Chapter Text
He wakes up and for once the heat source he went to sleep by was still there when he woke up. His arms wrapped around his father. He was being shaken but he didn’t care. Memories he didn’t want were swirling in his head at the moment. Why were they returning now when he was unable to think of them surrounded by reminders.
The white masks would barely treat him as an animal most of the time and while talking with sword was nice it could only do so much to replace interaction with non hostile cookies. He is still being shaken . It didn't matter; he didn't want father to go. If he pretended to still be asleep maybe he wouldn't leave. He clung to him a little tighter.
“ We have to get ready for the day now” He reluctantly let go and father slipped away out of his grip. He reached over grabbed sword instead it was saying good morning as best as it knew how. Father was changing clothes as he wondered what he should be doing. He saw a folded robe much smaller than the one father was putting on placed down next to where he had put sword for the night.
It was probably for him. It was the right size and there was no one else here. He should put it on. Why couldn’t he move. “ Dark choco is something wrong” He shook his head. He finally got him self to begin putting the robe on. It had actually caused him some trouble trying to tie the belt in the right way but muscle memory pulled thought for him and he managed to do it.
He had just finished when father turned to him, having been done for a few minutes now. “ Now we are going to head to the infirmary and pick up something that should help with your speaking” What else could he do but agree.
He followed his father as he walked out of the chamber. His legs start to hurt rather fast they still were not used to being used very much. After so long being stuck in a single room where he did nothing but sit. His thoughts were cut off by sword giving him a burst of strength which thankfully soothed some of the strain.
After thanking sword he continued onwards trying his best to keep his thoughts from wandering back in to dangerous territory. This is made much harder as they walk into a place that looks far too much like where the tests happened.
He doesn't like this, he doesn't like this at all. He jolts as suddenly there is a hand over his eye. He forcibly relaxes his muscles, it's just father and he didn’t want to see this in the first place. He ends up trying to get a little closer. He can trust him to keep him safe. It’s not like he has any other option so he should just go with the flow.
He knew he was giving up what little control of the situation he had away. It was done as an attempt to make the feeling that something horrible is going to happen go away. But it did not work. Still at the very least it doesn't get more intense. He hears a door open and steps though as father finally stops blinding him.
The room is not as anxiety inducing as the area before but it still gives him the same feeling of the test room. The feeling is only amplified by the fact that he can’t point out directly what is making him uncomfortable. It just did. That was somehow worse than being able to point out the source.
Another wave of unease hit him as he realized that both father and a cookie he hadn't realized was in the room had been talking while his eye darted around the room and he caught none of it. It was only sheer luck that he was actually paying attention to the voices when he was addressed.
“ Thank you, please take a seat. Prince dark choco here is a numbing solution for your throat” Father simply tugged him down on to the wide seat next to him and soon there was a bottle full of an unknown liquid forced into his hands. He didn’t want to be here. He doesn't feel safe.
He looked at the milky liquid and his mind was repeating the same thought over and over. He didn’t want to drink this. He didn’t trust it but father is looking at him expectantly. He feels his breathing start to pick up.
He doesn't have a choice. He doesn't have the strength to fight off father. For some reason the fact that he has no other option makes it a bit easier. He feels a bit floaty focusing on that though. The barrier between him and his body is just barely there again. He just hopes this doesn't hurt too much.
He tries his best to down the bottle in one gulp best to get it over with fast. The floating feeling is back but it is different. The barrier between him and his body hasn’t thickened, in fact it’s fades with the calm that the lightness of his head is bringing.
Helping that along is the fact for once he is not in pain. The scars that managed to stick despite swords best effort normally ache and with them being spread everywhere that means he aches everywhere but they are silent right now.
Sword doesn't seem to like this. He can hear it screaming. He knows this should worry him but it doesn't and he knows that should worry him as well but yet again it doesn't. What was there to worry about it was the best parts of floating without the bad parts.
