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Five Birthdays and a Funeral

Chapter 6: asked for the truth, look who I found

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The sun rises to break the night, casting a golden glow through the skylights over Ed’s skin and making him look nothing short of ethereal. But he is solid and real in Stede’s arms, lying on his side and facing away. He is perfectly still, but Stede can tell that he’s awake—his breaths careful and deliberate, his body a bit too tense. As if trying not to scare off a skittish animal.

Stede squeezes him a bit and buries his face in the wealth of hair at the back of Ed’s head, mumbling a soft “good morning”. The tension slips out of Ed’s muscles as he sighs and melts against Stede’s front.

“Morning.”

Stede brushes Ed’s hair back to gain access to his shoulder, placing open kisses to Ed’s sleep-warm skin while his hands wander. Ed wriggles his ass, pressing against Stede’s cock, but Stede’s own hardness is not what’s important to him right now.

He takes his time mapping out Ed’s body with his palm, starting from his collarbone and making his way down Ed’s silver-dusted chest, pausing to play with his nipples for a bit, then continuing further downwards. Reaching the trail of hair starting at his navel, following it down until he finally wraps his hand around Ed’s cock.

Ed’s breath hitches and his hips push into Stede’s hand, which he takes as encouragement. Stroking firmly while hugging Ed tight, murmuring sweet praises into his skin, words that mingle with Ed’s soft moans in the morning calm.

Stede tugs faster, moaning a bit himself when Ed squirms, ass rubbing against his cock.

“Wait, I want to—”

Stede lets go as Ed turns around to face him. His breath is momentarily stolen away by the look on Ed’s face—the vulnerability in his brown eyes, the unspoken words lingering at his slightly parted lips. Stede catches them, takes his time kissing him before gently pushing Ed onto his back and making his way down Ed’s front.

With limited experience to draw from—only the few minutes of dragging out the time until midnight the day before, really—Stede might as well experiment, running his tongue up Ed’s shaft before taking him into his mouth. Ed groans and sinks his fingers into Stede’s hair, clearly hesitating to press his head down. Stede flicks his tongue over the head and pulls off.

“Tell me what you like, Edward.”

“What I—yeah, sure, I’ll—ohhh fuck—”

Stede wraps his lips around the head again, sucks and hums, and is rewarded by Ed gripping his hair. He likes the way that feels, the desperate pull, so he repeats the same thing a few times while working his hand at the base of Ed’s cock.

Fffuuuck, Stede, that’s so—hhnngh bit more tongue, please, yeah—”

Stede swirls his tongue, getting a little lightheaded at the taste and deciding he needs more. He licks Ed’s cock up and down, from base to tip, covering all of him with his drool, dropping his hand to fondle his balls. It all gets a little sloppy, but judging by the sounds Ed makes, that seems to be a good thing.

“Yes, yes, fuck, Stede—ahhhnghneedyourmouth, up here, here.” Ed pulls Stede’s head up by his hair and guides his cock to his lips, and Stede gives a slow, teasing lick (“fu-huhnnngh”) before happily taking Ed into his mouth again.

When Ed’s grip tightens against his scalp, Stede gives an encouraging hum around him.

“Okay, need your hand again too, fuck—yeah, that’s it—” Ed’s next groan sounds like it comes all the way from where Stede is working, using his hand and mouth together. It’s more straining for his neck than he expected, bobbing his head up and down, but it’s all worth it for the response he gets, feeling Ed come undone before him. Doesn’t mind his eyes watering either, or gagging when Ed’s cock hits the back of his throat, single-mindedly focused on bringing Ed pleasure.

His saliva is dripping down Ed’s shaft, easing the slide of his hand, and when he adds a bit of suction, Ed makes a strangled noise and gives up on restraining himself from bucking into Stede’s mouth. Stede hums his encouragement and ups his pace, meeting the small thrusts of Ed’s hips.

“—keep going, little more, little more, ah, ahhh—”

Warm come floods Stede’s mouth, and he pulls off, working Ed through it with his hand. Thick spurts hit his face and drip down his chin, and he nearly gets some in his eye too, staring enraptured at Ed’s muscles contracting and convulsing as he rides out his orgasm. It’s possibly the single hottest thing he has ever seen.

