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There’s this sort of buzz he gets- after he performs- something spontaneous and energetic. It keeps him up all night, and makes him hyper aware of his surroundings and feelings. Never before in his life had that feeling been stamped out so quickly.
The euphoria kicks in, and the entering and exiting of oxygen in his lungs only encourages it. He looks out at the crowd, the crowd that cheers for him, screams for him, and all he wants to do is perform. He needs to give them what they want.
And then comes the crash. It’s sickening, it knocks the air out of his struggling body, and he’s filled with a slimy shame. A voice, one that’s familiar, one that’s mocking. Akiyama Mizuki. Once his eyes reach them, he finds a new depressing target. As if things couldn’t get any worse. He abruptly ends the show, trying to be natural about it and failing horribly.
His feet carry him, and then he’s yelling, flushed with embarrassment, and everything’s so much worse, because she knows a side of him she’s not supposed. He’s vulnerable. The sloppy wall he’s constructed between them is falling fast, crashing to the ground in front of him. Then- then Touya’s there. He’s confused, and concerned, and his face is doing all these sad little things that make Akito’s heart lurch.
Implications, the kind that sting, the kind that Touya thankfully doesn’t understand, and the kind that he can never understand. Touya is stable. He’s reliable. He’s the peace you feel after the fall. He’s laying down in your bed after a day full of tiring, but fulfilling things.
Akito’s feelings for him, however, are the opposite. Raging inside of him, there’s no rest, there’s no outlet. The closest he gets to satisfaction is when he’s by his side, performing, caught up in the swaying atmosphere of Touya’s voice. It’s not enough- it’ll never be enough. He can pretend, so he does; he pretends Touya’s singing the words to him. It motivates him to push himself further, harder- it’s the little bit of indulgence he lets himself have, singing that song with him.
Others aren’t supposed to know what he’s thinking on stage. They’re not supposed to know the feelings he has, that’s too personal. He can vaguely portray them through his voice, so that way, he has some plausible deniability. The audience doesn’t know he feels shameful every time he feels a pinch of desire. They don’t know about those awkward times after soccer practice, where he could only focus on the rain of water clashing against his feet, or he’d lose control. They’ll never know how numb he feels after touching himself, because if he doesn’t stay apathetic, he’s afraid he’ll cry himself to sleep. And they will definitely, never know about Touya.
Akiyama is wrong. They have no right to find the humor in his suffering. Not when every relationship he has except his with Touya is so fucking fragile.
They cannot jeopardize this.
And it’s weird, because no one is treating this as seriously as he is, and it’s driving him crazy. His feelings aren’t applicable to the situation, that’s what the laughter is telling him.
His feet are taking him somewhere, but this time he’s not alone. Ena trails behind him, dragging her feet, heels in hands. She’s tired- and he is too. And she knows- she doesn’t want to, but now she does. Suddenly, it’s too much. The chilly air, the words unspoken, the heat in his cheeks. Naturally, he runs away. Not literally, but he finds refuge in the boy that offers it to him.
It’s too easy, really. He sneaks into Touya’s room all the time. He tells his parents he’s sleeping over, and he does, but that doesn’t mean that Touya’s folks know he is. They think he’s a bad influence. Akito thinks that’s bullshit, and clearly Touya does too, because every time he leaves his window open a crack. Tonight is no different, Akito tells himself. He’ll climb through the window, and they’ll stay up too late watching music videos.
His friend is none the wiser to his true feelings, so they can talk and touch and just be friends- everything will be normal.
The pressure of the window sill against his leg sparks a bit of pain, a soreness that’ll last for a few seconds. Touya doesn’t even look up from his laptop, his face deceivingly neutral. Akito reads him easily, so he can tell Touya’s amused by how quickly he snuck off to him. If Touya’s smugness wasn’t so cute, he’d definitely be pissed.
“No hello?” He asks, brushing himself off as he lands on the floor. “Not even a, ‘Sup’?”
Touya smiles, finally looking his way. His gaze is warm and inviting. “Sup.”
He can’t help the little laugh that shakes out of him.
