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“Doctor!”
At first, the Doctor didn’t realise that he recognised the voice. It had been so long since he’d heard it that he just whirled around on instinct at the sound of his name.
And so he was unprepared to see her. And so the sight of her knocked him back like he’d been punched.
“Rose!” He breathed in surprise.
Rose Tyler was staring at him quizzically, like he’d grown an extra head. So young, wearing a powder blue dress that fell off her shoulders. “I thought you were coming to get me Monday?” She asked, confused. “Is something wrong?”
“Monday?” He asked, checking his watch as if that had any answers.
What was the date? What was the year? He thought. He’d just landed and found himself somewhere in London. Ever since his regeneration, he’d been frantic. Never sitting down, never standing still. As if the answers could be chased down.
“Yeah, my cousin’s wedding? Mum called and said I had to go. I asked you to come and you said you had maintenance to do?” She asked as if this should be familiar to him. She tilted her head to the side. “This all happened this morning. Do you listen when I talk or is it all just background noise?” She asked teasingly as she crossed her arms.
The Doctor chuckled nervously. “No, no, I remember….” He trailed off.
And he vaguely did. About a month or two after he’s regenerated, Rose had received an angry call from her mother about being late to their agreed set off time. A call that had resulted in a frantic visit to TARDIS wardrobe and then delivering one Rose Marion Tyler at the Powell Estate in time to catch her Mum’s taxi to the church. Judging by the dress and the music playing in the social club across the road, he guessed that she’d seen his previous self a few hours ago at most.
Okay, he thought, he could do this. He could be himself for a few minutes. Just long enough to excuse himself and not freak her out.
“Did you….have fun?” He asked, shoving his hands in his pockets to stop himself from fidgeting. It had been thousands of years since he’d seen Rose and five minutes with her had sent him back to a nervous wreck.
Rose narrowed her eyes, suspicion falling over her. “What are you wearing?” She asked, as she looked him over.
He looked down at his suit. Not dissimilar from his old style but certainly not the same as it had been. “What’s wrong with it?” He asked.
“Nothing, it’s just…new.” She told him as she crossed her arms across her chest. He could see the cogs turning now.
“Trying something different.” He replied.
“No, that’s not it.” Rose insisted as she stepped closer. Until now, she’d been a good five paces away but with every step, he became more wrapped in her Rose-ness. Her perfume, her presence, it all came back to him with the intensity notching up every time her heels hit the pavement.
She studied him now, bringing her hand up to his cheek. Without meaning to, he relaxed into the touch.
“You’re not my Doctor, are you?” She whispered, not accusing or fearful. Accepting of and worried for the man in front of her. Not her Doctor, but a Doctor.
“No.” He admitted with a sigh.
She nodded once, looking down for a moment as if she was talking to herself. Accepting something quickly and then putting it away to deal with later. Rose looked back up at him with those kind eyes. “You look tired.” She commented.
He made a half-hearted noise of offence. “Thanks.” He muttered sarcastically.
She didn’t back down, her face full of concern as she brushed a thumb along his cheek bone. “I mean it, how long has it been?” She asked curiously. “Since you last saw me?”
His hearts beat sadly in his chest. She’d put two and two together and realised that whatever time had passed, some of it had been without her. “Too long.” He admitted, not wanting to frighten her with years. “I’ve missed you, Rose. There have been so many times I’ve needed you.” He told her, truth flowing from his lips in a way that his tenth self could have never hoped for.
She laughed softly, humourlessly. “Tell me about it over chips. The buffet at the wedding was rubbish.” She instructed as she pulled her hand away from his cheek and offered it to him. When he didn’t take it from her, she wriggled her manicured nails. “For old time’s sake?” She offered.
He smiled and took her hand, enjoying how it still felt the same after all this time.
“So, you were a woman?” Rose asked in surprise as they sat on a park bench next to his TARDIS. She was wearing his coat, since she had turned cold. He nodded and popped another chip in his mouth, leaned back in the bench with his long legs stretched out before him. “How was that? I can’t imagine you as a woman.” She admitted.
“I quite enjoyed it actually, much less maintenance than I was expecting. Although, nearly drowned as a witch, so the challenges were a little different.” He mused on the body he’d left behind only a few days ago. “Plus, I was northern again so…bonus.” He added thoughtfully.
Rose chuckled and took a bite of one of her chips. She took the time to chew it, her breath coming out in fog as she looked out over the empty park. “Why are you like this again?” She asked curiously. “Does that happen? Do you Time Lords reuse faces?”
