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Ren collapses on his bed, hearing the milk crates creak below him. He doesn't have the strength to move. His entire body is hurt, he still has some bruises here and there and Takemi only comes tomorrow to check on him.
He has no idea how he'll explain how he got beaten up, broke some bones and got drugged. It's a matter for a future Ren.
He can't really move without hissing in pain and his head is still hazy. He doesn't even understand how he got to Leblanc again. He was supposed to be dead wasn't he? Or was he supposed to kill? He doesn’t know.
“Are you sure you don't want to go to the bathhouse? Maybe hot water would help.” Morgana points out, worried. Ren turns his head and sighs, looking back at the blue eyes of the cat.
“It's probably not a good idea. It may infect some wounds.” And Ren doesn't have the energy to stand again after he had to hide how tired, hurt he was when they were planning another target.
Ren couldn't care less.
“If you're sure. I'll stay around in any case you need.” Sweet Morgana as always. He'll never admit he cares but he’s the one who saw Ren in his weakest pitiful states the most.
Him and…
Ren sighs, closing his eyes. So many things happened in so little time. He knew what was supposed to happen but he didn't really have any way out except their plan.
He doesn't blame his friends for not seeing how he is. Ren doesn't want them to notice. He is their strong, reliable leader after all. He was the only one who could go through that. He can bear a few bruises, stabs, broken bones, drugs and harsh words. Nothing that would kill him.
…He could have died but he didn't, so it's fine? Surely. It can only be better than death at least.
Ren wishes it was easier. Ren wishes it didn't hurt. Ren wishes he wasn't betrayed. Ren wishes —
He wants so many things but he can't have all of these. Ren learnt his life is anything but kind. Injustice itself to its core.
It's just another injustice among others. Not the first nor the last. Soon enough his body will heal and he'll catch up to their next heist the phantom thieves target.
“We should have insisted that Takemi come now. How will you sleep like that?” Morgana huffs. He is standing far enough to not touch Ren as if he'll crumble if he just puts one paw on him.
“You're a worrywart.” Ren mutters against his pillow. “I've been in an interrogation room before. It got maybe a little bit more rough but it's fine.”
“A little bit more rough?,” Morgana repeats, stunned. He shakes his head. “I wouldn't need to worry in the first place if you could care enough about yourself.”
Ren hums, smiling. He doesn't like confiding to others, more comfortable when it's the opposite way. Maybe Morgana's cat form makes it easier for him. “I get why you're a healer in the Metaverse.”
“Don't change the subject, Ren!” Morgana hisses, glaring at him. “I should scream at Futaba to bring some stuff.” Ren immediately stiffens then hisses in pain when his body tense.
“It's just one night. There's no need.” Ren tries to soothe Morgana’s worries before he ends up alarming anyone. He doesn’t want to face anyone else and show them how pitiful he is. “Takumi will be there tomorrow. You insisted enough for me to ask.”
“You would have just waited it out if I didn't insist.” Morgana grumbles. Ren hums, feeling a little self conscious under Morgana's gaze even if he knows it's just concern. He doesn't want to be a burden.
Ren doesn't answer Morgana, just looking at his bruised fingers. Maybe a few broke…? He doesn't feel anything in some digits. Or maybe it's just the drug still there.
“I won't allow anyone to bring you to the metaverse until you are fully healed.” Morgana lies down next to him. “Shido can wait.”
Ren sighs. “I can handle these, there's no need to wait. Takemi can just gives me stuff that will ease the pain and—”
“ No .” Morgana nuzzles his little nose against Ren’s hair. It's quite pleasant. “You almost died, Ren. The rest can wait. You won't be able to do much in the other world if you already feel weak in this one. Just rest.”
Ren sighs but doesn't protest further. Since Morgana has left with Haru and came back he decided to give way more attention to Ren’s health and he knows he can't argue with the cat when he's like that.
Morgana says this as if he can really heal from the interrogation itself; he almost died there. His cognitive part must have anyway, especially since Akechi…
Ren grits his teeth. He doesn't want to remember the detective prince. The sweet heartless gentle hyper-rational dorky smooth assassin. He didn't see him at all for the entire time he was locked down there but Ren knew if he ever caught a glimpse of Akechi it would mean he failed. It would mean death.
It's quite ridiculous that – outside of his cat – only Akechi perceived more than what Ren wanted to show. Akechi mentioned about Ren’s bad eating habits, how he was probably overworking himself, how Ren should spend the money he's earning more for himself than for gifts and weapons for others, how Ren needed to rest more than constantly helping strangers.
The same man who showed some concern and kindness over his well being is the same who wanted to kill him. Maybe it was fake all along, trying to gain Ren's trust. Just another trick, another lie Ren allowed himself to believe in.
Ren sighs. It doesn't matter what was true or false. He won't have any answer. He's considered dead to Akechi now. The sparse time they had together has died as well. No more pool, darts, jazz, chess, coffee or debates.
Ren looks back at Akechi's glove on his bed table. Maybe this was a lie too. This rematch.
“He made his choice, Ren.” Morgana says as if he can read Ren's thoughts. “You shouldn't focus over it. You should be mad instead. He tried to kill you after all and lied all along. He probably killed even more people but…” Ren doesn't look at Morgana. “...I guess you knew all along and still liked him in the end.” Ren curls on himself more, ignoring how his rib cage is hurting him. Morgana is right. He should be mad but he's not.
Is it messed up to still want to see your murderer? To still want to hang out with him? He had fun with him. Akechi didn't confide in Ren a lot and the few things he said he forbade Ren to pity him. Instead Akechi just brought him to random places to have fun. He took him over and talked over mundane things, far from the phantom thieves business and investigations.
Ren doesn't want to believe everything was a lie. Akechi must have been sincere here and there, right? Just Ren wasn't enough to convince him to stay. Ren wasn't enough for Akechi to think it was worth it. Ren wasn't enough to be his rival. Ren was never enough —
A ping. Ren blinks out of his thoughts. He tries to reach out for his phone but groans when his shoulder blade refuses to move further. Maybe he'll have to call Kawakami for a massage too. Or maybe not. He's supposed to be dead.
“You shouldn't look at your phone. Let's go to sleep, Joker.”
