Chapter Text
From the moment he had met them, all he ever wanted was to be able to save them from all of the hurt and fear that came with the life they’d been forced to live. As young as they were, the four of them had known this life for a lot longer than the young siren had, he was in way over his head and didn’t even know why they turned to him for guidance, yet he still longed to be someone important to them, someone they could look up to and be proud of.
He wanted it so badly that he was sure he would be able to do anything for them. They had so much to live for, so many things to do and see and experience for themselves, they were so incredibly young.
Where did everything go wrong?
Their cries were louder than he had ever heard them and their pleas weighed heavily on Seonghwa’s fragile heart. He couldn’t breathe, big, strong hands wrapped tightly around the small boy’s frail throat with an iron grip. The children were not capable of anything other than watching with horror and despair in their watery eyes, all they could bring themselves to do was beg for forgiveness from the angry pirate that was ten times Seonghwa’s size.
He was just a young boy, only slightly older than the four children he had somehow taken under his wing after losing everything he ever came to know and love. All he wanted was peace, Seonghwa couldn’t understand why everything needed to end in violence and bloodshed. Why did the world crave so much destruction? With as much force as he could muster, strangled pleas of mercy would tumble from his lips, numb from his lack of oxygen and blood flow. Yet no matter what he said, he went unheard. Seonghwa was spat in the face, his head slammed against the tavern wall with a mighty force that made his vision blur and the world around him started to spin. Seonghwa felt sick, like he could lose his stomach contents at any moment but none of it would come out with the way his lungs were so viciously being crushed.
It hurt, everything hurt and he wanted it to just be over so they could move on and pretend none of it ever happened to begin with. This was not something small children were supposed to experience, Seonghwa so desperately wanted to protect them from everything that was wrong with the world.
He couldn’t even protect himself.
“What did ye do to him!?”
Seonghwa waited anxiously for the day that they would finally realize that he was no good. He was too small, too lost, too pathetic. There was absolutely nothing he could do for them. If he could, he would tell them to run, leave him behind and find a safe place to hide. They would have a better chance of surviving this encounter if they did that. But it was too late. The four of them were forced onto their knees, their sobs growing louder with each passing second. Seonghwa was forced to watch.
“I knew it was a bad idea to keep ye.”
Dread. Seonghwa could see the way those pirates’ wicked eyes were tinted red with their own bloodlust and could feel dread settling in the pit of his stomach. The children didn’t do anything wrong, it was a mistake. They were innocent! Why wouldn’t they listen? Seonghwa was telling the truth, why wouldn't they give the young siren a chance to explain himself? Their stares felt cold like ice as they glared into Seonghwa’s blurred eyes with intent to harm.
“Men, bring me their heads!”
“Aye, Captain!”
Seonghwa wanted to scream but the words wouldn’t come out. He couldn’t breathe.
The bitter scent of blood filled the air and the last thing he could see before he lost consciousness were four tiny heads rolling about on the floor.
Their cries were silent.
“Answer me!”
His touch felt like acid against his skin, seeping in and filling him with an immense sense of trepidation and terror that he once thought he could finally leave in the past.
Things were supposed to be different.
His grip around his frail throat, so tight that breathing seemed impossible to do under its mighty wrath, resembled a deadly noose and Seonghwa felt light on his feet as though he were hung for the most heinous of crimes known to man.
What could he have possibly done to deserve to be treated so carelessly and with obvious intent? Seonghwa didn’t really have an answer other than it had always been that way and he didn’t actually need to be terrible to be treated terribly. He was used to it.
Things were supposed to be different.
He feared what it would have been like to be denied his ability to breathe had he been a purebred human instead of a halfbreed. Because of what he was, he was capable of going without oxygen for a lot longer than most normal human beings could but that just meant that all he could do was suffer for longer until it eventually became too much and he was left unconscious in the furious quartermaster’s monstrous grasp. His lungs burned, he wanted to scream for mercy but he could do no such thing.
Things were. . . supposed to be different.
Nothing was different.
