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"I swear to God, just shut up !"
Theo slammed his hand on the table, looking at all of his roommates (and the ones who didn't live here) with so much anger in his eyes he looked like someone completely different.
Everybody in the room stopped in their tracks, the only sound heard now being the TV show that served more as a background noise than anything.
"Hyung," Jongseob was the first one that dared to open his mouth, "no offense, but hum, you're in the living room. If you need quiet, why don't you go to your bedroom ?"
Theo saw red. Seriously. He felt like going crazy.
"Because I'm trying to work on this fucking paper, Jongseob. And there is your bed where my desk should be." The oldest of them all explained, anger laced into each and every word. "I was calmly trying to work but then you came back after doing who knows what, being the noisiest you've ever been, and everyone joined you, and I can't fucking hear my thoughts anymore !"
"Well, it's not like you don't have time to work on that another day. You should relax a little bit." Jongseob shrugged.
The audacity this child had. Theo had to refrain himself from throwing a punch in his direction, clutching his hand so hard he could feel his fingernails into his palm.
"That's so easy of you to just say that." Theo chuckled, throwing his head backward. Then, he suddenly stopped, looking at his little brother directly in the eyes. "I never have time to work on my things because I always need to take care of yours . I'm working on getting you into a new school, arranging things so you can see your mom and your sister, taking care of all the chores you never remember to do, cleaning the mess you make in my bedroom. But the moment I try to take care of my education, the thing I completely put aside for you , I'm the big bad wolf because I ask for some quietness ? I need to relax ?"
"Guys, let's calm down a little bit—" Keeho tried, already knowing where the situation was going.
"You say that like I have it all so easy." Jongseob sounded completely dumbfounded, looking at his brother with his eyebrows furrowed.
"Maybe because you do. Look around you, Jongseob. You're fucking safe, here. I'm doing anything for you and how do you repay me ? By putting your damn shoes on my couch ? By having all this fucking apartment's mugs under your bed ? Or maybe you repay me by working hard to get a good job ? Oh, right, you don't even look at your notebooks even when I ask you to."
"If I'm such a bother, why didn't you let me with dad to live your perfect little life away from me ?"
"I sure should have, it would have been better for everyone."
Theo regretted the words even before he voiced them. But he was driven by anger and frustration.
Trying his best not to look into his brother's broken eyes, he stood up and got to their little entrance, completely ignoring the other boys in the room. He put on his shoes and got out of the apartment without taking his phone or even a coat, just his wallet into his jean's pocket.
He walked without any destination in mind. He just wanted to be somewhere else, where all his demons couldn't catch him.
.
Theo didn't know how he got here.
He was in a little park, lost in the middle of the city, where there was nothing more than a slide and some swings with a few benches around. At this hour, it was completely deserted, kids already eating dinner in their loving little homes.
He sat on a bench and screamed. Voice muffled as he hid his face in his hands, he screamed away all of his frustration. He was tired, cold and so, so angry.
All he wanted today was some quiet. He didn't mean to be this shitty to his brother, but it just happened .
His anger had spiked like it always did, making him say things he didn't mean, making him act like a complete asshole.
After a while, Theo finally straightened his back. Using his sleeve to pat his eyes dry of the few tears that were threatening to fall, he looked at the little playground.
It reminded him of when Jongseob was still a little kid. He'd come up in their shared bedroom and force Taeyang to get him to their neighborhood playground, because he didn't know how to balance himself on the swing yet.
Sometimes, when things got really bad at night, Theo himself would grab the kid, give him his noise canceling headphones and sprint toward the house's door, praying that their father wouldn't catch them sneaking out. He would always explain to Jongseob that it was just to 'have a brother's fun night!', even when Jongseob got old enough to understand what was really happening.
Even when it was associated with a bad time at home, playing with Jongseob was always fun. A kid had a lot of imagination. Jongseob always had an idea, a remark, a joke. Even at two in the morning, woken up too quickly and pajama pants tucked into his Cars shoes (the one that light up when you step, Theo had broken his piggy bank to offer him these shoes for his birthday), he was hyper and ready to spend hours explaining the whole plot of his latest cartoon while always asking for to be swoon higher and higher.
Fuck.
"Fuck !"
Theo really was the worst older brother ever. He didn't regret taking Jongseob out of this hell of a house.