“You know I won't be able to sleep tonight anyway.” Ren refuses to go unconscious. The last time he did he got splashed by water and got a few teeth broken and another truth serum in his veins.
He trembles at the thought, trying to not get noticed by Morgana. The cat behind him sighs but goes get the phone, pushing it in Ren's hands. He smiles at Morgana and unlocks it, looking at the last notification he got and freezes.
‘Akechi Goro’ sent you a new message.
He can't believe what he sees. This must be the drugs. He must be hallucinating. It can only be the right sanest possibility there. Akechi can't message him again. He has no reason to. Why messaging someone dead?
It's just Ren’s imagination right? He doesn't read right. It's just this.
It can only be this. Or it means they got caught. Or it means Akechi knows. Or it means he's going to die. He's going to get arrested and beaten again and again until he passes out—
“Ren! Ren!” He catches Morgana's voice but everything hurts so much and everything's so blurry… Where is he? Why is he here? Is he going to die? Is he dead?
“Ren calm down!” Ren can't calm down. It hurts so much. There's going to be another needle—
Something warm is below his neck. He wants to scream first, panicking. It must be a human hand, it's going to choke him— but it purrs.
It's loud, echoing in Ren's skull but it… helps. It's redundant, lulling, low but loud enough. Ren breathes in and out, focusing on this soft warmth.
He doesn't realise how long it stays. He notices his surroundings are more luminous than the interrogation room he was in. He notices the little collection on his shelves. He notices the fur, below his neck and peaking worried blue eyes.
Morgana.
Ren sighs. He wipes the few tears on his face and looks away from him, embarrassed. It's not that bad. It was just… a memory. Nothing harmful. He can be so fragile sometimes and for ridiculous reasons.
Morgana nuzzles against his head. He doesn't say anything and Ren is thankful for that at least. He doesn't want to talk about how stupid he is for getting frightened over something he was prepared for and knew anyway. It's not like it was a surprise. They planned this. Everything went like it should have. Nothing to fear.
Morgana looks over his shoulder, staring at Ren's phone. Ren follows his stare and his dread immediately comes back when he sees the notification.
“Why the hell Akechi is sending you texts?” Morgana voices out instead of him. His eyes are narrowed when he looks at the screen as if he could scroll on the phone with his mere eyes.
It would be weird. Kinda silly too. Maybe disgusting.
He doesn't talk about his silly imagination, trying to focus on the phone. “I have no idea.”
“You think he discovered our scheme?” Ren’s guts twist at the idea. He tries to not let it overwhelm him.
“...The only way is to check.” He looks at Morgana who nods.
“Make sure he can't see that you're reading. And never click on the space for replying.” Morgana points out. “We can't blow up our cover.”
He talks as if they're in a heist. Ren snorts. “Yes sir.” It's easier to take it this way at least. He checks his settings, making sure he'll be invisible and seen offline. He sighs, his finger staying over the phone, hesitant. He doesn't really want to know. He doesn't have a choice. He taps on it.
Akechi Goro: Is it silly I automatically clicked on this chatroom to propose to you to go to Jazz Jin?
This isn't what Ren expected. He doesn't know what he presumed but he didn't envisage that. Maybe he thought he would read “I know.” with a dreading dot at the end and it would have triggered an emergency reunion in the middle of night.
Or his death.
He shouldn't think about that.
He reads the rest.
Akechi Goro: I even waited a few minutes, expecting your answer. As if you could actually reply back.
Akechi Goro: I usually remember all the murders I commit perfectly. They are engraved in my soul. But yours is so blurry. I don't even remember what you looked like. If you even said something. What I even did.
Akechi Goro: The least I could have done is to remember your death. As the only one who knew what happened, who saw it, who made it. But even that I couldn't do it.
Akechi Goro: Why am I even texting you? Atoning for my sins? Praying for your forgiveness? Did you actually accept your death and waited for me to pull the trigger? Or were you frightened? Or maybe numb?
Ren stays silent in front of the texts. He keeps his hand away from the phone to make sure he won't tap on the replying space by automatism.
“Seems he hasn't seen through our plan then.” Morgana sighs. Ren guesses it's a relief.
He doesn't feel relieved though. Akechi… sounds in pain. He has no idea how he is now but Ren doesn't think it is good.
Or maybe he's tricking him again, trying to check if Ren is indeed dead, trying to see if Ren will react, reply?
How to even figure him out?
Ren blinks when a new text comes.
Akechi Goro: This was justice. This was right. I don't regret it. I'm proud I did it. You had messed up with the wrong person and you paid the price. I'm happy I did it. I finally got rid of you. I finally ended this pitiful ploy that was your justice. You deserved that. I'll finally not see your infuriating stupid face of yours again. You are finally dead and it's a fucking relief.
He never heard Akechi curses nor text some. Maybe it's how he'll be if he wasn't pretending all the time.
Akechi Goro: I hated you. I hated you so much and you are finally out of my life. You are dead. You are dead. youredrv
He doesn't understand the rest, words mixed among other letters and symbols and Ren can't really figure out the sentence in the smashed text.
He doesn't sound okay but maybe Akechi is really happy he's dead. Maybe he really meant nothing.
“...It seems both of you aren't okay.” Morgana whispers. “I think it's enough for today.” Morgana takes the phone between his teeth, taking it away from Ren’s hands.
Ren sees how Akechi sent another undecipherable message that makes no sense. Maybe his phone has some problem. Not like Ren can tell him.
Ren is considered dead. The thieves agreed they should not do anything that would be weird to not gain attention or suspicion and that Ren should stay out of any possible business, school or work. Not like he can since Morgana forbade him to put a foot outside.
Ren feels sort of better. He's at least not completely stuck in bed now and Takemi still visits regularly to make sure he's healing properly. Morgana takes his caretaker role a little bit too seriously and Ren doesn't really have the strength to argue against him.
At least his friends visit. He answered a few texts to some of his confidants, reassuring them he's indeed still alive. His friends are investigating this Shido, trying to get his keywords to not lose time. Ren has no idea who it is supposed to be. It's just Akechi's boss, the one who probably wanted him dead. Or maybe it was Akechi's request?