Helplessly, he reached for Yunho’s wrists with his hands— much smaller than the distrustful giant’s. He desperately held onto them for support as Yunho almost had him so high up that his feet were nearly hovering above the polished wood beneath them, he worried that his head would be ripped right off of his shoulders if he didn’t hold on tight. Was that Yunho’s intention? Did he want Seonghwa dead? Perhaps he deserved it, Seonghwa always deserved the worst of it because he was nothing more than a pathetic prisoner that couldn’t do anything right. A pretty piece that could be disposed of whenever he was deemed no longer useful to whoever owned him. Yes, it was right that he died here and now. How dare he anger their quartermaster? What right did he have to be so insolent? Stupid, disrespectful, utterly disgusting and filthy. Good for nothing.
“I said answer me, ye swine!”
Seonghwa was shocked back into his senses with how aggressively the quartermaster had shouted at him, pulling Seonghwa back from the wall slightly just to slam him back into it with all of his might. The young siren was left to choke on the tense air around them from the impact, his eyes nearly rolling into the back of his head from the rush of pain that followed after.
Too familiar. He must not have ever left his old ship. This must have been a dream that was finally starting to fade away, Seonghwa should have expected as much. How foolish of him to believe otherwise.
Yes, a dream.
It was all coming to an end now and it was all Seonghwa’s fault for not being able to do better. How else could he explain it?
But then. . . maybe if he begged for forgiveness. . . would it all last just a little while longer? Just for one more moment was all he asked but perhaps that would be too greedy. Seonghwa hated being greedy. He felt sick, his skin crawling with the way Yunho looked at him as though he were nothing but a worthless speck of dirt. That was how they always looked at him.
Why did things have to be this way? Seonghwa was so sure that he had finally found an escape from the cruelties of the world, from people like Yunho who refused to treat him like a living being worthy of love and compassion. But now. . . this fear that he felt. . . it was exactly how he always felt on the Howler, how they always made him feel. Seonghwa had always been aware of his position in society, from a filthy stray on the brink of starvation, to a worthless slave at the mercy of a sick and twisted pirate captain. He had known that ever since his parents were taken from him, ever since he was dragged onto that ship. Seonghwa had always known and yet he still allowed himself to believe differently.
San helped him think differently. Yeosang too. And Jongho. Even Mingi and Captain Hongjoong. The Aurora.
It was all wrong, they were wrong.
Seonghwa should always stay in his place.
“I- pl- plea- please! I- I c- can do better!” Seonghwa sobbed out, struggling with every word as Yunho’s grip around his neck made it that much more difficult for him to speak properly. “I c- can d- do better! Pl- Please for- forg- give me, Qu- Quarter- Quartermaster!”
Seonghwa’s words didn’t seem to reach Yunho, or if they did, they only served to further upset him. The young siren was barely holding on to his own consciousness, his eyes feeling incredibly heavy and his head fuzzy. His body went limp, it was always better not to fight it, that only made them angrier. Especially the quartermaster, he always got angry with Seonghwa in the beginning. They liked it when he was submissive, liked to see him weak. It hurt less when he lied there and just took it. The more Yunho raised his voice at Seonghwa, the more the young siren put all of his weight into Yunho’s merciless hold and begged for forgiveness, claiming that he would do better despite not even knowing what it was he had done wrong to begin with.
For hours it felt like the two of them were standing there, Seonghwa barely able to breathe and drowning in his own tears, Yunho foaming at the mouth with his own rage and their poor captain lying helplessly on the floor, seemingly forgotten to the both of them. Seonghwa internally begged for it to end. If he was going to die, he wanted it to happen sooner rather than later, he didn’t like waiting.
In the daze of his mind, Seonghwa could feel the quartermaster’s grip loosen only slightly, allowing just the smallest rush of oxygen back into his screaming lungs. He wondered if that meant he was being good enough and Yunho would let him go soon but he was quite surprised when he managed to force his eyelids open and he witnessed the shocked and frustrated expression on the tall pirate’s face. His eyes were glowing green and his teeth were clenched, his body trembling as he struggled to fight against something that Seonghwa was unable to see.
“What the hell do ye think ye’re doing, Yunho? Yer captain is hurt!”
