Chapter Text
B—
I’m fine. X got the worst of it, as I’m guessing you figured out since Sorrengail raced here in your jacket. He’s pissed, by the way. You’ll never get your candies now.
Things are starting to get interesting in Samara. The attack highlighted some key weaknesses in our defenses. For example, no riders are trained to operate the Durranbolt. I volunteered. Any tips?
Send Im my love!
—G
***
Garrick,
My mom’s the expert, not me.
Bodhi
P.S. I’m not getting involved in your games with Imogen
***
B—
Not even for candies?
—G
***
Garrick,
How much are you offering?
Bodhi
***
Violet had told Ridoc everything. There’s a lot that could mean, Bodhi tried to rationalize. It didn’t necessarily mean that Ridoc knew about the venin and the revolution and Aretia. Ridoc could be talking about something else…His mind raced for something, anything, to latch onto. Maybe Xaden told her Bodhi’s signet and Ridoc was pissed Bodhi’d never budged. Or maybe he’d found out that Bodhi hooked up with Tibbot Vassant on Wednesday. They’d never claimed to be exclusive, so technically, Bodhi hadn’t done anything wrong.
Bodhi blinked back his shock and cleared his throat. “Would you care to elaborate?”
“No.” The muscles in Ridoc’s forearms flexed as he crossed them over his chest, eyes sharp as glass.
Bodhi’s chest squeezed. He looked between the girls, eyes pleading. “Can you give us some privacy?”
“No way,” Eya snapped. “This is as much our business as yours.”
“What if it’s something else?” He rubbed his sweaty palms on his pants.
Imogen’s eyes narrowed on Ridoc, calculating. Her jaw ticked. “It’s not.”
“Ridoc, please,” Bodhi begged. “I can’t help you unless you say something.”
Ridoc scoffed. “What? I need a big, strong man to protect me from the evil venin?” Bodhi’s stomach plummeted. “Am I not rider enough for you?”
In a flash, Imogen reached for her hip and lunged at Ridoc. He jerked away from her but was too slow. Steel glinted and Ridoc let out a strangled cry as the knife lodged in his side.
Ridoc stood there, gaping at them in stunned silence, before pulling the knife out and letting it clatter to the ground. Blood drained from his face as a wetness spread across his tunic. He wobbled, then crashed to the ground.
The sound of another dagger unsheathing made Bodhi’s blood turn to ice. He moved at the same time she did, body-checking her, then draped himself protectively over Ridoc as she crashed to the floor. Imogen sprang to her feet, glaring at him as if debating going through Bodhi to get to Ridoc.
“Imogen?!” Bodhi shouted as adrenaline coursed through him. He lifted Ridoc’s shirt and pressed his hand to the wound. Red liquid coated his fingers. It was warm and sticky and the longer he looked at it, the more Bodhi felt like he’d been the one stabbed. “What the fuck, Imogen?”
“He knows about the revolution,” Imogen shrugged. “I’m taking care of a loose end.”
“You could have wiped his memory!”
“Oops.” She didn’t sound sorry.
Ridoc shook in Bodhi’s arms, eyes screwed up in pain. “You could do me a solid and wipe my memory of this, though.”
“You shouldn’t have pulled it out,” Eya said, hovering over them. She handed Bodhi a towel to mop up the blood. “That was stupid.”
“Thanks,” Bodhi muttered as he applied pressure to the wound.
Imogen dropped into a crouch before them. “We can do this the easy way or the hard way.”
“Get her out of here, Eya,” Bodhi ordered, his second-in-command mask firmly locked into place.
“But—” Imogen protested.
“Now.”
With a conflicted expression, Eya considered both her friends before finally grabbing Imogen under the armpits and hoisting her to her feet. “You owe me one, Durran.”
Kicking and cursing, Eya practically dragged Imogen from the room. More than one of Imogen’s remaining hidden blades were drawn during the scuffle, but eventually she gave in, calling, “If the idiots know then Quinn should too!”
“Fine,” Bodhi agreed. It was only fair, he guessed.
The door shut behind the girls and Bodhi let out the breath he’d been holding.
“They're gone now,” Bodhi said as he gently caressed Ridoc’s face. “Show me where you’re hurt.”
Ridoc struggled to sit up, wincing and grunting. He lifted his shirt and sucked in a sharp breath when Bodhi pressed his fingers against the deep purple gash across his brown skin. “Ouch! That fucking hurts.”
Bodhi frowned. “I should take you to the hospital wing.”
“It’s not that bad,” Ridoc insisted. “I’m fine.”
Bodhi quirked a brow as his mouth squeezed into a flat line. “So I should call them back?”
Ridoc’s eyes flew wide in panic before he flopped over in an award-winning performance of pain. “I am wounded, Bodhi!” he wailed with enough dramatics to bring the ghost of a smile to Bodhi’s face. “I fear it's fatal after all.”
“She shouldn’t have done that.” With a wave of his hand, a first aid kit appeared next to Bodhi. “I’m no expert,” he warned, pulling out bandages, a needle, and thread, “but I know enough to stitch you up.” At Ridoc’s confused look he added, “I was going to be a healer before…everything.”
The smile dropped from Ridoc’s face, as if he’d just remembered why he was there. Bodhi saw him close up. The earnestness and vulnerability he was used to seeing on Ridoc’s face vanished before his eyes.
“Just get it over with,” Ridoc said frostily.
Bodhi nodded. “I’m sorry, this is going to hurt.”
“Not more than your lies, I hope.”
Fuck. He looked away from Ridoc’s face, unable to bear the betrayal etched in his features. Foolishly, Bodhi’d hoped Ridoc would let it go and turn his rage toward Imogen after the stabbing.
“I could have let her kill you, you know,” Bodhi said, feeling a little irritated that Ridoc wasn’t more grateful to him.
Ridoc snorted disbelievingly at this. “Sure you would.”
Bodhi used the towel to clean Ridoc’s side, then poured a dark yellow antiseptic over the only remaining clean corner. Ridoc jerked violently as Bodhi disinfected the wound and neither man spoke as Bodhi stitched him together. Ridoc’s silence was stony, and despite the considerable pain he had to be in, he didn’t make another sound.
By the time Bodhi taped the final bandage into place, Ridoc seemed ready to talk.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
He pulled away from Bodhi, scooting across the floor to the other end of the room. Bodhi stared at the spot Ridoc left. The carpet was soaked in blood. He wouldn’t be able to get the stain out. Shame welled in him like a kick to the gut.
Talk to him, Little One.
Bodhi shrugged Cuir off. She didn’t understand. How could she, when Bodhi barely understood how he felt about Ridoc, and the revolution, and his general queerness?
I understand more than you know.
Bodhi got to his feet and walked over to his dresser, his heart thudding. Riffling through the drawers, he found a shirt that was a little too small on him but it would still be loose enough on Ridoc to not rub against the wound. He tossed it to Ridoc. “Here. Yours is all bloody.”
Bodhi sat at his desk, pointedly not looking at Ridoc as he changed in silence.
His head raced nearly as fast as his heart. What the fuck was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t let Imogen take this memory from Ridoc. Betraying his trust once was bad enough and Bodhi wouldn’t survive it again. He couldn’t let her kill him, either. The thought of living in a world without Ridoc was like a burning steel rod to the chest.
Xaden was going to fucking kill him for this. He’d fucked up so many times this year, but this—this was the worst. It was unjustifiable, unforgivable. He couldn’t talk his way out of it. He’d let his feelings jeopardize the cause.
“Well?” Ridoc’s voice jarred Bodhi from his thoughts.
Bodhi braced himself on the armrests of his chair and stared up at the ceiling. “Well what?”
“Why did you lie to me?”
Bodhi shivered, deciding to go with the simplest answer. “Xaden.”
“That’s bullshit.” Ridoc kicked at the air in frustration. “He told Violet everything.”
“Yeah, but not until he had to.” Bodhi sniffed back tears. He wasn’t going to fucking cry over this. “And that’s different.”
“How?” Ridoc pressed.
Because Violet had to fight them. Because she caught them trading with Syrena. Because Xaden was stupid enough to take her where she shouldn’t have been.
Bodhi’d tried to learn from those mistakes, just to reach the same fucking outcome.
“He loves her.”
“Oh.” Ridoc’s eyes dulled and he looked away, making Bodhi’s chest burn with shame, with desire, with hurt or guilt. Maybe grief. He honestly couldn’t tell the difference anymore. His feelings were all mixed up; they had been since that first night with Ridoc on the stairs.