He sighs. All the free time Ren has is nice for reading, playing games, watching movies, making lockpicks but it also leaves too much time to think. Ren doesn't like to think.
At least Morgana allowed him to work in Leblanc. It occupies his hands a little even if he's still struggling with his broken limbs. He doesn't linger too long anyway since Morgana always forces him back to bed the moment he notices Ren trembling.
Ren wishes recovery was as fast as in the Metaverse. Just a quick spell and everything is fine. Morgana said it won't work if they try for these now. What a pity. He feels like he's wasting their time, just waiting for him to heal.
Ren is useless now.
Morgana is curled in one booth and Ren knows he's watching him carefully. He doesn't get embarrassed anymore when Ren says he's a Mother Hen, it's not even funny.
Ren wonders how long it'll take him to finally have some use. This free time is good to learn how to make a perfect coffee and curry but it's not really making them progress in a palace.
Ren puts down the heated cup on the counter. He'll drink later.
“Don't forget your meds.”
“I won't, mom.” Ren retorts, sarcastic. Morgana just rolls his eyes at his snarky attitude, clearly exasperated but not finding the point to argue more.
…Morgana is probably more of a mom than Ren’s mother is. Ren has no idea if it's a compliment or not.
He adjusts himself on the stool. The plaster on his right arm isn't as uncomfortable as it was before but it's still weird to only have one free arm to move around and use.
His left arm. Left hand. Left handed.
Ren sighs, glancing at his phone. If his thoughts aren't over how useless he is they focus on Akechi, the only person Ren didn't reply to.
He still texts. Sometimes it makes no sense. Sometimes he seems nostalgic. Sometimes angry. It's a constant duality.
Akechi liked to come to Leblanc at this hour. When no one is around but them. They played a few chess games, talking over trivial things.
His phone lights up. Ren takes it.
Akechi Goro: I miss your coffee.
Ren sighs. Akechi sends these texts a lot these days. He talks over Jazz Jin is lonely now. How he can't really stop at Penguin Sniper anymore. How he had thrown away a few of his favourite philosophy books because it reminds him too much of Ren.
Some days he sends nothing. And the next he is flooding him with text after text until nothing makes sense anymore.
Morgana says Akechi misses Ren. Ren doubts it. He wanted to kill Ren. He still says he's glad he did it. How can Akechi miss him?
Akechi Goro: Any other is bland now.
Akechi Goro: Another thing you ruined for me.
What Ren is sure of is that Akechi is bitter. He seems constantly angry and Ren discovers another side of him he knew existed but he never saw it enough.
Akechi swears. A lot. Ren isn't surprised by it but it's quite different from how he used to talk. It would be funny. If Ren wasn't supposed to be dead and if they were friends.
Akechi Goro: It's sickening. You are annoying me even in death. But of course you would manage that.
Akechi Goro: I'll handle it. I'll join you soon enough anyway.
This too. Death.
Akechi often talks about Ren's death but his own as well. He often says it'll be over soon. He talks over how he's so close to finally end everything, to reach his goal.
Akechi Goro: I wonder if you are with my mother now. Did you tell her how her son is twisted? Did you tell her how a monster I am?
Akechi Goro: She probably saw it herself, haunting me.
Akechi Goro: I'll surely never see any of you again. You must be in heaven now. I'll be rotting in hell.
Ren doesn't reply to anything but he always feels sad to see the self-deprecating texts he gets from Akechi. If Akechi was aware that Ren is reading he would probably ask him to not pity him.
But Akechi doesn't know. And Ren is dead.
Akechi Goro: I'll pull my father with me.
Ren remembers Akechi talking about his father. It wasn't much, a mere sentence among the conversation but it caught Ren's attention when he saw Akechi frowning when he mentioned him.
Morgana jumps on the counter. “Is it Akechi again?”
“Yeah.” Ren mutters in his breath, staring at his phone. “He texts so much. I don't get it.”
Morgana sighs, looking at his screen. “He must miss you.”
“Why did he shoot then? Why did he bring me there then?” Ren squeezes his phone, teeth gritting. “He's the one who sold us out.” If Akechi didn't want to, he could have just done it couldn't he? He's the one who planned this. It wasn't necessary.
Ren knows he's just angry and that Akechi doesn't really have all the control on this situation. After all this Shido exists and Akechi must have his reasons. But still…
He pulled the trigger.
Akechi Goro: You must be alive.
When Ren sees this message he’s close to having a stroke. His imagination is running wild and he tries to find a way how to even get out of this situation because then he'll really end up dead and—
Akechi Goro: There's no way you could have died. You are my rival. You can't be defeated this easily. It's too pitiful. It's not you.
Morgana calms him down though. If Akechi really thought he was alive he would have come to Leblanc to finish his job already. Which he didn't.
He has no idea if it's reassuring or not.
Akechi Goro: You must have escaped in some way. It's why I can't remember right? If you would have been dead I would remember it.
Akechi Goro: You just dropped your phantom thieving business. You just understood you need to drop the show. The Metaverse isn't your place to be.
Ren grimaces. It would have been easy but it's not. Not like Ren went to Metaverse ever since the interrogation but he didn't actually drop it. But he won't tell him that. Or tell anything.
Akechi Goro: That's good. Stay away from this, Ren. This isn't your business. You can't solve this. You can't save this. Don't get in my way.
Ren wants to ask so many questions. But he keeps his fingers away from his phone. Morgana is looking at it too and he seems saddened.
Akechi Goro: Please. Please go away. Please don't come any closer. Don't make me kill you.
Ren understands now. He frowns, gulps but he doesn't say anything. Why is Akechi saying that?
He sounds like he's begging him. He sounds hurt. So hurt.
Ren exhales. He shouldn't think about that. He should continue to exercise more so his arms won't be as numb as they are now. Morgana tells him to not do too much or he'll hurt himself just more but Ren knows they don't have the time anyway.
Akechi Goro: You have to be alive. You have to stay alive. Let me end this my way.
Ren knows he can't.
One day he thinks Akechi knows he's alive.
The next it's the opposite.
He can't discern what's going on in the mess of his texts and he doesn't have time to process it as he calls.
Ren completely freezes, looking at his phone buzzing on his mattress. Dread and fear are familiar to Ren now. He just waits for it to end and he sighs in relief when it finally stops.