When Stede has stroked him dry, Ed goes limp, his hold on Stede’s hair slacking. Only now does Stede realize how tight his grip was, but the sting is delicious, and he grins to himself as he swallows what hasn’t dribbled from his mouth.

“Ed? All good?”

Ed doesn’t answer. Stede wipes his hand on the sheets and crawls up to lie beside him.

“Ed?”

Ed throws his arm over his face, breaths still coming out in sharp pants. Still no answer.

“Ed? You there?”

“Mmmno.”

“Was it alright?”

Ed finally blinks his eyes open, drawing a deep breath and looking at Stede with an incredulous expression.

“I think I blacked out there for a moment.”

“And is that… good?”

Ed huffs and cradles Stede’s cheek.

“Fuck, made a mess of you, didn’t I?” Something short-circuits in Stede’s brain as Ed wipes a bit of his own come off Stede’s chin with his thumb and brings it to his own mouth, sucking it clean.

“I don’t mind,” Stede says, fixated on the way Ed’s lips wrap around his thumb.

“Can I take care of you too?”

Stede’s erection is pressing into Ed’s thigh. He shakes his head. “Already came twice last night, not sure I can do it again. If I were a younger man—”

“—then you wouldn’t be the hot DILF I’ve been dying to drag back into bed. Yeah, I follow your Insta. Fucking tease.”

Stede rolls his eyes, but smiles and changes the subject. “I think I need a shower. And a toothbrush, if you have an extra.”

“Yeah, me too.” Ed hesitates, the small crease appearing between his eyebrows. “Stay here a little longer, though?”

Stede nods, and after shuffling around for a bit, he ends up with Ed pressed along his back. It’s comfortable and safe, his mind shutting up completely, all the sheep herded into a nice little paddock that feels awfully similar to the circle of Ed’s arms around his middle.

Ed’s warm breath tickles the back of his neck, and is followed up with soft kisses, and he nearly falls asleep again when the sound of two phones buzzing at the same time brings him back to full wakefulness.

With a disgruntled sound, he props himself up on his elbow and tries to locate where his jeans ended up last night. Ed reaches over him to take his own phone from the nightstand on Stede’s side. Nearly hanging half his body over the side of the bed, Stede manages to reach the edge of a pant leg and reel in the rest, finding his phone in his pocket just when it vibrates again.

He shifts back into his former position, and Ed moves in behind him, resting his head on Stede’s shoulder and holding his phone up next to Stede’s. They got identical texts.

Roach: Dear friends, please join us in honoring our beloved Karl for his burial at sea at 2 this afternoon. The service and memorial will take place on Buttons’ boat. Wake to follow, feel free to bring your beverages of choice.

Stede got a second text.

Lucius: Stede, Buttons wants you to officiate the funeral, can I tell him you’ll do it?

They both text Roach back that they’ll be there, and Stede sends Lucius an extra confirmation too, though he’s a little surprised that they want him to lead the proceedings.

Ed’s shower is nice and spacious and has a rainfall showerhead similar to the one Stede sometimes misses from his old house. It’s big enough for two, and Ed ends up sucking Stede off anyway, kneeling on the tiles and looking like some kind of sea god as he makes Stede see God.

Just when Stede is in the middle of kissing the taste of himself from Ed’s mouth, there is scratching on the door. Stede can feel Ed about to draw back, so he cradles Ed’s head and hugs him closer. Ed melts back into his embrace, warm water still cascading over them. It doesn’t last much longer, though—a loud, sorrowful MEEOOUW makes Ed pull away with an apologetic look.

“She’s hungry. Should’ve had breakfast an hour ago.”

Stede sighs and tilts his head, squeezing Ed’s sides just above his waist. “Fine, guess I’ll have to share you.”

Ed’s smile at that could brighten up the whole world, and there’s something else there too, maybe surprise or… hopefulness? In any case, Stede smiles back and gives him one more squeeze before letting go.

They quickly finish up and dry off, and Stede borrows a toothbrush. Ed finishes first, and when he opens the door, Nova and Stede have eye contact for half a second before she darts off.