He sighed and shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mine, Rose Tyler.” He declared.
“That’s not great, because I’ve got nothing.” She admitted before sipping from a Diet Coke can. “Does there have to be a reason?” She asked after a few moments.
“No, I suppose not.” He mused. Maybe she was right, maybe there was no reason. Maybe things just happened. He popped a chip thoughtfully in his mouth and listened to the sounds of London for a few moments. “At the very least, it meant you giving me the time of day, and now we’re feasting on London’s finest culinary offering.” He joked.
“Oh, I could spot you from a mile off, no matter what face.” She promised with a shake of her head. “Doctor radar.” She declared, tapping her forehead twice.
He chuckled fondly. “You probably could.” He agreed as he lulled his head to look at her. Lit by the dim light of the street lights that peppered the park, she looked warm and soft, all wrapped up in his coat.
To his surprise, he found himself tearing up at the sight.
To Rose’s surprise too, because she looked up at him and her face became a picture of concern and alarm.
“No, it’s just…I really have missed you, Rose.” He whispered, cutting her off when she went to ask him what was wrong.
She sighed sadly and leaned over to kiss his forehead. “I bet wherever I am, I really miss you too.” She told him as she ran her fingers through his hair.
He didn’t say anything. He’d told her about the times he’d had since she’d left but not how she’d left him. He still couldn’t talk about it, after all this time. He’d tucked all that pain deep into his hearts and covered it with newer pain. “You are living a brilliant life out there.” He promised with a sniff, tangling their hands together and squeezing it tight. “You’re happy and safe and being your amazing self.” He added.
“Oh, but that’s worse.” Rose whispered.
“What do you mean?” He asked.
“You’re here, alone and confused and you’ve had all that happen to you and I’m off living the life of Larry?” She asked as she looked down at their conjoined hands. “That’s not fair, is it?” She pointed out.
The Doctor laughed darkly. “Things aren’t always fair.” He agreed.
Rose sighed, no comeback to reassure him or herself. They both stared back out into the park around them, nobody but themselves in its boundary. “I thought I’d stay with you forever.” She admitted with a long sigh. He could hear the tears in her throat.
The Doctor swallowed back tears of his own. “So did I.”
They walked back to the Powell Estate silently, their hands still entwined. Rose occasionally squeezed his hand as if to remind herself that he was still there. Or to remind him that she was there. They came to a standstill in the square beneath her Mum’s flat. She slowly shed his coat and handed it back to him. “You have to make me forget this, don’t you?” She asked.
He nodded as he took the coat back. “No sneak previews I’m afraid.” He told her. “You’ve got a Doctor waiting for you, adventures still to come.”
She nodded in acceptance, tears back in her eyes. “Are you going to be alright?” She asked.
“Me? Yeah, of course. Always get by, me.” He declared in an unconvincing tone, tugging his ear awkwardly. Rose didn’t look convinced, leaning up to kiss his cheek in farewell. His hearts stammered in his chest. “Rose…?”
“Yeah?” She asked, hope in her eyes.
“I’m….I don’t know what to say.” He admitted as he fiddled with his coat, running a thumb over one of the buttons to distract himself. “But that was the problem with me back then. There have been so many times that I didn’t say what I wanted to you, because I didn’t know how to say it. I did want to come to the wedding with you tonight. I didn’t want you to bring Mickey along. I…I did love you too. I still do.” He told her.
Rose smiled sadly, unsure of the context of his words but understanding the heartbreak behind them. “Why didn’t you? Or don’t you?” She asked.
“Because I was an idiot?” He told her after a moment’s thinking about it.
Rose laughed fondly.
“I already knew that.” She teased, her tongue peeking out from her grin. He smiled in return and she looked buoyed to have brought a little levity back. She stepped closer once more and put her hands on his chest. “I love you too. And I think the me that’s out there now still does.” She assured him.
Then she reached up onto her tiptoes and laid her lips against his. He returned it willingly, hungrily. But only for a moment. Because too much of this and he’d lose sight of why he needed to walk away. He pulled away as a tear slid down his cheek, finding an identical one on hers, smudging her mascara.
He brought his fingers up to her temple, played with the curls at her hairline and kissed her forehead reverently. “Thank you, Rose.” He whispered.
“Don’t mention it.” She whispered back.
And then he made himself disappear.