Who Seonghwa would have normally recognized as Yeosang was, in the throes of his own terror and desperation, just another pirate looking to hurt him. There were more of them and he was now outnumbered and in a completely helpless state in which he was unable to defend himself. He flinched the moment Yeosang’s bewildered voice met his ears, a heart wrenching whimper escaping his chapped lips. From the corner of his eyes, Yeosang was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, his hand raised towards Yunho and his once warm chocolate eyes now glowing green just as Yunho’s were.
“Who do ye think is responsible!?” Yunho roared, his head twitching in an attempt to turn it to direct his threatening stare towards the young magic user but it was of no use. Binding magic, Yeosang had him trapped. “Let me go, Yeosang! I won’t ask ye again!”
Yeosang approached them with caution, taking hold of one of Yunho’s wrists with a grip so tight that his knuckles were turning white. “Seonghwa would never hurt anyone! What right do ye have to treat him like this? Ye know Hongjoong hasn't been well, this is likely an accident!”
“I said let me go now!”
“I don’t take orders from ye!”
Instead of arguing, Yunho continued to fight against his restraints, trying with all of his strength to tighten his hold on the helpless siren. It was obvious that he had no intentions of doing what the young magic user wanted him to do. His eyes narrowed threateningly at Seonghwa, as though he were blaming him for his altercation with Yeosang as well as for the captain’s fainting spell. In his eyes, Seonghwa could only do wrong.
What felt like a never ending assault against Seonghwa, however, would eventually come to an end as the kitchen door abruptly swung open and in came who Seonghwa could barely recognize from his peripheral vision was Mingi, Jongho and San. From that point on, everything that happened was a blurry mess for Seonghwa, he couldn’t completely process it all. All that made sense to him was that he was no longer being held captive by the quartermaster, his body having been released suddenly, dropping to the ground in a heap of limbs that felt weak like jelly. The moment he felt the cool wood touch his burning skin, the young siren curled up into a ball, his arms held above him to protect himself from any further assaults.
He cried. God, he must’ve sounded so worthless and frail but it was all he could bring himself to do. Cry and beg for forgiveness, for mercy. Please don’t send me back. I can do better. I’ll do whatever you ask of me but please, not the cell. Anything but the cell. Seonghwa could hardly hear his own voice, his ears numb and his mind barely in the present. He was too far gone, too lost in his own version of the world, one that had no tolerance for someone like himself.
Whenever he so much as felt a presence that had gotten too close, he would make himself impossibly smaller and his cries would become louder and more tormented, his words would change to those which were far more heartbreaking as well. Please, captain, I can’t. Anything but that. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have disobeyed. I will do better. I shouldn’t have disobeyed. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have. . . Off in the distance, he could vaguely hear a faint sob but it didn’t quite register in his mind, nothing did.
How long was he there for? What was happening around him? Seonghwa was so far gone, so disconnected from the rest of the world, that all he could see was the Howler, his cell, his captain, his life up until now. He was still there, he never left, nothing ever changed.
It never will.
Seonghwa didn’t notice that he had passed out until he was waking up in a cot that belonged to the infirmary. It was the same cot he spent his nights in, even though his injuries were more than healed by now. He felt safer there and it was more convenient for both himself and Yeosang when it came to their medical tests, this way Yeosang didn’t need to fetch him every time he needed him. Seonghwa had gotten used to that cot and had even grown attached to it to a certain extent but it somehow felt off at that moment as he was waking up and the fog in his mind was clearing up.
It was too open, anyone could come right in and reach him.
Seonghwa didn’t feel safe.
A shiver of discomfort crawled up his spine, it was enough to force his body into moving. He quietly slid off of the cot, falling to his hands and knees and crawling into the nearest corner of the room between the wall and his cot. From there, the cot could act as a sort of shield, it would give Seonghwa enough time to scrawl under it and run for the exit if anyone were to come in or he could simply hide under the cot if his exit was cut off and hope that any dangers that neared would go away sooner rather than later. It would have to do for now.