“It’s okay, baby, this is Stede.” Nova answers with an insistent trilling sound from downstairs, and Stede snorts out a laugh. Ed shrugs.

“I’ll put some clothes on the bed for you. Then I’ll—uh… make breakfast?” Ed looks like he’s waiting for an answer to what is technically a statement, so Stede nods and hums before spitting out his mouthful of toothpaste.

“Okay,” Ed says, sounding almost relieved. “See you downstairs.”

Stede slowly rinses his toothbrush while listening to Ed chatter to Nova. He finds himself smiling, a warm feeling spreading under his skin.

Ed has laid out a pair of sweatpants, a t-shirt, and a pair of woolen socks. Stede immediately decides he needs to ask Ed where he got them. They’re the softest things he’s ever worn, which is saying a lot, since he owns several pairs of silk stockings. This is a different kind of soft, like wearing a hug on his feet, and he stands in the bedroom for way too long just to feel the floor heating seep through the knitting.

There were countless days where he’d wake up and only be able to force himself out of bed after pushing a feeling of dread aside. Or trying to, because more often than not, it would persist, weighing heavily on his chest no matter where he went. Standing in Ed’s bedroom, hearing him move about downstairs while humming to himself, those days feel more distant. Not entirely gone, not certain they’ll keep away completely, but it feels as if the previously ever-present ball of dread at the pit of his stomach has dissolved somewhat. Like he is on the verge of something clicking into place.

He picks up his own clothes and phone and brings them with him downstairs. Ed looks up—he is also wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt and has put his hair up in a messy bun. The delicious smell of cooking eggs reaches Stede’s nostrils. Ed seems to be making scrambled eggs.

“It’ll be more like brunch,” Ed says, nodding at the digital clock on the microwave. It’s almost eleven.

“Sounds good,” Stede says, putting his stuff in a pile on one of four bar stools by the kitchen island. Today, he has the time to look around properly. The kitchen is open concept, one end of a large, L-shaped room with a giant sofa and TV at the other end. Large, colorful paintings adorn the walls where there aren’t shelves filled with medical textbooks and orderly clutter. Stede restrains himself from going to look at it all immediately, because there’s something much more tempting in front of him.

“Good morning, beautiful,” Stede mumbles, sliding his arms around Ed’s middle. He starts leaving a trail of kisses along Ed’s hairline, from behind one ear to the other. Ed shivers as Stede’s lips tickle the small, wispy curls at the back of his neck.

“Good morning. Or… noon. Almost.”

“It’s morning whenever you decide to get up.”

Ed makes a skeptical sound but continues stirring the eggs. Stede finishes his journey to Ed’s right earlobe and sucks it gently between his teeth. This may be the first time he’s seen Ed without any earrings. Stede noses into the side of his beard, breathing in the scent of the fancy beard oil he saw Ed put into it in the bathroom. Bergamot, lavender, vanilla.

“I love your beard.”

“Hm. Thought about shaving it off, actually.”

Stede’s first instinct is to be horrified at the idea, because he really does love the long, full beard, but that’s probably not the nicest reaction to show in this moment. Good thing Ed can’t see his face right now anyway.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, or maybe not all of it, just—shorter. Bit impractical like this, especially at work.”

Stede nods so that Ed can feel it against his neck. The more he thinks about it, the more curious he is about what Ed would look like with a short beard. Probably not any less gorgeous.

Then, Stede’s thoughts drift to what he would look like with a long beard like Ed’s, and whether Ed would like it, and he’s just about to ask when Ed speaks first.

“Oh, before I forget!” Ed gently breaks out of Stede’s embrace and strides over to the fridge. “Thought you might want this with your eggs?” He takes out a bottle of ketchup and hands it to Stede.

It’s unopened.

It’s Stede’s favorite brand.

That he mentioned to Ed once.

Ed, who doesn’t usually eat ketchup. Ed, who couldn’t have known for sure that Stede would stay overnight. Or come over, ever. Ed, who apparently, at some point in the last month, thought he’d buy a large bottle of Stede’s favorite ketchup just in case.

