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Cooking is Just Controlled Arson

Summary:

Brothers bond over bizarre baking. Also Lex is there.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

When Azelle snuck his way down to the kitchens late at night, it was specifically so he could avoid Arvis while eating dinner. His eating schedule had been entirely warped around that specific anxiety for years now. Lunch was to be eaten no earlier than 3:00 PM, Dinner after midnight, and breakfast? He didn't eat breakfast at all, usually. Azelle was more than willing to go hungry in order to avoid an awkward interaction.

Seeing Arvis sitting alone in the kitchen with a plate of food well past midnight was certainly not what Azelle had anticipated. In fact, Arvis was almost always asleep by such a late hour (or at the very least, locked in his room brooding). Considering that he was spotting an elegant, golden nightgown made of silks interwoven with actual gold leaf to sparkle in the light (the notion that what he was wearing could be considered lingerie and was not intended to actually be slept in seemed to be something Arvis remained unaware of) and a matching nightcap, Azelle could assume that Arvis had at least been in the process of preparing for bed. Why he was in the kitchen, however, Azelle could not quite fathom.

More confusing was the food before Arvis. In all of Azelle's life, he had never seen Arvis prepare food more complex than a sandwich for himself, but this was certainly not the work of their chefs. It was clumsy in its construction, an earnest attempt by someone to make a meal. Moreover, many of the ingredients seemed like items Arvis would never willingly consume, from the gooey, fake cheese sauce to the hot dog upon which it was spread.

Also, it was an abomination.

There was no way, in Azelle's mind, that Arvis would ever willingly construct a hot dog taco. He was not a man who conceived of atypical combinations of food items. The notion of a hot dog in a hard tortilla shell was itself enough to rule Arvis out as the culprit, but the amount of effort that had gone in beyond that with the number of additional toppings made it ever clearer that someone else was involved.

Even without physically seeing him there, Azelle knew exactly who had to be responsible. Arvis might not be willing to make something like this, but there was someone with a habit of casually breaking into the castle who would. Coincidentally, that someone had made this exact food crime before for Azelle.

Before Azelle had a chance to ask about that person's presence, Arvis had apparently noticed Azelle standing in the doorway. He hadn't so much as glanced up from the food before him, but when he spoke, it was clearly addressed to Azelle. It was too late for Azelle to quietly return to his room and wait for a chance to use the kitchen unimpeded, it seemed.

"Azelle," Arvis asked, unblinking stare still trained on the food as though he feared it may attack him if he looked away. "What is this?"

"Um... it looks like a hot dog taco," Azelle answered meekly. Really, why was Arvis asking at all? He could surely see that. "Three of them."

"Why would anyone eat this?" Arvis inquired incredulously, not turning away from the food even when Azelle responded. The way he was staring almost seemed like he was contemplating consuming it.

"It's... food?" Azelle said with a small shrug. He didn't want to give away the fact that he himself had consumed this meal previously, and on a date no less. He didn't want to lose the rest of the little respect his brother might have still had for him. "M-maybe it's good?"

Maybe that suggestion was still too far, because Azelle finally got Arvis to look at him. The sheer bewilderment in his brother's eyes almost made it feel as though Azelle had betrayed him somehow. Would this be the nail in the coffin that finally drove Arvis to kick Azelle out of Velthomer? Would the knowledge that Azelle ate like an absolute cretin when Arvis wasn't watching make Arvis unwilling to call him brother?

Slowly, Arvis's eyes returned to staring at the plate lying in front of him and the atrocity that had been wrought upon it. Azelle released the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding, allowing himself a few sheepish steps into the kitchen. He didn't approach the table yet-- Arvis didn't bid him entry, after all-- but these steps were still a commitment to remaining in the kitchen for now. He couldn't just turn tail now, or so he told himself.