Ren just lies down more comfortably on his mattress, staring at the sleeping Morgana. With Takemi’s approval he can finally go out. He’s not done with all the meds now but at least he's not groggy all the time and he has made sure to move around enough to not let his body get numb and stay broken.
His mind isn't stitched up however but he can bear it. He guesses Akechi's texts don't help as well, confusing him. One day he sounds like he cares, missing him, talking about what ifs. The other he's gloating over his death, how he defeated Ren, how he's done with him, how he couldn't bear his existence and wanted to kill him for so long.
Morgana is right. Akechi isn't okay. But nor is Ren.
His phone lights up.
You have one missed call from ‘Akechi Goro’.
…He left a voice message.
Ren sits up, unlocking his phone, looking back at it. He doesn't know if he's curious or looking for any possible information Akechi could leave in these messages. Ren doesn't understand how he feels over the other boy especially after he tried to kill him, sometimes sounds happy over it or miserable.
He taps on his voicemail. And he hears sobs.
He never saw Akechi cry or even be sad. He saw fake sadness or disappointment but the few genuine emotions he could get from him were far from sorrow.
It's almost… not sounding like him. It's so different. It's heartbreaking too.
“I hate you.” He mutters between hiccups. “I'm glad you're dead! I'm thrilled!!” But he doesn't sound like it.
Ren hears something crashing from afar. He wonders if something fell. Or if Akechi broke it himself.
“You were unbearable. You had everything I wanted! You had all the help and support when I had nothing!!” Ren winces when he hears something else breaking. “Everyone was gloating over you… And you had to do nothing!! I had to craft any little piece of myself to just find a place somewhere… All my efforts meant nothing!!!”
“I'm sorry.” Ren answers but Akechi can't hear it anyway.
“You ruined everything… You are finally dead and even now you still are haunting me and I can't fucking stop it!!”
“I'm sorry.” Ren says again and it hurts to hear Akechi like that. He wishes to do something but he knows he can't.
There's silence. Just hasty breathing and crying. Ren doesn't say anything, just listening.
“I'm sure you're thrilled too to see me like that.” He's not. Akechi cackles. It sounds cruel. Muffled too. “So superior to everything, never affected by anything.” Ren grimaces. It's how Akechi sees him. “Tell me, Joker. Is it good to make me like that? To play with my sanity?”
Ren sniffs. He realises he's crying too.
“I deserve it.” Akechi mumbles. “I killed you after all. And I loved it. I must have. I wanted to bring you down for so long. It must have been great. It must have.”
Ren looks away from the phone. He should stop this.
“Because I hate you. I do. I wanted this.” Akechi snarls. “I wanted this!!” He shouts, startling Ren. “Stop being in my head… Stop fucking me over… Stop!!”
He screams, loud but soon it changes to sobbing again. Ren trembles. He sniffs and wipes his own tears. Why is Akechi like that? Why does Akechi make him feel this way? He wanted this. He wanted Ren’s death. Why is he crying? He must be happy. He must be ecstatic. Ren is finally out of his life because Ren is a burden, useless, something to discard—
“...Why are you dead…” It's low, muffled. “Please answer me…” Ren bites his lips. “We could have gone to the ship together. We could have ended this together. You just had to come to me— WHY DID YOU SAY NO—”
Ren stops the voicemail. It's not even the end of it but he doesn't want to hear more. He still remembers how Akechi suggested Ren to leave everything behind him and join him. Ren had to refuse and Akechi smiled bitterly but he nodded.
Morgana said Akechi misses him, doesn't want this. Ren thinks he gets it more.
He wishes it would be easier if Akechi was a perfect villain.
Ren needs to be careful. He has to avoid any place that would be linked to the phantom thieves and he tries to dodge any policemen around. He has to be discreet, subtle, not getting attention.
Morgana repeats this daily. It gets annoying but he understands his worry. Ren has still a lot to catch up on and one of these things among dozen is the investigation on Shido.
It gives him a lot of headaches. He doesn't want to remember who he is supposed to be. But he doesn't have a choice.
He didn't really expect to meet this guy again. He didn't expect to see the one who ruined his life and forced him to Tokyo.
Ren stays away from the crowd for a few minutes. He's joined soon by his friends as they search for his keyword. Ren tries all their tests but nothing really succeeds.
Ryuji grunts, obviously getting impatient as he sputters any possible place as if a political man looking to become the prime minister would have a distortion like a ramen shop.
It's entertaining though. It makes Ren forget.
Until a notification gets to his phone. He frowns.
“What's wrong, Renren?” Ryuji looks over his shoulder and gasps. “Why the heck is he texting you?!”
“Ryuji !!” Ann hisses. “You're just going to get us noticed!!” She says that as if she's not as loud as him but Ren is fine.
“Who is texting Ren?”
“This—” Ren immediately shushes Ryuji and shakes his head.
“I'll tell you later.” He mumbles, as if he can really explain what's going on in Akechi's head. He opens the chat.
“Why are you looking?” Ryuji gruffs.
“Maybe he'll drop hints.” Ren says that as if he's not just curious, prying over a part of Akechi he doesn't know enough.
Akechi Goro: Your friends are pitiful. Or should they be called friends?
Ren frowns, not getting what Akechi is saying. Maybe he's watching them now? Ren makes sure he's hidden enough among the group.
Akechi Goro: I watched them. Shido ordered me to keep an eye on your sycophants. Not like I thought it was worth it as they all mean nothing when you aren't here.
So Akechi is really watching them. Ren pulls more on his hoodie, hoping he's hidden enough.
“What is he even texting you?”
“Shush!!”
Akechi Goro: It's nauseating. They are so lively, cheerful. As if you're not dead. As if it means nothing.
Ren bites his lips. Is Akechi doubting his death? Again? Or is it suspicion rising? Something else?
Akechi Goro: They didn't care at all didn't they? You solved their meaningless lives and wounds, you guided them on their own journey and now they're all okay. There's nothing to solve, nothing that requires help. So if their saviour dies it doesn't matter because they don't need it anymore.
Oh. Ren sighs. So it's something else.
Akechi is close to the truth but far from it as well. His friends aren't affected because Ren is just still alive. That's all. There's nothing to look more into.