Ed, who turns every one of Stede’s days into another day to end alive.

It clicks into place.

Stede loves him.

Stede loves him.

And he is realizing it over stupid fucking ketchup.

“Uh—is it—is it the wrong one?”

Stede takes his first breath in forever and lifts his gaze to Ed, who looks worried.

“It’s perfectly right,” Stede says, and the tension drops from Ed’s shoulders.

“Good! Let’s eat at the table.”

Stede stands frozen in place with his epiphany stuck behind his lips as Ed takes bread rolls out of the oven and arranges scrambled eggs on two plates. He darts back and forth from the round table near the corner of the room while Stede just looks at him. Soon, the table is set with plates and cutlery, bread in a basket, butter, cheese, and marmalade. Stede is still holding the ketchup.

He shakes himself out of it when Ed gives him a questioning look. Smiling, feeling like the air is lighter in his lungs, he sits down next to Ed.

“Did you bake these?” he asks as he cuts open a bread roll.

“Uh—no, I cheated. They’re from the freezer, just heated them.”

“You know, you could’ve told me you’d baked them yourself and I’d be none the wiser.”

Ed huffs out a small laugh and rubs the back of his neck. “Well, thought I’d be honest.”

“I like that.”

“Do you bake?”

“Oh no. I tried. Even got a sourdough starter from Vera—my boss. No successes there, I’m afraid.”

“Maybe you just need more practice.” Ed puts a spoonful of jam on top of the slice of cheese on his bread roll. Stede unscrews the cap of the ketchup bottle to peel off the seal.

“Maybe, but I’ll have to eat a lot of shitty bread in the meantime.”

“I’ll eat your shitty bread.”

Ed’s eyes sparkle. Stede loves him.

Distracted by his thoughts, Stede realizes too late that he forgot to shake the bottle before squeezing ketchup over his scrambled eggs. He scrunches up his face at the thin liquid preceding the sauce.

“Yuck. Ketchup precome.”

Ed chokes on his food and has to hold a hand over his mouth. Before he’s fully done coughing and swallowing, he wheezes, “Ketchup precome?

“What else would you call it?”

“Anything else.”

“I think it’s the perfect name for it.”

“Please. Anything else.”

“No. Why would I? It's descriptive.”

“A little too descriptive, if I’m honest.”

“That sounds like a ‘you’ problem.”

“Well, this is my house. Think of something else.”

Stede rolls his eyes. “Pre-sauce? Tomato betrayal?”

“No and no.”

“Seems a little unfair for you to reject all my suggestions without coming up with any yourself.”

“Okay. Ketchup water.”

“Boring.”

“My house, my ketchup, my rules.”

Stede is about to respond when something soft brushes against his leg, startling him.

“Oh, hi there.” Stede ducks under the table so see two big, yellow eyes blink back at him. “Come to say good morning?”

With a trilling mrrrrreow, Nova crouches, wriggles a bit, then jumps into Stede’s lap. He hesitates before carefully petting her, and she purrs, making herself comfortable.

“Aww, aren’t you adorable, so soft and pretty. Not so shy today, are you? Letting me—” Stede looks up and is stunned by Ed’s expression. A shocking amount of fondness, shining eyes, doting smile. When Ed realizes he’s looking, he blinks rapidly and inhales deeply.

“Yeah, she—she doesn’t usually—I mean, yeah, looks like she’s warmed up to you.” Ed’s voice is a bit shaky, and Stede gives him a soft smile before returning his attention to Nova. He tries scratching her jaw, which she seems to enjoy, closing her eyes and pushing into his touch.

“You like that, do you?” Stede chuckles as the cat purrs louder. “And look at your fur, you’ll have to let me in on your care routine, look how shiny! Hope I’m not messing it up.”

Ed watches with amusement and something else, eyes still sort of watery, so Stede continues.

“Very honored that you’ll let me make your acquaintance so quickly, Nova. Perhaps it helps that your daddy lent me his clothes.”

Ed makes a choked sound and quickly stuffs more scrambled eggs into his mouth.