The day of the great escape™, Theo was only eighteen. Jongseob's dad just told him to pack his bag and to "get lost", because he finished high school and was supposedly an adult. As he was throwing his few clothes and important things into a bag, Theo saw his little brother on his bed. He just celebrated his twelfth birthday, didn't really know how to live by himself and still couldn't read the difficult words (Jongseob should really see someone about these reading problems). Theo couldn't leave him there, all alone. So he packed a second bag, with Jongseob's things. His clothes, his school things. Theo even put away some of his things to take more of Jongseob's.
He never once regretted taking Jongseob with him, or leaving the house by the window (even if he completely fucked up his ankle when he helped Jongseob get out).
Sure, he didn't expect to one day become his legal guardian. Honestly, he thought he'd leave Jongseob at his sister's house and that he was going to be estranged. Because, well, they didn't share blood or anything. Theo had just been a guy that made sure the kid wouldn't be hit or starved to death by his father. (Or left in his bed with a 41° C fever that could've killed him if 16 year old Theo didn't steal the car to go to the hospital). He did leave him with his sister— after he lived with them for a bit.
Saying goodbye had been hard, but Theo needed to start his own life. He really thought that it was the last time he'd see Jongseob. Except that it wasn't— they talked on the phone, because Jongseob always told him he was his brother, even if they didn't share blood. And a year ago, Noona lost someone and needed Theo to look after Jongseob for a bit while she got her life back together. A few weeks turned into more, and somehow Theo was now his legal guardian. He was the one that made sure Jongseob ate and showered, that he was still happy and could see his mom every other week, like it should've been since he was a baby.
It was a lot of work, for Theo. He had to give up university like he did before, now studying from home except for a few times a month. He sold his desk to buy a bed for Jongseob, turned into a maid and a chef at the same time so no one could say he was neglecting the kid, became a secretary to arrange meetings between families… But he didn't regret it. He never did, not even once. Even if he had way more gray hair than anybody at his age and often felt like he should give up, he never
regretted taking the kid's hand that night.
But he just looked into Jongseob's eyes and told him he did. Theo just implied to a kid that had been treated like a burden his whole existence that he would like life more without him.
He sighed, burying his face in his hands, and screamed. Again. What was he supposed to do now ?
"Thank god you're here !" His boyfriend's voice made Theo look up, surprised to see Keeho here. The Canadian had a coat under his arm and looked disheveled.
"Keeho ?"
"No, the pope." He deadpanned, but sat on the bench with Theo, putting the coat on his shoulders. "You can't go outside without a coat in this weather, Taeyangie, you're going to get sick."
"I couldn't think straight, a coat wasn't on the top of my priority list."
"You never think straight dude, you're dating a guy."
It was a dumb joke, but it made Theo chuckle, pressure finally going down. "Thanks, Kee. I'm sorry for shouting earlier."
"It's alright. But you definitely owe an apology to the little guy, though. You were kind of an asshole."
"I didn't mean any of the things I said, you know ? I was just angry and my brain to mouth filter stopped working." Theo said, putting his head on his boyfriend's shoulder.
"I know, Yangie. But you need to tell that to Jongseob, not me. I don't care when you shout at me because I know why you do it, but I don't think you've ever explained how you deal with your anger to him ."
"Yeah, you're right… Do you think he hates me, now ?"
"I think he's just hating himself right now. Let's go back, okay ? I really don't want you to get sick."
.
When they got back to the apartment, Theo was a man on a mission. He was decided to explain everything to his little brother, apologize— except that Jongseob locked himself in Jiung's room.
"He's sleeping in my bed tonight, he's upset and doesn't want to see you." Jiung explained from where he was, sipping tea on the couch. "I'm sleeping here. Shota and Intak are already in bed, there's school tomorrow. We ate take out, I think there's still some leftovers in the fridge."
"I didn't notice I was outside for so long…" Taeyang spoke under his breath, a bit confused.
"You were, and finding you was a nightmare , please don't disappear without your phone ever again." Keeho complained. "Go take a hot shower or something, you were freezing when I found you. I can't take my day off tomorrow, even if you're sick, I have a meeting."
"I won't be sick, Kee."
"You better not. Here, let's eat and go to sleep, you'll apologize tomorrow alright ?"