Finally feeling secure enough, the pain in Seonghwa’s throat had made itself more known, causing a quiet whimper to escape him which only served to worsen the pain. Seonghwa’s eyes burned with the strongest urge to cry, he thought he would never have to feel such pain ever again. San and Yeosang would always protect him, that was what he told himself. Always the foolish siren, so quick to trust, so quick to love. He should have gone down with his ship. Death would have been far greater than this immense heartbreak. Would he never be able to trust them again? How could he? He was undeserving of such privileges.
“Foolish. . . foolish. . . foolish. . . “ Seonghwa began to cry, his fist beating against the side of his head as punishment for his sins. To desire more than he deserved was an absolutely heinous thing for him to do, he should have known better. “I’m sorry. . . “
A gentle knock caused the young siren’s entire body to shudder then shrink, a chilling sense of apprehension nipping at the back of his neck. He didn’t move, didn’t say a word, he watched carefully and hoped that whoever was on the other side of the door would take his silence to mean that he wanted to be left alone or that he was still fast asleep and needed more time to regain himself. Instead, the door creaked open slowly until Seonghwa could clearly see San’s dazzling eyes dripping with concern and regret. He searched for Seonghwa, having not seen him at first where he was meant to be on the cot. The split second of pure panic in his eyes felt like a heavy weight of guilt weighing on the young siren’s heart but his aggressive quivering had proven a good distraction.
Not even a moment later, their eyes would meet and Seonghwa would once again try to make himself appear even smaller than before, his back pressed against the wall behind him with a bruising force.
“Seonghwa. . . “ San’s voice felt unfamiliar, Seonghwa was afraid. The young pirate took slow steps into the room, taking care to close the door behind him before approaching the now empty cot. “Are. . . Are ye hurt, love?”
He was. So much. Everything hurt. Seonghwa shook his head frantically, barely able to keep eye contact with the other. San frowned, his upset clearly visible in every inch of his body. He helped himself to Seonghwa’s cot, making it a point to sit on the opposite end furthest from him, most likely to keep him calm.
“I can tell when ye’re lying, Hwa. Please. . . be honest with me.”
Of course he could, what didn’t San know about Seonghwa? For San, Seonghwa had always been an open book, he didn’t feel the need to hide anything from him. So why now? Why was the young pirate so terrifying to him now? The half siren winced as though San’s words had physically caused him pain, a fresh wave of tears wetting his flushed cheeks.
“S- So- Sorry. . . I’m. . . I’m sorry. . . “
San shook his head, his eyes becoming glossy with his own tears. “Ye don’t need to apologize, none of this was yer fault.”
He went to reach out for Seonghwa but the other couldn’t help but flinch violently, whimpering loudly out of fear and devastation because San was never supposed to make him feel this way, San was his safe haven, his savior, his comfort. He wanted to feel the young pirate’s warm touch but it was all too much. Even though Seonghwa could clearly see the hurt and shock on San’s face, the pirate decided not to address it and instead returned his hand to his side.
“Just. . . “ San took a breath, as shuddered as it may have sounded. “Can ye tell me what happened, Hwa?”
A beat of silence followed after his words, Seonghwa extremely hesitant to explain the details of what transpired in the kitchen. He was afraid that what Seonghwa had to say about it would further incriminate him and San would realize that Seonghwa was an awful, disgusting being that needed to be disposed of. He couldn’t lose San like that— anyone but San. However, it was not his place to refuse the pirate who had asked him to do something. He couldn’t say no, didn’t want to know what would happen if he did.
“I- I we- we- went to the kit- kitchen to find Woo- y- your. . . your cook. . . “
San’s eyes furrowed, confused. “Ye went to find Wooyoung?”
“A- Aye. . . “ Seonghwa gave a small nod. “To fetch some- some water f- for your navigator.”
He was distancing himself. Seonghwa knew that, maybe San did too. It was easier this way, Seonghwa should have shown them the proper respect that they deserved from the very start. Then maybe none of this would have happened to begin with.
“But h- he wasn’t there. . . a- an- and the- y- your captain. . . he was- was looking for him too. H- He spoke to me a- and I- I wanted to. . . I just wanted to. . . but th- then he fainted su- suddenly a- and. . . your quartermaster. . . I- I’m so- sorry. . . “
“So he attacked ye without even knowing what really happened. . . “ Those words didn’t seem to be for Seonghwa as San was suddenly glaring at the cot, his fists shaking with rage. “Seonghwa, that should have never happened to ye. Yunho was wrong for what he did and I wasn’t there to keep ye safe like I promised. I owe ye my deepest apologies. I’m so sorry I failed ye.”