A part of him regretted that night. If he hadn’t let Ridoc sit with him, if he hadn’t spilled his guts, none of this would have happened. He’d have mourned Liam and suffered in private without anyone or anything to distract him from what’s really important. Weapons. Venin. Aretia. Tyrrendor. Xaden.
It all fucking came back to Liam. If he was alive, he’d have taken the brunt of Ridoc’s ire. There would have been someone to shoulder the load with. Strong arms to fall back into. An obsession to prevent him and Ridoc from ever getting this close.
But, what if…
Another stupidly selfish part of him wished that Liam hadn’t died, not because he missed his friend but because maybe then, things with Ridoc would be different. Without his soul wrenching, all-consuming grief, they could have given this thing between them a real shot.
Because there was something there, even if it killed him to let go of Liam and admit it. Something he’d ruined for no good reason. He could have told Ridoc everything the first time he asked. He should have after the kiss, but he hadn’t wanted to, had been afraid to. Now it was too late.
Ridoc knew. And Bodhi was the villain.
Unconsciously, he reached for Ridoc, moving from his chair to the floor.
Ridoc recoiled and it took all of Bodhi’s self restraint not to throw himself to the ground and beg him for forgiveness. The urge to hold him, to stroke his hair and tell him that everything would be okay, was overwhelming.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Bodhi thrust his hands into his hair and fisted.
“The truth.” Ridoc made it sound so simple.
“It’s not that easy,” Bodhi admitted. His fingers dug into his scalp. “I have been lying about who I am since the day I was born.”
The revolution. Pretending to like girls when he liked boys…it was all the same. All his secrets piled on top of each other as he tried not to ruin everything all of the time. Of course they would all come crashing down in the same breath.
Ridoc kicked again, this time making contact with Bodhi’s desk chair. It crashed loudly into the wall and Ridoc shouted. “Fuck!”
Bodhi winced. “You’ll rip your stitches.”
“What are you doing with me?” Ridoc whispered, voice cracking. Pain shone behind his caramel irises and the hopelessness of it all nearly knocked the breath from Bodhi. His heart jumped in his throat as he tried to figure out how he was supposed to answer. Hell, he wasn’t even entirely sure what Ridoc was asking. Did he mean this argument? Or the heist? Something else entirely?
The lump in his throat ached because Bodhi didn’t know what the fuck he was doing with Ridoc in any of it. All he knew was that he couldn’t lose Ridoc now, when Ridoc was the only person who made him feel alive. Ridoc reminded him that there was life after grief. That there was more to it all than just Tyrrendor and venin and revolution. That there was still someone good in the world.
Ridoc was the one beautiful piece of Bodhi untarnished by all the toxic shit in his life.
He’d never wanted Ridoc to know about any of this. Didn’t want him to have to carry that burden. Ridoc was too precious, too easygoing and kind. He couldn’t stand it if Ridoc lost that because of him.
But now he knew everything and Bodhi’s safe haven was gone. Ridoc stared back at him with damnation in his eyes, and Bodhi realized that he’d do anything to get back to the laughter.
“I’ve never had more fun with anyone,” Bodhi finally answered, voice hoarse. Chest swelling at the admission.
Something between them snapped. Bodhi felt it, felt the anger and desperation rolling off Ridoc in waves, but he couldn’t understand why. He’d just spilled his guts and Ridoc was upset about it? That didn’t make any sense.
Ridoc shuddered and a closed off, blank expression replaced the emotion on his face. His voice dulled as he spoke, “Right, well, I’m not having fun.”
“Oh, okay.” Bodhi dropped his hand, which he hadn’t realized had been squeezing Ridoc’s arm so hard it left marks, and pushed himself step back. Ridoc rubbed at the spot, refusing to meet Bodhi’s gaze. “I’m sorry.”
It was too quiet for too long, the only sound from their uneven breathing. Ridoc pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his forehead against them. His shoulders shook, but Bodhi didn’t dare ask if Ridoc was okay.
Ridoc wasn’t having fun with him.
The truth was as crushing as the silence between them. Awkwardly, Bodhi cleared his throat. He had to say something now to try and salvage this.
“It’s almost Threshing.” Ridoc’s face turned toward him, expressionless, as Bodhi continued. “Should we finalize our plans?”
Disgust twitched at the corners of Ridoc’s mouth before he turned his face back to his knees. “You lied to my face.”
“I panicked.”
“And then you did it again, promising me nothing but the truth.” Ridoc’s voice pitched higher with each word.
“It wasn’t my secret to tell.” Bodhi’s mind went blank. He had no idea how to navigate a conversation like this. If it was Imogen or Garrick or Xaden he’d spar with them, but Ridoc was hurt, and being angry wasn’t his thing anyway. He’d told Bodhi that. Though he sure seemed bitter for someone who hated it.
Ridoc looked up, his face scrunched as his body flushed red. “And if you’d cared about me at all, you’d have said that to me instead of making me question my own sanity.”
Ridoc took a shaky breath but then kept on talking accusingly. “I sucked your dick, thinking it meant something.” Bodhi jolted at Ridoc’s words. “But it didn’t. You used me to make yourself feel better about your shit life, just like you used Eya to hide from your sexuality and Cohen to hide from losing Liam. The great love of your life.”
Bodhi shook his head. Ridoc didn’t understand. It did mean something. That was the first time he’d ever actually cared about the person he was with. Ridoc had to know that. He just had to. “No, I didn’t. I swear to you…I’m a good person.”
“No, Bodhi,” Ridoc sighed. “I was wrong about that.”
Ouch.
“Where does this leave us?”
Bodhi hadn’t realized he’d voiced the question until Ridoc answered with a hollow, “I don’t want all that planning to go to waste, so we might as well go through with the heist.”
“And after?” Bodhi asked hopefully. “I want us to be friends.”
Friends wasn’t enough, but it was a start. Bodhi could work with friends.
“Friends?” Ridoc laughed, but it wasn’t the warm, joyous thing Bodhi was used to. “Yeah, I don’t think I can do that.”
Ridoc got to his feet, grunting in pain, and Bodhi tried to chase after him, but his feet just wouldn’t move.
***
Half a bottle later, Bodhi found himself stumbling down the stairs to the second year dorms. Feet moving too fast, he missed a step and landed hard on his ankle. It buckled under his weight and Bodhi fell. At least half the remaining liquor spilled down the steps before he managed to catch himself.
He struggled to his feet, pulling himself up the wall. Pain shot up his leg through his ankle like lightning. His shout echoed off the walls and he had to bite down on his lower lip to cut off the sound.
Neck straining and legs shaking, Bodhi lowered himself back to the cold stone. Roughly, he pulled at his pants leg and went for his boot. White hot pain seared through him.
“Fuckssake.”
He just barely got his boot and sock off without crying out again. He squinted at his ankle, afraid of what he’d find. The dim light made it difficult to see, but it didn’t look too bad. A little puffy, but it could have been so much worse.
He extended the leg in front of him, not bothering with his boot, and leaned back on the stairs, reaching for the bottle. He eyed it up, considering. There were only a couple inches of amber liquid left. He’d drunk enough that he shouldn’t be able to feel anything anymore, but he did. Too much.
At this point, finishing it wouldn’t help anything, but Bodhi threw his head back and chugged, relishing the burn in his throat. He fucking deserved this, after all. Nothing he did could fix it or make it better. It was stupid to go after Ridoc.
What was he going to do? Throw himself at Ridoc’s feet and beg? Bodhi couldn’t do that, even if he wanted to. He wasn’t sorry he’d lied. He’d had to. Lying was who Bodhi was. Who he’d always been. Who he always would be.
He couldn’t change himself. Amari knew, he’d spent his whole life trying and it never fucking worked. He’d begged and prayed and tried, but he was still broken.
When he finished, he let the bottle drop from his hands and it rolled, clinking as it dropped from step to step. He never heard it reach the bottom.
His mind was foggy and Cuir felt far away as he reached for their connection. Dropping his head back, Bodhi pulled on the bond. She didn’t respond so he nudged her a few more times before he finally felt her stir in his mind.
Little One, Cuir said patiently, Do you know what time it is?
No.
Exasperation flooded the bond, and that was the last straw for him. Cuir’s disapproval crushed him from the inside out. Bodhi sat up, buried his face in his hands, and screamed into them. It was either that or cry.
That was the problem with being connected like this. There was nowhere for Bodhi to hide. Cuir knew him inside and out, who he truly was, deep down.
She knew, better than anyone, how he’d failed Ridoc. How he’d failed Liam. How he kept failing with Xaden and Eya. Even his fucking parents.
