Work Text:
Dazai walks into the office that fateful day lacking his usual grace. He is aware of that but he didn’t think anyone other than himself would be able to pick up on that.
He is wrong.
When he slumps on his chair without making eye contact with anyone, cursing both Chuuya and himself for letting it go that far internally, he ignores how much his body aches. It isn’t like he doesn’t enjoy it– he is very content with his... partner but he realizes it’s not the best idea to enjoy themselves to this extent when they both have work the next morning. He vaguely wonders if Chuuya is struggling, too but guesses that the only thing Chuuya is going to have problems with is hiding the various bruises and biting marks formed on his neck– which Dazai is very proud of. After spending the night together; Chuuya’s body resembles a painted canvas, the artist being Dazai. Dazai doesn’t relate to that problem, thanks to his neck bandages covering up the marks.
Though he remembers Chuuya going higher on his shoulders and biting more of his neck than usual last night.
He smiles to himself when he realizes someone is intruding on his personal space. That person being Ranpo does not satisfy Dazai, at all.
Dazai puts on his nonchalant mask as if he isn’t contemplating just retiring home for the day. He should’ve called in sick. He couldn’t handle everyone in the agency learning about... this.
“Good morning, Ranpo-san,” Dazai says, “Aren’t you standing a bit too close to my pretty face?”
Ranpo grins, “Sure, I do. I was figuring out something aaaaand I am right,” he moves away from Dazai. Dazai wishes he stayed close because now everyone is able to hear what he has just deduced, “I suppose you had fun last night.”
Everyone turns their heads to look at the subject of this accusation. Atsushi’s eyebrows disappear somewhere in his bangs. Kunikida drops his pen.
Dazai, who is taking a sip from the water bottle, chokes on it. He is aware Ranpo is too intelligent for anyone’s sake, but how could he even know about it? His mind runs through all his actions from the moment he entered the office but can’t get what gave him out.
Ranpo can almost hear Dazai thinking and takes pity on his state.
“Yeah, you definitely need to look at yourself in the mirror before leaving the house,” he advises, “But the house was too far, I think. You were going to be late so you didn’t want to waste time, it’s understandable.” he nods and opens his phone camera and shoves it to Dazai.
Dazai bites back the swear words that came on the tip of his tongue when he notices the purple-red bruises and definable biting marks that formed from Chuuya sucking up the skin there. It had gotten over the area his bandages covered up. Normally, Dazai would be careful to not let any trace of what he had done to spend the night seep through the surface of the bandages but as Ranpo said, he didn’t check himself to make sure he used enough bandages. He hasn’t. It sticks like a sore thumb.
Dazai feels heat rushing to his cheeks. He hates that Ranpo is right. Chuuya's place was on the opposite side of the agency and he didn’t want to be that late. It would only raise suspicions– though he probably should have spared a glance at the mirror. Chuuya got up and left before him, so he wasn’t there to tell him to cover his neck up.
Dazai averts his eyes but thinks he deserves his punishment as well.
Yosano whistles, “That’s some well-done hickeys, Dazai. Congratulations to whoever has managed that.”
Dazai attempts to deceive her, “Well, hasn’t it occurred that maybe you’re jumping to conclusions? Maybe I was just–”
“The only possible reasoning you can give us is that you got attacked by a vampire on your way.”
Dazai would laugh at the irony of those words if he wasn’t about to die from embarrassment. He is aware of every pair of eyes on him right now and he has nothing to say for himself.
“What kind of woman did you get involved with? I mean, look at this...”
Dazai mumbled something.
“What was that?”
“I... uh–” he swallowed the last remaining piece of shame in him, “It’s not a woman’s job, actually,” he said awkwardly.
There is a long silence. Dazai figures he will jump out of the window if it takes just two seconds longer. He had never heard of a silence that loud. It's scratching his ears.
“YOU’RE GAY?” Kunikida exclaims loudly, saving Dazai from the trouble of explaining.
“I knew it,” Yosano says, she looks weirdly excited about the revelation.
Meanwhile, Ranpo looks devastated.
“Wait... I lost to you?” Ranpo jumps from his seat, “That’s not true! Dazai, tell the truth!”
Dazai blinks, “Well—”
“Don’t lie!” Ranpo shouts.
“I didn’t even say anything!”
“You were about to lie!”
Dazai laughs and Yosano joins him.
“Well, well, Ranpo,” she says in a fake sympathetic voice, “It was about time someone won against you in a bet.”
“You guys had a bet?” Kunikida interjects.
“It started on Dazai’s first day here.”
“Everyone, this is our newest agency member,” Fukuzawa introduces Dazai, who politely nods and continues from where Fukuzawa left off.
“Hello,” he has a smile plastered on his face as he touches his chest with his fingers, “My name is Dazai Osamu. Pleased to be employed here.”
Dazai’s formal salute earns him a couple of equally enthusiastic greetings. He looks like an interesting enough person with those bandages wrapped on his body. Not before Dazai can talk more about himself, Fukuzawa takes him to his office to sort out some things.