“ It seems the anti anxiety medication within this was a bit stronger than you expected” What was father talking about? Was this medicine talked about earlier? He must have missed it if it was. What was it? It hit him that the liquid he drank was likely the medicine and that it should not have taken that long to figure that out.
“ So now that with that taking effect do feel like you can answer some questions about what happened” The cookie he didn’t know the name of spoke“ What..” He forgot what he was going to say there. Something about questions.
“ I am going to be asking you questions about what happened at the place where you got all those scars, to see if there is anything we need to do for medical reasons okay” the cookies voice had a weird tone.
He didn’t care he was trying to figure out what was the feeling underneath the fuzzy.That's a weird feeling fear but not fear terror but not terror. It didn’t matter it was to far away he just needed to answer the question.
“ Okay” He couldn’t think very well“ Can you tell us how you ended up with the white masked cookies” Oh he can’t really most of those memories is just him being miserable without any clues on how he ended up there buried in the suffering. But he was supposed to answer the question
“ I can’t remember anything other than heat and helplessness” Hopefully that is good enough for the cookie. The weird feeling is back but stronger it’s okay it’s still far away he can ignore it like swords screaming.
“ Healer is he supposed to be so out of it. He is acting like hollyberry when she just finished trying to break her record of how much juice she can drink and remain standing.” The weird feeling is becoming a lot less neutral.“ With how strong a reaction he had when he first woke up I erred on the side of caution it seems I gave him a bit to much”
He can’t stop thinking about heat and being trapped and a awful smell. That feeling is not different from fear anymore. “ Dark choco!” his chest hurts its trying so hard to get air in his lungs but its not working. Where is he? What is going on.
“ Is the test today how long it takes for me to suffocate again.” Did he say that out loud? What is going on? Why can’t he float away? The memories follow him no matter where he tries to put his mind. The feeling of organs on the outside of his body, the taste of jam in his mouth.
“ I don’t want to remember. Why do I have to remember” There is something warm surrounding him. He dosn’t like it. It's too close to being stuck in darkness and unable to move.Or soon to set alight He wants to be free. He tries to push away but now something is grabbing his wrists.
His is pulled in one direction then the other over and over. The movement is smooth and gentle and calming. He becomes aware of how heavily he is gasping for air soon and as he catches his breath the fear turns into the not fear again.
As even that starts to lessen he listens to the cookie who is not father say something. “ Okay I am sorry my lord .I underestimated how big this problem was. He is going to be getting some medicines to help him stay calm and sleep without nightmares” His world goes black before he can hear fathers reply.
When he wakes back up father is doing paperwork. He is propped up in a seat beside his father and he simply watches as form after form is filled out. Sometimes father pats him on the head but that's it. Nothing bringing up bad memories or any feeling that he should be doing something more.
It was calming and several months ago at this point. He had been making plenty of progress on both regaining his strength and not fearing everything. He would often have nightmares. Sometime they would leave him in the grip of a panic attack when woke but he kept moving forwards.
He established a new routine at first he would merely sleep, follow father around and take medicine but as he got slightly better he would be willing to do more. The first change was the ability to sleep in his own room again. Followed by the restarting of his training routine.
It would be months yet until he was back where he was. But even starting the basics again helped him regain some courage. He was able to talk to other cookies without them starting or father prompting again. Memories of the time before the laboratory and experiments where coming back.
Just two weeks ago he managed to calm himself down from a panic attack. Now he was taking another large step. He is scared to do this but he can’t stay within the citadel forever he has to leave eventually. Doing it this way should be the easiest.
He is going to go on a single patrol with caramel arrow and a few of other high ranking watchers. Father is refusing to let him go in any group with less than four other members. He doesn't want to do that anyways.
Why is he thinking about this. He stalling isn’t he. All he needs to do is walk to the gate and wait for the rest of the group at this point he is dressed warmly and has steeled himself. He just needs to keep moving forwards and then everything will be alright.