He’d failed everyone he’d ever loved because, deep down, he really was what he’d always feared: a bad person.
Of course Cuir was tired of him too.
Just add her to the list of people he’d let down.
Bodhi, no.
It’ssfine Cuir. Go back tosleep.
I’m on my way. Can you get to the courtyard? Her voice shook. It was the first time Bodhi realized that dragons felt fear, too. Of course we do. I’m terrified for you, Little One.
Don’t be. I’m not worth it.
You’re mine. I chose you and I will not let you hurt yourself like this.
Too late. Bodhi looked at his ankle, which seemed to swell larger by the minute.
Can you make it to the courtyard?
I can’t even make it off thesssessstairs.
I’ll have Aotrom send his boy.
“No!” Bodhi didn’t mean to shout, but the last thing he wanted was for Ridoc to see him like this.
You can’t stay drunk on the steps all night.
He hatessme, Cuir. Bodhi suppressed a sob. I ruined everything just like I alwayssdo. I’m a ruiner.
You do not ruin things.
You’re wrong about me.
“Durran? That you?”
Wiping at the tears stinging his eyes, Bodhi looked up to a wide, freckled smile, blue eyes, and caramel colored hair. Trebor…Somethingorother.
“It is!” Trebor’s lips stretched into a smile as he took a seat on the step next to Bodhi. “It must be my lucky night.”
“Why are you outssso late?” Bodhi asked, hoping his voice sounded at least somewhat normal.
“Dancing in Chantara.” Trebor wrinkled his nose. “But there were no guys I was interested in. It was a bit of a waste, really…until now.”
Even in the dark, the flush on Trebor’s skin was obvious. He’d never made wanting Bodhi a secret and, for once Bodhi was grateful. Getting sweaty with someone sounded really good right now. The perfect distraction from his pathetic, miserable life.
“Okay.” Bodhi flashed that smile that he’d quickly learned never failed to get a man in his bed.
“You…you mean it?” Trebor’s pupils blew wide as he licked his upper lip. “Wait, why are you sitting on the stairs?”
“Would you believe me if I sssaid I wassswaiting for you?”
“No.” But Trebor’s blush deepened. He looked away shyly.
Bodhi gestured to his foot. “Well, you’re the man ofthehour, ‘cuz I need help walking. Hurt myssself.” He caught Trebor's chin and winked. “And if you help me to my room, I’ll let youssstick around forsome fun.”
Bodhi leaned forward, brushing their lips together. His tongue flicked out, tasting the liquor that still lingered on Trebor’s mouth.
The kiss was a sloppy disappointment compared to Ridoc’s kisses. Unlike Ridoc’s smooth, patient strokes, Trebor was choppy and used entirely too much tongue. His hands were clumsy and, as Bodhi pulled back, he wondered if this would even be worth it in light of their complete lack of chemistry.
But Trebor beamed excitedly as he helped Bodhi to his feet. Ducking under Bodhi’s arm, Trebor pulled Bodhi’s weight onto him. His free arm wrapped around Bodhi’s waist and, together, they took the first step up to the dormitory. Then a couple steps backward. And then staggered forward a few.
As it turned out, Trebor was nearly as unsteady as Bodhi, having had quite a bit to drink himself, and the pair struggled up the stairs. More than once, one of them missed a step, sending them crashing into the wall. They were lucky they never staggered off the other end. The ground floor was a long way down.
Eventually, they made it up to Bodhi’s room and Bodhi managed a couple of steps on his own to pull Trebor through and avoid activating his wards. Once inside, Bodhi flopped onto his bed, fucking exhausted and grimacing in pain. Even with Trebor’s help, the walk had been excruciating.
“Alcoholsin the closet. Lube in the desssk drawer.” Bodhi’s head lolled to the side. “Bring em here and I’ll get you prepped.”
“Alcohol, yeah,” Trebor said, grabbing a bottle from the closet. “Lube, yeah.” He opened Bodhi’s desk drawer and quickly located the lubricant. But prep, nope.” Bodhi’s brow arched and Trebor laughed. “My signet.”
“I don’t understand…” There was no way he could ram himself in. Unless Trebor was into that.
Trebor laughed too loudly. “Oh, Bodhi, that’s right.”
“Whatsssright?”
“You don’t know because you blew me off, remember?” Bodhi didn’t remember, but he tried not to let that show. It was only polite after all. When Bodhi didn’t respond, Trebor laughed again and proudly said, “I sssssstretch,” dragging out the ‘s’ sound.
“Oh.” It took Bodhi a moment to understand, but then his eyes widened. “Ohhhhh.”
Trebor flushed and his eyes dropped down to Bodhi’s crotch. “Why’re your pants still on?” He asked. “I waited too long to get you nekked.”
Bodhi shucked off his pants and underwear, then his shirt, and waited for Trebor. Trebor’s throat bobbed, and he took a swig from the bottle. He approached slowly, eyes lingering on Bodhi’s lower half.
“Drink?” Trebor handed Bodhi the bottle.
Bodhi drank deeply, swallowing multiple mouthfuls of the burning liquid. Heat pooled deep in his gut and spread through his limbs. The bottle lowered and Bodhi’s eyes fell straight to Trebor’s erect cock.
Trebor, who’d undressed while Bodhi chugged, eased himself down onto Bodhi’s bed. Now that they were both naked, Bodhi’s body started to get into it. His dick twitched against Trebor’s surprisingly muscular thigh.
“Hi.” Trebor nuzzled Bodhi’s neck before sucking a bruise into the soft skin above his collarbone.
Bodhi wasn’t sure how he was supposed to respond so all he managed was a pathetic sounding, “Hello.”
Trebor’s hips bucked against him and, once again, Bodhi felt interest stirring in his dick. He rolled his own hips in response.
A deep, guttural sound came from the back of Trebor’s throat and a moment later, his fingers wrapped tightly around Bodhi’s cock. “I’m ready, but we still have to get you there.”
For some reason, Bodhi got the impression that Trebor was talking to his dick rather than talking to him, so he just lay back and let Trebor do this thing.
Trebor was rough. His hand was dry and a little painful as he jacked Bodhi off, squeezing too much at the head. He didn’t linger or play with it like Bodhi liked and he really had to work to get hard.
Finally, Trebor was satisfied and he sat up on the bed, straddling Bodhi’s hips. The cold lube was a shock to Bodhi’s system and a hint of annoyance flickered in Trebor’s eyes as Bodhi wilted.
“Sorry,” he apologized.
“Iss okay.” Trebor’s hand squeezed Bodhi again. “We’ll try again.”
Despite Trebor’s assurances, Bodhi looked away as his cheeks flushed in embarrassment. When he finally managed to bring his attention back to Trebor, Trebor was staring down at him with a hungry expression.
Trebor sat up and lined himself up with Bodhi. “You ready?”
“Oh, shit,” Bodhi gasped as his tip pressed against Trebor’s hole. Trebor let go of Bodhi and began to sink onto him. It felt…it felt…“Oh shit.”
Bodhi’s cock flopped down to his stomach the moment Trebor let go of it.
“Fuck, Durran.” The irritation was plain on his face now, no longer laughing and good natured. “Are you kidding me? Are you actually kidding me?”
“Try again,” Bodhi pleaded as he wondered what the fuck was happening to his dick. This wasn’t normal. It had never flopped before. Well, it had with Eya, but never with a man. “I wasssn’t ready.”
“Okay.”
Trebor pumped Bodhi up again, and again, Bodhi lost it as soon as Trebor started to fuck.
“Maybe if you’re on top?” Trebor asked with forced politeness that Bodhi could tell he didn’t feel.
“Yeah, that’ll work.” And Bodhi prayed it would.
This is a man. He told his dick as he palmed himself. You like men. Like their hard muscles, stubbled jaws, and deep, sexy voices. No curves here.
Great. Now he was the one talking to his dick. Not that it fucking helped at all. Bodhi was broken on the inside. His ankle was probably not broken, but it hurt like hell. His friendship with Ridoc was broken. He couldn’t deal if his dick was broken too.
But the more desperate he became, the harder it was to stay hard.
“Do you want me on my back or my knees.” Trebor finally asked, breaking the awkward silence between them.
“Knees,” Bodhi said with more confidence than he felt. “Itsssa better angle.”
But with his hurt ankle, the position sucked. True to his word, Trebor stretched easily around Bodhi but as soon as he began to thrust, his ankle cracked under the added pressure and he lost his balance.
He crashed down onto Trebor, who let out a yelp of pain.