As soon as Dazai is out of earshot, Yosano faces the office.
“Does anyone get a little bit of a gay vibe?”
Green eyes turn to Yosano. Kunikida doesn’t even look up.
“Just me? Okay,” she returns to her work, leaving matching surprised faces behind.
“Nah,” Ranpo says without moving from where he is sitting, “You’re wrong. You'll see it one day.”
Yosano puts one hand on her waist, “What? No. It's not just the way he looks... He spreads the gay energy around. I’d recognize it anywhere.”
Ranpo clicks his tongue.
“Yeah, you’re getting the wrong vibes I’m sure.”
“Wanna bet?”
Ranpo looks more than intrigued, “Sure!”
“I can’t believe I never noticed this was going on between you two,” Kunikida is speechless when he hears the history behind their bet.
“I mean, it seems you were in the same room with them when it happened,” Atsushi comments.
Kunikida looks like he wants to break a window with a baseball bat. Kyouka shushes Atsushi quickly to avoid any more damage.
“No need to feel insufficient, Kunikida,” Yosano is promptly bragging at this point, “Even Ranpo hasn’t noticed all the signs about the truth–”
“No! I noticed the signs and they didn’t lead me to Dazai being gay. You're wrong!”
“Yeah, yeah if I can just take that money, that’d be better.”
Dazai has had enough fun. He interjects their argument.
“Well, I’m not sure If you’ve realized but I’m still here,” Dazai watches Ranpo and Yosano turning their heads to him at the same time, “I still haven’t confirmed nor declined it.”
Yosano furrows her eyebrows, “You have no way out of this, you know that.”
Kunikida remembers something relevant, “Wait, I distinctly remember him saying ‘all women are my type’ during the first ever case we worked on.”
“So? It doesn’t matter he said that. It doesn’t change the fact that he slept with a man.”
Dazai’s face turns a rosy color even the most non-observant eye can catch it.
“Aha!” Ranpo points a finger at Yosano, “You admitted you’re wrong! I win the bet.”
Yosano looks confused, “What? No! How?”
Ranpo snorts, “You were going around telling he was gay; yet you just said he might like women, too! Your arguments contradict each other!”
Yosano stares at him with her lips parted. She wants to say something but has no way to defend herself. She turns to Dazai, expecting him to put an end to this.
Dazai nods, “Ranpo-san is right with this one, Yosano-sensei.”
She sighs, “Damn it. I was so close...”
“Great, I won! I’ll be expecting all the candy you promised soon,” Ranpo exclaims and goes back to sprawl on his chair.
“Are we seriously over with this?” Atsushi asks, bewildered that they would leave Dazai alone without intruding at least some parts of his personal life.
“I guess? I don’t have anything new I have to know,” Ranpo announces.
“Other than the fact how fun it was that Dazai didn’t even notice the state of his neck,” Yosano wonders out loud.
“You should see the other guy,” Dazai jokes. Atsushi laughs.
“We don’t need to know,” Kunikida interjects, “Please, I really don’t want to have images in my head.”
Dazai barks a laugh, “You’re just tasteless, Kunikida-kun. Some people would pay to see me naked and–”
“Don’t–” Kunikida shoves a finger just a millimeter away from Dazai’s face, “Don’t finish that sentence.”
“Kunikida, don’t get me wrong but you got to shut up for a second,” Yosano effectively hushes Kunikida, “Who is the other person? Is it someone we know?”
“I’m sure he is!” Dazai confirms.
This raises a huge question mark over everyone’s head. Who fits the categories of being known by the agency and also liked by Dazai at the same time? Dazai has not seen having positive opinions about most people and he is not someone who has long-lasting relationships with the said people.
Kyouka looks like she is coming to a conclusion while Ranpo looks pretty uninterested. He only makes one comment, “Woah, are you two still a thing? I gotta say, I’m impressed,” he says without looking up from his search on an interesting case to solve.
“I’m offended, Ranpo-san. One other person has also made the mistake of calling our bond ‘shallow’ and he died several hours later.”
Kunikida... looks seconds away from passing out. Atsushi looks around to see if everyone has heard what he just heard.
“Oh? Who was the unlucky person?”
“That rat Fyodor, of course,” Dazai looks disgusted as the name comes out of his mouth. Ranpo nods and goes back to his thing.
Atsushi needs to ask about it, now. He thought that maybe this was another deranged story from Dazai’s mafia days but if even Fyodor Dostoyevsky has gotten involved with it, it can’t be far away.
“Dazai-san...?”
“At your service, Atsushi-kun!”
“I... uh–” Atsushi gulps, “I think you need to elaborate on that last part.”
“Why? You should already know how Fyodor was defeated, am I wrong?”
Atsushi shakes his head, “No, no, no,” he doesn’t need to hear that again. He is sure Dazai wants to purge all the memories from the times that incident happened from his mind, too. It had not been peaceful for anyone, let alone the man who had brought down Fyodor, “I meant to ask, uh, what does he have to do with it?”
Dazai rubs his right shoulder without realizing, “He was jealous, I guess. I would have been, too if I didn’t have such a great loyal dog with me.”