Even if he didn't feel like eating, Theo nodded. He was kind of out of it during the rest of the evening, letting Keeho take the reins. Even in his boyfriend's arms, his night hadn't been great, full of remorses and memories of a life he would like to forget.
.
When Theo woke up the next day, he sighed. Keeho was right, he fell sick, because being outside for a few hours wearing only a hoodie hadn't been his greatest idea. But he wasn't going to let a fever stop him from his day's to do list, no.
First, he changed clothes to feel less like a trash bag and more like an actual human. Second, he took a pill for his fever. Third, he made himself a coffee with way too many espresso shots. And finally, he made pancakes for breakfast.
There wasn't anyone home except him and Jongseob right now, and Theo felt like his brother deserved a good breakfast as an apology.
Once the pancakes were finished, he put everything in the microwave hoping to keep it warm enough until Jongseob woke up.
Waiting for his brother to wake up, Taeyang put a dumb show on the TV and watched it from the couch with a blanket on his lap. His fever made him sleepy, and without even noticing it, he fell asleep not even ten minutes later.
.
When he woke up, he felt like he was in another dimension. His head was hurting, he was dehydrated, and his fever had gone up. It took a while (and three glasses of water) for him to think right again, holding himself on the back of a chair to stay upright. Urgh, fevers were the worst thing ever .
Theo looked up at the time on the microwave, and noticed he slept a bit more than three hours. When he checked inside the microwave, he saw that a few pancakes were missing, making him smile. Jongseob was up, and it was definitely time to apologize.
“Jongseob ?” He asked, hoping to be loud enough for his brother to hear. No answer. “Seobie ? Can you come here, please ?” He tried again. No answer.
Sighing, he walked to Jiung's bedroom door, using the wall to support his body. “Jongseobie, you up ?” As no one replied, Theo opened it. Jongseob wasn't inside, but the bed had been done. Huh, weird.
So, Theo tried at his own bedroom door. “Jongseob ? Can we talk ?” Once again, silence. And Jongseob wasn't inside.
But his bed had been made— Taeyang didn't do it, never did. Jongseob either, by the way. But both beds were perfect. And there weren't any mugs or plates under Jongseob's, weird.
“Jongseob, are you in the bathroom ?” Still no answer.
Theo was seriously starting to panic.
He looked everywhere in the apartment, which wasn't that big to begin with, but all he noticed was the strange clean state of it and the lack of Jongseob . At this point, Theo was driven only by adrenaline, because his whole body was on fire.
He took out his phone, typed on Google the first things he could think of.
missing teenager
teenager cleaned everything and i can't find him anymore
how do i know if my teenager ran away ?
Fuck. Theo had to look around, see if Jongseob's things were still in their place. They weren't.
His phone, phone charger, backpack and a few clothes weren't here anymore. Neither were his favorite pair of shoes nor coat.
Fuck. Did Taeyang really manage to make his brother run away like that ?
He called Keeho right away. Surely, his boyfriend would know what to do, right ?
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
“Answer. Please Keeho, I need you to answer.”
Beep.
“Hello, this is Yoon Keeho’s phone. I can't reply now but leave a message and I'll call back asap !”
“Keeho, please, call me back, I can't find Jongseob. Fuck, I don't know what to do, please call me please please please.”
Theo felt like crying. He was confused because of the panic and the fever, and the world didn't feel real anymore.
He had to find his brother.
He slipped on a pair of shoes, took a coat (it was definitely Intak's, by the way) and ran outside. The sky was gray and ugly, and it smelled like rain. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, I have to find him before it starts raining.
“Jongseob !” He screamed, hoping his brother wouldn't be too far. “Jongseob, please, come home !”
While he walked around the street, running high on adrenaline, he tried to call Jongseob at least a hundred times. But every time, he was directly directed to the answering machine, Jongseob’s voice telling him he’ll call back once he was free.
Theo didn't know for how long he was outside now, but a few raindrops had already started to fall. His head was hurting like never, but he couldn't stop now. Jongseob, where are you ?
His phone vibrated, and Theo answered without looking at who was calling.
“Hi Taey—”
“Jongseob, is that you ?” He asked, full of hope.
“Nope, it’s Jiung. Just came home with Intak, where the fuck are you ? You didn't put a note or anything.”