“Touya, daddy would be so disappointed in your language. You’re supposed to say, ‘how do you do?’”
He sticks his tongue out, muttering a, “bleugh,” and just like that, Akito’s pulled to his side, constantly wanting to be on the same centre of gravity. Hands and knees, he leans over Touya’s shoulder, checking what’s on his laptop. He keeps their bodies apart, only by an inch, and wishes he could drape himself over the other boy. Maybe Touya could wear him like a coat- a coat made of Akito.
“Whatcha watchin’?” He drawls, tuning into the little clicks that signal Touya pausing the video.
“Nothing, really.” Touya replies. His fingers slide back and forth against the aluminum, a nervous tell. He’s holding back again. Akito squints to read the title, surprised when he reads, ‘Ifuudoudou,’ as if they hadn’t just performed it.
“Let me guess, you’re obsessing about the one time your voice cracked during your vibrato.” Akito rolls his eyes, because Touya’s performance was practically flawless. “You do enough studying for school. Give yourself a break, man.”
Touya sighs. “R-right. That was it.”
Oh, he got it wrong. Shit, now he just needlessly pointed out a mistake. Nice going, Akito.
“What’s up? You look tense as hell.” One thing he enjoys about being around Touya is the lack of need to be anything but blunt and forward with him. Small talk isn’t necessary, and he doesn’t have to dance around the truth. And oddly, Touya likes it this way.
“Look, I’m sorry for the mess earlier. I didn’t mean to drag you into- well, whatever the hell that was.” Taking the initiative, he apologizes before Touya can answer him.
“That was out of your control, Akito. You don’t need to apologize for it.” Touya insists, gently shutting his laptop closed.
“Ok, well, you’re still off, so what’s bothering you?” Of course, Akito can’t stop himself from pushing the subject. His lack of self-control is embarrassing.
Touya takes a moment to think his next words through, pensively fiddling with his fingers. He waits, and doesn’t mind waiting, in fact, he’s happy to wait. He understands the need for silence.
“I… can we listen to music?” With a swift change of subject, they’re laying on the cool hardwood, eyes shut to fully focus on the ebbs and flows of the instruments. It’s fine this way- whatever Touya’s dealing with, listening to music helps him cope. Akito feels the same way, so he keeps quiet.
He ignores the tugging in his gut to be closer, even though he’s close enough to feel the heat radiating off of Touya’s body already.
“Was… was what your sister said true?” Touya blurts. It’s enough to open his eyes for, glancing at his friend with a raised eye brow.
“Hah?” He grumbles, not exactly elated to be reminded of her again.
“Are… are you really a virgin?” Logically, Touya’s being genuine. There’s no hint of teasing or amusement in his voice, but Akito’s defense system activates nonetheless.
“Oh Har, Har. Yeah, I’ve never had sex. Not everyone’s controlled by their hormones. And I’m not even that old yet, so it’s perfectly normal!” He plays it cool, so he can ignore the pounding in his chest.
“I didn’t- I didn’t mean it that way.” He hears the panic in Touya’s voice, and notices the way he rushes through his words. “I’m not- I haven’t either.”
Akito’s certain, he’s positive he knows all there is to know about Touya. That’s just how best friends work; you learn each other inside and out. This, however, is new territory. They don’t talk about this stuff, because they’re busy chasing their dreams. They never talk about those kinds of dreams, if you catch his drift.
It’s not like he doesn’t think about it. Oh, he thinks about it. Touya, calm and in control. Touya, shy and in need of guidance. Touya, a terrifying hunger in his eyes. Every possible fantasy, he’s had. And Touya- well, he’s beautiful. You’d be stupid not to notice. Girls confess to him all the time. They see the outside, and form an opinion. If only they got to know the inside, when Touya’s hair is greasy and knotted, when droll drips from his mouth and he snores like a freight train, when he’s messy and unpolished. If they knew the inside, they’d only fall harder.
And surely, he would’ve taken the opportunity to date one of his admirers. Maybe even go all the way with one. He’s quite the ladies man. And he’s so confident when he sings that way- when he sounds that way, but of course, it’s just a performance. Just pretend.