Akechi Goro: So full of life. So playful. So joyful. How can they not even miss you? Don't they feel this hole inside their chests? Don't they feel lonely? Don't they feel bitter over anything that is linked to you? Don't they wish for revenge? Don't they wish to kill me like I killed you? Don't they cling onto their memories of you as if it's the only thing that keeps them sane and insane at the same time? Don't they wish for things to be different? Don't they look for an explanation? Don't they grieve you? Don't they feel like screaming and destroying the whole world around them because someone they cared for just died?! How can they not be fucking crying for their loss?! How dare they stay this way when you left?!
Ren looks away from the entire paragraph. This is… heavy. He grimaces.
“No hints?” Morgana asks over his shoulder. Ren shakes his head.
Akechi Goro: I should have killed them instead. I should have slaughtered them, torture them until they beg for you to save them. I should have broken their bones one by one, crushed their hearts and souls. I should have broken their minds, made them beg for mercy and made them realise you don't exist anymore, you're no more there, you are dead, you are dead, you dead —
Ren looks away. He doesn't need to look more into that. Is it supposed to be touching? It is kinda disgusting that Akechi wants to kill his friends. Sort of. Kinda. Definitely not okay.
Ren can't help but be sort of sentimental over something like murder. Ren isn't okay.
Morgana has big widened eyes as he reads the text. Ren doesn't think it was supposed to be read by him but especially not by Morgana either. The cat is grimacing. Or at least he looks like it.
Akechi Goro: Why do I feel like that when they don't? Don't they care or did I get too attached? I should be the one giving no shit. I give no shit. I don't care. You are fucking finally dead and no one fucking cares over your stupid pathetic life because you mean nothing, you are nothing. No one misses you. No one wants you.
Akechi Goro: Is it making you miserable that no one ever remembers you? I hope so. Watch how the world is meaningless and you have changed nothing. Any person you gave your attention and time to, they got rid of you easily. Like I do. Like. I. Do. I don't care. It's finally over. Out of my life. I hate you, Ren.
Ren looks down. He wonders indeed if he means something to anyone there. They did visit when he was recovering but if he said he won't be their leader again would they have dropped him? Is he meaningless? What if he was dead—
Morgana puts his paw against his cheek. “Don't listen to him, Ren. We all are here aren't we? We are going to end this. For you. For us. For everyone. For him too.”
Ren breathes out, ignoring the questioning looks of his teammates.
we could have gone to the ship together
He remembers Akechi's weak voice, muffled and cracking. It didn't sound like him but it was raw, rough and sharp. It was the most honest Akechi Goro he heard, revealed to him.
His friends care. Akechi cares too. So Ren cares.
“Ship.” He says and the world twists around them, pulling them to the Metaverse.
Coming to the Metaverse after so long is quite draining. Ren has no energy left and they didn't even do that much. He has to get used to the other world again. Maybe fuse some personas too. He needs more power, more skills to pass through all the shadows there.
Ren groans when he remembers he still has to see some confidant to at least strengthen his fusions. Can't he just sleep for one hour or two before? Ren knows he can't. He has wasted enough time during his recovery.
Ren looks up at his phone, staring at the different messages suggesting to go here and there in Tokyo. It would've been fun if Ren just didn't want to pass out and felt like nothing really mattered.
Akechi's words still hurt now. Ren can't help it. He's wrong especially since Morgana says so but Ren still wonders if there's not a part of truth in it. After all if Morgana wasn't here would his pain after the interrogation would have been noticed? The confidants he helped… They don't really message him now… They don't need him now… Ren is a mere temporary friend to use as they want.
Ren closes his eyes. It's not like it's one sided. Ren uses them too. He wants more power, stronger personas and it's one of the ways to get it. Ren is as selfish as they are. He shouldn't feel hurt in the first place.
His phone beeps and he groans. He knows he needs to go now if he wants to catch up with any of them now but he doesn't feel like it and his thoughts Akechi just fed isn't really helping either.
He looks up and sighs when he sees Akechi's name. He gets more talkative those days. It's always a flow of messages now. There's not just one or two texts anymore or even none.
“Akechi?” Morgana asks and Ren nods. The cat sighs as well. “You know what the others said.”
Yeah, Ren remembers very well. Ryuji was pestering over how Akechi has no right to text him. Makoto was looking at Ren with disappointment when he admitted he had read these. They were all mostly against the idea of it but it's not like Ren can ask Akechi to not message him anymore nor block him as it would show there's still some activity on this phone. It would raise some suspicion that Ren is indeed alive.
Ren should just ignore these.
But Ren can't do that after he had heard Akechi breaking down. Morgana knows Ren can't just act as if Akechi wasn't sending him texts.
The cat just gets over his shoulder. He nuzzles against Ren’s cheeks and he opens the chat.
Akechi Goro: I should have just taken you with me back there. It wouldn't have mattered to Shido if you were really dead or not, the moment you aren't mingling in his business anymore.
“He often talks about what ifs doesn't he?” Morgana mutters. Ren hums. “He really regrets it… Even if he says the opposite.”
Morgana must be right. Morgana is always right.
Akechi Goro: Since no one cares about your death I should have just carried you out of there and kept you with me. You would be alive at least. And you would be mine.
Ren stays silent. This is another fucked up what if; but it's no more surprising now. Ren got used to this Akechi now. The rage, the possessiveness, the arrogance, the fucked up thoughts… It's not really astonishing to see it. It's familiar. Just everyday Akechi.
Akechi Goro: I have no idea what I would have done with you. Maybe training you until you'll finally fold and help me in my plans. Maybe I'll just keep you safe in my apartment, unable to go out, forbidden to look at anything else but me. I could be crushing you, breaking you, twisting you in any way I want. You wouldn't get any help. You would need me. Want me.
Ren scratches Morgana's head as he reads each word. He should probably be disgusted and frightened by it but he isn't for some reason. It's just a what if in the end and Ren just lets Akechi ramble over it as if he was talking about weather.
Akechi Goro: In the end you are still mine aren't you? I'm the one who took your last breath, the one you saw the last. I took your life away and kept it for me in my little disturbing collection. You are a rare piece though, Joker. I'll never forget you.