Whatever Arvis intended to say next, however, he did not have the chance to. As he opened his mouth to speak, another voice, one deeper and louder with no regard for the fact that it was the dead of night, interrupted him. Neither brother had to look to see who was speaking, but both instinctively turned to cast their gazes upon the blue-haired fool anyway.

"Hey, you gonna eat those?" Lex inquired, grinning broadly and laughing a little at his own joke.

The reactions Lex received from the two Velthomers were as opposed as they could possibly have been. While Azelle's face instantly lit up in a mixture of excitement to see Lex and relief that he was not alone in this conversation with Arvis, the elder Velthomer forced the fiercest scowl he could muster, pointedly turning away to look at the food once again.

"I had no intention of doing so, no," Arvis spat. Azelle had to wonder why there was a napkin and eating utensils arranged carefully beside the plate (although Azelle sincerely hoped Arvis didn't intend to try and eat it with a fork and knife). Lex certainly wouldn't have bothered with that.

"More for me, then," Lex responded simply, sliding the plate to the other side of the table as he seated himself across from Arvis. The Duke of Velthomer quickly stopped him, a hand shooting out to grab hold of the plate as he glared at Lex.

"If I recall correctly," Arvis snarled, "I had you escorted out of the castle not even fifteen minutes ago. Surely you would not be fool enough to immediately show yourself in front of me in my own home after that."

Azelle, who had been scurrying over to sit beside Lex, froze as he heard Arvis's barely-veiled threat. Just the notion of Arvis being angry was enough to make his blood run cold. Before she passed away, Azelle's mother had warned him about his brother. She had told Azelle that Arvis would always be dangerous, no matter how close the two seemed. She did not detail the acts she had witnessed Arvis commit as a child, but the fear in her eyes had shaken Azelle to his core. Even without that anger being directed at him, Azelle couldn't see it without recalling how his mother told him to take care to avoid upsetting Arvis or the certainty with which he felt Valflame would one day be turned upon him. 

Lex, on the other hand, didn't even flinch. He rolled his eyes and let out another short laugh, relinquishing his grip on the plate. Arvis dragged it back like a cat possessive of its toys, eyes never leaving Lex's.

"Damn, that's crazy," Lex laughed, completely disregarding Arvis's words, tone, and expression. "I thought you would know me better by now."

Just like that, the tension in the air evaporated. Even though Arvis continued to try and will Lex's death with his eyes alone, he seemed suddenly impotent in the face of Lex's flippant remark. So many others rightfully feared the wrath of Valflame's wielder, fully aware that he would kill anyone who crossed him, but that seemed to be lost upon Lex. He had weathered threats by Arvis for so long that it was entirely mundane now, and it seemed his assumption was correct. Arvis, indeed, would not raise a hand against him. Even after the cataclysm Lex had wrought upon Arvis's garden, even after years of going out of his way to annoy Arvis, the animosity that the elder Velthomer displayed towards him simply vanished after a few moments had passed.

Lex was every bit a part of their family, even if he had claimed that title through persistence alone. Why, exactly, Arvis seemed unable to hold a grudge against the lesser Dozel child, Azelle couldn't say. Azelle couldn't excuse it as being a result of Lex's status as his boyfriend. He had no doubt that Arvis would bar contact with any suitor he deemed unworthy of Azelle. Besides, that was such a recent development in comparison to how long Lex had been getting under Arvis's skin. It almost seemed like a part of Arvis enjoyed Lex's shenanigans. Arvis didn't, though. He couldn't. Could he?

"Well, if you're not gonna eat it..." Lex sang, allowing his voice to trail off and simply imply how the sentence was supposed to end. Really, anything he had to say after that point didn't matter. He had issued a challenge to Arvis, and the Duke of Velthomer was not one to back down so easily.

Without a word, and without looking away from Lex, Arvis snatched up one of the hot dog tacos. He raised it to his lips defiantly, though hesitation gripped him at the last moment. His eyes turned to the thing before him that could dubiously be considered food. For a moment, he almost looked afraid of it, of what it may inflict upon him. One glance back at Lex's dumb grin was enough to spur him on, though, as he spitefully crunched through the taco shell, his jaw moving so stiffly as he chewed that it seemed like he was trying to torture the food in his mouth.