“I dare say they’ll be much prettier with all your fur on them. Seriously, does she always shed this much?” Stede looks at the many hairs already stuck to the fabric of his—no, Ed’s—sweatpants. Ed nods.

“Yup. Easy to brush off leather, though.”

“Perhaps I should try out wearing leather.”

Ed doesn’t answer, seemingly very concentrated on pushing eggs onto his fork. Stede ends up eating one-handed, trying not to drop too many crumbs on Nova, but he can’t bear pushing her down.

 

After breakfast, they still have time to kill before the funeral. Ed puts something on the TV, but they don’t watch any of it, instead cuddling on the couch. Ed kisses him so thoroughly that Stede forgets everything else for a while, feeling like he’s floating. Ed is on top of him, warm and soft in Stede’s arms, his weight grounding. A few strands of Ed’s hair are spilling out of his bun and tickle Stede’s face. He has to remove some of it from his mouth at one point too, to which Ed grins and says “sorry,” but doesn’t let their lips stay unjoined long enough for Stede to say he loves his hair and everything else about him.

After a while, Ed is lying with his head on Stede’s shoulder, and Stede is very tempted to take a nap, feeling the lack of sleep catch up to him. Before he can drift off, Ed speaks.

“What about that red suit?” The question takes a little while to sink into Stede’s dazed mind.

“What about it?”

Ed traces his finger along Stede’s collarbone. “Did someone buy it?”

Stede sighs. He’s had the all-red suit with gold trimmings up for sale since he first started his second-hand luxury designer clothes Insta-shop. He’s bumped it a few times, and it gets loads of likes but no takers. “No, not yet. Every potential buyer keeps ghosting. Jim thinks it’s cursed. Lucius just thinks I’m asking for too much for it. But lowering the price further would be an insult to that suit, Ed. It’s one of a kind, simply gorgeous.”

Ed nods slowly. “Couldn’t you keep it?”

Stede wishes he could.

“Afraid not. I need the money. Could buy five new outfits. Or, you know, pay my bills.” Stede brushes a strand of hair away from Ed’s face, tucks it behind his ear. “Besides, it’s a little much. Not many occasions call for a bright red suit.”

Ed chews on his lip, squirming a bit as if he’s deciding on whether to say something or not.

“But—it looks good on you. You wear fine things like that so well. Couldn’t imagine it on anyone else. Don’t need an occasion, you could just… wear it.”

Sounds like he’s still stalling, not getting to the point, and Stede gives up on trying to guess where he’s going.

“Well, wearing it around now would increase the wear and tear, and I do want the full price for it, so…”

“What if—what if I bought it?”

Stede’s eyes widen. “Oh, Ed, you’d look fantastic—”

“No, not for me, I mean—I wouldn’t wear it.” Ed lifts his head, props himself up so he can look at Stede with those big, beautiful eyes. Stede blinks in confusion.

“Then why would you buy it? Bit expensive just for looking at it.”

“I—yeah, I guess I would be looking at it. I’d give it right back to you.”

Stede stares at him in disbelief, his hand stopping where he was rubbing Ed’s back.

“I couldn’t let you do that.” Yet the thought is tempting, getting to keep the suit and still afford buying more clo—erh, pay rent. Then again, it would feel more like Ed just… giving him money. Buying him clothes.

Spoiling him.

Oh God.

Why, why does that make heat simmer at his hips like that?

“Can’t think of a better occasion for a red suit than Christmas.” Ed grins, his pupils dilated, maybe from feeling how Stede is hardening in his sweatpants. “Nor a better time to give a gift. Except maybe your birthday—comes almost right after, doesn’t it?”

Stede knows that Ed knows the answer to that, and to show him, he pulls him into a kiss much fiercer than the last birthday present Ed gave him. Thinks about everything that’s happened since, his life turned upside down in almost every way. Pushes it into the kiss, every apology for fucking up that he can’t quite say out loud, all his gratitude for Ed always giving him another chance to catch the tide.

Fuck, Stede loves him.

They stay there for a while longer, kissing—this is what being a teenager should’ve been like, Stede thinks, almost laughing at the thought, the absurdity of finally getting to make out sloppily with a hot guy and dry hump on a couch thirty years later than he should have. He’s glad that Ed is the hot guy, though.