Ren shouldn't feel cherished by it. His mind can't help but confuse his sick thoughts with genuine care and devotion but Ren craves it. To be wanted and needed. To help people and be liked by them.
He'll never forget Akechi as well.
Akechi Goro: I regret you won't be the one killing me as well. As rivals, it’s how it should be but fate never had been kind to me.
Ren doesn't want to kill Akechi though. He doesn't want to be killed as well. He thinks. Maybe he enjoys the attention Akechi gives him through it? That's sort of nice. And fucked up.
Ren thinks Akechi's texts mess him up. A little.
Akechi Goro: Will you forgive me for it? To not be my murderer?
Ren doesn't think he can forgive Akechi. But he doesn't feel resentment as well. It's just there. It's what Akechi did and made. It messed up lives and killed loved ones.
Ren should be angry at Akechi first if he has to forgive him for something. He should consider something bad, a mistake, an issue to solve but…
Ren isn't really good at comprehending these. He looks at Morgana, hoping to get an answer from him to understand the mix of emotion there. To get what's good or bad.
But Morgana says nothing, just sighing as he looks at the texts.
Ren guesses Morgana doesn't know as well.
Ren doesn't know what brought him to Kichijoji. Maybe nostalgia. Maybe he was expecting something.
He's wasting too much time again. But Ren feels exhausted no matter what he does. The Metaverse isn’t as fun anymore. He always feels on the edge when he comes inside, scared some policemen are hiding somewhere and going to arrest him again. Especially in this guy’s palace.
Maybe he's just looking for the one boy who looked at him, exasperated and pulled him to the closest restaurant to force him to eat something else than curry. Or took him to his special place. Or pushed him to do better as they played darts or pool.
He knows it's foolish. There's nothing to do there but selling the few stuff he got in the Metaverse. There's nothing to do here but wander around the streets and look at the people who find their place in this crowd, discussing with others or eating a short meal.
Ren is like a drop in the ocean there. He means nothing. He is nothing. No one notices him and he notices no one. It's like he's a part of something bigger, wider than him he can't control and he lets it do as it wants as he follows the rhythm.
Morgana’s head is over his shoulders but he didn't comment on why Ren decided to stop at this station for not much reason. He watches with him the masses, observing them with not much thoughts.
“Akechi called you.” He says instead, breaking Ren out of his thoughts. “Do you want your phone?”
Ren nods and Morgana hums as he gets back in his bag to take his phone in his mouth. Ren stares back at the black screen. He shouldn't. Why is Morgana letting him do this?
“... Should I listen?” He asks and Morgana stays silent for a few minutes.
“I… It's your choice, Joker.” Instead of advising him not to, he just lets Ren chooses as if he's able to make a good decision.
Ren tucks his phone between him and Morgana. He opens his voicemail and clicks on the last one left.
“Ren.” Ren shivers. Akechi rarely called him by his first name but after his death Akechi immediately dropped the Amamiya-kun and all the honorifics. “You are alive. I know you are. If there's one thing I trust is your way to manage your way out of any compromising situation. I have no idea how you got away but it's not important. I hope you are fucking finally eating healthily. And sleeping enough. If you drop your pathetic thievery and heists you have much more free time to give to things important. Like resting.”
He doesn't sound that insane this time but it messes up Ren even more. How can he talk about how he enjoyed killing him to talking about kidnapping and then just dropping an ounce of care that Ren craves?
“I wonder what you look like now. How you're doing. What you're doing.” Ren catches noise behind him. He wonders where Akechi even called him. Why is he doing this? He is trying to manipulate Ren? To trick him? “There's so many promises left between us that will never be fulfilled. There's no way to accomplish them now.”
Ren lowers his head and he thinks about the glove that is in his pocket.
“Would things have been different if we met earlier?” Ren bites his lips. He can hear the wonder in Akechi's voice like a sparkle of hope that lingers only in possibilities that don't exist. “What if you met me first instead of them? What if you were with me instead of them?” Akechi clicks his tongue and sighs. “...We would have great rivals. Perhaps even friends.”
Ren wants to protest but even himself doesn't know what could fit them. Rivalry seems too much and not enough at the same time. Akechi tried to kill him too. Ren listened and read things from Akechi that were supposed to not be acknowledged and known.
“You could have been my partner right now. My assistant on cases. My reliable ally in the Metaverse. But you're not.” Akechi stays silent. “You're dead instead.” He murmurs, emotionless.
“You shared a unique bond with him, didn't you?” Morgana asks, glancing at Ren. He doesn't really answer, unsure what to reply. It was unique indeed, so different from the rest. But it doesn't seem there is any particularly good outcome from this relationship with the detective prince. It was doomed from the start.
Ren nods. “No… No. You're not. Just… you're no more in my life. It's okay. It's fine.” He can hear how Akechi's breath hitches, fastens. “You're fine. It's better to be far from each other. You won against me and disappeared. There's nothing out of this. Maybe you came back to your hometown.” Ren trembles at the idea. He doesn't want that. “You're away. You left. But you're still there, somewhere.” He laughs bitterly. “In the end you gave me your unconditional company and left me as fast as you came. I couldn't keep you for myself.”
Ren feels like he's missing Akechi too as he watches Kichijoji’s life around him.
Ren feels sick when he's back from Shido’s palace. This ship makes him nauseous and the shadows around him as well. He tries to keep up. He really tries but Mona notices and calls it a day.
He sees how his teammates are worried and Ren tries to protest but Morgana refuses to continue further today and the others agree with him.
Ren doesn't understand why the Metaverse makes him feel like that. He's so exhausted. He's so tired. Everything is messed up in his head. He can't eat anything at dinner. Morgana still insists to him to take an apple. Ren listens.
They don't say anything as Ren cuts it to slices on the counter. He feels suddenly hungry the moment he swallows the first bite so he guesses it's not that bad.
Morgana turns on the TV as he sits next to Ren. Ren looks back at it.
Of course there's Akechi on it. Smiling and laughing for nothing. Pleasing the crowd. The detective prince.
It's nothing like Ren hears it.
When the host talks a little more than he usually does Ren sees how Akechi is frowning, lost in his thoughts. He wants to know what's in his head. Is he thinking about Ren?