Theo felt like crying. His little brother, who’s sixteenth birthday was not even in a week, was missing. He’ll have to call the police and his social worker, and once they’d find him — if they’d find him — he was going to be sent somewhere else because Theo was a bad brother that couldn't take care of a child properly.
“Taeyang ? You there ? What’s happening ?” Ah, yes. He was still on the phone with Jiung .
“Jongseob ran away. He took his important things, cleaned the whole apartment and fucking disappeared and I didn't hear anything because I was half dead on the couch.”
A silence.
“Oh, fuck.” Yeah, Jiung, same. “Well, I suppose you’re looking for him. I, huh, ran away too when I was a teenager. Did you look in places he knows ? Like a pizzeria, convenience store… maybe check if he’s with your sister or something. I’ll put my shoes back on and go look too.”
“I— I haven't called Noona yet. I’ll do that. Fuck. Take an umbrella, it’s starting to rain.”
Jiung hummed. “Okay. I’ll look around in my car, Intak will stay home in case he comes back. I’ll text Soul not to come today. Don’t panic, it’ll make everything worse. If we don't find him by night, call the police, alright ?”
“It’s too late to tell me not to panic, but thanks. Call me if you find him.”
Taeyang hung up on the phone, calling Noona right away.
“Taeyang-ah, what's up ?” She answered.
“Is Jongseob with you ?” He asked, still walking around, hoping to find his brother amongst the crowd of people on the street.
“No ? Is he supposed to be here today ?”
Taeyang actually sobbed. “He— He’s not. Missing since morning. I said shitty things to him yesterday and I wanted to apologize today but he— I think he ran away and it’s raining outside and I can't find him.”
“Shi— okay. I can be in your city in like, thirsty minutes by car, do you want me to come ?”
“Please, stay at home. He may be on the way there or something. I’ll continue looking for him.”
“Did you call the police yet ?”
“I’m scared they’ll take him away from me, Noona. I’ll do it if I don't find him by night, I promise.”
“Yeah, fair. They’ll tell you to wait anyway, if you’re sure he ran away. Call me if anything changes, yeah ?”
“Will do. Thanks, Noona.”
Back to square one. The rain was starting to be heavy by now, Taeyang felt weak and was drenched . At this point, he’d already done half the city by foot, but no chance. Jongseob disappeared. And it was his fault.
“Jongseob, please, come home.” he was praying under his breath, phone kept in his hand in hope of Intak calling him.
.
The first street lamp lit up, and it only meant that in a few minutes, it would be night and Taeyang was going to have to call the police and explain how he was the worst brother ever and lost the kid he was supposed to care for.
Taeyang was drenched. His hair was glued on his face because of the never stopping rain. He was cold but so hot because his fever never came down. And he maybe was crying too, but his tears were hidden by the rain.
“Jongseob, please.”
Keeho still hasn't called back, Jiung only let him know where he’d looked and no news from Intak. Nothing from Noona either.
“Jongseob, I'm sorry. Please call back or come back home, I need to say sorry to your face. Jongseob, please be okay and not in a ditch somewhere.”
He prayed to whoever could be listening. Taeyang just wanted to say sorry and hold his brat of a younger brother in his arms.
A bus drove beside him, drenching him even more with dirty street water.
“Jongseob please be oka— Jongseob ?” A few feets away, right at the bus stop (where the bus from right before just stopped), was a figure that looked a lot like Jongseob. Theo squinted his eyes, trying to see better through the rain.
The figure stood up.
White shoes that were more brown than white, colorful shoelaces, run down backpack, coat with a paint stain from when he didn't notice the ‘fresh paint’ note in the stair case—
“Jongseob !”
Jongseob was here. Jongseob was going to jump in that bus.
Theo wasn't going to let it happen.
With the energy he didn't know he still had, he ran to the bus stop and held onto his brother's backpack just as he was stepping on the bus’ stairs.
“Sorry sir, this one isn't going anywhere.” Taeyang almost screamed at the driver, pulling at Jongseob enough to get him off the bus.
Jongseob was too stunned to make a move, moving kinda like a puppet. Together, with Taeyang's hand still holding his brother's backpack like his life depended on it, they watched the bus drive off.
Jongseob wasn't in it. Jongseob was right here , by his side.
Theo collapsed. Or, almost. Jongseob got him right before he could fall.