Fuck. It hurt so fucking bad. Like someone was stabbing him right in the joint. And on top of that, he’d lost his erection again, to no one’s surprise. He’d never been more embarrassed in his life. He had to find a fucking way to save this.
“If we try—”
“You know what Durran?” Trebor asked as Bodhi swallowed nervously. “Let’s just call it a night. I’m tired, okay?”
“Okay.” But it wasn’t okay. Not even a little bit. All he wanted was to get something right. To be normal. And now he was too pathetic to even fuck. His eyes stung.
“You know,” Trebor continued, either oblivious to or not caring about Bodhi’s distress, “With how obsessed Cohen and Gamlyn are with you, I really thought this was going to be mind blowing.”
Bodhi took a deep breath, trying to school his features and keep his emotions in check. “Can you hand me the bottle on your way out?”
The next thing Bodhi knew it was four in the afternoon the following day, and he couldn’t remember how he’d sprained his ankle or why his bed was drenched in whisky.
***
“What the fuck, Durran?”
Bodhi didn’t bother to turn his head as Imogen picked herself off the floor and stepped into his room. The door slammed shut behind her.
“I know, I haven’t fixed the wards yet.” He pulled the blanket up over his head so he wouldn’t have to look at her.
“You missed breakfast and lunch.”
He didn’t respond because he had nothing to say. He’d missed all his classes that day too. He hadn’t even left his room in the last two days other than to go to the healers about his ankle. They’d wrapped it, given him a pain tonic, and prescribed rest, ice, compression, and elevation. Who knew where the menders were; they probably didn’t think Bodhi was worth it.
So here he was. Fucking resting.
“When Kaori asked where you were, Aetos said that you were on medical leave.”
Yeah. Hence the resting.
“Bodhi!”
“What?” He groaned.
“It fucking smells in here.”
“I can’t walk.” He stuck his sore foot out from the blanket to show her.
He heard her suck in a breath as she took in his bruised toes. “When did you do that?”
“After…after he left.”
Her lips pursed in disappointment. “And you haven’t left your room since then?”
Bodhi rolled his eyes and reminded her, “I can’t walk.”
“No wonder it fucking reeks in here.”
Bodhi finally sat up in bed and glared at her. “It doessnot.”
She snorted. “Yeah it does.”
“Can you tosssme one of thossse bottles?” He gestured to the empty liquor bottles scattered around his room.
Nose wrinkling, she asked, “The empty ones?”
“Yeah.”
She started to move to grab one off the floor but stopped herself.
“Did you drink all of that?” Her brow furrowed. “Why?”
“I needa takeapiss.” He held his hand out expectantly. At her shocked expression he added, “What? I can’t walk.”
“Ew.” Imogen blinked back her disgust before ripping the blankets off Bodhi’s bed. “You’ll pee in the toilet like a human being or not at all.”
Imogen stuck her hands under Bodhi’s armpits and pulled him to his feet. The injured ankle gave out but Imogen slung her arm around him to shoulder his weight. He staggered forward, dragging her along with him.
“Amari, Bodhi.” Imogen’s voice dripped with disdain. “Are you drunk right now?”
“I can’t walk.”
Imogen mumbled something under her breath that Bodhi couldn’t make out.
Together, they made their way down the hall. Bodhi hesitated at the stairs, but Imogen dragged him down. It took longer than it should, but they made it to the bathroom.
If Bodhi thought she’d leave him outside, he was wrong.
“Imogen,” Bodhi said, “thissisthe men’ssroom.”
“So? It’s nowhere I haven’t been before.”
Bodhi’s eyes bulged as she dragged him in. A few of the guys inside gave them curious looks but no one said anything to them. They stopped before one of the stalls.
“Can you get your pants off?” she asked. “Or do I need to do it for you?”
Bodhi’s cheeks heated. He wasn’t entirely sure he could do it himself, but he really didn’t want to admit to being so pathetic. And as much as he loved Imogen, if she saw him naked, things would get awkward real quick.
“I don’t need your help.”
She looked at him like she didn’t believe him but stepped back to give him space anyway. “I’ll be right out here.”
Bodhi staggered into the stall and struggled with his pants. He crashed into the wall after putting too much pressure on his bad leg. It hurt worse than he remembered the other night.
Imogen called out to him but he ignored her, finally finding the seat. Ass against the porcelain, Bodhi slumped forward.
Gods, he hoped Imogen didn’t tell Garrick and Xaden about this. It would kill him if they knew how pathetic he was. And for what? Some boy? He moaned pathetically into his palms.
There was a bang on the stall door. “You better not be dying in there, Durran!”
“Mm fine,” Bodhi sniffed, wiping at his eyes.
The toilet flushed and Bodhi tried his best to stay on his feet before opening the door and collapsing into Imogen’s outstretched arms. She grunted at his weight but held him up.
“Oh, Bodhi.” Imogen’s voice was painfully soft as she brushed hair from his eyes. “You’re a mess.”
He couldn’t bring himself to respond.
They hobbled toward the showers without saying another word. He wasn’t sure how this was going to work, but didn’t ask any questions. He just wanted to get this over with so he could climb back into bed.
She propped him up against the wall and turned on the water.
“I don’t have a towel,” Bodhi protested in a final attempt to prevent the inevitable.
“Tough shit.” Imogen pushed him into the shower fully dressed.
Ice cold water shocked his body, sobering him instantly. As the pain roared back in his leg, Bodhi slid slowly down the wall. He hit the ground and pulled his knees up to his chest. His head hung low and his body shivered as he waited for the water to drown him.
He didn’t know how long he sat there, with water dripping down his nose. He didn’t bother to adjust the temperature, even as it chilled him to the bone. Warm water was only for good people and Bodhi didn’t deserve it.
Every second under the water was agony. He only bothered to stay in the shower because if he tried to leave too soon, Imogen would just force him back in. She’d want him to soap up and get clean, but he couldn’t. All he could do was sit there and wait for it to be over.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry, he willed himself. Cuir stirred in his mind, sending warmth down their bond. She needed to cut her losses and move on. He slammed his shields up, blocking her from his mind. Immediately, he was cold and empty again.
Curling in on himself, Bodhi let go of the sob he was choking back. He was just so tired. He couldn’t do it anymore.
Why did they even bother? Imogen and Cuir thought he could be more than he was, and he wished they’d just give up on him already. Didn’t they see how much worse they made it?
If they left him alone, then he’d have no one left to let down.
“Get up.”
Bodhi cracked open an eye as the water warmed. His face was pressed against the tile. The water pooling on the floor came up to the corner of his mouth, nearly to his nose. Bodhi didn’t remember laying down. He lifted his head up to get a better look.
Imogen was crouched before him, dressed in only her black undergarments. Water plastered her pink hair to the side of her face.
“Get up, Bodhi,” she repeated in a tone he wasn’t used to hearing from her. “You’re clean enough.”
He let his head drop back to the floor. Maybe if he stayed here long enough, he really would drown. Then he wouldn’t be anyone’s problem anymore.
Imogen grunted as her fingers closed around his biceps. She tried to tug him up but he resisted, his body deadweight in her arms.
“Amari, Bodhi. Get up.” She paused. “You’re scaring me.”
She let go, and his body dropped back to the floor. It hurt, and he savored the pain. It was the least he deserved.
“At least let me wash you if you won’t get up.”
He wished she wouldn’t, but he knew it was easier to just give in. Bodhi rolled on his back and didn’t protest as Imogen removed his shirt then his boot and sock. His soaked clothes slapped against the tile as she tossed them to the side. She left his underpants on.
He hated every second of it. He’d never felt like less of a man than he did then, splayed naked on the floor and soaking wet before Imogen. It only got worse as she soaped up his pits and shampooed his hair. Distantly, he wished dragons could fit in showers so Cuir could be the one to do this, rather than forcing Imogen to touch him.
He didn’t hear the footsteps approaching until it was too late.
“Whoa, sorry, I didn’t realize…" There was a pause. "What the fuck did I just walk in on?”
Bodhi’s chest contracted at Sawyer’s familiar voice. They’d been friends once, or so Bodhi thought, but after everything, there was no way he wouldn’t take Ridoc’s side. Probably hated Bodhi just as much as Ridoc did.
“Mind your own damn business, Henrick,” Imogen snarled. “And bring us some towels.”
“Imogen…” Sawyer stammered. “Fuck. Is he okay?”
“He’s fine. Just get the damn towels.”
“Bodhi?”
“Towels. Now.”
Sawyer’s footsteps retreated and Imogen let out a sigh. “Oh, Bodhi, what are we going to do with you?”
