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The clink of bottles and the murmur of voices echoed around the room as the Scouts finally found themselves with a chance to relax. Some holiday had been decreed by the king - Levi did not know or care what for - leaving an unusual amount of free time in the hands of restless soldiers. Pockets and purses emptied, and alcohol flowed freely. Levi, on the other hand, took a sip of tea. He would have preferred to stay in his room or catch up on paperwork, but Erwin had insisted it was ‘good for morale’ for everyone to bond here together.
“Hey, Levi.” Hange said, ever so slightly drunk. They collapsed next to him in a chair.
Levi groaned to himself. A drunk Hange had no self control, and they were likely to either babble nonstop about titans or attempt wild experiments on their fellow Scouts.
“I was thinking,” Hange began.
“Don’t.” Levi said.
“Do you think if we captured a small enough titan, we could keep it as a pet?”
“No.” Levi said, already knowing it was going to be a long night. “Where the fuck would you even get a titan that size?”
“Remember that three meter titan we saw once? It wouldn’t be too much bigger than Miche. We could keep it on a leash.” Hange insisted.
“Sure you could. If you’re willing to let it eat all your limbs.” Levi rolled his eyes.
“It would be so cute, though.” Hange sighed, clasping their hands together.
Suddenly their gaze locked on something on the other side of the room. “Look! Is he trying again?”
“Huh?” Levi glanced over. Hange seemed to be focused on Oruo and Petra, who were engaged in one of their typical petty arguments.
“Oruo tried to ask her out earlier and it backfired.” Hange whispered. “Petra thought he was just joking around and mocked him back.”
“How annoying.” Levi muttered. In truth, he wasn’t sure what outcome would annoy him more: Pathetic, unrequited pining, or a happy couple on his squad. Romantic drama had no place on the battlefield, and good soldiers should have put anything like that aside. He didn’t understand why it was so hard to do that.
“Come on, don’t be so grumpy.” Hange waved a hand. “You should be happy for them. If it works out. Which I don’t think it is…”
Levi couldn’t hear what Oruo was saying but behind him, he saw Eld facepalm.
“Oruo really doesn’t know how to flirt, and Petra doesn’t ever know he means it that way.” Hange groaned. “I guess they’re hopeless.”
“That might be for the better.” Levi pointed out. “What happens when one of them is in danger or dies? Can I still count on the other to fulfill their duties without hesitation, even if it means not saving the person they love?”
“So much doom and gloom.” Hange said. “Wouldn’t it be nice to see people happy together?”
“Maybe if you had less to drink, you’d be thinking more seriously.” Levi scoffed. “They shouldn’t even be considering this unless they know it won’t become a problem in battle. And if they don’t work out, it’ll create conflict within my squad.”
“Well, I guess it is hard to control something like love.” Hange sighed. “Every time I see a titan, I face that struggle too.”
“Please don’t fall in love with a titan.” Levi said.
“What about you?” Hange paused to take a gulp of their drink. “Have you never wanted to be with someone badly enough to take a risk like that?”
“No. I’m not stupid.” He said.
“Really?” Hange shook their head. “Tell me, do you like anyone?”
“No.” He snapped. “I’m not some sappy, love stricken idiot, and unlike the rest of you, I don’t have some weird obsession with sticking body parts together.”
Hange let out a wheeze. “Is that all sex is to you? Sticking body parts together? Actually, somehow that makes sense for you. Is it too dirty as well?”
“Yes.” Levi bristled. All those bodily fluids repulsed him. Not to mention how disgusting such close proximity to someone else’s sweaty, grimey body would be. “And think of all of the diseases you can catch from it…” He grimaced. “I don’t see how all of those things add up to an enjoyable experience.”
“It’s about the intimacy, and org-”
“Don’t fucking explain it to me. I know plenty about it, and if there’s more I don’t know, I don’t want to know.” Levi grumbled. Hell, he had grown up in a brothel. He had learned far more about it than someone like him ever needed to at a rather young age.
As a child he had thought of sex as a currency, merely a job his mother did that put food on the table. He had known how damn horny people could be, but when he had grown older it surprised him that nearly everyone was like that, except seemingly him. He had very mistakenly assumed his lack of interest at all fit in with the norm. Not to say he hadn’t known sexual attraction was normal, just that he hadn’t realized the lack of it wasn’t considered so too until his peers told him otherwise.
“I guess you don’t like it at all, then?” Hange mused. “I feel like I should have known that about you. It makes sense.”
In truth, his lack of sexuality wasn’t something he normally talked about. In his experience, it either didn’t matter to people in the first place, or they peppered him with annoying questions and disbelief. Some suggested it was his upbringing in the brothel that had caused it; Levi was certain that wasn’t the case, seeing as how practically half the children in the Underground came from brothels too, and they all ended up fucking anyway. Others felt the need to ask if his body worked properly, or made offers to ‘help’ that made his skin crawl. And of course, they always wanted to know if -
“So are you a virgin?” Hange asked.
Levi let out an exasperated sigh. If four-eyes weren’t a bit intoxicated, they wouldn’t have been bold or rude enough to ask, but here they were. He supposed he wasn’t at all surprised that Hange’s curiosity crossed appropriate bounds. They had asked far worse questions about titans while sober.
“What do you think, dumbass?”
“And you’ve never been in a relationship.” Hange guessed. “You know, I’ve never gotten to be with a titan, so I understand.”
Levi winced. “Four Eyes, if you try and fuck a titan in front of me I will kill you both.”
“Listen,” They drawled, the drink they’d had settling in, “Titans don’t have reproductive organs. But I could give one a little kiss.”
“I thought you wanted a titan as your pet, not your boyfriend.” Levi sighed.
“I want a small one to keep and a big one to kiss. Is that so wrong?”
“That’s fucking insane.”
“You wouldn’t get it.” Hange pouted.
“I don’t think I want to.” Levi rolled his eyes.
“Come on Levi. You don’t have your own woes of love to worry about, so you should help me.” Hange pleaded. “I have a plan. You corner the titan, and just as it thinks it's done for, I swoop in and convince you to spare its life. It’ll be so romantic.”
“I am not helping with that.” Levi said. “Were your brains eaten on the last mission?” He swiped away the nearly empty bottle in their hand. “No more. And don’t ever suggest romancing a titan again.”