“Hyung ! Huh, let’s get you on that bench okay ?”
With his brother’s help, Taeyang managed to get seated on the bus’ stop bench, kinda protected from the rain.
“What— what are you doing here ?” Jongseob asked after a bit, voice drowned by the ambiant noise.
“Looking for you to take you home, dummy. Been looking for you for hours, actually.”
“I thought you didn't want me in your home.” Jongseob replied dryly, looking everywhere but at his brother.
He wasn't in a better state than Theo— just as drenched, with his hair messily put away from his eyes, making him look silly.
“I didn't mean it, Jongseob.” Even if there was a roof over his head, Theo would claim it was rain wetting his cheeks. “I did the right thing by getting you out of that fucking house. I did the right thing by letting you in my new home and selling that desk to buy you a bed. You’re my brother and even if sometimes I want to smack you in the head, I'm so happy to know you feel safe in your home.” His voice cracked— it was because of his cold. Theo wasn't crying. (He was. But now wasn't the time to seem weak.)
“Then why did you scream that I was a bother, Hyung ? Why did you tell me you regretted taking me with you ?”
It made Theo remember that his brother was just a little boy. He wasn't sixteen yet, was still in his first year of high school, had troubles reading long books. Jongseob was way too young for the mess that had been his life.
“I was— I was angry, Jongseob. Sometimes I get angry even when I don't want to, and my blood boils and I say things that I don't mean— I never meant it. Never. Please, believe me when I say that I'm so happy that you're my brother. Please.”
“Do you— Do you really mean it ? Am I really not the biggest mistake you made ?” Suddenly Jongseob looked six years old again. So small on Theo’s bed, little hands covering his ears when his father yelled at Taeyang's mother loud enough to make the walls tremble. He looked nine years old with a 41° C fever, so still in the back seat of the car Theo stole he actually feared the kid died. He looked twelve years old, escaping by a window hoping for a new life. He looked fourteen and a half years old, entering the little apartment Taeyang called home for the first time, big eyes looking around the mess that he’ll call home too.
“You’re like, the opposite of a mistake, Seobie. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like one. That’s a me problem, not a you problem. I promise.”
Jongseob almost jumped in his arms, and Taeyang hugged him like there was no tomorrow. He was getting big and tall, but he was still his little brother. Small in energy and a goofball that could sing the entire discography of My Chemical Romance and B.A.P.
A honk noise made Theo look up from their position. A car was right in front of them, and as the window rolled down, he recognised Jiung.
“Hop in, you two !” He spoke loud enough to be heard above the pitter patter of the rain. “You're going to die from pneumonia, dumbasses.”
Taeyang gave him the middle finger, but did fumble into the car. Now that the adrenaline really came down, he felt like passing out and being in a coma for at least ten years. Jongseob did the same, not really in a better shape. Uh, what a dumb duo.
“Dumb and dumber, I swear.” Jiung swore under his breath as he started the car, and Taeyang couldn't really argue. “Do we need to stop by the hospital ?”
“I don't think so. We’ll see fever levels at home.” Theo replied, stripping from his drenched coat. “Jongseobie, go straight to the shower once we’re at home, okay ?”
“You’re literally looking like you're going to die if you don't put on something dry in the next second, hyung.”
“I don't care, you shower first. I’m already sick, we can hope you won't be too.”
“It literally doesn't make sense but I'm too tired to argue.” Theo chuckled lightly at the resignation on his brother's face.
“Nice.” He replied. Then, his phone rang, the special song he put on for Keeho echoing in the silent car. Obviously, he answered right away.
“Oh my god, Taeyangie, I'm so sorry I put my phone on silent for my meeting and then I lost it and I just found it back— did you call the police yet ? I’m driving to your apartment right now but you should call the police if you didn't find him yet, it’s night and—”
“I found him, Kee. We’re driving home, right now.”
The sigh of relief that came from Keeho's side was a big mood . “Thank any god that's listening. I’m at your apartment in like, two minutes, do you need to have towels ready or something ?”
“Yes Kee, you’re the best. We’ll be home in ten. Now, I'm going to hang up because being on the phone while driving is dumb and dangerous, see ya.”
“I put you on speaker, but sure. Love ya, Taeyangie.”
“Love you, Kee.”
