Work Text:
peter had never realized how much his reflection didn’t feel right.
sure, he’d always hated the scars across his arms and back from exandroth, and he wasn’t the most attractive person in the world, but looking now, something felt....off. different.
and he didn’t have the words for it.
there’d been something bubbling in his stomach for some time now, as his face grows sharper and his body grows more toned. it doesn’t feel right. he should be proud of the fact he’s getting healthier, looking nicer, but he’s not a fan of how.... sharp everything is. he liked having those softer curves, that fuzzier outline. and the more he looks, the more he realizes what the problem is.
he doesn’t like the masculinity of it all.
he likes how his hair is longer, more feminine now. he liked his soft edges. he liked the times elena let him borrow their clothes, wearing those flowing skirts and loose blouses.
that felt right.
but peter can’t be anything other than what he is, though. sure, elena is more neutral in this sort of thing, but peter is, well....peter. he can’t be anything other than what he is.
“love?” elena’s soft voice called from the other side of the bathroom door, “is everything alright? you’ve been in there an awful long time....”
“‘m okay, lena, just....” peter swallows, turning away from the mirror with a soft sigh he hopes his spouse can’t hear. “finishing up.”
“i’ll be waiting for you out here for when you’re done, alright?”
“yeah.”
peter runs a hand through his slightly wet hair, sighing somewhat louder. time to chop it all off again.
he creaks the bathroom door open, catching his gaze on elena setting up that chair they always used for haircuts and such. his breath almost hitches in his throat, but he coughs quietly to cover it up.
but of course, his spouse notices everything.
“are you alright, darling?” elena says, those milky white eyes filled with concern. they gently place the scissors they’d been holding down onto the table as peter walks over to the setup, albeit hesitantly.
“i’m alright, lena, don’t worry. let’s just get this over with.”
“are you sure? you sound very tense, love.”
peter bites the inside of his mouth. he loves his spouse, of course he does, it’s the fact that they’re always so concerned for him that irks him on occasions. “i’ll be okay.”
“if you want to talk about it, sunshine, i’m always happy to. i’m always happy to talk about anything that may be upsetting you or anything you wish to talk about. i’m here for you, okay?”
peter nods, sliding into the chair.
“are we going for the usual style, then?” elena’s voice is slightly more strained now, their hands still gentle as ever.
peter sits in silence.
(he could just ask to keep it long. elena wouldn’t mind, would they? it’s just hair, in the end.)
(no, no, it’s more than that. he wouldn’t be the peter they fell in love with anymore.)
“love?”
peter flinches. “uh....”
(just ask to keep it long.)
(get it cut. you’ve kept this in for so long, you can keep it going.)
“hey, hey, peter....” elena’s right in front of him now, but they’re blurry. why are they blurry? he’s wearing his glasses. something rolls down his cheek, and at first he thinks it’s just water from his hair, but when elena softly brushes their thumb under his eye, he realizes.
he’d been crying.
“what’s wrong, my love?” elena says, their voice just above a whisper. “you can tell me anything. is this too much? do you want to wait?” they sigh, their hand still feather light on peter’s cheek. “stars, am i asking too many questions?”
“no, no, you’re fine, lena, i’m just....it’s just me bein’ stupid.”
“darling, i assure you, you are far from stupid.” elena rubs their thumb under his eye again as peter hiccups. he tries to rub at his eyes, but he feels elena take his hands down and into their own. “you can tell me if something’s upsetting you, love. you are my sun, moon, and stars and i will never, never, judge you for anything you feel or listen with anything other than genuine kindness. i’m here for you.”
peter sniffles, hiccuping as he tries to take a deep breath.
(now or never.)
“i....”
(never.)
elena looks at him with a look that makes him feel like he has all the time in the world and yet none at all.
(or....)
....looks at her.
(....now.)
“i don’t think i’m a guy.”
all at once, it feels like a weight had been lifted off peter’s shoulders. he— she — looks at her spouse, eyes filled with more unshed tears, expecting a look of disgust or disappointment, but finds nothing but kindness.
“oh, sunshine, why didn’t you say anything sooner?” elena wraps her in a hug, softly running fingers through her hair. “i’m so happy you could feel comfortable enough to tell me this.”
peter’s hands shake as she returns her spouse’s hug. “i wasn’t sure if you’d be okay with it....”
“of course i’d be okay with it, love!” elena pulls away gently, their eyes full of love when they meet peter’s. “i’ll love you no matter what. no matter who you are, what you are, anything and everything, no matter what, i love, love, love you. you can be whoever you want to be and i’ll still love you just the same.”
peter hiccups, wiping tears away from her eyes. her voice feels caught in her throat, stuck there like a bug. “am i really the same?”
“you’ll be my same love no matter what. it was true when you hosted exandroth—”
“that was different, lena—”
elena places a hand on peter’s cheek, swiftly silencing her. “it was true when you hosted exandroth, it’s been true all these months and years, and it’s true now. you’re still the same person, just more....you. and that’s wonderful, peter. it took slaying gods and meeting two of the most wonderful people i’ve ever met and the death and resurrection of my first true love and a whole journey of love and change for me to truly understand and accept myself as who i truly am, to become my own person and not just a part i’m playing.”
“i’m different than you are, lena.”
“not so much so.” elena’s voice is soft, and peter sniffs as they rub their thumb along her cheekbone. “we both found our true selves, didn’t we?”
peter nods, but then shakes her head. “but i’m different from you, you found out this whole big identity thing for yourself and found who you really wanted to be and didn’t wanna play a part anymore and i’m just....kind of a....girl.”
elena’s face drops ever so slightly. “oh, sunshine....you do realize how similar to your own experience is to mine?”
“but i’m—”
“different, as you’ve said, but we’ve both found out a large thing regarding our identity, found who we really wanted to be, and decided we didn’t want to play a part of someone we weren’t anymore, didn’t we?”
peter’s breath hitches in her throat. she really hadn’t thought of her experience that way. she didn’t think that her outward presentation of “boy” could be just....a part she’d been playing.
she exhales in a small laugh, it growing larger before she’s giggling uncontrollably, elena nervously joining in but soon they relax as well.
“gods, what would thanatos think of this?” peter says in between giggles, her smile drooping at the mention of their friend.
elena fixes her with a soft look. “i think xe would be happy for you! glad you’re truly embracing yourself, you know?”
“yeah, they probably would be, wouldn’t they?” peter exhales, not quite a sigh. “i’m just....glad i could say this, y’know?”
“of course!” elena’s smile becomes a little more devilish, playfully tousling peter’s hair. “let’s trim these ends and then....i can give you a makeover?”
peter grins. “i’d like that.” she pauses. “and maybe you could....help me pick a different name?”
“i’d love to.”