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“Man. Dumbledore sucks,” Harry said to no one in particular. “He’s doing things for ‘the greater good’ by treating me like absolute shit.”
“I should team up with Voldemort.”
__
Harry is painfully tied up on a tombstone. After tieing with Cedric, they ended up in a graveyard, and one of them died. Why did they bring back the tournaments knowing it would be this dangerous?
“Ah, Voldemort! Just the man…snake..man? i wanted to see! Can you please untie me?”
“...Just the man you wanted to see?” Voldemort hissed, half naked, walking with a mysterious blurred block in front of him.
“Yeah! Yeah, I was thinking that we could team up, you and I.”
“...Team up? You. Want to team up?” he asked incredulously.
Hooded heads turn to face Harry Potter in disbelief.
“Haha yeah, why not? Your goal isn’t to kill me, surely, and I’m not bent on killing you either. In fact, I’d much rather get rid of Dumbledore instead!”
“you want to team up?!”
Yeah! With my reputation as the Chosen One, and your established following, we could rule the wizarding world together! How about it?”
“I don’t believe this…” Voldemort drags his newly formed face. His fingers leaves streaks of red as he pulls down on his fresh face.
“No! I’m the villain. You’re the hero. That’s why we created you!”
“Wait…we? What do you mean we? My parents created me. Are you my father?” Harry strains away from the tombstone.
“Wha- no! I mean Dumbledore and I, we created you to be the perfect hero and here you are trying to ruin it all! I’m the Villain. Dumbledore’s the Mentor. You’re the Hero. I do something bad and you get me with Dumbledore.”
“You…did you kill my parents for this? So that I would be orphaned? So that Dumbledore would place me with my remaining family?”
“Oh ho, didn’t like that, did you? I’m also the intellectual dweeb dating Roxanne!”
“What.”
“Oh no sorry I mean, uh, I put part of my soul in your body!”
“You did w h a t?”
“Yeah.”
“Die.”
“You’ll have to make me, Hero! Oh wait. I forgot to untie you before getting you riled up. Wormtail!”
“Y-yes, mi’lord.”
The restraints retract and Harry falls forward, his wand just a few inches from where he lands. He picks it up.
“Oh, yes, this is what I’m talking about! Fight me like a man, Potter. You’ll live up to your title soon yet.”
Harry stands still, mostly dumbfounded with his wand held vertically, until he makes a run for the portkey. Fuck this bullshit, he’s not playing along.
“Wait! No! Come back! We’ve yet to have an epic battle to commemorate my new body! Hey!” Voldemort tries to run after him, but he’s hella old.
Then the death eaters disband because they can't believe they were just part of a stupidly violent theatrical performance and Harry’s personal mission is to kill Dumbledore and Voldemort is sad. The end.