Jongseob fake gagged in the background, and if in any other circumstances Theo would've thrown his shoe at his face, tonight it only made him smile.
.
“Hey, hyung.”
Theo's answer was just some kind of monsterish grumble. Since they came home and showered, his fever definitely made itself known, and now he was in bed after taking some meds with an ice pack on his forehead, trying to cool himself down. Jongseob apparently didn't have any symptoms (yet), only a slight fever too.
“Can I sleep with you tonight ? I don't feel like being alone right now.” Jongseob asked, voice small.
“You're going to be sick, and your bed is like, four feet away.” Theo answered, but still rolled a bit to the side and opened his little comforter cocoon for his brother to slip in.
“Our beds were only six feet apart in my dad's house but you still made me sleep with you when it got bad.” Jongseob made himself comfortable in the space made for him.
“I did. These six feets were six feet too much for me to protect you from the world.”
A silence passed, only disturbed by shaky breaths.
“When you came to live at my dad’s house, you didn't have any issues with your anger.” The younger boy started, almost shyly. “Did it just… appear with time ? Or was it because of something else ? I don't remember you being this angry all the time, even when you had to help me read my homeworks.”
“Oh, that. Well, I'd say it’s a bit of both. Your dad was always angry for some reasons, and I had to survive, because my mom never cared about how he treated me. Or even her. Your dad was really an asshole.” Theo slightly chuckled, body too weak to laugh for real.
“He was.” Jongseob agreed.
“But I think it officially started to become a problem the day I had to drive you to the hospital. Everything officially started when I drove you to that hospital, if we think about it.”
“I don't remember anything from that week that I was sick, you know ? You never explained what happened. All I know is that I was sick enough to almost die on you.”
“You were a bit too young for me to explain to you what happened. But I guess it’s time now ?” Theo sighed. Remembering that period was painful. “We weren't that close yet, before that. Because you were not even ten yet, I just turned sixteen, and I was in the middle of my teenage angst in addition to being neglected at home like you. But, like, when I came home from school and hanging out with Keeho one day, you were in your bed and burning up . So I told my mom about it because you were supposed to be her kind of son or something, and she told your dad. Your dad gave you some Advil or Tylenol and said you were going to be fine, and told me not to baby you or anything, you know the drill.”
Jongseob made a face. Yeah, he knew the drill . His dad and how he took the ‘no babying’ rule to neglect and straight up abuse.
“So I did, because he gave you medicine and he was your dad and made the rules if I didn't want to be hit or starved ya know ? But when I got home the next day, you were like, even hotter. And couldn't breathe properly. I told it to your dad directly because you really needed to see a doctor or something. Seriously, you were really small for a kid almost ten and being this hot couldn't be safe. When he told me you were faking and to let you struggle on your own, I kinda lost it. Stole his car keys and sneaked you out of the house. Note that I never drove anything other than a GTA V car on Keeho's Playstation. Almost crashed us into so many cars I'm surprised the police didn't stop me.”
“You're absolutely crazy, dude.”
“Yeah, I know.” Theo chuckled again, coughing a second later. “Anyway, I stopped in the ambulance road or something and got you out of the car, and by this point I thought you died. A nurse had to drive the car to the parking lot because I refused to let go of your little body. Before they could give you anything, they had to call your dad because I wasn't your legal guardian and just a kid that broke many, many laws in like half an hour. When you were treated and we were waiting for your dad to show up, I tried to talk about the neglect and abuse at home with a nurse. And since you were almost dying because nobody took you to the hospital sooner, we had a pretty solid proof ya know ?”
Taeyang still remembered the two CPS workers that asked him questions and took some pictures of the few bruises he had on his arms. He had tried his best to be clear, to explain how it was mostly neglect and that wasn't just because he was only a step son. But Jongseob didn't have bruises and his malnourishment wasn't obvious enough— their parents got away with only a warning, even if Jongseob almost died.
“When the two CPS workers left and it was only me and our parents that had to come by the bus, your dad took me by the arm and pulled me in a deserted corridor. He screamed at me so hard— some things like ‘i know how to take care of my kid, you son of a bitch’ and that type of things. That was the first time I dared to look at him in the eyes when I replied.”
“From what I'm seeing, you fucking don't. And you married that bitch, by the way.” Teen Taeyang had replied. The sharp pain of a slap on his cheek didn't even make him flinch. It was the first time Taeyang ever felt so much anger, burning from inside his chest to the tip of his fingers.