She ran her hand gently through his hair, and he wanted so badly to lean into her touch. To let her comfort and embrace him. But she deserved so much better than that.
“You don’t have to do that.” Bodhi’s voice was hoarse from disuse.
“Do what?” Imogen asked.
“Be nice to me.”
Emotion flashed through Imogen’s piercing green eyes. “Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”
“I don’t deserve it.” Bodhi’s eyes burned.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Bodhi tried to shush her, but she wasn’t having it. “No, Bodhi. You’re not fucking okay.”
“I’m a bad person.” His voice rose, too high and soft. It was so embarrassing. “Don’t be friends with me.”
“Don’t be friends—” Imogen softened. “Oh, Bodhi.”
She pulled him into her chest, squeezing so tightly that he could hardly breathe. Her lips brushed against his hair.
“I don’t deserve you,” he whispered.
“Too bad. You’re fucking stuck with me.”
***
Imogen brought Bodhi back to her dorm. If he’d had the energy, he’d have protested and forced her to take him back to his own space instead, but he didn’t. So he’d let her lay him down in her bed and tuck him in.
Months ago, he’d sworn to himself that he’d never get into a girl‘s bed again, and yet here he was. It was only Imogen’s bed, it wasn’t a backslide, but he still hated being here when he felt like this.
Tears leaked from the corners of his closed eyes as he silently cried and prayed for it all to stop. It made him want to—
Don’t finish that thought, Little One.
His eyes snapped open. He hadn’t realized his shields had come down. They wobbled as he tried to put his walls back up. But they fell again and again, no matter how hard he tried. Eventually, he gave up and decided just to ignore her presence in his mind.
Imogen sat in her favorite chair in the corner, one leg crossed over her knee. Her foot jiggled with nervous energy and she let out a huff.
Their eyes met and hers widened as if surprised he was looking at her. He was too slow to look away and he didn't have the energy for it anyway. All he could do was stare back at her catatonically.
“What do you need, Bodhi?” He hated how soft, how phony, her voice sounded. “Do you need to pee again? Quinn brought up sandwiches while you were out.”
He hadn’t been sleeping, but what was the point in telling her that anyway? Talking was hard, and right then, Bodhi needed something easy. His eyelids fluttered closed.
“Bodhi.” Irritation flared in her words, the edge to her voice much preferable to the fake sweetness she’d been using. “It’s been three damn hours and you haven’t so much as twitched.”
Not entirely true. He’d opened his eyes briefly. That should count as a twitch at the very least. It had taken enough effort to nearly drain him, after all.
“Fuck, Bodhi, look at me.”
He didn’t, and apparently, that pissed her off enough that the springs in her chair creaked as she stood. Stomping toward the bed, Imogen swore under her breath. A moment later, light nearly blinded him as she held his eyelids open. He tried to blink, but couldn’t.
“Gods dammit Bodhi, I’m trying to fucking talk to you. At least pretend to listen.”
A part of him wanted to scream at her, “Don’t touch me!” but his vocal chords wouldn’t cooperate, even as she knelt down beside the bed, bringing her face much too close to his. The last time they’d been this close, she’d given him the scar on his lip, and that wasn’t something he was eager to repeat. He knew he needed to move. To get out of her face.
His body refused.
“Alright, you’re going to talk to me now,” Imogen said, eyes blazing with fury.
Fat chance, Bodhi thought darkly. It wasn’t like she’d like anything he had to say anyway.
Imogen made a disgruntled noise before snapping sharply at him. “I’ve fucking had it Bodhi. This isn’t you.”
But it was him. That’s what she didn’t understand. Bodhi sucked. He was a terrible friend. A lazy rebel. A selfish lover.
“I’m fucking holding your eyes open, forcing you to look at me, and you won’t do anything about it. It’s pathetic.”
Bodhi’s eyes stung. Because they were being held open or because he wanted to cry, he wasn’t sure. All he knew was that Imogen was right. He was pathetic. Maybe now that she realized it, she’d give up on him and put her energy into something–some one –more worthwhile.
Imogen dropped her hands from his eyelids in disgust.
“Get yourself together, Bodhi. You’re embarrassing yourself.”
Bodhi’s ears roared in shock.
Get yourself together, Bodhi. You’re embarrassing yourself. Those were the last words his father had ever said to him. Right after Bodhi had begged his parents not to go into battle.
Imogen didn’t know that. She couldn’t have known it. He’d never told anyone, not even Xaden, what had happened that day. And yet, she’d somehow echoed it word for word.
His body felt cold, and hot, and oddly separate from himself.
He couldn’t be there right now. He couldn’t go through that again. He had to leave, had to get out of there., But he couldn’t. He couldn’t walk, and Imogen had made it clear that she wouldn’t take him anywhere or leave him alone for even a moment.
Still, he couldn’t look at her.
You’re embarrassing yourself.
“Fuck you,” Bodhi rasped, his voice grating in his throat. He didn’t know who he was saying it to. It didn’t matter.
It took all his energy, but eventually, Bodhi managed to roll over onto his other side, facing the wall. He pulled the blanket with him, covering his head.
He didn’t answer her beyond that. He couldn’t make his mouth work. What would he even say if he could?
She laughed coldly and he heard movement around the room. She was pacing back and forth next to the bed.
“If you don’t talk to me, I’m going to tell Carr you wanted to drop out and escape Basgiath.”
Empty threats. And even if she did, he’d deserve to be killed anyway. He was such a coward.
“I’m going to write to Xaden,” Imogen threatened.
Didn’t matter. Xaden didn’t give a shit about Bodhi. He’d wanted to replace Bodhi with Imogen as lead weapons smuggler.
“I’ll have Glane tell Aotrom to send Ridoc up. You do not want him to see you like this, trust me. It’s not attractive.”
Go for it, he wanted to tell her. It wasn’t like Ridoc would actually come. He didn’t care about Bodhi anymore. Maybe he never had.
Bodhi steeled himself against a sob.
“I’ll kiss you.”
Eww. She wouldn’t. That had been as bad for her as it was for him.
There was a longer pause this time. He could feel her glaring at him, but it was like moving through molasses to try and care at all. Bodhi felt like he was drifting, spiraling into the dark.
“I’ll throw out all your candies.”
…Well. That was just cruel.
Silence echoed through the room for a few heartbeats. And then from beneath the blankets, Bodhi mustered up a small, muffled, “No.”
His voice was sore and scratchy from disuse and tears, making him instantly regret saying anything. Especially because he knew once he started speaking, he wouldn’t be able to stop.
He heard Imogen snort. Some part of his brain registered it as a sound of relief. She muttered something to herself that sounded a bit like, “Fucking candy. I should have known.”
“Can I have one now?” He stuck his hand out from under the blanket and held it out to her.
Instead of sweets, Imogen placed her hand in Bodhi’s and squeezed. “You’re out of your mind if you think I’m about to get thrown out on my ass while trying to get into your pigsty of a room right now.”
Her voice was soft and warm with a hint of a joke in it. She didn’t sound so afraid anymore, and for some reason, that calmed Bodhi. Affectionately, she nudged his shoulder.
“Alright, move over.”
But he didn’t want to move, not when for the first time in days he was starting to feel safe.
“You think I’m giving up my entire bed for you?” Imogen continued.
You could let me go home, he thought to himself, but he found he didn’t really want to anymore.
“The hard way it is,” Imogen sighed.
Imogen pushed and Bodhi made a disgruntled noise in response. He felt the mattress creak and bounce as she climbed in beside him, bumping and elbowing him until she had enough room. Finally, she settled. Bodhi could feel her warmth beside him. To his relief, she didn’t try to comfort or hold him. He curled tighter into himself as she waved off the mage lights.
It was dark and quiet. Her breathing evened out. Maybe she’d just stay silent and he could go on pretending she wasn’t there.
If only he could be that lucky.
“I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you, Bodhi.” Her words startled him, and Bodhi’s body jolted. Guess he’d dozed off afterall. “Shit. Did I wake you?”
“No,” Bodhi lied.
Internally, he chastised himself. Lying was what got him into this mess in the first place, but he simply couldn’t help it. Lies rolled off his tongues like waves at the beach. They felt like an integral part of him. A security blanket. A safety net of sorts.
“Good.”
He buried his face into his pillow and steeled himself for what he was about to admit. It had to end now. “Actually, yes.”
“Yes? Yes what?” The bed squeaked as Imogen turned on her side.
“You did wake me up,” Bodhi clarified.
“I—” Imogen struggled to put her thoughts into words. “Why did you say no?”
