to Phil. They moved into the slightly deeper water before they started. Baghera gently spread her golden wings. They were longer proportionally than Phil’s, made for longer flights. The packed dirt and dust were now wet and muddy; Phil wasn’t sure if it made it easier or harder to clean.
“Jaiden! Carre!”
Phil glanced up to see the other two avians stop to see Baghera waving them over. They both swam over, not as gracefully as Baghera, though he doubted any of them could compete with a duck in water, maybe only Foolish.
Jaiden walked the remaining distance when she could reach the floorbed. “Are we having a preening circle?”
Phil instinctively held his wings closer, his tail feathers flexing closer together and smaller. He’d let his wings out mostly because his cape had better uses as material for other things in their fight to survive on this hellscape, but no one needed to see the extent of the damage. “Maybe not a circle.”
“Are you sure?” Carre asked.
Phil nodded and looked back to Baghera’s wings. He didn’t have to devote energy to hiding if he wasn’t looking directly at him even if he could feel his lingering gaze.
“Come here!” Baghera splashed the water in front of her gently and Carre swam over in front of her, crouching lower in the water. Phil saw Baghera quietly attend to Carre over her shoulder. “Do you have feathers and fur?”
“Yes.”
“That’s so cute!”
Jaiden came slowly over. Phil looked up and saw Carre nervously reaching out. “Do you want me to… Do you want help to clean your wings?”
He saw Jaiden smile quietly and nodded, slowly extending her wings to Carre.
It was something else, all of them so comfortable enough to help each other with their wings. Phil wasn’t sure how he felt about the other potentially touching his own, but he glad that Baghera trusted him enough to let him help.
The other boys were playing in the deeper parts of the pond, tackling each other into the water and playing sharks and minnows as one of them swam underwater, attacking the others with as much surprise as was possible in the small area.
Dirt and mud disguised the blood caked into Baghera’s feathers. Each feather needed its own attention, rubbing the grime and blood out that filtered out into the water. He pulled out loose feathers and ones hanging by a thread. He skipped over the ones that needed plucking and the few that were broken. They’d do that after if she wanted. It wasn’t a painless process. It’d been a while since he’d cleaned someone else’s feathers. It was easier than cleaning his own where he had to bend and stretch to reach the smaller and more central feathers and preen until he was sure they were clean or had to use a couple mirrors to try to catch a glimpse of them. Cleaning Baghera’s wings was easy and calming. It made him feel like a father again like they really were his kids to take care of.
He hardly heard what Baghera was saying at first. Something about Carre, and Cellbit spoke up. He looked up and Cellbit was swimming over. Carre left their little lineup and stood with Cellbit close by. He watched, his fingers carefully moving over Baghera’s flight feathers, as Carre hesitantly spread his wings to Cellbit who stood behind him and started cleaning. It was a bit difficult to see in the growing glare of the sunset. Was he seeing fur? Or was he just that tired that his vision of blurring? Baghera had mentioned fur, right? Yeah. Right, Cellbit would be more familiar with how to clean fur.
He looked up, yelling over to the other two. “Hey, Charlie, Foolish! You guys want to light up the area? There’s torches with my stuff.”
“Yeah, sure, Phil!”
“You got it!”
The two of them raced to the shore, shoving each other out of the way to get there first, earning a boisterous laugh from Jaiden.
Phil gently moved Baghera’s wings in his hands, looking for the feathers hidden away escaping preening. “I think I got them all.”
Baghera stopped working on Jaiden’s wings and spread her own. She gave them a small flap, the ends of her contours brushing over Phil’s face. She looked back at him and beamed. “Thanks, Dad!”
Phil laughed, a loud laugh that came straight from his chest. He patted her head. “You’re welcome.”
She went back to finishing helping Jaiden as Charlie and Foolish started littering the surrounding area with torches. If they were lucky enough, it would prevent mobs from coming their way. Carre and Cellbit were nearby and had switched positions, Carre not attending to the fur-like hair on Cellbit’s head.