“If you’re so sure of yourself then you take care of this disappointment then. You’re a disappointment yourself, it shouldn't be too difficult. Errors gotta stick together or something ?”
“I'm gonna raise him better than you could ever have, you absolute asshole. When he’ll think of you in the future, all he’s going to think about is how you failed him as a father and be happy that you’re not in his life anymore.”
“When we got home a few hours later, without you , because you were hospitalized, he beat the shit out of me.” Taeyang explained. “First and last time he did it so hard, I couldn't move correctly for weeks.”
“I.. I don't remember seeing you in pain when I came back ?” Jongseob looked horrified.
“I hid it from you. The psychological bruises were more painful anyways, I assure you that no wounds were as painful as seeing my mom drink her tea like nothing was happening while her husband was hurting me .”
“I’m sorry, hyung.”
“You don't have to be. You weren't the one with the belt. Anyway, after that week, I was so angry at everything and everyone for absolutely no reason. Even at Keeho, and we were best friends at this time. I got into so many fights, because I just wanted someone to hurt as much as I did. But at home I just tried to let you have a good time. And every confrontation with your dad left me even more angry , it was a never ending cycle. But at some point I just couldn't fight anymore because I was physically exhausted, so I started to be mean with my words. Like, this kid I knew just lost his mother, I called him ‘motherless’. Or this girl I knew had body issues, I'd call her ‘fat’. And I never thought any of what I was saying, you know ? But I was hurting so much inside, I wanted other people to notice it. I’m so lucky Keeho never turned his back on me.”
“I definitely never knew that, you were always so cool at home… like, these Cars shoes you bought me. Or when you took me to the park. Or when you helped with my homeworks because words with more than six letters should be illegal.”
“I wanted to prove to your dad I was better than him.”
“You were. I never loved this guy as much as you. The only thing he did right was adopting my dog. But he also gave her away, so that doesn't count.”
It made Theo smile. “Thanks, Seobie.”
“When did it get better, your anger ?”
“The two years when you lived at Noona’s. I was alone and your dad wasn't here anymore. Keeho was in Canada for half of it and I was by myself for a while before I saw that Intak’s parents were looking for someone to live with their son in exchange of some money. I took time to reflect on myself and I saw on social medias that that girl I called fat had to go to the hospital because of eating disorders. And all I could think of is that I was no better than your dad. Being angry and sad wasn't an excuse to put a girl in the hospital. I messaged her, explained what was happening, and she told me she forgave me. I never forgave myself, but she did. Anyway, you're not here to hear about my shitty mental health. So yeah, since I wasn't with your dad everyday and actually got my shits together, this unreasonable anger tamed down. But sometimes I just can't calm down and my blood boils and I go back to saying things I don't always mean or doing stupid things. Like getting you out of school on a whim.”
“Fighting a raccoon, too. And pouring a glass of water on the homophobic neighbors. And almost cursing at Intak's parents.” Jongseob listed.
“Hey, those are reasonable angers !”
“A raccoon, hyung.”
“It stole my pizza. We’re not in teenage mutant ninja turtles, it was mine , period.”
Jongseob laughed, and Taeyang did the same. It ended when both of them almost died in a coughing fit.
“Thanks for explaining it to me, hyung. You know you can like, talk to me about important things right ? I’m not a baby anymore, my birthday is in a week.”
“I’ll try, Seobie. But in my head you'll always be a baby. Now, I really need to sleep, but promise me you won't be gone again when I wake up ? I really don't feel like running in the streets ever again.”
“Yes, I promise. But you also ran away yesterday and made Keeho look after you, so I'd say we’re even on this point.”
“Jongseob, it doesn't even make sense.”
“It does.”
It really didn't, but Theo had a high fever and didn't feel like arguing.
“You need to promise me something else, Seobie.” Theo spoke after a moment.
“Not utter a word about that to my social worker ?”
“Not utter a word about that to your social worker.” He confirmed with a giggle.
.
Once again, Keeho had to sleep on the couch without a pillow and only with a thin blanket because his side of the bed was occupied by a teenager wearing someone else's shirt as pajamas.
He didn't complain though, only made sure both his boys were comfy and breathing.