The question annoyed Bodhi because the answer was obvious. “I lied.”
“But why?” Imogen prodded.
Gods, why couldn’t she just let this go? “It’s what I do.”
“What do you mean?” Worry flooded back into Imogen’s voice, hitting Bodhi in the chest like a ton of bricks.
“I am a liar.”
“Bodhi, I don’t understand.” She pulled on his shoulder until he rolled onto his back. His head turned on the pillow to look at her. “We’ve all lied. About Resson, and the venin, and the revolution. It doesn’t make us who we are.”
Bodhi laughed and felt Imogen flinch beside him at the hollow sound.
“Imogen, I’m not just talking about that. I’ve been lying about who I really am since I was fourteen.” He laughed again, more acridly this time. “Longer than that if I’m telling the truth.”
“Who have you lied to?”
The better question was who hadn’t Bodhi lied to.
“Everyone. All the time,” he answered.
In the darkness, Bodhi could just barely make out Imogen’s cinched brow and it made his fingernails dig into his palm. She was thinking way too hard about everything Bodhi had just admitted to when all he wanted her to do was stop. Or tell him what to feel and how to think. He couldn’t decide what he wanted anymore.
“Say something.” His heart suddenly pounded in his chest as he waited for her to damn him. He’d been so sure before that he needed to drive her away, that he wasn’t good enough to be her best friend, but now that he was doing it, and talking to her…terror gripped him.
She huffed out a sigh, her warm breath hitting the side of Bodhi’s neck as she exhaled. “I’m combing through memories of our childhood until now, and I can’t think of a single time you lied, other than that time when we were nine and raided your mother’s sweets jar.”
Bodhi let a moment pass in silence. Then another.
“Im,” he said finally, “I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”
“I’m not,” she said. “I can think of times Garrick lied, Xaden too, and even Liam. But you? Never.”
It was frustrating to hear her argue this with him and it made him want to shout or throw something or close up again. Had she forgotten the biggest lie he’d ever told? The one he’d kept secret from her until she’d seen him desperately kissing Liam’s corpse?
“I’m gay, Im,” Bodhi sighed. “I like dicks and balls and I let you all believe I was normal.”
She chuckled. “Who knew liking dicks and balls made us abnormal?”
“Us?” Bodhi hoped Imogen couldn’t see his face in the dark because the expression he made wasn’t kind. “You’re supposed to like boys.”
Not missing a beat, Imogen said, “And so are you.”
“That’s not how biology works. A man and a woman—”
Imogen clamped her hand over Bodhi’s mouth. “Enough. You are exactly how you’re supposed to be. The gods made you this way, and I don’t give a fuck what that man told you.”
That man. She’d never made her dislike of him a secret, even before he’d died. In the years since, her hatred for Bodhi’s father had only grown to the point that she refused to use his name. Bodhi’s feelings were more complicated and they weren’t something he could face right now. Or ever.
“He was a monster and a murderer. I don’t care what he did for the cause. I don’t care that he made you. You forget that I know exactly what he did to your mother because my mother was the one that had to put her back together.” Imogen seethed as a shock of pain radiated through Bodhi’s system. “He was a horrible human being and I’m fucking glad he’s gone.”
This…he couldn’t handle this.
He cleared his throat, eyes watering. “I told Eya I loved her.”
Imogen sucked in a breath and, for a moment, Bodhi worried that she was going to rail on his dad again. Instead, she agreed with him, which might have hurt worse. “Yeah, that’s not great.”
All his lies began to bubble up to the surface and he started to fire them off one after another. “I let Liam die thinking I had a crush on Violet.”
“You…what?”
Bodhi didn’t give her a chance to catch up. “I lied when you came to my room when we were sixteen, and I told you I wanted to finally kiss a girl—”
“Shut up!” She hissed. “We promised to take that to the grave.”
“I told Xaden and Garrick that Willa Grant was my first kiss, but I never kissed her.”
“Well,” Imogen shrugged, “we both lied about our first kiss. What’s the big deal?”
“I checked out girls with Garrick and Xaden,” Bodhi steamed forward, talking over her. “I pretended boobs were sexy and said things like ‘I wanna bury my face in that pussy.’”
Imogen snorted at that, but Bodhi didn’t understand why it was funny. She shook her head. “In retrospect, that should have raised some flags. Men never want to reciprocate.”
Now that he was going he couldn’t stop the flood, even as he was sure each lie would make her hate him more. “I told my dad I was studying with you, but really I met up with Anton Hayes and we kissed in his mother’s garden. I told him you and I were dating. I asked him for the tonic.”
“Why would you tell Anton Hayes you were dating me?”
“Not Anton. My dad.” Bodhi buried his face in his pillow. “The point is, lying comes naturally to me.” His voice cracked with emotion. “I’ve been lying for so long that I don’t know how to be truthful.” He slammed his hand onto the bed in frustration. “How can any of you even stand me?”
Silence filled the dark room.
All Bodhi could hear was the thundering of his own heart as he waited for Imogen to answer. It was taking too long. He just knew that she was about to throw him out, to reject him just like his father had. He was too queer, drew too much attention. He put them all in danger simply by existing. Couldn’t she see that?
“If I answer that question, Bodhi,” Imogen whispered, voice shaking. “Then you have to promise me something.”
“Anything.” He regretted it immediately, because there were some things he would never do. But suddenly, her answer mattered more to him than breathing. She had to put him out of his misery.
“Okay. We’ll trade one-for-one. I’m going to ask you questions and you fucking answer them honestly. No lying.” She swallowed. “And you can ask me whatever you want and I’ll answer honestly too.”
“Okay.”
Bodhi let out a long breath. This was something he could handle. He hoped…
“You might be an idiot sometimes, but we love you,” Imogen said. Bodhi opened his mouth to respond, but she cut him off. “And if you hate that we love a liar, then stop lying. Not that hiding your sexuality is lying, but we’ll work on that later.”
Anguish coursed through him. If only it was that easy. Stop lying. Why hadn’t he tried that? Oh, that’s right, he’d been trying and it just wasn’t fucking working.
He managed only a single word. “How?”
“One sentence at a time, I guess.” Imogen looped her arm through his and pulled him close. “What happened with Ridoc?”
“No.” He yanked his arm away. “I’m not getting into that.”
“That’s how this works. You asked and I answered. It’s my turn now.” She snatched his arm back. “You promised me anything. Was that a lie?”
“I’m not sure,” Bodhi answered truthfully. A thought occurred to him and he swallowed. “Have you ever stolen a memory from me?”
He wasn’t sure why that was the first question he asked…but he’d always wondered. Did it leave a mark? If she told him, would he be able to pinpoint the moment it happened? What did it feel like to lose a memory?
“Hey!” Imogen complained. “You can’t just skip me! It’s still my turn.”
“You asked me if my promise was a lie and I answered.” Bodhi felt his lips twitch. It wasn’t often that Imogen let herself get tricked, and despite everything, he felt a little ripple of pride in himself. “Now you have to answer mine.”
“No.” Imogen ground out the word as her fingernails dug into Bodhi’s skin. “I can’t. Your signet blocks it.”
Shit. He hadn’t expected to find out that she’d actually tried. What had she tried to erase? His mind spun with nauseating possibilities.
“What happened with Ridoc?” Imogen pressed.
Bodhi’s chest cracked. For the briefest of moments, he’d forgotten everything that had gone down with Ridoc and what a shit fucking person Bodhi was for doing it to him. Now it all came rushing back like a tidal wave.
“Pass,” he croaked.
“There’s no passing.”
“Pass.” Gods, he sounded fucking pathetic.
“Fine,” she huffed. “Are you still in love with Liam?”
“I will always love Liam, but I think—” Bodhi stumbled over his words. “I think it’s time for me to let him go.” Gods, that hurt to admit out loud. “Who did you fuck in the men’s room?”
“Lamani Zohar, last year.” Imogen paused for a moment and then asked. “Why the fuck did Liam think you liked Violet?”
“He caught me staring at him one too many times and I let him draw his own conclusions. He never once, as far as I know, considered that I might be staring at him.” And that fucking hurt more than he could ever explain. Bodhi’s insides squirmed as another terrible thought occurred to him. “Are all your questions going to be about him?”
“No.” He could just make out the curve of her lips in the dark. Fuck. He’d made a mistake asking that. It counted as his question. “Why are you so afraid to stop lying?”
Bodhi’s heart stopped. He couldn’t tell her that. Gods knew, she probably already thought so little of him after his other revelations; this would certainly be too much. Still, there was a way to answer this without lying and without giving up too much of himself, if he was careful.