This was not the first time San had apologized to Seonghwa, and just like the first time, the young siren was left in tears. Why would he feel sorry? There was no reason for him to feel that way when it was Seonghwa who had done wrong. Seonghwa who wasn’t even brave enough to face his fears and move on from this incident. Seonghwa who chose to distance himself instead when things became too difficult, too terrifying. If anything, it was him who should feel sorry, he owed San and everyone else his deepest apologies, he was the root of their problems, a disease that needed to be eradicated. Seonghwa was unfit to be a part of their crew.
His cries were violent, shaking his entire body, as he hesitantly reached out for San, only to fall short with his hands dropping back to his side because he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
“It is not yer fault, Seonghwa.” San sternly spoke, meaning every word that filled the air from his tongue. “None of this was because of ye. Hongjoong isn’t well and Yunho knew that. He jumped to conclusions and he hurt ye.”
Stop blaming yourself and just allow yourself to feel wronged. His words were so loud, they echoed deep within the depths of Seonghwa’s aching heart.
“Ye’re allowed to feel hurt and ye’re allowed to feel that ye’ve been treated unfairly because ye have been. But Seonghwa, please don’t hide from me. Don’t push me away like this.”
“I’m afraid, San. . . “
The young pirate offered a reassuring smile, one that Seonghwa was so used to that it eased some of the tension in his shoulders and lessened his trembling.
“I know and that’s alright, we’ll get through this together. There is no rush. Do ye trust me, Seonghwa?” This time, San reached his hand out once more and held it there for Seonghwa to take, but the young siren didn’t flinch. He didn’t feel as afraid.
San was different.
Seonghwa’s movements might have been more hesitant than before the incident but San’s beautifully kind eyes guided him with ease until his hand was safely enveloped by the pirate’s own. Seonghwa felt a wave of relief wash over him, it was as though San’s touch was all he needed to make everything right again. It didn’t heal Seonghwa’s wounds, nor did it erase what happened, but it helped and that was more than Seonghwa could ask for. He sighed heavily, the rest of the tension in his body fading away with ease as he stared up at San with a sad smile, barely there but enough for San’s own smile to grow even larger.
“Aye, I do.”
Another gentle knock filled the room, the door opened just a crack before Yeosang’s head popped in, his entire face an obvious sign of how worried he was.
“Ah- Seonghwa, ye’re awake. . . “ Yeosang sighed, relieved. “Are ye in any pain? Ye better not lie, I can tell when ye do.”
For a moment, Seonghwa could only stare at the young magic user with wide, glossy eyes, his urge to cry returning in an instant. However, what came out instead was a sweet giggle, he just couldn’t help it.
Yeosang was different too.
After just a few hours with the two of them, things started to feel a bit more normal and touching San became just as easy as it was before.
Before Seonghwa knew it, he was back on his cot, San's arms wrapped securely around Seonghwa while the young siren’s nose rubbed against his neck for comfort. Yeosang was on the other side where Seonghwa’s back was facing, sitting on the cot and allowing himself to gently comb his fingers through Seonghwa’s hair. It was so comfortable that Seonghwa was sure he would fall asleep at any moment.
They made light conversation, anything and everything just to cheer the young siren up, make him laugh or encourage him to ask questions or give his opinion. At some point, it became a competition between the two; who could make Seonghwa laugh the most, who could get him to speak the most, who could get him to smile the most. It was silly, something a parent would likely do for their child, but it worked and Seonghwa was very grateful for them. He cherished them a lot more than he had realized initially.
Then the light conversation gained a bit of weight, the matter seemingly needed to be addressed.