“Honestly, I thought you were more of a Casanova, Touya.”
“I’m… not as cool as you think I am.”
Akito rolls onto his side, resting his chin in his hand. “Oh, I know. You’re an extreme dork, you just give off that impression.”
“Just like how you act all tough but always care the most about everyone?”
“Hey! Don’t go around exposing my secrets, Touya. I tell them to you in confidence.”
“Akito…”
“What?”
“You’re not being serious.”
“And?”
“I want you to be serious.” Chilling, is how he would describe it.
“Oh…”
“Akito.” Touya shifts, and says his name, short of a breath. He’s reaching out, getting closer. His fingers are calloused, but not his palms. They’re long and soft, and his hand is caressing Akito’s face.
“Aki…” oh, oh no. That’s out of place. A nickname that doesn’t belong to him, something isn’t right. They’re direct, they’re close, they call each other by their given names. Honorifics aren’t necessary; they’re far past that stage. Their respect is unspoken, but so clear.
He’s afraid, because he knows his face is red, and trying to keep his composure is pointless. Then Touya, he touches, his thumb rubs against Akito’s cheek, like that’s enough for him.
“I haven’t even kissed someone yet.” Touya trails off, his intention shockingly plain. His eyes aren’t on Akito’s anymore, they’re on his lips.
He lets himself lean in, even as Touya doesn’t reciprocate the movement, and kisses him. It’s chaste, and small, but it’s Touya’s first. He’s Touya’s first. Confidence seeps into his bones, and he stares openly at Touya, whose ears are pink and mouth still agape. He smirks.
“Disappointing, right?” His voice is at its lowest octave, husky in the way it is when he wakes up in the morning.
His eyes are wide, vaguely reminding him of a feral dog. He’s not mortified by it, really, he feels at peace.
Touya rushes to meet his lips, of course, because what Akito said is a challenge, a challenge to keep going, to keep pushing their limits together. He really shouldn’t be as arrogant as he is, but after all this waiting, he doesn’t respond. He doesn’t kiss back. He lets Touya kiss him, smiling easily. He wants him desperate, now that he has him. He wants him frustrated. To feel what he felt all this time, waiting.
Touya groans, and pulls away, taking Akito’s shirt in fists. “What are you doing?”
Akito grins. “Fucking with you.”
And this time, Touya kisses him so hard, he can’t refuse any longer. Kissing isn’t soft, it’s hard, and then its wet, and then Akito’s lips aren’t chapped anymore, and he’s pulling Touya closer by the waist. He likes how it feels- it’s closer than hair ruffles and hugs and pats on the arm. It’s warmer than all of those things combined, and it feels good, when you get past pecking, and they’re definitely past pecking.
Suddenly it’s not enough to have him by the collar, Touya has to grab his face, tilting Akito’s head for him, making things deeper. He likes being held like this- he likes being rid of control. And then, what if they were closer, what if they were connected in all places, what if they saw everything of each other and didn’t run away? What if they kissed for the rest of their lives, and did nothing else?
Touya wants something else, he says so with a little noise, something in between a hum and a moan, and then he nips Akito’s lower lip, and it’s weird how the pain doesn’t make him pull away. Because Touya licks it better. He licks Akito’s lips until they’re dripping with his saliva, and it’s ridiculous, just to lay there and feel another person lick sensitive skin like that. When he’s done, he pulls away, looking at what he did.
His smile, the blinding one, it says, “Mine.”
“You’re such a dog,” Akito teases, and as he opens his lips and closes them, spit that isn’t his stretches between.
Touya isn’t listening when he sticks his tongue out to break the lines, and this, this is new territory. New sensations, new nerves. It strikes him that no one’s ever been inside of his mouth, besides the dentist. With gloves and tools, it’s strictly professional. This is flesh on flesh. This is personal.
He only wants Touya inside.