“Do you remember Miles Olsen?” Bodhi asked, quickly adding, “This isn’t part of the game.” He wasn’t wasting a question on Miles Olsen, he just wanted to make sure Imogen knew who he was talking about.
She shook her head. “Should I?”
“He went to school with us for a few years after his father was transferred to Aretia. Tall and blonde?”
“So, Liam?”
“Not Liam. He used to wear this funny orange hat?”
If Imogen remembered, she didn’t say anything.
“I think Miles was the first boy I had a crush on, or at least that I was aware of.” He took a few deep, calming breaths before continuing. “We were eating dinner, just the three of us, me, Mom and Dad, and I asked them if I could play with Miles after school. Only I didn’t call him Miles. I called him ‘a cute boy.’”
Bodhi swallowed. “I knew right away that I’d said something wrong because my dad dropped his silverware on his plate and started grilling me. He was so angry that it made me shake in my seat.”
This next part was the part Bodhi hated.
“He started asking me questions that I didn’t understand, like, ‘What’s this boy’s name?’ Miles. ‘What does his father do?’ He’s a guard at Riorson house. ‘Do you often think other boys are cute?’ Yes. ‘What about girls?’ No.”
Bodhi had to swallow before continuing. His throat was so tight. “When he was done interrogating me, Mom cried and he stormed out of the house. I remember her asking me why I said all those things. Telling me that I shouldn’t have said those things. Asking me if I’d understood what I’d just done. And I didn’t, but I would soon.”
“The next day,” Bodhi said after taking a breath, “Miles wasn’t in class. Or the day after. Or the one after that. Eventually I asked Xaden about it, and he found out that Miles’s dad was transferred to Lewellyn on my father’s orders.”
“Shit, Bodhi. You don’t think—”
“I know he did it because of what I said, and after Miles, I started keeping things like that to myself and just saying what he wanted to hear. Because no one got hurt that way.”
He could feel Imogen shaking next to him. “If he was alive, I’d kill him for the way he made you feel. Like you were something to be ashamed of.”
“You’d have to fight Xaden and Garrick both for that honor.”
“Easy,” Imogen laughed, but the sound wasn’t as robust as it usually was. “It’s your turn to ask a question.”
Bodhi thought long and hard, trying to find a question worth giving up that particular truth for. “What did you and Garrick agree to when he was here?”
True to her word, she answered without protest. “That a relationship would throw off the group’s dynamic. We don’t want to be the next Bodhi and Eya or Xaden and Sorrengail.”
“Ouch,” Bodhi rubbed at his chest like he could massage away the hurt.
“Who are your lies protecting?”
Fuck. No.
Bodhi struggled to sit up, throwing the blankets off himself, but he was blocked in by Imogen. His palms began to sweat as his chest heaved. Gods, he was going to be sick in her bed. Without warning, he slammed his shields up to block out Cuir. She didn’t need to witness this.
“I don’t want to play anymore.”
“You made me a promise, Bodhi.” Imogen reminded him.
“Imogen, please.” His mind raced. How could he get out of this one? “Pass.”
“No passing. You need to face this if you’re going to get better.”
Maybe he didn’t want to get better. Had Imogen ever considered that? Of course not. Anger surged through him.
“It’s me!” The words ripped from Bodhi’s mouth without his permission and he bit down on his hand to keep himself from spilling any more secrets. A tear slipped from his eye, and he wiped it away with his free hand. “I—”
Fuck. He couldn’t say it. It wasn’t fair. He shouldn’t have to.
Imogen pressed her forehead to Bodhi’s shoulder. “Just talk to me,” she whispered against his suddenly damp skin. “I can’t lose you, Bodhi.”
“I wish I wasn’t like this.” Sniffling, Bodhi tried his best to put his fears into words. “Lying protects me from all of you knowing the fucked-up pathetic person I really am. And it keeps me from worrying that I’ll ruin you with my stain.”
Tears welled in his eyes and he blinked, sending them rolling down his cheeks.
“If I just keep pretending everything's fine, and that I'm fine being in charge of the weapons runs now, then no one will know how close to falling apart I am all the fucking time."
“Oh, Bodhi,” Imogen whispered. He wished she would fucking stop. He didn’t want or need her pity.
“It walls me off from having to talk about the stupid revolution. The revolution is nothing but stress and anxiety and the risk of death from every angle. I don’t want to fucking do it anymore. I just want to be normal. Why can’t I be normal? Why us? It’s not fucking fair, Imogen.”
A strangled sound slipped out and it took him far too long to compose himself.
“If I lie about it I—I can pretend there's a part of me that doesn't need to worry about it, you know?”
Bodhi choked back a sob and Imogen squeezed his arm in silent understanding. She didn’t push him or prod him for more, for which he was grateful. It allowed him time to collect his thoughts and admit to the heart of it all. First to himself and then to her.
“And...it protects me from letting down my dad.” Bodhi didn’t bother to try and keep his voice steady, allowing it to pitch up and take on a nasal quality. “I know he’d be ashamed of the man I am today.”
Admitting that was like willingly diving into a frozen lake. Like eating uncooked chicken or approaching a hostile dragon. Like kissing your best friend’s dead body and wishing more than anything that it was you instead.
It tore him open, and no matter how hard he tried to keep himself together, he shattered. Just another reason for his father to resent him.
In all his life, he didn’t think he’d ever felt so much at once. Disappointment cascaded down his cheeks as rage warred in his heart. Despair pressed against his chest and fear assaulted the walls of his stomach. But through it all, deep down in his core, Bodhi felt something he didn’t expect to feel.
Relief.
Fuck it. Bodhi didn’t even try to hold back the tears anymore. It was gritty and ugly and raw and Imogen was right there watching. He couldn’t hide anymore. If she wanted to run from him, so be it. He didn’t have the energy to fight himself anymore.
But she didn’t run. Instead, she wrapped her arms around Bodhi and snuggled against him.
“You are a better man than he ever was,” Imogen said. “And protecting yourself from him doesn’t make you a liar. It makes you human.”
He wasn’t sure how long he sobbed before he collected himself enough, barely, to form words.
“Are we still playing?” Bodhi asked through his tears.
“Only if you want to,” Imogen replied.
He needed to. Needed to say something and think about something else for a bit. He took a deep breath. “Are you okay with just being his friend?”
“Garrick?”
Bodhi nodded.
“No.”
They were quiet for a few seconds and Bodhi wondered if maybe Imogen had fallen asleep.
“Are you okay being friends with Ridoc?”
Bodhi’s stomach clenched. Right then, even that much seemed out of reach for him. He’d do anything to be friends with Ridoc again—but even that wouldn’t be enough. Something had changed for him when Ridoc walked out that door. It felt like he’d taken a core piece of Bodhi with him. A piece he couldn’t survive without.
“No.”
***
Tingling in his arm woke Bodhi the next morning. It was tucked under Imogen’s body, her shoulder pressing hard against it, leaving Bodhi with a choice: wait for her to wake up as his arm continued to go numb, or wake the beast.
Seeing as she’d probably saved his life last night, he decided to let her sleep in. If she missed morning formation, Bodhi could just write her an excuse note. Say she was helping him with his sprained ankle or something.
And if he needed a new arm after losing so much circulation, well, he probably deserved that.
Just like he deserved the pounding headache and dry mouth he was suffering through from all the alcohol and crying last night. He was seriously dehydrated.
Luckily for Bodhi—and his arm—Imogen woke only minutes after he did. Her big green eyes blinked blearily up at him before she shifted, murmuring, “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” Bodhi forced himself to smile. “After last night, you could use me as a punching bag, and I’d still thank you.”
Imogen sat up and the blankets fell down, revealing her giant nightshirt with an image of three dragons on it, howling at the moon. She extended her arms out in front of her, leaning over and then twisted toward Bodhi, stretching her spine. Embarrassment pooled in Bodhi’s gut and he quickly looked away when he realized her breasts were unbound under the shirt.
Imogen snorted. “You hate boobs that much?”
“Just trying to be respectful,” he grumbled.
“Don’t. It’s weird.” She grabbed his chin and forced him to meet her gaze. “How are you feeling?” Imogen’s smile faded away as she studied his face. “Last night was…intense.”
Bodhi sat up too and leaned back against the headboard, his head tilted away from her toward the window. The sun was just starting to peek out from behind the curtain.
“Rough,” he answered honestly. “But better. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come to get me.”
“I was terrified you were going to hurt yourself.” She glanced down to where his foot stuck out from beneath the blanket. “Worse than that.”