“You miss him,” Morgana mutters as if it's a sin to say it. “You really do.”
Ren looks away. “I'm sor—”
“It's okay, Ren.” Morgana shakes his head. “It's okay.”
Ren knows it's not but he can't help it. He feels so empty now. He feels like nothing matters now. He's just lost on his own morals as if the officers back there punched it out of him.
Maybe it's why he can't lead the phantom thieves correctly.
“...You should do the heist without me.” Ren gulps. He doesn't really want to say it but he knows he can't be selfish. “I'm useless there. I slow you down. We'll never reach the treasure if I stay.”
“You are our leader. We won't go without you.”
“We'll lose with me.” Ren insists. “We can't let Shido ruin Japan. If you don't do it, it'll happen. His change of heart will never come true.”
“Then we'll lose. With you.” Morgana stares back at Ren. “We're friends. We're a team. I'm never leaving you behind. Not again.”
Ren sniffs, he hides away from Morgana. He just stares at Akechi on the TV.
“I'm sorry.” Ren swallows his own saliva. His throat is too dry.
“It's okay, Joker.” Morgana puts his paw over Ren’s hand. He stares at the TV too. They stay silent and Ren can't help but feel miserable. He's a waste of time and space. He's pulling his friends in his misery when they should thrive in glory. Morgana still doesn't want to leave him behind.
He should have been dead back there.
“...Do you think he'll come to arrest me if he realises I'm indeed alive?”
Morgana hums but indulges him in his question. “I think he wants you by his side. If all his messages mean something.”
It's sort of reassuring.
The deadline is getting closer and closer. Ren does try to be stronger, better but he can't fight more than two shadows before feeling like he's breaking apart. Each time they go back to the real world, Ren rushes in the toilets throwing up everything he ate from the day. He feels shameful. Disgusting. Sickening.
Everyone refuses to go without him. Ren tries to insist but they still stay with him. Ren hates how he's bringing them to failure. He's a nuisance for them. They should leave him behind.
Ren is failing his own self. It wouldn't be a surprise he wouldn't be able to summon Arsène again.
Ren wishes he was better. Ren wishes he could be the leader they need but he can't now and he loathes it. He hates himself to react this way.
He is useless. A burden.
He looks back at his phone, and the chat log opens. He's waiting just for a message, any text to pop up. And at some point it will because Akechi always says something.
Akechi Goro: Sometimes I just wish I've dropped anything. I would be killed then but then you would be alive. I hate you how you make me reconsider everything I've planned in my life. I wanted this revenge for so long. I made everything for it and it's finally getting close to the end.
Akechi Goro: So why are you still on my mind? Why can't you be like any useless corpse I killed? Why are you so special? I loathe you.
Akechi Goro: I'm not going back now. It's too late for regrets and dread.
Akechi is brave. Akechi is stronger than Ren. At least he doesn't back down. He doesn't let himself fail.
Akechi Goro: But still here I am, opening this chat and texting a dead man. Pathetic. Since when did I become sentimental? What have you done to me, Joker?
Ren sighs. He wishes he knows. Even Ren doesn't understand himself. Why is he not brave anymore? Where's the leader when they need it?
Maybe if he was dead at least they wouldn't be forced to wait for him.
Akechi Goro: I find myself hoping you are still here. Everything would be easier. I know I can't fool myself enough. You are dead. I killed you. Why am I even doubting myself?
Akechi Goro: You'll never answer again. We'll never meet again. This number will get lost soon enough and given to someone else. Amamiya Ren is among the deceased now.
Akechi Goro: I can't lose myself to what ifs now. Not so close to ruin Shido’s empire. If I can't have you I'll at least have this. See my father crawling at my feet… It doesn't even sound that satisfying now. What have you done to me?
Ren wishes he could answer. Would it matter now if he did? Nothing matters now. If Akechi kills him, kidnaps him… He has nothing to accomplish now. He's as good as dead.
Akechi Goro: I need to stop texting you.
Ren’s eyes immediately widen. His heart is racing. No. No he can't. No. Ren was cared for even in death… He can't lose that… He…
Ren taps on the call button before he even notices. He panics even more, freezing in front of the phone.
“I just called Akechi.” He mutters but Morgana hears it, his head peeking out of the fur.
“You did what?!”
And of course Akechi picks it up. Ren’s breath hitches up. They stay silent and he can hear Akechi's breath, slow, so different from how Ren is trying to hold his own back.
Morgana is staring at the phone with dread too.
They stay like that for a few minutes, hours… Ren doesn't know how long it keeps up until Akechi chuckles.
“Is it fun, Sakura? To play with me this way? Trying to get revenge over your leader’s death now? Or for your mother maybe?”
Ren gulps. He thinks it's Futaba. Is it supposed to be fine?
“Nothing to say? You think it's funny don't you? How ridiculous I am. You probably read all of these, laughing out loud. Maybe it's even more pathetic that you couldn't save your leader.”
Morgana obviously wants to reply but he says nothing, looking at Ren. Ren can just bite his lips until he can taste blood. He's pathetic indeed. He can't help them anymore. He can't save them anymore.
“Not even reacting? You are just wasting my time.” Ren is. “You shouldn't provoke me further. Or get in my way. I can easily kill all of you. Get rid of you without even tainting my hands. You're pitiful. Nothing without your leader.” Why do they refuse to not let him go? Why can't they go without him? “I have enough. You obviously have nothing to say. I'll hang—”
“No!” Ren immediately stiffens at his own answer. Why does he make it worse? Why is he doing this?
“...No?” Akechi repeats it. Ren trembles. He can't hold it back anymore. His breath quickens, he's dizzy. Is he in Metaverse? He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to come here anymore. He doesn't want to be arrested again. He doesn't want to play heroes or vigilante. He's tired. He just wishes he was dead—
“Ren, Ren… Please calm down.” Morgana whispers. “It'll be okay, alright? Just breathe in slowly…” Morgana gets closer to his chest and immediately begins to purr. Ren still trembles, his breath hitching. He clings on his cat, the world is spinning. Is he dying? He doesn't want to.
“...Ren?” Ren's eyes snap open when he hears Akechi calling him. Is he going to kill him? He doesn't want to. He's so tired.