Dazai is speaking in riddles again. That does not help to erase their curiosity.
Kunikida, despite being the person who had not noticed a literal betting was going on under his nose for all those years, is coming to an epiphany.
“But... the only person you refer to as your dog is...” Kunikida frowns while saying it and then goes completely silent, his jaw has dropped.
It all clicks at the moment.
“Oh my god,” Yosano’s eyes are about to pop out, “Dazai, tell me this is a joke.”
“I wish I could,” Dazai dramatically shakes his head, “But unfortunately; I’ve been stuck with that slug for seven years, now.”
“You... you and Nakahara Chuuya-san...” Atsushi mutters under his breath.
“Him and Nakahara Chuuya-san?” Junichiro repeats the familiar name, sharing the same facial expression with Atsushi.
“Hmm... but it does make sense,” Naomi says in a small voice. Kyouka hears it and nods, too.
Dazai smiles. Of course, Chuuya and him make sense. No one can deny that.
“Last time I checked, weren’t you trying to kill each other?” Kunikida raises the question, “Or something like that.”
“Well, he sure as hell kills Dazai behind closed doors. Just look at his neck–”
“YOSANO-SENSEI!”
“It’s not my fault that he can’t even walk,” Yosano laughs and a warmer expression leaks through her features, “Anyway, Dazai, we’re just messing. Have sex with whoever you want. The Gravity Wielder is clearly the one.”
Dazai silently nods. He can’t wait to sleep this away and realize it has been a nightmare.
He is actually relieved that it has not gone that bad. He just feels a bit... invaded. Not deeply uncomfortable. It's good that he isn’t hiding this from his co-workers, the people he sees every day, the people whom he tried to keep alive, the people who tried to keep him alive at the worst times.
Dazai smiles at himself. He feels like he is a teenager with a crush again when he thinks about having Chuuya meet the Armed Detective Agency members properly.
Extra
“Well, aren’t you stressed, Mr Fancy Hat?” Ranpo says, watching Yosano guide a worried Chuuya to the couch.
“What? No. Of course, I’m not worried about that Shitty Dazai,” Chuuya huffs, refusing to sit while waiting for Dazai to come back from a case with Kunikida.
The office is almost empty now that most members have retired home for the day. When Dazai came to work with a significant sulking face that morning, it took some of Ranpo’s deduction skills to pry on the reason. When he concluded, at last, he told Kunikida to distract Dazai with an interesting case. Kunikida accepted it easily since he was not content with Dazai’s unusual unresponsiveness as well.
“You two had a fight or something?” Yosano asked.
Chuuya tried his best to not yell at her. He could not spend his energy on that, “It’s not important. I will talk with that idiot.”
Ranpo takes interest in his answer, “Oh? So you do care. Why is it so hard to admit that?”
“Shut up, detective. You know nothing about this.”
Yosano nods, despite herself, “Well, it’s rather obvious. It’s busy here these days and Dazai mentioned you’re having missions at night these days.”
“Why is that idiot letting all of you people know about my schedule?” he mutters.
“He misses you, that’s what I’m saying,” Yosano clears out, “If you two had spent more time with each other, he wouldn’t have to whine about your absence to us.”
Chuuya lowers his head to hide his blush.
Yosano would find him adorable if she didn’t know the man standing in front of her.
“Yeah, Yosano is right,” Ranpo decides, “Work’s keeping you and Dazai apart. You two just need to bone.”
Yosano shudders. By the look of Chuuya’s face, it’s not hard to guess what’s going to happen.
“What did you just say?” he demands.
Ranpo ignores Yosano mouthing don’t say it again, “I said you two need to bone.”
Chuuya loses it at this very moment.
“How dare you, little genius, I am a Port Mafia Executive!” his voice gets higher and he is practically shouting at this point, “BONE, HUH! You just told me to–” he takes a deep breath and starts pacing the floor, just taking glances at Ranpo and Yosano to yell at them, “What happens in my bedroom, detective, is NONE of your business!”
“Well, maybe–” Yosano tries to interrupt.
“Bone, huh? You really think you can–”
This goes on for at least three full minutes until Chuuya finally sits down on the couch.
“Don’t ever speak to me like that again,” he is worn out and has calmed significantly.
“Well, my job here is done,” Ranpo announces, “No need to say thank you!”
Chuuya doesn’t answer him.
The next day when Dazai comes to work grinning continuously, Ranpo knows what’s up.
“Did you make up with the Gravity Wielder?” Yosano asks.
“Yeah. The hatrack apologized.”
“Oh, is it because you’re finally communicating like normal people instead of arguing about small things?” Atsushi guessed.
Dazai smiled, “You can say that.”
Atsushi nods and gets distracted by Kyouka talking to him.
Ranpo huffs at Dazai, “So, is it because you’ve–”
“Yes,” Dazai says without letting him finish his sentence, “Don’t tell that to Atsushi-kun.”
“I won’t,” Ranpo says, “It’s not my fault if you forget to cover up your neck again, though.”