“I know.” He wanted to reassure her. To tell her that he wouldn’t have, that everything would have been fine. But Bodhi was done lying. And that meant that Imogen would have to face some hard truths alongside him.
Imogen swung her legs over the side of the bed and got up. They didn’t talk while she changed into her uniform. She laced up her boots and then sat at the desk to comb out her hair.
“Are you coming to class today?” Imogen asked as the brush ran through her pink locks. “At least to watch.”
“Yeah,” Bodhi said. He really didn’t want to, but he also didn’t want to give Imogen another reason to worry. “But I’m going to skip formation and Battle Brief.”
Imogen tsked and set down her brush, whirling to face him. “Why?”
It was more an accusation than a question.
Bodhi swallowed, suddenly nervous. He couldn’t lie so he just stared back at her, resisting the urge to blink.
“Because you’re avoiding him,” Imogen correctly deduced. “What happened between you two after I left? And don’t ignore me, because lying by omission is still lying, Bodhi.”
He flopped over on her bed, hiding his face in the linens. “I fucked everything up.”
“I gathered that much.” She motioned at him to keep going.
“We argued, and then I told him how I felt, and he didn’t feel the same.”
Imogen’s eyes softened. “If that’s the case then I think you misunderstood.”
Bodhi shook his head. Ridoc had been incredibly, painfully clear. He wasn’t having fun with Bodhi. “He thinks I’m a bad person.”
“No, he doesn’t,” Imogen insisted. “And I don’t either. Remember, you thought I thought you were a bad person.”
His hand fisted involuntarily in the sheets. She didn’t understand.
“When you’re upset, Bodhi,” Imogen continued, “you shut down and project your own self hatred onto others. Trust me.”
The bed sagged as she sat beside him and placed her hand over his. “The man is obsessed with you. He was such a wreck when you were dating Cohen, coming up here all the time to commiserate with me about Garrick.”
“That was before he found out I was a liar.”
“Gods, Bodhi. Not this again. I’m so fucking tired of the self pity party. I get it, you lied. Get over it and do something about it before it’s too late.”
“I’m sorry.” Bodhi sank into himself, suddenly feeling very very small once again.
“Shit.” She rubbed soothing circles on his back. “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. I should have—never mind. Tell me exactly how the conversation went.”
Bodhi scrunched his eyes closed and tried to remember the exact words he’d said to Ridoc.
When he was sure he had it all he said, “First Ridoc asked, ‘What are you doing with me?’ and it made my heart flutter because I think that’s the moment that I realized how much better my life has been with Ridoc.” Imogen smiled at him and nodded encouragingly. “So then I said ‘“I’ve never had more fun with anyone.’”
Imogen’s face fell but Bodhi ignored her, needing to get it all out before he chickened out. “So he said, ‘Right, well, I’m not having fun.’” Imogen grimaced at him and let out an exasperated sigh. "And then I apologized.”
Bodhi shrugged pathetically as Imogen pinched the bridge of her nose.
“Okay,” Imogen started. “I’m going to say this with love, do you understand me?”
“Yes.”
“It doesn’t make you a liar or a bad person or whatever else you might think that you are, okay?”
“Okay.” Bodhi was starting to get worried. He wiped his sweaty palms against the sheets.
“Ridoc asked you to define your relationship, and you told him that it wasn’t serious.”
Bodhi’s mouth dropped and Imogen looked at him with those damn pitying eyes that he was getting so tired of seeing on her.
“No, I didn’t.” Bodhi said, panicking. “I told him I loved him.”
“Nope.” She shook her head sadly. “Fun is code for nothing serious.”
Horror washed over Bodhi as he realized the colossal mistake he’d made.
“Shit, shit, shit!” Bodhi’s fist pounded into the mattress with each increasingly loud explicative. “Imogen, I fucked up so badly.”
“He’s probably heartbroken right now. He probably has been all fucking weekend. I know how much he cares, he usually won’t shut up about it,” Imogen said, her words like salt pressing into his wounds. “You need to set him—”
Imogen was cut off by a knock at the door.
“Durran?” a voice called. “Are you in there?”
Great. Bodhi rolled over onto his back, dragging the pillow along with him and trying to smother himself. The last thing he needed right now was Dain Aetos breathing down his neck.
“Go away, Aetos,” Imogen called. “We’re busy.”
Bodhi groaned and Imogen shot him a questioning look.
“He’s going to think we’re fucking!”
“So?” Imogen’s brow quirked.
“So I’m not supposed to be lying anymore.”
“Technically,” Imogen corrected. “You’re not. I’m the one letting Dain ‘draw his own conclusions.’”
Bodhi rolled out of the bed, painfully aware that he was only wearing boxers. He padded softly over to the door, wincing with each painful step, and pulled it open.
Dain Aetos was already fully dressed with his beard neatly trimmed. Bodhi nearly rolled his eyes. It was too early for this. He forced himself to smile, leaning against the door frame to take pressure off his injury.
“How can I help you, Wingleader?”
Aetos’s eyes flared, taking in first Bodhi’s naked torso and then Imogen, whose hair was still only half brushed. He pushed past Bodhi into the room.
“You know I’m going to have to move one of you to a different section, right?” he said without preamble.
“And why’s that?” With her hand on her hip, the other on her dagger, and a glare on her face, Imogen looked quite formidable.
Aetos, to his credit, didn’t cower. “Because I can’t have one of my section leaders fucking one of his cadets.”
Bodhi blinked. Oh fuck no. There was no way he was letting Aetos move Imogen to another section. Gingerly, Bodhi took a step forward, ready to go down swinging if he had to, but Imogen subtly shook her head and turned to Aetos.
“Relax, Aetos,” Imogen smirked. “I’m not Bodhi’s type. Too many curves.”
Aetos’s brows rose. “You two aren’t sleeping together?”
“Nope.”
“But he—” Aetos gestured at Bodhi, “spent the night here?”
“I’m actually not seeing anyone.” Bodhi’s chest throbbed as he thought about Ridoc.
Aetos looked like he didn’t quite believe Bodhi, so Bodhi continued. If he was going to win Ridoc back, he had to start embracing honesty now. “I’ve had dalliances with cadets throughout the quadrant, including one cadet from Fourth Wing Flame Section. It happened one time, and I am not romantically involved with him.” Bodhi emphasized the pronoun to get the point across.
Aetos’s eyes widened and he looked to Imogen as if to ask her if she knew. Smugly, Imogen cocked her head and smiled back with a clear, I told you.
“Seeing as we all saw you kiss Violet Sorrengail on the flight field last year, I’d like to request the same leniency for Bodhi that you were granted for the indiscretion,” she purred.
Aetos’s brows furrowed as he thought it over. Bodhi could almost hear Aetos reciting the Codex, looking for a way to punish Bodhi without being a hypocrite.
Finally Aetos sighed, “Fine. Provided that you disclose to me if and when it happens again.”
Bodhi nodded, willing to accept the decision since it wasn’t likely that Ridoc would ever want to kiss him again. His traitorous heart clenched again and the image of Ridoc’s perfectly plush lips flashed before him. Swallowing, Bodhi took a moment to compose himself. “Okay.”
“Now that that’s settled,” Aetos said, taking a seat in Imogen’s desk chair.
“I didn’t ask you to stay, Aetos,” Imogen growled, which he pointedly ignored.
“I came to ask you about one of your first-years,” Aetos said to Bodhi, sitting straight-backed and looking very uncomfortable. “Actually, you can help with this too, Cardulo.”
“Which cadet?”
“Aaric Graycastle.” Bodhi nodded to show he was following. Aetos leaned forward. “How likely is he to survive the Gauntlet and Threshing?”
Bodhi blinked. “Graycastle?” Aetos nodded in confirmation so Bodhi continued. “He’s the top first-year in Flame Section. I don’t see why he wouldn’t survive, unless he does something incredibly stupid.”
“Which he won’t,” Imogen added. “Unless Sloane gets herself into trouble, in which case he’ll turn into a lovestruck fool.”
“Sloane will be fine,” Bodhi said, as if saying it out loud would help him believe it.
“Alright, thanks.” Tension released from Aetos’s face and he smiled—something that Bodhi thought he only did when sucking up to professors—almost making it seem like Aetos actually cared about the guy. But Bodhi knew Aetos too well to believe that.
“Why?” Bodhi blurted out before he could think better of it.
Aetos shrugged. “I wanted to know who I should put my money on.”
***
Garrick,
Drop whatever you’re doing and find an excuse to get to Basgiath. Bodhi’s not okay and I’m scared.
Up Yours,
Imogen