It feels natural to place one of his hands against Touya’s stomach, especially when he licks the roof of his mouth and moans. He lays it flat, keeping something between them. His skin is hot, when Akito slides his hand underneath his shirt. He likes the subtle bump, the fine hairs, the soft skin. He likes how this catches Touya off guard, so he can move further into his mouth and make his breath hitch. It’s hard to decipher whose tongue is whose, and whose mouth is whose. They’re feeling the same things, the skin touching skin, the sucking and licking, and the heat- the heat.
Touya shifts away, and then he pushes Akito’s back against the floor. With his hand on his chest, mirroring the touch from earlier but higher, Touya slings a leg around Akito hips until he’s straddling him. Oh god, his thighs, they’re heavy, they’re tight, they’re pushing against him and making him feel things he shouldn’t. Akito feels the blood pumping through his veins when they’re close like this. He heaves, completely out of breath and sweaty, and it’s so beautiful it’s unfair.
He lets himself be dragged, pushed backwards until he’s against Touya’s bed frame, sitting up. This, this position is good. He’s still being straddled, but they can be chest to chest. Space isn’t required anymore; they need to be together.
Touya, smart, intelligent, creative Touya, he presses his lips to Akito’s neck. He pecks, over and over again, warming him up, and then it’s intense, he can’t hold back, he’s kissing up Akito’s jaw like he was kissing his mouth minutes ago.
“Mm, hah-!” Moans slip from his lips, as Touya finds a spot and bites, and ouch, that’ll leave a mark he can’t explain. It’s so messy and unskilled, but he’s completely lost in Touya’s gentle sucking, and his harsh bites.
He pushes him away, holding him by the shoulders. His body’s reacting faster than his mind can keep up with.
“I- can’t-!” Keep my composure, but that last bit failed to leave his lips.
“You don’t have to.” Touya breaths, understanding immediately. He reaches out with his mouth, licking at Akito’s lips until he opens them, the kiss swallowing his whine. It’s all too much, having Touya like this, wanting him like this, and getting him like this.
He likes the way Touya’s hair is slicked back with sweat. He likes the way his face is so red, and so hot to the touch. And how when he does touch his face, Touya leans into the gesture, preening like a content cat. Saliva coats his lips and drips from his tongue, and Akito just can’t handle seeing him like this and not kissing him until they both wish they’d just die from anticipation.
He desperately latches onto Touya’s sides, then he’s slipping his hands underneath his shirt, feeling the devastating touch of bare skin. He grips his waist, where Touya’s the smallest, and pulls him into him. Closer and closer and closer until the space between them becomes non-existent and they can feel every movement of the other’s body.
It’s becoming unbearable to hold his hips in place. He can feel Touya’s erection directly against his, where their groins meet. Another noise slips from inside of Akito’s mouth, and he can’t take just kissing anymore.
He rolls his hips, but feels no relief. Urgency replaces all logical thought, because Touya feels so good grinding into, especially when he moans and reciprocates the movement, rocking his hips uncontrollably.
“Touya-“ Akito whimpers, “wait- we should- we should go slow.”
He has no idea why he says this, because right now he just wants and wants and wants.
Touya stops, and it’s agony. His eyes are bright, like a strike of lightning.
“I don’t want to.”
Touya straightens, reaching over his back, gracefully pulling off his shirt. He lets it fall out of his fingers onto the floor.
“Pretty…” he can’t breathe. The moonlight shining through the window hits Touya, making his pale skin glow. Moles are scattered on every surface of him, like stars of an inverse night sky.
His cheeks turn a pretty pink.
“Um… do you want to…?” He mumbles, gesturing towards Akito’s shirt.
“Hell yeah.” He slings off his shirt, fuck shirts! They’re a stupid invention.
Blood rushes multiple places when Touya openly stares at him. They’ve seen each other bare chested, but never allowed themselves to really look.
“Your freckles are adorable.”
“Shut up.”
“I’m not teasing you.”
“I don’t like being called adorable.”
Touya leans in, bringing them face to face. He gives him a sly smile.
“Don’t give me that look, Touya.” Akito grumbles.
“What look, Aki?”
He blushes furiously. “Stop with that nickname, it’s too cutesy!”
“Aki?”