“Do you need help, Phil?”
Both the girls were looking at him then. They’d finished apparently. Baghera was attending to her tail feathers, half of her attention waiting on Phil’s answer.
Phil opened his mouth to answer but was at a loss for words. “Sure,” he landed on and immediately regretted it. Jaiden beamed and Phil slowly turned around and extended one wing. He breathed manually, counting his breaths that became more and more shallow as moments passed.
“Phil…”
Phil wanted to collapse at that one word from Baghera. He hadn’t shown anyone his wings in so long. He kept them from the kids and didn’t let others see them, let alone touch them. Bad had helped him once and Fit had seen them a few times without any commentary. He’d let Forever see them once and he’d been in awe and he’d felt such a mess of emotions he’d wanted to hide away in a hole and cry. They weren’t glorious, they weren’t beautiful, but they hadn’t known that. He couldn’t have expected them to know that if they hadn’t seen wings before. But Baghera and Jaiden knew. They knew damaged wings when they saw them.
He flinched uncontrollably when he first felt her fingers brush against his feathers. Baghera slowly waded around to his front and he didn’t look at her at first. He didn’t want her to see his eyes that he knew were red even if he hadn’t shed any tears. He was supposed to be their leader. He had to be strong for them.
“Phil?”
He kept his breathing steady. He could do this. He could be fine. He wouldn’t actually be fine. He hadn’t been fine in a while, but he could act fine for them.
He looked up and saw Baghera looking at him as if she were about to cry. “It’s okay,” he rushed to say, reaching out to her. “I’m fine.” He put on a smile. “I’ll be okay.”
She held his arms in hers, his performance not changing a thing. “How long- How long have you been hurt?”
His smile wavered.
“Please let us help.”
He nodded. He didn’t realize at first how tightly he was holding onto Baghera as Jaiden started cleaning the dirt and blood out of his wings. He forced himself to let go, muttering an apology.
“It’s okay. Don’t worry,” she said and she smiled, and Phil smiled back just for her.
He felt unsteady on his feet. If they hadn’t been standing in waist-high water, he might’ve lost his balance already. His tail twitched in the water and he felt his feathers flick over Jaiden’s legs. She didn’t say anything, just continued working.
It was a longer process. He knew some of his softer feathers were matted and he felt the twinge and pull as Jaiden got there, and he felt her hesitance.
“You don’t have to do those spots,” he said, but that only seemed to motivate her to continue. He felt her slowly and softly massage the area until she was able to straighten it out. He was quite impressed with how much she did, and how much better it felt before she moved on to new areas. She stopped suddenly closer to the center and Phil knew what she was seeing, what had been a pain to care for while it’d healed into a scar.
“Is this,” she started hesitantly. “Is this from the nightmare, Phil?”
He nodded his head.
Baghera’s face twisted into a question. “Nightmare?”
“I was ambushed by a nightmare stalker a few months ago; six months maybe?” He got quieter but he couldn’t make himself talk any louder. “It was before we were able to get any decent armor or weapons. I hadn’t even seen or heard of it before. I think it knocked me down in two hits.” He’d never forget barely clocking those eyes before he’s been hit. He didn’t even want to mention what had happened- what had nearly permanently happened to Chayanne and Tallulah. He could deal with anything happening to him, but when he’d had to watch them inches away from him and not been able to do anything, had watched Chayanne fight off the monster while he couldn’t do anything…
He realized he was leaning more on Baghera. She held him close and let him use her as support and he pretended like he hadn’t realized how much he was leaning on her then. He took advantage of her in that moment. He fell into her embrace, resting his head on her shoulder, her hair still wet.
Jaiden did a good job. Phil had forgotten how calming it was to have someone clean his wings, like someone playing with your hair. He could tell she was distracted, though. She skipped here and there and came back to spots she’d previously worked on.
“Have you guys ever, you know,” she asked, almost muttering. “Flown? Like, flown as an adult with your full-grown feathers.”