It feels good, grinding against Ed with the fabric between them adding some nice friction, licking Ed’s soft groans from his lips. No goal, no finish, just the two of them, bodies pressed together, breathing the same air.

 

Stede wakes up from a nap he didn’t know he was taking. For a few seconds, he’s disoriented, heart suddenly pounding—then he remembers where he is, hears Ed shuffle about in the next room, and he relaxes again.

There’s a blanket tucked around him and a cat curled up on his stomach. It hasn’t been that long, only around twenty minutes according to Stede’s watch, but in that time, Ed and Nova have swapped places.

When Stede stirs, Nova gets up and stretches. She kneads her paws on his sternum and purrs. The way she blinks slowly at him is remarkably like the way Ed sometimes does.

“Oh, we’ll be great friends, won’t we?” Stede mumbles to her, reaching up to scratch behind her ear. She leans into the touch, then walks up to rub her cheek against the stubble on his cheek. His chest moves when he chuckles, and she jumps down with an offended little noise.

Stede folds up the blanket and gets up to do a few stretches himself before he seeks out Ed. Following the sound of soft humming and clacking of keys, Stede pushes the door open to a room he hasn’t seen yet. It turns out to be an office with even more heavy books on the walls and stacks of papers on the desk. Ed sits behind it and looks up when Stede enters.

“Sorry, had to check my e-mails. You looked so peaceful, didn’t wanna wake you.”

“It’s alright, Nova kept me company.”

“Oh.” Ed’s eyes widen. “I would’ve liked to have seen that.”

“Maybe next time.”

Ed does a sharp, shaky sort of inhale and quickly looks back at his screen.

“I’ll finish this up, then we’ll leave?”

Stede looks at his watch again. It’s early enough that they have time to walk there.

“Right, I’ll get changed.”

 

It’s a chilly day, winter decidedly reminding them of its imminent arrival. Their breaths come out as white clouds, and Stede has a little fun with trying to blow rings, which he can’t, but it makes Ed laugh. Ed has wrapped Stede up in one of his big scarves and made him wear an extra layer in the shape of a chunky knit black turtleneck, muttering about Stede’s outfit from the day before being too cold for an afternoon on a boat.

They decide to stop by a café on the way to buy hot chocolates for everyone. Ed takes out a flask from inside his jacket—a long, woolen trench-coat that looks gorgeous on him—and adds rum to both Stede’s and his own cup. They drink as they walk. It feels as if they’re the only people in the world.

When they make it to the harbor, they meet Olu, Jim, and Archie on the way to where Buttons’ boat is docked. Archie takes the drinks Stede is carrying before he can protest and hurries ahead to hand them out after giving Jim and Olu theirs.

While sipping their hot chocolate, Jim and Olu side-eye them with a bit too much smugness for Stede’s liking, but he decides to ignore it. He’s too busy practicing his speech in his head anyway. When they board, Fang welcomes them, saying that Buttons is too distraught. Stede can hear him howling from the stern.

Stede starts feeling a bit bad again about leaving the night before, and perhaps Ed can see it on his face.

“Celebrating life, remember?” Ed leans in and whispers, giving his arm a quick, gloved squeeze. It warms him much more effectively than the hot chocolate.

It is hushed on the boat, even as more people arrive, a solemn mood hanging over them all. Stede decides to be brave and takes Ed’s hand. Keeps it a bit discreet so as to not draw attention, since this afternoon is about Karl, but Lucius immediately clocks it and sends him a barely concealed smile.

When everyone has arrived, Buttons finally comes to join them, still hiccupping with sobs. He hands a sealed cardboard box to Fang—the packaging of Karl’s favorite fries, apparently to be his casket—then steps back, sniffling.

Stede gives Ed’s hand a squeeze before he lets go of it and steps forward, clearing his throat.

“Dear friends. We are gathered today to honor and celebrate the life of our beloved Karl, taken from us in such a cruel and untimely manner.” Stede pauses to allow Buttons to make a sound like a dying whale, taking a deep breath before continuing.