Lex, his work finished, rose from his seat. As Arvis returned to staring at the taco, now with fascination more than confusion, Lex returned with two additional plates. One was placed where he had been sitting, the other before the chair directly next to him. He gestured for Azelle to sit alongside him, nabbing the two remaining tacos so they each had one. Had... had he planned this all along? Was Lex masterminding this entire interaction? No, that couldn't be right. Lex had never thought before he spoke or acted a single time in his life, unless those thoughts could be summarized with the phrase "wouldn't it be cool if...", and the action in question was incredibly reckless. This just didn't fit the bill, but it still just didn't seem like coincidence to Azelle.

Well, it didn't really matter. He happily seated himself beside his boyfriend, letting Lex discreetly claim Azelle's hand under the table. The younger Velthomer wasted no time in weaving their fingers together, a hint of a blush appearing on his cheeks from that little affection alone. Despite his previous protests, Arvis hadn't objected to Lex claiming two tacos right from under his nose. Maybe he was just too distracted by the fact that he didn't hate the thing he had just put in his mouth. Maybe Arvis's objections had entirely been for show.

"...Do you eat stuff like this normally, Lex?" Arvis mumbled around his second mouthful of food. "There's too much effort here for this to have been done on a whim. You've thought about what goes into this, haven't you?"

"Sure," Lex answered casually, taking a large bite of his own taco. "But not every day. I save this for special occasions."

That sentence would have been bewildering coming from anyone else, but when Lex said it, that was just in line with how strange he always was. His primary motivations at any given point in time seemed to be what was the funniest thing he could do or were otherwise focused on his personal enjoyment. At the very least, it seemed to satisfy Arvis... at least until he thought about it for a few moments more.

"And what, exactly, makes this occasion special?" Arvis's tone was dry, almost sarcastic, though Azelle couldn't exactly blame him for it. Lex had been making food in someone else's kitchen late into the night for no apparent reason, after all.

"C'mon, isn't that obvious?" Lex seemed to think so, at least, because he didn't even answer until both Velthomers shook their heads. He even rolled his eyes before he continued. "Sharing a meal with you two? That's special to me. You're both special to me. I don't think I need more of a reason than that."

So Lex had planned this from the start after all. Azelle was genuinely astonished. Lex didn't seem to do much of anything to actually coordinate Azelle's arrival, and given Arvis's prior statement about kicking Lex out, Azelle assumed Lex hadn't held all too much of a discussion with Arvis, either. Despite that, everything turned out precisely the way Lex wanted. Was he just that lucky, or was Lex operating on another level entirely?

Perhaps Azelle would never get that answer, but he didn't really want it. That inexplicable nature to the things Lex did had always been part of his charm, part of the reason they had become friends at all. Lex had accepted Azelle without even a moment's consideration when they had initially met. He'd done the same with Tailtiu. Here he was, doing exactly that with Arvis. Goofy as he seemed, Lex's primary concern often was making the people he cared about smile, and Azelle couldn't help but admire it.

"You're lucky the man I was supposed to meet tonight failed to arrive," Arvis sighed, delicately dabbing a napkin at a stray bit of cheese sauce on his cheek

"Eh, maybe you're the lucky one," Lex countered. "If he had come, you wouldn't get to enjoy this moment with us, would you?"

Arvis didn't answer, but all three of them knew he just didn't want to agree that Lex was correct. Just from being there, Lex made everything feel so simple. Arvis didn't seem unreachable and imposing. He didn't seem like someone Azelle would have to be careful around.

Just for a moment, Azelle really felt like he and Arvis could truly be family.

Notes:

I don't care if hot dogs or tacos are anachronistic, I just needed something sufficiently weird but not completely unreasonable. I also dont care if they're not anachronistic.

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