“Yunho ain't always like that,” Yeosang mumbled, hesitation clear in his tone. Seonghwa hummed in response, hoping it would let the magic user know that he was fine with discussing it. “He just doesn’t trust easily and he can sometimes be impulsive. I know we like to joke about how immature Wooyoung can be but. . . Yunho is still so young, he didn’t have the best childhood, nor was he given a chance to grow and so he’s a bit more immature than the rest of us. I ain’t saying that what he did was okay and I swear to ye that he will be dealt with accordingly once Hongjoong learns of what happened, but I hope ye don’t hold it against him for too long. He’s just afraid and doesn’t know how to handle it most of the time.”
For the first time since being aboard the Aurora, Seonghwa had learned a little something new about their quartermaster. He wasn’t sure how to feel about it, he hated how familiar the words felt, as though Yeosang was actually describing Seonghwa and all that he had gone through. It sounded too similar and that weighed heavily on Seonghwa’s heart. He wasn’t one to hold grudges and he had already known that Yunho was not the most trusting of pirates, San would often remind him whenever he caught a glimpse of those cold eyes being directed at Seonghwa.
As far as Seonghwa knew from his experience with them, every member of Captain Hongjoong’s crew was kind, their hearts warm and welcoming. He wanted to believe that Yunho was the same, he had since the very beginning, even as he still kept a fairly large distance between them. Yunho was a member of the same crew as San, Yeosang, Wooyoung, Jongho and Mingi. The same crew that belonged to Captain Hongjoong who was just as kind. Seonghwa didn’t want to hold any grudges against him, he could understand Yunho’s struggles with Seonghwa and with himself.
Seonghwa felt that he could understand all too well.
He sighed, closing his eyes and taking in San’s calming scent, like the ocean on a warm summer’s day.
“I want to apologize to Yunho. Because of me, he can’t feel at ease on his own ship. He’s having a difficult time with me around, isn’t he?”
San’s hold on Seonghwa tightened. “That is none of yer concern. It isn’t yer fault and ye have every right to be here just like the rest of us.” He argued, determined to make the young siren understand his words.
Seonghwa truly did understand but he couldn’t agree. “It is my concern though, isn’t it? I should be more considerate for his sake, this was his home before it was mine. Yeosang, you understand, don’t you?”
“I do.” Yeosang nodded as Seonghwa’s eyes connected with his. “But that doesn’t mean I agree with ye. I think Yunho is just being stubborn. He warmed up to the rest of us fairly quickly, what makes ye so different?”
No one really had an answer for that question, even to his own crew Yunho was a bit of an anomaly. It was quite interesting, actually. In the beginning, Seonghwa assumed Captain Hongjoong would be the hardest to understand and grow closer to but it turned out to be Yunho in the end and Seonghwa could almost bring himself to laugh at the thought. How foolish he was to think that he could find a moment’s peace simply because he was aboard a different ship, surrounded by different pirates.
The world was strange in the way that it never allowed Seonghwa to rest, always keeping him on his toes despite how utterly exhausted he was. And yet he could not bring himself to feel upset or angry. Instead, he could feel a strange sense of determination bubbling about in the pit of his stomach because there was a thought at the back of his mind that if he tried hard enough he might actually be able to achieve that sense of peace he so desperately longed for.
Yunho was just another challenge that he needed to face but Seonghwa knew he didn’t need to face him alone. He would always have San and Yeosang near him to guide him through any of his troubles.
Seonghwa wanted to understand Yunho, he wanted to grow close to him and become someone he could trust. Why? He didn’t quite understand the reasoning behind his own feelings, he just knew that he needed to try harder to improve, grow stronger, smarter, braver. He needed to learn from his mistakes and become someone that belonged on the Aurora. Maybe that way Yunho would eventually see that he wasn't a threat, maybe he would understand that he was just another poor soul in search of a new home, one that accepted him for who and what he was.
“I. . . I want to become stronger.” Seonghwa spoke with conviction, something neither of them had expected from him.
Yeosang hummed, gently scratching the young siren’s scalp. “Are ye sure? Ye’re fine as ye are, Seonghwa.”
He was more than sure, Seonghwa had never been more sure about anything else in his entire life.
“Alright.” San chuckled with a slow nod of his head. “But it won’t be easy. There will be times when ye will feel like giving up.”
“I won’t give up.”
And Seonghwa meant that because he knew it would be worth it.
Yunho was worth it.