“Karl, you deeply touched the hearts of everyone here…” Stede looks around at his friends, then salutes the row of seagulls perched on the railing, “…and left your mark on our souls. May your spirit forever guide us as we now commit your earthly body to your love, the sea. Rest in peace.”

The last three words are repeated at a mumble from the gathering, and a few sad squawks are heard. Fang carries Karl’s body to the starboard side, away from the docks, and after receiving a nod from Buttons, he throws it far out into the ocean.

Buttons wails again, and Stede is the first to hug him this time, soon joined by the others, including the birds, one of which decides to sit on his head. He extricates himself and politely nudges at the bird to get off (it jumps to sit on Wee John’s shoulder instead) just as Roach takes the word.

“There will now be refreshments—” Roach gestures at a small table piled with an assortment of fries and other foods Karl liked to steal from unsuspecting pedestrians— “and later, we will have a display of fireworks in Karl’s honor.”

Stede isn’t particularly hungry, but grabs a handful of fries before finding Ed again. He looks thoughtful, which Stede would attest to the general mood on the boat if not for the nervous edge to it. He looks up when Stede comes over, seemingly steeling himself.

“Can we talk?”

Now the nervousness creeps up on Stede as well, but he nods and follows Ed off the boat. They walk in silence until Ed seems satisfied that they’re far enough away. At the very end of the docks, he sits down cross-legged and gestures for Stede to do the same. Still, it takes a while before Ed speaks, Stede’s guts tying themselves into knots in the meantime.

“That was a nice speech,” Ed says, but Stede knows it’s not what Ed dragged him all the way here to tell him, so he waits. Ed looks out over the water, takes a deep breath. Almost subconsciously, Stede copies him, filling his lungs with cool, salty air.

“I know you’ve said no before, but I thought I’d ask—please don’t—I don’t want to be led on, if you’re not—hm. Everything today—last night—well. Do you think—”

Stede interrupts him with a kiss. A soft yet decisive thing, drawing a small sound from the back of Ed’s throat. It feels important, to kiss Ed right then and there.

It also buys him time. Because he knows what Ed is asking.

And the thing is this. He wants more than anything to say ‘yes’ to that question but is unsure he can live up to it. Most of the time, he barely feels like half a person—not who he was always supposed to be, not who he wants to be or thinks he could be, given a little more time. An unfinished construction project on hiatus for years, until most of it was knocked down by the first touch of Ed’s lips to his, forcing him to start over. And the divorce didn’t magically hand him new blueprints. Nor did being with Ed—intimately and otherwise—suddenly build the walls for him. At most, it left a giant pile of bricks that he is still trying to sort through.

So, what he might need is a second divorce. Divorce from the malicious, self-loathing voice in his head, the one that sounds unmistakably like his father, the one that has run the show for far too long. He knows he has a good voice in there, too—he hears it more and more, allows it to speak instead of pushing it away the second it tentatively lifts its soft vocal. And he actually tries, tries to fend off the bad voice when it threatens to drown the good one out.

What he’s wondering is if Ed will stay around for all that. And if he does, whether it’s fair to him.

And if he doesn’t, whether Stede can survive it.

In the end, there’s no other way out than through. He knows one thing for certain, the thing that stared back at him from that ketchup bottle, but which had been there all along.

“Ed,” Stede begins, barely pulling away from the kiss before saying it. Ed’s eyes are big and full of worry again, and his voice is small when he says, “Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Ed beams, worry evaporating from his features. “Really?”

“Yeah. But—”

“No, no buts. No use for those, let’s just—”

But—I have a lot of work to do. I’ve—I am doing it, or trying to, but it’ll take time, and I don’t know if I can be what you need me to be until then.”

To Stede’s surprise, Ed’s smile doesn’t falter. It softens, radiates fondness. “I love you, too.”

“Did you hear what I—”

“Yeah, I did. Stede, I just need you to be you, because you’re the one I love.”

Stede stays silent. Ed brings his hands up to cradle Stede’s face. “And I’m, you know, working on myself too. We all are, all the time. Doesn’t mean we can’t love each other in the meantime.”