Morgana kneads him gently. Ren can feel his claws but it's more soothing than hurting. He slowly calms down as he closes his eyes. He seems to be resting over something hard. Is he on the floor? Or his head is on a table, the counter? He doesn't want to acknowledge it.
“Akechi hung up.” Morgana says. Ren just hums. “It’s okay. It'll be alright.” Morgana talks with so much confidence and Ren trusts him with his life. “Maybe it would help you even.” Morgana breathes out.
If Morgana says so… It's probably true.
Ren doesn't care anymore. Ren can't bring himself to care. He just holds onto his cat who is still purring below his hands. The clock ticks and Leblanc is silent. Ren doesn't fall asleep but he's not fully conscious as well. It feels better this way.
He hears the bell rings at some point. He doesn't even open his eyes. Maybe he'll get shot? Quick and fast. Or maybe Akechi would want to take his time. He feels Morgana moves below his hands, maybe staring at their visitor.
“You almost look dead this way.” Ren can feel Akechi's eyes on him. “If I wasn't catching your chest getting up and down I could have been fooled. Is that what you're trying to do?”
“Are you going to kill him?” Morgana retorts instead of Ren who stays still.
“What if I do?” Akechi huffs. “He escaped me. Once. I won't let it happen again.”
“You don't want it. I've read it. I've heard it.”
“A mere ploy on my part.” Akechi scoffs, discarding Morgana's idea. Ren finally opens his eyes and turns his head. He looks back at Akechi.
“Do it then.” He murmurs. Maybe it should sound like a challenge. Or like he's begging for it. He doesn't know what's going on.
Akechi doesn't answer. He doesn't bring out his gun either. Instead he slowly gets closer to Ren and touches him. It's gentle at first, shy but it gets more rough, squeezing violently his arm. It’ll leave a bruise.
Akechi is shaking. “You're alive.” His eyes are more narrow and Ren can see one tear rolling down his cheek. His jaw is clenched, lips pursed. He looks so upset. Ren wonders if he was looking like that when he was at the other side of the call.
“I think.” Ren answers. He doesn't really feel like it. Maybe Akechi has shot his mind back there. His soul. Ren is so empty. Is he alive?
Akechi crashes onto him. Ren falls down on the floor as he's pushed onto the ground. Morgana immediately hisses, going away before Akechi completely crushes him, only leaving Ren below Akechi. Akechi isn't looking at him as his face is pressed against Ren’s chest. He's still shivering and Ren doesn't know how to really process it. He's not killing him now at least.
“I hate you.” His voice is muffled and it reminds him of how Akechi sounded like on the voicemails.
“I'm sorry.” Ren replies back. Akechi looks up at his answer and Ren can just watch the flow of tears on Akechi's face and his gritting teeth, anger and despair mixed in his eyes.
“Why the fuck are you fucking apologizing.” He spits. Ren looks away.
“Because you hate me.”
“You absolute miserable fool.”
“I'm sor—” Akechi puts his hand over Ren’s mouth.
“Shut up.” He hisses. “Shut the fuck up, Joker.” He sighs and puts his head over Ren’s shoulder, his nose tickling Ren's neck. He puts his free arm around Ren, pulling him closer. It feels strangely intimate. Maybe it is.
Ren looks back at Akechi but he can only see the caramel strands of hair completely messed up. It would be funny to see something completely different from how the detective prince is supposed to be. But he doesn't really feel like laughing now.
Ren turns his head and sees Morgana coming closer to them. The cat is smiling at him. Or at least he looks like it. He curls on the other side of Ren’s shoulder, not disturbing the weird embrace Ren is in.
Akechi isn't saying anything, he isn't moving either. But Ren can feel his hot breath against his skin, proof he is still alive.
Ren just stares at the ceiling. His back hurts to stay on the ground like that but he doesn't point it out. He isn't getting killed. Akechi isn't arresting him. What is this?
He opens his mouth. “Why did you message me?” He asks instead. He feels Akechi stiffens at his question but he doesn't move, staying hidden in the crook of Ren's neck.
“I felt like it. And if you ask more I'm afraid I can't really detail it as I'm not really aware of my own reasons.”
“Okay.” Ren mutters. “I don't know why I've read either.”
“I didn't ask.”
“Sorry.”
Akechi groans but lifts himself up again. “You and your ridiculous tendency to apologise. I should be the one saying so. Not you.” His eyes narrow when he sees Ren’s mouth opening again. “If you dare to say sorry again I'll make you regret it.”
“...Okay.” Ren says instead. He looks at Akechi's red eyes instead of the ceiling now. He never really saw Akechi's face this close before. He has freckles below all this makeup. Ren wants to draw on these.
Ren gulps. It's probably wrong to stare that much isn't it? “What are you going to do then?”
“Arresting you.” Ren freezes. No… Not the interrogation room… Not again… “For myself.” His train of thought immediately dies out at Akechi's words.
“Yourself?”
“Yes.”
“You won't pull Ren into the Metaverse again.” Morgana immediately protests. “And he doesn't go away without me.”
Akechi tsks but Ren shakes his head. “Akechi…” He doesn't know what to say. Please don't kidnap me? Please don't hurt him? Ren sighs. He doesn't have the strength to say anything.
Akechi lifts him up as he crouches, taking him in his arms.
“The cat can come.” He still glares at Morgana who gets over Ren immediately. Ren smiles at him. “And I'm pretty sure your friends will track you down again anyway.” Akechi sighs. “Such a hassle. You are a pain in the ass, Joker.” Ren holds onto him more as he carries him out of Leblanc.
“You don't have to do this.” Ren doesn't get why Akechi wants to take him anyway. He has no use. No point. No power anyway. He's just a frightened ridiculous thing now. Not enough healed despite his recovery.
Akechi stares back at him. “No I don't. But I have fucking enough of you constantly haunting me. If I have to always feel you around and have you in my head, I'll at least take the real thing.”
He'll get tired of him. Maybe he'll kill him then. Ren doesn't say anything else, not looking where Akechi is bringing them in the middle of the night.
“It'll be okay. It'll be fine.” Morgana says.
And Ren trusts him because he doesn't feel that empty now.