“Stop!” He can’t be caught enjoying it, especially when he’s imagining Touya moaning it.
Touya kisses him, wrapping his arms around his neck. He unwraps a single arm, guiding Akito’s hands back to his waist. Once Akito’s latched on, Touya brings the hand to his hair. Then he pulls. Hard.
“Hm- Touya-!”
Their lips part.
“H-how do you want m-me?” Touya asks, trembling. Oh, right. Touya’s afraid. Touya’s trying something new.
Every way, he wants to say. The real question is how does he not want Touya?
He wants to be fucked. He wants to fuck Touya. He wants him inside and outside. He wants to taste every fucking fluid that comes from this boy. He wants to hear every sound, and he wants to be the only one to hear it. He wants to do things he’ll get shamed for in public. Maybe he wants to do something in public.
“I’m- I’m gonna die if I don’t make you cum.” Remember, be blunt, be honest. It’s cheesy, and he feels like a dumbass, but it’s the truth.
Touya covers his face with his hand, a pathetic attempt to hide himself. Akito places his hands on Touya’s hips, mesmerized by the band of his boxer briefs above his jeans. He slips his thumbs beneath, and Touya shudders.
His hands fall to his sides with the force of the shake, and his head falls back. Opened mouthed, eyebrows upturned, he looks adorable, and stupidly erotic.
“Akito-“
Akito presses a sloppy kiss against his stomach, deciding kissing it is far superior to touching it. Touya seems to agree, uncontrollably moving.
“Lemme…” before he can finish, Touya nods. The hilarity makes him laugh squeakily.
He undoes the button, avoiding accidental brushes of his hand. He pulls down the zipper, and takes a deep breath before tugging Touya’s pants and underwear together. This is when Touya’s eyes leave him, finding a very interesting mark on the wall.
Naked, is something Akito’s never seen Touya as. The fine hairs lead to sparse dark hair, and a single mole rests below his right hip. Slender, average (perfect),and a head flushed with pink, leaking with pre-cum. He tries to describe Touya’s cock as neutrally as he can, because if he doesn’t, he’s going to say something stupid. Or worse, do something stupid.
He wants to be the first to taste him.
“Cute…”
Touya huffs. He’s obviously affected by the cool air, and painfully hard.
“I don’t wanna do it like this.” He blurts, an image of what he wants to see clarified in his head.
“O-ok, Aki.”
“Lay down on the edge of the bed for me?”
“Yeah- yeah, I- I can do that.”
They’re left with aching and tender skin separating from each other. It hurts, but not for long. Touya does as he’s told, and Akito loves the way his legs tremble on the way there. He’s how he wants him, now. Almost. Akito hauls the lingering clothes around Touya’s knees completely off, reviling in the sight of his partner like this.
He props himself up on his own knees, temporarily ignoring the throbbing of his own dick. He places his hands on Touya’s thighs, opening them up until he’s in between them. And it’s like Touya’s body blooms, naturally unfurling itself.
“D-don’t be scared, Touya. I’ve got you.” He reassures, wondering if Touya’s body will ever still. He kisses the inside of Touya’s thigh, a small promise to be gentle. Then he grabs the base of his cock with an unsteady hand, eagerly opening his mouth to take as much as he can.
Touya whines, pressing his back harder into the mattress. Meanwhile, Akito silently hopes he’s doing something right, wishing there was a, “blowjobs for dummies,” and that he read it. Similar to his mouth, Touya’s cock is hot and fleshy, and especially sensitive. He writhes so hard the sheets spin and twist beneath him.
Akito hallows his cheeks, and Touya starts rutting into him. Back and forth, it takes all his concentration not to choke. He gives some attention to the head, tonguing the small slit. Touya moans, sliding slightly off the bed to be closer to Akito’s mouth. Unconsciously, he reaches his hands underneath Touya’s thighs, hooking his arms around them to hold him up.
Without his hand keeping Touya at a distance, he fully fucks into his mouth, gasping and groaning.
It’s difficult, and he finds himself dazed, too dazed to notice when Touya’s pleasure builds.