Stede lets go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“I have a hard time with this whole ‘loving yourself’ thing, though. I don’t think I’ve ever done that, and before I do, I’m—well, I guess I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

Stede mulls it over. “How can someone else love me if I can’t even do it myself?”

Ed’s answer is immediate. “Easy. I love you as easily as breathing. It's not that other people can’t love you—it’s that you may have a hard time feeling it as long as you don’t think you deserve it. Just means I need to tell you more often, don’t you think?”

“You haven’t told me before today.”

“Maybe I was scared, too.”

“Of what?”

Ed lets out a short laugh, airy and incredulous, like a bit of long-contained tension bubbling over and out.

“Well, mate, you’ve been a bit hard to figure out. Was wondering if I was just a whim to you, a plaything while you figured yourself out.”

Stede is horrified, but when he thinks back, it’s not entirely surprising. He has to rectify it immediately, though.

“You could never be a whim to me. I mean—I am figuring myself out, but I’m certain about you. I’ve never felt this way before, but I know it’s the real thing.”

Ed’s smile brightens impossibly further, and he leans in to kiss Stede again. Stede meets him halfway, and it feels like nothing short of a miracle, the way they fit together.

Ed slides his fingers gently into Stede’s hair, and when he pulls away, Stede couldn’t stop smiling if he tried.

“We’ll figure it out together, then. And if you’ll let me, I’ll love you enough for both of us.”

Stede has to kiss him again, has to, until they both have to come up for air. Their laughter is visible, mingling clouds of freezing droplets in the small space between them. When it stills, and before Ed can kiss him again, Stede says, “Thank you for waiting for me.”

Ed smiles into the next kiss. When he pulls away, the first blast of Roach’s fireworks paints the sky in purple and gold. The sun has already started its journey towards the horizon.

“You’re freezing,” Ed says, and does that slow blink thing again.

“No I’m not,” Stede says, but the tremble in his voice doesn’t make it sound very convincing.

“Yeah, your nose is cold. Mine too.” As if to demonstrate, Ed nuzzles their noses together. Stede can’t deny that he’s right. His limbs are stiff from sitting on the cold dock, too.

“Do you wanna—go on a real date, or something?” Stede asks once they’re both on their feet, this time taking Ed’s hand without hesitation.

“I’d love to. Although—what d’you say to ordering sushi and eating in?”

“With Nova?”

Ed nods.

“There’s nothing I’d love more. Except maybe you.”

They make the rounds, saying goodbye before leaving, and Stede thanks Buttons for letting him have the honor of giving the eulogy. Buttons is only slightly less upset than earlier, but thanks him right back, solemnly saying it was only right, since he defended Karl to the end. Stede thinks it’s perhaps a dramatic way of describing how he told Jack to fuck off, but he’ll take it. After all, he would defend his new family to the very end.

He becomes even more sure of it when he looks around at them all before leaving with Ed, hand in hand. They’re all worth all of it. For the first time in years, he is no longer waiting to drown.

 

Notes:

thank you so so much for reading and sticking with this until the end (of their new beginning) 💗

I was so nervous to post this fic and it's been such a joy. I've put a lot of myself into this, so reading your comments about how it resonated with you has been so incredibly validating and meaningful and I can't thank you enough 💗

if you wanna read something soft where Ed takes care of depressed Stede, I have this short one-shot called First Snow ❄️
if you want more slow burn pining while fucking but in canon era, there's Something timeless going on, where Ed and Stede meet as young men and become friends with benefits.
and if you like the idea of friends with benefits to lovers ( more pining while fucking) but with less plot and more porn, I am going back to posting Circus Nights, my ongoing wip based on kinktober prompts with stunning art pieces by Ash 🤸
(I write stuff other than pining while fucking too I promise!! in fact all kinds of different stuff, so check it if you want something completely different after this too ✌️)

Notes:

I love and adore all of you for reading and especially for giving comments and kudos 💗 rolling around in them all day long, it means the world!!

you can find me as bizarrelittlemew on tumblr and @bizarrelilmew on twitter/X 🤸

and here's a tumblr post for this fic if you wanna give it a reblob 💗

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