“Yeah.”
“Trust me,” Phil said, “I’d be flying everywhere if my wings weren’t fucked up.”
There was only silence from Jaiden.
“Jaiden?”
Phil felt her stop. He felt her fingers traipse over his contour feathers that filled out the shape of his wings.
“I’ve never actually flown before,” she whispered, a secret just between the three of them.
Phil loosened his grip on Baghera and turned to look at Jaiden. “What do you mean?”
She wrapped her wings around herself, fiddling with a blue primary feather. She looked down at her reflection in the water, the flickering light of the torches rippling in the reflection of the water beside her. “I’ve never flown before.”
Phil couldn’t wrap his mind around that. She’d never flown? How had she never flown? He looked at Baghera and saw she had en equally puzzled and shocked expression on her face.
“How have you never flown before? Did you not learn?”
Jaiden was quiet. They watched her hem and haw at what to say. “I don’t think they wanted me to fly.”
“They?”
Her wings closed around her, her vibrant feathers shining in the torchlight. “I um. I- I think I learned how to fly, as a kid, but they clipped my wings, and I wasn’t allowed to fly.” Her voice stuttered like she was choking on her words. “I don’t know, if, if I even can fly.”
Philza tentatively reached out with an offer, and Jaiden hesitated for a moment before accepting. She pulled her wings back just enough to accept Phil’s hug. She put her head on his shoulder while she lowered her wings. Baghera came closer, asking to join and Phil moved one of his arms to be around her.
Phil looked up when he heard someone wading in the water closer to them. “Hey!” Cellbit called. “Everything okay?”
Phil nodded. “Just give us a minute.”
Cellbit stopped and looked over them a moment before he nodded and slowly headed back.
Jaiden pulled back, rubbing at her eyes without looking at either of them. “It’s stupid, right? I don’t even know what I’m missing.”
“It’s not stupid,” Baghera answered immediately. “It was stolen from you. You should be upset.”
“She’s right.” Phil tilted his head, trying to see Jaiden’s face under her wet bangs. “It’s never stupid to be upset, especially over something so personal.”
Jaiden laughed, a small, shaky laugh that would’ve betrayed how she trembled if they hadn’t been already in each other’s arms. “Thanks, I guess.” She looked up at the two of them. “Do you think, you could teach me?”
They both nodded immediately and Phil saw the tiny seed of hope bloom in her eyes.
“Let me see,” Phil said, motioning to her wing.
She spread it out and turned as Philza instructed her. Phil looked at the base of his wings while he asked her flex. A request to touch her wings was met with a fervent nod. With just a look it was painfully obvious she’d barely flown. Her flight muscles were barely there. There was the natural decrease in muscle mass when not in use, but it pained him to see her in such a state.
“You’ll need to do a lot of training first, and I mean a lot,” he said. “You need a lot of muscles to fly, which you do,” he said earning a light-hearted laugh. “But your flight muscles aren’t built up. He turned his side to her, opening and flexing his wing. “See the muscles flexing there?”
She nodded. “Yeah!”
He looked back at Jaiden and briefly touched the base of her wings just enough to give her the idea, moving around her torso. “You need to build up these muscles first.” She nodded a new fire in her eyes.
“I can show you my stretches,” Baghera offered.
Jaiden was practically buzzing, and nodded her head. “Yes, yes, yes, please!”
“I can show you the strength training I do, Jaiden,” Phil said. “Though, you might have to build up to some of them.”
“Of course, of course.”
None of their apprehension reached her, and if it did she didn’t care. He understood that well. If someone told him he had to race through hell with bare supplies and nothing to his name to heal his wings, he’d do it. He’d do this hell trial for twice as long by himself if it’d help him fly again. The spark in Jaiden’s eyes gave him hope. He couldn’t promise her that she’d be able to fly under her own power, if she’d be able to embark on long flights high in the sky just for the sake of it, but the hope was there, and in a place like this, that’s all they really needed.