“Aki- ngh, I-“
He becomes desperate, thrusting recklessly, burring his hands in Akito’s hair. Then he bursts, a horrifying cry as he cums, unable to pull away from Akito’s grasp. His body contorts, forced to spasm through the pleasure. Akito slips off, switching to his hand to help him through it. He hasn’t swallowed. He likes the feeling of Touya in his mouth. He likes the taste and how it’s all over his lips and mouth. He lets his mouth hang open, the memory of heat lingering there.
He climbs on top of him, disregarding Touya’s hyper-sensitive cock. He drags his limbs lazily until he’s gazing down at Touya. His gray eyes are glazed over, trapping the storm within them.
“Didja like that, Touya?” He asks, taking two fingers to his tongue. He smears the cum on his fingertips across his face, gleefully basking in the way Touya’s eyes widen.
Touya gulps. Akito takes this as permissible to grab his jaw, planting an open mouth kiss on Touya’s lips. So Touya can taste himself, Obviously. His eyes roll back until they close, and he moans into the kiss.
Akito feels a sudden surge of pleasure, pressing his erection further into- wait, that’s- that’s Touya’s hand. He separates their mouths, a mixture of cum and spit spilling out of their lips. Touya smirks, palming his dick through his track pants.
“Touya… that’s unfair.” He growls, breathing into his partner’s ear.
“Let me do this for you,” he says. Akito sighs, which makes Touya chuckle.
“Stop playing hard to get when you want me so badly.”
“Shut up and touch me already, asshole.”
Guiding his arms and legs, Touya makes him hover slightly above him. He slides himself downwards, until his head is at Akito’s hips. He licks through the thick cotton, and Akito gathers all his strength to make sure his legs don’t give out.
“Wh- what are you doing? I thought you were gonna give me a handjob.”
Touya tugs his pants down. “I am. I’m just gonna make you slick.”
It’s fucking unfair, having Touya’s mouth around him, salivating on his dick, only for it to be taken away.
“Motherfucker-!”
“Shh,” cocky son of a bitch. Generally Touya’s the innocent one, but occasionally you see how god damn devious he can be. He uses Akito’s body as leverage, pulling himself back to him, that little smirk still on his face. Touya gives him a chaste kiss, almost like an apology.
He thinks of the piano, oddly, when Touya finally wraps his fingers around him. You need long flexible fingers to succeed at playing the piano. Sounds slip out of his lips as Touya begins stroking, and it feels so good, it’s got no right to feel so good.
“Touya- m-more,” and he gives him more, stroking faster, kissing his collarbone. It takes him everything not to cum right there- but then he thinks of how pretty Touya sounded earlier. He wants to hear it right now, he wants them to cum together.
“Grab- grab yours, Touya.” He insists. Touya’s already half-hard, and in no place to refuse.
He licks his lips, waiting impatiently as Touya struggles to take both of them in one hand. He reaches below, giving him a hand. It’s easier this way, and it’s not like it’s gonna feel any different.
It’s weird, feeling the exact same thing Touya’s feeling. It makes him feel more connected as their moans blend together, and they thrust carelessly into their hands. It’s too much, but it’s not enough. He needs to be closer. He kisses Touya, catching his bottom lip between his teeth before going back in. They moan into each other’s mouths, it’s like they’re consuming each other, and he doesn’t want it any other way.
Tension grows in his stomach, the muscles in his thighs clenching. He tears away from Touya’s mouth as he orgasms, his head flying backwards with a strangled moan. It pushes Touya over the edge, and Akito collapses against him, adding extra pressure to milk the last of their orgasms.
Cum cakes their bellies, and Akito lets it dry, almost like glue sticking them together. He hopes they never pull apart. With his face in the crook of Touya’s long neck, he finds himself lightly pecking the other boy.
After a few minutes, their breathing evens. A confession slithers out of Akito’s mouth. “When- whenever we sang Ifuudoudou together, I pretended you were talking about me when you sang.”
Touya laughs. It’s a pretty sound. “I was thinking about you when I did.”
Akito feels satisfied with this.
“Well, then now it’s true.”